Sylvia's writing to freedom

2012 re-defining words: How I allowed the word WEAK to make me WEAK 08/04/2012

When finishing my last Mind Construct of a series of mc’s within my Desteni I Process, I found myself stuck at the part of word re-definitions. I hadn’t realised how much I allowed these, at first sight, innocent words to have an impact on me. Behind these words was hidden a whole universum of entangled emotions and feelings, hidden from my conscious daily living. While after taking a closer look these words had/have a tremendous  influence on my daily life. The word weak was the last hiccup I had within my mc and within this blog I will show the road that I traveled while working with the word WEAK.

First of all I came to the realisation that the word WEAK, as an English word, had made far more impact on me than the Dutch equivalent when I’m speaking my mother tongue. When I hear the word WEAK in English I even feel a physical sensation/reaction to the word WEAK. When I have a look at the 2 different languages, Dutch and English,  I can see that English is the language of the ego. Which means that I’m activating ego points within me when using, hearing or writing the word WEAK. That doesn’t sound to weird in a way, since Weak is the other end of the polarity of STRONG, it’s participating within comparison when using or experiencing myself within the word WEAK. Comparison is of the ego, since we always want to be at the better end of the equation. So was I, whenever I was dealing with WEAK I was fighting to become STRONG. Therefore my relationship with WEAK has been one of fighting against the fear to become WEAK or to be seen as WEAK.

I always wanted to experience myself as STRONG, even as a child, WEAK within the society I grew up in was considered as a bad, not a desirable state of being. I was born at the end of the 1960’s, where in the seventies the women movements, the Hippie days, were showing us women that we had the power. Girl Power another belief that replaced the role women had thus far, because within a society where no one yet believed in Girl Power and the equality of men and women it’s merely a belief/desire that women are STRONG or even stronger than men. The whole concept of STRONG and WEAK totally polarized, what made many women disorientated within a lack of understanding of who they were. One can feel STRONG and say, I am STRONG, while licking the asses of the men, but does that make someone strong as in stable? Society didn’t give women the same rights, simply because women didn’t live the word STRONG, they used it in their fight to get rid of this nasty feeling of being stigmatized as WEAK.

How many times have we as women not ridiculed men for not being capable to give birth to a child, in our perspective men wouldn’t be STRONG enough to bear the pain and to fulfill 9 months of discomfort. The question is, do we really know whether men are too WEAK to give birth to a child? No of course we do not know that and it even doesn’t matter. It’s simply another game to fight within the polarity of STRONG and WEAK. Then going from the Hippie era to the eighties and nineties we as women discovered that sex was the real power we had. When we were sexually attractive to men, seen through our own eyes charged with societies slogans, then we would be STRONG and in control over our own life. Are we? Looking at where this belief lead us, up in 2012 where our total world is sexualized out of one desire: profit. Are we women the STRONG ones? Did we win the battle we started many years ago? Or are we still experiencing ourselves as WEAK and dressing it up as STRONG? I for sure am.

Throughout my life I have been impulsed by this polarity of STRONG and WEAK and I’ve been acting upon it. As a child I saw my mom in the role of a housewife pleasing my dad to gain self-worth and I decided to do it differently. When I had to choose school directions for a future career, as a teenager, I aimed at being a doctor and saw being a nurse, what was more within my reach, as a typical female job. To me it was less then a doctor, confirmed by the roles within society for women and the embodiment of WEAKNESS. I ended up in art school and was within the profession of an artist too WEAK to earn enough to make a decent living. My dad advised me to seek for a rich man, so again my WEAKNESS was confirmed and I had to search for a STRONG rich man to rescue me from myself and my self made choices. The rich man I’ve never  found and I switched career plans and studied social work. Within my marriage I ended up being a housewife when I had my kids and enjoyed being at home with my kids, though in the back ground I had this belief running that I had maneuvered myself within a WEAK position. I didn’t make my own money and therefore I was within my marriage at the WEAK end of the polarity. So that added another point on to the perception of being WEAK, money.

