Sylvia's writing to freedom

2012 Unraveling fears; losing direction 29/03/2012

In accordance with the fear month at Desteni I’m going to investigate a fear of mine that exist within me for quite a while. This fear became part of my personality and I used to say, with quite some confidence, phrases like: “I am a person without a sense of direction”. Back then such sentences would not alarm me at all, now when I look at it, I feel this shock going through my body and I see what I wrote down. This fear exist still within me, the fear of getting lost. The only difference is that I will not define myself to it anymore and I will not freak out over it anymore. I mean what does it say about a person who has no sense of direction and fears to get lost? It’s a person that fears to direct herself and fears the consequential outflow of it, meaning getting lost in mind realities without even experiencing real life. Looking at it now within more awareness, this fear is more like getting lost within my mind where this fear exist as part of my personality.

As far as I can see now this fear started more or less in my adolescent years. The years that I became independent and no longer holding my parents hand to guide me step by step. This period in a human life where we decide to do all things different than our parents did. I started noticing that whenever I went shopping I would not know which direction to take when coming out of a store. This slightly panicing  feeling of not knowing whether I should go left or right, entering for a moment this vacuum where only fear exist. Looking back now at this experience/feeling it sounds pretty much like my mind, back then I perceived it as my reality. My mind was my soulmate, the only one I could trust and the only one that stayed with me no matter what. How could I be more wrong within trusting my mind reality and being fucked over many many times. In a way it’s like an abusive relationship, my/our relationship with our minds. It’s all we have and we know it’s not only bad things that makes us stay. How many times do we want to change ourselves/our minds and how many times do we fail? Isn’t that the same with abusive relationships, hoping that you can change the other? So I, at the moment, am walking step by step out of my mind, no longer participating within abuse as self-sabotage/ abuse as reflection of my inner world superimposed on my outer world. A life time commitment to be finally able to truly live here in every breath without any mind reality bullshit.

Getting back to the practical reality of this fear, it started of with not knowing where I physically was situated, the moment I had to take a decision about directions like going left or right. Then I started fearing to get lost into the woods. I love to hike in the woods, but based on my experiences I feared going alone into the woods and feared to get lost. So here one can see the immense limitation fears are having over us. Instead of simply going into the woods, I now had to phone several friends, which I knew had a sense of direction, to manipulate them into going into the woods with me. I say manipulate, because my original thought was, I like to go into the woods. Instead of I like to go into the woods with this specific person. Therefore my starting point was one of dishonesty, since I dependent on another to fullfil my desire/want. Whenever I did trick another into going into the woods, I wasn’t able to enjoy being there. The whole time I would or be glad I had someone with me to guide me through the woods or I would fear what could have happened if I didn’t have this person with me. Here the mindfuck unfolds itself nicely. Hiking became hiking within my mind reality without being in touch with my outer surroundings. I am asking myself why did I bother to go into the woods anyways? Watching pictures of a wood and getting lost into my mind would have generated the same experience. So hiking wasn’t an experience of being equal with nature, the feel of the wind, the smell of the forest, the sounds of the animals, no it was instead an experience based in energy.

I mean what does it say when I fear to get lost? What does it say when I do not trust my sense of direction? It’s all pointing to me and my willingness to direct myself. I fear to direct myself and take fully responsibility for the steps I have to take within my life. Fearing to get lost within my mind is a real trap.  When I stop the connection with my physical reality and merely exist within my mind and be guided by my own mind, I will be totally lost within feelings/emotions/fears. That’s life how most of us experience life. I fear or feared that I did not have a sense of direction, but we all have the ability/choice wether to direct ourselves or not. We do not need a sense/feeling for that. And whenever I am not my directive principle I do get lost within feelings/emotions/fears. Exactly that, these feelings/emotions/fears, are the home of my mind. So this fear is not the fear of having no sense of direction or the fear to get lost, it’s the fear of having to direct myself and the responsibility that comes along with it. Not trusting myself or seeing myself as trustworthy to be able to direct myself within Self-honesty.

