Sylvia's writing to freedom

Blood and screaming sucked me back into a memory 31/07/2011

This blog is removed due to the misuse of Desteni-haters, for the ones that would like to read this blog it’s available on the Desteni-site. On the Desteni forums haters are not allowed, we stand for what’s best for all and abusing personal information does not fit our principle.

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Pictures withholding me from living within reality 14/07/2011

My partner P. checked the weather forecast and today will be the hottest day in a row of heat waves. The forecast is 38 degrees Celsius ( 100.4 F ) in the shade. Together we decided to head for the river, a half hour drive from our home. For about a week we are having heat waves now.  The last couple of days the heat is causing problems for our computers. Cooling down with ice packs does help a bit, but not on an old laptop which has to perform at editing videos. So I’ve mostly been working early in the morning and late at night. The house has no airco, therefore the only way to deal with it is escaping the house at the hottest moment of the day.

 

When we arrived at the road above the river, there were yet no cars parked, only 2 scooters. P. and I reacted with: “GREAT !”, on which our son J. said: “why is it always so great when there are not too many people?” Good question and good observation. P. and I are both not attracted to the big masses. Enjoying ones day at the beach or river like sardines packed in a tin, isn’t our idea of outdoor fun. That’s exactly why we didn’t decide to go to the beach today, but instead going to the river.

 

What is running in the background for me is the way I perceive this spot at the river. To me it’s kind of a secret spot that not too many people know and I see it as an idyllic place. So when the rocks along the river are packed with people, the picture of my physical reality contradicts my mind definition of the place. This gives friction and feelings of something isn’t okay, while it’s bullshit and common sense that at hot days also the river is packed with people. So my experience of myself here depends on pictures and definitions and isn’t one of stability yet. This way of thinking is even a mind fuck to the extent that it’s limiting myself to really fully enjoy myself in the cold waterfalls, rock basins and the water slides. There is this little track where one can go along with the stream over the rocks like the water slides in water parks.

 

Funny how I do not describe the water slide in the first person here. I never took the slide so I do not speak from a point of experience. P. and the kids love the slide. My excuses are: the water is too cold, I’m not really the swimming type and the stream goes too fast. Within the sentence “I’m not really the swimming type” I see that I still live within personality, because if I’m not a swimmer what am I instead? Someone who likes to sit at the sea or river side, thinking that she actually enjoys being there. But in fact when I look in self-honesty inside myself, I see that this definition of myself is the same time a limitation of myself. Therefore not really a moment of enjoyment and not at all as being in nature, with nature and as nature.

 

The fast streams give me this sense of fear, the fear of losing control, going too fast and not being able to get out of the situation. On the other hand I never took this water ride so all of this is in fact mind babble and not tested within the physical reality. While I’m writing this on paper I’m at the river. I’ll see if I will allow myself to be directed by this fear over the day.

 

Since temperatures are rising to 41 degrees Celsius ( 105.8 F ) in the shade, I decided to give it a shot and go into the ice cold water. The kids took me to a nice rock basin, but I first noticed a resistance already by leaving our spot and walking through the people masses to the basin. I didn’t feel confident enough to walk around in my bikini through the masses of people. My son J. said to my daughter A., mom has difficulties with showing her body in public. Yes, that was the nail on the head. But I kept breathing fully aware of what my mind was pulling off and staying in the physical. Seeing that everybody was bothering it’s own business, made me realize that I wasn’t that much in the spot lights as I imagined myself to be. Making a big deal out of walking in my bikini would merely be a mind fuck.

 

So off we went to the little rock basin. I took some time to let my body get used to the cold water and then we jumped in. The kids said that it was best to first take a dive in the basin and get used to the water temperature before taking the water slide track. Also here I noticed resistance towards jumping into deep parts of water, I prefer some steady ground underneath my feet. Again a point of control. Then we went off to the water slide and indeed it was fun and it was not that difficult to stop myself before going down on the next waterfall. Strange enough I expected resistances at this point of taking the slide, but there weren’t any. During the day we took several times the water slide to keep ourselves refreshed.

 

So the physical reality told me exactly what it was to pay attention to and the mind babble only intensified the fears within me. Therefore no more fears before trying things out in the physical reality. Which should mean a life full of dares ahead in common sense and fastening my seat bells.

