Sylvia's writing to freedom

2012 re-defining words: How I allowed the word WEAK to make me WEAK 08/04/2012

When finishing my last Mind Construct of a series of mc’s within my Desteni I Process, I found myself stuck at the part of word re-definitions. I hadn’t realised how much I allowed these, at first sight, innocent words to have an impact on me. Behind these words was hidden a whole universum of entangled emotions and feelings, hidden from my conscious daily living. While after taking a closer look these words had/have a tremendous  influence on my daily life. The word weak was the last hiccup I had within my mc and within this blog I will show the road that I traveled while working with the word WEAK.

First of all I came to the realisation that the word WEAK, as an English word, had made far more impact on me than the Dutch equivalent when I’m speaking my mother tongue. When I hear the word WEAK in English I even feel a physical sensation/reaction to the word WEAK. When I have a look at the 2 different languages, Dutch and English,  I can see that English is the language of the ego. Which means that I’m activating ego points within me when using, hearing or writing the word WEAK. That doesn’t sound to weird in a way, since Weak is the other end of the polarity of STRONG, it’s participating within comparison when using or experiencing myself within the word WEAK. Comparison is of the ego, since we always want to be at the better end of the equation. So was I, whenever I was dealing with WEAK I was fighting to become STRONG. Therefore my relationship with WEAK has been one of fighting against the fear to become WEAK or to be seen as WEAK.

I always wanted to experience myself as STRONG, even as a child, WEAK within the society I grew up in was considered as a bad, not a desirable state of being. I was born at the end of the 1960’s, where in the seventies the women movements, the Hippie days, were showing us women that we had the power. Girl Power another belief that replaced the role women had thus far, because within a society where no one yet believed in Girl Power and the equality of men and women it’s merely a belief/desire that women are STRONG or even stronger than men. The whole concept of STRONG and WEAK totally polarized, what made many women disorientated within a lack of understanding of who they were. One can feel STRONG and say, I am STRONG, while licking the asses of the men, but does that make someone strong as in stable? Society didn’t give women the same rights, simply because women didn’t live the word STRONG, they used it in their fight to get rid of this nasty feeling of being stigmatized as WEAK.

How many times have we as women not ridiculed men for not being capable to give birth to a child, in our perspective men wouldn’t be STRONG enough to bear the pain and to fulfill 9 months of discomfort. The question is, do we really know whether men are too WEAK to give birth to a child? No of course we do not know that and it even doesn’t matter. It’s simply another game to fight within the polarity of STRONG and WEAK. Then going from the Hippie era to the eighties and nineties we as women discovered that sex was the real power we had. When we were sexually attractive to men, seen through our own eyes charged with societies slogans, then we would be STRONG and in control over our own life. Are we? Looking at where this belief lead us, up in 2012 where our total world is sexualized out of one desire: profit. Are we women the STRONG ones? Did we win the battle we started many years ago? Or are we still experiencing ourselves as WEAK and dressing it up as STRONG? I for sure am.

Throughout my life I have been impulsed by this polarity of STRONG and WEAK and I’ve been acting upon it. As a child I saw my mom in the role of a housewife pleasing my dad to gain self-worth and I decided to do it differently. When I had to choose school directions for a future career, as a teenager, I aimed at being a doctor and saw being a nurse, what was more within my reach, as a typical female job. To me it was less then a doctor, confirmed by the roles within society for women and the embodiment of WEAKNESS. I ended up in art school and was within the profession of an artist too WEAK to earn enough to make a decent living. My dad advised me to seek for a rich man, so again my WEAKNESS was confirmed and I had to search for a STRONG rich man to rescue me from myself and my self made choices. The rich man I’ve never  found and I switched career plans and studied social work. Within my marriage I ended up being a housewife when I had my kids and enjoyed being at home with my kids, though in the back ground I had this belief running that I had maneuvered myself within a WEAK position. I didn’t make my own money and therefore I was within my marriage at the WEAK end of the polarity. So that added another point on to the perception of being WEAK, money.

Over the last few years of my life money has been a big issue, or better said the lack of money. I experienced/perceived myself as WEAK within society without having a job and enough money to make a living. On top of that my body started having numerous of problems, due to poor food and poor housing. I became a little bit more grey, my skin  started wrinkling, it’s called aging, though I perceived it as WEAK. My body was weakening and I saw it as giving up on me. Due to aging the point of no longer feeling sexually attractive has a whole other starting point than when I was in my twenties. Within common sense these wouldn’t be issues to make myself feel WEAK, but within ego as in comparison, I saw that I was doing far more less than the people around me who I perceived as STRONG. At this point I had sunk into my own created shit a little bit too deep, so fighting WEAK in order to become STRONG wasn’t the way to walk this.