Over the last few years of my life money has been a big issue, or better said the lack of money. I experienced/perceived myself as WEAK within society without having a job and enough money to make a living. On top of that my body started having numerous of problems, due to poor food and poor housing. I became a little bit more grey, my skin  started wrinkling, it’s called aging, though I perceived it as WEAK. My body was weakening and I saw it as giving up on me. Due to aging the point of no longer feeling sexually attractive has a whole other starting point than when I was in my twenties. Within common sense these wouldn’t be issues to make myself feel WEAK, but within ego as in comparison, I saw that I was doing far more less than the people around me who I perceived as STRONG. At this point I had sunk into my own created shit a little bit too deep, so fighting WEAK in order to become STRONG wasn’t the way to walk this.

My partner and I walked the money point backwards to see how and why we had created the point where we were at right now. It was our desire to be STRONG and independent from society that made us separate from that very society. Society on it’s turn bite us in the ass, since we were playing the polarity of WEAK and STRONG. In order to free ourselves from this polarity within the money point, we simply had to break the separation point and go back and participate within society again. It’s a long way to go, but we are doing okay. My partner has a nice job again and we will be able to stabilize our financial situation within the coming years. We practically walked our consequences within the physical to dissolve all the noise as emotions/feelings/fears that had us brought into a scary non desirable position within society.

While my partner has his new job in the Netherlands and I am in Italy with our 2 kids, the whole household that was created around 2 people has been placed on my plate. I’m running the household almost 4 months on my own now and I’m getting physically weaker. I never had split the wood or dug myself twice out of 2 meter of snow, I basically never did the most heavy tasks around the house, simply because I couldn’t handle it physically. Now together with my kids I’m doing all of these tasks and my left arm started to protest after a month or so. I figured it was just a normal muscle ache and I kept using it to not let it become rigid. Though the pain became only more severe and now it is like I have a constant muscle ache whether I use my arm/hand or not. The strength in my arm/hand has reduced immensely. I decided not to see a doctor due to the costs and having a daughter that really needed medical attention when she got diagnosed with Hyper-mobility. Which hasn’t been a cool choice to suppress my own needs out of lack of money. So again I find myself within the polarity of WEAK and STRONG. I feel totally WEAK when I have to prioritize the things that I can do on a daily base. Typing a blog in the morning means not doing any typing for the rest of the day, sewing clothing means less activity for the rest of the day. So now I perceived my body as WEAK and not cooperating with me and not realizing that I am my body and I caused this distress within my body. I am not WEAK neither STRONG within comparison and polarity. It’s simply my physical that for the moment isn’t coping with the changes I made within my physical reality and if that means I need to take a lot of rest, then let it be so. It is not me limiting myself through having a non functional arm, it’s my body that says, hey stop abusing the physical, stop, breathe and change the way you are living. I wanted to be STRONG, be the partner that could keep the Italian household running as it was, showing off in a way. The question is, who is benefiting from this showing off? As far as I am concerned nobody, so it has to stop and I have to plan my life differently to be able to cope within my physical limitations. Limitations that are not per se WEAK or there to bully me, but simply what is here.

I can see now how much the word WEAK was representing and how much I labeled it as negative. It was almost impossible to re-define this word WEAK while being stuck in all this self created noise around it. A re-definition of a word will give the word a new charge that is best for all life always. In my situation there was no room for best for all, my ego was in the way so to speak.

These are the attempts I did within re-defining while not being clear on the word WEAK:

*Weak – experiencing physical weakness/chemical imbalance within one’s current situation/allocation within one’s world while one’s basic needs are met.

Here I was only considering physical weakness of humans, so I left the animals and objects out. This definition was about me and showed me where I was at that moment, though it had nothing to do with a re-definition in the best interest of all.

*Weak – is the breaking point of directing oneself into complete awareness of being one and equal to Life.

Here I was aiming at polarity and again just the very point where I was at in that moment. Though polarity cannot be included in a re-definition that is best for all.

*Weak – is when people/animals/objects/items are not one with/equal to the whole group.

Here I do consider more than only myself or humanity though now I add comparison, the very point I was entangled in. A point of ego cannot be part of a re-definition since ego has nothing to do with what is best for all.

*Weak – is when a being/animal/object has no longer the ability to function within their specific expression/purpose.

Here I assume that all is STRONG to begin with when I say “no longer the ability”, therefore it is still a polarity and not in the best interest of all life when it comes to re-definitions.

