Sylvia's writing to freedom

It’s always about us 12/03/2011

Natural disasters, bad and though times, aren’t they revealing the real intend of men? This morning while going through the news and talking with the kids about Japan, my daughter A. said that a girl in her class feared for the nuclear installations in France. How come, I said. France isn’t effected with disasters and their nuclear installations are fine. The point was the girl had seen the images of Japan and feared such an event and projected it onto her own situation. The closest nuclear installation here in Italy are indeed in France. This is only one example, but this is how it goes most of the times. We hear about disasters bad news and instead of taking in that news and really see what that means for those people and what can be done. Instead we project it onto ourselves in a fantasy like way, because we are not effected by such a disaster in that moment, and suddenly we fear in such an extent that we feel the victim. The ugly thing about such a mechanism is that a victim can not think clear and help in all ways possible the real victims. And again as always we end up acting out of self interest and are we not able to see the need through our projected fantasy based fear.

Then when going through some more news about the tsunami in Japan I read some comments. I like reading comments to see how others are perceiving things and where they stand. Here I read  a comment where someone said with a lot of emphasize that we are not to blame for  the disaster taking place now in Japan and also Indonesia with an volcanic eruption and that we can not do anything about it. Is that so? Or is it just a matter of who shouts the loudest is right?

Are we indeed not to blame when it comes to disasters? I sincerely doubt it, I can see that it’s some kind of wishful thinking and when the really bad things are happing it’s a relief to take your hands of it and have no responsibility what so ever any more. We have to understand that every action and every thought we have, how big or how little, it always has consequences in the physical reality whether you’re aware of it or not. So, when during my life time my actions lead to series of consequences how would all the actions with all their consequences add up? And of course we can not stop a 7 meter high wave while it’s happening, not even with thousands of people. We’re merely ants that are splashed away. Though it’s not saying anything about who caused it over time in the first place.

When I neglect the wiring in my house for many years out of a self interested way or just because I do not have the financial ability to adress this problem the end result stays the same. One day a short may have a devastating effect on my home and I find myself rescued outside while big flames are coming out of my home. In that moment I can not stop the flames and the house from burning on my own and I might ask myself why this has to happen to me. Things happen always to us, because we initiated them by actually causing them or accepting and allowing them.

So on a bigger scale within natural disasters we can feel helpless and victimized when the end result forces itself upon our reality, but we are to blame for not taking responsibility in the first place. If we really did not do anything that would have consequences, our world would be static and nothing would happen what so ever. But is that the case?

It’s up to us whether we see ourselves as a victim or we see in self-honesty that we are both victim and the cause. I do not want to make myself a victim through projections or real actions within my reality. I want to deal with the symptoms and even with that what caused these symptoms. I don’t want to be impressed by consequences of my actions while feeling powerless. I want to take my responsibility back and therefore I work on myself within the desteni ‘I’ process.

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Contortionist 10/02/2011

Last night I wrote a blog about the unfair judgements and grades within the school system. The blog represented the event of going to school to collect my kids reports, the disfunction of the grading system and the disfunction of teachers. I wrote about how I react towards school related events now my kids are walking the school system, but I didn’t get to the point of who I am within this all. I rewrote the blog and still ended up with more of the same. So I clearly wasn’t ready in that moment to open up this point and to see what was underneath it. This morning I made a vlog about why I had been reacting in the first place and to investigate if it would make a difference, or if it would push me through this layer in which I was stuck, when I spoke the words out loud.

When speaking out loud I realised that it was anger what I felt. When I started kindergarten I tried a few ways, like standing beside my desk instead of sitting, to investigate how much space and freedom there was for me to be myself within the rules of the school system. I had quite a strong will, and in these days it was quite normal to experience breaking the will of a child as an educational tool, in order to get a good behaving child. It started already when I was born, I was given milk at certain times a day and not necessarily when I was hungry. The advise was to let babies cry and not react on it, the crying would go away and the end result a baby that wasn’t spoiled and wasn’t ruling the household. We are talking about babies here and not about terrorists. Well hey, that were the good old times. So at home there wasn’t much space for terrorism I tried to throw in some tantrums and also here my parents got the advise to break my will at this point and to put my head under the cold water tap to end it. I ended up with fear of water, but that was only collateral damage.

Within my first weeks school, I understood there was not such a thing as freedom at school. It felt like being bend into the wrong direction, when you practise a lot you will one day end up like a contortionist. A contortionist that can be bend in all directions except for the direction to Self. Over the years I kept trying to rebel in tiny little almost risk free things, but I ended always up at the same point as I started. So no freedom at school for me and this feeling of powerlessness accumulated over the years into a latent form of anger and was playing out in a polarity of good and bad. I was always a model student or was reaching towards it. All to cover up the anger, the powerless feeling of not being able to be me and stand as me as life.

When I started University I reacted strongly on teachers who judged me personally in what ever way based on zero information other then assumptions. It was as if my freedom for being the person that I had become, was brutally taken away from me. In essence they hurt my ego/identity that I had formed to cover up the latent anger in the previous years. In fact the judging, these teachers did, could have been an indication to me, as I had only knew, that I was judging myself for not standing as me in every moment and every breath. I knew that the only way to show myself, for what I thought that was me, was by fighting for it and going against the flow. I also knew unconscious that this fighting could take the lid of my anger and not knowing if I would transform into a terrorist. So I did nothing but suppressed. The day my daughter A. went to her first play group and came home disappointed that she hadn’t been taught how to read, my entire pattern reactivated again.

The strong reactions I have on the current school system and the pathetic behavior of the current teachers was a perfect cover up for my anger. I could lash out at others while I remained unaffected and that’s not the way I intend to do things according to the Desteni way of life. Within taking this whole point back to self I see that I no longer can accept and allow myself to participate within this pattern of angriness. There remains still the fact that the current school system isn’t bringing forth effective new humans who can build a better world. No we instead educate our children how to be mean, how to cheat, how to put a minimum effort in your study, how to identify yourself with fake identities, how to choose for further education based on outdated job opportunities etc.etc. So I will do my part within this pattern in order to work on better ways to offer education to our children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless while in school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let anger be the spokesman for my powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad. Choosing the be the good because of feeling bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover up my anger for not being myself at school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on judging from others towards me, the judging of my identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not standing as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my anger and instead choosing to suppress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight and not going with the flow, so in fact separating myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the current school system to cover up my own issues and use it to allow myself to lash out on people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself, my own world and my experience of myself-instead I diverted this self responsibility to the hands of manifestations separate from me because I didn’t allow myself to stand up for life as life as me of oneness and equality for all as one as equal. Veno

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to experience me. Veno

I am the directive principle of me

I am life

I am here

I am breath

I am standing

Till here no further: I am not my patterns

When I see myself participating within an energy pattern such as anger. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that I am the directive force and will not be directed by an energy such as anger. I also realise that there is no need for me to participate within this pattern. Thus I stop, and breathe and do not participate.