My partner and I walked the money point backwards to see how and why we had created the point where we were at right now. It was our desire to be STRONG and independent from society that made us separate from that very society. Society on it’s turn bite us in the ass, since we were playing the polarity of WEAK and STRONG. In order to free ourselves from this polarity within the money point, we simply had to break the separation point and go back and participate within society again. It’s a long way to go, but we are doing okay. My partner has a nice job again and we will be able to stabilize our financial situation within the coming years. We practically walked our consequences within the physical to dissolve all the noise as emotions/feelings/fears that had us brought into a scary non desirable position within society.

While my partner has his new job in the Netherlands and I am in Italy with our 2 kids, the whole household that was created around 2 people has been placed on my plate. I’m running the household almost 4 months on my own now and I’m getting physically weaker. I never had split the wood or dug myself twice out of 2 meter of snow, I basically never did the most heavy tasks around the house, simply because I couldn’t handle it physically. Now together with my kids I’m doing all of these tasks and my left arm started to protest after a month or so. I figured it was just a normal muscle ache and I kept using it to not let it become rigid. Though the pain became only more severe and now it is like I have a constant muscle ache whether I use my arm/hand or not. The strength in my arm/hand has reduced immensely. I decided not to see a doctor due to the costs and having a daughter that really needed medical attention when she got diagnosed with Hyper-mobility. Which hasn’t been a cool choice to suppress my own needs out of lack of money. So again I find myself within the polarity of WEAK and STRONG. I feel totally WEAK when I have to prioritize the things that I can do on a daily base. Typing a blog in the morning means not doing any typing for the rest of the day, sewing clothing means less activity for the rest of the day. So now I perceived my body as WEAK and not cooperating with me and not realizing that I am my body and I caused this distress within my body. I am not WEAK neither STRONG within comparison and polarity. It’s simply my physical that for the moment isn’t coping with the changes I made within my physical reality and if that means I need to take a lot of rest, then let it be so. It is not me limiting myself through having a non functional arm, it’s my body that says, hey stop abusing the physical, stop, breathe and change the way you are living. I wanted to be STRONG, be the partner that could keep the Italian household running as it was, showing off in a way. The question is, who is benefiting from this showing off? As far as I am concerned nobody, so it has to stop and I have to plan my life differently to be able to cope within my physical limitations. Limitations that are not per se WEAK or there to bully me, but simply what is here.

I can see now how much the word WEAK was representing and how much I labeled it as negative. It was almost impossible to re-define this word WEAK while being stuck in all this self created noise around it. A re-definition of a word will give the word a new charge that is best for all life always. In my situation there was no room for best for all, my ego was in the way so to speak.

These are the attempts I did within re-defining while not being clear on the word WEAK:

*Weak – experiencing physical weakness/chemical imbalance within one’s current situation/allocation within one’s world while one’s basic needs are met.

Here I was only considering physical weakness of humans, so I left the animals and objects out. This definition was about me and showed me where I was at that moment, though it had nothing to do with a re-definition in the best interest of all.

*Weak – is the breaking point of directing oneself into complete awareness of being one and equal to Life.

Here I was aiming at polarity and again just the very point where I was at in that moment. Though polarity cannot be included in a re-definition that is best for all.

*Weak – is when people/animals/objects/items are not one with/equal to the whole group.

Here I do consider more than only myself or humanity though now I add comparison, the very point I was entangled in. A point of ego cannot be part of a re-definition since ego has nothing to do with what is best for all.

*Weak – is when a being/animal/object has no longer the ability to function within their specific expression/purpose.

Here I assume that all is STRONG to begin with when I say “no longer the ability”, therefore it is still a polarity and not in the best interest of all life when it comes to re-definitions.

*Weak – the loss of the ability to function within a specific self-expression.

Here I do the same as in the previous re-definition only now “no longer” is replaced by “loss”. The word loss has polarity and comparison within it and is therefore not to be used as best for all re-definition.

*Weak – a self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage of it’s existence that is not preferable in all situations.