 

The reason why I started writing this story is the fact that I’m seeing this place as an idyllic, totally natural outing of nature. While this perception is based in pictures. By taking this spot as total natural with clear, pure mountain water, I was merely following the picture in my mind. Last year we found out that this river, more down stream, had been polluted with the dumping of toxic waste. No one could see a difference by looking at the water, only when people spotted  lots of death fish and alarmed the right agencies who tested the water they found out what was going on. Therefore we have to question ourselves if we perceive reality through mind processes such as pictures or if we are in the physical and seeing what is really here.

 

Most people live within their pictures and definitions, which makes us incapable of looking beyond the so called beautiful picture. We even do not like it when others tell us how fucked-up reality really is. It simply contradicts our make belief experience of reality. I’m within a process of seeing more and more what is really here. The picture presentation I presented myself till today was still a point where I was holding onto a make belief world.

 

Time to get real, which doesn’t mean to fear the world or not trusting it. Simply following the money to see where certain pictures of the mind are in discrepancy with reality. As long as we keep ourselves within a make belief world, nothing will change due to our inactive behavior. The world though does change, because while we are enjoying our make belief movie, things are turning really ugly. Denying it, will not make it go away. It won’t go away.

 

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that its better to spend a day at the river with not too many people there.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel special and therefore wanting a special place almost alone for me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get agitated by the fact that more people go to the river and spoil my picture and idea about a secret place all alone for me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the whole of humanity by wanting to be alone at the river, not understanding that there is no me and them within the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that being packed like sardines is something bad to such an extent that I want to separate myself from it. While not seeing that this equals separating me from myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give a definition of specialness to the spot along the river and in doing so making me special for being there.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel friction when my mind pictures do mot match reality.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself by pictures  and personality instead of being stable here in every breath.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through building a false reality based on pictures.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself here in every breath at the river side due to pictures and limitations of the mind. While understanding that it takes only 1 breath to direct myself and see what is here.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not being the swimming type.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself within personality.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control based on ideas and no real time experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with no real time experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed about my body image when walking through masses of people in a bikini.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as the centre of the world and imagining all people looking and staring at me when I pass by.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that people will be shocked by seeing my almost naked body while I’m not considering the fact that people look at my bald head.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear jumping into a deep water basin and losing control.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I lose control when jumping in a water basin where I cannot get my feet on the ground.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the water slide based on mind projections.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give more value to my mind pictures than reality, in an attempt to live in a world that has still beautiful places and is  exactly that what I see through my mind.

 

When and as I see myself participating within a point of experiencing myself and my world through mind pictures and beliefs.  I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by doing so I separate myself from reality and myself. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the fear to live within the physical reality -and participate equally.

 

There is no way back 23/02/2011

Today I realised that there is no way back, because I do not allow and accept myself to participate within a return to the old. The old that obviously didn’t work, otherwise I wouldn’t have been looking for a better or different approach to what I call life.

Since I started studying the Desteni materials and since I started my ‘I’process I have experienced that I can change me. That I as a human can be changed by my own self willed directive actions. Stopping the mind, stopping thoughts, stopping memories, all by just simply not participating within them.

Today in the car while looking at the scenery outside, I was observed the world outside and within that the first thought came up about what I saw. I realised how useless the thought was and I could already see that participating within it would lead me nowhere than only following my inner world’s highway and interconnect to all kinds of different locations which would lead me again to nowhere. So I stopped, I didn’t allow and accept myself to participate within this thought about the scenery. A few minutes later while still watching the scenery outside the car I noticed there was another thought coming up, but still unknown to me. The best way to describe this is waves, the thoughts come like high tide, one wave after the other and only at its highest point it reveals its nature. The thought wasn’t yet on his highest point and I stopped it and it washed away. With this one wave the whole tide washed away and it was so cool. After that thought others tried to pop up, but I didn’t allow them either. So I did it, I stopped the thought before it revealed itself to me in full awareness.

Imagine knowing that I’m capable of stopping myself from participating within the mind, how small this attempt might be, it is the reason to never look back again and follow the straight disciplined path that is before me. I simply have to participate within my process and within this reality. The world is going crazy and I’ve let it come this far, just as every other human on this planet. I do have a voice in sound and in written words so I will use that and take back my own responsibility. When the world gets crazy which in essence means, we get crazy, because we are the reflection that our world exists of. We are the problem and within that also the solution. The only question I need to ask myself is why not use the key while I’m holding it?

