Sylvia's writing to freedom

The miracle of multiplying bread and fish 14/08/2011

A few days ago I asked my parents to stay over for dinner. They always visit us a few weeks in summer and stay with their trailer at a nearby camping site. It’s summer now and they are here. So I had taken 6 trout out of the freezer to thaw and to be able to serve the fish that evening. On my way from the freezer in the garage to the kitchen I passed by my father and showed him the fish, he commented with, nice ones. Just before I was about to make dinner, my dad found out that he was staying for dinner. He had missed out on the fact that we already that morning had decided upon eating together. So my partner P. asked him why we would take out 6 fishes if only me and P. were going to eat it? Of course he didn’t know and he didn’t bothered either, he was going to eat fish and that was a pleasant surprise. As a 72 year old system who doesn’t know how to really handle the situation he spitted out a bible line, with the word fish as trigger point. He said, Jesus multiplied 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish and went on with what he was doing.


Later I looked back and had a closer look at the miracle of multiplying bread and fish, that Jesus performed. The text that I read spoke about 5000 people that had to be fed and there was only one boy with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes. The men who were with Jesus saw only a boy with little food and a big mass that needed to be fed. Jesus looked at the 1 boy with food and saw food. That’s the whole point of the story, are you seeing food that belongs to a few or are you seeing food that should be accessible for everyone. Food is food even when it belongs to a select part of the world population, it’s still food and enough to feed the whole world.


It’s a common opinion people have when discussing food and famine. People think there isn’t enough food globally to feed all mouths. But is it really? Just have a look at how much food people, in the rich and fortunate parts of the world, throw away. Look at how much the supermarkets already throw away. Look at how much food is thrown away on the vegetable auctions. The food is there, but we’re unable to use it, because it was fated to be thrown away. Isn’t that a fuck up, knowing how many people suffer and die daily of malnutrition?


Don’t get me wrong when I say we throw away and waste our food that I suggest to take this food to a third world county and feed the people. I’m saying, if we only would take our fair share and eat only that what is sustaining the body we wouldn’t eat or waste other peoples food. So that would mean equalizing the food and food production. That way all people can be fed.


If we on top of that also made the soil in more countries fertile and ready to produce vegetables and fruit we wouldn’t have the problems and costs of transport so much. Some countries would not produce much, because the climat and the soil are making it imposible. That’s no problem since other countries who have a lot of produce could share it. When this would happen in an Equal Money System the issue of how much such an action would cost, would be irrelevant. Therefore the statement that there isn’t enough food isn’t valid, it’s simply a statement of egoism and showing others that they do not want to share the basic needs with each other.


As Jesus already stated, there is food, enough food. We only have to see it, seeing beyond our opinions.


My foster tree 09/06/2011

About 2 months ago we received a letter from a country house in Bologna, addressed to my partner P. A letter in a fancy envelope and printed on the same fancy paper. First I thought it was advertisement, but those companies don’t use fancy paper. We do not know any country house in Bologna, so curiosity made us read the letter. I was astonished about the content of the letter when P. read it to me.


The letter explained that we were the happy foster parents of a peach tree. When at the tree, end of spring, will bear fruit we would get 15 kilo’s of peaches. A variety of peaches from lower and higher branches, so that not all fruit would be over mature after shipping. We looked at each other and I said, what are we going to do with 15 kilo of peaches. We don’t eat marmelade, I could make a cake, but that’s not going to make the 15 kilo away. I suggested to give portions away to people who we knew were in financial trouble just like us not so long ago.


The question was still, why are we all of a sudden foster parents of this tree? It was not hard to see through the money making “sceme” of this country house. I’m not saying this in a negatively way, but it’s clear that they needed money and started this “ecological hype” of adopting trees. The 15 kilo’s of peaches were guaranteed, which means that either our tree makes more than 15 kilo’s so there is no risk and the tree can even function as another adoption project for another person or the country house buys from third parties when the tree produces less than 15 kilo’s. Letting all conspiracies aside, the letter explained that my father-in-law had adopted the peach tree for us.


