Sylvia's writing to freedom

The voice in my head 29/03/2011

The voice in my head is the one thing I lived with my whole live, we haven’t been separated for one day. I’m familiar with it, I trusted it for many, many years. It was the voice that made me chuckle and the voice that called me stupid or a coward. It didn’t shame itself to lash out on people, while I was holding my head still and rolling with my eyes to see if anybody heard the nasty, evil talk inside me. I identified with this voice like it was me, how could it be someone else, it was inside my head.

When looking back at all the years that I presumed this voice, my thoughts, were real. It’s peculiar to believe such a voice is real. I’ve had many occasions where my thoughts voiced by my voice in the head, were plain abusive. Self-destructive thoughts that were telling me what a low life I was, and I figured it was me talking to me. Why would I do that to myself and why would al humanity do that to themselves? Maybe the simple explanation is, that we’re all lunatics.

These thoughts in my head are made of energy generated by my own system called, mind consciousness. This is quite a subtle invention of my creator, the brown star in the sky. There are shows on television where people get an earplug in their ear to be connected with the show makers and they tell this candidate what to say. Just like the voice in our head, it’s also outside our true self,  yet part of our mind conscious system. So believing the voice as if it’s you is accepting and allowing this voice to verbally rape you while you’re not complaining since you agreed upon it’s existence and there were no witnesses to testify against it.

So I’m in a process now to no longer participate within these thoughts as energies, which is cool and doable one moment and almost impossible the next moment. You see this system knows my soft spots, since we grew up together. The system it’s goal is to accumulate more energy so it tries to trick me into all kind of thoughts that generates more emotions/feelings. By slowing myself down and reflecting upon myself within common sense I can trace back the thought and it’s origin. When I do not pay any attention and move on automated pilot, as in not being here in the physical but inside my mind, all goes fast and I’m likely to go along in this energy game of my mind.

Currently I’ve been quite satisfied with my progression and I’m having less thoughts inside my mind. These thoughts are also called the back chat, because it’s your system talking back at you. Or it’s talking evil stuff behind others their backs. Within observing this back chat closer I noticed that I didn’t have so much evil lashing out on others anymore. Then when looking even closer I noticed that my system was just tricking me into another energy game.

Yesterday I heard the screaming voice of a child on the street while hanging out of the window. It almost felt like there was coming in my mind a nasty comment about the kid, but I stopped it. Then my mind kicked in, my voice inside asked me if I could remember how I always reacted when I heard that child scream, if I remembered the comments I used to make. And then the voice comforted me and praised me for being such a good person who didn’t do this nasty back chat anymore. WTF I ended up at the same point as I started. Now I wasn’t having this back chat anymore, but instead the voice started reflecting upon my good deed and generated energy anyways. This is one fucking subtle system that shouldn’t be taken lightly. It always wants to have it his way, this voice is like a whining child in my head and I need to re-educate it.

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Diet update 05/03/2011

Already weeks ago I noticed an intolerance for certain foods. When I look back this intolerance was already there for at least a year, but more hidden and less present.  First it was obvious which products caused problems, then the amount of intolerances speeded up to the point that I was sure that I had an intolerance for all foods, even the word food. I felt downcast and searched for ways to get me out of this point of “feeling” and I needed something more touchable than feelings within my physical world. I couldn’t believe that a person could be intolerant to food in general, so in that case I was mind fucking and deluding myself.

I started my own diet of stripping all types of foods and drinks and started over with water and carrots. Every day I added something new and wrote down on which foods I reacted and tracked down what my definition of these foods were. This was at that point the only way to see what I was dealing with. The amount of foods to research was a reasonable amount and while still busy with it the intolerances faded away. I started to eat the “forbidden” foods again in small amounts to see what it did to my physical body, nothing much really. I abandoned my research and continued with normal life again. That’s how we humans operate, when things turn bad we act, when things go as normal or even good we will not question.

