Sylvia's writing to freedom

Closing my mind construct with a dream 08/01/2012

After working on my last Mind Construct within a series of MC’s, I realized as I always do how I’ve been deluding myself, lost myself within side paths and absolutely not having taken self-responsibility. One realization that made me look further into my current physical reality, in order to correct myself right away, was the point of wanting to control my environment out of fear of loss. I realized that I had been controlling through manipulation and dishonesty throughout my life to sooth this fear of loss inside of myself, which obviously didn’t work  and I made myself go even deeper into this pattern of control. So the realization I had was to stop the control and to self-direct my life, it sounds so simple and it amazed me that I hadn’t figured it out before, but then again how could I while being busy controlling and being blinded by fear. So the veil lifted for a moment and I saw clear and within that moment it made a deep impact on me and I made the commitment to change myself within this point of control when it would occur again within my physical reality.

Then my partner P. told me that our friend E. had suggested to come together with all Italian Destonians at our place. The first response I had was; when are they planning to come and are they planning on staying over? Before, I would see this as a highly positive characteristic of my personality, to always be prepared and organize things. Now after speaking the words I saw how I was trying to control my world with so called practical issues. P. responded with I have no idea, the plan so far is to gather together then we will see  how to fill it in. I remember this was a point of irritation that P. didn’t know what was exactly going to happen. I could not even enjoy in that moment what was shared with me I was pre-occupied with the future to come. On top of a feeling of misery of not knowing what was exactly going to happen I spit out the following phrase; hopefully they do not expect of me that I’ll speak about my process in Italian, because I’m not an Italian in that way, I’m a foreigner in Italy who can’t express herself that refined. At that point P. started mirroring back what I had said. It became all clear to me, but yet not clear enough that I could stop and correct myself before even speaking these words.

Also a point within this MC was my life in Italy and how I’m dealing with the language. Not being able to correct myself in that moment or even before, was like being told how my new computer works and now having to run it on my own. I knew how, but I had to correct myself on the fly or afterwards. So I saw how I was manipulating, blaming and judging myself and everyone else for only one reason; controlling my reality. I said to myself, look this way it isn’t going to work, you’ve done that for a long time and it didn’t work, so time for a change and start directing yourself within your life. And that was the point where I left the day for what it was and went to bed.

Although I do not remember many dreams I have or even do not know that I dream, this dream was quite vivid. It started in a loft that I didn’t recognize but it had the kitchen like our last neighbors in Holland had and my red couch was there. I was sitting on the couch with my partner P. and our friend E. and A. a new member of the group. We were discussing stuff and every time there came more people into the room, some I vaguely recognized others not. After a while there were a lot of people in the loft and I felt irritation coming up, but it was more a feeling of being controlled by the situation. Then one guy opened the door and said something, on which we all reacted with;  wow that’s an abuser he needs to be blocked. Before I knew it E. jumped off the couch and took all of a sudden her black long hair off and showed a blond buz cut underneath while she started confronting the “abuser” with what he had done.

Then the dream jumps in time and it’s the next morning, all people are still there. Most women are standing around a massive sink doing their hair and brushing their teeth. Oh and I was walking around naked and I stated that I wasn’t going to do things different from normal, those uninvited people had to get used to my way of doing.This is funny because I do not walk around my house naked all day. Then one woman comes up to me and asks if I have oil or something to put in her hair to remove the tangles. That was the moment where I exploded due to the heavy feeling of being controlled by the situation. I asked her how the hell she dared to ask me such a question as if I was a store or something. The woman disappeared and I left the room on the loft full of frustration.

I went over the hallway towards another room at the other end of the loft. I stepped into a room that was darkish yet lightened with a bed light. I went in and then I realized that I had gone into the room of the son of the lady I clean for. So I turned around to leave the room noiseless and leave the kid in peace. At that moment I was calmed down a bit and decided to go downstairs. The hallway and the stairs looked like the one in my current house only one level higher and therefore things felt familiar again.

I decided to stop this madness and move myself downstairs, yet whenever I tried to put my foot forward to go down the stairs the step disappeared or went down out of my reach. Frustration came up again and the fear of not being able to leave this situation that I experienced as controlling me. Then I took a deep breath and said to myself you do not need to control this stairway you need to direct yourself. I held onto the guardrail and with my eyes closed I reached with one leg down and with the tip of my toe I searched for the step to be felt. And I did feel the step, I took it and did the same action again and again. At that point I woke up saying to myself, I need to direct myself and no longer wanting to control my environment.

That was quite a cool dream full of symbolism and confirming my self corrective statement about control versus self-direction. The first part of the dream the situation was controlling me, because I let it control me. The only way I dealt with the situation was fighting the situation and trying to control it to be in power of my reality. The fighting I saw by being naked and all others in clothes, not wanting all these people in my house without inviting them and therefore reacting snabby at the lady who asked for oil. Then when I tried to escape my urge to control and left the room full of people, I went into this childrens bedroom and again entering a situation that I hadn’t come up with myself. Calming down and leaving noiseless to control the stairs and then finally getting the message that controlling and fighting isn’t the way to live within the system. Only at the point where I trusted myself and saw myself as a stable factor I became confident enough to direct myself and  to move from moment to moment from breath to breath.

