Sylvia's writing to freedom

2012 Unraveling fears; losing direction 29/03/2012

In accordance with the fear month at Desteni I’m going to investigate a fear of mine that exist within me for quite a while. This fear became part of my personality and I used to say, with quite some confidence, phrases like: “I am a person without a sense of direction”. Back then such sentences would not alarm me at all, now when I look at it, I feel this shock going through my body and I see what I wrote down. This fear exist still within me, the fear of getting lost. The only difference is that I will not define myself to it anymore and I will not freak out over it anymore. I mean what does it say about a person who has no sense of direction and fears to get lost? It’s a person that fears to direct herself and fears the consequential outflow of it, meaning getting lost in mind realities without even experiencing real life. Looking at it now within more awareness, this fear is more like getting lost within my mind where this fear exist as part of my personality.

As far as I can see now this fear started more or less in my adolescent years. The years that I became independent and no longer holding my parents hand to guide me step by step. This period in a human life where we decide to do all things different than our parents did. I started noticing that whenever I went shopping I would not know which direction to take when coming out of a store. This slightly panicing  feeling of not knowing whether I should go left or right, entering for a moment this vacuum where only fear exist. Looking back now at this experience/feeling it sounds pretty much like my mind, back then I perceived it as my reality. My mind was my soulmate, the only one I could trust and the only one that stayed with me no matter what. How could I be more wrong within trusting my mind reality and being fucked over many many times. In a way it’s like an abusive relationship, my/our relationship with our minds. It’s all we have and we know it’s not only bad things that makes us stay. How many times do we want to change ourselves/our minds and how many times do we fail? Isn’t that the same with abusive relationships, hoping that you can change the other? So I, at the moment, am walking step by step out of my mind, no longer participating within abuse as self-sabotage/ abuse as reflection of my inner world superimposed on my outer world. A life time commitment to be finally able to truly live here in every breath without any mind reality bullshit.

Getting back to the practical reality of this fear, it started of with not knowing where I physically was situated, the moment I had to take a decision about directions like going left or right. Then I started fearing to get lost into the woods. I love to hike in the woods, but based on my experiences I feared going alone into the woods and feared to get lost. So here one can see the immense limitation fears are having over us. Instead of simply going into the woods, I now had to phone several friends, which I knew had a sense of direction, to manipulate them into going into the woods with me. I say manipulate, because my original thought was, I like to go into the woods. Instead of I like to go into the woods with this specific person. Therefore my starting point was one of dishonesty, since I dependent on another to fullfil my desire/want. Whenever I did trick another into going into the woods, I wasn’t able to enjoy being there. The whole time I would or be glad I had someone with me to guide me through the woods or I would fear what could have happened if I didn’t have this person with me. Here the mindfuck unfolds itself nicely. Hiking became hiking within my mind reality without being in touch with my outer surroundings. I am asking myself why did I bother to go into the woods anyways? Watching pictures of a wood and getting lost into my mind would have generated the same experience. So hiking wasn’t an experience of being equal with nature, the feel of the wind, the smell of the forest, the sounds of the animals, no it was instead an experience based in energy.

I mean what does it say when I fear to get lost? What does it say when I do not trust my sense of direction? It’s all pointing to me and my willingness to direct myself. I fear to direct myself and take fully responsibility for the steps I have to take within my life. Fearing to get lost within my mind is a real trap.  When I stop the connection with my physical reality and merely exist within my mind and be guided by my own mind, I will be totally lost within feelings/emotions/fears. That’s life how most of us experience life. I fear or feared that I did not have a sense of direction, but we all have the ability/choice wether to direct ourselves or not. We do not need a sense/feeling for that. And whenever I am not my directive principle I do get lost within feelings/emotions/fears. Exactly that, these feelings/emotions/fears, are the home of my mind. So this fear is not the fear of having no sense of direction or the fear to get lost, it’s the fear of having to direct myself and the responsibility that comes along with it. Not trusting myself or seeing myself as trustworthy to be able to direct myself within Self-honesty.

