Overeating

I’m not constantly overeating, but when I do over the last few months, I’m fully aware of it. Though this awareness, I am not using it to indicate when to stop eating. When I look at it in common sense it’s strange, I have this indicator that says full, but I deliberately am not listening to it. This smells like sabotaging. What I do within this moment when my body indicates, this is enough, my mind starts arguing and saying things like: are you sure you have enough, It can’t hurt to eat a bit more, just finish your plate and don’t be ungrateful. I listen to this voice in my head and disregard my physical body when it communicates with me. Also tonight I ate too much and this results in feeling so full that I feel inflated, it’s not that I have eaten huge amounts of food, no only too much. It also results in burping and a lot of mucus that I have to cough away. On forehand I know these are the consequences physically, but I disregard those as if I’m not important. The only task to fulfill is the eating too much, what a fuck up. I need to direct and correct myself here. I have hardly enough money to buy food and even then I over eat???

This makes me wonder how I define food in general. I did a lot of testing lately (and I’m still not finished) on reaction that I have on specific foods, but at a certain point I started wondering what food really means to me. So I’ll do some testing. Wow! I really feel oppressed while deciding with what to test this out. This must be a big point, lets see. I first breathe and slow down and than I try again. The youngest of our cats wants to sit on my lap and hang over my muscle communication arm. Not really great timing I would say, he insists though. When he’s sitting on my lap I remember that stroking the cat does take me out of my mind. So what the hell, I’ll just stroke the cat. Indeed it calms me down or better said I allow myself to calm down while stroking the cat. Interesting, I tested what to use to clear up what food means to me and nothing I tested did test out. Than I asked if I need to search inside myself for the answers, instead of leaning/depending on words that indicate where to find answers. It tested out for yes.

It does make sense that I need to direct myself to find my own answers. So where to begin? Okay it’s an opinion that I have what’s based in greed. Fearing that I won’t have enough. Than a memorie pops up about the time I was an art student around 22 years ago. I lived together with J, she was a classmate and we decided to rent a house together. She ate so fast that every time when we ate pancakes, when there was a pile of pancakes in between us, she guzzled them away in a few minutes. I ate what I was able to take, but that wasn’t a real meal so I was left hungry. I was too ashamed for not having enough that I was too afraid to address this issue and stand up for myself. I disregarded the signs of my body of not having eaten enough, I wasn’t important enough to demand equality.

Than there is this memory of me being around 14 years old and loving to eat fresh white bread and not feeling any limitation to stop eating. My mom forbid me to eat more than 4 slices of bread at an certain point. My figure was normal, no fat at all and my mom wanted me to keep this body image and didn’t want me to get into problem eating at an older age. Also here I had this feeling of greed for the food without any common sense.

At the age of 21 when living on my own with my little brother in Amsterdam I started doing a strict diet, no diet from a magazine or some sort of a diet plan. I just ate 4 times less and no fat/grease at all. I refused to weigh myself I believed that I could see if I progressed with loosing weight. This was a battle of will power, my body against my mind. My parents when they saw me were worried about my weight loss, especially my dad. He was afraid that I would become ill easily without any fat on my body. I wasn’t an anorexia kind of mind set, when my mind said it was enough weight loss I started living more or less normally again. Still not eating a lot of fat, but not at all a skeleton. Except for my parents all other people liked my new body image. I made myself nice clothes even a bit sexy clothes. In this period men started whistling at me in the streets. I remember that this gave me self worth, I validated myself more as before.

I can see that I’ve been till now entangled within a polarity of eating too much or eating too little. In both cases I disregard my body, myself at all times. So self sabotage from the starting point of feeling worthless and not important enough to listen to. Is that why I “feel” quite often that people do not listen to me, because I do the same to myself? I tested for yes… This point of greed, is that compensating for that what I deny myself? Yes.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not listen to my body when it indicates that I ate enough food.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to argue with my mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have these physical outflows of dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel oppressed while entering the point of food.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend on testing for words/feelings/emotions and thinking that I’m not able to do search for it inside myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself and therefore not taking responsibility within researching the point of food.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe this opinion about me not having enough food.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not eating enough food.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of eating too much or too little.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of not having eaten enough.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself out of shame of not having eaten enough.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard my body when it told me I hadn’t eaten enough, I wasn’t important enough to stand up for equality and not settle for less.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel greedy about the white bread and being limited within eating.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compensate my feeling worthless with greed for food.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become mind possessed when it came to losing weight.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel self worth/validation when men whistled at me for the first time in my life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel self validation through an outside source.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard my body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself from the starting point of not feeling important enough.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I’m not important enough to listen too and therefore others will neither listen to me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that people do not listen to me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act within greed to compensate for not feeling good enough.