When going again back into the practicality of this fear to get lost, I remember my first job as a social worker, I had to visit my clients throughout quite a big region. I bought my first car and a street guide for that specific region. Navigation devices for the car didn’t exist back then, so I only had maps to go from while driving. To ensure myself to get on time at my clients houses I would ask them for detailed directions, so again trusting another being to guide me. There was one thing I hadn’t realised, when people give directions to either go left or right, people tend to mix or mess those two directions up. Once I had a client who literally reversed all right turns for left turns. I ended up in a totally different location within that city with no cell phone, those were not very common back then. The only solution was stopping at a petrol pump and ask them for directions and calling my client at a call box that I had some delay. Within this whole process of getting into my car with the directions of my client, I already felt this anxiety of not trusting the situation. I mostly checked my street guide wether the street was mentioned or not, to give me this sense of preparedness. While driving on these directions I would ask myself at any left or right turn wether this was true, wether I was proceeding in the right direction. So I was doubting every step I took. The feeling is one of being blindfolded and guided by someone you do not know/trust. I always asked for landmarks in order to be able to check if I either was driving into the wrong direction or doing well. So after missing out on 2 or 3 landmarks my heart would accelerate. Thoughts would come up like: I will never arrive, I am lost, how will I get out of here, I need someone to guide me etcetera. Whenever I would arrive at a clients house I was already so pumped up with this energetic experience, that I needed some time to calm down and be able to do my job. So I did some chit chatting in the beginning of my visit to cover up my state of mind. I am asking myself now how effective I was within my job, I must have missed out on points to assist the other, since that was my job, due to not being here in the moment.

I have been working on this fear over the last few years, but never had taken the time to really look into it. Practically I can see the trigger point now when I go into anxiety due to this fear. It’s the moment before traveling where I go into my mind to prepare myself and find only fear and lack of trust. Mostly when I planned a trip by car to places I’m more or less familiar with, I talk the route through with my partner. What happens then is I see the trip within my mind like a film. This film all of a sudden stops and a blank/black appears. After a few seconds I start the film again where I left off and then I totally freak out. I already within that point of blackness would fear to get lost, based on the black hole experience. Getting back here/the physical was always quite difficult, since I didn’t trust myself enough to get out of my mind. I feared my physical reality and I completely trusted my mind reality, that’s so funny in a way and totally in reverse. Only when I restored this connection between those separated fragments of film again, I felt safe enough/trusted myself enough to do the car trip. Whenever I would go and still not restored this connection I would freak out in the car again, being sure that I would never arrive and got lost forever. Again here a lot of limitation I’ve imposed onto myself, never being able to spontaneously go somewhere without having stomach aches and anxiety.

Last week I planned to drive to the capital city of our region with the kids to buy some shoes and fabric for new clothing. Still being separated from my partner, who works in the Netherlands, I was on my own for directions. So as usual when my partner is present I got into the car when I decided to go and drove off. With almost no LPG nor gasoline in the car I decided to take the first petrol pump and fill up. It was closed, which is quite extraordinary. The second one also closed and the third one had self service on the gasoline, so I inserted money in a machine and got some expensive gasoline to get me to a next pump for my LPG. Anxiety was building up of not knowing where to go for the necessarily fuel to get anywhere for that matter. Then we entered the toll road and right after the toll gates we had to make a choice which direction to take. Non of the two choices seemed common sense to me, my daughter said it’s the left one, so I turned left. After a while I recognized the scenery and became more confident, the anxiety subsided. When we were finished shopping and had to go home we entered the toll road again. Right after the toll gates again two direction to choose from, but this time non of us knew which one was the right direction. Here in Italy the direction on the highway is the biggest city at the end of this highway, this generates a lot of confusion within me since I do not know the Italian road system by heart. We took the wrong turn and due to work in progress we could not exit the highway before driving 30 km. I left the toll road to get to the other side and asked a policeman how to get there and wether he knew about gas pumps being closed, since I still hadn’t found any LPG. He wasn’t aware of any strike what so ever and recommended a gas pump not far away on the highway. Indeed we could fill up the car exactly where the policeman had told us, when we entered our region again all gas pumps were closed, so definitely one of the many strikes here in Italy. As much anxiety I had on my way to this capital city as less anxiety I had when taking the wrong turn on the toll road. I realised within that moment that I was not prepared at all for this trip, I had no map or navigator so yeah I should be concerned when it comes to finding my directions. I could have easily stopped the car and look at a map where to go. I knew I had to walk my consequences in real time and that nothing much would happen to me except of using up more fuel than necessary. I mean there was no real fear or danger, at a certain point I would find my way again and drive home. And that was exactly what happend, we all took our responsibility and watched the signs for directions. We debunked my fear of lost, because I didn’t get lost as in getting lost forever. I calmed myself down by stopping this fear in the moment, I breathed through it, did Self-forgiveness and directed the point and myself.