The next day when my partner P. was out working I decided to take the cat on a walk how P. and I always do when he’s home. I asked my son if he wanted to join, though he wasn’t interested. Then I asked my daughter and neither she was interested. I looked at myself and said: you are again controlling your reality by manipulating others into joining you and the cat on a walk, you can do the walk yourself. For a moment I decided not to take the walk and then I said to myself: direct yourself and take a walk if that is in the best interest of all. And I decided it was and of we went the cat and I.

Do you want to learn how to interpret your dreams? Join us at the Desteni forum at www.desteni.org or start a course to learn to know yourself and direct yourself at www.desteniiprocess.com. In the Eqafe store there is lots of videos and books to educate yourself. Have fun.

Advertisements
 

Discipline 02/02/2011

We’ve been showing over decades to our world and ourselves that we humans have a hard time directing ourselves. Directing ourselves in an effective, structured way, realizing that every movement, thought and energy driven action has consequences within our physical reality. Mostly we need others to give direction to our life’s, our partner, our boss, our hobby, our parents, our children, our animals, our friends, our traditions  and of course our internet. We have no clue what it really means to give direction to ourselves. If we had a clue our world wouldn’t be the way it is today.

We lack discipline, self discipline. At this point older people will probably agree with me, the most populair phrase amongst the elderly is, the youth nowadays does not know what it is to work hard and doing what they need to do. There might be some valid points in this statement, but we may not forget that the starting point for the elderly amongst us was one of fear. Fear for their boss, who was definitely more than them, when they came in late or didn’t work hard enough. That’s not self direction that’s self abuse and acceptance of an abusive money system called capitalism.

The soldier will say that he knows what self discipline is, but he’s only serving money in the manifestation of his superior general. The  light worker will say that he knows what self discipline is, but he’s only meditating till he blows his brains out and provide him with his next energetic shot. The athlete will say that he knows what self discipline is, but he’s training and competing for both energy and money.

Self discipline is directing self without any stimuli from outside and no mind related directions. You get out of bed in the morning not because you feel like it or don’t feel like it out of fear to be late at work. You put on the proper clothes for your work/day and according to the weather outside you pick your clothes, you do not bother if they are fashionable or reflecting your personality. You do your job, because you need money for your basic needs. You eat that amount of food which will support your body and not according to your emotions. You stay during your day within the physical reality and your presents, simply because you need yourself here. You act during your day in common sense and according to what’s best for all. You reflect upon your day just before you go to bed and sleep to check if you have to forgive yourself and apply any corrective statements. You do this all just out of the simple reason that you self direct yourself because you are life.

Earth is capable of directing itself by living according the 4 seasons. Nature is directing itself without acting on emotions and feelings. Life is directing itself and never gives up, only we give up on life. What is wrong with us that we are, the so called superior group on this planet, that’s lost inside ourselves? We never learned and were not programmed to direct ourselves, which doesn’t mean that it can’t be done. It’s the responsibility for all that we are which we think we do not have to take, also this is programming. With some DIY we can de-program ourselves and through discipline we can direct ourselves.YES WE CAN!

To me self discipline has been proven essential to do my process. Living my life from the starting point of what is best for all. Always applying the equality equation to see in a common sensical disciplined way if we all benefit from what I do as individual on this planet. I might seem insignificant to the whole, but all individuals together show if the equation is done effectively. Till so far the whole has failed. Therefore I need to apply in a disciplined way my applications and tools. One of the tools I use to share myself and spread awareness is through blogging. Showing others that I struggle with the same issues as they are and show them what I do about it. Even if I can reach out to one person it’s cool even if I do not reach out to anybody, I in fact reach out to myself and direct self through the experience of daily blogging.

 

How can I not see the importance? 09/11/2010

How can I not see the importance of learning Italian? For quite some time now, to be precise 4 years, I’ve been doing a lot of smooth talking about why I wasn’t able to learn Italian on a certain level. The importance to learn Italian is now unfolding to me more and more. How could I be so blind? Through writing this question out, I see that I’m blaming myself knowing that blaming won’t turn back the clock and isn’t an action of self direction.

Before we immigrated I did a course for about one and a half year in Holland. We mainly learned how to be able to speak Italian on a holiday, so I had a base, but it didn’t provide me with a practical use of the language for day to day living. So I labeled the course as insufficient and not what I was looking for. Finger pointing of course and shoving off responsibility. Since many years I tell myself that I don’t have a big talent for learning languages, like my mom. It’s obvious that I lived this opinion, but I haven’t changed anything about it till so far.