Another surprise, since we broke all contact in winter when I clearly could see how we, my parents-in-law and my brother-in-law kept an abusive behavior alive revolving around money. After we broke the contact we  still received a few hate mails and they tried to communicate with our kids. Our kids were stable and well informed about what had happend over the last 5 years and therefore not subject to manipulation. So there was this big silence and now the silence was broken by the letter from Bologna. The letter didn’t of course explain why we all of a sudden were the proud parents of a tree. No surprise e-mail from my in-laws to explain anything, just this letter on fancy paper.


I simply couldn’t see the common sense in the whole tree issue. First of all I have a garden full of a variety of fruit trees, there are country houses here in the area that offer the same adoption plans, this way the peaches didn’t have to travel about 200 km from Bologna to here. Then there was still this why, why this gift from my in-laws. My mind started producing some answers, they want to make up for what happened. They can only think in money and gifts to try and solve problems so they came up with this. They think that they know us, so they selected an ecological country house and a ecological tree, to met our concerns for the environment. The most practical way would be to ask them, but I do not want give them “hope” on reinstalling our past abusive relationship. So the most practical options is therefore no option. I let it go and deal with it again when the peaches and if the peaches would arrive.


Yesterday a courier rang at the gate, with 3 flattened, heavy cardboard boxes. I signed, but I had still no clue what was in the boxes. I looked again and saw yellow, within a flash I remembered my tree. OMG this is 15 kilo of peaches! At least not a complete sceme, since the peaches arrived. After inspecting them we saw that almost all the peaches were over mature and several ready to throw away immediately. The splashed peaches had wettend the cardboard boxes and the boxes were crushed due to the moist.The boxes were made out of fancy, with leaves printed cardboard, but the good old wood boxes would have been less appealing but not less effective.


P. handpicked the peaches and brought several kilo’s to several people. My son J. and his dad came up with the idea to make juice out of the rest of the peaches. For juices you need a lot of fruit and in this case we had a lot of fruit. I’ve no idea if the foster tree was only a one year deal or if we will receive peaches ones a year from now on, the letter didn’t tell. The best options in order to move on, is to call the country house and inform if this is a longterm lease. If so I will opt for breaking the contract or at least not receiving the fruit the coming next years. Then it’s up to my father-in-law if he still wants to sponsor this country house, because that’s what this is all about, marketing. And our relationship that can’t be fixed by marketing, only time will show us if the relationship will stand the test of time.


Before I would feel manipulated by my in-laws, now I see the manipulation and I do not participate. That’s what living by the principles of life has brought me so far and I’m enjoying it every day more.



Don’t be a killjoy, just join the party 16/05/2011

An acquaintance of us called today, she asked if we were able to come over next Friday for a mattresses sales party. My partner P. spoke to her on the phone and said that he hadn’t planned on buying mattresses and surely not these expensive ones. 2 years ago we went to a similar party, not to buy, but simply to mingle with the people of the new village we lived in. These kind of products are only sold through parties and are of “such good quality” that you need a loan in order to be able to buy one. The prices are really over valued. So P. hit off the invitation.

The lady told P. that she needed a certain amount of people on her party in order to receive €300,-. Her husband has a pension, which is a joke here in Italy. She runs their B & B, but tourism is this year even slower than last year. So the €300,- that was offered by the salesman, she could really use well. These are people that even with little money still give to others that are in more need than themselves. The 8 months in which we had no money except for a bank loan and some gifts from family, they gave us now and then some meat from their own grown animals. P. agreed on attending to the party if money shortage was the motivation.

My first reaction was, ‘no, I will not participate’. As I see it, this is manipulation through money and therefore unacceptable. This acquaintance of us 2 years ago was really negative about the mattresses and was even spiteful towards the salesman. She admitted that she didn’t like the product and was only in the game for the money. It seems that if it wasn’t for the €300,- bonus nobody was willing to lend his house for a party. If it wasn’t for the money the host gets, almost nobody would ever go to such parties. So we’re  maintaining these parties by allowing and accepting the manipulation in the name of money. To me that’s the world in reverse.