So the bottom line here is trust, I wasn’t able to trust myself within being my directive principle and ready to deal with the consequences of my acts. Now I am and walk the consequences step by step, breath by breath, to learn from them and not repeat it again. My mind isn’t my soulmate anymore, it’s a tool/measurement and not something to participate/induldge within. I am my best friend as me as my body and mind and there is no need to sabotage it, since that would only reflect in my outer world and therefore harm/abuse others. Once we understand that doing what is best for all includes all and therefore also me/us, there is no valid reason to abuse/sabotage life and to reverse our evolution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to personify myself with not having a sense of direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting lost. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself enough to see that I am capable of directing/guiding myself throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose mind reality over the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear as normal and common sense/directive principles as non existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is normal and acceptable to go through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic when entering this fear of getting lost, instead of directing myself by slowing down and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my mind as my soulmate, instead of seeing that my physical body is the reason why I live on this planet and my mind is a tool to see what I’ve  accepted and allowed during my presence on this earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my fear of getting lost limit myself to such an extend that I wasn’t able to spontaneously go hiking/ take a car trip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others for the sake of my desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go hiking alone due to the fear of getting lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect within dishonesty with my friends to get their guidance while hiking, instead of seeing that I could have asked to asst me with finding my way out in the woods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to enjoy hiking in the moment out of a constant fear of getting lost or being preoccupied with thoughts/scenarios of what if I get lost.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I can always choose to direct myself in the best interest of all and fear will not really prohibit my choice to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust another to guide me, instead of seeing that only I can direct myself within self-responsibility with the assistance and support of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my directions to a certain address, instead of seeing that I was not able to trust myself. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and instead believed I would harm myself without the guidance of another.

I forgive myself that I haven’t  accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility for my life.

When and as I see myself participating within a trigger point of going into my mind to prepare myself before traveling. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by going into my mind I will not be here within the physical. I will instead participate within emotions/feelings/fears which results in not trusting myself or seeing myself as trustworthy to be able to direct myself within Self-honesty. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the lack of self-trust -prepare myself physically before traveling and participate equally.

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Sugar, sugar 18/09/2011

It’s the second week of my sugar, wheat and yeast free diet and I haven’t been struggling much with it. A few times I had this unsettled feeling over me that I couldn’t indicate for what it was. I decided to go along with this feeling to investigate what I was dealing with. I came out into the kitchen and understood that I was searching for something to eat, so I took a kamut cracker. After the first bite I knew what I was longing/searching for, something sweet, the kamut that isn’t really a sweet taste gave me the impression of sweet and after eating it I felt satisfied. This showed me how deceptive the mind can be in finding that specific something that it wants. Of course it’s also the body craving for direct and indirect sugars within this diet, it’s simply a fine orchestrate play between all participants that I call me.

This diet was something that I had to do, it had to be done, so I accepted this change of diet seeing that I had allowed myself to eat food for too long that wasn’t sustaining my body. The reason for eating the wrong food was ignorance and lack of money and we’ve still lack of money, but we tried to do some money shifting, meaning buying less from the old food and a little bit from the new food. Which results in a slightly higher food bill, but still bearable.

