Sylvia's writing to freedom

Is my child having sex? 06/07/2011

This blog is removed due to the misuse of Desteni-haters, for the ones that would like to read this blog it’s available on the Desteni-site. On the Desteni forums haters are not allowed, we stand for what’s best for all and abusing personal information does not fit our principle.

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Reality check 27/01/2011

This morning I had an appointment scheduled with the Jehovah Witnesses. I had to do a paper model fitting for the dress of R. Wednesday is also the day that I clean my house, so while mopping the floor I was playing out all kinds of scenario’s in my mind. Last week I had quite a discussion with them and a reality check with myself. A reality check because even when someone is approaching me with abusive, possessive behaviour I’m still the one who decides to react on that person and I’m the one that needs to find out what this other being triggered inside of me, which constructs were ready to play along.

While cleaning the house further I noticed how useless my efforts were to keep already in advance control over the situation. I simply had to check my standing in reality. So I said STOP to myself for this fountain of pictures and words that were only future projections which can easily become present manifestations. The thing is, when I’m in my mind precooking the event, I’m on top of the conversation and I’ll always win so to speak. After saying STOP the pictures and words disappeared and I was cleaning again.

When they arrived they specifically asked if they were allowed to come in, they did the “I’m so humble act” and the moment they were in my house they acted as usual. I had made the statement, after our last encounter, to not discuss religious matters with them anymore. Also discussing issues where we have/use different definitions are a “no go area”. They started talking about the world of today and I saw their brainwashing. All Jehovah’s must have had a training in which they learn to bring every theme or issue back to Jehova. F. opened “the box of Jehova” and I panicked a little of what to do now and I choose to ignore it and to go on with the conversation. It worked! I was surprised, I was really surprised.

We discussed Tunisia and R. stated that it was the peoples right to rob the elite who had everything unlike the ordinary residents. It was all so unfair. So I asked R. how fair it is that she has a house with all necessary commodities, food and health care while people in third world countries do not have those basics at all. If it is okay for them to come and take R’s “stuff”, because it’s all so unfair. R. stated that it wasn’t unfair for her to have her basics covered, and then she didn’t make the connection to others who do not have their basics covered. It looked almost like a wiring problem. So when people see what happens in the world on their tv, it’s more or less the same as watching a movie. There isn’t a reality check what so ever. Their life’s are separate from the life’s of the rich and the poor elsewhere. The reason that we have more, because others have less doesn’t even occur within most of our imaginations. As a child we understand that when we share a bag of candies with our friend and he takes 2/3 than we get only 1/3. We feel shitty because we know he took more than his fair share and he feels shitty because he took more then his fair share and is afraid you’re going to get your part. Isn’t that the same as the looting in Tunisia, yet when we’re not physically being exposed to this equation ourselves it’s only SF to us?

In a way a nice discussion and again revealing the true nature of men, but I did it again! A big reality check, I went again in a discussion with them and we were not clear on the word “unfair”, so it was a “no go area”. For R. it’s normal that she lives comfortable and that the third world countries exist. To me it’s the candy equation and something I can not allow and accept. I reacted on the fact that she is not willing to see how she, and for that matter we, are the reason why unfairness exists in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself on words that the Jehovah’s and I have different definitions about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated that they are not willing to see that we are the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel panic instead of standing, which indicates that I’m not stable within this point yet.

 

Porca Madonna, this has to end now. 24/01/2011

I’m still struggling with the question why or how it is that I do not make any progress within learning Italian. Since my SRA-group is going to do a module of mins constructs I figured I could as well do a mind construct on this question. The word mind construct gives me a discomfortable feeling and a feeling of “am I capable of doing mind constructs?”. So I looked briefly into this and saw that when I did mind constructs within my SRA course I was at this breaking point of my course, which resulted in reticence and having to do a lot of material in less time than it was supposed to. In that period I doubted myself tremendous, so I can see now that this memory of discomfort has been attached by me onto the word mind constructs. I did a mind construct as I said and it took me 2 days in between all other to do jobs. I felt resistance, but I pushed through. In this blog I share the story that I found out after doing some ranting&raving, timeline/mind construct, self-forgiveness and self corrective statement.

