Sylvia's writing to freedom

The disciples of Jehovah gave me a headache 20/01/2011

This afternoon I had all of a sudden this severe headache coming up. It was a pain that was moving through the front of my head and face. I wanted to do my Italian homework, but I wasn’t capable of doing so. Reading aggravated my headache so I stopped and started baking cookies and little apple breads for the kids to take to school. The headache faded some what away, but kept coming back. I decided to investigate tonight while writing my blog what my body is communicating with me. This in itself is a point of progress, a few years ago I would have brushed it of with the simple fact that a lot of people have headaches over the last week.

 

My day started of as an ordinary day. I began cleaning my house as usual on Wednesday. Half way the morning 2 clients came over, who were supposed to come over last week. My 2 Jehovah Witness clients who do not visit as frequently at my house as before, when they found out that I was hard to convert into their belief. I had never intentions in that direction, but they had faith. They became more compelling every time we met, at a sudden point they bought me even a Dutch bible. I gave them 1 finger for the simple reason that also I had a message to share. At first I only said those things that were not too confronting and obvious common sense for most people. For me this communication was enough and satisfying, but they kept asking about my perspective on life and there my ego took the bate.

 

For quite some time they hadn’t been around and I saw that as a confirmation of my idea that I only was an object of interest when they felt I could be converted. Today they asked me to make a dress for one of them, I shall call her R. All went well and they didn’t speak about their faith. Then when I walked them to the front door R. asked me if I still was using the bible she “gave” me. I said no, please take it with you. This was a point of manipulation of her and I didn’t see that clear. This opened up an opportunity for them to speak about their faith.

 

The other lady F. reminded me of something I had said weeks ago to one of their colleague’s who came along with R. Jehovah’s are really good in taking things out of context and that’s what she did. She blamed me for telling this lady that she is an selfish person for loving her son. In reality I had said within a long conversation that giving love to her son which made her happy and giving her a reason to exist was an act of egoism, as an addiction to energy. At that point I let myself be sucked into their abusive behaviour by reacting on F. her accusation, I was frustrated by the fact that they weren’t able to see how they were abusing their selves and the people around them.

 

We ended up in a conversation in which F. showed her true face and did a lot of projecting. When she saw that I didn’t react with emotions and feelings to her she got really mad and evil. She tried intentionally to hurt me with her specific words. Accusing me of being cold for not being able to give love the way she did and trying to scare me with the fact that the village saw me as a lunatic. I turned her accusations into questions and asked those to her which made her loose herself completely. At that point I couldn’t care less, I was devastated about the demon face she showed me although it didn’t give me any feelings nor emotions at that time.

 

When they left I recorded myself and told the story of what just happend, I wanted to share this story before my mind was going to turn it over and over. Tomorrow I will make a video out of it.

 

So tonight I muscle communicated if the headache had something to do with this event and I tested for yes. The headache is showing me the frustrations I hold onto when I explain words like love to these ladies and they are simply not listening. All examples and questions which show them in common sense that their love is love in reverse its evil. I was already done with these ladies, but just a little bit of ego took me back to this point of frustration where I already had been. I was time looping and I need to stop it right here and right now.

 

I also tested out with muscle communication that I have this belief or idea that I see their life’s as boring for the limitations they keep themselves in and I’m really grateful for my own life as in being in process. Not out of the point of feeling more, but out of the point to see that one can do something about life, one can stand up and one can free oneself from all those limitations that cause a tremendous amount of fears. Life is here in the physical and waiting for some God to rescue you is pathetic and making your life useless. I still have a long way to go, but I’m already grateful for this part.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a headache and not understanding what my body was communicating to me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea that the Jehovah’s were not coming around when they couldn’t convert me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let another manipulate me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Jehova’s are really good in taking things out of context.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react onto F. her accusations.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be sucked into their abusive behaviour.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated about the fact that these Jehovah’s do not see that infact they are abusing instead of loving.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care if F. was completely loosing it, instead of searching for a way that’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel no emotions and feelings in that moment, but later while processing the event I did.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego lead me back into this point of frustration and made me time loop.

