Sylvia's writing to freedom

How I was able to hear the Desteni message 05/02/2012

When I 4 years ago stumbled upon a video of Desteni, done by Sunette as a portal, I wasn’t looking for the Desteni message. I had no intent to join any group what so ever, I had no intent to face myself and I had absolutely no intent to change the world simply because I never perceived myself as someone that could change the world. I was living my dream within my bubble and could see, feel and understand that there was something really wrong with the world I was living in. And I say “the world I was living in”, because I didn’t see the world as “the world I am a part of”. I was raised in the era of individualism and joining a group was kind of hippie like and kind of impossible for me to join groups while I perceived myself as an independent individual and not part of the collective that’s called life. I lived life my way in an original way believing in me as good and peaceful going along on the new age wave and creating a new belief out of love&light and being on top of the world as a conspiracy junk to point fingers at all that was bad in this world to not face myself and instead blaming others for making my dream life impossible.

 

Wow, that was my start 4 years ago after 40 years of pretending to live. I lived, I hibernated through the years, but I hadn’t really lived. I observed my live as the observer of my own life, afraid before taking every breath without recognizing my separation of life. I was floating around and on a conscious level not searching for answers about life, I was simply too afraid to burst my bubble. Yet I was complaining about not getting the answers I wanted within my process of Reiki and energy work. Without realizing it. I was searching for answers all my life and hadn’t gotten any. I expected others to bring me the answers and did not even consider the possibility of finding answers myself. With the beginning of the internet things changed and searching was quite easy all of a sudden and yet a sea full of information to go through.

 

I was disappointed in religion, not seeing that religion for me was an energy refill and I got hooked on the energy. The moment I had to become an active part of the religious group I backed out and blamed them for narrowness. I was disappointed in spirituality, because it didn’t serve me the specialness I was looking for to refill myself with energy, the very energy I lost by leaving the religious group. The moment it was time to decide which spiritual group was ment for me, I backed out and blamed them for being too extreme and not grounded. When I started to read conspiracy theories it confirmed my ego in being right all along and I used this information like a religion to convert people like Jehova Witnesses do.

 

So you can say that I was quite a lost case to hear anything and who had tried to find the answers to life without really knowing that I was searching for the answers and yet when I saw that first Desteni Productions video it hit home. I do not recall which video it was since I started to search for more after that first one. I’ve spent weeks watching the Desteni materials, I simply couldn’t stop. I had to know and I had to understand what Desteni was communicating with me. Their material was touching me deep inside and it was so easily answering many of my questions that had been so hard for others to answer. I saw how I had been wandering around as an observer in my own life and was eager to learn how to direct myself for the first time in life.

 

I was able to hear what Desteni said while being in a zombie state and completely brainwashed by society and upbringing, not very different from any average person. I had made major changes in my life and still I had this dissatisfied feeling inside of me. I didn’t want to believe that this was life and that this was all that was to it, I believed that there had to be more to life than this. Simply out of the fear that if life was this unspecial I couldn’t claim my own specialness anymore, no individualism anymore. I would be useless in a world without purpose. So my ego demanded that there should be more to life than this. How could I be the award winning star of my own movie as I was playing in a B movie?

 

I took the Desteni ride and I was in for a lot more than I had expected. I took over a year to take all information in and keeping up with the new materials. Then the moment arrived where I could join the forum, which I by the way could had done from the start, but I was afraid. I was afraid of not expressing myself good enough in English, I was afraid of not being a good enough Destonian yet, I was afraid to meet all these people I didn’t know yet. Though the biggest fear was joining the forum was equal to me to joining a group. So I feared loosing my identity/individuality and almost physically shaking I registered though never posted anything. Appart from not joining the forum I kept actively listening to the new materials and sharing it with my partner and kids. Only when I had the intend to start the Structural Resonant Alignment training I forced myself to join actively the forum and so I did. From joining the forum I joined Desteni on Facebook and You Tube and contributed to the newsletter.

 

Before I knew it I was part of a group and I recognized myself in all the people that joined. I realized that it wasn’t that fearful to join a group. I even enjoyed joining this group. The more I became aware of myself and who I had accepted and allowed myself to be, the more I understood and realized the importance of facing myself and therefore facing the world. By changing myself I could actually be a living example. There was no need anymore to hide myself and peep through the key hole to observe life. The more I started to understand life and me as life the more I saw the need for an Equal Money System to end inequality and equally live and breathe ourselves for the first time without the fear of survival creeping up ones neck into real physical life.

