Sylvia's writing to freedom

Hair 02/10/2011

Approximately 1,5 year ago I shaved my head to stand for world equality and to give my visible vote for an Equal Money System. I faced quite some fears and it took me almost 3 months to get ready and shave. Within those three months I looked at the fears I had and did Self-Forgiveness on them, but only within my physical reality I could face my own effectiveness within my application of SF and had to correct myself further within the physical. Since I’m living as a foreigner in a small Catholic village in central Italy my villagers were not really enthusiastic to say the least when I shaved my head. A woman here in rural Italy is one with long dark hair, high heels, cleavage and most preferred a short skirt. Not that I fitted in this description before I shaved my head, but at least I had hair and they could still refer to me as a woman. The day I shaved the speculations started and I wouldn’t be surprised if some people made some sort of a bet on it. I had just gone through an event of bullying at school with my daughter A. which was in essence rasism and people started to ask if I had too much grief about this event that I shaved my head. A nice one and really dramatic, I hadn’t thought of that one as a reason for shaving ones head. Then the rumour started that I was suffering from cancer and was refusing to wear a wig. Though the final conclusion was that I had lost it for most of the population and the few that really went in conversation with me admired me, but couldn’t see any salvation of our current world within the words I spoke. Lots and lots of people got neck pains, a national Italian disease, due to looking after me when I was passing by. The people that I could look in the face had always a look of intense disgust. I made flyers to explain myself, but basically I was stuck in a polarity between admiration and disgust of my villagers and I decided not to go along with that and therefore kept my head neatly shaved for 1,5 year.

A bald head was the first way of approaching my head and me in a way that it didn’t cause friction within me.The moment I shaved of my hair and I looked in the mirror I saw ME as I understand ME within my current process. No hair anymore gave me the opportunity to look beyond my personalities, who were still there, but couldn’t be connected to my hair anymore. With the hair also my clothes changed into more comfortable clothes. I even went for a walk today with a combination of a flower skirt and a flower t-shirt that totally didn’t match in colour and pattern. There were times that I would have bothered about such a thing and would feel insecure. For a moment I hesitated if it was the “right” thing to do. I concluded that it was bullshit to not go for a walk around the block in 2 garments that are really comfortable to wear and tested it out in my reality. I’m still alive and after the first meters I forgot all about my non stylish outfit. So the shaving is a statement , but it also helped me through a lot of issues within my physical reality. Therefore I had no intensions to let it grow again.

Till the moment that my sewing business was not really running well. My neighbor from across the street, who does the same work as I, said after I asked her how business was going, it’s a bad period for us all. Though here in Italy nobody is very direct in his/hers answers so it could mean that she had still enough work and didn’t want to hurt me and came up with this answer or she really had less clients. I saw how people were avoiding me in the village and the clients I still have do really not care about me having hair or no hair. So I decided to investigate this point within my physical reality and let my hair grow till a point that I felt comfortable with.

The first day that I went to my grocery shop with an almost crew cut, the lady of the shop suddenly started talking to me and making friendly faces. I  was surprised, I always perceived this lady as a grumpy woman that hardly looked me in the eyes. Then a friend of mine asked in this special way if she was right about me letting my hair grow, as if she asked me if I was pregnant, the same tonality was in her voice. It was as if suddenly I was again part of the zombies, my hair made me again part of the club of zombies. I knew that we humanity are hypocrites, but this was a firm confirmation.

I let my hair grow till it was about 1,5 centimeter long. I noticed that on top of my head the hair was growing in the air like little antennes and the hair on my sides and on my occiput was growing flat against my head. This gave my head this oval shape. I suddenly didn’t see ME anymore and a not deliberately hairstyle developed. I saw resistance within me and points that I hadn’t taken on yet about me having hair and being defined by my hair style. I no longer could rinse my hair without being grassy and  also resisted using shampoo again. So I had to make a plan about what I wanted to do with my hair and head. I decided to let it grow just a few millimeter which gives this idea of hair on my head, but it’s easy to manage without soap and makes people more at ease while being in my presence. It’s a decision I made in the moment and will be valid as long as I can be self-honest within it.