 

 

 

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Heaven on earth 18/01/2011

This morning when I opened my Facebook account and watched my wall, it was all love and light. The last couple of days I’ve friended a lot of light workers so I have no right to complain. It’s just that some days my stomach couldn’t stand the amount of love and light and I needed a bucket to empty my stomach contents. I know that I’m simply reacting within such a moment to a part of me that was once part of my personality. I friended them out of the simple fact that I was there where they are now and I am now where they can be, in process.

There is this Scandinavian woman who is posting almost the whole day long these pictures that evoke positive emotions and feelings. In her thank you comments she always includes the word love. Around Christmas it was only mood pictures that she posted at a rapid pace as if she was a  tennis ball machine. Sometimes when I saw her picture I experienced a hint of anger and my secret mind produced comments like: “Does she has nothing better to do all day?” Also here I’m reacting, when I look back at my day at night I often feel that I was inefficient during my day. I could have done so much more, but I didn’t. Also today I did what I had to do and even a little bit more, but the rest of the day I was hibernating in front of the stove. It was cold outside and therefore cold inside and on those days I’m rooted to my stove. Maybe even addicted to the heat.

When I started with Facebook within my I-process, I had already practised commenting on YouTube. So every time when a “friend” wrote something I felt the duty to show them also another way of approaching the topic they were posting. I really did this in self-honesty as it seemed in that moment, but my starting point was one of dishonesty. Again I was reacting and this time towards the topic they were posting. Reacting is working with energy and energy isn’t real, so what is the use of debating something that is originated in something that isn’t even real?

So I stopped and I breathed I can no longer only react to all that is coming by on Facebook. My effectiveness lies in being self-honest and doing what I have to do to get on with my own process. I can only show and share my process with others through blogging and vlogging, reactions on others are indicators to look inside myself and to see what it is within myself that I’m reacting to. Commenting I only do on topics from Desteni people and not because I react on the topic, but simply because I see that I can add something to the discussion. Only then we can do the equality equation and show others how to communicate without wanting something from the other or to boost our ego and personality. It’s really refreshing once we leave competition out of the equation and interact as humans with no hidden agenda in self trust and trust of the other. Heaven on Facebook to practise for heaven on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with emotions and feelings on love and light messages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on other people without seeing that it’s me I ‘m reacting on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and comment from a dishonest starting point.

 

What did I learn so far? 17/12/2010

I’m now living 42 years on this globe and what did I learn till so far?