*Weak – the loss of the ability to function within a specific self-expression.

Here I do the same as in the previous re-definition only now “no longer” is replaced by “loss”. The word loss has polarity and comparison within it and is therefore not to be used as best for all re-definition.

*Weak – a self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage of it’s existence that is not preferable in all situations.

Here the self-expression is seen as negative “not preferable” so it charges the re-definition with a negative charge and is therefore not suitable for a re-definition in the best interest of all.

*Weak – is a form of self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage that is not effective in all situations.

Here I do the same as in the previous re-definition, only now I call it “not effective” though it has still a negative charge and comparison within it.

*Weak – is a form of self-expression that already existed or developed in a later stage that is aberrant for it’s kind and detracts it’s nature.

Here I am at full steam and within desperation of not moving towards a re-definition I add all ingredients that are not at all reflecting what is best for all. “Aberrant” and “detracts” I used here deliberately to wrap up the negative charge in a nice wrapping.

*Weak – is an existing/resulting expression that exist temporarily/as a constant that will compromise the power of the whole and results in a temporarily/constant separation of the whole.

Here I mixed several previous re-definitions that had proven to be inadequate and again it is full of negative charge and comparison. At this point I surrendered, I was tired, frustrated and truly feeling WEAK. At this point I realized that I had to write out that what was attached to the word WEAK within my conscious world. I asked my buddy to assist and support me to get me through this point. In the end she gave me her definition, that she had come up with together with my moderater, of the word WEAK. She asked me to consider this re-definition and at first I didn’t see it work, while I was still blurred with all the bullshit that I had attached to it.


Yes, this simple it is. The first thought that came up after seeing that this re-definition does consider what is best for all was,” I didn’t do it myself”. So I basically went into WEAKNESS here. I stopped and I breathed, there is no need for being the inventer of things, when something is already within the best interest of all we can all use it. As long as we can see that it is in the best interest of all. So without acting from a point of ego I’m adopting this re-defintion into my Mind Construct and see it as support instead of WEAKNESS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as weak compared to the strong I desire to be. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the words weak and strong to charges myself with positive and negative feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others when it comes to the word weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of weak and strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my ego as a directive principle to guide me through my experiences when it comes to weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as strong throughout my life, instead of seeing that this experience was merely there to cover up my true feeling of being weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the impulsing from society around the word weak as an excuse to not take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak by lacking enough money to sustain myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my body for giving upon me and making me weak, instead of seeing that I allowed my body to become weak, but that doesn’t mean I am weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight the feeling of weak to feel strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as less than my daughter when it comes to medical assistance due to  financial priorities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel weak when I cannot do all the tings I want/desire to do on a daily base while having a dysfunctional arm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical out of fear to experience limitations that I already had placed for myself to begin with by abusing the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show of and picture myself as strong to my outside world.

When and as I see myself going into emotions/feelings around the word weak. I stop, I breathe and realize that acting from a point of ego within comparison and polarity will lead me nowhere. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the emotions/feelings around the word weak and I will use the re-definition of the word weak, to guide me/show me the living expression of the word weak.


Raped through my own back chat 19/02/2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — enomis @ 13:09
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This morning I had the weirdest dream ever, one with a lot of symbolism that showed me how back chat* can literally fuck with us to the extent of rape. I never had dreams about being raped and this wasn’t really about the physical act of being raped, more about the consequences and why it came to this point.

I was at a fair in a building where there were many spaces and all were decorated/furnished like little cafe’s,  so basically catering like settings all furnished with dark wood and almost no light. I spoke to people who I never had met before, I was there with people who I didn’t know at all. I remember feeling a bit out of place, almost like “what am I doing here”.

The dream switched to the point that I awoke within my dream, not sure where I was. Within a few seconds I knew I wasn’t in my own bed and then I realized I wasn’t in a bed either. I still had my eyes closed, pretending to sleep and too afraid to open my eyes to disturb the person I felt was in the room with me. Not knowing if there was real danger to look out for. I heard the other being dressing him/herself and I decided to act as if I awoke at that moment. Then I saw that I was lying on the floor of one of those cafe’s wearing black lace fancy panties and and a bra. Undergarments I never wear myself and when I looked up I looked in the face of an acquaintance of my partner and myself. He looked down on me while zipping his pants and he laughed at me like a mad man. He said something like, so this dirty job has been done. Within that moment I exactly knew what he was talking about, he raped me and I couldn’t remember anything except for having a sore anus. He disappeared and a cleaning lady entered the cafe looked at me at the floor and let me be while cleaning the room.