My second reaction was one of guilt towards this lady that had been good to us when we had financial troubles. This could be the moment to return a favour, but I couldn’t make 1+1= 2. The reason that we were in major financial problems had it’s core problem in our behavior throughout the years of separating ourselves from the system. Once we saw this, we addressed it and we slowly are climbing up from the pit. Everybody has his own issues to face and I’m not helping these people out by allowing and accepting manipulation and abuse in the name of money. They have still a few financial issues that really can be solved. Stop smoking would save money, stop spending money on the kids that is more than their fair share, certainly  when the family budget is small. Relatives give big amounts of money to the kids of this couple to spend on useless stuff and candy. They borrow from their own kids in the age of 14 and 11 to be able to get food on the table. These relatives need to understand what they are causing with their generously donating money without really considering the situation and what’s best for all.

Therefore I’ll stick to my first reaction and will not attend the party. I already gave some clothes still in good shape to their youngest daughter. It might not be much, but I see it as practical help to give clothes a second life when still in good shape. The girl loves it, because they are my daughter A. her clothes, the girls best and older friend. I rather keep helping people out in my neighborhood by practical help and not through sustaining a sick money system.


Fighting jealousy, before I become jealousy 16/04/2011

While exploring and getting to know the patterns of my back chat I looked closer into the point of jealousy. Since jealousy is what the back chat triggers. First I couldn’t see the correlation, looking through the eyes of my mind. Then when I self-honestly looked at my back chat, the more nasty one’s, I saw and understood that indeed all these thoughts that were generated by the back chat of my mind could be traced back to the point of jealousy. It’s the struggle within the polarity of more and less where I allow myself to be held prisoner and it always feels like shit after I expose myself.

I’m more and more able, while still going into the back chat, to slow down and at the same time even rewind the thoughts within the event  to spot this jealousy point. The back chat is not hidden within big nasty events, instead I find it in my day to day events, which in the end at the end of the day adds up.

While I was sitting behind my computer and looking out of the window, I saw my neighbor hanging her robe on the drying rack. I felt a nasty thought coming up which I didn’t allowed to come through, though I could sense that the thought was already made and traveling around in the depts of my mind. So I unraveled and searched for the thought I had more or less stopped. I found the thought that ridiculed my neighbor for hanging the robe on the rack. This sounds stupid in itself though attached to this thought are memories and opinions. Six years ago my neighbors applied for a building permission to replace an old iron shed  in their back yard with a bigger stone one. Last year they finally got permission to build, around that time my partner lost his job. The ideas my neighbors had about the shed six years ago totally changed and they decided to make a laundry area in the shed and put a shower in. Now when finally the shed is finished and winter is gone they take a shower in their shed every morning and walk in their robe from the main house into the end of the backyard. I on the other hand take a shower one’s every three days to save gas and water so we can do more with the little money we have.

It was obvious to me that I was trying to feel more by ridiculing them for having build an expensive shed and not being able to have a shower in their home. In their home they shower in the bath tub wich is less comfortable than taking a shower in a shower box. So hanging the robe on the rack triggered all of this and I felt more within using the back chat, but within reality I felt less for not having the financial means to build a luxurious shed in my garden. It’s not even the point of wanting a shed it is the point of being jealous on someone that has money while I have little.

Then the other day I was waiting in the car for my kids to come from school while a big new SUV pulled up the sidewalk. I recognized the man that came out of the car, it was the owner of the organic shop. He was going to pick up his kid from nursery school. Also here I felt a nasty thought coming up and when it came through it didn’t look like a nasty one. Within this thought I wondered if his kid is a boy or a girl, since I never had discovered that. The reply I gave myself on that question turned already into something nasty, within saying the kid has long hair, how can you tell if it’s a boy or a girl if you let your child look like that. I stopped and slowed down to see what was really going on underneath these thoughts. It was the car that was the trigger point, it made me feel less, why can they drive in a big expensive car. The thoughts went further into, probably because of their high prices in their organic shop. So again jealousy and not so much of the car, but more of the fact that they have money to spend on such things.