Porca Madonna, which is written in the title is Italian for: Jesus, shit, fuck etc.

I always used my non existing motivation to learn the Italian language as a excuse. I was never been in Italy till I met my partner P. and we spend our first holiday together on the Italian island Sardinia. Since then and since I met P. who lived his entire youth in Italy I felt more special for having Italian DNA. To me this holiday and all the others that followed in Italy was an easy way to discover a country and it’s culture now I had my own interpreter with me. I was quite manipulative in getting what I wanted and always getting P. to be the interpreter so we had special treatments. I had no reason to learn the Italian language, my in-laws lived about 16 years in Italy but were Dutch and we communicated in Dutch. So I had no intend to put effort in learning Italian, learning a language just for the fun of it wasn’t my idea of having fun. It went even further I was convinced that I was genetically not capable of learning languages on a normal or high level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that having no internal motive to learn Italian would be a valid excuse to never investigate in learning the language. Instead of taking my responsibility and seeing that without the language I’m making life impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special due to my Italian DNA which doesn’t give me a special gift to speak Italian without learning the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my in-laws for speaking Dutch and therefore not giving me a purpose or motive to study the Italian language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for speaking Italian and therefore not being my own directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate P. into an interpreter role so I didn’t have to take responsibility for  learning/speaking the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that learning a language isn’t fun. Instead of seeing that it was the feeling of not wanting to put much effort into this learning out of the belief that without internal motive I didn’t had to go into great effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I’m genetically incapable of learning a language. I identify here with my mother who has never accomplished to learn another language effective and I do not identify with my father who learns other languages really easy.

For many years P. tried to evoke me to learn Italian, but I resisted it and never took the bait. I felt deep down the urge to show P. that I was intelligent enough to learn the language if I had to. In the summer of 2000 we went as a family with both kids again to Sardinia and P. was a bit fed up with being my interpreter and asked me when I ever would learn Italian myself. I said: “you’ll never know.” We made some sort of a bet out of it which let my ego take the bait so I could show of my intelligence and I no longer had to feel the opposite as in incapable of learning languages. When we came home from our holiday I started looking for an Italian course. A lot of institutes offered only private lessons an charged large amounts of money for it. Since I only was honouring the bet I made I saw no reason and value to put a lot of effort or money in it. Eventually I found a lady who taught groups and private Italian lessons at her house. Her prices were reasonable so I registered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself why I started learning Italian without any internal motivation and blaming already before starting that I would fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I didn’t take the bait after P. evoked me, while my ego wanted to proof itself and show of that I was intelligent enough to do such a language study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take any responsibility for the consequences once I would start learning the language., it didn’t only involve me alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within an ego polarity, wanting to show of and on the other hand feeling really insecure due to my beliefs about learning a language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify starting to learn a language out of a bet and blaming my ego of forcing me into learning the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel forced to search for a language institute and listening to my ego that told me I couldn’t back out of it anymore, too much shame to admit I didn’t wanted to learn the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not spend too much money on the lessons since I didn’t really saw the real value of learning Italian.