Perceiving myself as a person with hair again, I walked with my daughter A. in one of the nearby towns, wearing a skirt and t-shirt with cleavage. To me I was, without desiring it, dressed in an Italian adapted way. Till the moment that A. said to me, come on mom cross the street I’m already at the shop what is taking you so long? What took me so long was this retired man that started to walk towards me, over a distance of 500 meter, like a magnet. He was staring at me and couldn’t get his face in another direction and I had to step backwards to not been over-walked. I heard him mumble, a lady without hair? So I  hurried across the street and while I looked behind me to see how the man was doing, I saw that he almost did a 180 degrees owl turn to look after me. I was astonished, he said a lady without hair, so I was still considered as having no hair? We found out that we had gone to the wrong shop and had to cross the square where the retired man with his pels was hanging around in front of the medieval town hall. I heard them gossip and almost gasping for air while seeing a lady with hair that didn’t count as having hair.  It was all very entertaining to me and A. as these men revealed in one breath a long and rich tradition of how women should be.

I’m still one vote for an Equal Money System and world equality, nothing changed except I’m more with 2 feet on the ground again and traded guessing about how people would perceive me, with research within my physical reality. As my life and my process will develop so will my view on hair develop. For now the best approach, and still be able to reach out to most people, is to have a crew cut. And not to place myself outside the society I live in, due to inflexible opinions. I’m not going to fight the system, I’m going to work with the system and use the system to bring change. A change that we all know is necessary, but we’re too afraid that change never will happen. Investigate your reality and test your opinions and believes, you might be surprised about what you find.

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I’m one vote for no sugar 11/09/2011

Since 6 days I’m on a sugar, wheat and yeast free diet. I always perceived myself as someone that was a low sugar user, since I almost banned refined sugars. Almost, because by replacing sugar with honey, I thought I did a great job. In a way I did a great job, but all the ready products I bought almost all contained refined sugars. Sometimes written on the label by the manufacturer and sometimes disguised under vague terms. The same goes for wheat and yeast, it’s simply  a challenging task to find and buy products that are sugar, wheat and yeast free. Maybe when one lives in a big city or outside Italy one is more accessible to a variety of these products, here I’m assigned to make my own food all from scratch. Lucky enough I like to cook and trying out new tastes, therefore the preparation time including eating of 2 to 3 hours for dinner isn’t  a real problem to me other than wanting to do more in a day than possible.

My partner P. and I went to the nearest organic shop to buy some new basics for our diet. The organic shop is here the only place to find diet products. So we started reading the labels to see what we could buy and what not. Things made of spelt, millet, kamut, barley or brown rice are okay, but we needed it to be yeast and sugar free too. It is a small shop and half of the shop contains food and the other half herbalists products for the outer body. Our choices were extensively narrowed down, but we kept up our courage. We left the shop with rice and kamut crackers, dry beans, brown rice, spelt pasta, multi vitamins and a probiotic cure. The prices in these shops are astronomical high as if one has to pay for the high quality this type of food supposedly has.

This whole turn around in our diet and even life style came about when I found out that I had a candida albican overgrowth infection. First I didn’t understand what was happening to me and I started investigating the symptoms at the internet. I still define myself as a hypochondriac so a lot of fears moved inside me. The moment I found out what it was that was happening to my body, I couldn’t understand why I had this condition. I started investigating on forums and found out that many with me suffer from this condition. I also found an old forum tread at Desteni.co.za which explained me a lot what the nature of this condition is and I could see how this for me is a form of self-sabotage and not speaking up,  immediately some points came up which recently had occurred. A chat with Sunette made it also clear that to master this condition the key is in the food.