In this period of food intolerances I was at the same time peeling of layers within my process. When I continued eating normal while all looked fine again I had a moment of, how should I say, a sort of nothingness, a too calm period, a void. This static state of being started to irritate me, I committed to process and I started biting through my mess and I didn’t like to stop and rest, I desired to continue at the same constant quiet pace. Biting, biting, eating, chewing, till the mess is cleared whenever that may be. Quite a fascinating phrase I just wrote, a metaphor with food related words, mmm interesting.

Now when having myself totally surrendered to the mind constructs I started to notice an intolerance for certain, already identified foods from before. At that point I saw the connection between these two periods of peeling of layers and realizing myself. This time I did avoid or ate only small, tiny amounts of these foods, to reduce irritation. It looks like I’m really sensitive while peeling my layers and once I’m more stable within those points the food intolerance fades away.

It’s kind of a cool tool this body of my, it indicates all kind of things, that is if I’m willing to slow down and see.

 

There is no way back 23/02/2011

Today I realised that there is no way back, because I do not allow and accept myself to participate within a return to the old. The old that obviously didn’t work, otherwise I wouldn’t have been looking for a better or different approach to what I call life.

Since I started studying the Desteni materials and since I started my ‘I’process I have experienced that I can change me. That I as a human can be changed by my own self willed directive actions. Stopping the mind, stopping thoughts, stopping memories, all by just simply not participating within them.

Today in the car while looking at the scenery outside, I was observed the world outside and within that the first thought came up about what I saw. I realised how useless the thought was and I could already see that participating within it would lead me nowhere than only following my inner world’s highway and interconnect to all kinds of different locations which would lead me again to nowhere. So I stopped, I didn’t allow and accept myself to participate within this thought about the scenery. A few minutes later while still watching the scenery outside the car I noticed there was another thought coming up, but still unknown to me. The best way to describe this is waves, the thoughts come like high tide, one wave after the other and only at its highest point it reveals its nature. The thought wasn’t yet on his highest point and I stopped it and it washed away. With this one wave the whole tide washed away and it was so cool. After that thought others tried to pop up, but I didn’t allow them either. So I did it, I stopped the thought before it revealed itself to me in full awareness.

Imagine knowing that I’m capable of stopping myself from participating within the mind, how small this attempt might be, it is the reason to never look back again and follow the straight disciplined path that is before me. I simply have to participate within my process and within this reality. The world is going crazy and I’ve let it come this far, just as every other human on this planet. I do have a voice in sound and in written words so I will use that and take back my own responsibility. When the world gets crazy which in essence means, we get crazy, because we are the reflection that our world exists of. We are the problem and within that also the solution. The only question I need to ask myself is why not use the key while I’m holding it?

There are people out there who do not see the point of releasing oneself from one’s patterns, fears, emotions, feelings and thoughts. Neither do they see the point of releasing it through publicly writing and they can not imagine that, how they see this writing as sitting behind one’s computer, would bring any change in this world. This kind of thinking can only be backed up when one doesn’t see oneself as the problem, the starting point of the current state our world is in. These are the same people who go to church and pray and hope for change while watching reality on tv instead of being real and changing themselves for real.

Our world goes crazy and the riots that take place are getting grimmer every time a new one starts. People are so called fighting for freedom, but instead they are fighting their own fears and hating the very guts of man. They think they are fighting together against the evil and do not see that they are fighting separately within self interest. This very point of self interest will in all ways obstruct the best interest of all and therefore these riots will never lead us to new, stable and sustainable solutions. These riots are as our very own thoughts and will lead us nowhere, only if we stop them, we can see in common sense that we need real collaboration within reality. As long as we keep our thoughts alive, we are living within a delusional make believe world that entails us that freedom without consequences and without taking responsibility is a real solution.

I will keep using my voice and build my house on a rock. No violence is necessary as long as you are able to see that you are a part of the problem and therefore a part of the solution. There is no way back, it’s either going forward in no matter what speed or looping in the same circles over and over again. I won’t go there anymore, I will lift my head and chin up and walk, alone or together. Either you join me or stay trapped within your surreality.