This lady was married to an Italian man and had lived for many years in Italy, she had already a little group of ladies who were about to start so I could start along with them. For 1.5 year I attended once a week these lessons and made my homework. I became good at written Italian, but my spoken Italian was still a disaster. This didn’t make me feel really thrilled about learning Italian. I felt shame while speaking the language and being afraid to make mistakes.  My first holiday in Italy, Napels, after a year of Italian lessons was a disaster. I couldn’t understand what the people were saying due to the dialect spoken in this region. It confirmed me in my believe that it was of no use that I took these lessons and that same winter I did quit my lessons. I stopped the lessons when my interior design business started blooming. I used it as an excuse to stop the lessons, in fact I was bored with it and I saw almost no progress within me and feared not being good enough to continue, I simply didn’t want to face the point behind this point. At that time it was only me and another lady who were still taking lessons, all the others had already stopped. I felt bad for the lady that was left alone, when I left the course thai meant to her that her lessons became private lessons and therefore more expensive then before. I felt guilty for the fact that I hadn’t been responsible enough when I started the course out of winning a bet and no real motivation and that another had to pay the consequences of my irresponsible behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into a situation in which I felt I couldn’t get out anymore since I had initiated it. I saw this as taking responsibility but in fact I was affecting other people with my behavior of not standing and being my own directing principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad. I was good in written Italian and bad at integrating this into spoken language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame while speaking Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking Italian out of shame and not being accepted within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes within the Italian language and feeling stupid for it and in the end not being accepted within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dialects and to not understand what they were saying, not understanding my world which I believed would ultimate led to isolation within society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that taking Italian lessons were of no use when i couldn’t understand Italians in conversations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify quitting my Italian lessons with too much work within my interior design business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not facing my core problem with being bored within the lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not making any progress with my Italian lessons through self sabotaging with the purpose of separating myself from the system/society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self through self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad by fearing not being good enough and manifesting being good enough in the fact that I was so good to take on these lessons without wanting it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my not taking any responsibility with feeling bad for the other student.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as more and seeing it as okay to start a course and then stop it without taking responsibility for the consequences of the whole. Me stopping with the lessons meant for the other student that she had no other choice then paying more or also quit.

After stopping this course I didn’t really look at the materials anymore. A few years later when we decided to immigrate to Italy I tried to pick up my lessons again and study my books which I still had. I still felt no motivation and felt dizzy and bored with the material, which was already a sign that I still wasn’t able to face myself within this point. I blamed the books for not being practical enough and only focussing on vocabulary for holidays. I decided that once I was in Italy and exposed to the language daily I would learn quickly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not benefit at all from my lessons even after I had stopped and again needed the materials/information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel not ready to face myself within learning languages even though I was immigrating and needing the Italian language more than ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dizzy and bored and not wanting to see that this was me saying to myself that it was a matter of facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the books for me not learning the language effectively instead of seeing that I was sabotaging myself and started manifesting that what I feared the most, being excluded out of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blief that once exposed to the language daily I would in a miraculously way learn Italian.

In Italy we first lived in a isolated zone, my neighbors lived at least 1 km away from us. I had contact with my neighbors and spoke to other moms in front of school, but that wasn’t enough to really learn the language. After a while I started to carpool with my neighbor to bring and pick up our kids at school. Every morning she had breakfast in the bar with her girlfriends and we drank coffee. These ladies spoke in dialect and my Italian basics weren’t in place yet to easily learn also the dialect of this region. The conversations were boring and continually the same. I started disgusting these ladies and seeing them as stupid and uneducated while in fact I was facing myself within it all. My course in Holland gave me a vocabulary of a tourist and these ladies gave me the vocabulary of a house wife. I felt myself more than that and stared studying Italian at home with the help of DVD’s. I became good in answering the questions, but couldn’t apply it in real life it simply didn’t sink in. I started to become a bit desperate and thinking that I would never learn the language at a normal level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the urge to live isolated and not seeing that I was slowly but surely isolating me from myself and no longer willing to take part of society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others who I talked with, that through conversation with them I didn’t learn the language as fast as I had imagined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disgust the ladies with whom I drank coffee every day in the bar. I saw them as stupid and uneducated, not seeing that I was projecting my disgust for myself on to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame learning the dialect of the region for not having my Italian basics into place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lessons for making a tourist out of me and blaming the ladies for making a house wife out of me due to the vocabulary they learned me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the vocabulary I learned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the dvd’s for not being effective while I only wanted to lern the language by my own without support or assistance of others and not seeing that my starting point was self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I couldn’t apply my learned information within real life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the information didn’t sink in and not seeing that this was due to me sabotaging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate in learning the language. I felt there was something off, but not yet willing to face it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I would never learn Italian at a normal level.