I choose not to take the conventional medical road since all the comments I had read stated that with medication it went away for a small period of time to reoccur again. Ant-biotics was in most cases doing more harm than good and since I live in a country where doctors prescribe toddlers already anti-biotic cures as if it was lemonade, I feared going to my doctor and having to refuse his medical advise. This point is based in experience, since I had shingles 1,5 year ago, and got my first anti-biotic cure. This cure made me so sick, I had a constant diarrea and was nauseous the whole time and afterwards I took a probiotic cure from Bayer. I was still weak and this memory is still quite vivid in my mind. So yes I moved myself in the physical through memory/experience and knowledge and information. So I made an agreement with myself that when things wouldn’t clear up and improve I would still go and see my doctor.

The diet together with some other remedies as tea tree oil has reduced the symptoms already within a week. The diet however is going to take 2 to 3 months to kill the bacteria that turned into a harmful fungus, for ever. After reading what the outflows are of this condition, and wow, did I recognize some things that I perceived as normal or as of my body. An infection like this I’ve never experienced, this time all conditions were seemingly right to attack my body.

With this diet one starves the fungus by not giving it any form of sugar. It’s almost like a contest of who has the most patience. When this fungus is dying it excretes toxics that will be felt as dis-ease for the body. I experienced some headaches and overall misery. I do not miss the sugar in my diet, no cravings for sugar so to speak. While looking into this condition on the internet I found that our central nervous system when it receives these signals of toxics that are excreted into the body, is ignoring the fact that these toxics have to be cleaned up by the liver and instead sends signals to crave for sugar. So in a way the central nervous system is working against the well being of our body when the candida dies off. This sounds like self-sabotage, pre-programmed self-sabotage. Through taking the dis-eases as a failure in the system and not giving in to sweet cravings one can get pass this point of the central nervous system. Like tricking your own body for it’s own good, that’s quite a fuck up and life in reverse.

I’m going to work with the points that opened up through this condition and keep my diet for a while. I simply have to, self-abuse or sabotage is something that is unacceptable as any other abuse in this world. In order to dissolve the point I will use Self-Forgiveness to get things clearly into perspective to be able to apply Self-Correction.

 

Is my child having sex? 06/07/2011

This blog is removed due to the misuse of Desteni-haters, for the ones that would like to read this blog it’s available on the Desteni-site. On the Desteni forums haters are not allowed, we stand for what’s best for all and abusing personal information does not fit our principle.

http://www.desteni.co.za

 

A revealing ride on a dirt road 02/03/2011

My daughter A. asked me if she and her brother J. were allowed to go playing at their friends house. Yes of course I said, and then A. said:” But you need to drive us there.” And indeed I was the only adult available who could drive them to their friends house and I wasn’t really unwilling to do so, yet I felt resistances. For a split second I noticed that my mind was searching for excuses and making this event of dropping of the kids into something heavy. The same split second I called myself to order and saw what was really bothering me, the dirt road.

The dirt road I fear. The dirt road is a 800 m long sandy road with a few sharp bends and with different heights. Already when taking this road to the house when driving on the main road is a 180 degrees bend and goes steep down. After all the snow we had and now a rainy period the road is turned into a dirt road and the bends are more like a swamp. I am driving a 4 x4 Feroza jeep from Daihatsu, so that’s a safe pair of wheels under my ass. It’s not so much the car I fear, it’s more fearing myself within driving on steep muddy roads.

So I took the kids and thought I’d got myself over the fear, but instead suppressed it, and drove away. While taking the bend and driving unto the dirt road I had already this ominous feeling, but suppressed it by saying: “don’t be so silly”. The road was as muddy as always and before I knew it I was on top of the hill in front of the house. The kids got out, I turned and took the dirt road back to the main road. Already after the first bend going steep down and entering this little valley, my eyes were fixed on the steep part up towards the asfalted main road. Again the same ominous feeling got hold of me. So that was the part I feared the most and indeed it’s a difficult part. I have to stop at the top of the steep part of the road, already 2 wheels on the asfalt and 2  still in the mud. If I’m lucky I can do the whole maneuver in one action, but at my right there is a house in my eyesight which doesn’t give me a clear image if it’s safe to turn to the right. At the same time I have to watch the traffic from the right, on the other side of the road, since I cannot make the turn without passing the other lane. This maneuver is therefore hard to take in one time, wich means that I have to do the inclining test on the steep part of the road.

