Sylvia's writing to freedom

A bloody story 19/11/2010

Two monts ago I had horrible abdominal pains. So severe that I couldn’t walk or talk while I had such a shooting pain. Since it was a pain in the abdomen I checked my calender. And yes, my menstruation was about to start. I wanted to participate within daily life and not let this menstrual pain rule me. I did self forgiveness on the pain and self corrective statements to not participate within these pains.


When at the age of 14 my menstruation started I had horrible pains and heavy bleedings for at least 10 days in a row and a menstruation that was always late. Waiting and waiting on this inevitable nightmare to start. Me becoming the pain and not only experiencing it. Than all the embarrassment. It was begin nineties when I was 14 and my mom showed me what to wear when I was having my period. An elastic band on my waist with two elastic bands downwards with a button on both bands connected to a huge sanitary towel made out of terry. Fashion in those years was tight, so I knew for sure that everybody saw my huge diaper. Back home I had to put this sanitary towel in a bucket with a lid on it filled with water. I can still remember the smell of it, disgusting. Than the disposable sanitary towels were introduced and I talked my mom into buying these. Some time later also the tampons were introduced. I had such heavy bleedings and my undergarments were always full with blood stains, I couldn’t sleep through the night without changing my towel. Than my mom found special panties, just the thing for me. Plastic panties! After a few times of being washed in the washing machine they started to squeak when I moved. When I walked at school I was sure everybody could hear me squeaking and in my imagination I saw everybody finger pointing at me. After 7 years of menstruation hell I decided to try the birth control pil to calm down all these physical discomfort. That worked for most of the discomfort, my swelling breasts was something I had to live with. After I had my daughter A. and my son J. my menstruation was normal and punctual even without taking this pil. I was quite happy with this new situation. As it goes with many things, when things get better you tend to forget how bad it was before. Therefore I didn’t expected these pains two months ago, but it took me right back into my memory.


After I did my self forgiveness I felt some what better, nevertheless I was tired after quite some hours of pain. I decided to lay down for a while and do the four count breathing. After a few hours of laying down, I decided to get up and not let this pain influence me anymore. I was going to stand and not be the pain anymore, let alone participate within it. The pain faded away within a few hours and my menstruation broke through. The first three days I had more pain than usual and the bleeding was more severe, as well as the duration of my menstruation.


Last month around the time that I had to menstruate I feared the pain again. I couldn’t believe that I applied my self forgiveness effectively enough. I didn’t trust myself when it goes about fighting the battle with my worse nightmare. I nevertheless again applied self forgiveness on these points. My menstruation was normal as always.


Yesterday it was already a month later and I felt some pain in my upper legs and feared again these horrible pains. My mind stepped in and whispered something about my effectiveness within self forgiveness. How many times do I need to proof to myself that I can stand and apply self forgiveness in an effective way? I probably have to proof to myself that I’m able to not participate within these thoughts and therefore stop the mind.


So many times I wished for my menopause, I better do some self forgiveness on that. Having no menstruation ever again sounds tempting. Though these kind of so called choices do come always with down sides. No menstruation is menopause and that can be hell again. Still the best option in this all is stopping the mind and gaining self trust within applying my self forgiveness.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to shame myself for having my menstruation while in schol.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that others could see ¬†and hear that I was menstruating.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself through the eyes of others while having my menstruation as a teenager.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within my mind and believe that I’m enslaved through my mind within my menstruation.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop the mind till so far.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that stopping the mind is maybe not possible within this life time.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wish for my menopause, knowing that the menopause isn’t going to solve things. Stopping the mind is solving all.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I haven’t got the self trust to stop the mind and stop all pain within my menstruation.