Today I cleaned at J.&A. their Country house and we enjoyed each others company and we had worked like a team to get the apartments clean before the guest starts coming in for their holidays. We were chatting a bit and while A. spoke I watched her mouth while she was speaking, A. is a really cute looking lady and she always smiles, I liked the way her mouth moved while speaking. At the same time I could sense nasty thoughts were going to be formed and I challenged my mind. I said: what are you doing? There is no need for nasty thoughts at all, I’m having a conversation and enjoying it and I will not allow and accept  nasty thoughts to come and spoil the moment. Within that moment the thoughts faded away. I was kind of proud that I had proven to myself that I can be my own directive principle. At the same time I realize the amount of back chat thoughts that I still have to tackle, but I’m grateful for the progress I have made. Being aware and recognizing the back chat is the first step, before the real hiking can start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous on the money others have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity in more and less in relation to money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cope with feeling less through nasty thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this pattern of jealousy.


Cutting back on our children through education 26/02/2011

Today my son J. came home from school and told me that he had to make a shopping list for the stationers. Apart from the normal notebooks and drawing paper, the art teacher wanted colored tracing paper in at least 4 colors. Two weeks ago the art teacher wanted yarn in at least 4 colors, she comes up with all kinds of materials outside the curriculum. I understand she likes to spice up the art lessons and the education system here in Italy has had this year tremendous cutbacks. So the choice is, letting the parents buy extra materials over and over again or just stick to pencil and paper and learn the students the basics of drawing. It frustrates me to buy way too much art materials for quite useless art expressions while I can use that money for better purposes like my basic needs.

Instead of letting all the students buy their own extra materials for art lessons which results often in buying too much due to the packages the materials come in. One group of students could buy one color of a certain material and other groups could buy other colors. In this case the amount of materials would also be more precise and less a waste of money and materials. Another scenario is giving money to the teacher and let her buy the right materials in the right amounts. All not that difficult to come up with just common sense.

Another problem apart from the cutbacks in education and having to buy more school materials yourself then before, is that a lot of parents lost their jobs due to the crisis. So the teacher assumes that every student is always financially capable of buying these extra art materials. Half of the students show up with the materials the others bring nothing, because their parents simply don’t have the money. This art teacher thinks her subject is the most important one of all, but lets say I neither do have the money to buy all the books for my child. Then the child is fucked, the lessons take place with or without a book, you simply flank the subject. There are funds for the people with the lowest income ever, but if you as a parent lose your job after this funding has taken place, then you are left with nothing. So the system is spiting you.

Buying these extra materials is not always a necessary, but I do understand that the teacher wants to teach in an appealing way to the students. Till now it was Middle School I was talking about, already in elementary school the teachers became inventive and lazy after the first cutbacks from the government over the last years. My kids had always gymnastics as part of the school curriculum, all of a sudden the same teachers were no longer capable of teaching sports. So they hired a local physiotherapist to do the job, all students had to pay €10 for 10 lessons and they all had to go to the local stationers to buy a yoga mat for €20, 10 lessons for €30. So all of a sudden my child had only 10 gymnastic lessons over the whole school year period and I had to pay €30 because the teachers were too lazy to do it themselves. It turned out that the local physiotherapist was in need for a small extra job and he did a favor to the local stationers to let her sell the yoga mats. The same happend with music lessons, €10 for 10 lessons. So now I was paying €40 for extra lessons that the teachers could have done themselves, but they gave the job to someone who could use some extra money due to the crisis. All extremely noble, but is it in the best interest of all?

For me this wasn’t going to work out. I spoke to the teachers and parents and nobody saw what my problem was. It’s only €10 euros for 10 lessons, that is cheap they said. Indeed that’s cheap if I compare that with music lessons, sports or art lessons outside of school. I’m talking about money that I have to pay otherwise my child misses out on education. I tried it with the music lessons and asked the teacher where my son had to go when I didn’t pay. He would have gone out of the classroom with his own teacher and do some homework. So he was removed from the system as he wasn’t paying. I paid I didn’t want him to be separated from the group for an idealistic motive that didn’t solve the inequality that played out here.

