This afternoon I had all of a sudden this severe headache coming up. It was a pain that was moving through the front of my head and face. I wanted to do my Italian homework, but I wasn’t capable of doing so. Reading aggravated my headache so I stopped and started baking cookies and little apple breads for the kids to take to school. The headache faded some what away, but kept coming back. I decided to investigate tonight while writing my blog what my body is communicating with me. This in itself is a point of progress, a few years ago I would have brushed it of with the simple fact that a lot of people have headaches over the last week.
My day started of as an ordinary day. I began cleaning my house as usual on Wednesday. Half way the morning 2 clients came over, who were supposed to come over last week. My 2 Jehovah Witness clients who do not visit as frequently at my house as before, when they found out that I was hard to convert into their belief. I had never intentions in that direction, but they had faith. They became more compelling every time we met, at a sudden point they bought me even a Dutch bible. I gave them 1 finger for the simple reason that also I had a message to share. At first I only said those things that were not too confronting and obvious common sense for most people. For me this communication was enough and satisfying, but they kept asking about my perspective on life and there my ego took the bate.
For quite some time they hadn’t been around and I saw that as a confirmation of my idea that I only was an object of interest when they felt I could be converted. Today they asked me to make a dress for one of them, I shall call her R. All went well and they didn’t speak about their faith. Then when I walked them to the front door R. asked me if I still was using the bible she “gave” me. I said no, please take it with you. This was a point of manipulation of her and I didn’t see that clear. This opened up an opportunity for them to speak about their faith.
The other lady F. reminded me of something I had said weeks ago to one of their colleague’s who came along with R. Jehovah’s are really good in taking things out of context and that’s what she did. She blamed me for telling this lady that she is an selfish person for loving her son. In reality I had said within a long conversation that giving love to her son which made her happy and giving her a reason to exist was an act of egoism, as an addiction to energy. At that point I let myself be sucked into their abusive behaviour by reacting on F. her accusation, I was frustrated by the fact that they weren’t able to see how they were abusing their selves and the people around them.
We ended up in a conversation in which F. showed her true face and did a lot of projecting. When she saw that I didn’t react with emotions and feelings to her she got really mad and evil. She tried intentionally to hurt me with her specific words. Accusing me of being cold for not being able to give love the way she did and trying to scare me with the fact that the village saw me as a lunatic. I turned her accusations into questions and asked those to her which made her loose herself completely. At that point I couldn’t care less, I was devastated about the demon face she showed me although it didn’t give me any feelings nor emotions at that time.
When they left I recorded myself and told the story of what just happend, I wanted to share this story before my mind was going to turn it over and over. Tomorrow I will make a video out of it.
So tonight I muscle communicated if the headache had something to do with this event and I tested for yes. The headache is showing me the frustrations I hold onto when I explain words like love to these ladies and they are simply not listening. All examples and questions which show them in common sense that their love is love in reverse its evil. I was already done with these ladies, but just a little bit of ego took me back to this point of frustration where I already had been. I was time looping and I need to stop it right here and right now.
I also tested out with muscle communication that I have this belief or idea that I see their life’s as boring for the limitations they keep themselves in and I’m really grateful for my own life as in being in process. Not out of the point of feeling more, but out of the point to see that one can do something about life, one can stand up and one can free oneself from all those limitations that cause a tremendous amount of fears. Life is here in the physical and waiting for some God to rescue you is pathetic and making your life useless. I still have a long way to go, but I’m already grateful for this part.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a headache and not understanding what my body was communicating to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the idea that the Jehovah’s were not coming around when they couldn’t convert me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let another manipulate me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Jehova’s are really good in taking things out of context.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react onto F. her accusations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be sucked into their abusive behaviour.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated about the fact that these Jehovah’s do not see that infact they are abusing instead of loving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care if F. was completely loosing it, instead of searching for a way that’s best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel no emotions and feelings in that moment, but later while processing the event I did.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego lead me back into this point of frustration and made me time loop.