Sylvia's writing to freedom

Heaven on earth 18/01/2011

This morning when I opened my Facebook account and watched my wall, it was all love and light. The last couple of days I’ve friended a lot of light workers so I have no right to complain. It’s just that some days my stomach couldn’t stand the amount of love and light and I needed a bucket to empty my stomach contents. I know that I’m simply reacting within such a moment to a part of me that was once part of my personality. I friended them out of the simple fact that I was there where they are now and I am now where they can be, in process.

There is this Scandinavian woman who is posting almost the whole day long these pictures that evoke positive emotions and feelings. In her thank you comments she always includes the word love. Around Christmas it was only mood pictures that she posted at a rapid pace as if she was a  tennis ball machine. Sometimes when I saw her picture I experienced a hint of anger and my secret mind produced comments like: “Does she has nothing better to do all day?” Also here I’m reacting, when I look back at my day at night I often feel that I was inefficient during my day. I could have done so much more, but I didn’t. Also today I did what I had to do and even a little bit more, but the rest of the day I was hibernating in front of the stove. It was cold outside and therefore cold inside and on those days I’m rooted to my stove. Maybe even addicted to the heat.

When I started with Facebook within my I-process, I had already practised commenting on YouTube. So every time when a “friend” wrote something I felt the duty to show them also another way of approaching the topic they were posting. I really did this in self-honesty as it seemed in that moment, but my starting point was one of dishonesty. Again I was reacting and this time towards the topic they were posting. Reacting is working with energy and energy isn’t real, so what is the use of debating something that is originated in something that isn’t even real?

So I stopped and I breathed I can no longer only react to all that is coming by on Facebook. My effectiveness lies in being self-honest and doing what I have to do to get on with my own process. I can only show and share my process with others through blogging and vlogging, reactions on others are indicators to look inside myself and to see what it is within myself that I’m reacting to. Commenting I only do on topics from Desteni people and not because I react on the topic, but simply because I see that I can add something to the discussion. Only then we can do the equality equation and show others how to communicate without wanting something from the other or to boost our ego and personality. It’s really refreshing once we leave competition out of the equation and interact as humans with no hidden agenda in self trust and trust of the other. Heaven on Facebook to practise for heaven on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with emotions and feelings on love and light messages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on other people without seeing that it’s me I ‘m reacting on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and comment from a dishonest starting point.

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From reacting to equality 13/01/2011

Tonight I worked together with my Partner P. on his blog. After not yet having answered the first e-mail P. received an extensive second e-mail from his brother yesterday. P. read it, we read it and the kids listened to it on their request. P. and I , we both had reactions, but we let it sink in to work with it later. That night in bed P. told me that he had quite some emotions and feelings to the presented information in the e-mail of his brother. I told him that he had to write about it to get a clear vision on what it is that’s bothering him. Today I realized that I should be more supportive for him than only telling him what to do. I need to be equal to him and work with him on the issues he has right now, I can’t let him do it all by himself and then commenting on it. When P. came home tonight I suggested to work together on the e-mail and to assist and support him in finding out why he has certain reactions and then in a later stage dig deeper.

 

While working together I realised that my extensive work through the SRA course has given me an advance on P. In fact this wasn’t a point of unequally or separation, just a cool point to help and push P. a little bit further then he would have done when dealing with it alone. Knowing that there is always more underneath the issue one is dealing with. We took baby steps, but it sure is a beginning. Sometimes when P. couldn’t reach out for the point he was looking for or dealing with and where I had an idea what it was all about, I searched within myself for a memory of events that explained the emotion or feeling we were possibly dealing with. Sometimes there was a connection and sometimes there wasn’t. Also this is a cool point to realize that we can only see things through our own eyes and in working together we search for memories/feelings/emotions to relate to each other and bring about a 1+1= 2 equation.

 

Within 15 years of marriage we have been talking things through extensively. Looking back on it now I can see the difference when you do it from the starting point of self-honesty and not to feed your ego to generate energy. This wasn’t the first conversation in this way, but it was the first time helping each other equally within self-honesty, instead of only reacting in self-honesty to each other. Communication without wanting something from the other, other than in the best interest for all. While P. worked through his points I worked through mine. Where this e-mail first was a point of changing my reality through emotions and feelings it’s now an e-mail and a point of few of someone who didn’t use the equality equation nor common sense. I’m no longer judging him for it or blame him for our twisted relationship. I will take responsibility for all my reactions and use that to see where still my ego rules.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another for his opinions, instead of looking inside what my reactions are telling me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within my ego and feel attacked on my personality when someone speaks his mind about me through another person while I know this isn’t true.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in feeling less than the presented information and therefore wanting to take revenge on the writer to feel more than the presented information. While I know that equality can never be reached by participating within a polarity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unsupportive towards P. last night.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame another for not seeing me according to my picture of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated while not being able to communicate effective with P.’s family.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the victim of miscommunication and blaming myself for not being able to be effective enough.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge or blame my brother-in-law for our twisted relationship.