I dressed and looked for the people I didn’t know, with whom I had gone to this fair. I didn’t see them, but I met new people that I didn’t know. When I looked at a clock I saw it was already noon and I was supposed to be home the evening before. A thought went through my mind about how my partner and kids must be worried by now. So I tried to get a ride home from someone, still feeling dirty, unreal and not ready to talk about what had happend.

There was one lady who said that she wanted to bring me home, so I stayed with her till she decided to leave the fair. This lady wasn’t ready to leave soon so I started to become more worried and longing to be home already feeling the arms of my partner around me to comfort me. I remember going from one room to another almost loosing my patience. Then I met someone that was living in my neighborhood who also needed a ride home so I asked the lady if she also was willing to take the lady from my neighborhood with her. “Yes no problem she said”, but still didn’t go home.

Another jump in the dream placed me at home. Although it didn’t look like home, everybody was out in the streets, sitting in little groups talking to each other and having a great time. At a certain point I found my partner and I felt a relief, though I wasn’t able to get his attention. I wasn’t able to speak to him alone and I wasn’t planning to go public with my experience of being raped. Between the moment I awoke in the cafe and now being “home” I had done some investigation about the why and how of what had happened to me.

The man that apparently raped me is a man on which I had a lot of back chat. So I knew I had fucked myself by participating within back chat and it had fucked me right in the ass. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t know anything about being raped, not even about meeting this guy on the fair where I knew nobody. I was speculating whether he had put something in my drink, without me seeing him. There were still a lot of questions, but one thing was clear, I had created this myself and I knew that perfectly well. I felt dirty but not in a way as being the victim, it was perfectly clear to me that I was walking my own consequential outflow of this particular back chat and I had to walk it within my physical till it was done.

The main back chat I had about this man and his wife were related to my relationship with my partner P. This couple was claiming my partner too much in my perspective and instead of investigating this point within me I took it the most coward way and started having back chats about them. I already worked with this point, but there was still a little poisoning tale of the snake left.

I never had sexual fantasies about this man, although he is still good looking for his age according to society, I felt this antipathy for him based on my back chat. So he was a symbol in my dream of a man that I didn’t desire to have sex with and therefore standing as a nasty example of consequential outflow, when looking at the back chat. Finding out that I had performed anal sex with him was a point of disgrace to me. Having read a lot about it lately through investigating the abuse within the porn industry, anal sex is the lowest form of sex/disgrace for a woman in my opinion. Then not knowing anybody at the fair was a symbol of separation, I separated myself through back chat from reality. Furthermore I had no transportation myself while being at the fair, this point is a symbol for not directing my own physical reality while participating within back chat. Also this man stood for the system, he has a really good job within the system and represents the power of money. While I was roaming the fair in total separation from reality/ the system, the system took me from behind. And then not being able to reach out to my partner which equals to my separation to such an extend that I became an observer and not able to enter reality and direct myself in the best interest of all.

So rape stood for manifesting my own consequences. Anal sex stood for the disgrace of participating within back chat and being ashamed about it yet not ready to let fully go. The black lace underwear stood for temptation, the temptation to choose back chat over reality. The environment/setting in which it took place is also a point of temptation and asking for consequences, since I connect cafe’s with hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility. To me that’s a negative point and something I would not do within my reality yet within back chat there is neither any self-responsibility. The darkish environment stood for not standing day light, back chat is that secret inner talk that doesn’t stand day light due to it’s evil nature.

All in all a weird dream, bringing up points that I already  had been working on. Though by no longer being confronted with this person the back chat was no longer there. But that’s the tricky part and a subtle difference between not being there or no longer within my conscious daily living. If I dislike eating cauliflower, I stop eating it and claim that I no longer have problems with cauliflower,that moment I am entering this grey area of dishonesty. So I hadn’t really dealt with this back chat to the extent of it no longer being within my mind directing me. The source was simply no longer there to fuel my back chat, but the back chat was still there waiting for me to pick up there where I had left. There is even a possibility that whenever someone else would enter my reality with the same trigger points I had with this man of my dreams, that this type of back chat would transfer onto the next person.

