Sylvia's writing to freedom

My mind, an energy extractor? 16/04/2011

My kids like to play with “bartender” and “clever bot” on the internet. Both are softwares, “clever bot” is an artificial intelligence which you can ask questions on which the software respond with algorithms or with “bar tender” you can mix a drink and the bartender will show you his appreciation. On both softwares the responses are randomly, which gives hilarious situations. From time to time my kids are just rolling on the ground while having the giggles. It’s a game, it’s funny and we fully see through it, how the software is fooling us. We understand, even as kids, that there is no correlation between us as a beings who put input into the computer software and the output the computer software gives us. It’s simply funny and we laugh our pants off, nothing personal.

When I look at my own mind it does kind of work the same way as the “clever bot” and “bartender” only the amount of data in my software/mind is beyond that of these games. Due to more data that I already lived through, my mind game becomes suddenly more real, because it seems to have a relationship with me, the owner of the mind. Though when I watch my mind closely I see that I often get random data in my awareness, which I experience as odd, but nevertheless it gives me the ability to open up more mind drawers to excess more data and before I know it I’m stuck in a network of data that I’m familiar with. That’s why my mind game seems so real. All the other thoughts that are also randomly produced by my mind, those that in a way make sense to me, I label as meaningful and real. It’s quite funny to see how I react on data as thoughts and memories and experience them as personal and really of  me, while they are randomly fired at me like a tennis ball machine does with balls. So I do not fall for the computer games, but I do fall or buy into the same mechanism my mind uses. Up to the point of fears who can even hunt me as real entities.

When I speak about fears I get this image of the movie “Monsters and co”, what is also a nice representation of the mind. The power plant that works on collecting screams of frightened children. Extracting energy out of fear, doesn’t that ring a bell? When being introduced to the scream-extractor, I always thought it was so hilarious when watching the movie with my kids. Now when looking at it from the perspective of how the mind functions, the mind is some sort of a scream extractor. When I have thoughts/memories that put me into this state of fear, I’m generating energy for my mind conscious system that is feeding off me. So again I’m watching this surreal story while in fact in real life my own system is functioning the same way. Where does that leave my perspective on life, on issues such as real and unreal or true and false? The movie gets even better when at the end the main characters transform the negative energy resource, that’s extracted from fears, into energy from laughter and pleasure. So a happy ending, the bad turns into good. But really is it? To me it’s simply a polarity of good and bad that ‘s playing out throughout the whole movie. It’s still a power plant that’s extracting energy. That’s the same with our minds, no matter if it’s fear or so called happiness that’s generating the energy, it’s still energy. Energy that’s of the mind and the mind consciousness system and has nothing to do with our physical reality, yet we experience it as real.

Most of us like movies such as “the Matrix”, movies that represents reality in a great way. We look at those movies or computer games and are able to see where the main characters are tricked, but we are unable to transfer this information  onto our own existence. We simply cannot believe that this is more than conspiracy or nice science fiction,  I, for many years didn’t make these connections either. Though now when walking my Desteni “I” process I’m able to see beyond the veils that are placed there carefully with great dedication to allow me to deceive myself. Yes, it was placed there in order to enslave me, but I accepted and allowed it to stay there and let me feel powerless and inferior to all that exist. Quite a fuck up to say the least, but also a really good experience and awakening when I found out that it’s me who can actually change me by being my own directive principle. I who starts finally caring about me which enables me to care for all and act in the best interest of all. The Desteni “I”process is the best thing that ever happend to me. So if you have questions about this process, feel free and place them in the comment section. We’re here to suport and assist each other, that’s how we walk into real evolution.

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Am I crazy or communicating through objects with myself? 21/01/2011

Today I felt again anxiety and it was difficult to breathe, after half an hour I decided to investigate it briefly. I’m grateful for the support my body is giving me, but sometimes I long for ignorance and therefore no confrontation with myself. This state of mind doesn’t take long, considering the fact that hiding is a game where one eventually gets caught.

When I looked into this anxiety I found out that it had to do with me still seeking validation outside myself. Validation through what I do and not validating myself for who I am standing for life and as life. If I would validate myself standing as life I automatically would validate myself for what I do and therefore no need to seek it outside myself. Therefore what I would do wouldn’t be special, but simply an outflow. What has to be done has to be done. If what I do is in the best interest of all and that would make a difference in someone else’s life then I’m accumulating and adding something to this world. All again not special, simply honouring life for what it is. So I did self-forgiveness on all the points I could see in that moment. During today I had several moments in which I really had to say STOP, because this pattern had been accumulating over several weeks, months, I don’t know. It’s not something I can stop in a moment. The decision to stop it can be taken in a single moment the rest has to be walked in the physical.

Much later I had a confrontation with one fo my sewing machines, my serger. It’s not the first time and probably not the last. I in a way communicate with my serger, this sounds almost like saying: ” I’m hearing voices in my head and I see angels.” It’s not that I speak to my serger and he gives his perspective to me. It’s mostly me being preoccupied and in the mind, wanting to do my job quickly and taking all for granted. Then my serger refuses service and I have to troubleshoot and find out what’s wrong. This time, after quite some time searching for an answer, I found out that I had inserted one of the needles too low. The result was that all 4 tread’s were constantly tangled and I couldn’t see why. When I saw this point of the needle being too low I wondered why I hadn’t seen it before. Immediately I said to myself: “I’m tangled/confused and I have no idea what it’s all about, but the answer is obvious and in front of my nose.” My partner P. said that’s a nice title for a blog, but I dismissed the idea since I still didn’t know what I was talking about.