I learned to be “good”, so that others reckon me as a “good person”. Being “good” may be at the expense of myself or others. I learned that it was okay to have the opposite thoughts within my secret mind in the same moment as being good. So for instance doing my homework, but at the same time to spite my teacher for the homework within my secret mind. Doing everything that people ask of me if this is going to portrait me as being “good” and at the same time hating this people for asking me to do things for them. I learned that this was the way to cope within society and family, but I always could feel the friction and the shame for what I did. I wasn’t able to understand this experience or to direct myself within and according to this information. Nobody ever learned me that being a “good” person attracted the opposite within my life. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned that I was less than others. My little brother liked to tell me how he saw me as less intelligent. My other family members didn’t say it, but acted like it. Within the school system where I was not more than average I was seen as less. All this enhanced my inherited feeling of worthlessness. So I learned to eliminate and suppress myself throughout life. I wasn’t worth anything so why bother to consider myself within the equation of life? The few people who learned me that I was worth something, learned me to stick up for myself no matter what. Through this I learned how to be egoistic and to put myself at the first place, because I was worth it and special. Nobody ever learned me that by perceiving myself as less or more, I learned to perceive myself as special and therefore unequal to the rest of this world. This way of living was meant to fail in one way or the other, because I didn’t consider all as equal as one. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned that the choices I made within my life had to be based on money. Money, they learned me, is the key to move yourself through life/society. So all choices had to be calculated and weighted, was the amount of money equal to the fortune and succes that came forth of it? When I decided to do Art school my dad said with a smile on his face: “I’m fine with your choice, but this means that you now have to find a rich man and marry him”. When I decided to never live my life on more money than my fair share my dad said with fear on his face: “I’m not sure anymore if I want you to inherit my money, because for what purpose are you going to donate/use it?” I learned about the limitations and advantages of money and had to conform myself to it in order to survive. By seeing money as the most important thing in life I changed my life into slavery. Nobody ever learned me that it is possible to change the system and to change the value of money into the value of life. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned to compare myself to others and played the game for being better than the rest. This stimulated a sense of distinguishing myself from the others and form an identity for myself around it. I specialised myself in being more special and original than everybody else. To always find the yet undiscovered solutions and feel as a failure when I didn’t meet up to my own expectations. Nobody ever taught me that instead of individualising myself and therefore separating myself from the rest would only bring more separation into the world. So that everybody would compare and compete with each other and not seeing the value of working together and functioning as a group. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned that friendship/relationships were the most important way of bounding with other humans if I didn’t want to end up all alone and miserable. When I was 3 years old I met my first girlfriend and this felt like heaven. After many many times of moving from one city to another she still was my  best friend till I was about 20 years old. All other people I met I compared to her and no one could measure up to her. In all other relations I felt like I was playing the second violin, I was never ever some one’s best friend again. So I gave up on friendships and relationships for a long time. No one ever learnt me that we are programmed to search for that same energetic feeling we had within our first friendship/relationship. Within giving up on friendships I was giving up on my self and separated myself from all the others. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned that love was the ultimate way to conquer all that seemed impossible and bad. Love would make the most difficult situations work, love from your family would made you feel appreciated and would give you self worth. Love is something you can give in great amounts and people who receive it will benefit from it. If we send love/money to the third world it will flourish again. Spreading love through the words of the gospel will heal the world. Giving love in the form of spiritual energy it will help people to heal themselves and a better world will occur. No one ever told me that giving love wasn’t possible, it’s merely an idea within our mind and not transmittable. Nobody ever learned me what it meant to love my neighbour as myself and therefore look every neighbor straight in the eyes, because I have no secret mind shit going on. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

All these points were accumulating and turning into rotting fish and I knew there was something off. So I started to search in various directions to see how I could answer the questions I had asked myself so many times. I deluded myself as many times as I asked the questions, but I was determined to find the answers. Accidentally I came across Desteni where all my answers about “being good”, “being less”, money, competition, friendship, love and many many more questions were answered. Not only were my questions answered I also learned how to deal with it and take responsibility for it in real life and how to better/perfect myself to become equal and one to all life. To do the equality equation and to fully understand the words common sense. The best part is that I learned how to better myself and within doing so to better the world I’m part of together with all the others who walk the same path as me. I”m still in my early period of my process and there is still so much to tackle, but simply knowing and experiencing that I wasn’t going crazy and what I went through probably everybody is going through. One person wants to act on finding these answers and start process and the other chooses to stay ignorant and reject process on earth.

This process we are in at Desteni will bring forth world equality and an Equal Money System in order to live a dignified live without the fear for survival and the need for competition. It might have started of as a “future projection”, but the stadium of “fantasy” as some would call it has gone. We are busy implementing the EMS through the Desteni Income Plan which is running at this very moment. So world equality here we come to say goodbye to life as we have known it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in order to be a good person.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful in order to be a good person.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate people in order to be a good person.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the secret mind in order to be a good person.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed for participating within the secret mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel less intelligent than others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe others who told me I was less intelligent than others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the feeling of better or less, at my own expense or the expenses of others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as more special and therefore being unequal to the rest of the world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make choices based on money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see money as the most important thing in life and therefore made myself a slave to money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in competition and constantly compare myself to others to see if I’m more special and unique than others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a failure when I didn’t meet up to my own expectations of finding an original solution.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all the others by individualising myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to stay happy and part of society I had to make friendships.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compare all my friendships/relationships to my first one and searching constantly for the same energetic charge.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up on friendships and therefore giving up on myself with the result of separating myself from society.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that love will give me self worth instead of directing myself and therefore being certain of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that love will solve and conquer all.

 

The upper arm cyste, self denial 14/12/2010

Today I investigated the cyste on my underside of my upper arm it’s there already for 7 years. What kind of system within my system is this cyste representing?

