Sylvia's writing to freedom

The disciples of Jehovah gave me a headache 20/01/2011

This afternoon I had all of a sudden this severe headache coming up. It was a pain that was moving through the front of my head and face. I wanted to do my Italian homework, but I wasn’t capable of doing so. Reading aggravated my headache so I stopped and started baking cookies and little apple breads for the kids to take to school. The headache faded some what away, but kept coming back. I decided to investigate tonight while writing my blog what my body is communicating with me. This in itself is a point of progress, a few years ago I would have brushed it of with the simple fact that a lot of people have headaches over the last week.

 

My day started of as an ordinary day. I began cleaning my house as usual on Wednesday. Half way the morning 2 clients came over, who were supposed to come over last week. My 2 Jehovah Witness clients who do not visit as frequently at my house as before, when they found out that I was hard to convert into their belief. I had never intentions in that direction, but they had faith. They became more compelling every time we met, at a sudden point they bought me even a Dutch bible. I gave them 1 finger for the simple reason that also I had a message to share. At first I only said those things that were not too confronting and obvious common sense for most people. For me this communication was enough and satisfying, but they kept asking about my perspective on life and there my ego took the bate.

 

For quite some time they hadn’t been around and I saw that as a confirmation of my idea that I only was an object of interest when they felt I could be converted. Today they asked me to make a dress for one of them, I shall call her R. All went well and they didn’t speak about their faith. Then when I walked them to the front door R. asked me if I still was using the bible she “gave” me. I said no, please take it with you. This was a point of manipulation of her and I didn’t see that clear. This opened up an opportunity for them to speak about their faith.

 

The other lady F. reminded me of something I had said weeks ago to one of their colleague’s who came along with R. Jehovah’s are really good in taking things out of context and that’s what she did. She blamed me for telling this lady that she is an selfish person for loving her son. In reality I had said within a long conversation that giving love to her son which made her happy and giving her a reason to exist was an act of egoism, as an addiction to energy. At that point I let myself be sucked into their abusive behaviour by reacting on F. her accusation, I was frustrated by the fact that they weren’t able to see how they were abusing their selves and the people around them.

 

We ended up in a conversation in which F. showed her true face and did a lot of projecting. When she saw that I didn’t react with emotions and feelings to her she got really mad and evil. She tried intentionally to hurt me with her specific words. Accusing me of being cold for not being able to give love the way she did and trying to scare me with the fact that the village saw me as a lunatic. I turned her accusations into questions and asked those to her which made her loose herself completely. At that point I couldn’t care less, I was devastated about the demon face she showed me although it didn’t give me any feelings nor emotions at that time.

 

When they left I recorded myself and told the story of what just happend, I wanted to share this story before my mind was going to turn it over and over. Tomorrow I will make a video out of it.

 

So tonight I muscle communicated if the headache had something to do with this event and I tested for yes. The headache is showing me the frustrations I hold onto when I explain words like love to these ladies and they are simply not listening. All examples and questions which show them in common sense that their love is love in reverse its evil. I was already done with these ladies, but just a little bit of ego took me back to this point of frustration where I already had been. I was time looping and I need to stop it right here and right now.

 

I also tested out with muscle communication that I have this belief or idea that I see their life’s as boring for the limitations they keep themselves in and I’m really grateful for my own life as in being in process. Not out of the point of feeling more, but out of the point to see that one can do something about life, one can stand up and one can free oneself from all those limitations that cause a tremendous amount of fears. Life is here in the physical and waiting for some God to rescue you is pathetic and making your life useless. I still have a long way to go, but I’m already grateful for this part.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a headache and not understanding what my body was communicating to me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea that the Jehovah’s were not coming around when they couldn’t convert me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let another manipulate me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Jehova’s are really good in taking things out of context.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react onto F. her accusations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be sucked into their abusive behaviour.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated about the fact that these Jehovah’s do not see that infact they are abusing instead of loving.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care if F. was completely loosing it, instead of searching for a way that’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel no emotions and feelings in that moment, but later while processing the event I did.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego lead me back into this point of frustration and made me time loop.