 

50 Ways to leave your vlogging 09/02/2011

Lately I had quite some excuses and justifications for not vlogging more regularly. My writings are consistently and it would be cool if my vlogging is in the same line with my blogging. This song of “50 ways to leave your lover” popped up into my mind. Some days I do have have 50 ways or excuses, but tonight I’ll keep it to my top 10 of most frequently used excuses or justifications.

To check the title of the song I came across the lyrics and it showed me even more what a bullshit I had been producing.

The problem is all inside your head 

She said to me

The answer is easy if you

Take it logically

I’d like to help you in your struggle

To be free

There must be fifty ways

To leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack

Make a new plan, Stan

You don’t need to be coy, Roy

Just get yourself free

Hop on the bus, Gus

You don’t need to discuss much

Just drop off the key, Lee

And get yourself free

The problem is all inside my mind 

I said to myself

the answer is easy if I

take common sense

with the equality equation I end my struggle

to set myself free

there may not be 50 ways

to leave my vlogging

Just slip out of the back door, for more

Make a new excuse, juice

You don’t need to fear, dear

Just set yourself free

Hop through your mind, kind

You don’t need to think much

Just drop of free will, Syl

And set yourself free

1. I’ve got nothing of importance to share on camera with the rest of the world.

Bullshit, sharing myself and sharing my process is always of importance for myself and others. Within the vlogging I can practise the living words and see where I have points to work on.

2. My English isn’t sufficient enough to express myself in a way that I can reach out and make a difference.

Bullshit, till so far nobody asked for subtitling, so what has changed? My opinion within my mind towards vlogging has changed. Opinions and non consistant thoughts are not real so this one can be disregarded. Everybody can make a difference when common sense, self-honesty and acting in the best interest of all is applied. There is no need to make “making a difference” into fine art, there is no room for specialness within ones and equality.

3. My computer and tools are old and not efficient enough to make video’s in a modern up to date way.

Bullshit, even with old materials I can get the message across. It’s the message that counts and not the fancy outside.

4. I know what to talk about when I’m not able to record.

Bullshit, I can take notes and tape it later. There is no need for emotions and feelings of being in the mood and being energetic charged to record a video. I proofed that already many times to myself so why do I not learn from my experiences? Simply because I search for a reason to not vlog.

5. Within my mind the spoken words were more effective.

Bullshit, I know that I’m the king within my own mind and that I always will disappoint myself within reality when I compare those two with each other.

6. There is always someone around which enables me to record a video.

Bullshit, there are always occasions enough to record while nobody is in the room. It’s more the shame of not wanting to record with others in my presence. I feel judged when they see me possibly stumble. These thoughts and fears are not the reality and just another excuse to not record when someone else is in the room. It’s not the judging of others it’s me judging myself and fearing myself within vlogging and what may come up.

7. I want validation through vlogging and at the same time I don’t want validation on myself.

Bullshit, trying to get self validation through others or through the things I do is simply not facing myself. This not facing myself reflects in the fact that I’m at the same time don’t want any validation/judging. It’s because I see it as judging that it turns into negative and something ugly. So no need for that, it’s all in the mind and therefore not real. I vlog for myself to get insides within myself and that’s the main reason for doing so, helping each other by sharing our individual processes is also an important reason to not overlook.

8. I know about what and how to vlog, I simply can not push myself to do it regularly.

Bullshit, I can push myself to anything as long as I’m self-honest with myself. Excuses are dishonest and not facing myself.

9. When the consistency is out of my vlogging I build up a new resistance for it.

Bullshit, if I really belief this opinion of mine I rather would not let it come to this point where the consistency goes out of my vlogging. I simply do not belief this and see it as another excuse to not face myself and to put things on camera.

10. When I focus myself on other Desteni related things I can be effective too, for the best interest of all.

Bullshit, I can always do more or other Desteni related stuff, but it cannot take away the point of vlogging. I need to simply face it and push myself through it. So I made a short vlog today to have a start.

