Sylvia's writing to freedom

Reality check 27/01/2011

This morning I had an appointment scheduled with the Jehovah Witnesses. I had to do a paper model fitting for the dress of R. Wednesday is also the day that I clean my house, so while mopping the floor I was playing out all kinds of scenario’s in my mind. Last week I had quite a discussion with them and a reality check with myself. A reality check because even when someone is approaching me with abusive, possessive behaviour I’m still the one who decides to react on that person and I’m the one that needs to find out what this other being triggered inside of me, which constructs were ready to play along.

While cleaning the house further I noticed how useless my efforts were to keep already in advance control over the situation. I simply had to check my standing in reality. So I said STOP to myself for this fountain of pictures and words that were only future projections which can easily become present manifestations. The thing is, when I’m in my mind precooking the event, I’m on top of the conversation and I’ll always win so to speak. After saying STOP the pictures and words disappeared and I was cleaning again.

When they arrived they specifically asked if they were allowed to come in, they did the “I’m so humble act” and the moment they were in my house they acted as usual. I had made the statement, after our last encounter, to not discuss religious matters with them anymore. Also discussing issues where we have/use different definitions are a “no go area”. They started talking about the world of today and I saw their brainwashing. All Jehovah’s must have had a training in which they learn to bring every theme or issue back to Jehova. F. opened “the box of Jehova” and I panicked a little of what to do now and I choose to ignore it and to go on with the conversation. It worked! I was surprised, I was really surprised.

We discussed Tunisia and R. stated that it was the peoples right to rob the elite who had everything unlike the ordinary residents. It was all so unfair. So I asked R. how fair it is that she has a house with all necessary commodities, food and health care while people in third world countries do not have those basics at all. If it is okay for them to come and take R’s “stuff”, because it’s all so unfair. R. stated that it wasn’t unfair for her to have her basics covered, and then she didn’t make the connection to others who do not have their basics covered. It looked almost like a wiring problem. So when people see what happens in the world on their tv, it’s more or less the same as watching a movie. There isn’t a reality check what so ever. Their life’s are separate from the life’s of the rich and the poor elsewhere. The reason that we have more, because others have less doesn’t even occur within most of our imaginations. As a child we understand that when we share a bag of candies with our friend and he takes 2/3 than we get only 1/3. We feel shitty because we know he took more than his fair share and he feels shitty because he took more then his fair share and is afraid you’re going to get your part. Isn’t that the same as the looting in Tunisia, yet when we’re not physically being exposed to this equation ourselves it’s only SF to us?

In a way a nice discussion and again revealing the true nature of men, but I did it again! A big reality check, I went again in a discussion with them and we were not clear on the word “unfair”, so it was a “no go area”. For R. it’s normal that she lives comfortable and that the third world countries exist. To me it’s the candy equation and something I can not allow and accept. I reacted on the fact that she is not willing to see how she, and for that matter we, are the reason why unfairness exists in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself on words that the Jehovah’s and I have different definitions about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated that they are not willing to see that we are the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel panic instead of standing, which indicates that I’m not stable within this point yet.

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Freedom 05/12/2010

Yesterday I wrote about my diet and why I’m doing it in a radical way. Since I found out that I feel myself worthless due to DNA in-heritage, I see all that I do in such a different light. If someone a few years ago had said to me; “Sylvia I experience you as a person who experiences herself as worthless”, I probably would have become quite mad. In other words my ego would have reacted quite strong. Now I can see in self honesty that this feeling of worthlessness sneaks up like a snake and needs to be handled accordingly.

I’m doing the diet as thoroughly as possible within my set points, because I can clearly see that I need to do this for myself. It’s a form of responsibility towards myself, which I’m willing to take at this point in life. Every food type, that’s giving me physical problems, is telling me the story about me, is giving me the tools to release myself from these points and enables me to move on. I’m really grateful for this.

When I started SRA in Januari this year I tested and discovered a lot of things and I became aware of my self-sabotaging thoughts that I had. I did quite a lot of Self-forgiveness on it and it disappeared. Now I can see that these thoughts were just the tip of the iceberg. This feeling of worthlessness expresses itself in so many actions I do or not do. I will take them on one by one, till it’s done. I do not even feel overwhelmed by it as normally. I just know I have to do this period.

My body is reacting extremely and direct when I do not stand within myself, It’s quite heavy but I do not feel it as heavy in the sense of heavy weight on my shoulders. I am finally communicating with myself and that’s something I cherish, it’s the key to my freedom.

 

Synthetic fragrances 14/11/2010

Today I was watching video’s and in the meanwhile I removed a broken zipper out of a dress. The dress was lying on my lap and at a certain moment I wondered what that strong fragrance was. Looking around I noticed that the fragrance came from under my nose. The dress I was repairing had been washed with an amount of washing powder for at least a hundred of these dresses. After sewing the new zipper in, I ironed the dress. The heat reinforced the strong fragrance and by then my nose was filled with the soap scent. When my partner P. came into the room, he said:”What’s smelling so strong and awful in here?” At first I looked at him as if he was speaking Chinese, than I realised that the fragrance had spread through the room.

Here in Italy you can smell immediately when your neighbour has done the laundry, it simply fills the air. After 4 years Italy I cannot remember if the fragrance of the washing powder is stronger here than in Holland. Italians simply use bigger amounts of powder I think, we Dutch people are known for our stinginess so that might be the difference. When we have children over to play we smell them even when they are gone. It’s mostly a fresh fragrance and at least it’s not a heavy sweat scent. Though within this last sentence I can clearly see that this is a polarity of good and bad. The soap fragrance is good and the sweat scent is bad, but in essence they are one of a kind. Both when strong and in big amounts disgusting, both when applied mildly nice and fresh.

I react towards soap fragrances as well as P.. It’s not only soap, also perfume or room/toilet fragrances, deodorant, cleaning soaps etcetera. Reacting is revealing, so I dug into my past to see why I was reacting.

Within my conspiracy and health period I gathered information about fragrances. Synthetic fragrances are bad for ones health, therefore it’s better to avoid them. My mind labeled them as BAD and dangerous. Commercials keep on telling us that fragrances are signs of freshness and cleanness. That’s been taught to me from a young age. Drying yourself with a fresh and clean smelling towel feels nice. Sleeping under your clean washed sheets feels safe and cosy.

It looks like there are two definitions labeled at the same word within my mind and they are active at the same time. The fragrances give me this feeling of nostalgia and at the same time I feel that I’m endangering myself by staying in this fragrance. A struggle so to speak where the feelings according to survival are winning. This results in: doing the laundry with none scented products and no synthetic fragrances in the house. Am I limiting myself here?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to label synthetic fragrances as bad and a endangering for my health.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when laundry has a synthetic fragrance it’s clean.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that make believe cleanness can make me feel safe and cosy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to struggle with two definitions of one word at the same time, which creates chaos and unnecessary struggle that leads to nowhere which takes me out of reality without taking any responsibility and not directing myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and not use any synthetic fragrance products out of fear to become sick.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the feeling of survival when there isn’t a real threat for life and death.

I will no longer participate within the pattern of survival when it comes to synthetic fragrances. I stop, I breathe. I realise that it’s just a scent and only the thoughts of “bad for my health” can make me sick. I will no longer participate within the pattern of survival when it comes to synthetic fragrances. I will simply be neutral and notice if it’s a strong scent or a mild one without extreme reactions towards it. I breathe and direct myself.