 

 

 

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I should laugh about it 11/01/2011

I woke up this morning with a feeling of anxiety and I couldn’t trace what it was about. After breakfast I still had this feeling but less than before, then my partner P. discovered a response e-mail from his brother on his response e-mail from yesterday on which we wrote a blog yesterday. To be brief I can summarize the whole e-mail in two words: dishonesty and bullshit. I do experience my brother-in-law already for years according to these two words. Maybe I’m expressing myself strongly and do I need to leave some space open for common sense. Although when some one contradicts oneself quite a lot and says things like: I understand equality but why do you guys while living in the mountains in central Italy in a small village care about the third world? In such a moment my bullshitters alarm goes off.

Then I had a conflict with my serger, when I’m in conflict with my serger then there are underlying issues. Also here I hadn’t really a clue other then maybe feeling some frustration related to the e-mail.

Just before lunch I went for a walk upon the mountain just behind my house to make a second video about Freedom. Yesterday we taped it and the camera only had two pieces film on the camera when we downloaded it onto my computer. Today I made 5 short pieces of video, when I make it longer than 9 minutes my editing program has difficulties. Since I do not want to watch on a clock the whole time I only tape short footage to avoid this problem. When I returned and connected the camera to my computer I only had 3 pieces of film and they were all test recordings. So again no footage to finish my video. I decided to tape it with my webcam inside the house and simply finish it. I uploaded the quicktime movie on You Tube and all went well except for the processing part. The whole thing was hanging, so I deleted the video and did it again. With succes this time.

My chat with Esteni tonight had no disconnections or technical problems, so lucky enough no manifestations all the way up to South Africa.

A hour ago I baked cookies and I forgot to put the temperature on 175 degrees Celsius and set it on 225 instead. I can tell you one thing, these cookies are crispy.

Throughout the whole day I had technical problems and wasn’t able to find the source of these impractical problems. So I tested with muscle communication in one of my books: “That’s the problem with the truth. The truth is ruthless. She won’t let go. It creeps up on all sides and shows you what reality is. That can be annoying.” This does makes sense, but what truth is creeping upon me? So the next sentence I tested is:

“Am I one of them?” I tested for Desteni, as my in-laws, bullshitters etc. and all tested negative. So I searched further and found the following: ” You can’t know, and become, what you are when that what you aren’t is missing.” So what’s missing then? I’m not a whole I live in separation, something like that? Yes, in separation with my world. This is interesting, because separation can be found in so many areas. Ok lets pick one that’s really prominent for today. I tested for sense of humor, I do not use enough humor and see most things too serious. As in being one of them reverse to  too serious people. In that way I do not allow myself to have a break and release some tension. So by not using much humor lately I’m separating me from myself and therefore I can not know and become what I am. I should have laughed about all these manifestations of myself and not take it so serious that I let it frustrate me. I was only pointing out to myself that the “truth” will always knock on my door. It isn’t more or less then that, just me communicating with myself. Instead of communicating, I went into this serious and painful split, that’s funny when I come to think of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and not knowing where it came from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my brother-in-law according to his e-mail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into conflict with my serger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with the camera for not functioning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with You Tube for not smoothly processing my video.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for wanting to do a lot of things quickly and burning the cookies within this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see live too serious always and not allow any break to release some tension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respond to myself while communicating with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in separation due to being too serious and not seeing my world for what it simply is.

 

I can’t stand my physical body for showing me reality and the truth about myself 03/01/2011

A few hours ago a felt a little pimple on my cheek, at least I thought I felt a pimple. So I decided to look into it later to see what kind of anger or frustration I was holding inside me. When I touched it again some time later I wasn’t sure if it was a pimple. It is situated on the spot where I had twice shingles, I just recovered from the last episode.