 

Through muscle communication I tested out of a book the word self-denial. Immediately I got oppressed, when my eye got a glimpse of this word I felt a shock through my body. A feeling of ooh noo. I breathe and slow down, this reaction I need to investigate.

 

The self denial is connected to the word anxiety as in desiring. What am I desiring for where is this anxiety about? I tested the word serpent in the dictionary. The serpent refers to the anxiety, but what is the serpent standing for? The serpent is standing for love, love as love is portrait in our current world. So I’m searching for fake love within anxiety knowing that the love isn’t real, but it must fill the gap that my self denial has caused. I am not willing to face that I’m denying myself. This is also connected to the word unworthy/worthless that I’ve been working with. It also connects to the search for self validation outside of me that some times can be quite compulsive, feeling down when I get no outside stimuli for validation. The thing is that I now can see myself do these things I see the pattern, but it’s like an octopus, it has so many tentacles and is interconnecting at so many areas.

 

But why am I denying  myself in the first place? I tested the feeling nobleness and game through the dictionary out at the following: I’m judging myself as the lowest rank, so back again at not being worth anything.

 

And this strong physical reaction I had when I saw the word self denial, had that to do with the feeling of being exposed? Yes, it was me exposing myself in full awareness. Okay, it’s all not extremely new to me since I dealt already over the past few weeks with this topic. I need to do more self forgiveness on other areas as which I already worked with. In a way it’s cool and assisting to find every time a part of the puzzle.

 

I’m calm again and I can see the self denial for what it is. It’s here now in full awareness so now I can deal with what is here. Am I participating within the polarity of indifference and being fully aware? Yes, I’m indifferent about the fact that I do deny myself out of no self validation or self worth. I had to test this question in a slightly different way than the question I presented here. I asked if I was indifferent about the fact that I denied myself. With the first question I knew I was dishonest, I felt like I didn’t want to go to that part of me, but there is no such thing as not feeling like it. I’m my own directive principle and I direct myself in honesty and expose where ever I’m dishonest, no matter what.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be shocked about the word self denial, knowing that it had to show up sometime somewhere.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel being exposed and ashamed for it at the same time.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself unconditionally and not being completely self honest with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand one and equal to all, therefore I need to stand one and equal with myself first.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to validate myself as less and unworthy and therefore not fully accept myself and not giving myself unconditional support within self forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to love as it exist in our current world to fill this gap I feel inside within denying myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can find self validation outside myself, instead of knowing that I need to fully accept myself in order to be equal to me and all and that’s what love is about.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest within a session that stood for being self honest.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not feel like facing myself, that’s pure dishonesty and I will not allow that from myself. I’m my directive principle and that’s the only certainty that I have.

 

 

 

The abuse of flowers 08/12/2010

I saw the video of Lindsay about the story of roses grown in Kenya, than I saw the spring/summer flower photographes of Sunette and heard Kelley speak in her video about what we experience as beautiful and she used flowers as an example. I allowed myself to go back into my memory to see what my perspective on flowers is according to my experiences through the years.

As a child I took flowers for what they were, just flowers, I enjoyed them when I played outside. I used them within my games, I picked them to make flower crowns or me and my friends played mothers who were washing and cooking the vegetables. I picked dandelions for my rabbit. My mom bought now and then flowers to put in a vase inside our home, but we had more green plants growing inside the house.

I Also, when I was living on my own, bought myself now and than some flowers. It wasn’t my passion or an urge to have fresh flowers in my house. At a certain point when I was quite deep involved within spiritualism I refused to buy flowers or to accept them from others. Whenever I looked at flowers in a vase I only saw death. Flowers who were decapitated for me to put in a vase on display, to see throughout the days how they lost their life essence to finally surrender to death. The water from the vase smelling like rotting death.

I spoke about my experience with flowers to a teacher of a Montessori School. She didn’t had any problems with putting flowers on a vase. She explained to me how she always asked the trees and plants if she could take/cut them. She pulled onto  the branch or the stem to ask permission. I really didn’t understand this story of communication she had with plans and trees. Even now I do not see the common sense of it. To me this was some sort of a mind game she participated within to feel reassured before damaging nature for idle reasons.