This definitely was a wake up call for me to understand that back chats are only gone when they no longer occur in whatever form. Therefore it’s more the signature/origin of the back chat that counts than the person or situation it’s attached to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel antipathy for a man by not facing/directing my physical reality and therefore generating back chat towards this man while in fact it was me not coping with life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself with rape within my dream for having back chats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disgrace/shame about having anal sex, instead of seeing that I had disgrace/shame about my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the urge to humiliate myself within my dream with symbols that are standing for disgrace/humiliation in order to wake myself up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical reality through my participation within my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know that I’m not my directive force when participating within back chat and nevertheless participate within back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/money. (this is an old point that is coming in here, which indicates that there are still points to consider)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/money through participating within the polarity of not having money and therefore desiring money. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than the money system after being out of the system and not having any money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from reality through back chat to such an extent that I’m not able/knowing anymore how to reach out to reality while being an observer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that anal sex is equal to shame/deisgrace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that black lace underwear is equal to temptation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that cafe’s equal to hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that, hooking up on strangers to have sex and no strings attached and no self-responsibility, is a negative point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest within back chat and not facing reality.

*Back chats are all the thoughts we have within our mind related to our outer world, mostly attached to a person or situation. The back chat within our mind reality is decorated with emotions/feelings/reactions. It’s a way to deal with our physical reality from the perspective of our mind, in reality it’s a way to separate ourselves from our physical realty out of the fear to face ourselves within our physical reality.


Is my child having sex? 06/07/2011

This blog is removed due to the misuse of Desteni-haters, for the ones that would like to read this blog it’s available on the Desteni-site. On the Desteni forums haters are not allowed, we stand for what’s best for all and abusing personal information does not fit our principle.


Political clown or womanizer? 20/02/2011

Berlusconi, the oldster that directs the country that I live in is a man that represents the polarity of adoration and hatred. The majority of Italians adore him for the life he lives and the power he has and they long for the same kind of life. The minority hates him for destroying the country and the countries name on the world map. I may watch and have a whole lot of opinions, but my vote against him will not be heard as a foreigner living in Italy. I do not hate him nor adore him, I will only speak of what I see.

I see a man that is holding on to the memories of the good life he once had, still wanting to be the casanova of many years ago while his expiration date is since long expired. Buying all and everybody that is venal just to still this fear of losing his power. Fearing to lose his life where he pulls the strings, losing that what he determines as himself. Now life starts consuming him in a rapid way he grabs around him to take that what still reminds him of himself. He will always put himself first, he needs to be occupied with himself, consumed with himself in order to  constantly confirm himself that he’s still alive and not passed away in such a sneaky way that he didn’t notice the fact that he has diminished. What would you do when you were in the shoes of Berlusconi, driven by money, sex and power in order to feel alive? I would hate myself and fear the day that my people, the same people as where I am one of, would expose my fear of losing myself.

So by seeing how Berlusconi became who he is, I see that he isn’t capable of doing good for his country and the Italians in it, he’s incapable of doing good for the Europeans or doing good for the citizens of the world. The US thinks of him as a political clown and he’s aside from his sex scandals with minor girls being exposed on Wikileaks. He offended his European colleagues many times and is not really beloved around the globe. Although the man’s image is damaged nationally and internationally, he still thinks that he can be in office till the next elections in 2013. The majority of Italians that do belief the information they get from Berlusconi’s tv channels, newspapers and magazines keep on voting for him in parlement. In other words, we keep on going with this misery, only based on an image we have of somebody else and the image this person has of himself.

If we were only able to see why we think that we know a person by only knowing a few things about him, this world would not be the same as today. Whenever we are introduced to a new person we scan them in a few seconds and have a complete opinion and picture about this person. My picture of Berlusconi is coloured through my own memories and experiences. To me someone in his seventies isn’t the person that will lift up a country and isn’t still capable of being more then the sum of his memories. To me a person that needs validation from outside sources such as money, sex and power to be someone isn’t your man to rule the country. To me he’s a zombie who is ruling over zombies, which makes me a zombie too. So Berlusconi represents to me a nasty picture that I do not like, which makes every mistake he makes into a big misstep to me. If my picture of him was quite positive, a few mistakes wouldn’t have bothered me so much and I would give him a next chance.

