Sylvia's writing to freedom

Sugar, sugar 18/09/2011

It’s the second week of my sugar, wheat and yeast free diet and I haven’t been struggling much with it. A few times I had this unsettled feeling over me that I couldn’t indicate for what it was. I decided to go along with this feeling to investigate what I was dealing with. I came out into the kitchen and understood that I was searching for something to eat, so I took a kamut cracker. After the first bite I knew what I was longing/searching for, something sweet, the kamut that isn’t really a sweet taste gave me the impression of sweet and after eating it I felt satisfied. This showed me how deceptive the mind can be in finding that specific something that it wants. Of course it’s also the body craving for direct and indirect sugars within this diet, it’s simply a fine orchestrate play between all participants that I call me.

This diet was something that I had to do, it had to be done, so I accepted this change of diet seeing that I had allowed myself to eat food for too long that wasn’t sustaining my body. The reason for eating the wrong food was ignorance and lack of money and we’ve still lack of money, but we tried to do some money shifting, meaning buying less from the old food and a little bit from the new food. Which results in a slightly higher food bill, but still bearable.

The infection, that made me investigate and decide to do the diet in the first place, is declined and almost gone at the moment. That was a big relieve, because besides feeling horrible while my body tried to fight the fungus, the itching was not something that could be ignored. Then I discovered that it was also manifesting on my tongue and I got a bit scared. I saw within my mind my whole body full with this bacteria that changed over night in this evil fungus attacking me. Even things like “this is the end, you will probably die” were fabricated within my mind and I freely participated within it. I’m quite creative when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts and when it comes to diseases and dying. When I calmed down I saw that the point which was bothering me was disappointment in my own body, I was committing to this diet and look what my body was pulling on me. Sounds like ego and separation and that’s what it was. I was in separation of my physical body and saw it as an entity that could attack me. I blamed my body for being sick and not being cooperative while I conveniently forgot how I neglected my body through eating the wrong foods and had been alienated from my body already for so many years. I created and manifested this disease within my body and no one but me is to blame, that is if blame would bring me any further, which it obviously doesn’t.

So this condition has brought me a lot of support regarding getting into contact with my body again and a lot of points that are opening up. The itching made me 24/7 alert and I never felt so many glands in my body being painful. I’ve been able to slow myself down and really hear what my mind was babbling when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts, thoughts based in fear and I mean fear in the broadest spectrum possible. It is astonishing to experience how much we disgust ourselves for allowing and accepting all the bullshit in our life’s and in our world. This illness within all of us, this bullshit, is what makes the world sick. We, on a daily base, infect the world with our sick thoughts. It’s a one on one reflection, we all know that the horror we witness within society is the same horror and battle that goes on inside of each of us. We need to acknowledge this simple fact and not hypocritically saying: but I’m not like that. You see, there is a difference between wishing and desiring who we are and who we really are, the friction between those two is huge and that unleashes the battle within ourselves.

This whole journey of getting sick and fearing my own body within separation, has made me stronger in my attempt to dedicate myself to my process, Desteni tools and no longer taking any bullshit from myself. Myself as a whole, the body and the mind included, because without those two buddies, I’m dead meat and breath will be no more. Therefore I replaced fear for what was attacking me as diseases, with common sense and I simply investigated that what was here in the moment and dealt with it accordingly.

How come that I’m fearing exactly that, what isn’t yet here, I asked myself?  That’s the most secure methodology to get thoughts created and manifested. Looking at it that way I decided that it was time to stop this point of fearing the body and all diseases that comes with having a body.

Isn’t it fun to be a human? Especially when you know that humans can make a difference and really evolve in the best interest of all.


Owner of the ring of death 26/06/2011

The other day I was preparing dinner in the kitchen when I accidently was stuck with my ring into a plastic bag holder. When the ring got stuck I didn’t notice yet what was happening, only when I pulled my hand back I felt a pang through my ring finger. I had to literally move back towards the holder to release my finger and ring from the holder. Right away I cooled my finger with cold running water. It really did hurt and all I, at first, could remember as a physical experience, was being pulled back in a rough manner. Pulled back by myself, which is in itself a interesting metaphor to look into.

