Sylvia's writing to freedom

I’m one vote for no sugar 11/09/2011

Since 6 days I’m on a sugar, wheat and yeast free diet. I always perceived myself as someone that was a low sugar user, since I almost banned refined sugars. Almost, because by replacing sugar with honey, I thought I did a great job. In a way I did a great job, but all the ready products I bought almost all contained refined sugars. Sometimes written on the label by the manufacturer and sometimes disguised under vague terms. The same goes for wheat and yeast, it’s simply  a challenging task to find and buy products that are sugar, wheat and yeast free. Maybe when one lives in a big city or outside Italy one is more accessible to a variety of these products, here I’m assigned to make my own food all from scratch. Lucky enough I like to cook and trying out new tastes, therefore the preparation time including eating of 2 to 3 hours for dinner isn’t  a real problem to me other than wanting to do more in a day than possible.

My partner P. and I went to the nearest organic shop to buy some new basics for our diet. The organic shop is here the only place to find diet products. So we started reading the labels to see what we could buy and what not. Things made of spelt, millet, kamut, barley or brown rice are okay, but we needed it to be yeast and sugar free too. It is a small shop and half of the shop contains food and the other half herbalists products for the outer body. Our choices were extensively narrowed down, but we kept up our courage. We left the shop with rice and kamut crackers, dry beans, brown rice, spelt pasta, multi vitamins and a probiotic cure. The prices in these shops are astronomical high as if one has to pay for the high quality this type of food supposedly has.

This whole turn around in our diet and even life style came about when I found out that I had a candida albican overgrowth infection. First I didn’t understand what was happening to me and I started investigating the symptoms at the internet. I still define myself as a hypochondriac so a lot of fears moved inside me. The moment I found out what it was that was happening to my body, I couldn’t understand why I had this condition. I started investigating on forums and found out that many with me suffer from this condition. I also found an old forum tread at Desteni.co.za which explained me a lot what the nature of this condition is and I could see how this for me is a form of self-sabotage and not speaking up,  immediately some points came up which recently had occurred. A chat with Sunette made it also clear that to master this condition the key is in the food.

I choose not to take the conventional medical road since all the comments I had read stated that with medication it went away for a small period of time to reoccur again. Ant-biotics was in most cases doing more harm than good and since I live in a country where doctors prescribe toddlers already anti-biotic cures as if it was lemonade, I feared going to my doctor and having to refuse his medical advise. This point is based in experience, since I had shingles 1,5 year ago, and got my first anti-biotic cure. This cure made me so sick, I had a constant diarrea and was nauseous the whole time and afterwards I took a probiotic cure from Bayer. I was still weak and this memory is still quite vivid in my mind. So yes I moved myself in the physical through memory/experience and knowledge and information. So I made an agreement with myself that when things wouldn’t clear up and improve I would still go and see my doctor.

The diet together with some other remedies as tea tree oil has reduced the symptoms already within a week. The diet however is going to take 2 to 3 months to kill the bacteria that turned into a harmful fungus, for ever. After reading what the outflows are of this condition, and wow, did I recognize some things that I perceived as normal or as of my body. An infection like this I’ve never experienced, this time all conditions were seemingly right to attack my body.

With this diet one starves the fungus by not giving it any form of sugar. It’s almost like a contest of who has the most patience. When this fungus is dying it excretes toxics that will be felt as dis-ease for the body. I experienced some headaches and overall misery. I do not miss the sugar in my diet, no cravings for sugar so to speak. While looking into this condition on the internet I found that our central nervous system when it receives these signals of toxics that are excreted into the body, is ignoring the fact that these toxics have to be cleaned up by the liver and instead sends signals to crave for sugar. So in a way the central nervous system is working against the well being of our body when the candida dies off. This sounds like self-sabotage, pre-programmed self-sabotage. Through taking the dis-eases as a failure in the system and not giving in to sweet cravings one can get pass this point of the central nervous system. Like tricking your own body for it’s own good, that’s quite a fuck up and life in reverse.

I’m going to work with the points that opened up through this condition and keep my diet for a while. I simply have to, self-abuse or sabotage is something that is unacceptable as any other abuse in this world. In order to dissolve the point I will use Self-Forgiveness to get things clearly into perspective to be able to apply Self-Correction.