When going again back into the practicality of this fear to get lost, I remember my first job as a social worker, I had to visit my clients throughout quite a big region. I bought my first car and a street guide for that specific region. Navigation devices for the car didn’t exist back then, so I only had maps to go from while driving. To ensure myself to get on time at my clients houses I would ask them for detailed directions, so again trusting another being to guide me. There was one thing I hadn’t realised, when people give directions to either go left or right, people tend to mix or mess those two directions up. Once I had a client who literally reversed all right turns for left turns. I ended up in a totally different location within that city with no cell phone, those were not very common back then. The only solution was stopping at a petrol pump and ask them for directions and calling my client at a call box that I had some delay. Within this whole process of getting into my car with the directions of my client, I already felt this anxiety of not trusting the situation. I mostly checked my street guide wether the street was mentioned or not, to give me this sense of preparedness. While driving on these directions I would ask myself at any left or right turn wether this was true, wether I was proceeding in the right direction. So I was doubting every step I took. The feeling is one of being blindfolded and guided by someone you do not know/trust. I always asked for landmarks in order to be able to check if I either was driving into the wrong direction or doing well. So after missing out on 2 or 3 landmarks my heart would accelerate. Thoughts would come up like: I will never arrive, I am lost, how will I get out of here, I need someone to guide me etcetera. Whenever I would arrive at a clients house I was already so pumped up with this energetic experience, that I needed some time to calm down and be able to do my job. So I did some chit chatting in the beginning of my visit to cover up my state of mind. I am asking myself now how effective I was within my job, I must have missed out on points to assist the other, since that was my job, due to not being here in the moment.

I have been working on this fear over the last few years, but never had taken the time to really look into it. Practically I can see the trigger point now when I go into anxiety due to this fear. It’s the moment before traveling where I go into my mind to prepare myself and find only fear and lack of trust. Mostly when I planned a trip by car to places I’m more or less familiar with, I talk the route through with my partner. What happens then is I see the trip within my mind like a film. This film all of a sudden stops and a blank/black appears. After a few seconds I start the film again where I left off and then I totally freak out. I already within that point of blackness would fear to get lost, based on the black hole experience. Getting back here/the physical was always quite difficult, since I didn’t trust myself enough to get out of my mind. I feared my physical reality and I completely trusted my mind reality, that’s so funny in a way and totally in reverse. Only when I restored this connection between those separated fragments of film again, I felt safe enough/trusted myself enough to do the car trip. Whenever I would go and still not restored this connection I would freak out in the car again, being sure that I would never arrive and got lost forever. Again here a lot of limitation I’ve imposed onto myself, never being able to spontaneously go somewhere without having stomach aches and anxiety.

Last week I planned to drive to the capital city of our region with the kids to buy some shoes and fabric for new clothing. Still being separated from my partner, who works in the Netherlands, I was on my own for directions. So as usual when my partner is present I got into the car when I decided to go and drove off. With almost no LPG nor gasoline in the car I decided to take the first petrol pump and fill up. It was closed, which is quite extraordinary. The second one also closed and the third one had self service on the gasoline, so I inserted money in a machine and got some expensive gasoline to get me to a next pump for my LPG. Anxiety was building up of not knowing where to go for the necessarily fuel to get anywhere for that matter. Then we entered the toll road and right after the toll gates we had to make a choice which direction to take. Non of the two choices seemed common sense to me, my daughter said it’s the left one, so I turned left. After a while I recognized the scenery and became more confident, the anxiety subsided. When we were finished shopping and had to go home we entered the toll road again. Right after the toll gates again two direction to choose from, but this time non of us knew which one was the right direction. Here in Italy the direction on the highway is the biggest city at the end of this highway, this generates a lot of confusion within me since I do not know the Italian road system by heart. We took the wrong turn and due to work in progress we could not exit the highway before driving 30 km. I left the toll road to get to the other side and asked a policeman how to get there and wether he knew about gas pumps being closed, since I still hadn’t found any LPG. He wasn’t aware of any strike what so ever and recommended a gas pump not far away on the highway. Indeed we could fill up the car exactly where the policeman had told us, when we entered our region again all gas pumps were closed, so definitely one of the many strikes here in Italy. As much anxiety I had on my way to this capital city as less anxiety I had when taking the wrong turn on the toll road. I realised within that moment that I was not prepared at all for this trip, I had no map or navigator so yeah I should be concerned when it comes to finding my directions. I could have easily stopped the car and look at a map where to go. I knew I had to walk my consequences in real time and that nothing much would happen to me except of using up more fuel than necessary. I mean there was no real fear or danger, at a certain point I would find my way again and drive home. And that was exactly what happend, we all took our responsibility and watched the signs for directions. We debunked my fear of lost, because I didn’t get lost as in getting lost forever. I calmed myself down by stopping this fear in the moment, I breathed through it, did Self-forgiveness and directed the point and myself.