Here the self-expression is seen as negative “not preferable” so it charges the re-definition with a negative charge and is therefore not suitable for a re-definition in the best interest of all.

*Weak – is a form of self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage that is not effective in all situations.

Here I do the same as in the previous re-definition, only now I call it “not effective” though it has still a negative charge and comparison within it.

*Weak – is a form of self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage that is aberrant for it’s kind and detracts it’s nature.

Here I am at full steam and within desperation of not moving towards a re-definition I add all ingredients that are not at all reflecting what is best for all. “Aberrant” and “detracts” I used here deliberately to wrap up the negative charge in a nice wrapping.

*Weak – is an existing/resulting expression that exist temporarily/as a constant that will compromise the power of the whole and results in a temporarily/constant separation of the whole.

Here I mixed several previous re-definitions that had proven to be inadequate and again it is full of negative charge and comparison. At this point I surrendered, I was tired, frustrated and truly feeling WEAK. At this point I realized that I had to write out that what was attached to the word WEAK within my conscious world. I asked my buddy to assist and support me to get me through this point. In the end she gave me her definition, that she had come up with together with my moderater, of the word WEAK. She asked me to consider this re-definition and at first I didn’t see it work, while I was still blurred with all the bullshit that I had attached to it.

*WEAK – THE INABILITY FOR SOMETHING TO FUNCTION ACCORDING TO HOW YOU WANT IT TO FUNCTION.

Yes, this simple it is. The first thought that came up after seeing that this re-definition does consider what is best for all was,” I didn’t do it myself”. So I basically went into WEAKNESS here. I stopped and I breathed, there is no need for being the inventer of things, when something is already within the best interest of all we can all use it. As long as we can see that it is in the best interest of all. So without acting from a point of ego I’m adopting this re-defintion into my Mind Construct and see it as support instead of WEAKNESS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as weak compared to the strong I desire to be. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the words weak and strong to charges myself with positive and negative feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others when it comes to the word weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of weak and strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my ego as a directive principle to guide me through my experiences when it comes to weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as strong throughout my life, instead of seeing that this experience was merely there to cover up my true feeling of being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the impulsing from society around the word weak as an excuse to not take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak by lacking enough money to sustain myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my body for giving upon me and making me weak, instead of seeing that I allowed my body to become weak, but that doesn’t mean I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the feeling of weak to feel strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as less than my daughter when it comes to medical assistance due to  financial priorities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak when I cannot do all the tings I want/desire to do on a daily base while having a dysfunctional arm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical out of fear to experience limitations that I already had placed for myself to begin with by abusing the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show of and picture myself as strong to my outside world.

When and as I see myself going into emotions/feelings around the word weak. I stop, I breathe and realize that acting from a point of ego within comparison and polarity will lead me nowhere. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the emotions/feelings around the word weak and I will use the re-definition of the word weak, to guide me/show me the living expression of the word weak.

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Conflict Management 22/10/2011

Dealing with conflicts is still a point that brings me anxiety, I need to actively take myself back to my breathing and stabilize myself. Within these moments I desire for harmony to come and rescue me from the bullies that pull my pigtails. Wanting to crawl back into the deep caves of ignorance that I’m now able to define as “the mind”. So I’m asking myself now why am I not accepting the fact that I can be stable, stable to face conflict and to see it for what it is?

 

When people are quite reactive in their comments and totally disagreeing with me, I feel energy movement within my chest and my solar plexus. Directly followed with a reaction of wanting to escape this state of being. I feel as if I’m a naughty girl that has been doing things terribly wrong. This experience then will set in and used by me as an example or blue print for other situations. Even my warning tool to decide if certain people will give me trouble, or better said if these people will bring me into trouble. Into trouble as a child that did something against the will of it’s parents. This way of perceiving or experiencing life is quite limiting and giving me  lot of energetic movement by my own allowance.

 

So why do I freak out when the tonality of others communicating with me, is indicating me that they are trouble and I want to escape the situation? Energy movement in the solar plexus indicates fear and energy movement in the chest area indicates family related issues. If I add those two together the bluntly question to ask myself is: where exists fear within my family structure?