Then 1 of the elementary school teachers offered me private Italian lessons twice a week for a reasonable price. I went to her house for a year and then she didn’t have much time to continue. I loved working with her, we became friends. I was glad that I was able to get other friends then the ladies. I really learned more then before, but still wasn’t at a level where I could unconditionally express myself. During this time I started writing Italian poems which I really liked doing. It was a practical application of the language. Together with P. I perfected the poems into understandable Italian and I really learned a lot while bumping into problems with the language and seeing my gabs within the language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel special that a school teacher offered me to teach Italian lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy for being her friend. I didn’t feel good being the friend of the ladies I drank coffee with and by being her friend I participated within the polarity of good and bad. I wanted to feel more with the teacher friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my teacher friend for not having enough time anymore to teach me so I didn’t had to face that I wasn’t progressing anymore that much as I liked due to my self sabotaging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself while writing Italian poems. It pleased me when I found out that my teacher liked them and it gave me the security that she wanted me still as friend. With her as friend I would keep feeling good about myself, with the other friends I experienced the disgust I felt about myself for all that I’ve been accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I couldn’t work together with P. while he was teaching me.

I still lived quite isolated and had not much practise in talking the language. Then we moved to another village and I did my groceries daily and spoke with the lady of the grocery store to practise my language. She spoke in dialect and poor Italian, so I had again to adjust myself to learn another dialect before really knowing the language well. This lady told me about Italian lessons that were given at the town hall for free. So I did a year Italian lessons twice a week, the level of the lessons was extremely low, I blamed it on the teacher who didn’t use a book or gave any homework to work with at home. I came to learn a lot of other foreign people and the teacher used my knowledge of the English and Dutch language to communicate with her other students. I didn’t gain any new knowledge of the Italian language and labeled the course as useless and therefore didn’t attend the next year.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lady of the grocery store for talking dialect. Not seeing that my memories about dialect and the fear for exclusion where attached to this new experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the town hall lessons as a extremely low level for wanting to feel myself better within this experience of not feeling good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for not really being committed out of the fact that she didn’t use a book to work from or give any homework. I’m my own directive principle and it’s up to me if I do homework or expand on the information given by the teacher, blaming the teacher is not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher for using me as interpreter between the Dutch and English students and herself. I felt that I was giving but wasn’t receiving and not working within the equality equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I didn’t gain any new knowledge from the town hall lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teacher her lousiness for not attending the next year.

Last summer I came again to the conclusion that if I wanted to integrate and make my life work here I have to learn the language at a higher level. I always refused to study the language with P. as my teacher, but decided that this belief is bullshit. So I asked our American friends who also needed a boost in their Italian language to join me. It would give the three of us some more pressure to keep up with the lessons in the best interest of the group. I attended the lessons, but P. had a lot of attention for A&J and I sat there being present and answering some questions once in a while. Even my son J. picked up that the lessons were not for the tree of us, but more for our American friends. It started demotivating me and blamed the fact that it didn’t feel practical to me and I couldn’t really apply it in my daily life, on P.. It started to feel like a pattern because it felt the same as most of the other lessons I already had done and was only searching for a justification to stop with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not being able to work equally with me while teaching and therefore I didn’t use his support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify inviting my American friend to join the lessons due to needing outside stimuli to be motivated to study Italian. I wasn’t taking responsibility and searching already for something or someone to blame before it went wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the lessons already before they ever started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame A&J for getting more attention and not seeing that I in essence was jealous on them for getting attention for their real motivation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame A&J for feeling excluded while I was projecting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my demotivation for the lessons by stating that I had no motivation to start with, but that’s not taking responsibility and denying my starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the lessons of P. for not being practical and not applicable in reality, while that’s just justifying my behaviour for not wanting to learn Italian and not wanting to be faced with the real points why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this pattern of not taking responsibility and not wanting to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a justification to stop with the lessons.