Last winter I took off my wedding ring, to break the spell of my marriage and the cycles of wanting and fearing within such a relationship. We had started to transcend our relationship into an agreement and to close the marriage I decided to no longer wear the ring as a symbol of my marriage with P. In this process I already mentioned in on of my vlogs that my silver ring would also be an interesting story to investigate. I never forgot this promise to investigate the purpose of wearing the silver ring, but couldn’t put myself in an active position to do so and instead I postponed the research indefinitely.

There was also sentiment attached to the silver ring. I bought this ring with my self made money, when I was 19. At first the big silver ring with a black hematite confirmed my identity of being different and having my own style. Later within this 24 years of wearing the ring I gave much value to the black stone, the hematite. I found out that this stone was avoiding high blood pressure. Since my blood pressure was always perfect I knew it was because of the stone. I had no cross reference of course to see if it really had an effect on my health, I simply believed it and wasn’t willing to risk my health. The last years it was sentiment that made me still wear this ring, it had become part of me, since it traveled 24 years with me.

While not really being sure about which of these points the ring was really representing to me, I did some muscle testing since a long time, to see where it would lead me. It immediately became clear that the ring, for me, stood for diseases and negative thoughts. It was holding all my fears for diseases and negative self-sabotaging thoughts related to disease in place. In other words the ring was the confirmation of the cycle I was trapped in for many years. Then I muscle tested a sentence from a book that said: “your always getting what you desire”, even if it’s a negative desire. So I was physically pulled back by my own body to say stop to these abusive thoughts and fear for disease I have had for so many years. A turning point.

Where I first was convinced that the ring stood for my relationship with money and a circle that had to be broken, I ended up with an unexpected twist. I really wasn’t aware of holding on to this belief, of seeing pain as a horrible lethal disease, and holding it in place by wearing this ring and not wanting to take it off. Not that this disease and negative thoughts point was a surprise or something new to me. I’ve worked already with this point and approached it from different angels. I knew that I was still holding on to this belief, but I had no idea where to look for the beginning of the circle that stands for the fear of death.

I have been having a lot of pains lately in my breasts, of which I at first was sure that it would be the end of me. For several months I had painful swollen lumpy breast according to my menstruation cycle. Normally I had this discomfort for about 2 weeks a month, lately it was 3 weeks in a month. Then when that went back to normal I developed pain in my arms and pain above my breats. Whenever I disappeared into my mind I knew for sure that I was going to die from it. When in the present and while investigating it, I saw that my 2 finger typing on a not so smooth keyboard during my mind constructs had caused me quite some muscle pains. Pains within muscles I didn’t know I had, but no reason to visit the first aid or a oncologist for breast cancer. So when looking in common sense at these pains they were all explainable within common sense.

I already worked with this point of belief, but this time it showed itself in a different way, a different layer to work with. The Self-Forgiveness is focussed on the new points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that undefined pain means death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to feel pain and being pulled into a cycle of fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death and losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself and not being in control over losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having thoughts about illnesses and physically manifesting them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my lack of responsibility in not facing my own creative powers when it comes to sisease thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear the illness thoughts who I already throughout my life have accumulated to become real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself and therefore believing that I need to be in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick of myself for hating myself so much that I deserve pain and disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick of myself for not taking fully responsibility and not fully facing myself and therefore wanting to punish myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with these thoughts and therefore abuse life, instead of embracing life and embracing myself.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of abusive thoughts towards myself. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as self-sabotage thoughts and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.


Fighting jealousy, before I become jealousy 16/04/2011

While exploring and getting to know the patterns of my back chat I looked closer into the point of jealousy. Since jealousy is what the back chat triggers. First I couldn’t see the correlation, looking through the eyes of my mind. Then when I self-honestly looked at my back chat, the more nasty one’s, I saw and understood that indeed all these thoughts that were generated by the back chat of my mind could be traced back to the point of jealousy. It’s the struggle within the polarity of more and less where I allow myself to be held prisoner and it always feels like shit after I expose myself.