There are people out there who do not see the point of releasing oneself from one’s patterns, fears, emotions, feelings and thoughts. Neither do they see the point of releasing it through publicly writing and they can not imagine that, how they see this writing as sitting behind one’s computer, would bring any change in this world. This kind of thinking can only be backed up when one doesn’t see oneself as the problem, the starting point of the current state our world is in. These are the same people who go to church and pray and hope for change while watching reality on tv instead of being real and changing themselves for real.

Our world goes crazy and the riots that take place are getting grimmer every time a new one starts. People are so called fighting for freedom, but instead they are fighting their own fears and hating the very guts of man. They think they are fighting together against the evil and do not see that they are fighting separately within self interest. This very point of self interest will in all ways obstruct the best interest of all and therefore these riots will never lead us to new, stable and sustainable solutions. These riots are as our very own thoughts and will lead us nowhere, only if we stop them, we can see in common sense that we need real collaboration within reality. As long as we keep our thoughts alive, we are living within a delusional make believe world that entails us that freedom without consequences and without taking responsibility is a real solution.

I will keep using my voice and build my house on a rock. No violence is necessary as long as you are able to see that you are a part of the problem and therefore a part of the solution. There is no way back, it’s either going forward in no matter what speed or looping in the same circles over and over again. I won’t go there anymore, I will lift my head and chin up and walk, alone or together. Either you join me or stay trapped within your surreality.

 

Sinking ship 16/01/2011

Today, while making lunch, I got caught up in the mind. The mind was randomly searching through my vast amount of memories and started like a jukebox playing one of them. This one had really nothing to do with the moment I was physically in, there wasn’t even a smell, a thought or a sound that triggered it.

It was a memory from an event that happend approximately 10 months ago. It was in the first weeks after I had shaved my head walking in the main street of our village and bumping in one of my neighbours and her sister from across the street. The sister looked at me as if she saw an alien and my neighbor A. who isn’t easy to shock made a comment on my head. We started talking and I gave my flyer in which I explained my reasons for shaving my head, I do this so people will remember when they look at the flyer again. She read it and said that she totally agreed with my message, but wasn’t going to join me in shaving her head. Then she became gloomy and said: “What’s the use to do anything about this world, our world is as a sinking ship and is already half way under water, there is no way we can safe it.” At first I was surprised that she agreed with me and then when she got all gloomy I saw that her answer wasn’t any different from the answers the pre-programmed majority already had given: we can’t change the system. For a moment I saw her as special and on my side, till she became gloomy. At that point in my process I wasn’t capable to expand in the Italian language on the sinking ship part. Today through this memory I looked at it again.

I do see that we can compare our world system with a sinking ship and that’s what’s happening we are half way destroying  humanity, our flora and fauna. Maybe it’s a good idea to let it sink, we can always build a new ship. Once we know why it sunk in the first place we can improve the design and build a seaworthy ship. It is never too late when we start understanding why we fucked up our world, why we let the ship sink, why we watched it and didn’t do anything. We accepted and allowed a bad design to exist in the first place and then blamed it on the design and even on the designer, overlooking the fact that we kept using the ship.

We are programmed to believe that we can’t change this world, that we need a higher force to do that for us and that we have to live as a good person to please the higher force to help us out of the shit that nor we nor our higher force have anything to do with and neither are to blame for. What are we saying here exactly? We say that we humans can’t change our current situation which we have created through our past for which we will not take any responsibility. We need someone powerful to clean up the mess we left behind since we didn’t create it and we are absolutely not capable of doing so ourselves. It will be no surprise that this belief and behaviour results in millions of zombies covering our planet. Zombies who “think” that the cure for all of this, which is stopping the mind/ego, turns them into zombies. This makes me fucking wet my pants, because I can’t stop laughing. I mean where do we start when people fear being a zombie while they ARE the fucking zombies?