Today while talking to P. the subject of the Italian lessons came up and I told him how I felt that it isn’t working for me. It need to be more practical for me, I said. P. was already thinking about making the lessons more practical, but for me I was already done with it. I felt emotions arising while speaking and I started crying. It was a really overwhelming feeling that came over me and in that moment I saw that I was denying life to myself. I was sabotaging my current life in Italy. By keeping myself at this low level within the language I was making it impossible for me to progress in whatever direction. Every time it had been me who was stopping a new attempt to learn the language. This fits also smoothly in with my attempt to escape the system/society by placing me financially outside the system and separating myself from it. I know that I’m capable of learning Italian, by just doing it and applying the language in things that I like doing. I already had experienced how fast that went. I’ve seen my progression within the English language too, just by doing it and facing it in reality. Why am I not doing this with the Italian language? I started to translate my articles on my WTF-blog in Italian, but that was still too difficult and P. didn’t have the time to sit next to me and help translating the articles. So he did it for me, I read them but didn’t learn much from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for the fact that his Italian lessons are not working for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not giving practical aplicable lessons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by taking on a too difficult translating job and then feeling worthless and incapable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for not having enough time to sit with me and help me translate my articles in Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my responsibility by letting P. translate my articles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame P. for translating my articles so I didn’t learn anything from it and wasn’t able to experience it for myself within reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the pattern of wanting to quit and not face myself which made me already quit before I even started.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself by crying instead of being a woman and to see what I had caused by not taking responsibility and separating myself from me and society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed when I saw what it was I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny life to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make sure I wasn’t going to make real progress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop every new attempt to learn Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to escape the system/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the system/me to in the end diminish myself.

I probably have to kick my ass and apply the language practically till I’m at a level that it is enough to express myself and speak to others without frustration. Frustration with myself within the language and being confronted with my self created limitations.

By separating myself from myself I was bussy diminishing myself and I felt even good about it. Porca Madonna this has to end this is too much abuse!

When an as I see myself participating within this pattern of separation. I stop, I breath. Within this I realise that this pattern is directing me

and I’m not my own directive force anymore. I will no longer participate within his pattern knowing where it is going to lead me and I don’t want to abuse myself through diminishing myself. I stop and I breathe.

 

Sinking ship 16/01/2011

Today, while making lunch, I got caught up in the mind. The mind was randomly searching through my vast amount of memories and started like a jukebox playing one of them. This one had really nothing to do with the moment I was physically in, there wasn’t even a smell, a thought or a sound that triggered it.

It was a memory from an event that happend approximately 10 months ago. It was in the first weeks after I had shaved my head walking in the main street of our village and bumping in one of my neighbours and her sister from across the street. The sister looked at me as if she saw an alien and my neighbor A. who isn’t easy to shock made a comment on my head. We started talking and I gave my flyer in which I explained my reasons for shaving my head, I do this so people will remember when they look at the flyer again. She read it and said that she totally agreed with my message, but wasn’t going to join me in shaving her head. Then she became gloomy and said: “What’s the use to do anything about this world, our world is as a sinking ship and is already half way under water, there is no way we can safe it.” At first I was surprised that she agreed with me and then when she got all gloomy I saw that her answer wasn’t any different from the answers the pre-programmed majority already had given: we can’t change the system. For a moment I saw her as special and on my side, till she became gloomy. At that point in my process I wasn’t capable to expand in the Italian language on the sinking ship part. Today through this memory I looked at it again.

I do see that we can compare our world system with a sinking ship and that’s what’s happening we are half way destroying  humanity, our flora and fauna. Maybe it’s a good idea to let it sink, we can always build a new ship. Once we know why it sunk in the first place we can improve the design and build a seaworthy ship. It is never too late when we start understanding why we fucked up our world, why we let the ship sink, why we watched it and didn’t do anything. We accepted and allowed a bad design to exist in the first place and then blamed it on the design and even on the designer, overlooking the fact that we kept using the ship.

We are programmed to believe that we can’t change this world, that we need a higher force to do that for us and that we have to live as a good person to please the higher force to help us out of the shit that nor we nor our higher force have anything to do with and neither are to blame for. What are we saying here exactly? We say that we humans can’t change our current situation which we have created through our past for which we will not take any responsibility. We need someone powerful to clean up the mess we left behind since we didn’t create it and we are absolutely not capable of doing so ourselves. It will be no surprise that this belief and behaviour results in millions of zombies covering our planet. Zombies who “think” that the cure for all of this, which is stopping the mind/ego, turns them into zombies. This makes me fucking wet my pants, because I can’t stop laughing. I mean where do we start when people fear being a zombie while they ARE the fucking zombies?