 

I started blogging and vlogging to spread the Desteni message just as they had equally done for me. I fell and I stood up during those last 4 years, every time stronger. Desteni helped me on a personal level to overcome events in my life I would have gone insane over when I didn’t know that the key and therefore the answers are always inside of me. Taking Self-responsibility and being Self-honest became more clear to me over the years. The difference is now I’m slowly but surely walking these words and before I was still comprehending these words. I have gone from self-manipulation to self-directing and the result is less stress while sailing a stable stance in life.

 

At the moment also my partner is doing SRA-1 and my teenage kids are applying the Desteni tools and materials as far as they are capable. I was able to hear the message of Desteni, one that says that we should love our neighbors like ourselves. Which implies that we first need to love ourselves in order to be able to love our neighbors. First we better/improve ourselves and then reflect the improved Self into the world. We do this in common sense and in the best interest of all in all ways. To understand that life takes place here within our physical reality and not up there in our minds. If we want a better life why not have a better life for all?

 

If you can see and hear that this world is heading towards destruction and that we only have 1 life to stop and change that world as ourselves, the join us. See and investigate for yourself what we’re standing for and decide whether you wan to be the change, by changing you as a being. We are people just like you, so it’s never too late to join us and become a Destonian for life.

 

 

Not now! 11/02/2011

Lately I have been enjoying the communication with my body, I finally became aware of it. I had separated myself in such an extent from my body that even the signal to take a pee was something I totally ignored. This resulted in a huge trained bladder, but I can’t remember if I ever desired a big bladder.

Listening to my body when it comes to food has opened a whole other world and also here I enjoy the simplicity and collaboration with my own body. In a way it has given me more self-trust.

A few weeks ago just a week after my menstruation, my body started already to inflate in preparation for the next menstruation. It’s amazing how much my body parts can inflate and stay that way for a week or two weeks and then all of a sudden it deflates within an hour or less. It’s almost as if I imagine the sudden inflation and deflation, but in these moments I physically fit hardly in my bra or trousers and when it’s gone I have space left.

Last night just before I went to bed I felt an aching within my abdomen and figured it might be gas. I prepared myself for bed and the undressing part is in winter an horribly cold experience, but once I touch the mattress of my waterbed  I return to normal temperatures again. Within this moment of lying in bed I do not enjoy it when for what ever reason I have to get out my bed again. So lets rewind this, when I undressed and felt the pain I had a flash going through my mind while asking myself when my next menstruation date was due. I completely ignored this flash, because it implied not stepping in my bed while being cold due to undressing myself. Further in order to check my menstruation date I had to go downstairs again and start my computer again and look into my calender and become an ice lolly. Instead I stepped into my bed and enjoyed the warmth of it. While lying in bed I had another flash about me bleeding in bed and having to wash my sheets the next morning. I didn’t pay any attention to it at all and fell asleep.

In the middle of the night I woke of a nasty tickle in my throat. I never wake myself up in the middle of the night and not at all for a tickle in my throat. A feeling of agitation came over me, why was my body wakening me and why did it want to speak to me in the middle of the night? I started coughing, but quite soon I understood that it wasn’t going away. Before I knew it I stood beside my bed and headed for the bathroom. At this point I was completely awake and drank some water to calm down the tickle in my throat. I decided to take a pee since I was awake and standing in front of the toilet. I produced a few drops and didn’t think it was worth it while sitting on a cold toilet seat for just a few drops. When I wiped myself I noticed blood on the toilet paper, my menstruation had just started and did not even stain my painty. I took measures and went back to bed. Okay, so that was it what my body was communicating with me, that which I was ignoring so obstinately.

Only this morning I realised that I again had been ignoring my body speaking to me. My body did quite some attempts to communicate and I kept saying: NOT NOW! I thought that I was apparently directing my own body when it came to my menstruation, but that was not really the case, it’s just a full automated program running already for many years. The only choice or freedom I have within this is deciding if I’m going to participate within the menstrual pains and discomforts or not.