I was lucky and could do the whole action in one go. While turning onto the asfalt road and not seeing much due to the house that was blocking my sight, I almost overran two pedestrians. There is no footpath so people have to walk on the road or in the muddy bank of the road. I was surprised and shocked at the same time when these pedestrians appeared at the right side of my car. I was still full of anxiety due to the steep bend, entering the main road and immediately my mind started within the secret mind a backchat blaming the pedestrians. “Those morons, how can they even think it’s a good idea to walk on this side of the road. I could have hit them and what then? Yes of course and then I’m the boogywoman. Stupid assholes”. With my heart beating in my throat I drove home and realised how a simple drive on a mud road had disembodied so much emotions, feelings and fears in me. The fear of thinking that I wasn’t capable of doing the inclining test the right way without sliding and entering the main road without causing an accident. I simply feared to lose control over my physical reality. So basically fear of loss and fear of death.

Simple events like this could even turn into ugly events. Lets say I confronted these pedestrians with their action, which wasn’t an action as a traffic violation, and I would act upon this energy inside me generated by the fear I just had experienced. I could have become violent and those people had no idea what so ever why, they themselves could even become angry with me and act violent back at me. Or I just drove by after driving close up to them and every time I would see these people in the village I could become angry on them again for the same thing. These people would grow in my mind into horrible people and all negative stuff possible that I would hear or find out about them, I would connect to their picture in my mind. One day I might snap and burst into a demonic anger and act upon that energy and harm those people physically while being possessed by their picture in my head.

Lucky enough I could see what was happening almost along the whole event, nevertheless I have to work through some fears, emotions and feelings here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the memory of inclining on the steep road and fear all the next experiences of doing the inclining test on that steep road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the memory of the inclining test on the steep road and feel already anxiety when not in this situation but only thinking of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the feeling of losing grip with my jeep on the steep dirt road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control by not being certain about my driving skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being secure of my driving skills due to memories that backs this feeling up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself within driving, therefore within not trusting myself not trusting my driving.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow down and be in the moment to see that driving and doing the inclining test isn’t difficult and dangerous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control and seeing that as the worst thing that could happen to me, instead of asking myself what would happen then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose control and within this process fearing to lose myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose myself so I will diminish and no longer exists as in dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards others to release a moment of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my reaction after experiencing fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the energy of fear and therefore not being in the here/present in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop myself while I’m in a situation that I already experienced before and knowing that it will not lead me anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop acting in the best interest of all while being possessed by fear, fear of loss and fear of death.

 

Discipline 02/02/2011

We’ve been showing over decades to our world and ourselves that we humans have a hard time directing ourselves. Directing ourselves in an effective, structured way, realizing that every movement, thought and energy driven action has consequences within our physical reality. Mostly we need others to give direction to our life’s, our partner, our boss, our hobby, our parents, our children, our animals, our friends, our traditions  and of course our internet. We have no clue what it really means to give direction to ourselves. If we had a clue our world wouldn’t be the way it is today.

We lack discipline, self discipline. At this point older people will probably agree with me, the most populair phrase amongst the elderly is, the youth nowadays does not know what it is to work hard and doing what they need to do. There might be some valid points in this statement, but we may not forget that the starting point for the elderly amongst us was one of fear. Fear for their boss, who was definitely more than them, when they came in late or didn’t work hard enough. That’s not self direction that’s self abuse and acceptance of an abusive money system called capitalism.

The soldier will say that he knows what self discipline is, but he’s only serving money in the manifestation of his superior general. The  light worker will say that he knows what self discipline is, but he’s only meditating till he blows his brains out and provide him with his next energetic shot. The athlete will say that he knows what self discipline is, but he’s training and competing for both energy and money.