I’ll say let our capitalistic ship sink, it will do it all by itself, the cause is a matter of our compounded greed. Who ever is getting through the sinking part will find himself in the shoes of Job, robbed of all his material possessions. It seems that humans have to feel first what is happening to them in order to comprehend what is happening already for decades to others. The physical is our measurement for what is real, real is what is touchable. If you physically don’t own anything touchable you know for sure that you’ve been fucked, fucked by your own creation. Maybe in that moment self-forgiveness en self-honesty will appeal to you as the best solution. Will you make it when the ship has already sunk? We can build a new one, but we need lots of hands in order to do so. Hands that are not averse to working, hands that do not fear if they’re capable, but hands that want to create in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when people think we can’t change us nor the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good knowing that someone else is on my side.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel surprised that someone agrees with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated for not being able to express myself sufficient in Italian.

 

Jealousy 10/12/2010

I finally addressed a point today that had to be addressed. A point of which I was so ashamed that I just closed my eyes and started hoping in a almost possessed way that it miraculously would disappear. I did some superficial self forgiveness, but also that isn’t going to do the trick. I felt this  fear to write about it and publish it on my blog so it would be out there for the public. Around noon today when I was in my car to pick up my son from school I had 16 minutes to sort myself out and do self forgiveness. It was now or never so to speak, I gave myself an ultimatum to sort myself out. Also other points came up which made it a sort of spring cleaning.

The point I had to address was a point of jealousy of which I always thought I didn’t had any form of. One of the first assignments within the SRA course was giving examples about my jealousy. I almost felt like I had to invent my jealousy. When I look back and even looking back to yesterday I didn’t want to be a jealousy person. To me a  jealous person was an equivalent to a bad person. I don’t want to be a bad person, but I know that it’s not all sunshine inside of me. I deliberately looked away from my evil side all my life and that in itself is evil.

I started to recognize this point as a point of jealousy when I saw that it wasn’t all about being insecure or wanting to be original. Every time when I saw somebody write or make a video about a topic I had done I felt restless. I started to look at the amount of rates or views that this person got and started investigating what they had done different from what I had done. I called it common sense, but I was justifying my point of jealousy. This point was keeping me in its grip, possessed me. I forgave myself, as I said superficial and for a while it disappeared under the surface. The next moment an identical point arrived this possession came back in an even more heavy way. The moment I hardly could see the work of Desteni members I knew I had to act. I told myself that it was so stupid and destructive to feel sick about others who address the same points as I did. Together we stand and the more the same topic is discussed and shown on the internet the more impact it has, but I was already so much taken by this possession that I couldn’t live the common sensical words I was producing. It had to stop, this is how my world and due to that how the world is turning out the way it is. One big confusion in which nobody takes his/her responsibility. I can’t participate within jealousy and I won’t allow myself to do so. Therefore I did quite some self forgiveness out loud in my car, maybe I missed some points. That’s okay, I can deal with these when they appear.

Then I asked myself where this point of jealousy was based in? In the end I do want to feel special, but at the same time I’m disgusted by specialness. So that’s a polarity in which I participate. I grew up, as everybody in a world wherein it is important to be original, being original is just a coping mechanism to survive. Insecurity of my own ability which is a fuck up and a polarity. I feel less, but by participating within jealousy I feel more/special. So of course the point of jealousy is in no way valid and in the best interest of all, it doesn’t pass the equality equation so it must be amortized. No participation what so ever!

It wasn’t that difficult to write about it, the fear to be exposed as a good person isn’t valid either. We all have feelings of jealousy one way or the other. It makes me the same as everybody and by denying my feelings of jealousy I separate myself from everybody.

So only a few self forgivenesses which I hadn’t covered yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting and writing about this point of jealousy on others, who try to work together and do not try to boycot me or to promote separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of feeling special and not wanting to be seen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will not survive if I’m not original.