We think we know each other while we not even know ourselves. Although I know 1 thing when I or someone else doesn’t pass the equality equation and isn’t acting in the best interest of all, over and over again, then such a person needs to be removed from the position he/she is in. Due to not knowing ourselves and all the others around us is disturbing enough in itself, but we may not let that cause situations of inequality. Several groups have gone protesting in the streets of Italy, making noise with pots and pans, but it will not change anything as long as we do not understand why our world is our world the way it is. Italy could be a potential candidate for riots, we already had some, but non as severe as Egypt and Tunisia. We are a 1st world country where a lot of people live in poverty and a minor group like our Berlusconi live in paradise or should I say: their home made hell.


Double life of a soldier 16/02/2011

I’m sick, sick to my stomach after watching a 10 minute during You Tube video about homecoming US soldiers. One after the other surprised their kids, spouses or partners, all dressed up in army clothing. I haven’t had such a strong reaction after watching  a video since I saw my first animal or human abuse movies. It was the same energy that made me nauseous then and now, this feeling of anger towards our hypocrite world and our irresponsible behavior. Where I definitely play my part in. So it’s anger towards myself for accepting and allowing these double life’s of soldiers and shams of what life really is.

All the grown ups and kids in the video had all the same physical reaction towards the loved one, the soldier. They literally climbed into the soldiers and cried and kissed them. When seeing this picture of a child that sees his/her daddy again, after months of absence, it brings cuteness to the picture. When I saw grown up women do the same I saw what was behind it, lust and sex. It was this kind of a release that finally their need for sex was again secured for a while. In a way it was this polarity that was presented to me, the innocent child versus the manipulative, I do everything for sex, adult. It made me sick because it was showing in such an obvious way how our world is fucked up. Money is sex and sex is money, money is power and power is war, therefore war is money and sex to stay in power.

How can we not see that it is asking for so much problems when you bring up your children with blood on your hands because you incidentally murdered another dad his child. Colateral damage you call it while the other dad calls it murder filled with hate. How can one ever justify murdering another for the sake of one’s fatherland. Soldiers are people who are used by their own government and are not considered as worthy by the same government. Of course they make you believe they care about you as a soldier, but that’s only advertisement to keep the war engine rolling. Without soldiers no war, without soldiers no free guinea pigs. These turf wars are just too ridiculous for words. We lie ourselves into other countries with the excuse to bring all kinds of delusions such as freedom and democracy, while we are simply there to steel their valuable commodities. Most soldiers really want to believe that they are in this foreign country for the sake of the people of this conquered country. How can you ever believe this propaganda when you are inside the wasp’s nest, what is it do you want to feel special? There are plenty occupations out there in which you can really make a difference but it isn’t the profession of a soldier that changes the world. It’s apart from prostitution one of the oldest professions in this world and it has always been a lie to cover up another lie. It did stand the test of time to proof itself as a delusion and a fine piece of work if it comes to manipulation and indoctrination.

Being a whore or a soldier doesn’t make that much of a difference. They both sell their bodies, their manual labor. They both have their life’s at risk and it’s all about money and power, but it’s not them that pulling the strings. It’s their bosses and the bosses of their bosses that want to be in power of all that is achievable within a lifetime or within a lifetime of several generations. So these bosses are in the game to gain as much as possible possessions and money, and then? Then you have all that your heart desires, AND THEN? Then you are still the same human with all your pathetic emotions and feelings and not to mention your no longer hide-able fears. WHAT THEN?

