Sylvia's writing to freedom

Is my child having sex? 06/07/2011

This blog is removed due to the misuse of Desteni-haters, for the ones that would like to read this blog it’s available on the Desteni-site. On the Desteni forums haters are not allowed, we stand for what’s best for all and abusing personal information does not fit our principle.

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Time traveling to tralala land 03/07/2011

Recently I was explaining to someone that the energy, of which spirituality  speaks, is a non existing energy. Energy isn’t something that can be transmitted onto another person as if it was sound as if we are speaking with each other. It is something within the mind of one person and it becomes an surreal experience of that person. I illustrated this with energy transmitting as in Reiki, which I practised years ago. This conversation let me back to the Reiki evenings that I attended and after the conversation I had with this person I reflected further upon these evenings I had on a monthly base with a group of people.

My mother-in-law initiated me within Reiki and she was my master so to speak. The one I could turn to with questions. Every question I asked was answered by her with either, “I do not know” or “you are doing strange things with Reiki”, “I have no idea what you’re talking about etcetera”. So I was on my own and searched the web for answers, which wasn’t easy, to find genuine answers. At a certain point I found fellow Reiki practitioners and from one group I ended up into another. I stayed a few years with them as the group kept changing participants.

To me these evenings were my evening out doing my spiritual stuff. I was intrigued by this energy work, it gave me self-worth and last but not least specialness. I enjoyed belonging to this group though I perceived all the others as psychics and myself as a wanna be psychic. All the others had always amazing stories about how their energy powers had improved over the last month. I was just me and these stories made me quite insecure as if there was something wrong with me for the lack of these amazing stories. We were assigned to someone for the evening to practise the Reiki positions on and to develop our skills. In a way I felt threatened, I had this fear that they could see right through me and see my dishonesties. I simply didn’t want to share all with them.

We had one lady in the group and whenever she did Reiki on someone or received a treatment she was traveling in time back and forth. She could tell the most amazing stories, most of the time she drew symbols that she had received on her traveling. All the people in the group loved to hear her stories. Often she asked the one she was working with during such evening if they had traveled along with her. Also when I had her under my hands she disappeared totally in her mind, I of course did not see or feel anything. Due to the group pressure I kind of was ashamed for not being able to join her. At the same time I was strongly questioning her travel stories. The couple who organized it went completely along with this bullshit, so I thought it was me who was different. I never asked this lady what kind of books she had read and what kind of movies she had seen throughout her life. That probably had explained a lot of her amazing stories.

Whenever I was treated by someone else I never felt any energy, so I started wondering if I was blocking their energy, if it didn’t work on me or were they just bragging about their energetic abilities. When I had to say something about a person when we did our evaluation round I used cold reading, of which I back then didn’t know the name yet. I was very good in remembering what people were telling every meeting and I watched their body language really close. I registered their reactions towards others when psychic information was revealed. Whenever I told a person something about them within the evaluation round I was never telling them something new, I simply compiled a story with the information I’d got about them during the meetings and they always went into denial. To me it was clear that people preferred to hear only positive tralala information about themselves and absolute no confrontation with reality. I mean also I feared to be discovered for dishonesties, but it made me think though.

One evening a psychic medium was invited and we were asked to bring an item for this lady to touch. She could give information from the afterlife from diseased people that were close to us. I defined this as a special ability, to be able to predict or tell information through objects and for he most part of the evening my ability to apply common sense was gone. I was even nervous to get to my turn. I brought a broche from my great grandmother and I was eager to here something about her. Wow what a disappointment, all the other stories sounded so amazing and these people were almost flabbergasted. She told me that my great grandmother was dancing in heaven and having a great time and that was it. I never went to such a gathering again, we even had to pay for it.

So I was seeing the facts and I had experienced the fact that there was no transmission of energy going on and there was no such thing as someone telling me stuff I didn’t already know. Yet it took me quite a while to get off of this energy bullshit. It was the specialness and personality building around it that I wasn’t eager to let go off. It was the need for my “special hands”, I called my hands my first aid kit. On holidays I only took bandages and iodine with me, when ever the kids fell and hurt themselves I treated them with Reiki and stopped their wounds from bleeding. Now I can see that I wasn’t a master in Reiki I was a master in persuading people to manifest.