The infection, that made me investigate and decide to do the diet in the first place, is declined and almost gone at the moment. That was a big relieve, because besides feeling horrible while my body tried to fight the fungus, the itching was not something that could be ignored. Then I discovered that it was also manifesting on my tongue and I got a bit scared. I saw within my mind my whole body full with this bacteria that changed over night in this evil fungus attacking me. Even things like “this is the end, you will probably die” were fabricated within my mind and I freely participated within it. I’m quite creative when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts and when it comes to diseases and dying. When I calmed down I saw that the point which was bothering me was disappointment in my own body, I was committing to this diet and look what my body was pulling on me. Sounds like ego and separation and that’s what it was. I was in separation of my physical body and saw it as an entity that could attack me. I blamed my body for being sick and not being cooperative while I conveniently forgot how I neglected my body through eating the wrong foods and had been alienated from my body already for so many years. I created and manifested this disease within my body and no one but me is to blame, that is if blame would bring me any further, which it obviously doesn’t.

So this condition has brought me a lot of support regarding getting into contact with my body again and a lot of points that are opening up. The itching made me 24/7 alert and I never felt so many glands in my body being painful. I’ve been able to slow myself down and really hear what my mind was babbling when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts, thoughts based in fear and I mean fear in the broadest spectrum possible. It is astonishing to experience how much we disgust ourselves for allowing and accepting all the bullshit in our life’s and in our world. This illness within all of us, this bullshit, is what makes the world sick. We, on a daily base, infect the world with our sick thoughts. It’s a one on one reflection, we all know that the horror we witness within society is the same horror and battle that goes on inside of each of us. We need to acknowledge this simple fact and not hypocritically saying: but I’m not like that. You see, there is a difference between wishing and desiring who we are and who we really are, the friction between those two is huge and that unleashes the battle within ourselves.

This whole journey of getting sick and fearing my own body within separation, has made me stronger in my attempt to dedicate myself to my process, Desteni tools and no longer taking any bullshit from myself. Myself as a whole, the body and the mind included, because without those two buddies, I’m dead meat and breath will be no more. Therefore I replaced fear for what was attacking me as diseases, with common sense and I simply investigated that what was here in the moment and dealt with it accordingly.

How come that I’m fearing exactly that, what isn’t yet here, I asked myself?  That’s the most secure methodology to get thoughts created and manifested. Looking at it that way I decided that it was time to stop this point of fearing the body and all diseases that comes with having a body.

Isn’t it fun to be a human? Especially when you know that humans can make a difference and really evolve in the best interest of all.

 

Porca Madonna, this has to end now. 24/01/2011

I’m still struggling with the question why or how it is that I do not make any progress within learning Italian. Since my SRA-group is going to do a module of mins constructs I figured I could as well do a mind construct on this question. The word mind construct gives me a discomfortable feeling and a feeling of “am I capable of doing mind constructs?”. So I looked briefly into this and saw that when I did mind constructs within my SRA course I was at this breaking point of my course, which resulted in reticence and having to do a lot of material in less time than it was supposed to. In that period I doubted myself tremendous, so I can see now that this memory of discomfort has been attached by me onto the word mind constructs. I did a mind construct as I said and it took me 2 days in between all other to do jobs. I felt resistance, but I pushed through. In this blog I share the story that I found out after doing some ranting&raving, timeline/mind construct, self-forgiveness and self corrective statement.

Porca Madonna, which is written in the title is Italian for: Jesus, shit, fuck etc.

I always used my non existing motivation to learn the Italian language as a excuse. I was never been in Italy till I met my partner P. and we spend our first holiday together on the Italian island Sardinia. Since then and since I met P. who lived his entire youth in Italy I felt more special for having Italian DNA. To me this holiday and all the others that followed in Italy was an easy way to discover a country and it’s culture now I had my own interpreter with me. I was quite manipulative in getting what I wanted and always getting P. to be the interpreter so we had special treatments. I had no reason to learn the Italian language, my in-laws lived about 16 years in Italy but were Dutch and we communicated in Dutch. So I had no intend to put effort in learning Italian, learning a language just for the fun of it wasn’t my idea of having fun. It went even further I was convinced that I was genetically not capable of learning languages on a normal or high level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that having no internal motive to learn Italian would be a valid excuse to never investigate in learning the language. Instead of taking my responsibility and seeing that without the language I’m making life impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special due to my Italian DNA which doesn’t give me a special gift to speak Italian without learning the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my in-laws for speaking Dutch and therefore not giving me a purpose or motive to study the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for speaking Italian and therefore not being my own directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate P. into an interpreter role so I didn’t have to take responsibility for  learning/speaking the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that learning a language isn’t fun. Instead of seeing that it was the feeling of not wanting to put much effort into this learning out of the belief that without internal motive I didn’t had to go into great effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I’m genetically incapable of learning a language. I identify here with my mother who has never accomplished to learn another language effective and I do not identify with my father who learns other languages really easy.