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Shingles again? 01/12/2010

It looks like my shingles is back again, it feels the same as before. I will visit my doctor tomorrow to confirm if it’s shingles or not. I felt really pissed and a victim at the moment I found out that just underneath the spot of last time a new spot is developing. Last February/March of this year I had an attack of shingles for the first time in my life. Due to this I had to take my first anti-biotics cure ever in my life. This made me so sick and weak that I questioned in a big way the healing powers of this medicine. My doctor told me that without I would keep the nerve pains forever, so out of fear I succumbed for the cure. The side effects were far more extensive than the effects of the shingles at that point within my illness. Later on I developed nerve pains and I’m not looking forward to that again. My whole being is shouting NO, NO not again. I’m angry at myself, I wasn’t effective when I worked through this point of my shingles last time. So now I have to experience it all over again. I DON’T WANT THIS!!!! Nevertheless I can see that I made the shit so no escaping here and therefore I have to clean the shit till it’s done.

Last time I also had a cold and a cough like I have now. This time I worked through the point of coughing and found out that I had to stand up for myself, speak up, speak out and stand no matter what. So in a way my cough has been quite assisting. Bit by bit the coughing is going away and is only there when I have too much thoughts about not speaking up and taking responsibility. Also when I’m in communication with others and not standing up within myself.

Last week a client of mine came over with a vage request to make out of a little peace of Futon fabric 2 suitcase like handbags. I yet hadn’t really put my finger on what this lady is doing all the time while communicating with others. While she kept on nagging about these handbags I became aware of a horrible feeling that came over me. It felt as if I was wrapped up in plastic and incapable of acting, as if I was wearing a straitjacket. I didn’t hear her words anymore, I disappeared within my mind as if I wasn’t capable of coping with reality. Than my coughing fit started as if I was choking. I heard her asking if I had a cold. Than my partner P. stepped in, he was working in the same room and he had been overhearing the conversation. He cleared up some points about the bags and how realistic her ideas were. When my client left, P. and I talked about the event that just happened. Only than I understood what I had been feeling, this lady who turns out to be very manipulative and incentive, was manipulating me into a situation where I couldn’t stand up for myself nor speak out. She was asking the impossible while using all kind of difficult words and phrase constructions that she knows I do not understand. The coughing was me telling myself that I accepted and allowed manipulative/abusive behavior of someone else and I didn’t stand within it.

Back to my shingles. The last time in February/March I found out through muscle testing that it had to do with not having Self-Expression. Back than I hadn’t interpreted it in it’s full meaning. Later I understood that it was me not expressing myself, meaning not standing up for myself, not speaking out and not being my own directive principle. I saw Self-Expression as not being creative within art and poetry. Within a conversation with the resonances they said that I didn’t have to follow and do all kinds of projects to distract me from what is important, like painting and poetry. Now I fully understand what they meant, back than I was a bit confused. My shingles are giving the same message as the coughing fits are doing. I thought that I was doing so much better, but I know I’m still not at the point where I suppose to be. I also understand that all that I physically manifest isn’t manifested in a few weeks, it takes time. Therefore it takes time to diffuse this point.

I do not look forward having to go through this illness again, but the message from me to myself is totally clear this time and I will be working through it till it’s done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my shingles is back again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my immune system is weakened and attacked by what ever bad disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear illness and therefore fear death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pissed and angry at myself for not working through the point last time sufficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the victim in this situation of shingles, while I know that I’m the creator who manifested this physical condition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anti-biotics to kill all the bacteria within my body and therefore weaken my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the illness and therefore feeling less than the illness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the extensive nerve pains that come along with shingles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear suffering, while I made myself suffering first by not taking my responsibility and stand up and speak out for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being my directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disappear within my mind while I’m not coping with  a situation within reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go along with these feelings and emotions, while knowing they are from the mind. In common sense I could have seen that someone tried to manipulate/abuse me and I was letting this person getting away with it. Therefore as guilty as her for participating within abuse within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that points are resolved easy and quick so I can move on. I understand know that whenever I make progress there can also be a fall back within that same process of working through the point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for taking it too easy the last time when I had shingles. I thought I cleared it and when it was physically gone I forgot all about it, so I didn’t follow this point to its end and therefore have to re experience it all over again.