The point is education how it presents itself now within the current capitalistic system with all the cutbacks the government makes, is like education that equals to education within a third world country. The buildings are old and sometimes even dangerous, the furniture is really old and most educational materials the parents have to buy themselves. By law you have to attend school, but what is the value? The teachers teach still like there is money, even school advise for the students about what to study in a later stadium and what profession to become, are based on the times where work/jobs were still available. So the system runs like always and doesn’t see that the equipement is old and is suffering severe and that it will collapse every moment now. Sounds familiar to me, aren’t we doing the same with our bodies throughout life and isn’t our society playing out the same movie here?


Political clown or womanizer? 20/02/2011

Berlusconi, the oldster that directs the country that I live in is a man that represents the polarity of adoration and hatred. The majority of Italians adore him for the life he lives and the power he has and they long for the same kind of life. The minority hates him for destroying the country and the countries name on the world map. I may watch and have a whole lot of opinions, but my vote against him will not be heard as a foreigner living in Italy. I do not hate him nor adore him, I will only speak of what I see.

I see a man that is holding on to the memories of the good life he once had, still wanting to be the casanova of many years ago while his expiration date is since long expired. Buying all and everybody that is venal just to still this fear of losing his power. Fearing to lose his life where he pulls the strings, losing that what he determines as himself. Now life starts consuming him in a rapid way he grabs around him to take that what still reminds him of himself. He will always put himself first, he needs to be occupied with himself, consumed with himself in order to  constantly confirm himself that he’s still alive and not passed away in such a sneaky way that he didn’t notice the fact that he has diminished. What would you do when you were in the shoes of Berlusconi, driven by money, sex and power in order to feel alive? I would hate myself and fear the day that my people, the same people as where I am one of, would expose my fear of losing myself.

So by seeing how Berlusconi became who he is, I see that he isn’t capable of doing good for his country and the Italians in it, he’s incapable of doing good for the Europeans or doing good for the citizens of the world. The US thinks of him as a political clown and he’s aside from his sex scandals with minor girls being exposed on Wikileaks. He offended his European colleagues many times and is not really beloved around the globe. Although the man’s image is damaged nationally and internationally, he still thinks that he can be in office till the next elections in 2013. The majority of Italians that do belief the information they get from Berlusconi’s tv channels, newspapers and magazines keep on voting for him in parlement. In other words, we keep on going with this misery, only based on an image we have of somebody else and the image this person has of himself.

If we were only able to see why we think that we know a person by only knowing a few things about him, this world would not be the same as today. Whenever we are introduced to a new person we scan them in a few seconds and have a complete opinion and picture about this person. My picture of Berlusconi is coloured through my own memories and experiences. To me someone in his seventies isn’t the person that will lift up a country and isn’t still capable of being more then the sum of his memories. To me a person that needs validation from outside sources such as money, sex and power to be someone isn’t your man to rule the country. To me he’s a zombie who is ruling over zombies, which makes me a zombie too. So Berlusconi represents to me a nasty picture that I do not like, which makes every mistake he makes into a big misstep to me. If my picture of him was quite positive, a few mistakes wouldn’t have bothered me so much and I would give him a next chance.

We think we know each other while we not even know ourselves. Although I know 1 thing when I or someone else doesn’t pass the equality equation and isn’t acting in the best interest of all, over and over again, then such a person needs to be removed from the position he/she is in. Due to not knowing ourselves and all the others around us is disturbing enough in itself, but we may not let that cause situations of inequality. Several groups have gone protesting in the streets of Italy, making noise with pots and pans, but it will not change anything as long as we do not understand why our world is our world the way it is. Italy could be a potential candidate for riots, we already had some, but non as severe as Egypt and Tunisia. We are a 1st world country where a lot of people live in poverty and a minor group like our Berlusconi live in paradise or should I say: their home made hell.


Double life of a soldier 16/02/2011

I’m sick, sick to my stomach after watching a 10 minute during You Tube video about homecoming US soldiers. One after the other surprised their kids, spouses or partners, all dressed up in army clothing. I haven’t had such a strong reaction after watching  a video since I saw my first animal or human abuse movies. It was the same energy that made me nauseous then and now, this feeling of anger towards our hypocrite world and our irresponsible behavior. Where I definitely play my part in. So it’s anger towards myself for accepting and allowing these double life’s of soldiers and shams of what life really is.