 

Where derives this desire to be a good girl from? This question brings me back to a point that I’ve worked through within a mind construct months ago. The point of being educationally corrected by my parents for not being a good girl, for not agreeing with them. This correction was done by holding my head under the cold water tap. Within this experience believed that I was going to die. For many years I had hydrophobia and still when being in water and others are pulling or pressing me under water, I totally freak as if they attempt to kill me. Taking a shower and washing my long hair as a child was not a fun experience, it was reliving my own believed dead. After my parents had done this educational correction for several times I surrendered. I never really spoke up, not even as a teenager, to my parents and they never corrected me physically again afterwards. So they thought they had done a great parental job, while in the meanwhile a nasty seed was planted within my system that I allowed and accepted to be real.

 

Even till today I do not want to make my parents angry, which I haven’t really experienced, since I was always such a good girl. Throughout my life I have done my best to be a good person, I defined myself as a good person. Every time when I see the evil within me that I also consist of I feel this energy movement, which makes me almost feel sick. The friction between the picture I want to be and present to my outer world and my real me that within polarity cannot only be good.

 

So whenever there is a conflict, disagreement or a tonality that I perceive as hostile, I’ll go into anxiety. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be a good girl. Fearing the fact that I’ll not be seen as a good person and therefore I’m doing something wrong. Which in turn leads to an anxiety that has the fear of death as basic emotion in it. And that feels like a big fuck up, paralyzing and limiting myself to an extend that I almost have to grasp for air.

 

Although all of this still exist within me today, I’m able through the tools of the Desteni I Process, to calm myself down. Focussing on my breathing while seeing what is here. Stabilize myself within searching for the common sense within all of it. No longer allowing and accepting myself to escape within my mind, but to face it and see that I’ll still will live when there is disagreement. Within stabilizing myself and therefore taking away all the emotional noise, I can interact in a stabile way, I am worthy of life and therefore I may speak up in the best interest of all. I may live, I may be alive.

 

Once you start your I Process you will be able to see the fears/emotions/feelings that are moving you, as what they are, and with the tools provided you are able to correct yourself within the physical. To learn from your past, but not dwell in your past. To learn and recreate your future and no longer live in fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear whenever I’m finding myself within a by myself defined conflict situations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience physical anxiety when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being a good girl.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a past memory/experience on my current life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for being hostile while disagreeing or being in conflict, instead of seeing that I’m hostile towards myself by letting these emotions rule over my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through the fear of conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a good person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not to be seen as a good person and being rejected.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear the consequences when not being a good person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death when I consider myself as a bad person and experience the consequences of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going into anxiety when confronted with conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer harmony over conflict, instead of seeing that it’s the other end of the polarity and therefore will not free me from this energetic limitations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of conflict and harmony.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conflict within myself while searching for harmony out side myself to compensate.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for being trouble and disturbing my world/bubble.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer the mind when confronted with conflict or disagreement over the physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the desire to separate myself from reality when confronted with conflict or disagreement.

 

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of anxiety. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that anxiety will give me fear and not a clear view on what I am dealing with. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.

 

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of desiring to separate myself from reality. I stop and breathe. Within this I realize that separation will not allow me to act within my physical reality and direct myself in the best interest of all. Participating within this pattern will only bring me consequences, so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to work with what is here within self-direction.

 

A conflict as a CON – DELICT to Self

 

 

 

See the Destonian Wiki on Wikipedia on subjects within my blogs that might not yet be clear to you, subjects like Equal Money, Equality for All. See also the information of the desteni I process at http://www.equalmoney.org that explains you how to stabilize yourself within this current world.

 

I honestly hate that smell and I self-honestly need to direct myself 10/05/2011

Just beside the fence at the entrance of my garden grows a Viburnum Laurustinus bush. In winter it bears fruit, like little deep red berries, in May it starts to blossom with little white flowers. When this bush is in bloom it produces an unpleasant foul scent and at this time of the year the wind blows happily around the house and brings this scent everywhere in the air. To me this intense foul scent smells like kitten diarea. Whenever I pass the bush or the wind is blowing my way I hold my breath.

The first year, while living in this house, I couldn’t figure out where the foul smell came from. Till I found out by opening and closing the fence that it was the bush. The smell was so intense that it made me feel sick and the more attention I gave it the more dirty it smelled. My kids and partner did also smell it, but to them it wasn’t a deterrent foul smell and they didn’t pay much attention to it. I was simply convinced that this was the most dirty foul smell I had ever smelled in my whole life. Last year the bush didn’t have a really strong scent, so I thought I was doing okay and figured I wasn’t giving it as much attention as the year before. This year, however the bush produces a strong scent again and my strong reaction is totally back.