So the bottom line here is trust, I wasn’t able to trust myself within being my directive principle and ready to deal with the consequences of my acts. Now I am and walk the consequences step by step, breath by breath, to learn from them and not repeat it again. My mind isn’t my soulmate anymore, it’s a tool/measurement and not something to participate/induldge within. I am my best friend as me as my body and mind and there is no need to sabotage it, since that would only reflect in my outer world and therefore harm/abuse others. Once we understand that doing what is best for all includes all and therefore also me/us, there is no valid reason to abuse/sabotage life and to reverse our evolution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to personify myself with not having a sense of direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting lost. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself enough to see that I am capable of directing/guiding myself throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose mind reality over the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear as normal and common sense/directive principles as non existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is normal and acceptable to go through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic when entering this fear of getting lost, instead of directing myself by slowing down and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my mind as my soulmate, instead of seeing that my physical body is the reason why I live on this planet and my mind is a tool to see what I’ve  accepted and allowed during my presence on this earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my fear of getting lost limit myself to such an extend that I wasn’t able to spontaneously go hiking/ take a car trip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others for the sake of my desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go hiking alone due to the fear of getting lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect within dishonesty with my friends to get their guidance while hiking, instead of seeing that I could have asked to asst me with finding my way out in the woods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to enjoy hiking in the moment out of a constant fear of getting lost or being preoccupied with thoughts/scenarios of what if I get lost.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I can always choose to direct myself in the best interest of all and fear will not really prohibit my choice to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust another to guide me, instead of seeing that only I can direct myself within self-responsibility with the assistance and support of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my directions to a certain address, instead of seeing that I was not able to trust myself. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and instead believed I would harm myself without the guidance of another.

I forgive myself that I haven’t  accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility for my life.

When and as I see myself participating within a trigger point of going into my mind to prepare myself before traveling. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by going into my mind I will not be here within the physical. I will instead participate within emotions/feelings/fears which results in not trusting myself or seeing myself as trustworthy to be able to direct myself within Self-honesty. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the lack of self-trust -prepare myself physically before traveling and participate equally.


Being robbed of self-trust 02/05/2011

While having a skype conversation with my parents, they told me that they had been the victims of a robbery. Their trailer which they use to go on holiday had been staying at several trailer workshops to fix issues that were still within the guarantee. I already wrote in another blog that my parents are real Houdini’s when it comes to manifesting whenever they buy something new. So this winter the aftermath of this creating process had to be fixed.

They went to the last workshop where they had left the trailer to pick it up and prepare it for a short holiday break. When they arrived nobody had taken the effort to take the trailer already to the parking area where my dad could hook it to the car. When the workshop owner finally got the trailer from the back of the shop, they discovered that the trailer still had to be cleaned. My parents arrived at 10 am and left  around lunchtime, too much relieved about the fact that they could finally leave, they didn’t check the trailer right away.