Self discipline is directing self without any stimuli from outside and no mind related directions. You get out of bed in the morning not because you feel like it or don’t feel like it out of fear to be late at work. You put on the proper clothes for your work/day and according to the weather outside you pick your clothes, you do not bother if they are fashionable or reflecting your personality. You do your job, because you need money for your basic needs. You eat that amount of food which will support your body and not according to your emotions. You stay during your day within the physical reality and your presents, simply because you need yourself here. You act during your day in common sense and according to what’s best for all. You reflect upon your day just before you go to bed and sleep to check if you have to forgive yourself and apply any corrective statements. You do this all just out of the simple reason that you self direct yourself because you are life.

Earth is capable of directing itself by living according the 4 seasons. Nature is directing itself without acting on emotions and feelings. Life is directing itself and never gives up, only we give up on life. What is wrong with us that we are, the so called superior group on this planet, that’s lost inside ourselves? We never learned and were not programmed to direct ourselves, which doesn’t mean that it can’t be done. It’s the responsibility for all that we are which we think we do not have to take, also this is programming. With some DIY we can de-program ourselves and through discipline we can direct ourselves.YES WE CAN!

To me self discipline has been proven essential to do my process. Living my life from the starting point of what is best for all. Always applying the equality equation to see in a common sensical disciplined way if we all benefit from what I do as individual on this planet. I might seem insignificant to the whole, but all individuals together show if the equation is done effectively. Till so far the whole has failed. Therefore I need to apply in a disciplined way my applications and tools. One of the tools I use to share myself and spread awareness is through blogging. Showing others that I struggle with the same issues as they are and show them what I do about it. Even if I can reach out to one person it’s cool even if I do not reach out to anybody, I in fact reach out to myself and direct self through the experience of daily blogging.

 

Sinking ship 16/01/2011

Today, while making lunch, I got caught up in the mind. The mind was randomly searching through my vast amount of memories and started like a jukebox playing one of them. This one had really nothing to do with the moment I was physically in, there wasn’t even a smell, a thought or a sound that triggered it.

It was a memory from an event that happend approximately 10 months ago. It was in the first weeks after I had shaved my head walking in the main street of our village and bumping in one of my neighbours and her sister from across the street. The sister looked at me as if she saw an alien and my neighbor A. who isn’t easy to shock made a comment on my head. We started talking and I gave my flyer in which I explained my reasons for shaving my head, I do this so people will remember when they look at the flyer again. She read it and said that she totally agreed with my message, but wasn’t going to join me in shaving her head. Then she became gloomy and said: “What’s the use to do anything about this world, our world is as a sinking ship and is already half way under water, there is no way we can safe it.” At first I was surprised that she agreed with me and then when she got all gloomy I saw that her answer wasn’t any different from the answers the pre-programmed majority already had given: we can’t change the system. For a moment I saw her as special and on my side, till she became gloomy. At that point in my process I wasn’t capable to expand in the Italian language on the sinking ship part. Today through this memory I looked at it again.

I do see that we can compare our world system with a sinking ship and that’s what’s happening we are half way destroying  humanity, our flora and fauna. Maybe it’s a good idea to let it sink, we can always build a new ship. Once we know why it sunk in the first place we can improve the design and build a seaworthy ship. It is never too late when we start understanding why we fucked up our world, why we let the ship sink, why we watched it and didn’t do anything. We accepted and allowed a bad design to exist in the first place and then blamed it on the design and even on the designer, overlooking the fact that we kept using the ship.

We are programmed to believe that we can’t change this world, that we need a higher force to do that for us and that we have to live as a good person to please the higher force to help us out of the shit that nor we nor our higher force have anything to do with and neither are to blame for. What are we saying here exactly? We say that we humans can’t change our current situation which we have created through our past for which we will not take any responsibility. We need someone powerful to clean up the mess we left behind since we didn’t create it and we are absolutely not capable of doing so ourselves. It will be no surprise that this belief and behaviour results in millions of zombies covering our planet. Zombies who “think” that the cure for all of this, which is stopping the mind/ego, turns them into zombies. This makes me fucking wet my pants, because I can’t stop laughing. I mean where do we start when people fear being a zombie while they ARE the fucking zombies?