The fact that I honestly admitted that I felt disgusted by the foul smell, was me being honest about a possessive feeling that was going on inside my mind. I payed attention to this feeling and kept it this way alive within my mind. So I did not lie, I was telling the truth that was inside my mind. I didn’t realise that being honest about this feeling towards myself and my surrounding, was not only giving attention to the feeling, I was also participating within a polarity of honesty and dishonesty. Which practically meant that I was honest about my feeling and at the same time dishonest about why I wanted to give attention to this feeling by not looking for the starting point in self-honesty within myself.

When I’m self-honest I can see that I’m giving attention to a feeling of being disgusted by a scent. The disgust originates from a memory I got after repeatedly cleaning kitten diarea, which I labeled and stored as a foul smell within my mind. So what basically happens is, whenever I smell the bush my mind says foul smell as the feeling that’s attached to the memory of the kitten diarea. Since it’s a polarity I’m looping within this thought structure and I’m generating only energy with it. The only reason I keep on doing this useless and unnecessary ritual is because I’m hooked on the energy.

It’s simply being a junk, happy with its drugs to get to fantasy mindfuck land and for that short period of time not having to take responsibility. A distraction of what is here and not being my own directive principle. At first it looked so innocent, but after 3 spring times I couldn’t say anymore, it’s the smell that disgusts me, instead of seeing that I was disgusting myself by not taking my responsibility and not being my own directive principle.

The next question to ask is, when honesty and dishonesty are a polarity, what does that make self-honesty? Is self-honesty the polarity of self-dishonesty? No it isn’t, self-dishonesty is honesty. It’s the honesty according to the system we live in. The honesty of which people say they cannot practice it all the way within the system, you can’t always be honest they say. Indeed, you can’t always be honest in expressing all your thoughts/emotions/feelings, that’s in itself already being dishonest. Dishonest from the starting point of fueling thoughts/emotions/feelings and accumulating energy.

Therefore self-honesty isn’t debatable, it’s what’s best for all found in the depths of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of honest and dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be enslaved by energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility and give attention to mind realities such as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disgust myself for not being my own directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a smell is disgusting and foul.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the pattern of giving attention to a feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the pattern giving attention to a thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat myself in order to generate more energy.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of generating energy. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as a thought that’s fueling the polarisation of honest and dishonest and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

 

I-witness of a murder 04/05/2011

Driving my daughter A. home from scooter theory lessons I almost got pushed off the road by a big truck. Within this split second of keeping my car on the road, I saw something orange and white tumbling on the road. A. started crying and then I understood that it was a cat. The truck tried to get around the cat on this country side road, came to my lane and almost bumped into my car. A. cried and said: ” did you see that mom?”

Yes, even in a split second I saw that this cat was horribly wounded. In the same split second I had all kind of options going through my mind. We need to stop and turn. We need to pick up the cat and find his owner. No, it will take too much time to find his owner. We need to take him back to town and see the vet. The vet is only a few moments in the week open for people to bring in their animals. What if we are there with an almost dying cat and the vet isn’t there. What a fuck up it’s all useless and I’m almost running out of gas so not much liberty to travel freely.

I decided to drive home and not interfere in this event, since no outcome seemed to be in the best interest of all. A. was still crying softly, she also wanted to do something for the cat. She experienced it as not being fair and she hated the image that was now burnt on her retina. I asked her if she thought that crying would help the cat in that moment and she understood it wasn’t. I asked her if she wanted to turn and get the cat. No, she didn’t because in the split second that I had done my equations also she had done hers. I didn’t want her to suppress her emotions and feelings so I let her be and let her cry a bit.

After a while we talked again, but A. didn’t allow me to talk about the accident. When I look back on the on the whole event the polarities were all over the place. The polarity of good and bad made it difficult for me to see what to decide what to do. The same polarity made A. cry. The polarity of crying or suppressing, fair and unfair. It shows so much that our society and we as humans are steeped in polarity. These polarities who generate thoughts within our minds and attach feelings/emotions to it, are showing us the real enslavement. Once we’re hooked on these feelings/emotions they generate energy which is the real drug. It’s a pattern that has a spell that only can be broken through pure self-will. No rehab drug clinic can help us through this polarity enslavement.