The moment they entered the trailer it was a mess inside. My mom immediately missed the quilts and pillows which I made them last year and other stuff that wasn’t theirs was lying in the bathroom. So my mom asked if the shop owner had mixed up things from other owners and if she could have here stuff back. The owner told them that they never moved stuff out of the trailers while being in repair. The trailer had traces of black soot and they found burnt matches everywhere along with my moms tea lights. After inspecting the trailer even more thoroughly they found out that a hatch on the outside was forced and that someone had gone inside the little box and made it’s entrance inside the trailer. The tables had been notched and all closets where searched and messed up. So either a junk or a homeless person had been sleeping in the trailer over the weekend and took the guilts and pillows with him/her after leaving.

While my parents spoke about the whole event and when they told me they had washed/scrubbed everything clean in order to be able to use it again. Meaning they had to wash away the memory and the nasty feelings of the back chat. My parents and I had in that moment the same a specific memory that popped up right away, my grandfather. After a burglary in the house of my grandparents, my grandfather changed mentally. He felt groped and almost assaulted after thieves went into their home while they were asleep. For weeks he spoke about this event of which I can see now that he was possessed with, this feeling of being groped/assaulted. He never spoke about the loss of the possessions/items the thieves had taken away, only about the feelings and emotions. Within little time he developed a tumor in his neck/throat which could be removed successfully, but the feelings/emotions still consumed him. He became a zombie and really sick, then the doctors found out he had lung cancer and within a few months he died. He died because he let himself being robbed of his self-trust, he didn’t feel safe anywhere anymore not even amongst his own family.

I told them, out of my own fear of losing them, that they better not let these feelings consume them just as had happened with my grandfather. It was my mom’s dad and she as well as I are carrying the genetical download of this family, better stop the pattern when it still can. My mom is really introvert, so lets see how this develops. Maybe a nice entrance to show them how to deal with these feelings and at the same time an almost impossible job when I consider that they do not understand that they are their own creator and therefore responsible for all within their life’s.

So when being robbed, it’s not so much the loss of a possession, it’s about the loss of a memory and feelings/emotions that are attached to the memory. I saw this really clear when my mom expressed that she’s really sick about not having the quilts anymore. The quilts that I, her daughter, made. It’s that exact memory, of me making those quilts for her, that turn those quilts as a memory into an entity which my mom now mourns over. Therefore when things are stolen from someone, that being is robbed of his/hers memories which have emotions/feelings attached to it. That feels as if something out of them/part of them is brutally taken away. Next they judge themselves and blame themselves for the fact that they could not protect themselves of being robbed. This results in the feeling that they do not have any self-trust left, it’s taken way. They allowed it to be taken away, they gave away their self direction, the moment they felt groped and assaulted. When one realises that this whole play out is a play out within the mind, an energetic game of moving your waters.

When we stick to what reality is offering us, we see inequality. One person is taking from another who has more than the other. We see someone that is living on the streets, out of mental or drug problems, someone who does not have a roof above his/her head. We see possessions that are no longer there and need to be replaced, which can be done painless within the current system through insurances as long as you belong to the people with money. But all of this is totally unnecessary when all have an equal start in life. Then we do not have to take from others and we do not need the existence of insurances that are feeding of the fear for a possible theft.

Lets rob humanity of fear and we then can finally dedicate our life’s to life instead of following a mind reflection stored in our waters.

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Not now! 11/02/2011

Lately I have been enjoying the communication with my body, I finally became aware of it. I had separated myself in such an extent from my body that even the signal to take a pee was something I totally ignored. This resulted in a huge trained bladder, but I can’t remember if I ever desired a big bladder.

Listening to my body when it comes to food has opened a whole other world and also here I enjoy the simplicity and collaboration with my own body. In a way it has given me more self-trust.