I’m more and more able, while still going into the back chat, to slow down and at the same time even rewind the thoughts within the event  to spot this jealousy point. The back chat is not hidden within big nasty events, instead I find it in my day to day events, which in the end at the end of the day adds up.

While I was sitting behind my computer and looking out of the window, I saw my neighbor hanging her robe on the drying rack. I felt a nasty thought coming up which I didn’t allowed to come through, though I could sense that the thought was already made and traveling around in the depts of my mind. So I unraveled and searched for the thought I had more or less stopped. I found the thought that ridiculed my neighbor for hanging the robe on the rack. This sounds stupid in itself though attached to this thought are memories and opinions. Six years ago my neighbors applied for a building permission to replace an old iron shed  in their back yard with a bigger stone one. Last year they finally got permission to build, around that time my partner lost his job. The ideas my neighbors had about the shed six years ago totally changed and they decided to make a laundry area in the shed and put a shower in. Now when finally the shed is finished and winter is gone they take a shower in their shed every morning and walk in their robe from the main house into the end of the backyard. I on the other hand take a shower one’s every three days to save gas and water so we can do more with the little money we have.

It was obvious to me that I was trying to feel more by ridiculing them for having build an expensive shed and not being able to have a shower in their home. In their home they shower in the bath tub wich is less comfortable than taking a shower in a shower box. So hanging the robe on the rack triggered all of this and I felt more within using the back chat, but within reality I felt less for not having the financial means to build a luxurious shed in my garden. It’s not even the point of wanting a shed it is the point of being jealous on someone that has money while I have little.

Then the other day I was waiting in the car for my kids to come from school while a big new SUV pulled up the sidewalk. I recognized the man that came out of the car, it was the owner of the organic shop. He was going to pick up his kid from nursery school. Also here I felt a nasty thought coming up and when it came through it didn’t look like a nasty one. Within this thought I wondered if his kid is a boy or a girl, since I never had discovered that. The reply I gave myself on that question turned already into something nasty, within saying the kid has long hair, how can you tell if it’s a boy or a girl if you let your child look like that. I stopped and slowed down to see what was really going on underneath these thoughts. It was the car that was the trigger point, it made me feel less, why can they drive in a big expensive car. The thoughts went further into, probably because of their high prices in their organic shop. So again jealousy and not so much of the car, but more of the fact that they have money to spend on such things.

Today I cleaned at J.&A. their Country house and we enjoyed each others company and we had worked like a team to get the apartments clean before the guest starts coming in for their holidays. We were chatting a bit and while A. spoke I watched her mouth while she was speaking, A. is a really cute looking lady and she always smiles, I liked the way her mouth moved while speaking. At the same time I could sense nasty thoughts were going to be formed and I challenged my mind. I said: what are you doing? There is no need for nasty thoughts at all, I’m having a conversation and enjoying it and I will not allow and accept  nasty thoughts to come and spoil the moment. Within that moment the thoughts faded away. I was kind of proud that I had proven to myself that I can be my own directive principle. At the same time I realize the amount of back chat thoughts that I still have to tackle, but I’m grateful for the progress I have made. Being aware and recognizing the back chat is the first step, before the real hiking can start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous on the money others have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity in more and less in relation to money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cope with feeling less through nasty thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this pattern of jealousy.


The voice in my head 29/03/2011

The voice in my head is the one thing I lived with my whole live, we haven’t been separated for one day. I’m familiar with it, I trusted it for many, many years. It was the voice that made me chuckle and the voice that called me stupid or a coward. It didn’t shame itself to lash out on people, while I was holding my head still and rolling with my eyes to see if anybody heard the nasty, evil talk inside me. I identified with this voice like it was me, how could it be someone else, it was inside my head.

When looking back at all the years that I presumed this voice, my thoughts, were real. It’s peculiar to believe such a voice is real. I’ve had many occasions where my thoughts voiced by my voice in the head, were plain abusive. Self-destructive thoughts that were telling me what a low life I was, and I figured it was me talking to me. Why would I do that to myself and why would al humanity do that to themselves? Maybe the simple explanation is, that we’re all lunatics.