The turning point of no longer using my hands on others, was when I had treated an acquaintance several times and I expressed that his chest/heart area wasn’t feeling okay as in not okay energy. Weeks later I found out that the guy was brought to hospital with an ambulance after a heart attack. I felt so fucking guilty. In a way I felt and believed to be the causer of his heart attack and on the other hand I saw that I had planted a seed of fear within this guy which led him to a heart attack. It all felt so fucked up, I feared my capability for doing evil within an attempt of doing good. Good for my own profit. Not much later I found Desteni and energy work/spiritualism was one of the first things I investigated within the Desteni materials. To find out that it’s all in the mind, if it was real, love and light had already saved our planet. Our planet is in need of real solutions and no fantasies about the solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to blame my mother-in-law for not being of any support, while I was blaming me for having no answers to the chaos and search for specialness and purpose I was in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to seek specialness to gain self-worth through my actions instead of valuating myself for who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to believe in energy work as real since it provided me a personality with which I increased my self worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear my dishonesties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear myself for what I am capable of when it comes to creating and manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear evil inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to live in a fantasy bubble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to feel jealousy on others who I perceived as psychic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to see my hands as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to need a purpose in life that is important and of value, instead of seeing that being here as me as life is enough.

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of specialness I stop and breath. I realize that seeking specialness is participating within the mind, while being here in every breath is being me and no longer searching for me within specialness. I will no longer participate within specialness, since there is no need to search outside myself in order to feel alive. I’ll direct myself to participate within the physical and not hiding within the mind behind any form of specialness.

 

The bathroom scale 03/02/2011

This morning while picking up the bathroom scale I had this memory flash of buying this particularly scale from Ikea. We already had a scale, one with a clock face, a manual one. Every time when I stood on the scales I didn’t trust the amount of kilo’s it was pointing out to me. A nice one actually, I didn’t trust that what was pointed out to me and didn’t want to look at the clock face for being confronted with the actuality of that moment. So what does a well programmed being in such a situation? Desiring for another scale, one that is precise and never lies. Ooh Sylvia what were you wishing for? So after repeatedly asking my partner P. when he drove by an Ikea to bring home a digital bathroom scale, finally we bought one when we were together at Ikea. I felt like a kid with a handfull of candies. When we came home I tried the scale, I wasn’t the first one and I wasn’t that eager. I had formed this idea that a digital scale never makes mistakes,  it probably doesn’t make mistakes, but was that the point I was dealing with? I stilled the desire for a trustful scale, but did I still the trust within myself?

When I, at the age of 21, followed my self made diet I didn’t have a scale, I simply watched my body and how I was fitting into my clothes. Back then I convinced myself that I didn’t need a scale, which was kind of looking the other way and having a back door in case I didn’t loose that an amount of weight as I desired. I became skinny on a strict though varied diet, not that I was fat to begin with, but as every women I had these pictures in my head of what was preferable when it came to body image and what not. My parents thought I was too skinny and prey to all kinds of flues and colds. I didn’t see myself as too skinny I was on the look for a man. Till so far I hadn’t been successful with the body image I had and with finding a stable relationship, so common sense for me in that moment was to change the outside.

After birthing my 2 children my body was dilapidated, a belly muscle torn and was irreparable. I didn’t like my body and I had hoped for more elastic skin. I compared myself with girlfriends who were like an elastic band, they gained back their old figure after a few weeks. It took me a few years and even then it wasn’t as before. I could have compared myself with girlfriends who never got into their normal figure again, but I choose not. It had to do with the perfect body image picture inside of my mind. If I had only known that I was chasing ghost, a never achievable picture inside my mind, and I was due to fail.