Than we wanted to sell our house in Holland to immigrate to Italy. I read about flowers in the house, that it would make people comfortable and relaxed. With the prospect of selling our house I yielded and bought flowers to decorate my house. Here I can see that I was easily able to give into money. The better we sold our house the more money we had, to buy a nicer new house in Italy. Bribing people with the smell of fresh baked bread and fresh flowers to buy our house at the best price possible. And yes the opposite was our reality…

Since than I never bought flowers again to put in my house into a vase. It’s really useless and unnecessary, we humans do damage already so much of nature that we have to stop this ignorance and believe that it’s okay. It’s okay because we see it on tv, publicity and flower shops look really attractive to catch our attention. When we visit people we bring flowers, when we visit the graves of our family we bring flowers, when men want to impress the other gender they bring flowers. Giving flowers is a sign of kindness and showing ones affection. In reality we have to ask ourselves if that’s really what’s going on. In my perspective the almost dead flowers function as a smoke curtain and are a sign of death and distraction of what’s really going on.

When we visit friends we want them to like us and to invite us again in the future. We eat and drink from their money, we’re like an invited parasite. They invited us for the same reasons we went over to them, to be liked and invited back so they know somebody likes them. Measuring our popularity/self worth according to the amount of friends we have.

When we visit the grave of lets say our dead parents, we still want their approval and be their good girl/boy. Just hiding from ourself, from the fact that we’re not able to trust ourself to value ourself. We still need that from an outside source, dead parents who do not see or experience us anymore and a grave a place where only death rules. Bodies who returned to soil again. Who are we fooling here?

When men give flowers to women they want sex, when they give flowers after a fight they obviously want sex. And we women when accepting the flowers do silently agree with the proposal of sex.

Giving flowers is a symbol of our kindness, a symbol of being so kind to not say what our hidden agenda contains. We’re programmed to always gain/want something when in communication with others solely out of self interest. Small things or big things it’s all the same, it’s being dis-honest to oneself and therefore to all.

I do not bring dead flowers when I visit people, I want them to take me as I am. If that means I will not be invited anymore than I do not feel unworthy. I do not visit graves, because I cannot see the purpose of it. I never had sex for flowers and I do not give flowers to show my kindness, everybody is equal so nobody is that special that I need to show them how kind I am. I do as everybody communicate to gain certain things from others, though I always apply the 1+1 equation. What benefits me, must benefit all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yield for money and not standing for what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let flowers perish in my own home to believe I was spreading pleasantness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that hoping for more money can be expressed by bribing people with flowers and fresh bread, without consequences.

 

A conversation between moms 30/10/2010

I was working on my computer as one of my clients came by. My Jehova Witness client who seldom comes alone. By now, I could feel myself like a rare specie, because every time she passes by she brings somebody new with her. A few weeks ago she finally did what she had been telling for quite a while, which I hadn’t been encouraging, she bought me a Jehova witness bible in Dutch. I took it, because I had not been standing within this and I didn’t know how to get out of the situation other than lying to her. And lying wasn’t my option, but taking the bible was a big no no. I justified it with: now I’m able to show her how ridiculous her bible is. Of course I knew how deep this woman is involved within her church. When she talks about Jehova her eyes start to twinkle.

 

So we already took 2 sessions to read in this bible where she gave her perspective on it and I gave mine. The more I spoke the more I encouraged her to save me, but that’s something I can see now while stepping back. Today she came by with another woman who I had met already. The hardest part is, they all want to be clients too. So there is a double agenda going on for me here. I had already decided not to read with her in the bible anymore, we’re wasting both our time. I told her, no reading today and she felt my resistance within the whole situation. Later my daughter A. said to me:”Mom she’s getting more persistent than before”. And I also saw it. She promised me a  sewing assignment, just as the other lady did, as if they were trying to keep me interested. It was not the same as before, more capricious then ever. We only talked a bit and I was bussy keeping her of her favorite subject, Jesus. In the end one doesn’t keep Jehova witnesses away from their favorite subject. And than I thought:”If you want it this way, you can have it all the way.” Looking back on it, this is a spiteful thing to think. I felt like I was pushed into a corner, but that’s only a illusion. Only I can put me there through my feelings.