A. didn’t want to talk about the accident anymore that day, until the next morning. At breakfast she suddenly said that she had experienced something really awful yesterday, but she wasn’t going to talk about it. Since my partner P. and son J. didn’t yet knew about it they asked what A. her announcement was all about. A. left the room saying that she didn’t want to talk about it. So when she left the others asked me what had happend. I told them the story and when A. came back into the room she asked if I had told the others about the accident. This seemed somewhat ought to me. She said she didn’t want to think about it anymore, but the image was still in her mind.

I slowly saw what had happend, the event was steeped in polarities and she had taken the fair and unfair part with it’s emotions/feelings and turned it into a pattern. By repeating the event/experience even indirectly through me, she already had this addiction to the polarity and the energy generated by the emotions/feelings. So polarity enslavement of the mind, which popped up a few other times today. I know A. loves all animals, but in this case her mind had picked the right subject to get her hooked on the energy. Something to work on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad. Instead of seeing that whatever end of the polarity I had chosen it would always keep me within the polarity and it would lead me nowhere. Helping the cat within my limits would not bring any result in the best interest of all and leaving the cat to die would neither be in the best interest of all.

Today we after driving along the spot A. saw blood on the road, but the cat was gone. She figured the cat was rescued by it’s owners. That would be a nice ending of the story and it would set us free from any form of guilt. I know better of course, guilt is something only I can set me free of and not a nice ending of a story that brings me again in another polarity. It’s like my world is booby trapped with polarities, avoiding one can result in stepping on the next one.

 

Fighting jealousy, before I become jealousy 16/04/2011

While exploring and getting to know the patterns of my back chat I looked closer into the point of jealousy. Since jealousy is what the back chat triggers. First I couldn’t see the correlation, looking through the eyes of my mind. Then when I self-honestly looked at my back chat, the more nasty one’s, I saw and understood that indeed all these thoughts that were generated by the back chat of my mind could be traced back to the point of jealousy. It’s the struggle within the polarity of more and less where I allow myself to be held prisoner and it always feels like shit after I expose myself.

I’m more and more able, while still going into the back chat, to slow down and at the same time even rewind the thoughts within the event  to spot this jealousy point. The back chat is not hidden within big nasty events, instead I find it in my day to day events, which in the end at the end of the day adds up.

While I was sitting behind my computer and looking out of the window, I saw my neighbor hanging her robe on the drying rack. I felt a nasty thought coming up which I didn’t allowed to come through, though I could sense that the thought was already made and traveling around in the depts of my mind. So I unraveled and searched for the thought I had more or less stopped. I found the thought that ridiculed my neighbor for hanging the robe on the rack. This sounds stupid in itself though attached to this thought are memories and opinions. Six years ago my neighbors applied for a building permission to replace an old iron shed  in their back yard with a bigger stone one. Last year they finally got permission to build, around that time my partner lost his job. The ideas my neighbors had about the shed six years ago totally changed and they decided to make a laundry area in the shed and put a shower in. Now when finally the shed is finished and winter is gone they take a shower in their shed every morning and walk in their robe from the main house into the end of the backyard. I on the other hand take a shower one’s every three days to save gas and water so we can do more with the little money we have.

It was obvious to me that I was trying to feel more by ridiculing them for having build an expensive shed and not being able to have a shower in their home. In their home they shower in the bath tub wich is less comfortable than taking a shower in a shower box. So hanging the robe on the rack triggered all of this and I felt more within using the back chat, but within reality I felt less for not having the financial means to build a luxurious shed in my garden. It’s not even the point of wanting a shed it is the point of being jealous on someone that has money while I have little.

Then the other day I was waiting in the car for my kids to come from school while a big new SUV pulled up the sidewalk. I recognized the man that came out of the car, it was the owner of the organic shop. He was going to pick up his kid from nursery school. Also here I felt a nasty thought coming up and when it came through it didn’t look like a nasty one. Within this thought I wondered if his kid is a boy or a girl, since I never had discovered that. The reply I gave myself on that question turned already into something nasty, within saying the kid has long hair, how can you tell if it’s a boy or a girl if you let your child look like that. I stopped and slowed down to see what was really going on underneath these thoughts. It was the car that was the trigger point, it made me feel less, why can they drive in a big expensive car. The thoughts went further into, probably because of their high prices in their organic shop. So again jealousy and not so much of the car, but more of the fact that they have money to spend on such things.