I felt an energy charge within my body and my mind started to speak to me. What if it is shingles again and I allowed myself to feel sick in my stomach only from the thought. The fear accumulated and I let my partner P. and later my daughter A. look at it and they both said that it didn’t look like a pimple. I was mad, mad for going along with this energy charge and mad on the fact that I might have again shingles at more or less the same spot. The fear accumulated even more, what if I have a weird disease that’s causing me to have shingles over and over again? What is wrong with my immune system? What is it that I haven’t seen yet that’s causing this? Why do I believe the voice in my head?

What have I overlooked the last two times, what do I still have to work on? What energy is still within me?

“Heaven” is the word that tested out with muscle communication and to clarify that the following sentence: “Approval and pretense rarely go together with inner decisions.” In another session I tested that my shingles was about not standing up or speaking out, so I internally haven’t fully committed yet to stand up for myself as life. My actions were according to standing up as life for all, but it wasn’t backed up yet with a 100% inner decision. So I asked myself what was withholding me from not going for the full 100% and I tested that I fear to die in order to rebirth myself as the physical. The dying is the dead of the ego, okay so I’m still not willing to give up ego. I still believe what the mind tells me about myself, who I believe I am. Things like: I’m a good person, I’m able to listen to others, I care for others, I’m creative etc. So every time I’ll believe myself to be a certain way I wil stop and slow down, I will breathe and remain here in the physical. This is heavy, but it’s not that I considered myself already free of ego, no not at all. So a lot of work, but not different from the moment before I started writing this blog. I’m determined now again by the fact that the ego is sneaky and can’t be trusted and I have to be more careful and aware. To understand what the mind is up to before it attacks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I had a pimple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the spot was a pimple and not being aware of the energy the mind was accumulating in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel physically sick by the thought of having shingles again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at myself for going along with this fear energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mad at my body for possibly producing shingles again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at my physical body for showing me reality and the truth about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a weird disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my immune system is deficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what is causing the shingles every time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself as life with a 100% inner decision backing this up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to die and rebirth myself as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dead of my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the things my mind tells me about myself in relation to my identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being careful and aware when it comes to the actions of the mind/ego.

 

Pain in my upper neck, left side 29/12/2010

I’ve been struggling with sexuality lately and also experiencing pain in my upper neck, left side. First I blamed it on my headphone, this one is bigger than the ear plugs I had before. Every time as I was working on my writings or SRA I experienced this pain. Although I didn’t see much common sense in the explanation of the head phones, I left the point for what it was. Till tonight, I reacted on the pain with irritation. This pain gave me the experience of my head that became heavier and heavier and almost impossible to carry. The pain tired me and I decided to look it up in Veno’s Structural Resonance works. Not really a surprise to see what it stands for: the sex system. While looking this up my left jaw became painful as well. I also looked up what this jaw pain was representing; the courage to speak up. So that’s basically what I have here in this moment to work with, let’s see where to start from here.

By suppressing my sexuality I’ve been suppressing my sex system. Yesterday and the day before I worked through a part of my shame of my sexuality/fantasies/thoughts. I realise that these fantasies and thoughts are not me, but my pre-programming. There is no need to have emotions about my pre-programming/my ego, that’s only feeding the beast. After entering the process of letting go of this shame I started to experience arousal again. Certain movements or body postures re-activated my sexual system. As much as the shame isn’t me the arousal isn’t either. Suppressing as I experienced it, is not the answer to not participating in these emotions/feelings /thoughts. The answer might be to not suppress or participate within this sexual arousal, but instead diffusing it to a neutral point. In that case it won’t be something special or something to be ashamed of. In fact not participating is recognizing what is here in the moment and seeing it for what it is, nothing more and nothing less. Okay that’s clear, that makes sense.

Then there is the jaw pain which represents the courage to speak up. I muscle communicated that point and I came out on speaking up for my body, to keep my physical healthy. In order to do that I cannot participate within emotions/feelings/thoughts, those have each of them always physical outflows/consequences. Sex or better said arousal/lust that makes me desire sex, is the outflow of wasted energy that wants to be unloaded/released. Once that’s been build up and held within my system it will follow it’s way to another outlet and that’s not a desirable situation. Therefore I need to recognize and accept my physical body since it’s the only real thing here in my existence that’s keeping me here in the physical. It’s only one life and one body to do what needs to be done.