 

They always give you the same examples and I started to get annoyed and bored with them. They told me how great the love of God is and blah blah blah. So I stated:”There is no love, there exist no love and I do not “believe” in love.” Of course I freaked them out and in a way I enjoyed it. They asked me if I didn’t love my husband and my children. I said:”how can you ask me this after I explained equality to you. I love my husband and children as much as I love you, but I’m not calling it love. I call it equality.” And than I stated:” And I neither believe in the purpose of family”. Wow, I was brave, or should I say stupid? Family here in Italy is seen as more holy than the pope himself. Their minds were doing overtime and I saw how determent they were to convince me of how wrong and evil my thoughts were. Again I enjoyed it. Than the other lady said:” I love my son so much that I will cook his favorite food every lunch or dinner, that’s mother love.” I said to her:”No that’s self interest. You are in need for this feeling/energy to confirm that you’re a good mom, a person that nobody wants to miss. So you’re forcing your son into loving you, only because you need this warm feeling?” She totally disagreed of course and than she said:” I even make him his favorite food when I don’t want to, and that’s what strong love is.” I literally jumped on top of her and said:”That’s even worse!!” She looked at me as if I came from another planet. I said:”don’t you see what you’re doing? This is even worse than the first example you gave me.” She had really no clue, but the word self interest had done something inside her. She was shaken and not sure anymore. I said:”see how addicted you are to this energy of wanting to be a good mom. You even push through emotional resistances, which by the way are an illusion, just to get your energy shot.”  Than she said after taking in the whole conversation of today:” How you put it, it sounds like I’m a robot. No no no I’m not a robot.” I reminded her of a previous conversation in which she had concluded the same. She couldn’t recall it, she said. She was puzzled and the other was holding firm on to her bible.They changed subject and said that it was already late and they had to go home. It was obvious that I stirred their emotions/feelings around and maybe I had been effective within this conversation, but my starting point was all wrong. I started the conversation because I was annoyed and bored with them and I felt guilt for not standing when she handed me the bible a few weeks ago. In a strange way I was getting even with them and even enjoyed it. So that’s not what equality is all about and this didn’t make the equality equation.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself for not standing as life and taking the bible from R. instead of telling her up front that I’m not interested in her bible or religion nor participating within any religion.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was no way out and therefore had to take the bible from R.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify the acceptance of this bible with a possible way to show R. how wrong she is.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to encourage R. to the point that she wants to save me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that R. and her friends can’t just be clients I have to listen to their religious propaganda.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not entirely stand therefore R. is feeling my resistance. The resistance of wanting to keep them as clients, but not wanting to talk religious stuff anymore, because we’re heading nowhere.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to confront R. with her dishonesty to keep her happy as my client. Instead of being equal to her and not accepting this bullshit from her I stood in inequality.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have spiteful thoughts towards R. And justified these thoughts with the idea that she had been asking for the treatment I gave her.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel pushed into a corner, knowing that these feelings are not real, although I acted on these feelings.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get annoyed and bored with R. and her friend instead of seeing that I was annoyed and bored with myself for not standing as life.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy freaking R. and her friend out, instead of being one and equal to them. Not willing to see that they are in a self delusional phase of process and therefore it’s impossible to communicate at the same level at this moment in the here. with them

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek this energetic charge out of this encounter.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about me not standing within conversations with R.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy getting even with R. and her friend, knowing that I was as responsable as them for the situation we created.

 

When and as I see myself participate in seeking energy from conversations with R. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that I’m directing me and not the energy such as annoyance or boredom. I stop, I breathe. I will no longer participate within this pattern of energy seeking.

 

When and as I see myself participate within the feeling of being the victim and not able to direct myself. I stop, I breath. Within this I realise that I can direct myself and do not have to participate within these religious conversations to keep R. and her friends as my clients. I stop, I breathe. I will no longer participate within the pattern of being the victim instead of being my own directive force. So I will no longer participate within their religion through talking to them and feeding their need to save me.