I’ll say let our capitalistic ship sink, it will do it all by itself, the cause is a matter of our compounded greed. Who ever is getting through the sinking part will find himself in the shoes of Job, robbed of all his material possessions. It seems that humans have to feel first what is happening to them in order to comprehend what is happening already for decades to others. The physical is our measurement for what is real, real is what is touchable. If you physically don’t own anything touchable you know for sure that you’ve been fucked, fucked by your own creation. Maybe in that moment self-forgiveness en self-honesty will appeal to you as the best solution. Will you make it when the ship has already sunk? We can build a new one, but we need lots of hands in order to do so. Hands that are not averse to working, hands that do not fear if they’re capable, but hands that want to create in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when people think we can’t change us nor the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good knowing that someone else is on my side.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel surprised that someone agrees with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated for not being able to express myself sufficient in Italian.

 

I should laugh about it 11/01/2011

I woke up this morning with a feeling of anxiety and I couldn’t trace what it was about. After breakfast I still had this feeling but less than before, then my partner P. discovered a response e-mail from his brother on his response e-mail from yesterday on which we wrote a blog yesterday. To be brief I can summarize the whole e-mail in two words: dishonesty and bullshit. I do experience my brother-in-law already for years according to these two words. Maybe I’m expressing myself strongly and do I need to leave some space open for common sense. Although when some one contradicts oneself quite a lot and says things like: I understand equality but why do you guys while living in the mountains in central Italy in a small village care about the third world? In such a moment my bullshitters alarm goes off.

Then I had a conflict with my serger, when I’m in conflict with my serger then there are underlying issues. Also here I hadn’t really a clue other then maybe feeling some frustration related to the e-mail.

Just before lunch I went for a walk upon the mountain just behind my house to make a second video about Freedom. Yesterday we taped it and the camera only had two pieces film on the camera when we downloaded it onto my computer. Today I made 5 short pieces of video, when I make it longer than 9 minutes my editing program has difficulties. Since I do not want to watch on a clock the whole time I only tape short footage to avoid this problem. When I returned and connected the camera to my computer I only had 3 pieces of film and they were all test recordings. So again no footage to finish my video. I decided to tape it with my webcam inside the house and simply finish it. I uploaded the quicktime movie on You Tube and all went well except for the processing part. The whole thing was hanging, so I deleted the video and did it again. With succes this time.

My chat with Esteni tonight had no disconnections or technical problems, so lucky enough no manifestations all the way up to South Africa.

A hour ago I baked cookies and I forgot to put the temperature on 175 degrees Celsius and set it on 225 instead. I can tell you one thing, these cookies are crispy.

Throughout the whole day I had technical problems and wasn’t able to find the source of these impractical problems. So I tested with muscle communication in one of my books: “That’s the problem with the truth. The truth is ruthless. She won’t let go. It creeps up on all sides and shows you what reality is. That can be annoying.” This does makes sense, but what truth is creeping upon me? So the next sentence I tested is:

“Am I one of them?” I tested for Desteni, as my in-laws, bullshitters etc. and all tested negative. So I searched further and found the following: ” You can’t know, and become, what you are when that what you aren’t is missing.” So what’s missing then? I’m not a whole I live in separation, something like that? Yes, in separation with my world. This is interesting, because separation can be found in so many areas. Ok lets pick one that’s really prominent for today. I tested for sense of humor, I do not use enough humor and see most things too serious. As in being one of them reverse to  too serious people. In that way I do not allow myself to have a break and release some tension. So by not using much humor lately I’m separating me from myself and therefore I can not know and become what I am. I should have laughed about all these manifestations of myself and not take it so serious that I let it frustrate me. I was only pointing out to myself that the “truth” will always knock on my door. It isn’t more or less then that, just me communicating with myself. Instead of communicating, I went into this serious and painful split, that’s funny when I come to think of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and not knowing where it came from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my brother-in-law according to his e-mail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into conflict with my serger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with the camera for not functioning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated with You Tube for not smoothly processing my video.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for wanting to do a lot of things quickly and burning the cookies within this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see live too serious always and not allow any break to release some tension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respond to myself while communicating with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in separation due to being too serious and not seeing my world for what it simply is.