I can see that these pains have assisted me to search a bit deeper and in another direction to see what I’ve been participating in. Now I can forgive myself and apply the corrections accordingly within my day to day life.

While I’m searching for a picture  to add to this blog I came across a picture of a pillow. Suddenly I remembered that I knew this pain in my upper neck. I’ve had it for several years as a matter a fact when this sexuality problem was current. I needed a new pillow, because the old one had to be replaced. It was an almost impossible search for the right pillow. I bought several pillows, but the pain kept returning. getting up with a upper neck pain isn’t fun. Though for so many years my body was communicating with me and I didn’t speak the same language…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my headphones for the pain I experienced in my upper neck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on the pain in my upper neck part with irritation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the pain tired me instead of taking responsibility and direct myself in the moment when I first experienced the pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my sexuality and therefore my sex system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel arousal and for a moment see it as myself instead of seeing it as a feeling of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts/memories around certain movements and body postures that caused arousal within my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my body as important enough to recognize and accept it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hear my body communicating with me.

 

Christmas ridicule 24/12/2010

Today I had a few times on which I felt this energy go around in my stomach and earlier this evening I was a bit oppressed. The feeling of being oppressed faded away within more or less 10 minutes. I did slow down and breathed through these moments. I had no specific thoughts prior both events or that is, I do not recall having specific thoughts.

With muscle communication I searched within myself and found a piece in a book that made me aware of what was unconscious bothering me.

“Approval and ostentation will never go together with inner decisions. Celebrations never surround the choices to follow your personal truth. In fact the opposite is often true. Others may not only fail to celebrate, they can also make you the subject of ridicule. What?  Do you think for yourself? Do you take your own decisions? You put your own border markers out, your own judgements, your own values? Who do you think you are?”

I had to read it a few times to see the connection between this text and my current situation. And then I saw the “light” the angels started singing oh hallelujah.

It’s Christmas eve and it’s all in the spirit of Christmas! How appropriate…

“Approval and ostentation will never go together with inner decisions”

It’s approval in the sense of validation and approval to belong to the rest of the world that celebrate Christmas. People try to persuade me to only celebrate this one day a year and say things like: “It won’t harm you to celebrate Christmas, don’t be so negative and bitter or famine will not be solved if you don’t celebrate Christmas.” It’s as if people like to trap me into this celebration and I know already for years that Christmas is more evil than anybody could suspect. So my inner decision is not to accept and allow Christmas within my world and that doesn’t go together with the urge of not being an out stander and different for not celebrating Christmas. This is all unconscious, I had no idea that I had this urge to be accepted in this way.

“Celebrations never surround the choices to follow your personal truth”.

Indeed celebrations are most of the time not voluntary even if we think they are. People celebrate, because that’s the way it is done and always was. When I started living on my own at the age of 19, I decided that this was the moment to stop celebrating my birthday with a party. Really odd for most people in my surroundings, but quite a few followed my example after recognizing what birthday parties really contained. I can see that all celebrations, religious ones and common ones, are done within dishonesty. Of not being faithful to myself or what I stand for. Most of the times I compromised myself through celebrating within the starting point of outside validation and wanting to belong.

“Others may not only fail to celebrate”

Indeed when I look at Christmas I see that almost everybody takes it as an excuse to go overboard with eating, spending and having a moment off. People who don’t follow the religious message behind Christmas do also celebrate it. People take it as an excuse to over eat and then complain about it and the spending of money on useless gifts is almost compulsive. It’s all about fitting in, being appreciated and this greedy feeling that it would not be fair if you could not celebrate Christmas.