For many years P. tried to evoke me to learn Italian, but I resisted it and never took the bait. I felt deep down the urge to show P. that I was intelligent enough to learn the language if I had to. In the summer of 2000 we went as a family with both kids again to Sardinia and P. was a bit fed up with being my interpreter and asked me when I ever would learn Italian myself. I said: “you’ll never know.” We made some sort of a bet out of it which let my ego take the bait so I could show of my intelligence and I no longer had to feel the opposite as in incapable of learning languages. When we came home from our holiday I started looking for an Italian course. A lot of institutes offered only private lessons an charged large amounts of money for it. Since I only was honouring the bet I made I saw no reason and value to put a lot of effort or money in it. Eventually I found a lady who taught groups and private Italian lessons at her house. Her prices were reasonable so I registered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself why I started learning Italian without any internal motivation and blaming already before starting that I would fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I didn’t take the bait after P. evoked me, while my ego wanted to proof itself and show of that I was intelligent enough to do such a language study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take any responsibility for the consequences once I would start learning the language., it didn’t only involve me alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within an ego polarity, wanting to show of and on the other hand feeling really insecure due to my beliefs about learning a language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify starting to learn a language out of a bet and blaming my ego of forcing me into learning the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel forced to search for a language institute and listening to my ego that told me I couldn’t back out of it anymore, too much shame to admit I didn’t wanted to learn the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not spend too much money on the lessons since I didn’t really saw the real value of learning Italian.

This lady was married to an Italian man and had lived for many years in Italy, she had already a little group of ladies who were about to start so I could start along with them. For 1.5 year I attended once a week these lessons and made my homework. I became good at written Italian, but my spoken Italian was still a disaster. This didn’t make me feel really thrilled about learning Italian. I felt shame while speaking the language and being afraid to make mistakes.  My first holiday in Italy, Napels, after a year of Italian lessons was a disaster. I couldn’t understand what the people were saying due to the dialect spoken in this region. It confirmed me in my believe that it was of no use that I took these lessons and that same winter I did quit my lessons. I stopped the lessons when my interior design business started blooming. I used it as an excuse to stop the lessons, in fact I was bored with it and I saw almost no progress within me and feared not being good enough to continue, I simply didn’t want to face the point behind this point. At that time it was only me and another lady who were still taking lessons, all the others had already stopped. I felt bad for the lady that was left alone, when I left the course thai meant to her that her lessons became private lessons and therefore more expensive then before. I felt guilty for the fact that I hadn’t been responsible enough when I started the course out of winning a bet and no real motivation and that another had to pay the consequences of my irresponsible behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into a situation in which I felt I couldn’t get out anymore since I had initiated it. I saw this as taking responsibility but in fact I was affecting other people with my behavior of not standing and being my own directing principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad. I was good in written Italian and bad at integrating this into spoken language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame while speaking Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking Italian out of shame and not being accepted within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes within the Italian language and feeling stupid for it and in the end not being accepted within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dialects and to not understand what they were saying, not understanding my world which I believed would ultimate led to isolation within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that taking Italian lessons were of no use when i couldn’t understand Italians in conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify quitting my Italian lessons with too much work within my interior design business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not facing my core problem with being bored within the lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not making any progress with my Italian lessons through self sabotaging with the purpose of separating myself from the system/society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self through self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad by fearing not being good enough and manifesting being good enough in the fact that I was so good to take on these lessons without wanting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my not taking any responsibility with feeling bad for the other student.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as more and seeing it as okay to start a course and then stop it without taking responsibility for the consequences of the whole. Me stopping with the lessons meant for the other student that she had no other choice then paying more or also quit.