 

 

Freedom 05/12/2010

Yesterday I wrote about my diet and why I’m doing it in a radical way. Since I found out that I feel myself worthless due to DNA in-heritage, I see all that I do in such a different light. If someone a few years ago had said to me; “Sylvia I experience you as a person who experiences herself as worthless”, I probably would have become quite mad. In other words my ego would have reacted quite strong. Now I can see in self honesty that this feeling of worthlessness sneaks up like a snake and needs to be handled accordingly.

I’m doing the diet as thoroughly as possible within my set points, because I can clearly see that I need to do this for myself. It’s a form of responsibility towards myself, which I’m willing to take at this point in life. Every food type, that’s giving me physical problems, is telling me the story about me, is giving me the tools to release myself from these points and enables me to move on. I’m really grateful for this.

When I started SRA in Januari this year I tested and discovered a lot of things and I became aware of my self-sabotaging thoughts that I had. I did quite a lot of Self-forgiveness on it and it disappeared. Now I can see that these thoughts were just the tip of the iceberg. This feeling of worthlessness expresses itself in so many actions I do or not do. I will take them on one by one, till it’s done. I do not even feel overwhelmed by it as normally. I just know I have to do this period.

My body is reacting extremely and direct when I do not stand within myself, It’s quite heavy but I do not feel it as heavy in the sense of heavy weight on my shoulders. I am finally communicating with myself and that’s something I cherish, it’s the key to my freedom.

 

Diet update 04/12/2010

Last Monday I stripped all food and beverages except for water from my diet. I started with carrots Monday and added first slowly a new food type to my diet, now I’m adding a few new food types every meal. The reason for this radical diet was an overall bad feeling in my body and overproducing of mucus and heartburn after eating food. This feeling has been slowly manifesting itself through time, for how long it has been I do not really know, at least half a year. I’m testing the food by eating it and watching if there occurs a physical reaction. If there is a reaction than I’ll test through muscle communication what within this food or the whole food is giving me this reaction. The foods that give me a physical reaction I put on a list to be tested with muscle communication. This to find out what this food is presenting to me, which feelings/emotions/thoughts are attached to it, so I can work it through and diffuse those points. The foods that are now a no way area, can be in the future food that I will eat again. I created this reaction on the food so I can de-create this reaction and move on.

Till so far I have reactions to: potatoes, pineapple, pistache nuts, polenta, two types of beans, wholemeal flower, oregano powder and chili powder. The reactions go from a lot of mucus to heartburn to burping and regurgitation. These heavy reactions I have now, while doing the experiment, I never had before. It’s all really in the face and pointing out to me that I have to take responsibility within these points and direct myself. The further I get in process the more obvious the points are and impossible to get around. I really want to take them on and till so far I’m not even overwhelmed although I have lots of points to work on. I’m here in every moment and take on whatever is possible within that moment and breath.

I’m going to test through the wholemeal flower today to see what it is telling about me and my process.

Trustable is the feeling that is attached to it. After searching for the definition in my dictionary I tested the following sentence; will you trust us till payday? Is this about trust in others or trust in myself? It’s about trust in myself. Has this point anything to do with  my partner P.’s unemployment? Yes, it does. Does it also have to do with the small jobs we do to sustain ourselves wherein we’re always in fear, because of the imbalance of incoming and out going amounts of money? Yes, also this point is valid within the tested feeling of trustable. So I do not trust myself within the point of bringing enough money home to pay the bills? Yes. Is this not trusting a worry that has arisen out of common sense or is it a fear from the mind? Okay it’s a fear coming from the mind, therefore not real.  Indeed not real, because I started DIP and are the recruiter of two recruits, so in time the more recruits there will be, my income will increase.

To give myself more clarity I tested for a book and found the following piece; “Intellectually I know that no task is too big for Self. But emotionally I’m just not sure. Not so much if Self can handle it, but more if Self will intervene”. Where I put the word Self the book said God. I tested if I could replace God with Self and it tested for yes. My interpretation of this is as following; in common sense I know that no task is too big/heavy for myself, but my mind gives me these fears that make me “think” that I will fail. Than I’m doubting if I will act when things get too though.

This is really cool, the point of unemployment was obvious already in my face. The underlining emotion was not really in my face. So these sudden food reactions are helping me through the most important points right now. Wow I’m really grateful for this process I’m giving myself!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the food types I listed till so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to trust myself within the job point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my capability of earning enough money to sustain myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to earn enough money to sustain myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not trusting myself within earning money, while I know that this fear is of the mind and will only limit myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fear so I limit myself within earning enough money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself when it comes to acting and intervening when things get though.