 

Discipline 02/02/2011

We’ve been showing over decades to our world and ourselves that we humans have a hard time directing ourselves. Directing ourselves in an effective, structured way, realizing that every movement, thought and energy driven action has consequences within our physical reality. Mostly we need others to give direction to our life’s, our partner, our boss, our hobby, our parents, our children, our animals, our friends, our traditions  and of course our internet. We have no clue what it really means to give direction to ourselves. If we had a clue our world wouldn’t be the way it is today.

We lack discipline, self discipline. At this point older people will probably agree with me, the most populair phrase amongst the elderly is, the youth nowadays does not know what it is to work hard and doing what they need to do. There might be some valid points in this statement, but we may not forget that the starting point for the elderly amongst us was one of fear. Fear for their boss, who was definitely more than them, when they came in late or didn’t work hard enough. That’s not self direction that’s self abuse and acceptance of an abusive money system called capitalism.

The soldier will say that he knows what self discipline is, but he’s only serving money in the manifestation of his superior general. The  light worker will say that he knows what self discipline is, but he’s only meditating till he blows his brains out and provide him with his next energetic shot. The athlete will say that he knows what self discipline is, but he’s training and competing for both energy and money.

Self discipline is directing self without any stimuli from outside and no mind related directions. You get out of bed in the morning not because you feel like it or don’t feel like it out of fear to be late at work. You put on the proper clothes for your work/day and according to the weather outside you pick your clothes, you do not bother if they are fashionable or reflecting your personality. You do your job, because you need money for your basic needs. You eat that amount of food which will support your body and not according to your emotions. You stay during your day within the physical reality and your presents, simply because you need yourself here. You act during your day in common sense and according to what’s best for all. You reflect upon your day just before you go to bed and sleep to check if you have to forgive yourself and apply any corrective statements. You do this all just out of the simple reason that you self direct yourself because you are life.

Earth is capable of directing itself by living according the 4 seasons. Nature is directing itself without acting on emotions and feelings. Life is directing itself and never gives up, only we give up on life. What is wrong with us that we are, the so called superior group on this planet, that’s lost inside ourselves? We never learned and were not programmed to direct ourselves, which doesn’t mean that it can’t be done. It’s the responsibility for all that we are which we think we do not have to take, also this is programming. With some DIY we can de-program ourselves and through discipline we can direct ourselves.YES WE CAN!

To me self discipline has been proven essential to do my process. Living my life from the starting point of what is best for all. Always applying the equality equation to see in a common sensical disciplined way if we all benefit from what I do as individual on this planet. I might seem insignificant to the whole, but all individuals together show if the equation is done effectively. Till so far the whole has failed. Therefore I need to apply in a disciplined way my applications and tools. One of the tools I use to share myself and spread awareness is through blogging. Showing others that I struggle with the same issues as they are and show them what I do about it. Even if I can reach out to one person it’s cool even if I do not reach out to anybody, I in fact reach out to myself and direct self through the experience of daily blogging.

 

The disciples of Jehovah gave me a headache 20/01/2011

This afternoon I had all of a sudden this severe headache coming up. It was a pain that was moving through the front of my head and face. I wanted to do my Italian homework, but I wasn’t capable of doing so. Reading aggravated my headache so I stopped and started baking cookies and little apple breads for the kids to take to school. The headache faded some what away, but kept coming back. I decided to investigate tonight while writing my blog what my body is communicating with me. This in itself is a point of progress, a few years ago I would have brushed it of with the simple fact that a lot of people have headaches over the last week.

 

My day started of as an ordinary day. I began cleaning my house as usual on Wednesday. Half way the morning 2 clients came over, who were supposed to come over last week. My 2 Jehovah Witness clients who do not visit as frequently at my house as before, when they found out that I was hard to convert into their belief. I had never intentions in that direction, but they had faith. They became more compelling every time we met, at a sudden point they bought me even a Dutch bible. I gave them 1 finger for the simple reason that also I had a message to share. At first I only said those things that were not too confronting and obvious common sense for most people. For me this communication was enough and satisfying, but they kept asking about my perspective on life and there my ego took the bate.