After stopping this course I didn’t really look at the materials anymore. A few years later when we decided to immigrate to Italy I tried to pick up my lessons again and study my books which I still had. I still felt no motivation and felt dizzy and bored with the material, which was already a sign that I still wasn’t able to face myself within this point. I blamed the books for not being practical enough and only focussing on vocabulary for holidays. I decided that once I was in Italy and exposed to the language daily I would learn quickly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not benefit at all from my lessons even after I had stopped and again needed the materials/information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel not ready to face myself within learning languages even though I was immigrating and needing the Italian language more than ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dizzy and bored and not wanting to see that this was me saying to myself that it was a matter of facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the books for me not learning the language effectively instead of seeing that I was sabotaging myself and started manifesting that what I feared the most, being excluded out of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blief that once exposed to the language daily I would in a miraculously way learn Italian.

In Italy we first lived in a isolated zone, my neighbors lived at least 1 km away from us. I had contact with my neighbors and spoke to other moms in front of school, but that wasn’t enough to really learn the language. After a while I started to carpool with my neighbor to bring and pick up our kids at school. Every morning she had breakfast in the bar with her girlfriends and we drank coffee. These ladies spoke in dialect and my Italian basics weren’t in place yet to easily learn also the dialect of this region. The conversations were boring and continually the same. I started disgusting these ladies and seeing them as stupid and uneducated while in fact I was facing myself within it all. My course in Holland gave me a vocabulary of a tourist and these ladies gave me the vocabulary of a house wife. I felt myself more than that and stared studying Italian at home with the help of DVD’s. I became good in answering the questions, but couldn’t apply it in real life it simply didn’t sink in. I started to become a bit desperate and thinking that I would never learn the language at a normal level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the urge to live isolated and not seeing that I was slowly but surely isolating me from myself and no longer willing to take part of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others who I talked with, that through conversation with them I didn’t learn the language as fast as I had imagined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disgust the ladies with whom I drank coffee every day in the bar. I saw them as stupid and uneducated, not seeing that I was projecting my disgust for myself on to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame learning the dialect of the region for not having my Italian basics into place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lessons for making a tourist out of me and blaming the ladies for making a house wife out of me due to the vocabulary they learned me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the vocabulary I learned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the dvd’s for not being effective while I only wanted to lern the language by my own without support or assistance of others and not seeing that my starting point was self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I couldn’t apply my learned information within real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the information didn’t sink in and not seeing that this was due to me sabotaging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate in learning the language. I felt there was something off, but not yet willing to face it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I would never learn Italian at a normal level.

Then 1 of the elementary school teachers offered me private Italian lessons twice a week for a reasonable price. I went to her house for a year and then she didn’t have much time to continue. I loved working with her, we became friends. I was glad that I was able to get other friends then the ladies. I really learned more then before, but still wasn’t at a level where I could unconditionally express myself. During this time I started writing Italian poems which I really liked doing. It was a practical application of the language. Together with P. I perfected the poems into understandable Italian and I really learned a lot while bumping into problems with the language and seeing my gabs within the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special that a school teacher offered me to teach Italian lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy for being her friend. I didn’t feel good being the friend of the ladies I drank coffee with and by being her friend I participated within the polarity of good and bad. I wanted to feel more with the teacher friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my teacher friend for not having enough time anymore to teach me so I didn’t had to face that I wasn’t progressing anymore that much as I liked due to my self sabotaging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself while writing Italian poems. It pleased me when I found out that my teacher liked them and it gave me the security that she wanted me still as friend. With her as friend I would keep feeling good about myself, with the other friends I experienced the disgust I felt about myself for all that I’ve been accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I couldn’t work together with P. while he was teaching me.

I still lived quite isolated and had not much practise in talking the language. Then we moved to another village and I did my groceries daily and spoke with the lady of the grocery store to practise my language. She spoke in dialect and poor Italian, so I had again to adjust myself to learn another dialect before really knowing the language well. This lady told me about Italian lessons that were given at the town hall for free. So I did a year Italian lessons twice a week, the level of the lessons was extremely low, I blamed it on the teacher who didn’t use a book or gave any homework to work with at home. I came to learn a lot of other foreign people and the teacher used my knowledge of the English and Dutch language to communicate with her other students. I didn’t gain any new knowledge of the Italian language and labeled the course as useless and therefore didn’t attend the next year.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lady of the grocery store for talking dialect. Not seeing that my memories about dialect and the fear for exclusion where attached to this new experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the town hall lessons as a extremely low level for wanting to feel myself better within this experience of not feeling good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for not really being committed out of the fact that she didn’t use a book to work from or give any homework. I’m my own directive principle and it’s up to me if I do homework or expand on the information given by the teacher, blaming the teacher is not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for using me as interpreter between the Dutch and English students and herself. I felt that I was giving but wasn’t receiving and not working within the equality equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I didn’t gain any new knowledge from the town hall lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher her lousiness for not attending the next year.