These thoughts in my head are made of energy generated by my own system called, mind consciousness. This is quite a subtle invention of my creator, the brown star in the sky. There are shows on television where people get an earplug in their ear to be connected with the show makers and they tell this candidate what to say. Just like the voice in our head, it’s also outside our true self,  yet part of our mind conscious system. So believing the voice as if it’s you is accepting and allowing this voice to verbally rape you while you’re not complaining since you agreed upon it’s existence and there were no witnesses to testify against it.

So I’m in a process now to no longer participate within these thoughts as energies, which is cool and doable one moment and almost impossible the next moment. You see this system knows my soft spots, since we grew up together. The system it’s goal is to accumulate more energy so it tries to trick me into all kind of thoughts that generates more emotions/feelings. By slowing myself down and reflecting upon myself within common sense I can trace back the thought and it’s origin. When I do not pay any attention and move on automated pilot, as in not being here in the physical but inside my mind, all goes fast and I’m likely to go along in this energy game of my mind.

Currently I’ve been quite satisfied with my progression and I’m having less thoughts inside my mind. These thoughts are also called the back chat, because it’s your system talking back at you. Or it’s talking evil stuff behind others their backs. Within observing this back chat closer I noticed that I didn’t have so much evil lashing out on others anymore. Then when looking even closer I noticed that my system was just tricking me into another energy game.

Yesterday I heard the screaming voice of a child on the street while hanging out of the window. It almost felt like there was coming in my mind a nasty comment about the kid, but I stopped it. Then my mind kicked in, my voice inside asked me if I could remember how I always reacted when I heard that child scream, if I remembered the comments I used to make. And then the voice comforted me and praised me for being such a good person who didn’t do this nasty back chat anymore. WTF I ended up at the same point as I started. Now I wasn’t having this back chat anymore, but instead the voice started reflecting upon my good deed and generated energy anyways. This is one fucking subtle system that shouldn’t be taken lightly. It always wants to have it his way, this voice is like a whining child in my head and I need to re-educate it.


There is no way back 23/02/2011

Today I realised that there is no way back, because I do not allow and accept myself to participate within a return to the old. The old that obviously didn’t work, otherwise I wouldn’t have been looking for a better or different approach to what I call life.

Since I started studying the Desteni materials and since I started my ‘I’process I have experienced that I can change me. That I as a human can be changed by my own self willed directive actions. Stopping the mind, stopping thoughts, stopping memories, all by just simply not participating within them.

Today in the car while looking at the scenery outside, I was observed the world outside and within that the first thought came up about what I saw. I realised how useless the thought was and I could already see that participating within it would lead me nowhere than only following my inner world’s highway and interconnect to all kinds of different locations which would lead me again to nowhere. So I stopped, I didn’t allow and accept myself to participate within this thought about the scenery. A few minutes later while still watching the scenery outside the car I noticed there was another thought coming up, but still unknown to me. The best way to describe this is waves, the thoughts come like high tide, one wave after the other and only at its highest point it reveals its nature. The thought wasn’t yet on his highest point and I stopped it and it washed away. With this one wave the whole tide washed away and it was so cool. After that thought others tried to pop up, but I didn’t allow them either. So I did it, I stopped the thought before it revealed itself to me in full awareness.

Imagine knowing that I’m capable of stopping myself from participating within the mind, how small this attempt might be, it is the reason to never look back again and follow the straight disciplined path that is before me. I simply have to participate within my process and within this reality. The world is going crazy and I’ve let it come this far, just as every other human on this planet. I do have a voice in sound and in written words so I will use that and take back my own responsibility. When the world gets crazy which in essence means, we get crazy, because we are the reflection that our world exists of. We are the problem and within that also the solution. The only question I need to ask myself is why not use the key while I’m holding it?

There are people out there who do not see the point of releasing oneself from one’s patterns, fears, emotions, feelings and thoughts. Neither do they see the point of releasing it through publicly writing and they can not imagine that, how they see this writing as sitting behind one’s computer, would bring any change in this world. This kind of thinking can only be backed up when one doesn’t see oneself as the problem, the starting point of the current state our world is in. These are the same people who go to church and pray and hope for change while watching reality on tv instead of being real and changing themselves for real.

