Sylvia's writing to freedom

Russian scenes or simply taking an exam? 24/06/2011

I watched a video clip of Russia Today about Russia having the highest teen suicide rate in Europe. The video talked about increases of suicides around the late December and early June exams. Teens experience these periods as highly stressful and for some it is too much to take or to cope with on their own. Russian experts say that these emotional stress builds up over time and when parents are able to see what their kid is dealing with they rather be not confronted with it and want to continue life as normal. Russia is quite underdeveloped when it comes to psychological help and according to the video there is not much  to do about it in the current Russian society. Yearly 4000, mainly
girls, take their own life’s due to exam related emotional stress.

I myself have a teenage daughter that is going through her final Middle School exams, right now. I also, just as the Russian parents, saw that the stress was building up. Where my daughter A. had this attitude of “all is going to be fine”, during the school year, she now is aware that she can’t make a huge difference anymore. Just not fucking up the exams. She payed attention in the classroom during the years, wasn’t a big fan of doing homework. Therefore she reduced homework to a minimum. This year she had to choose her future school career, is it going to be High School or all the way up to University. A lot of stress when you’re just 14.

So 2 weeks ago I asked A. if she wanted to talk or blow off some steam. I couldn’t look the other way like the Russian parents in the video. I knew that with a little bit of common sense we could tackle A.’s problems. Not that I’m a magician, but simply because common sense takes things apart without emotions and feelings involved. And of course I did also, many years ago my exams, which was indeed a stressful and emotional period in my life. Though never to this point of wanting to end my life. Probably because kids nowadays are moving in such a fast interactive multi media world and they’re constantly impulsed by tv, social networks, mobile phones. Looking at it now I had quite a protected youth, simply because cell phones were not yet normal in the streets-cape, internet was not yet for the average people and still in its research phase, television had only 3 channels in Holland. We simply had to entertain ourselves, on which my generation did a better job than when I look at my own kids how they sometimes get bored due to overstimuli and an excess of virtual entertainment.

Anyway back to the exam stress, A. and I sat down and A. started to cry. It was indeed too much at this point, no suicidal too much, but emotions and feelings pulling and pushing her all over the place. While explaining after she calmed down what was kind of holding power over her, was this feeling of being tossed around by her own energetic charges. During the year she did her stuff, but as most teens nothing more then required. A. has been debunking a lot of her textbooks for what was written in it, but of course that was a no go area with her teachers. However when you see how you’re being fooled it’s even harder to try and learn the stuff. A. went into her exams with a 7 ( out of the 10) as her average mark. Not too bad for doing the minimum and being down graded as a foreigner. Nevertheless according to A. not high enough to not worry for her exams.

A. told me that for the last 6 months the teachers had been scaring the students for the exams and told that they didn’t work hard enough and that flanking was a real possibility. This fear management of the teachers was quite severe and in a way I do understand this kind of psychology to try and get these youngsters to work. But fear is not the tool to learn them self-responsibility and even enjoying to master information and see where to apply it. Of course being able to apply the learned information is an utopia in our current school system. So the teachers on one hand scared the shit out of A., it was feeding into her insecurity. Did she put enough effort in her school work or not, was a constant question on her mind, now she couldn’t change that anymore and only work with the consequences.

On the other hand a lot of the students who did their exams last year and the years before said that the exam was really easy and they didn’t have to study for it, everybody was passing anyway. This message was one that A. wanted to hear of course, but she didn’t trust it due to the information the teachers had been giving in a agressive way. It was simple A.was trapped in a polarity going from one side to the other, the exams are difficult versus the exams are easy. Further more this polarity was opening up all kind of teenage insecurities, till a point that the only future projection A. could do was fear. Not even anymore being able to name the fear game. No wonder she felt overwhelmed by her own accepted and allowed manifestation.