Today I cleaned at J.&A. their Country house and we enjoyed each others company and we had worked like a team to get the apartments clean before the guest starts coming in for their holidays. We were chatting a bit and while A. spoke I watched her mouth while she was speaking, A. is a really cute looking lady and she always smiles, I liked the way her mouth moved while speaking. At the same time I could sense nasty thoughts were going to be formed and I challenged my mind. I said: what are you doing? There is no need for nasty thoughts at all, I’m having a conversation and enjoying it and I will not allow and accept  nasty thoughts to come and spoil the moment. Within that moment the thoughts faded away. I was kind of proud that I had proven to myself that I can be my own directive principle. At the same time I realize the amount of back chat thoughts that I still have to tackle, but I’m grateful for the progress I have made. Being aware and recognizing the back chat is the first step, before the real hiking can start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous on the money others have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity in more and less in relation to money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cope with feeling less through nasty thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this pattern of jealousy.

 

Contortionist 10/02/2011

Last night I wrote a blog about the unfair judgements and grades within the school system. The blog represented the event of going to school to collect my kids reports, the disfunction of the grading system and the disfunction of teachers. I wrote about how I react towards school related events now my kids are walking the school system, but I didn’t get to the point of who I am within this all. I rewrote the blog and still ended up with more of the same. So I clearly wasn’t ready in that moment to open up this point and to see what was underneath it. This morning I made a vlog about why I had been reacting in the first place and to investigate if it would make a difference, or if it would push me through this layer in which I was stuck, when I spoke the words out loud.

When speaking out loud I realised that it was anger what I felt. When I started kindergarten I tried a few ways, like standing beside my desk instead of sitting, to investigate how much space and freedom there was for me to be myself within the rules of the school system. I had quite a strong will, and in these days it was quite normal to experience breaking the will of a child as an educational tool, in order to get a good behaving child. It started already when I was born, I was given milk at certain times a day and not necessarily when I was hungry. The advise was to let babies cry and not react on it, the crying would go away and the end result a baby that wasn’t spoiled and wasn’t ruling the household. We are talking about babies here and not about terrorists. Well hey, that were the good old times. So at home there wasn’t much space for terrorism I tried to throw in some tantrums and also here my parents got the advise to break my will at this point and to put my head under the cold water tap to end it. I ended up with fear of water, but that was only collateral damage.

Within my first weeks school, I understood there was not such a thing as freedom at school. It felt like being bend into the wrong direction, when you practise a lot you will one day end up like a contortionist. A contortionist that can be bend in all directions except for the direction to Self. Over the years I kept trying to rebel in tiny little almost risk free things, but I ended always up at the same point as I started. So no freedom at school for me and this feeling of powerlessness accumulated over the years into a latent form of anger and was playing out in a polarity of good and bad. I was always a model student or was reaching towards it. All to cover up the anger, the powerless feeling of not being able to be me and stand as me as life.

When I started University I reacted strongly on teachers who judged me personally in what ever way based on zero information other then assumptions. It was as if my freedom for being the person that I had become, was brutally taken away from me. In essence they hurt my ego/identity that I had formed to cover up the latent anger in the previous years. In fact the judging, these teachers did, could have been an indication to me, as I had only knew, that I was judging myself for not standing as me in every moment and every breath. I knew that the only way to show myself, for what I thought that was me, was by fighting for it and going against the flow. I also knew unconscious that this fighting could take the lid of my anger and not knowing if I would transform into a terrorist. So I did nothing but suppressed. The day my daughter A. went to her first play group and came home disappointed that she hadn’t been taught how to read, my entire pattern reactivated again.

The strong reactions I have on the current school system and the pathetic behavior of the current teachers was a perfect cover up for my anger. I could lash out at others while I remained unaffected and that’s not the way I intend to do things according to the Desteni way of life. Within taking this whole point back to self I see that I no longer can accept and allow myself to participate within this pattern of angriness. There remains still the fact that the current school system isn’t bringing forth effective new humans who can build a better world. No we instead educate our children how to be mean, how to cheat, how to put a minimum effort in your study, how to identify yourself with fake identities, how to choose for further education based on outdated job opportunities etc.etc. So I will do my part within this pattern in order to work on better ways to offer education to our children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless while in school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let anger be the spokesman for my powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad. Choosing the be the good because of feeling bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover up my anger for not being myself at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on judging from others towards me, the judging of my identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not standing as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my anger and instead choosing to suppress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and not going with the flow, so in fact separating myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the current school system to cover up my own issues and use it to allow myself to lash out on people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself, my own world and my experience of myself-instead I diverted this self responsibility to the hands of manifestations separate from me because I didn’t allow myself to stand up for life as life as me of oneness and equality for all as one as equal. Veno