All the grown ups and kids in the video had all the same physical reaction towards the loved one, the soldier. They literally climbed into the soldiers and cried and kissed them. When seeing this picture of a child that sees his/her daddy again, after months of absence, it brings cuteness to the picture. When I saw grown up women do the same I saw what was behind it, lust and sex. It was this kind of a release that finally their need for sex was again secured for a while. In a way it was this polarity that was presented to me, the innocent child versus the manipulative, I do everything for sex, adult. It made me sick because it was showing in such an obvious way how our world is fucked up. Money is sex and sex is money, money is power and power is war, therefore war is money and sex to stay in power.

How can we not see that it is asking for so much problems when you bring up your children with blood on your hands because you incidentally murdered another dad his child. Colateral damage you call it while the other dad calls it murder filled with hate. How can one ever justify murdering another for the sake of one’s fatherland. Soldiers are people who are used by their own government and are not considered as worthy by the same government. Of course they make you believe they care about you as a soldier, but that’s only advertisement to keep the war engine rolling. Without soldiers no war, without soldiers no free guinea pigs. These turf wars are just too ridiculous for words. We lie ourselves into other countries with the excuse to bring all kinds of delusions such as freedom and democracy, while we are simply there to steel their valuable commodities. Most soldiers really want to believe that they are in this foreign country for the sake of the people of this conquered country. How can you ever believe this propaganda when you are inside the wasp’s nest, what is it do you want to feel special? There are plenty occupations out there in which you can really make a difference but it isn’t the profession of a soldier that changes the world. It’s apart from prostitution one of the oldest professions in this world and it has always been a lie to cover up another lie. It did stand the test of time to proof itself as a delusion and a fine piece of work if it comes to manipulation and indoctrination.

Being a whore or a soldier doesn’t make that much of a difference. They both sell their bodies, their manual labor. They both have their life’s at risk and it’s all about money and power, but it’s not them that pulling the strings. It’s their bosses and the bosses of their bosses that want to be in power of all that is achievable within a lifetime or within a lifetime of several generations. So these bosses are in the game to gain as much as possible possessions and money, and then? Then you have all that your heart desires, AND THEN? Then you are still the same human with all your pathetic emotions and feelings and not to mention your no longer hide-able fears. WHAT THEN?

When only a few own everything and all the others have to obey you, it’s probably nice for a while. Just playing around with your foot sweeps and having this feeling of increasing power almost as a life elixer. The only thing is, in the face of your increasing feeling of power there is this increasing feeling of fear. Fear is capable of eating you up from the inside till you are an empty clamshell. Empty shells do not rule the world they die of an heart attack when least expected and diminish. The consequences though are for a lot of people within the physical who you leave behind, crippled and in hunger because you wanted it all. Isn’t this what we all secretly strife for to have it all for ourselves, we want our daddy for ourselves, our house, our car, our possessions, our country only for the people that are entitled to live in it, our world all for ourselves to pollute and abuse till we are all empty shells. Funny isn’t it, we all strife for the same thing yet it doesn’t bring us together it only separates us more. We can not all get this one thing so most of us end up disappointed in life and blame it on the others.

It doesn’t have to be this way, we can all have, so we do not end up disappointed in life. Simply by sharing and not wanting to manipulate the others to gain power over them. When you can share you with yourself you can share also yourself with others and suddenly borders and personal property isn’t that important anymore. If we don’t have to fear if we have money to sustain ourselves, we can share. If we don’t have to fear that others come and take our money we can be free of fear. There is no need to reach the ultimate form of power all for yourself if you instead can share this power and build an society that lives beyond fears, where everybody is sustained and can be a responsible member of society, a real asset.

Do you want to learn how to become this asset to society equal to all the others, then study the Equal Money System and see for yourself if you can be a vote for world equality. No one wants a daddy with blood on his hands for no reason at all.