I’ll say let our capitalistic ship sink, it will do it all by itself, the cause is a matter of our compounded greed. Who ever is getting through the sinking part will find himself in the shoes of Job, robbed of all his material possessions. It seems that humans have to feel first what is happening to them in order to comprehend what is happening already for decades to others. The physical is our measurement for what is real, real is what is touchable. If you physically don’t own anything touchable you know for sure that you’ve been fucked, fucked by your own creation. Maybe in that moment self-forgiveness en self-honesty will appeal to you as the best solution. Will you make it when the ship has already sunk? We can build a new one, but we need lots of hands in order to do so. Hands that are not averse to working, hands that do not fear if they’re capable, but hands that want to create in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when people think we can’t change us nor the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good knowing that someone else is on my side.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel surprised that someone agrees with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated for not being able to express myself sufficient in Italian.

 

Where dead birds drop on your head… 09/01/2011

Today after many times skipping my walk around the block I walked again. The weather has been awful, but that’s a lame excuse. I know that every time after not walking for a while I sort of regret it. Which is in fact a stupid or ineffective way to live my life, to not act then later regret it and not seeing or understanding the point why I didn’t act in the first place. I would say a very difficult way to handle myself.

So we walked, there was this soft warm breeze and a nice 12 degrees Celsius. I felt the wind touching the skin of my face and I felt here within reality. Every step I did was a connection with the earth, every breath and every step. Yes this is what life feels like even if life is a fuckin horrendous creation of our minds. Real reality is something I prefere nowadays over my mind reality. Maybe I can be and do anything within my mind and believe that it is without consequences, being here in every breath is making it possible to change and see/experience the real difference these changes bring.

A short while ago I thought that I had shingles again, fear took me in it’s grip. This time I saw the nasty fucker coming, it sneaked out of my solar plexus to get his hand on my throat. I stopped and decide not to play along with this fear. So I choose reality over mind, then I forgave myself for participating within this fear. I had started lubricating the spot on my cheek with anti-viral cream and did so for 2 days. It never came to anything, it faded away and I witnessed me standing up for myself within not participating in this fear and standing up in the best interest of all. Just not participating in the pre-programming and the unified field is acting in the best interest of all. It takes only 1 moment to change and it takes many moments to change our world, but we have this power and self-trust to be more than robots to be the improved version of ourselves.

Who isn’t seeing that our world is in serious problems is simply doomed, who does see the atrocities and compounding events needs to stand up and no longer hide in fear. Fear has never liberated anybody so far in history so what would make you the first? Wouldn’t it be nice to walk without fear and feel the wind touching your skin and to be proud on the world you walk in? Or would you prefer a world where dead birds drop on your head, where viruses are ruling and everybody is acting from ego grabbing around them in greed and self-interest? To me this isn’t even a choice it’s crystal clear that I want to leave a world behind that is capable of giving all life a dignified life. Be 1 vote for world equality together with me and show the strength that’s within you, roll up your sleeves and build a better world!

 

I can’t stand my physical body for showing me reality and the truth about myself 03/01/2011

A few hours ago a felt a little pimple on my cheek, at least I thought I felt a pimple. So I decided to look into it later to see what kind of anger or frustration I was holding inside me. When I touched it again some time later I wasn’t sure if it was a pimple. It is situated on the spot where I had twice shingles, I just recovered from the last episode.

I felt an energy charge within my body and my mind started to speak to me. What if it is shingles again and I allowed myself to feel sick in my stomach only from the thought. The fear accumulated and I let my partner P. and later my daughter A. look at it and they both said that it didn’t look like a pimple. I was mad, mad for going along with this energy charge and mad on the fact that I might have again shingles at more or less the same spot. The fear accumulated even more, what if I have a weird disease that’s causing me to have shingles over and over again? What is wrong with my immune system? What is it that I haven’t seen yet that’s causing this? Why do I believe the voice in my head?

What have I overlooked the last two times, what do I still have to work on? What energy is still within me?