 

For quite some time they hadn’t been around and I saw that as a confirmation of my idea that I only was an object of interest when they felt I could be converted. Today they asked me to make a dress for one of them, I shall call her R. All went well and they didn’t speak about their faith. Then when I walked them to the front door R. asked me if I still was using the bible she “gave” me. I said no, please take it with you. This was a point of manipulation of her and I didn’t see that clear. This opened up an opportunity for them to speak about their faith.

 

The other lady F. reminded me of something I had said weeks ago to one of their colleague’s who came along with R. Jehovah’s are really good in taking things out of context and that’s what she did. She blamed me for telling this lady that she is an selfish person for loving her son. In reality I had said within a long conversation that giving love to her son which made her happy and giving her a reason to exist was an act of egoism, as an addiction to energy. At that point I let myself be sucked into their abusive behaviour by reacting on F. her accusation, I was frustrated by the fact that they weren’t able to see how they were abusing their selves and the people around them.

 

We ended up in a conversation in which F. showed her true face and did a lot of projecting. When she saw that I didn’t react with emotions and feelings to her she got really mad and evil. She tried intentionally to hurt me with her specific words. Accusing me of being cold for not being able to give love the way she did and trying to scare me with the fact that the village saw me as a lunatic. I turned her accusations into questions and asked those to her which made her loose herself completely. At that point I couldn’t care less, I was devastated about the demon face she showed me although it didn’t give me any feelings nor emotions at that time.

 

When they left I recorded myself and told the story of what just happend, I wanted to share this story before my mind was going to turn it over and over. Tomorrow I will make a video out of it.

 

So tonight I muscle communicated if the headache had something to do with this event and I tested for yes. The headache is showing me the frustrations I hold onto when I explain words like love to these ladies and they are simply not listening. All examples and questions which show them in common sense that their love is love in reverse its evil. I was already done with these ladies, but just a little bit of ego took me back to this point of frustration where I already had been. I was time looping and I need to stop it right here and right now.

 

I also tested out with muscle communication that I have this belief or idea that I see their life’s as boring for the limitations they keep themselves in and I’m really grateful for my own life as in being in process. Not out of the point of feeling more, but out of the point to see that one can do something about life, one can stand up and one can free oneself from all those limitations that cause a tremendous amount of fears. Life is here in the physical and waiting for some God to rescue you is pathetic and making your life useless. I still have a long way to go, but I’m already grateful for this part.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a headache and not understanding what my body was communicating to me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea that the Jehovah’s were not coming around when they couldn’t convert me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let another manipulate me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Jehova’s are really good in taking things out of context.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react onto F. her accusations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be sucked into their abusive behaviour.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated about the fact that these Jehovah’s do not see that infact they are abusing instead of loving.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care if F. was completely loosing it, instead of searching for a way that’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel no emotions and feelings in that moment, but later while processing the event I did.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego lead me back into this point of frustration and made me time loop.

 

 

 

 

Our new fundamentalistic “faith” 09/01/2011

My day started off as a nice quite Sunday, the sun was shining outside. I did the things that had to be done in order to run my household. Then around noon my partner P. said: “I’ve got an e-mail from my dad”. This means usually assumptions, a lot of emotions and us being asked to justify ourselves. I felt some energy in my solar plexus, not so much fear, but more the feeling of I don’t want to go there anymore. I felt like hiding from the abusive words that were triggered by memories that came up. I didn’t want to participate within these feelings and memories, but this is a though one that always tickles my ego and seduces me to feel personally attacked. P. and I talked a lot today about it to see why we still react and to stop this. My parents-in-law and I do not connect anymore and we do not hear each other so any communication right now is useless and a waste of both our time. It had been so nice and calm and we hadn’t been hearing from them in a while.