When I became a mom programs started to run which I allowed to led me make always the choice for healthy food. My environment was praising me for being a good mom while both my kids were very difficult eaters. This made me go further into this health construct, if the kids were eating almost nothing then it had to be healthy food. Years went by and I didn’t see that I was involved within a pattern and what I was heading for. The day arrived when I decided that my family was going almost raw. The missing piece of the puzzle. P. loved to eat salads and the kids liked their veggies only raw and also to me this “diet” appealed. Why did it appeal? Within the research I had done on going raw I had seen flashes of loosing weight as side effect. I saw that I was finally able to loose some weight, even the scale was my friend again. I felt healthy and I was happy with my body image.

At the time that I started participating on the Desteni open forum I realised that my mind had been tricking me into this health construct and that I had allowed and accepted it. Various emotions came along to be dealt with, regret, shame, anger etc. Also this was a side effect of what I was really dealing with. I bought the digital scale and almost never used it afterwards. It was me not trusting myself and hiding away from this fact. When looking at myself in the mirror I often saw a strange person that didn’t fit the picture in my mind of this slim perfect lady. I didn’t trust myself to ever become this picture and I didn’t trust myself with food. I never ate compulsive, but did ate too much or too little I hadn’t yet established self trust within my food intake. Now I occasionally muscle communicate to see if I’m on the right track and I am. I still eat too much now and then, but I know this already before I eat it and do it intentionally, which gives me the opportunity to investigate what’s going on.

The picture I see of myself in reality now is who I am in that moment. It changes along with the phase I’m in within my process. Shaving my head has assisted me immensely to be able to see myself without all kinds of decoration. Just a step in the right direction, it was fun to search through my memories after the flash back of the bathroom scale. I aslo see that I have still a lot of loose ends, but in time I will pick them up and adress them. Step by step.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust what I point out to myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face the actuality of the moment while being confronted with my weight

.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief my idea that a digital scale never lies and that I therefore need such a tool to give me trust that I can not find inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need a back door while dieting to prevent regret and failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that changing my body image would resolve all underlining issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that after birthing 2 kids I would be cool with a dilapidated body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be trapped within a health construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that going raw was good so I could loose weight and gain my perfect body weight.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and ever become the picture in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself with food.

 

Funny hat 16/12/2010

Since I shaved my head in March this year I was totally fine with it and I still am. This summer I’d made a hat/cap for the moments that I would be exposed too long to the sun. I was fine with that too. Now in winter when it became quite cold in our house (this morning it was 5 degrees Celsius in our bedroom ) due to not using the obsolete heating system, but instead using a stove in the living room. I started to wear a hat inside the house. Last winter I had knitted one for the size of my head including my hair, a bit loose but nice warm and that’s what matters.

Every time when we had people/visitors in our house I took off my “funny hat”, I felt ashamed. I saw myself as a dwarf of Snow White, the one named Dopey. He has big ears and a loose hat. I was aware of taking my hat off every time someone entered the house, but it was quite strong this feeling of shame about how I looked. Quite funny when I look back at it now, my shaved head never gave me this intense feeling of shame, but the “funny hat” did. So there are still some remains of ego/identity left, not that it surprises me it’s more that I had no idea to where these remains would come to confront me.

At a certain point my son J. started to make comments whenever I took off my hat. You did it again mom, he would say as if he was my conscience mind. Than he started to ask why I did it, because I kept doing it. I couldn’t really answer him, I hadn’t really looked into it and I was not really eager to investigate it. As if I was ashamed for my shame, can it get even more idiotic?

Yesterday I decided to make another hat for during the day and to use the old loose one in bed, with 5 degrees in your bedroom you simply need a hat. I did cut a long wisp out of fleece fabric and wrapped it around my head to sow it all together into a hat. I also wore this hat when making a video today to see if I had any reactions or feelings of shame, but nope non of it happend. So this hat doesn’t fit the term “funny hat”.