Our world goes crazy and the riots that take place are getting grimmer every time a new one starts. People are so called fighting for freedom, but instead they are fighting their own fears and hating the very guts of man. They think they are fighting together against the evil and do not see that they are fighting separately within self interest. This very point of self interest will in all ways obstruct the best interest of all and therefore these riots will never lead us to new, stable and sustainable solutions. These riots are as our very own thoughts and will lead us nowhere, only if we stop them, we can see in common sense that we need real collaboration within reality. As long as we keep our thoughts alive, we are living within a delusional make believe world that entails us that freedom without consequences and without taking responsibility is a real solution.

I will keep using my voice and build my house on a rock. No violence is necessary as long as you are able to see that you are a part of the problem and therefore a part of the solution. There is no way back, it’s either going forward in no matter what speed or looping in the same circles over and over again. I won’t go there anymore, I will lift my head and chin up and walk, alone or together. Either you join me or stay trapped within your surreality.


Sweet memories 13/02/2011

This week I watched a You Tube video of a wedding that took place here in our village last June. An American couple decided to get married in Italy and it all took place at the county house of my American friends J.&A.. A. and the bride were old classmates and the fact that her husband to be will be a pilot instructor here in Italy made them choose for our village to get married. Since I work at this country house as a cleaning lady and waitress I was pretty much part of a full week of wedding matters.

I watched this video with the expectation of looking back on this week in June. I recognized the setting, the people and the events, but it didn’t look like what had actually taken place and what I had captured within my mind. The images I saw were almost like in a fantasy world. It was the perfect advertisement for more weddings at my friends place, which isn’t that bad at all, but it makes you wonder about one’s memories. When I had seen this video without having been there, it would have looked like the perfect wedding. To me, with all my knowledge, emotions and feelings about the situation, the video looked like an altered reality. Old furniture like chairs for instance on camera look romantic and nostalgic, in real life you’ll fear, due to Murphy’s law, ending up on the floor like a peanut butter sandwich.

When I started to investigate my memories at a certain point within my Structural Resonance Alignment Training, I started doubting them. In fact it made me nervous, all these precious memories I was holding onto already for so many years, these memories that made me who I thought I was. My foundation started shaking, by all these flashes of the past. The doubt kicked in at the point where I had to unravel and explore the feelings, emotions and thoughts of the secret mind within it. I really feared making things up or adding things to the “real” reality. I started separating myself from these memories, I was puzzled, was I the memory as in the images within my mind or was I the feelings, emotions and thoughts that made this all up?

Looking back at my own wedding and the pictures that were taken that day, the pictures did represent what actually happend that day. Due to the famous Dutch wind my hair was constantly blown in my face, a goat almost ate my bridal bouquet and a pigeon pooped on my wedding dress. Not excitingly romantic, but reality and my memories agreed. Whenever an outsider would watch these pictures and would see us in the church kneeling in front of the parson, this person could imagine us being deeply religious. In reality we were no longer involved within any church, but we found an old parson of my old church willing to perform the ceremony. I choose for a religious wedding mainly to please the family and have the picture of a perfect wedding within my head fulfilled. So what is reality here?

Back to my SRA training to the point where I kind of feared to loose myself within these memories and asking myself for answers about authenticity and truth. I realised myself that it is not at all the point to search for the extreme and utter truth and it is not about separating myself from the memories I doubted at this point. It is all about the emotions, feelings and thoughts that were linked on to it. When I see the picture in my mind of me with my hair all in front of my face, it doesn’t matter if it really took place in this exact way. It is about me feeling less beautiful than others who had perfect wedding pictures, feeling less for not having the money to pay for a photographer and a stylist who would have taken care of the hair in the face etc. etc. From this one point the emotions, feelings and thoughts were accumulating and interconnecting to other memories  and forming this immense web. The same with the goat, looking at goats does trigger something positive or negative within me. Also the poop on my wedding dress led back to a memory of my dad who was pooped on his bald head when I was a child, he felt humiliated and we kids had fun. So it’s not so much if things really took place exactly in that order or that way, it’s about what you created within that moment  within your mind that determine your future.