A few weeks ago just a week after my menstruation, my body started already to inflate in preparation for the next menstruation. It’s amazing how much my body parts can inflate and stay that way for a week or two weeks and then all of a sudden it deflates within an hour or less. It’s almost as if I imagine the sudden inflation and deflation, but in these moments I physically fit hardly in my bra or trousers and when it’s gone I have space left.

Last night just before I went to bed I felt an aching within my abdomen and figured it might be gas. I prepared myself for bed and the undressing part is in winter an horribly cold experience, but once I touch the mattress of my waterbed  I return to normal temperatures again. Within this moment of lying in bed I do not enjoy it when for what ever reason I have to get out my bed again. So lets rewind this, when I undressed and felt the pain I had a flash going through my mind while asking myself when my next menstruation date was due. I completely ignored this flash, because it implied not stepping in my bed while being cold due to undressing myself. Further in order to check my menstruation date I had to go downstairs again and start my computer again and look into my calender and become an ice lolly. Instead I stepped into my bed and enjoyed the warmth of it. While lying in bed I had another flash about me bleeding in bed and having to wash my sheets the next morning. I didn’t pay any attention to it at all and fell asleep.

In the middle of the night I woke of a nasty tickle in my throat. I never wake myself up in the middle of the night and not at all for a tickle in my throat. A feeling of agitation came over me, why was my body wakening me and why did it want to speak to me in the middle of the night? I started coughing, but quite soon I understood that it wasn’t going away. Before I knew it I stood beside my bed and headed for the bathroom. At this point I was completely awake and drank some water to calm down the tickle in my throat. I decided to take a pee since I was awake and standing in front of the toilet. I produced a few drops and didn’t think it was worth it while sitting on a cold toilet seat for just a few drops. When I wiped myself I noticed blood on the toilet paper, my menstruation had just started and did not even stain my painty. I took measures and went back to bed. Okay, so that was it what my body was communicating with me, that which I was ignoring so obstinately.

Only this morning I realised that I again had been ignoring my body speaking to me. My body did quite some attempts to communicate and I kept saying: NOT NOW! I thought that I was apparently directing my own body when it came to my menstruation, but that was not really the case, it’s just a full automated program running already for many years. The only choice or freedom I have within this is deciding if I’m going to participate within the menstrual pains and discomforts or not.

I enjoyed my new acquired communication with my physical body, but only when the message suited me. Communication with my body is unconditional and may not be based on desires and mindfucks. So from now on I have to be more in the present and be aware of my own physical body. This time I was ignoring an unwanted message and I was within my mind already busy with the next task, going to dreamland.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore signals of my physical body such as having to pee.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being here and therefore missing out on the communication attempts of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to hear certain messages from my body and others I ignore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can change my menstruation cycle by ignoring it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in the future doing already my next task.


Where do I stand 08/01/2011

After writing some comments on Facebook today and writing about self-trust, I looked back on my process so far. I had to admit towards myself that I’ve been making progress, I’ve been taking on quite some points and I indeed gained more self-trust on these points.

It became so clear to me that I’m not those points based in fear and points of ego/personality which I always saw as a part of me and that I do have the power to not participate within them. Stopping myself and experiencing and living what breath really means.

In the beginning, 2,5 years ago, I understood the word breath and I defined the word breath according to my mind. Without breath there will be death, that was my actual understanding of the word. I had no idea that I could take back my power over myself by simply breathing. The breathing and the 21 days breathing I saw as an impossible mission, now I’ve proven to myself that it can be done.

While taking on several points I realized that I’ve only yet been scratching the surface and that it takes patience, time and breath to get to the core of it, but I will. I’m determined and I trust myself enough that I will get there.