I enjoyed my new acquired communication with my physical body, but only when the message suited me. Communication with my body is unconditional and may not be based on desires and mindfucks. So from now on I have to be more in the present and be aware of my own physical body. This time I was ignoring an unwanted message and I was within my mind already busy with the next task, going to dreamland.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore signals of my physical body such as having to pee.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being here and therefore missing out on the communication attempts of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to hear certain messages from my body and others I ignore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can change my menstruation cycle by ignoring it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in the future doing already my next task.

 

50 Ways to leave your vlogging 09/02/2011

Lately I had quite some excuses and justifications for not vlogging more regularly. My writings are consistently and it would be cool if my vlogging is in the same line with my blogging. This song of “50 ways to leave your lover” popped up into my mind. Some days I do have have 50 ways or excuses, but tonight I’ll keep it to my top 10 of most frequently used excuses or justifications.

To check the title of the song I came across the lyrics and it showed me even more what a bullshit I had been producing.

The problem is all inside your head 

She said to me

The answer is easy if you

Take it logically

I’d like to help you in your struggle

To be free

There must be fifty ways

To leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack

Make a new plan, Stan

You don’t need to be coy, Roy

Just get yourself free

Hop on the bus, Gus

You don’t need to discuss much

Just drop off the key, Lee

And get yourself free

The problem is all inside my mind 

I said to myself

the answer is easy if I

take common sense

with the equality equation I end my struggle

to set myself free

there may not be 50 ways

to leave my vlogging

Just slip out of the back door, for more

Make a new excuse, juice

You don’t need to fear, dear

Just set yourself free

Hop through your mind, kind

You don’t need to think much

Just drop of free will, Syl

And set yourself free

1. I’ve got nothing of importance to share on camera with the rest of the world.

Bullshit, sharing myself and sharing my process is always of importance for myself and others. Within the vlogging I can practise the living words and see where I have points to work on.

2. My English isn’t sufficient enough to express myself in a way that I can reach out and make a difference.

Bullshit, till so far nobody asked for subtitling, so what has changed? My opinion within my mind towards vlogging has changed. Opinions and non consistant thoughts are not real so this one can be disregarded. Everybody can make a difference when common sense, self-honesty and acting in the best interest of all is applied. There is no need to make “making a difference” into fine art, there is no room for specialness within ones and equality.

3. My computer and tools are old and not efficient enough to make video’s in a modern up to date way.

Bullshit, even with old materials I can get the message across. It’s the message that counts and not the fancy outside.

4. I know what to talk about when I’m not able to record.

Bullshit, I can take notes and tape it later. There is no need for emotions and feelings of being in the mood and being energetic charged to record a video. I proofed that already many times to myself so why do I not learn from my experiences? Simply because I search for a reason to not vlog.

5. Within my mind the spoken words were more effective.

Bullshit, I know that I’m the king within my own mind and that I always will disappoint myself within reality when I compare those two with each other.

6. There is always someone around which enables me to record a video.

Bullshit, there are always occasions enough to record while nobody is in the room. It’s more the shame of not wanting to record with others in my presence. I feel judged when they see me possibly stumble. These thoughts and fears are not the reality and just another excuse to not record when someone else is in the room. It’s not the judging of others it’s me judging myself and fearing myself within vlogging and what may come up.

7. I want validation through vlogging and at the same time I don’t want validation on myself.

Bullshit, trying to get self validation through others or through the things I do is simply not facing myself. This not facing myself reflects in the fact that I’m at the same time don’t want any validation/judging. It’s because I see it as judging that it turns into negative and something ugly. So no need for that, it’s all in the mind and therefore not real. I vlog for myself to get insides within myself and that’s the main reason for doing so, helping each other by sharing our individual processes is also an important reason to not overlook.

8. I know about what and how to vlog, I simply can not push myself to do it regularly.

Bullshit, I can push myself to anything as long as I’m self-honest with myself. Excuses are dishonest and not facing myself.

9. When the consistency is out of my vlogging I build up a new resistance for it.

Bullshit, if I really belief this opinion of mine I rather would not let it come to this point where the consistency goes out of my vlogging. I simply do not belief this and see it as another excuse to not face myself and to put things on camera.

10. When I focus myself on other Desteni related things I can be effective too, for the best interest of all.

Bullshit, I can always do more or other Desteni related stuff, but it cannot take away the point of vlogging. I need to simply face it and push myself through it. So I made a short vlog today to have a start.