Sylvia's writing to freedom

Cheese 30/12/2010

While I was figuring out which topic to use for my blog tonight, after eating a pizza with cheese, I decided to write about my reaction to cows cheese. In that same moment while taking this decision, I (or better said my mind) for a moment saw the topic cheese as something inferior to all other topics, whatever those may be. It was in a flash and I do not really recall if it were words or images in which my ego spoke to me, but the bottom line was that I could do better than writing about cheese. Just in this fraction of a second I could decide to participate within my ego, but I rather choose not. I saw the deception, dishonesty in tricking me in specialness, fear of not writing good enough and all that would be triggered by this specialness and fear for inferiority.

In fact I was doubting between 2 topics, cheese and more about sexuality since it’s a “hot” subject right now for me. I decided to leave the sexuality point for a moment to not feed it and make it more special, all points in process are equally relevant. So I wil start with cheese, it’s a point from my diet series that needs its follow up.

I had a pizza tonight with cheese, right now this is the only dish in wich I still eat cheese. Nevertheless the cheese gives me a lot of mucus after eating, for half an hour or so. So what represents cow cheese and what definition do I give to it?

The first word I muscle communicated is “bubble” . The bubble I’m living in, was my first association, the bubble that I call my reality. Then I tested the following phrase: ” Well, frustrated or not, I still ask myself how heaven can really be here, when I really do not experience it.” This sentence combined with the bubble does makes sense to me. I’m in a way frustrated with the state the current world is in and since I do not see any form of heaven on earth I prefer to stay within my bubble. To stay safe and secure from the outside world. Not seeing that I am the outside world, so I’m hiding for myself within my bubble. My biggest fear is my mind which is me as long as I participate within it. Going against it is only challenging the ego. The ego that knows me best of all, which button to push to get me down on my knees. I WILL NOT OBEY YOU, EGO, I WILL NOT. I WILL STAND UP EVEN IF IT’S AGAINST MY PRE-PROGRAMMING. So I basically hide from something I cannot hide from, it’s part of me. The only way to get rid of my mind/ego is by not participating in it’s evil thoughts/emotions/feelings. In a way I fear myself, I do not trust myself to not participate within my mind/ego. Which makes it impossible to not fear others and to trust others. So it comes all down on what process comes down at, stopping the mind/ego.

That will be  at least the next 7 years no cows cheese if I’m not willing to physically react. I probably will keep on eating my pizza with cheese, in that case that will be my point of measuring how I’m doing as far as I not already do know where I’m at when further in process.

Okay that’s it for now, lots to consider. I will never say again that one topic is less or more than the other. They’re all equal and therefore equally to be resolved. So eat your heart out ego!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with the way my current world is in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay within my bubble since I do not see heaven on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay within my bubble out of fear for my outside world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m safe within my bubble, instead of seeing that the real threat is coming from inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not part of my outside world a world that frustrates me and disgust me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can hide from myself within my bubble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind for what it’s capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within my mind which I know is the source of the mess I’m in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself which is basically not possible, but a believe I hold on to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust myself to stand stable when the mind/ego is challenging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust others due to the lack of trust and fear in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still participate within the mind and not yet stopping it.

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The potato 12/12/2010

Today I investigated one of the foods that is giving me a lot of mucus recently and that’s the potato. I’ve been avoiding eating it, but in order to try it again I need to find out what definition I am giving to the potato. So I can forgive myself and apply corrective statements and live accordingly.

I muscle communicated the word typical and than typical Italian. I do not see the potato as typical Italian, so I need to search a bit more. I tested a book and found: I do think so. Okay does this mean that the potato is typical Italian? Yes. There are a lot of dishes with potatoes that’s for sure, but pasta is more typical I would say. Although gnocchi is a pasta and made out of potato. I really need more on this subject, it isn’t really making any sense. I tested again and one of the points is that I don’t see the potato as typical Italian. Jubilant is the feeling that tested out as next point. through the dictionary I came to the words “wild shout”. I have no idea. Than a book tested the following sentence: even if all that I said was “wrong”, do you know a better way to live? The information is vast, I will pause for a moment and do some breathing and concentration.

Okay I started again and tested for the feeling: protective. Protective in the sense of tending to protect, but to protect what? Lets see, since I started of with an opinion “the potato isn’t typical Italian”, could it be that I tend to protect my opinions? It tested out for yes. Than I figured it was protecting my opinion in a general way, but I found out that in this case it had only to do with my opinion about the potato.

I’m protective of my opinion out of the fear of being unworthy and that makes me feel oppress. I feel the oppression right now and I have a lot of mucus too. So I feel unworthy, me as a person, and I’ll compensate this with having an opinion. The opinion I’ll use to  give me value, so looking for self validation out side of me, outside of me through my own created opinions. Even if all that I said was “wrong”, do you know a better way to live? This is me asking myself this question. This potato opinion was “wrong” and yes I do know a better way to live. To live without fear and not searching for self validation outside of me through self created opinions. I will live if I let go of this opinion and I will still be me worthy of life when I choose life instead of dishonesty. So I need to be the directive principle again within this point, my Self is “wild shouting” to let me see that I need to be the directive principle of me. Only then I can grow in self-honesty and freely live. There is no need to freeze up within this opinion I just need to let go. I just now felt my muscles being tense and my body being inflexibel, wow what a resistance over holding on to an opinion.

