This morning while picking up the bathroom scale I had this memory flash of buying this particularly scale from Ikea. We already had a scale, one with a clock face, a manual one. Every time when I stood on the scales I didn’t trust the amount of kilo’s it was pointing out to me. A nice one actually, I didn’t trust that what was pointed out to me and didn’t want to look at the clock face for being confronted with the actuality of that moment. So what does a well programmed being in such a situation? Desiring for another scale, one that is precise and never lies. Ooh Sylvia what were you wishing for? So after repeatedly asking my partner P. when he drove by an Ikea to bring home a digital bathroom scale, finally we bought one when we were together at Ikea. I felt like a kid with a handfull of candies. When we came home I tried the scale, I wasn’t the first one and I wasn’t that eager. I had formed this idea that a digital scale never makes mistakes, it probably doesn’t make mistakes, but was that the point I was dealing with? I stilled the desire for a trustful scale, but did I still the trust within myself?
When I, at the age of 21, followed my self made diet I didn’t have a scale, I simply watched my body and how I was fitting into my clothes. Back then I convinced myself that I didn’t need a scale, which was kind of looking the other way and having a back door in case I didn’t loose that an amount of weight as I desired. I became skinny on a strict though varied diet, not that I was fat to begin with, but as every women I had these pictures in my head of what was preferable when it came to body image and what not. My parents thought I was too skinny and prey to all kinds of flues and colds. I didn’t see myself as too skinny I was on the look for a man. Till so far I hadn’t been successful with the body image I had and with finding a stable relationship, so common sense for me in that moment was to change the outside.
After birthing my 2 children my body was dilapidated, a belly muscle torn and was irreparable. I didn’t like my body and I had hoped for more elastic skin. I compared myself with girlfriends who were like an elastic band, they gained back their old figure after a few weeks. It took me a few years and even then it wasn’t as before. I could have compared myself with girlfriends who never got into their normal figure again, but I choose not. It had to do with the perfect body image picture inside of my mind. If I had only known that I was chasing ghost, a never achievable picture inside my mind, and I was due to fail.
When I became a mom programs started to run which I allowed to led me make always the choice for healthy food. My environment was praising me for being a good mom while both my kids were very difficult eaters. This made me go further into this health construct, if the kids were eating almost nothing then it had to be healthy food. Years went by and I didn’t see that I was involved within a pattern and what I was heading for. The day arrived when I decided that my family was going almost raw. The missing piece of the puzzle. P. loved to eat salads and the kids liked their veggies only raw and also to me this “diet” appealed. Why did it appeal? Within the research I had done on going raw I had seen flashes of loosing weight as side effect. I saw that I was finally able to loose some weight, even the scale was my friend again. I felt healthy and I was happy with my body image.
At the time that I started participating on the Desteni open forum I realised that my mind had been tricking me into this health construct and that I had allowed and accepted it. Various emotions came along to be dealt with, regret, shame, anger etc. Also this was a side effect of what I was really dealing with. I bought the digital scale and almost never used it afterwards. It was me not trusting myself and hiding away from this fact. When looking at myself in the mirror I often saw a strange person that didn’t fit the picture in my mind of this slim perfect lady. I didn’t trust myself to ever become this picture and I didn’t trust myself with food. I never ate compulsive, but did ate too much or too little I hadn’t yet established self trust within my food intake. Now I occasionally muscle communicate to see if I’m on the right track and I am. I still eat too much now and then, but I know this already before I eat it and do it intentionally, which gives me the opportunity to investigate what’s going on.
The picture I see of myself in reality now is who I am in that moment. It changes along with the phase I’m in within my process. Shaving my head has assisted me immensely to be able to see myself without all kinds of decoration. Just a step in the right direction, it was fun to search through my memories after the flash back of the bathroom scale. I aslo see that I have still a lot of loose ends, but in time I will pick them up and adress them. Step by step.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust what I point out to myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face the actuality of the moment while being confronted with my weight
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief my idea that a digital scale never lies and that I therefore need such a tool to give me trust that I can not find inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a back door while dieting to prevent regret and failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that changing my body image would resolve all underlining issues.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that after birthing 2 kids I would be cool with a dilapidated body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be trapped within a health construct.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that going raw was good so I could loose weight and gain my perfect body weight.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and ever become the picture in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself with food.