After I had spoken this sentence I looked at my computer and saw an e-mail from Esteni. She asked me to cross reference their information about my SRA payments with mine. In that moment I found out that I had been misunderstanding quite a lot about paying, payments, DIP and a message on my account. I was behind in my payments and I really dislike these kind of things. I normally make sure that these things don’t happen, so what happend here? I felt tangled and confused about all the information I had heard and read about it and I saw my lack of responsibility, the answer was right in front of my nose. I DIDN’T ASK ANY QUESTIONS, while I knew I was confused by the information given to me. My payment status said not to pay until a certain date, that didn’t make any sense at all. I didn’t ask any questions, it was a matter of wishful thinking and brought me in this survival mode of the more money I wasn’t spending the longer we could live from it. Any ways I had already saved the money up and had it in place last year and had been holding it aside for the moment the payments after the holiday started again.

It’s not alright to frustrate the whole ‘I’ process project financially by not paying out of ignorance. I started judging myself for the fact that I had allowed and accepted my behavior of not taking action and not moving money. P. said to me that it didn’t help the situation by judging myself, I better had to fix it and pay what I had to pay and get it over with. And yes that’s what it was, I felt guilty and all Desteni asked of me was if their figures matched mine and if not to make sure that they do match. Nothing personal, nothing emotional or feeling based.

So there I had it , my confrontation with my serger. It all played out just after I realised what it was that the serger was communicating. Fascinating when one doesn’t keep communication exclusive for humans. We are a whole as planet Earth and all counts and all is equal and capable of helping each other to bring forth equality and what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike paying too late to others and others to me, instead of seeing that this disliking is an indicator of what I do not accept within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tangled and confused after studying the financial DIP information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility when it came to informing myself about my financial status.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask any questions and think that I could figure it out all lone by not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think wishful and not dealing with my physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to frustrate the ‘I’process financially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for getting myself in this situation of having a arrears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about my behavior instead of being my directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this simple question of Esteni had anything to do with emotions and feelings or getting personal instead of seeing that this is how a business works.

 

Mourning 19/01/2011

Yesterday evening I had a slight feeling of oppression,  pain and energy movement in my chest. When I was ready to write my blog it was already late and I decided not to investigate this feeling due to lack of time. I see that this was an excuse and a justification for not wanting to go to bed really late. This afternoon when I was doing groceries these feelings of yesterday evening returned in quite a heavy form. Through breathing I had stopped it yesterday evening, since I didn’t deal with it the feelings came back and were more urgent. I had really trouble breathing and around my nose I felt this tingling, not dealing with it now could mean a hyperventilation attack. I didn’t fear the possibility of the attack, but I was driving the car and I didn’t want to let it escalate that far.

Yesterday I already connected the pain in my chest to the family construct. We just had this episode with my in-laws, maybe I was overlooking some energy thread’s  that still had to be adressed? Then I started looking into my own family construct. I had felt fear when my brother-in-law started contacting my parents, talking about our new faith and a €1200 course. My relationship with my parents is good and I feared him destroying this relationship. Which is kind of unrealistic since my parents know me already my whole life and have been loyal to me through al kinds of events. So I fear that this relationship will end?

Why do I fear this ending? I feel sad, till now I’ve been able to share anything with my parents and we’ve always been supportive to each other, but Desteni related issues I can’t share. When I shaved my head I did send them an e-mail in which I explained why I had done this. The points were more or less clear to them, but not really worth making a big fuss about. The only point that made their system go on tilt was my statement of how long I would be bold, I told them until it is done. They couldn’t connect a date or year to that so they figured may be forever. I felt as if I lost a part of myself. Last summer we did connect again when they were here and they made even pictures of me and my bold head, I didn’t see any form of shame. They were as unconditional and supportive as always. The only difference was that the reason for me being bold was never spoken of again. I tried but there was no immediate interest, so I stopped.

I felt separated from them and myself, I wasn’t whole anymore. I always shared myself, completely myself and now I only share a part of me. This means that I see them as more special, because when somebody doesn’t understand where I stand within my process, I stop pushing this person. That’s what I’ve been doing I haven’t been talking about process and politics anymore to my parents, if they have questions I will gladly answer them. Till then I can only be a living example to them and all the other beings within my reality. I had made peace with this, but underneath it all I kept hanging onto this feeling of longing. I still longed for this relationship in which we could talk about everything and therefore support each other with everything. Through the longing I kept myself in the past and started having feelings of mourning. Mourning for the part that I lost and still longed for. I have to cut myself loose from the past and start living in the present with my parents, no longer holding on to pictures and memories that once were. The sadness that I feel is the sadness for all those people who are resisting the message so much, the message of self-honesty and equality.

What has been bothering me yesterday and today are feelings, emotions, thoughts and fears. All products of the mind and not of our physical reality and therefore not real. When I strip this event from all that isn’t real, I’m left with 3 people who are at different stages in their process and therefore do not connect on this point. There is no reason for separation, we still live in the same physical reality and there are many points on which I can show them that a human being can improve herself in the best interest of all. Putting it this way without emotions and feelings it is just not that heavy as I felt it before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about the oppression and chest pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses and justifications for not wanting to work on the family construct point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my brother-in-law will destroy my relationship with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my relationship with my parents will end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad about not being able to completely share myself with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel losing a part of myself after shaving my head and my parents misunderstanding me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel whole again separated from my parents for not being able to share myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my parents as more special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for a relationship that isn’t there anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn for a relationship that isn’t there anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself in the past through the longing and memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for those that aren’t active in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view my world through emotions and feelings.