Sylvia's writing to freedom

Cheese 30/12/2010

While I was figuring out which topic to use for my blog tonight, after eating a pizza with cheese, I decided to write about my reaction to cows cheese. In that same moment while taking this decision, I (or better said my mind) for a moment saw the topic cheese as something inferior to all other topics, whatever those may be. It was in a flash and I do not really recall if it were words or images in which my ego spoke to me, but the bottom line was that I could do better than writing about cheese. Just in this fraction of a second I could decide to participate within my ego, but I rather choose not. I saw the deception, dishonesty in tricking me in specialness, fear of not writing good enough and all that would be triggered by this specialness and fear for inferiority.

In fact I was doubting between 2 topics, cheese and more about sexuality since it’s a “hot” subject right now for me. I decided to leave the sexuality point for a moment to not feed it and make it more special, all points in process are equally relevant. So I wil start with cheese, it’s a point from my diet series that needs its follow up.

I had a pizza tonight with cheese, right now this is the only dish in wich I still eat cheese. Nevertheless the cheese gives me a lot of mucus after eating, for half an hour or so. So what represents cow cheese and what definition do I give to it?

The first word I muscle communicated is “bubble” . The bubble I’m living in, was my first association, the bubble that I call my reality. Then I tested the following phrase: ” Well, frustrated or not, I still ask myself how heaven can really be here, when I really do not experience it.” This sentence combined with the bubble does makes sense to me. I’m in a way frustrated with the state the current world is in and since I do not see any form of heaven on earth I prefer to stay within my bubble. To stay safe and secure from the outside world. Not seeing that I am the outside world, so I’m hiding for myself within my bubble. My biggest fear is my mind which is me as long as I participate within it. Going against it is only challenging the ego. The ego that knows me best of all, which button to push to get me down on my knees. I WILL NOT OBEY YOU, EGO, I WILL NOT. I WILL STAND UP EVEN IF IT’S AGAINST MY PRE-PROGRAMMING. So I basically hide from something I cannot hide from, it’s part of me. The only way to get rid of my mind/ego is by not participating in it’s evil thoughts/emotions/feelings. In a way I fear myself, I do not trust myself to not participate within my mind/ego. Which makes it impossible to not fear others and to trust others. So it comes all down on what process comes down at, stopping the mind/ego.

That will be  at least the next 7 years no cows cheese if I’m not willing to physically react. I probably will keep on eating my pizza with cheese, in that case that will be my point of measuring how I’m doing as far as I not already do know where I’m at when further in process.

Okay that’s it for now, lots to consider. I will never say again that one topic is less or more than the other. They’re all equal and therefore equally to be resolved. So eat your heart out ego!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with the way my current world is in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay within my bubble since I do not see heaven on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay within my bubble out of fear for my outside world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m safe within my bubble, instead of seeing that the real threat is coming from inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not part of my outside world a world that frustrates me and disgust me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can hide from myself within my bubble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind for what it’s capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within my mind which I know is the source of the mess I’m in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself which is basically not possible, but a believe I hold on to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust myself to stand stable when the mind/ego is challenging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust others due to the lack of trust and fear in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still participate within the mind and not yet stopping it.

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Dinner party, cook to impress 11/12/2010

Today I felt quite tired or more like drained. It was the first cold day after several warm days and already after the alarm clock went off this morning I felt the desire to stay in bed forever. Of course I got up, but blamed the cold weather for my lazy start. I did the things I had to do and made a video. I didn’t edit it with the same attention I normally do. Just a bleeeeh day and a day on which I wasn’t able to keep warm, I sat a lot in front of the stove. Sitting and not even disappearing within my mind, just drained.

Just bleeeeh days do not exist. It’s simply a day, whatever color I give it is my interpretation of my feelings and emotions projected onto that day. So I had to ask myself: what feelings and energy are going around within my physical body? I felt commotion, unstableness, but very vast to be able to grasp. I muscle communicated if it had anything to do with the dinner party of yesterday and I tested for yes. Than I took myself way back within my memory. When we lived in Holland I did a lot of dinner parties for family and friends. I loved to show off/impress with all kind of complicated recipes. Mostly it were at least 6 course meals, for my dads birthday we did 10 to 13 courses and finished deep at night. I didn’t question myself back than as I do now. Looking back I can see that it was a boost for my ego and my self worth, till the point that I thought that people were expecting good and complicated food when they ate at my place. So all about searching self worth outside myself and feeling a victim for always having to cook. Also this feeling of being the victim gave me attention in a way and was feeding my self worth and ego.

For the dinner party yesterday, while making a shopping list I felt that I took myself into a state I knew already. Energy in the form of excitement. I didn’t know what to cook at all. This dinner party was a request, my partner P. had done job interviews for a possible part time job with the possibility of a full time job. Since he’s out of a job this was since months a nice prospect. They had to do a final interview and his new bosses/collegues asked if they could come over for dinner and discuss things over dinner. Don’t make something special just get some pizza’s and we’re happy, they said. People who do have money mostly cannot imagine that there are people with a budget so tied that ordering pizza for 6 is out of their reach. So I prepared a home cooked meal with lots of things that people had given to us, knowing the situation. So the shopping list was within reason. When these men said: “Don’t make something special”, something inside me switched and I went on automated pilot or in other words, I was locked into an old pattern.

I settled for puff pastry filled with vegetables, home made ravioli filled with pumpkin and potatoes, fish on a bed of vegetables cooked in aluminum foil, ice cream and espresso to finish it off. I didn’t overdo myself, but I was cooking to impress. Though this time it had nothing to do with feeding my ego and self worth. It was just of a calculated nature, I wanted to set the right ambiance. I was manipulating my reality in the best interest of me. I did succeed in making a relaxed ambiance and P. got the job, although it will not be paying much in the beginning, we don’t have the luxury to not take a job when it’s presented to us. P. is really enthusiastic about this one, he will be functioning equal to the two founders of this firm and using his languages and his computer skills.

So I was sucked into  an old pattern with this event and it felt the same as years ago, although my starting point was slightly different this time it was still acting out of dishonesty. I didn’t had these highs while preparing the food like I used to have, already projecting expectations into the future. After doing dinner parties in the past I was the following day or days always broken/drained, because it was one big energy pageant I played in. Okay, at least I know now when and where to be aware so I can correct myself whenever it occurs again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I wanted to stay in bed so that this feeling of uncomfort would go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to boost my ego and believe my ego to be me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self worth is something that needs to be stimulated by outside stimuli.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the role of victim while it was just another attempt to gain attention and therefore to boost my ego and to value myself as more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this trigger point ( don’t make something special) and let myself be locked into this pattern of seeking purpose/life goals outside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel challenged by the words “don’t make something special” to do and be more, competing with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to please others so that they will please me back in return to feel valuate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my reality in the best interest of me instead of the best interest of all.