 

Shingles again? 01/12/2010

It looks like my shingles is back again, it feels the same as before. I will visit my doctor tomorrow to confirm if it’s shingles or not. I felt really pissed and a victim at the moment I found out that just underneath the spot of last time a new spot is developing. Last February/March of this year I had an attack of shingles for the first time in my life. Due to this I had to take my first anti-biotics cure ever in my life. This made me so sick and weak that I questioned in a big way the healing powers of this medicine. My doctor told me that without I would keep the nerve pains forever, so out of fear I succumbed for the cure. The side effects were far more extensive than the effects of the shingles at that point within my illness. Later on I developed nerve pains and I’m not looking forward to that again. My whole being is shouting NO, NO not again. I’m angry at myself, I wasn’t effective when I worked through this point of my shingles last time. So now I have to experience it all over again. I DON’T WANT THIS!!!! Nevertheless I can see that I made the shit so no escaping here and therefore I have to clean the shit till it’s done.

Last time I also had a cold and a cough like I have now. This time I worked through the point of coughing and found out that I had to stand up for myself, speak up, speak out and stand no matter what. So in a way my cough has been quite assisting. Bit by bit the coughing is going away and is only there when I have too much thoughts about not speaking up and taking responsibility. Also when I’m in communication with others and not standing up within myself.

Last week a client of mine came over with a vage request to make out of a little peace of Futon fabric 2 suitcase like handbags. I yet hadn’t really put my finger on what this lady is doing all the time while communicating with others. While she kept on nagging about these handbags I became aware of a horrible feeling that came over me. It felt as if I was wrapped up in plastic and incapable of acting, as if I was wearing a straitjacket. I didn’t hear her words anymore, I disappeared within my mind as if I wasn’t capable of coping with reality. Than my coughing fit started as if I was choking. I heard her asking if I had a cold. Than my partner P. stepped in, he was working in the same room and he had been overhearing the conversation. He cleared up some points about the bags and how realistic her ideas were. When my client left, P. and I talked about the event that just happened. Only than I understood what I had been feeling, this lady who turns out to be very manipulative and incentive, was manipulating me into a situation where I couldn’t stand up for myself nor speak out. She was asking the impossible while using all kind of difficult words and phrase constructions that she knows I do not understand. The coughing was me telling myself that I accepted and allowed manipulative/abusive behavior of someone else and I didn’t stand within it.

Back to my shingles. The last time in February/March I found out through muscle testing that it had to do with not having Self-Expression. Back than I hadn’t interpreted it in it’s full meaning. Later I understood that it was me not expressing myself, meaning not standing up for myself, not speaking out and not being my own directive principle. I saw Self-Expression as not being creative within art and poetry. Within a conversation with the resonances they said that I didn’t have to follow and do all kinds of projects to distract me from what is important, like painting and poetry. Now I fully understand what they meant, back than I was a bit confused. My shingles are giving the same message as the coughing fits are doing. I thought that I was doing so much better, but I know I’m still not at the point where I suppose to be. I also understand that all that I physically manifest isn’t manifested in a few weeks, it takes time. Therefore it takes time to diffuse this point.

I do not look forward having to go through this illness again, but the message from me to myself is totally clear this time and I will be working through it till it’s done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my shingles is back again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my immune system is weakened and attacked by what ever bad disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear illness and therefore fear death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pissed and angry at myself for not working through the point last time sufficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the victim in this situation of shingles, while I know that I’m the creator who manifested this physical condition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anti-biotics to kill all the bacteria within my body and therefore weaken my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the illness and therefore feeling less than the illness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the extensive nerve pains that come along with shingles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear suffering, while I made myself suffering first by not taking my responsibility and stand up and speak out for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being my directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disappear within my mind while I’m not coping with  a situation within reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go along with these feelings and emotions, while knowing they are from the mind. In common sense I could have seen that someone tried to manipulate/abuse me and I was letting this person getting away with it. Therefore as guilty as her for participating within abuse within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that points are resolved easy and quick so I can move on. I understand know that whenever I make progress there can also be a fall back within that same process of working through the point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for taking it too easy the last time when I had shingles. I thought I cleared it and when it was physically gone I forgot all about it, so I didn’t follow this point to its end and therefore have to re experience it all over again.