Last summer I came again to the conclusion that if I wanted to integrate and make my life work here I have to learn the language at a higher level. I always refused to study the language with P. as my teacher, but decided that this belief is bullshit. So I asked our American friends who also needed a boost in their Italian language to join me. It would give the three of us some more pressure to keep up with the lessons in the best interest of the group. I attended the lessons, but P. had a lot of attention for A&J and I sat there being present and answering some questions once in a while. Even my son J. picked up that the lessons were not for the tree of us, but more for our American friends. It started demotivating me and blamed the fact that it didn’t feel practical to me and I couldn’t really apply it in my daily life, on P.. It started to feel like a pattern because it felt the same as most of the other lessons I already had done and was only searching for a justification to stop with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not being able to work equally with me while teaching and therefore I didn’t use his support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify inviting my American friend to join the lessons due to needing outside stimuli to be motivated to study Italian. I wasn’t taking responsibility and searching already for something or someone to blame before it went wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the lessons already before they ever started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame A&J for getting more attention and not seeing that I in essence was jealous on them for getting attention for their real motivation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame A&J for feeling excluded while I was projecting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my demotivation for the lessons by stating that I had no motivation to start with, but that’s not taking responsibility and denying my starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lessons of P. for not being practical and not applicable in reality, while that’s just justifying my behaviour for not wanting to learn Italian and not wanting to be faced with the real points why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this pattern of not taking responsibility and not wanting to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a justification to stop with the lessons.

Today while talking to P. the subject of the Italian lessons came up and I told him how I felt that it isn’t working for me. It need to be more practical for me, I said. P. was already thinking about making the lessons more practical, but for me I was already done with it. I felt emotions arising while speaking and I started crying. It was a really overwhelming feeling that came over me and in that moment I saw that I was denying life to myself. I was sabotaging my current life in Italy. By keeping myself at this low level within the language I was making it impossible for me to progress in whatever direction. Every time it had been me who was stopping a new attempt to learn the language. This fits also smoothly in with my attempt to escape the system/society by placing me financially outside the system and separating myself from it. I know that I’m capable of learning Italian, by just doing it and applying the language in things that I like doing. I already had experienced how fast that went. I’ve seen my progression within the English language too, just by doing it and facing it in reality. Why am I not doing this with the Italian language? I started to translate my articles on my WTF-blog in Italian, but that was still too difficult and P. didn’t have the time to sit next to me and help translating the articles. So he did it for me, I read them but didn’t learn much from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for the fact that his Italian lessons are not working for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not giving practical aplicable lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by taking on a too difficult translating job and then feeling worthless and incapable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not having enough time to sit with me and help me translate my articles in Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my responsibility by letting P. translate my articles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for translating my articles so I didn’t learn anything from it and wasn’t able to experience it for myself within reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the pattern of wanting to quit and not face myself which made me already quit before I even started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself by crying instead of being a woman and to see what I had caused by not taking responsibility and separating myself from me and society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed when I saw what it was I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny life to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sure I wasn’t going to make real progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop every new attempt to learn Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to escape the system/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/me to in the end diminish myself.

I probably have to kick my ass and apply the language practically till I’m at a level that it is enough to express myself and speak to others without frustration. Frustration with myself within the language and being confronted with my self created limitations.

By separating myself from myself I was bussy diminishing myself and I felt even good about it. Porca Madonna this has to end this is too much abuse!

When an as I see myself participating within this pattern of separation. I stop, I breath. Within this I realise that this pattern is directing me

and I’m not my own directive force anymore. I will no longer participate within his pattern knowing where it is going to lead me and I don’t want to abuse myself through diminishing myself. I stop and I breathe.

