Sylvia's writing to freedom

The bathroom scale 03/02/2011

This morning while picking up the bathroom scale I had this memory flash of buying this particularly scale from Ikea. We already had a scale, one with a clock face, a manual one. Every time when I stood on the scales I didn’t trust the amount of kilo’s it was pointing out to me. A nice one actually, I didn’t trust that what was pointed out to me and didn’t want to look at the clock face for being confronted with the actuality of that moment. So what does a well programmed being in such a situation? Desiring for another scale, one that is precise and never lies. Ooh Sylvia what were you wishing for? So after repeatedly asking my partner P. when he drove by an Ikea to bring home a digital bathroom scale, finally we bought one when we were together at Ikea. I felt like a kid with a handfull of candies. When we came home I tried the scale, I wasn’t the first one and I wasn’t that eager. I had formed this idea that a digital scale never makes mistakes,  it probably doesn’t make mistakes, but was that the point I was dealing with? I stilled the desire for a trustful scale, but did I still the trust within myself?

When I, at the age of 21, followed my self made diet I didn’t have a scale, I simply watched my body and how I was fitting into my clothes. Back then I convinced myself that I didn’t need a scale, which was kind of looking the other way and having a back door in case I didn’t loose that an amount of weight as I desired. I became skinny on a strict though varied diet, not that I was fat to begin with, but as every women I had these pictures in my head of what was preferable when it came to body image and what not. My parents thought I was too skinny and prey to all kinds of flues and colds. I didn’t see myself as too skinny I was on the look for a man. Till so far I hadn’t been successful with the body image I had and with finding a stable relationship, so common sense for me in that moment was to change the outside.

After birthing my 2 children my body was dilapidated, a belly muscle torn and was irreparable. I didn’t like my body and I had hoped for more elastic skin. I compared myself with girlfriends who were like an elastic band, they gained back their old figure after a few weeks. It took me a few years and even then it wasn’t as before. I could have compared myself with girlfriends who never got into their normal figure again, but I choose not. It had to do with the perfect body image picture inside of my mind. If I had only known that I was chasing ghost, a never achievable picture inside my mind, and I was due to fail.

When I became a mom programs started to run which I allowed to led me make always the choice for healthy food. My environment was praising me for being a good mom while both my kids were very difficult eaters. This made me go further into this health construct, if the kids were eating almost nothing then it had to be healthy food. Years went by and I didn’t see that I was involved within a pattern and what I was heading for. The day arrived when I decided that my family was going almost raw. The missing piece of the puzzle. P. loved to eat salads and the kids liked their veggies only raw and also to me this “diet” appealed. Why did it appeal? Within the research I had done on going raw I had seen flashes of loosing weight as side effect. I saw that I was finally able to loose some weight, even the scale was my friend again. I felt healthy and I was happy with my body image.

At the time that I started participating on the Desteni open forum I realised that my mind had been tricking me into this health construct and that I had allowed and accepted it. Various emotions came along to be dealt with, regret, shame, anger etc. Also this was a side effect of what I was really dealing with. I bought the digital scale and almost never used it afterwards. It was me not trusting myself and hiding away from this fact. When looking at myself in the mirror I often saw a strange person that didn’t fit the picture in my mind of this slim perfect lady. I didn’t trust myself to ever become this picture and I didn’t trust myself with food. I never ate compulsive, but did ate too much or too little I hadn’t yet established self trust within my food intake. Now I occasionally muscle communicate to see if I’m on the right track and I am. I still eat too much now and then, but I know this already before I eat it and do it intentionally, which gives me the opportunity to investigate what’s going on.

The picture I see of myself in reality now is who I am in that moment. It changes along with the phase I’m in within my process. Shaving my head has assisted me immensely to be able to see myself without all kinds of decoration. Just a step in the right direction, it was fun to search through my memories after the flash back of the bathroom scale. I aslo see that I have still a lot of loose ends, but in time I will pick them up and adress them. Step by step.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust what I point out to myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face the actuality of the moment while being confronted with my weight

.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief my idea that a digital scale never lies and that I therefore need such a tool to give me trust that I can not find inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a back door while dieting to prevent regret and failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that changing my body image would resolve all underlining issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that after birthing 2 kids I would be cool with a dilapidated body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be trapped within a health construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that going raw was good so I could loose weight and gain my perfect body weight.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and ever become the picture in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself with food.

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Where dead birds drop on your head… 09/01/2011

Today after many times skipping my walk around the block I walked again. The weather has been awful, but that’s a lame excuse. I know that every time after not walking for a while I sort of regret it. Which is in fact a stupid or ineffective way to live my life, to not act then later regret it and not seeing or understanding the point why I didn’t act in the first place. I would say a very difficult way to handle myself.

So we walked, there was this soft warm breeze and a nice 12 degrees Celsius. I felt the wind touching the skin of my face and I felt here within reality. Every step I did was a connection with the earth, every breath and every step. Yes this is what life feels like even if life is a fuckin horrendous creation of our minds. Real reality is something I prefere nowadays over my mind reality. Maybe I can be and do anything within my mind and believe that it is without consequences, being here in every breath is making it possible to change and see/experience the real difference these changes bring.

A short while ago I thought that I had shingles again, fear took me in it’s grip. This time I saw the nasty fucker coming, it sneaked out of my solar plexus to get his hand on my throat. I stopped and decide not to play along with this fear. So I choose reality over mind, then I forgave myself for participating within this fear. I had started lubricating the spot on my cheek with anti-viral cream and did so for 2 days. It never came to anything, it faded away and I witnessed me standing up for myself within not participating in this fear and standing up in the best interest of all. Just not participating in the pre-programming and the unified field is acting in the best interest of all. It takes only 1 moment to change and it takes many moments to change our world, but we have this power and self-trust to be more than robots to be the improved version of ourselves.

Who isn’t seeing that our world is in serious problems is simply doomed, who does see the atrocities and compounding events needs to stand up and no longer hide in fear. Fear has never liberated anybody so far in history so what would make you the first? Wouldn’t it be nice to walk without fear and feel the wind touching your skin and to be proud on the world you walk in? Or would you prefer a world where dead birds drop on your head, where viruses are ruling and everybody is acting from ego grabbing around them in greed and self-interest? To me this isn’t even a choice it’s crystal clear that I want to leave a world behind that is capable of giving all life a dignified life. Be 1 vote for world equality together with me and show the strength that’s within you, roll up your sleeves and build a better world!