 

The accusation this time was about P. his blogging and our new fundamentalistic “faith”. We haven’t been dealing with this kind of family construct yet, but we knew it was about to happen sometime. P. had been writing about his dad amongst many other things within self-honesty and hadn’t been twisting his experience/reality towards his dad at all. His dad took it personal and accused him of having no clue why he had done the things in life how he did them. The whole point of blogging is self reflection and within self reflection one can only write from the perspective of self. My father-in-law thinks that we do not understand the word honesty and he referred to an old saying that says: “Improve the world and start with yourself”. I have to say that for the first time in ages I do agree with him on that one, nevertheless it’s one thing to write it or say it, it’s another thing to apply it.

 

My father-in-law says about P.’s process that it’s a fundamentalistic and new belief/faith and it doesn’t leave any room for discussion and that P. is avoiding any confrontation about it. I can’t recall my father-in-law ever asking P. about it. He ends his e-mail with the statement that he and his wife have the feeling that they lost their son and grandchildren. Then he states  that he hopes that P.’s new faith is worth the price P. has to pay for it and that he has to carry the consequences for the rest of his life. As you can see I’m no longer mentioned within e-mails, only when it comes to brainwashing then I’m in the picture again. What bothers me the most is that for the umpteenth time assumptions are being used as facts. It triggers this polarity point of being more or less within me, on which I have been working within SRA. My father-in-law presents himself as the almighty Lord who doesn’t need to study about our “new faith” or verify his “facts” within reality. I will no longer participate in this emotional turmoil they time after time try to trick me in. I must stick to the facts and all that I see then is two sad people who feel victimized by their son while ignoring the fact that they’ve created and participated within their own reality.

 

Then after lunch we received an e-mail from my dad, who said that my brother-in-law had sent him an e-mail. These two men do normally not have any contact. My brother-in-law expressed his worries about P. and the kids and wanted to bring to my dad’s attention that P. has started blogging and gave him a link to the blog site. My dad read it and then sent a copy to my brother, because he wasn’t sure if he had understood the English articles well enough. My brother confirmed to my dad that there wasn’t anything disturbing or new written in the articles. Both my dad and brother expressed that they themselves would never start such a blog, because you never know who might read it and who will use it against you. The usual fears people have which we already dealt with through self-forgiveness. My dad then had an e-mail exchange with my brother-in-law in which my dad basically said that he didn’t see any disturbing fact within P.’s blog site and that he knew about our financial situation and would do anything to help us financially just as my brother does. I have no other word for my brother-in-laws actions then gossip. He also told my parents about an organisation in Africa that asks €1200,- for a course that we might be involved in. He sounded just like those “cultbusters” on You Tube. My dad asked my brother-in-law how his relationship with his parents was developing and why he had been talking about this with his parents. My brother-in-law said that his relationship with his parents is in good shape and that it was only out of concern he contacted his parents. We all know that the relationship between my brother-in-law and his parents never has been good.

It’s sad but my brother-in-law showed his true nature by gossiping behind our backs about us without asking P. what was really going on. So P. wrote an e-mail to both his brother and dad. My brother-in-law does not understand that in May this year we are 3 years involved within Desteni. Before today he didn’t see us as odd or different and now all of a sudden we are. How fantastic and reliable is the human mind.

 

P. and I and the kids were asking ourselves at a sudden point what this was all about anyways. How can one make such a fuss out of our normal and not at all special way of living. If they had studied what it is we’re involved in then they had found out that it’s about equality and living ones live in the best interest of all. Which doesn’t mean pleasing some one else’s ego. Don’t do onto another what you don’t want to be done onto you and love your neighbor as you love yourself, aren’t fundamentalist principles. Who sees equality for all as a fundamentalistic believe and sees that as leaving no room for discussion is partly right. Equality for all isn’t debatable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel energy movement inside my solar plexus.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego be tickled by memories about nasty comments from my in-laws.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not connect with my in-laws and separate myself from them and label them as bullshitters.