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to experience me. Veno

I am the directive principle of me

I am life

I am here

I am breath

I am standing

Till here no further: I am not my patterns

When I see myself participating within an energy pattern such as anger. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that I am the directive force and will not be directed by an energy such as anger. I also realise that there is no need for me to participate within this pattern. Thus I stop, and breathe and do not participate.

 

Polenta and I, no best friends 30/11/2010

Today, within my food experiment, I added polenta (corn flour) to my diet. At breakfast I just had a carrot and a glass of water, there were too many things to do before I could start cooking polenta. So, around noon, I cooked some polenta and added some grated carrot into this massive substance. I muscle tested if I could use some salt and it tested out for yes. I figured in common sense that it wasn’t wise to just eat carrot and polenta and drinking quite some water and not add any salt. I do need to function during the day and I don’t want to feel physical weakness due to a lack of common sense. After the polenta was cooked I formed little cookies from it and baked them in the oven. Although I normally would have added more ingredients like cheese, garlic and herbs, the cookies tasted good. No resistances, because of the taste. I normally like food or don’t like it and polenta I do like, but only with a nice sauce on top of it.

There were no feelings of like and dislike while eating the cookies. After one cookie everything was fine, after the second my saliva became thicker and more in quantity. I think I ate 4 cookies for lunch and left the rest for the others and myself to eat during the afternoon. About half an hour after lunch I started to produce a lot of mucus, at a certain moment so much that I had to cough it away. Oh, and another thing, when I woke up this morning I felt light as if there was a burden fallen from my shoulders, I didn’t cough at all. I felt really great this morning. Over the last weeks it was as if I experienced my body through a thick layer of mucus. Not numb but having this cover of mucus around me. All feelings.I had this pain for the last week or so in my left shoulder blade. So this morning I was clear of the mucus, but the pain in my shoulder blade was more clear and present than ever (need to look into that one too).

After eating the polenta cookies, for more than 2 hours afterwards, I’ve been coughing and feeling stuffy from the mucus I produced. Therefore time to investigate, since I create all my physical reactions I must be able to stop them. Therefore I need to know if it is a physical reaction towards the polenta or a mindfuck towards the feelings/emotions/thoughts I have around the word polenta or the picture/memory of polenta. Ok, it’s the mindfuck which is creating a physical reaction, I confirmed it with muscle communication.

Before I always felt quite frustrated and even ashamed about all the mindfucks I had created and discovered. Now I see them for what they are and my only concern is to forgive myself, correct myself and apply it accordingly.

Now I will be testing if it’s a feeling/emotion/thought. It’s the emotion “proudly”. This isn’t ringing any bell. From emotions I went through the dictionary to the phrase “in other languages”, I still have no clue. After testing for a feeling to clear the previous words up, I came up with the feeling “worthy”. I asked a lot of questions and muscle tested them and found out that it is me being proudly and worthy about speaking other languages. In real life I’m the opposite, I do not feel proud on my achievements within learning and speaking other languages and not at all worthy. And than I realised what I was playing out, the polarity of being proud/disappointed and feeling worthy/unworthy when it comes to my “other languages” (English and Italian). In real life I’m disappointed and I feel unworthy about my achievements within languages. Within this polarity of feeling proud and worthy about my achievements within my languages I manifest this food allergy/reaction as the polarisation. Wow, what a mindfuck. So if I apply self forgiveness on this and correctively apply it within my daily life and become neutral within my feelings/emotions towards my languages I can diffuse this point. This isn’t a life long existing problem, if the point is really worked through and diffused I can test if I’m able to eat polenta again.

For tonight no polenta for me, but carrots for sure. I’m going to test for another type of food to eat together with the carrots. It’s turkey, so carrots with turkey for tonight it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed about my achievements within learning new languages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure and therefore disappointed in me when it comes to speaking and writing Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy through my behavior of not really willing to learn Italian and therefore disappointed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of proudly and disappointed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of worthy and unworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the play out of this polenta food allergy/reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the part of being proudly and worthy and therefore not seeing the polarity being played out.