“Make you the subject of ridicule”,

this is the most important reason for my discomfort today. I had no idea that the underlying thought was about ridicule, but when I look at myself and how my approach towards people has been especially today it’s just hitting the nail on the head. A few times today clients wished me merry Christmas and I didn’t really respond, so they didn’t questioning my way of celebrating Christmas. Now when I replay it again I see that I did feel dishonest of the fact that I didn’t share with them how I really think about Christmas. Others who wished me merry Christmas and afterwards asked me if I did celebrate it I simply replied with no. And there was one lady who asked if I did celebrate Christmas and I said no. Then she said:” Oh you’re having another religion? Or do Dutch people not celebrate Christmas?” I said: “Dutch people do celebrate Christmas only I don’t and yes I’m not a Catholic. ” Oh you have another religion”, she said. “I have no religion”, I said. “You’re an Atheist”, she said with a certain reassurance in her voice. “Nope I’m not a Atheist, because they have the faith of not believing”. “Who needs religion anyways”, I said. “We can take our own responsibility.” She looked at me in a unkempt way and she left. I was only being myself in this moment with my client, but yes she could ridicule me with this kind of information. I’m not really scared of it or feel fear of being seen as odd within the village. I already do as bald foreigner. So unconscious I do make a fuss about it, hhmmm.

“What?  Do you think for yourself? Do you take your own decisions? You put your own border markers out, your own judgements, your own values? Who do you think you are?”

Yes, this is also a hot item here, because by birth every Italian is Catholic. People here do envy me or us for not belonging to a religion. In fact they are judging themselves for not standing up and saying BASTA with religion. People here cannot make their own decisions, because family and church will show them the way. These people have their judgements and values according to the ones of the church and the pastor. Within this envy or jealousy people start ridiculing those who do stand up as life for all to reimburse their own actions. I’ve seen and experienced that already. People tend to go bad so that they can still feel good about themselves. Quite an interesting point I came about tonight, I’m really grateful for this one. No big brake through or anything, but just an insight.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to be ridiculed.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to be ridiculed while being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience that I’m an out stander and suppressing this feeling.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel dishonest about the fact that I didn’t share my point of view about celebrating Christmas.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe unconscious that belonging to the majority is the best and safest way to go.

 

The upper arm cyste, self denial 14/12/2010

Today I investigated the cyste on my underside of my upper arm it’s there already for 7 years. What kind of system within my system is this cyste representing?

 

Through muscle communication I tested out of a book the word self-denial. Immediately I got oppressed, when my eye got a glimpse of this word I felt a shock through my body. A feeling of ooh noo. I breathe and slow down, this reaction I need to investigate.

 

The self denial is connected to the word anxiety as in desiring. What am I desiring for where is this anxiety about? I tested the word serpent in the dictionary. The serpent refers to the anxiety, but what is the serpent standing for? The serpent is standing for love, love as love is portrait in our current world. So I’m searching for fake love within anxiety knowing that the love isn’t real, but it must fill the gap that my self denial has caused. I am not willing to face that I’m denying myself. This is also connected to the word unworthy/worthless that I’ve been working with. It also connects to the search for self validation outside of me that some times can be quite compulsive, feeling down when I get no outside stimuli for validation. The thing is that I now can see myself do these things I see the pattern, but it’s like an octopus, it has so many tentacles and is interconnecting at so many areas.

 

But why am I denying  myself in the first place? I tested the feeling nobleness and game through the dictionary out at the following: I’m judging myself as the lowest rank, so back again at not being worth anything.

 

And this strong physical reaction I had when I saw the word self denial, had that to do with the feeling of being exposed? Yes, it was me exposing myself in full awareness. Okay, it’s all not extremely new to me since I dealt already over the past few weeks with this topic. I need to do more self forgiveness on other areas as which I already worked with. In a way it’s cool and assisting to find every time a part of the puzzle.