Maybe it has to do with not wanting to look silly, I prefer people to see me as a serious grown up. When I look like Dopey they can impossibly take me serious. Okay that was my mind talking. This mind statement says that when somebody talks common sense, but looks silly, the common sense is all of a sudden not valid anymore. That doesn’t make any sense, does it? When I’m stable and acting within equality and in the best interest of all, it doesn’t matter what kind of hat I wear in my house or wherever. This is all about how I want to present me to the outside world and it has nothing to do with simply being me no matter what. It’s the words that I live that count and not the picture presentation I like to give of.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed while wearing a “funny hat” inside my home.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when other people see me wear this “funny hat” inside my home.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to presentate myself as serious as in presenting a perfect picture presentation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that speaking common sense changes into non valid talk while wearing a “funny hat”.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to validate my degree of common sense according to my image/identity.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind and not acting from the point of best for all.

 

A bloody story 19/11/2010

Two monts ago I had horrible abdominal pains. So severe that I couldn’t walk or talk while I had such a shooting pain. Since it was a pain in the abdomen I checked my calender. And yes, my menstruation was about to start. I wanted to participate within daily life and not let this menstrual pain rule me. I did self forgiveness on the pain and self corrective statements to not participate within these pains.

 

When at the age of 14 my menstruation started I had horrible pains and heavy bleedings for at least 10 days in a row and a menstruation that was always late. Waiting and waiting on this inevitable nightmare to start. Me becoming the pain and not only experiencing it. Than all the embarrassment. It was begin nineties when I was 14 and my mom showed me what to wear when I was having my period. An elastic band on my waist with two elastic bands downwards with a button on both bands connected to a huge sanitary towel made out of terry. Fashion in those years was tight, so I knew for sure that everybody saw my huge diaper. Back home I had to put this sanitary towel in a bucket with a lid on it filled with water. I can still remember the smell of it, disgusting. Than the disposable sanitary towels were introduced and I talked my mom into buying these. Some time later also the tampons were introduced. I had such heavy bleedings and my undergarments were always full with blood stains, I couldn’t sleep through the night without changing my towel. Than my mom found special panties, just the thing for me. Plastic panties! After a few times of being washed in the washing machine they started to squeak when I moved. When I walked at school I was sure everybody could hear me squeaking and in my imagination I saw everybody finger pointing at me. After 7 years of menstruation hell I decided to try the birth control pil to calm down all these physical discomfort. That worked for most of the discomfort, my swelling breasts was something I had to live with. After I had my daughter A. and my son J. my menstruation was normal and punctual even without taking this pil. I was quite happy with this new situation. As it goes with many things, when things get better you tend to forget how bad it was before. Therefore I didn’t expected these pains two months ago, but it took me right back into my memory.

 

After I did my self forgiveness I felt some what better, nevertheless I was tired after quite some hours of pain. I decided to lay down for a while and do the four count breathing. After a few hours of laying down, I decided to get up and not let this pain influence me anymore. I was going to stand and not be the pain anymore, let alone participate within it. The pain faded away within a few hours and my menstruation broke through. The first three days I had more pain than usual and the bleeding was more severe, as well as the duration of my menstruation.

 

Last month around the time that I had to menstruate I feared the pain again. I couldn’t believe that I applied my self forgiveness effectively enough. I didn’t trust myself when it goes about fighting the battle with my worse nightmare. I nevertheless again applied self forgiveness on these points. My menstruation was normal as always.

 

Yesterday it was already a month later and I felt some pain in my upper legs and feared again these horrible pains. My mind stepped in and whispered something about my effectiveness within self forgiveness. How many times do I need to proof to myself that I can stand and apply self forgiveness in an effective way? I probably have to proof to myself that I’m able to not participate within these thoughts and therefore stop the mind.

 

So many times I wished for my menopause, I better do some self forgiveness on that. Having no menstruation ever again sounds tempting. Though these kind of so called choices do come always with down sides. No menstruation is menopause and that can be hell again. Still the best option in this all is stopping the mind and gaining self trust within applying my self forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to shame myself for having my menstruation while in schol.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that others could see  and hear that I was menstruating.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself through the eyes of others while having my menstruation as a teenager.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within my mind and believe that I’m enslaved through my mind within my menstruation.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop the mind till so far.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that stopping the mind is maybe not possible within this life time.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wish for my menopause, knowing that the menopause isn’t going to solve things. Stopping the mind is solving all.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I haven’t got the self trust to stop the mind and stop all pain within my menstruation.