 

Choking in a peanut had nothing to do with it 10/11/2010

Since 2 or 3 weeks now I have this dry cough, that’s making my throat itchy and makes me cough even more. From all the coughing I start having a sensitive throat and at the same time my ears start to hurt or more the duct that connects my ears and throat. After so much coughing my stomach got really upset and my food comes up after a lot of coughing, this gives me gastric acid that burns in my gullet and again pain in the duct between my throat and ears. After a week or so my sinus produced lots of mucus which drips in my throat and is really sticky to swallow, so I have to cough more to get rid of it and than the whole cycle of symptoms start again. I never use medicines for these kind of disorders. Although yesterday I bought some tablets for my throat, when my son J. saw the package he was surprised. “I thought you didn’t use medicines?”: he said. I justified it with, these are just tablets no real medicines. Of course the tablets are not healing, I just wanted to do something about my condition. I should have bought a package with self responsibility, but I haven’t seen that at the pharmacy.

Today it was less intens, sometimes I wasn’t even able to speak with all the mucus on my vocal cords. Anyways I’m fed up with it. I do recall that since we live here in Italy I have this disorder every winter or at the end of autumn. I noticed that when it started I was almost at ease with it, because that’s how it has been the past few years. Illness isn’t something to be at ease with, it is telling me something. BUT WHAT?

When illness/a disorder occurs it says first of all that I’m not stable within.That’s not a big surprise, I ‘m in the middle of my process or rather at the beginning. Am I creating this disorder for some purpose? There must be some underlining point that wants to communicate with me through this disorder. For a moment I couldn’t come up with the last sentence, my mind completely blocked it, as I already knew within my mind what to  write. Interesting though. I also had moments when I come to think of it when the mucus was so sticky that I couldn’t swallow it. I couldn’t because I couldn’t make this reflex of swallowing, just stuck within the action. A bit freaky, because it feels like holding your breath too long. But breath takes me through these moments.There’s a memory that pops up in my mind.

I was about 8 years old and had been eaten peanuts. My mom always said:”You can eat peanuts, but you have to sit down otherwise you might choke in it”. I had been running around with my little brother and than I felt a peanut slipping into my air pipe. I had been coughing and I could act as normal afterwards except for this feeling that continued. I kept on feeling the peanut in my air pipe, I was too afraid to communicate this with my parents, because they had warned me before it happend. This feeling of the peanut being stuck in my air pipe didn’t go away for a few weeks. I had fear to sleep and thinking I would never wake up again. I couldn’t eat properly, because I thought this peanut was making my throat smaller. I sieved al my food through my teeth and it took ages to finish eating. One day this issue wasn’t there anymore and I continued my life as normal. I muscle tested if this story had anything to do with my current disorder and I tested out for no.

I tested for a word in the dictionary that could explain my underlining condition, I tested out for the word; extend. The fear for extending. To be or become extended; stretch out in various or all directions. So it’s the stretching out I’m doing by participating within Desteni and earlier on the immigration. I’m doing or are about to do things I had never considered before. It’s the fear for the unknown and the fear for losing control over the unknown. Which is absurd, to fear something I am not even aware of yet.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manifest this point into the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind to create this manifestation within the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear extending.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to keep myself limited by not daring to extend.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear stretching out in various or all directions.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to keep myself imprisoned within the believes and ideas I did have about myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things I never had considered to do.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear thinking out of the box and act accordingly to it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that all that is unknown is something to be afraid of.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose control over the unknown.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that losing control over the unknown will make me disappear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear something that isn’t yet in the here and now.

I realise that I’ve been participating within a pattern of fear, the fear for the unknown. I stop, I breathe. Whenever I feel overwhelmed with future projections based on no experienced information, I will slow down and breathe. I will take life step by step in every moment and breath so I will be capable of directing myself here in the physical. To avoid any physical outflows of not taking self responsibility.