When only a few own everything and all the others have to obey you, it’s probably nice for a while. Just playing around with your foot sweeps and having this feeling of increasing power almost as a life elixer. The only thing is, in the face of your increasing feeling of power there is this increasing feeling of fear. Fear is capable of eating you up from the inside till you are an empty clamshell. Empty shells do not rule the world they die of an heart attack when least expected and diminish. The consequences though are for a lot of people within the physical who you leave behind, crippled and in hunger because you wanted it all. Isn’t this what we all secretly strife for to have it all for ourselves, we want our daddy for ourselves, our house, our car, our possessions, our country only for the people that are entitled to live in it, our world all for ourselves to pollute and abuse till we are all empty shells. Funny isn’t it, we all strife for the same thing yet it doesn’t bring us together it only separates us more. We can not all get this one thing so most of us end up disappointed in life and blame it on the others.

It doesn’t have to be this way, we can all have, so we do not end up disappointed in life. Simply by sharing and not wanting to manipulate the others to gain power over them. When you can share you with yourself you can share also yourself with others and suddenly borders and personal property isn’t that important anymore. If we don’t have to fear if we have money to sustain ourselves, we can share. If we don’t have to fear that others come and take our money we can be free of fear. There is no need to reach the ultimate form of power all for yourself if you instead can share this power and build an society that lives beyond fears, where everybody is sustained and can be a responsible member of society, a real asset.

Do you want to learn how to become this asset to society equal to all the others, then study the Equal Money System and see for yourself if you can be a vote for world equality. No one wants a daddy with blood on his hands for no reason at all.


My willy or your willy? 26/01/2011

Today it was kind of a willy day, now I come to think of it there are all kind of days for different causes (saints, mothers, fathers, animals, all kind of cancers etc.), but a willy day we probably don’t need. It’s ALWAYS willy day.

First this morning I was introduced to the “clone a willy kit” by Bernard. In China they are producing a DIY kit to make a replica of your willy, it’s a mystery who invented it. Probably someone who beliefs that the male ego is housed in a willy and that we all live in Willy World. Well maybe this person isn’t so wrong after all, our world is all about sex. It’s everywhere and even when you don’t see it you unconscious swallow the message.

Then I listened to Cameron’s video “What’s so great about free will?” Since the absurdness of the willy kit was still in my mind I read “what’s so great about free willy?” a split second later the movie of “Free Willy” popped also up in my mind and then a memory about a tv program in which a wife who was humungous in body size had a little husband with a little willy. When they had sex he was only tickling her. At the time of recording this program the willy kit didn’t exist yet, so she couldn’t ask her neighbor to clone his. She came up with the idea that her husband had to put his willy in a hollowed eggplant and then have sex with her. This memory of the eggplant was triggered by the word cucumber in the video of Bernard. An amazing tool this mind of mine, it took only one willy to pull a drawer open full of willies. The question is for what higher purpose am I having all these willies all of a sudden? You see my drawer is called the “unified consciousness field” which contains all human thoughts/pictures and that’s where we get our “own original” thoughts from.

So I ended up with all these willies for no reason at all, the only reason is a loaded unified field with sex related information where I’m getting my latest original thoughts from. It’s really funny when you see that for no reason at all your mind is giving you randomly information. As an ex-New Ager I liked to go into this “specific” information and make a whole illusionary world around it. Now I do not go further then investigating what definition I give to a specific word and in which constructs it has it’s connections. We are already from a young age being impulsed with all kinds of sexual images through advertising and movies, Walt Disney is a magnificent example of that.

Whenever we think/believe we are not influenced by advertising we are so wrong. Advertising is selling and selling goes through sex, because that’s what sells best. Sex equals money and money equals sex. Sex imprints are just everywhere even if we deny it. I always thought that I wasn’t possessed by it, I didn’t have these pervers thoughts and I wasn’t obsessed by willies. The question is wasn’t I? I searched for a stable and trustworthy willy by looking for the knight in shining armor who was willy-ing to stay with me till death does part us. Yes, P. I was after your willy! We all have these thoughts, but we are not a aware of it. After an assignment within my Desteni ‘I’ process I slowed myself down and experienced that these thoughts and pictures based on memories of myself or unknown,  were constantly flashing through my mind. This occurs so rapidly that if you do not know that they are there you’ll miss them. Of course there are also the obvious and visible ones and even those I dismissed as non existent out of shame. The thing is we all have a program running and no one is special or an exception within this. So I had to come into terms with myself, separating myself from these flashes and thoughts wasn’t the way to approach it. When they occur now, I simply do not participate within them, I will not accept or allow them to take me on a fantasy tour. We all need to know that these kind of thoughts and for that matter thoughts in general, can initiate and further accumulate horrible events within our world which makes our world as it is today. There is no excuse or willy in the world that is valid to not stop these thoughts.