A few blogs ago ( I can’t stand my physical body for showing me reality and the truth about myself) I found out that I fear the death of my ego, after writing that blog I also discovered that it had also to do with the fear of not rebirthing as the physical due to the amount of time I statistically have when it comes to life expectation. I’m not old, but I’m not 18 anymore. So I made peace with it, I can only do so much within self-honesty and within time. I’m simply passing the baton to my children and to everybody that’s living longer than me and willing to stand. I do not want to live my life with this one goal, rebirthing,  like a sword hanging over my head. This would mean specialness and ego again, so I walk my process in self-honesty and see where I end up, in a way it doesn’t matter as long as my process is done in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and to let the fear take over.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m my ego and that my personality is real and me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I wasn’t in a position to take back my power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I within ego was real and had all the power I needed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that breath is only a physical necessity instead of seeing that breath is life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see breathing as an impossibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can not rebirth myself as the physical due to age and make this my most important goal in life, instead of taking my process for what it is without any specialness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be special when rebirthing myself as the physical.


Diet update 04/12/2010

Last Monday I stripped all food and beverages except for water from my diet. I started with carrots Monday and added first slowly a new food type to my diet, now I’m adding a few new food types every meal. The reason for this radical diet was an overall bad feeling in my body and overproducing of mucus and heartburn after eating food. This feeling has been slowly manifesting itself through time, for how long it has been I do not really know, at least half a year. I’m testing the food by eating it and watching if there occurs a physical reaction. If there is a reaction than I’ll test through muscle communication what within this food or the whole food is giving me this reaction. The foods that give me a physical reaction I put on a list to be tested with muscle communication. This to find out what this food is presenting to me, which feelings/emotions/thoughts are attached to it, so I can work it through and diffuse those points. The foods that are now a no way area, can be in the future food that I will eat again. I created this reaction on the food so I can de-create this reaction and move on.

Till so far I have reactions to: potatoes, pineapple, pistache nuts, polenta, two types of beans, wholemeal flower, oregano powder and chili powder. The reactions go from a lot of mucus to heartburn to burping and regurgitation. These heavy reactions I have now, while doing the experiment, I never had before. It’s all really in the face and pointing out to me that I have to take responsibility within these points and direct myself. The further I get in process the more obvious the points are and impossible to get around. I really want to take them on and till so far I’m not even overwhelmed although I have lots of points to work on. I’m here in every moment and take on whatever is possible within that moment and breath.

I’m going to test through the wholemeal flower today to see what it is telling about me and my process.

Trustable is the feeling that is attached to it. After searching for the definition in my dictionary I tested the following sentence; will you trust us till payday? Is this about trust in others or trust in myself? It’s about trust in myself. Has this point anything to do with  my partner P.’s unemployment? Yes, it does. Does it also have to do with the small jobs we do to sustain ourselves wherein we’re always in fear, because of the imbalance of incoming and out going amounts of money? Yes, also this point is valid within the tested feeling of trustable. So I do not trust myself within the point of bringing enough money home to pay the bills? Yes. Is this not trusting a worry that has arisen out of common sense or is it a fear from the mind? Okay it’s a fear coming from the mind, therefore not real.  Indeed not real, because I started DIP and are the recruiter of two recruits, so in time the more recruits there will be, my income will increase.

To give myself more clarity I tested for a book and found the following piece; “Intellectually I know that no task is too big for Self. But emotionally I’m just not sure. Not so much if Self can handle it, but more if Self will intervene”. Where I put the word Self the book said God. I tested if I could replace God with Self and it tested for yes. My interpretation of this is as following; in common sense I know that no task is too big/heavy for myself, but my mind gives me these fears that make me “think” that I will fail. Than I’m doubting if I will act when things get too though.

This is really cool, the point of unemployment was obvious already in my face. The underlining emotion was not really in my face. So these sudden food reactions are helping me through the most important points right now. Wow I’m really grateful for this process I’m giving myself!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the food types I listed till so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to trust myself within the job point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my capability of earning enough money to sustain myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to earn enough money to sustain myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not trusting myself within earning money, while I know that this fear is of the mind and will only limit myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fear so I limit myself within earning enough money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself when it comes to acting and intervening when things get though.