“Heaven” is the word that tested out with muscle communication and to clarify that the following sentence: “Approval and pretense rarely go together with inner decisions.” In another session I tested that my shingles was about not standing up or speaking out, so I internally haven’t fully committed yet to stand up for myself as life. My actions were according to standing up as life for all, but it wasn’t backed up yet with a 100% inner decision. So I asked myself what was withholding me from not going for the full 100% and I tested that I fear to die in order to rebirth myself as the physical. The dying is the dead of the ego, okay so I’m still not willing to give up ego. I still believe what the mind tells me about myself, who I believe I am. Things like: I’m a good person, I’m able to listen to others, I care for others, I’m creative etc. So every time I’ll believe myself to be a certain way I wil stop and slow down, I will breathe and remain here in the physical. This is heavy, but it’s not that I considered myself already free of ego, no not at all. So a lot of work, but not different from the moment before I started writing this blog. I’m determined now again by the fact that the ego is sneaky and can’t be trusted and I have to be more careful and aware. To understand what the mind is up to before it attacks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I had a pimple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the spot was a pimple and not being aware of the energy the mind was accumulating in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel physically sick by the thought of having shingles again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at myself for going along with this fear energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mad at my body for possibly producing shingles again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at my physical body for showing me reality and the truth about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a weird disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my immune system is deficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what is causing the shingles every time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself as life with a 100% inner decision backing this up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to die and rebirth myself as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dead of my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the things my mind tells me about myself in relation to my identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being careful and aware when it comes to the actions of the mind/ego.

 

Cheese 30/12/2010

While I was figuring out which topic to use for my blog tonight, after eating a pizza with cheese, I decided to write about my reaction to cows cheese. In that same moment while taking this decision, I (or better said my mind) for a moment saw the topic cheese as something inferior to all other topics, whatever those may be. It was in a flash and I do not really recall if it were words or images in which my ego spoke to me, but the bottom line was that I could do better than writing about cheese. Just in this fraction of a second I could decide to participate within my ego, but I rather choose not. I saw the deception, dishonesty in tricking me in specialness, fear of not writing good enough and all that would be triggered by this specialness and fear for inferiority.

In fact I was doubting between 2 topics, cheese and more about sexuality since it’s a “hot” subject right now for me. I decided to leave the sexuality point for a moment to not feed it and make it more special, all points in process are equally relevant. So I wil start with cheese, it’s a point from my diet series that needs its follow up.

I had a pizza tonight with cheese, right now this is the only dish in wich I still eat cheese. Nevertheless the cheese gives me a lot of mucus after eating, for half an hour or so. So what represents cow cheese and what definition do I give to it?

The first word I muscle communicated is “bubble” . The bubble I’m living in, was my first association, the bubble that I call my reality. Then I tested the following phrase: ” Well, frustrated or not, I still ask myself how heaven can really be here, when I really do not experience it.” This sentence combined with the bubble does makes sense to me. I’m in a way frustrated with the state the current world is in and since I do not see any form of heaven on earth I prefer to stay within my bubble. To stay safe and secure from the outside world. Not seeing that I am the outside world, so I’m hiding for myself within my bubble. My biggest fear is my mind which is me as long as I participate within it. Going against it is only challenging the ego. The ego that knows me best of all, which button to push to get me down on my knees. I WILL NOT OBEY YOU, EGO, I WILL NOT. I WILL STAND UP EVEN IF IT’S AGAINST MY PRE-PROGRAMMING. So I basically hide from something I cannot hide from, it’s part of me. The only way to get rid of my mind/ego is by not participating in it’s evil thoughts/emotions/feelings. In a way I fear myself, I do not trust myself to not participate within my mind/ego. Which makes it impossible to not fear others and to trust others. So it comes all down on what process comes down at, stopping the mind/ego.

That will be  at least the next 7 years no cows cheese if I’m not willing to physically react. I probably will keep on eating my pizza with cheese, in that case that will be my point of measuring how I’m doing as far as I not already do know where I’m at when further in process.

Okay that’s it for now, lots to consider. I will never say again that one topic is less or more than the other. They’re all equal and therefore equally to be resolved. So eat your heart out ego!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with the way my current world is in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay within my bubble since I do not see heaven on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay within my bubble out of fear for my outside world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m safe within my bubble, instead of seeing that the real threat is coming from inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not part of my outside world a world that frustrates me and disgust me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can hide from myself within my bubble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind for what it’s capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within my mind which I know is the source of the mess I’m in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself which is basically not possible, but a believe I hold on to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust myself to stand stable when the mind/ego is challenging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust others due to the lack of trust and fear in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still participate within the mind and not yet stopping it.