These thoughts are only feeding our illusionary world which makes us belief that the free will(y) of a man is to free his willy. When men use their free will(y), they follow their willy. For a woman to act in free will(y) she also follows her willy. Since a woman hasn’t got an attached willy she needs to find/clone a willy for herself in order to have free will(y) all the time and experience freedom as in extase.

As long as money is sex and sex is money and we think that our ultimate freedom lies in having orgasmic experiences as much as possible, then we are living in a mind created illusionary world. When we breath and we are in touch with our physical world, it doesn’t take much effort to look around and see that sex is indeed money and money is sex. It’s the freedom that we will not find within our current orgasmic experiences. Which makes us sad robots chasing an ultimate feeling to find ourselves while we are here all along.


Pain in my upper neck, left side 29/12/2010

I’ve been struggling with sexuality lately and also experiencing pain in my upper neck, left side. First I blamed it on my headphone, this one is bigger than the ear plugs I had before. Every time as I was working on my writings or SRA I experienced this pain. Although I didn’t see much common sense in the explanation of the head phones, I left the point for what it was. Till tonight, I reacted on the pain with irritation. This pain gave me the experience of my head that became heavier and heavier and almost impossible to carry. The pain tired me and I decided to look it up in Veno’s Structural Resonance works. Not really a surprise to see what it stands for: the sex system. While looking this up my left jaw became painful as well. I also looked up what this jaw pain was representing; the courage to speak up. So that’s basically what I have here in this moment to work with, let’s see where to start from here.

By suppressing my sexuality I’ve been suppressing my sex system. Yesterday and the day before I worked through a part of my shame of my sexuality/fantasies/thoughts. I realise that these fantasies and thoughts are not me, but my pre-programming. There is no need to have emotions about my pre-programming/my ego, that’s only feeding the beast. After entering the process of letting go of this shame I started to experience arousal again. Certain movements or body postures re-activated my sexual system. As much as the shame isn’t me the arousal isn’t either. Suppressing as I experienced it, is not the answer to not participating in these emotions/feelings /thoughts. The answer might be to not suppress or participate within this sexual arousal, but instead diffusing it to a neutral point. In that case it won’t be something special or something to be ashamed of. In fact not participating is recognizing what is here in the moment and seeing it for what it is, nothing more and nothing less. Okay that’s clear, that makes sense.

Then there is the jaw pain which represents the courage to speak up. I muscle communicated that point and I came out on speaking up for my body, to keep my physical healthy. In order to do that I cannot participate within emotions/feelings/thoughts, those have each of them always physical outflows/consequences. Sex or better said arousal/lust that makes me desire sex, is the outflow of wasted energy that wants to be unloaded/released. Once that’s been build up and held within my system it will follow it’s way to another outlet and that’s not a desirable situation. Therefore I need to recognize and accept my physical body since it’s the only real thing here in my existence that’s keeping me here in the physical. It’s only one life and one body to do what needs to be done.

I can see that these pains have assisted me to search a bit deeper and in another direction to see what I’ve been participating in. Now I can forgive myself and apply the corrections accordingly within my day to day life.

While I’m searching for a picture  to add to this blog I came across a picture of a pillow. Suddenly I remembered that I knew this pain in my upper neck. I’ve had it for several years as a matter a fact when this sexuality problem was current. I needed a new pillow, because the old one had to be replaced. It was an almost impossible search for the right pillow. I bought several pillows, but the pain kept returning. getting up with a upper neck pain isn’t fun. Though for so many years my body was communicating with me and I didn’t speak the same language…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my headphones for the pain I experienced in my upper neck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on the pain in my upper neck part with irritation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the pain tired me instead of taking responsibility and direct myself in the moment when I first experienced the pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my sexuality and therefore my sex system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel arousal and for a moment see it as myself instead of seeing it as a feeling of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts/memories around certain movements and body postures that caused arousal within my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my body as important enough to recognize and accept it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hear my body communicating with me.