The moment you start realising this, you are not instantly capable to stop your creative powers. Becoming aware was my first step and seeing where memories were triggered and creating more of the same. Realising that memories were not adding anything and didn’t make me a better human. Memories took me mostly by surprise and dragged me back into old patterns that had already been proven ineffective, but due to not taking any responsibility from my part they still existed and the loop wasn’t broken. Now when a memory pops up I trace the origin as far back as possible within that moment and break the loop by doing self forgiveness. This self forgiveness makes you aware of your thoughts and actions and which enables you to apply corrections within your daily life. Only then we can make a solid change within this world.


Mourning 19/01/2011

Yesterday evening I had a slight feeling of oppression,  pain and energy movement in my chest. When I was ready to write my blog it was already late and I decided not to investigate this feeling due to lack of time. I see that this was an excuse and a justification for not wanting to go to bed really late. This afternoon when I was doing groceries these feelings of yesterday evening returned in quite a heavy form. Through breathing I had stopped it yesterday evening, since I didn’t deal with it the feelings came back and were more urgent. I had really trouble breathing and around my nose I felt this tingling, not dealing with it now could mean a hyperventilation attack. I didn’t fear the possibility of the attack, but I was driving the car and I didn’t want to let it escalate that far.

Yesterday I already connected the pain in my chest to the family construct. We just had this episode with my in-laws, maybe I was overlooking some energy thread’s  that still had to be adressed? Then I started looking into my own family construct. I had felt fear when my brother-in-law started contacting my parents, talking about our new faith and a €1200 course. My relationship with my parents is good and I feared him destroying this relationship. Which is kind of unrealistic since my parents know me already my whole life and have been loyal to me through al kinds of events. So I fear that this relationship will end?

Why do I fear this ending? I feel sad, till now I’ve been able to share anything with my parents and we’ve always been supportive to each other, but Desteni related issues I can’t share. When I shaved my head I did send them an e-mail in which I explained why I had done this. The points were more or less clear to them, but not really worth making a big fuss about. The only point that made their system go on tilt was my statement of how long I would be bold, I told them until it is done. They couldn’t connect a date or year to that so they figured may be forever. I felt as if I lost a part of myself. Last summer we did connect again when they were here and they made even pictures of me and my bold head, I didn’t see any form of shame. They were as unconditional and supportive as always. The only difference was that the reason for me being bold was never spoken of again. I tried but there was no immediate interest, so I stopped.

I felt separated from them and myself, I wasn’t whole anymore. I always shared myself, completely myself and now I only share a part of me. This means that I see them as more special, because when somebody doesn’t understand where I stand within my process, I stop pushing this person. That’s what I’ve been doing I haven’t been talking about process and politics anymore to my parents, if they have questions I will gladly answer them. Till then I can only be a living example to them and all the other beings within my reality. I had made peace with this, but underneath it all I kept hanging onto this feeling of longing. I still longed for this relationship in which we could talk about everything and therefore support each other with everything. Through the longing I kept myself in the past and started having feelings of mourning. Mourning for the part that I lost and still longed for. I have to cut myself loose from the past and start living in the present with my parents, no longer holding on to pictures and memories that once were. The sadness that I feel is the sadness for all those people who are resisting the message so much, the message of self-honesty and equality.

What has been bothering me yesterday and today are feelings, emotions, thoughts and fears. All products of the mind and not of our physical reality and therefore not real. When I strip this event from all that isn’t real, I’m left with 3 people who are at different stages in their process and therefore do not connect on this point. There is no reason for separation, we still live in the same physical reality and there are many points on which I can show them that a human being can improve herself in the best interest of all. Putting it this way without emotions and feelings it is just not that heavy as I felt it before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about the oppression and chest pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses and justifications for not wanting to work on the family construct point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my brother-in-law will destroy my relationship with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my relationship with my parents will end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad about not being able to completely share myself with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel losing a part of myself after shaving my head and my parents misunderstanding me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel whole again separated from my parents for not being able to share myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my parents as more special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for a relationship that isn’t there anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn for a relationship that isn’t there anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself in the past through the longing and memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for those that aren’t active in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view my world through emotions and feelings.