 

I’m calm again and I can see the self denial for what it is. It’s here now in full awareness so now I can deal with what is here. Am I participating within the polarity of indifference and being fully aware? Yes, I’m indifferent about the fact that I do deny myself out of no self validation or self worth. I had to test this question in a slightly different way than the question I presented here. I asked if I was indifferent about the fact that I denied myself. With the first question I knew I was dishonest, I felt like I didn’t want to go to that part of me, but there is no such thing as not feeling like it. I’m my own directive principle and I direct myself in honesty and expose where ever I’m dishonest, no matter what.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be shocked about the word self denial, knowing that it had to show up sometime somewhere.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel being exposed and ashamed for it at the same time.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself unconditionally and not being completely self honest with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand one and equal to all, therefore I need to stand one and equal with myself first.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to validate myself as less and unworthy and therefore not fully accept myself and not giving myself unconditional support within self forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to love as it exist in our current world to fill this gap I feel inside within denying myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can find self validation outside myself, instead of knowing that I need to fully accept myself in order to be equal to me and all and that’s what love is about.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest within a session that stood for being self honest.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not feel like facing myself, that’s pure dishonesty and I will not allow that from myself. I’m my directive principle and that’s the only certainty that I have.

 

 

 

The potato 12/12/2010

Today I investigated one of the foods that is giving me a lot of mucus recently and that’s the potato. I’ve been avoiding eating it, but in order to try it again I need to find out what definition I am giving to the potato. So I can forgive myself and apply corrective statements and live accordingly.

I muscle communicated the word typical and than typical Italian. I do not see the potato as typical Italian, so I need to search a bit more. I tested a book and found: I do think so. Okay does this mean that the potato is typical Italian? Yes. There are a lot of dishes with potatoes that’s for sure, but pasta is more typical I would say. Although gnocchi is a pasta and made out of potato. I really need more on this subject, it isn’t really making any sense. I tested again and one of the points is that I don’t see the potato as typical Italian. Jubilant is the feeling that tested out as next point. through the dictionary I came to the words “wild shout”. I have no idea. Than a book tested the following sentence: even if all that I said was “wrong”, do you know a better way to live? The information is vast, I will pause for a moment and do some breathing and concentration.

Okay I started again and tested for the feeling: protective. Protective in the sense of tending to protect, but to protect what? Lets see, since I started of with an opinion “the potato isn’t typical Italian”, could it be that I tend to protect my opinions? It tested out for yes. Than I figured it was protecting my opinion in a general way, but I found out that in this case it had only to do with my opinion about the potato.

I’m protective of my opinion out of the fear of being unworthy and that makes me feel oppress. I feel the oppression right now and I have a lot of mucus too. So I feel unworthy, me as a person, and I’ll compensate this with having an opinion. The opinion I’ll use to  give me value, so looking for self validation out side of me, outside of me through my own created opinions. Even if all that I said was “wrong”, do you know a better way to live? This is me asking myself this question. This potato opinion was “wrong” and yes I do know a better way to live. To live without fear and not searching for self validation outside of me through self created opinions. I will live if I let go of this opinion and I will still be me worthy of life when I choose life instead of dishonesty. So I need to be the directive principle again within this point, my Self is “wild shouting” to let me see that I need to be the directive principle of me. Only then I can grow in self-honesty and freely live. There is no need to freeze up within this opinion I just need to let go. I just now felt my muscles being tense and my body being inflexibel, wow what a resistance over holding on to an opinion.

Every day again I witness how I hold on to so many irrelevant issues with so much persistence. How silly and how surrealistic, but this is what holds every human in a grip. This inflexibility which no one exactly understands though feels and acts upon not knowing why. We all equally need to let go of this madness in order to sort out our world. This is obvious something that will take a while for everybody to see. I’m silent, I can take care of this one. I can take care of the next point, but I can’t take care of the points of others even though I can see that their points need equally as mine to be addressed. I will continue even with points that seem irrelevant when I look at a bigger picture as our current world, but every human being’s reflection in this world adds up to the mess we are in…

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to protect my opinion about the potato even though I know it’s wrong.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being unworthy, an unreal experience which makes me oppressed and gives me a lot of mucus.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that having this potato opinion will give me self worth, makes me somebody.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to search for self validation outside myself within opinions that aren’t real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to choose for dishonesty and to live within a lie.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard the “wild shout” of Self and kept on living within a lie.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manifest physically this holding on to this opinion.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be inflexibel and persistant within this fear of unworthiness.