 

The first cyst on my lateral thigh and the story it tells 24/11/2010

Since I yesterday openend up the point of my last created cyst on my head and I found out that I had created the bump at least 13 years ago, I decided to investigate further. It was amazing what I found out, so what will I face today. How much time does this cyst goes back in time and what are the points attached to it?

I started of with a dictionary word through muscle communication and I tested for “psychedelic”. I searched further for the meaning of the word psychedelic; Psychedelic art, most popular during the late 1960s and early 1970s, combines patterns, objects, light, and sound to simulate hallucinatory experiences.  The part to use was the one with the specific period, namely late 1960’s and early 1970’s. I was born in 1968, so how many years back goes the creation/manifestation of the cyst. Or is it due to information downloaded from my parents? It’s indeed the download of my parents, but the origin lies with my grandmother from mothers side and it goes back 42 years. I started creating the cyst within my first year on earth and I was about 16 when it manifested therefore I went to my family doctor to show it to him, but there was nothing to worry about.

I muscle communicated for an emotion to get some clarity and I tested for the word “putrid”; morally corrupt or worthless. “Worthless” was the word that tested out. My grandmother had transferred through the family download this emotion of worthlessness. My start in life was one of feeling worthless. Since I can only muscle communicate information about myself, I’m not able to find out when this emotion and why this emotion of being worthless originated within my late grandmother. I can see the word worthless throughout the life of my mom in a big way, but also information about my mom I can not muscle communicate. I could try to open up a conversation with my mom about this subject, though it’s not something one discusses while having a cup of tea. I live 1600 km away from my mom so having a cup of tea is rare, we communicate through Skype and in summer when they are here.

The next question I’ll ask myself, is how this emotion of worthlessness has manifesting itself throughout my life. I do not mean manifested in the form of the cyst, but events and situations. I tested the following sentence within a book; and I love you. Through further testing I found out that it had to do with me not loving myself and not being able to be intimate with myself. I’ve been constantly sabotaging myself through believing that I was worthless and therefore I couldn’t love myself. That makes sense when I look back on my life, before it didn’t make sense and most of the time I wasn’t even aware of it.

This week I had this memory of about 9 to 10 years ago. When my son J. started to speak in one and two word sentences he said to me: “kiss mommy, kiss”. He did this for about 1 to 2 years. Throughout the whole day he asked for a kiss and when I gave him a kiss, 5 minutes later it started all over again. When I wouldn’t react he grabbed my face to get a kiss. He did it at home and anywhere else. I, at a certain point felt hunted, stalked, abused and I wanted to push him away from me. I didn’t push him away, I responded always, I wasn’t able to not respond to the love of my child. At least that’s how I saw it, now I see clearly that he was telling me to love myself and that I could be self intimate. My child was helping me through life and I disliked him for the weird behavior he had. Oh my God, how could I be so deluded?

I tested if this was enough for now, but there was another point to look into. I tested in a book for the following sentence; “people tend to live up to the expectations we have of them”. I want to live up to the expectations others have of me. How does this connect to the emotion of worthless? People think of me as worthless because I see myself as worthless and act in that way. Basically I think that others think of me as worthless and that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Wow that’s a fuck up!

All of this is created through “the sins of the fathers shall be visited upon the sons”. Now I understand how far this goes within my own life.

The cyst’s connective tissue dissolved through the years, but it’s still here, although smaller than it was originally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter this world within the emotion of being worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I’m worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless when I find out that I started my life within worthlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to love myself, but instead I sabotage myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not being able to be self intimate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I can not be self intimate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to belief that others see me as worthy.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be aware of being worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hunted by my son J.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stalked by my son J.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel abused by my son J.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to push J. away when he was communicating with me in a matter I couldn’t understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I wasn’t allowed to push J. away, because of me being his mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike J. for his weird behavior while he was only helping me to see what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deluded and not being able to see reality without thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as worthless and act as if I’m worthless so others will see and treat me as worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in life/creation while seeing how it fucked me up and how I didn’t take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to take responsibility for the bagage that I inherited.