We dissected the polarity and all the turmoil that was attached to it and now she was able to see what it was that was holding her in place, within this fear. Really cool to do this with your child and to see that she was capable of opening up this point with a little bit of “objective” support from outside. If A. a 14 year old girl can do it, then all of us can do it and interpret our world according to what is really here and what needs our real attention to be an effective being and become of value for society in an equal way, where outcomes are best for all, because we understand life and know what we’re doing or dealing with.

A. did her 4 written exams, a national multiple choice exam and her oral exam is scheduled for the 28th of June. She said, till so far the teachers did lie to us about the exams and till so far everybody was allowed to attend the exams. All of a sudden all had an average mark of at least a 6, while their marks could impossible lead up to this average. Hhmmm, a nice introduction to society, showing the students what corruption in action is, because that’s the point they will remember.

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What retarded race are we? 17/11/2010

Today I wanted to make a video about EMO, it’s a type of lifestyle that I see quite often here in Italy. I’d never investigated what it was all about, so I started browsing the internet this afternoon. Collecting pictures and emo music and slowly but surely I understood why these kids are doing what they do and how they justify it all. As in all kinds of scenes or groups, when teenagers take the message the wrong way, being in such a group  can have catastrophic results. I read about a girl that had committed suicide, she had been listening to a lot of dark rock music and had been practising with auto mutilation. She had told her mom, who asked about it, that it was an initializing practice among emo’s.

The more extreme the lifestyles are the better the observer ( in this case me) can see how these teenagers create a whole fake world around them to manifest an identity. In essence it’s the point of acceptance, almost all of us want to belong to a group and feel accepted. One performs the rites of the group and is granted with an identity. No more searching, just keep it easy and simple. We have such a lack of self worth that the others within the group have to confirm that we are worthy and therefore a member of the group. Instead of being part of a group, participating within the group, because one sees that doing what’s best for all is also best for themselves. Without self interest and knowing that when one accepts oneself, one does not need validation from outside oneself. To practically apply and live this, most of us will not  experience this state of acceptance before we die.

I still see points of acceptance within me, but I’m able to see in those moments that I’m seeking outside of myself for validation. Therefore I can direct myself within that moment. When looking back on my life I can point out the moments in which I was seeking self validation outside myself, but also these moments  can be forgiven. That’s the great thing of process I’m always able to clean up the mess in the past and in the now what is an outflow of the past.

Back to my video again I had some problems with recording my voice. First of all my vocal cords are still covered with mucus and makes it hard to speak for a few minutes in a row. Than I  thought, after playing the recording back, that the sound was too soft. Later my partner P. found out, after recording it another time, that the volume of my computer was low. Frustration was building up. I had to ask my son J. to rip some music from a YT video to use in my video. I hated it,  to be depended on my son, who was still making his movie with his sister and the girl next door. Than I wasn’t able to do the Ken Burn effect on the pictures and P. wanted to experiment with the type of saving of the movie, before the uploading. I had to make dinner and I saw time passing by. Three times I had to redo the settings before YT accepted the amount of tags. They only said, too many tags. So how many am I allowed to add than? I went for 20 tags the last try and that worked. I was agitating myself and than P. got agitated about my agitation. He basically told me to take responsibility. Why was I so agitated? I made this commitment to myself to deliver one video a day for the coming period and I felt bad for maybe letting myself down. Two years ago I had probably felt bad about disappointing others within such a process, now the outside world wasn’t on my mind. Though the results/outflows were not different from how I was doing back than. I was agitated and was manifesting big time. Funny how I first created a situation and than began blaming my outside world for the situation I created in the first place. What retarded race are we?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let frustration/energy build up, instead of looking for the real point of frustration.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate being depended on my son J., because I don’t want to claim him.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to to claim J. his time while I could have installed real player myself and find out how to do it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be depended on J. instead of directing myself and take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get agitated over the computer who wasn’t doing what I wanted  it to do, instead of seeing that I was building up energy and synchronically manifesting.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about the possibility of me letting myself down. Instead of seeing that I was projecting into the future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my outside world for what I had created.