I was told that most villages in Italy have free Italian courses. The town we moved to didn’t have the courses anymore. I started to study my old books again and used dvd’s from a friend, but I didn’t have any real commitment. Than a friend of us, who is also school teacher, was willing to give private lessons twice a week. I did this for about a year, my Italian improved, but still no 100% commitment and I had really high expectations of myself. Of course I didn’t live up to my expectations, so back to blaming myself again. Useless of course and again not a real motivation to direct myself. We moved to another village and I started free lessons at the town hall twice a week. I met a lot of nice people who were in my class, but I didn’t learn anything new and I started to get bored with the lessons. A total lack of responsibility here. It’s me who has to make such an event into something worthwhile for me, I can’t just blame the teacher. The next year I didn’t go and used an excuse to not have to disappoint the teacher. During this year I didn’t do anything with the language except for speaking it in public and getting corrected by my partner P. all the time. I hated it, because he was constantly confronting me with my lack of effort to learn Italian. I started to dislike the language, made stupid comments about it, only to hide my sense of inferiority towards this language. Last September I decided that I couldn’t go on like this anymore, I’m frustrating myself and my surroundings. People do not easily start a conversation with me except for the weather and housekeeping issues. I feel like a four year old when trying to express myself. Till now I wasn’t willing to let my partner P. lecture me. He’s almost a native speaker and likes to teach, SO WHY DON’T YOU WORK WITH WHAT’S HERE? Excuses and excuses. I cannot be taught by my spouse, we probably will get into an argument. BLA BLA BLA. Maybe  he doesn’t want to teach me? All future projections. So I didn’t allow any bullshit anymore and I asked P. if he was willing to teach me. Yes, why not he said. I also asked our American friends A&J to join the lessons, they can also use some language boost. For me it’s perfect to team up with them and at the same time while learning Italian I learn some more English. They liked the idea to do it in a group to feel some more responsibility towards the group to keep the level up and do our homework.

Since A&J are not available for lessons till half November, P. and I decided to start already in October. The first time went pretty well, I did some tests to show P. at what level I’m exactly at. At the end our daughter A. started to interfere and laughed about my mistakes and the sentences in the book that were all wrong on purpose. I realised that my ego was bruised, it was like I had competed with her and lost. I noticed myself to becoming crossed with her. Something she didn’t deserve. I asked her not to be like that. Horrible now I come to think of it. I forbid her to express herself, because my ego was too big. The second time went well till the point that P. said: “Your verbs are lousy, you simply need to learn them”. My mind wanted to shut down and I started yawning. Learning my verbs means putting in effort and full commitment, which I’m clearly not planning to do yet. The third time we postponed it and I deliberately did not think about it that week. The fourth time we simply didn’t do it and this evening I’m writing out my pattern. Next week A&J will join in and I want to be ready without any resistances.

I feel like I can not be trusted if it comes to this point. I let this point disable me to work as an interior designer like I did in Holland. I let it disable me to get a nice job, to build up a social network, to express myself, to do my own translations of my articles, to do video’s in Italian, to be ready for politics or awareness building within society. I disabled myself to be an effective being within the system. How can I promote an Equal Money System here in Italy when I’m not being able to express myself in Italian? I can imagine, Berlusconi asking me all kinds of nasty questions and I’m not able to answer any of it, a big laughing audience to complete the whole scene.

I muscle tested wich underlying emotion was causing my resistance and I tested out for; lowness. Meaning: in a low position, low value, inferiority towards the language. Also the emotion; suppressed tested out. Meaning suppressing these emotions of lowness and expressing this in nonchalance and lack of a 100% commitment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being able to see how much was depending on me learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself while knowing that blaming is not a solution in itself. Self direction and self honesty will make me act and move myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to finger point at the Dutch course while not taking any responsibility myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m the same as my mom and not good at learning languages. Therefore I lived this believe/opinion while it wasn’t me.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to change my opinion about me being bad at languages.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad when it comes to learning languages.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed about the fact that there was no Italian course within our village.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not give a 100% commitment when it comes to learning Italian.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have high expectations of myself while I never tested those expectations in reality, therefore I was measuring myself according to a idea.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not being good enough and not living up to my expectations.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get bored with the free Italian lessons and not taking any responsibility within it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for my lack of participation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use an excuse to say no to the free Italian lessons, instead of being transparent and honest.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate being corrected by P. while in fact I was being confronted with my lack of commitment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to dislike the Italian language to hide my feeling of inferiority towards the language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to frustrate myself and my surroundings and put myself in a lower position within society.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to work with what is here when it comes to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project all kinds of ideas into the future about what could have happend.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel as if my ego was bruised while A. made some comments.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself for being in  a competition with A. when it comes to the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be crossed with A. because she was expressing herself and my ego couldn’t handle it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to yawn when I’m confronted with the lack of commitment when it comes to learning my verbs.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to postpone the lessons because I didn’t feel like doing them due to my resistances. As if my resistances are a valuable excuse to not do the lessons.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be trusted with this language point and therefore disabling myself to be an effective being within society.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel the emotion of lowness and suppressing this emotion of lowness. Wherein the outflow of this all is the lack of commitment and a nonchalant attitude towards learning the language.

I will no longer suppress the emotion of lowness and be inferior to the Italian language, because I realise that I’m sabotaging myself and my effectiveness within society with this behavior. Therefore I breathe an stop and will no longer participate within this pattern.