Every day again I witness how I hold on to so many irrelevant issues with so much persistence. How silly and how surrealistic, but this is what holds every human in a grip. This inflexibility which no one exactly understands though feels and acts upon not knowing why. We all equally need to let go of this madness in order to sort out our world. This is obvious something that will take a while for everybody to see. I’m silent, I can take care of this one. I can take care of the next point, but I can’t take care of the points of others even though I can see that their points need equally as mine to be addressed. I will continue even with points that seem irrelevant when I look at a bigger picture as our current world, but every human being’s reflection in this world adds up to the mess we are in…

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to protect my opinion about the potato even though I know it’s wrong.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being unworthy, an unreal experience which makes me oppressed and gives me a lot of mucus.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that having this potato opinion will give me self worth, makes me somebody.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to search for self validation outside myself within opinions that aren’t real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to choose for dishonesty and to live within a lie.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard the “wild shout” of Self and kept on living within a lie.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manifest physically this holding on to this opinion.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be inflexibel and persistant within this fear of unworthiness.

 

Choking in a peanut had nothing to do with it 10/11/2010

Since 2 or 3 weeks now I have this dry cough, that’s making my throat itchy and makes me cough even more. From all the coughing I start having a sensitive throat and at the same time my ears start to hurt or more the duct that connects my ears and throat. After so much coughing my stomach got really upset and my food comes up after a lot of coughing, this gives me gastric acid that burns in my gullet and again pain in the duct between my throat and ears. After a week or so my sinus produced lots of mucus which drips in my throat and is really sticky to swallow, so I have to cough more to get rid of it and than the whole cycle of symptoms start again. I never use medicines for these kind of disorders. Although yesterday I bought some tablets for my throat, when my son J. saw the package he was surprised. “I thought you didn’t use medicines?”: he said. I justified it with, these are just tablets no real medicines. Of course the tablets are not healing, I just wanted to do something about my condition. I should have bought a package with self responsibility, but I haven’t seen that at the pharmacy.

Today it was less intens, sometimes I wasn’t even able to speak with all the mucus on my vocal cords. Anyways I’m fed up with it. I do recall that since we live here in Italy I have this disorder every winter or at the end of autumn. I noticed that when it started I was almost at ease with it, because that’s how it has been the past few years. Illness isn’t something to be at ease with, it is telling me something. BUT WHAT?

When illness/a disorder occurs it says first of all that I’m not stable within.That’s not a big surprise, I ‘m in the middle of my process or rather at the beginning. Am I creating this disorder for some purpose? There must be some underlining point that wants to communicate with me through this disorder. For a moment I couldn’t come up with the last sentence, my mind completely blocked it, as I already knew within my mind what to  write. Interesting though. I also had moments when I come to think of it when the mucus was so sticky that I couldn’t swallow it. I couldn’t because I couldn’t make this reflex of swallowing, just stuck within the action. A bit freaky, because it feels like holding your breath too long. But breath takes me through these moments.There’s a memory that pops up in my mind.

I was about 8 years old and had been eaten peanuts. My mom always said:”You can eat peanuts, but you have to sit down otherwise you might choke in it”. I had been running around with my little brother and than I felt a peanut slipping into my air pipe. I had been coughing and I could act as normal afterwards except for this feeling that continued. I kept on feeling the peanut in my air pipe, I was too afraid to communicate this with my parents, because they had warned me before it happend. This feeling of the peanut being stuck in my air pipe didn’t go away for a few weeks. I had fear to sleep and thinking I would never wake up again. I couldn’t eat properly, because I thought this peanut was making my throat smaller. I sieved al my food through my teeth and it took ages to finish eating. One day this issue wasn’t there anymore and I continued my life as normal. I muscle tested if this story had anything to do with my current disorder and I tested out for no.

I tested for a word in the dictionary that could explain my underlining condition, I tested out for the word; extend. The fear for extending. To be or become extended; stretch out in various or all directions. So it’s the stretching out I’m doing by participating within Desteni and earlier on the immigration. I’m doing or are about to do things I had never considered before. It’s the fear for the unknown and the fear for losing control over the unknown. Which is absurd, to fear something I am not even aware of yet.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manifest this point into the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind to create this manifestation within the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear extending.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to keep myself limited by not daring to extend.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear stretching out in various or all directions.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to keep myself imprisoned within the believes and ideas I did have about myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things I never had considered to do.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear thinking out of the box and act accordingly to it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that all that is unknown is something to be afraid of.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose control over the unknown.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that losing control over the unknown will make me disappear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear something that isn’t yet in the here and now.

I realise that I’ve been participating within a pattern of fear, the fear for the unknown. I stop, I breathe. Whenever I feel overwhelmed with future projections based on no experienced information, I will slow down and breathe. I will take life step by step in every moment and breath so I will be capable of directing myself here in the physical. To avoid any physical outflows of not taking self responsibility.