It’s happening to me, but it can’t be me causing it 23/04/2011

Yesterday I spoke with my mom on Skype and within the conversation she said:” and guess what happend to us?” I had no clue of what she was talking about. She said: “your dad and I were already saying that you would have said, it’s them again.” I got really curious and when she started talking about the chairs finally arrived, I kind of freaked out within my back chat. Not like nasty comments about her, but more doubting myself. My mind was speeding up and I had no clue what so ever about chairs. Did I miss out on something? How could I miss out on something? Had she told me about chairs? It’s not fair when I’m only interested in myself and forget about her chairs. What is so fucking important about chairs? I calmed down and decided to listen and found out about the chairs.

My parents bought 2 new chairs, the type that can be navigated with a device. A lazy chair where elderly people can take their nap or simply relax. She probably has told me about ordering these chairs and I probably have stored it as not important information and I probably thought I’ll hear about it whenever she gets back on it. So in a way no interest and for sure jealousy on a point I didn’t expected it from myself. They have been buying all kind of expensive stuff for their house lately, almost like a last big spending that must last till their death. With the current quality of goods it might not be the last spending. In the background I noticed that I was asking myself why they could spend like crazy and why I have to double check if I really need to buy specific food or just be happy with less. Of course I know why I fucked up financially and of course I know why my parents, while living in these surreal “good times of the seventies, eighties and nineties”, made it in life without having to put much effort in it. So why blaming others for making it financially in life and not willing to see that I’m blaming myself for my “failure”. That was obviously why my back chat started off initially as a self sabotaging chat and then revealed it self within jealousy.

The point about, why my parents were thinking about me, when the new chairs arrived is a point with a long history. Whenever they buy something, the product is broken or damaged or not what they expected it to be on a level of quality. I already for many many years tell them, it’s you guys who are causing this within your own life, and then they laugh. They think it’s funny when I say these things or that I’m being funny. Hell I’m not, I’m just ineffective in bringing across this message of “look what you created yourself”. While I was still in school and studying psychology I approached it from the angle of self-fullfilling prophesy, while being caught up in spirituality I approached it from a point of look what you are attracting and now while practising practivism I’ve asked them why they fear this point so much and why they are not able to see that they are creating this point from a never ending pattern.  This point and pattern has originated somewhere, but why should one even even bother to look into it if you can easily blame others for it and be in the comfortable position of a victim. I just do not get it.

I asked my mom if she never had noticed that when we both bought, lets say fabric, she always ended up buying inferior and bad quality and my purchase was fine. Her response to that was, that she always feared not buying good enough stuff. She always checked and double checked stuff she bought before paying for it. She taught me even what exactly to check and double check when I bought my own clothing, which I at a certain point perceived as really hilarious and coming from a point of fear I didn’t feel. Therefore I wasn’t willing to act on the fear of my mom. About 90% of the stuff I bought turned out as a good buy, so statistically seen not something to worry about. Interesting though is the fact that my mom admits that she fears this point and when I said that within fearing this point she manifested this point of a bad purchase. Well I don’t know she said. It’s you who is doing this to you, I said. I really don’t know she said, started giggling and blamed the owner of the chair shop some more.

If we’re not able to take responsibility for our own actions and creations, how can we expect others to do so and how can we expect the world to be less rough and aggressive if we’re not even able to stop our own back chats and creations. When it comes to my mom I’m done with it, I’d better focus on my own shit. She’s obviously deliberately not willing to face this point or all the other points, I cannot change that. Only planting little seeds now and then for her to reap. People who do not want to harvest will end up with nothing by their own “free choice” and nothing means really nothing. Where one manifest oneself into nothing, nothingness. I do feel the family strings towards my mom and dad and I do not wish them into nothingness, but in fact I do not wish anybody to end up in nothingness. And to be clear I’m not speaking about paradise or heaven here, I’m talking about manifesting yourself from the physical into nothingness that when you die you are no more. Being no more isn’t in the best interest of all, that’s egocentrically removing yourself from the equation by not taking responsibility. My God we can’t be that stupid as humanity, or are we?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous on my parents when they are spending their money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself within my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my financial failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I forgot information my mom shared and therefore not being a good girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-sabotaging back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within jealousy based back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ineffective when bringing across the message of not taking ones responsibility to my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not taking their responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents will end up in nothingness when they keep following the track they always followed.

We’re all perfect parents 21/04/2011

Being a parent is like flying an plane without a license. We as parents, once had this irrepressible pre-programmed desire to have kids. We of course had no idea that our kids are the consequential outflow of all the shit within us and our entire family. See that’s where family is binding it’s members, within the accumulation of shit. The first years as parents we think it’s heavy to be a parent and as soon as the child is able to communicate with us it will all be much more doable and practical to deal with, we think.

I myself practised my parental skills first on my cat, like a guinea pig or lab rabbit. My cat wasn’t giving me a hard time so I was convinced that I could handle the task as a parent. When my first child was born I was amazed how little, real and practical information was given to me. I raised my child in a rich country with health and care facilities in abundance, yet nobody was really able to assist and support newbie parents. The support given was not more then beliefs and ideas that every 4 to 5 years changed. What my mom had learned while raising me, was now outdated, dangerous and totally wrong.

So we as parents had to find out how to direct our children all by ourselves, when my baby cries like this she needs that etcetera. In a way it’s so stupid, I sat there with this living being in my arms and I had no clue what so ever how to satisfy this little creature. The obvious things like feeding, changing diapers and putting her to sleep was not the real task as long as it was a movement initiated by me. When she cried for “no reason” the stress levels went up. After a year I began to get the hang of it and when my daughter went visiting and sleeping over at her grandparents house I gave them the written manual of my child. I had this paper with all the gathered information and possible solutions on events that might happen. Quite funny when I come to think of it now.

By the time, I as a parent, thought that I’d come to this point of fully understanding my child, my child had already developed such an extensive inner life that again I had no idea what really went on inside my child. What’s of the most importance, is being capable of interacting and co-existing with her in the moment. Finding solutions together to our mutual problems and irritations. So we can eliminate as much back chat as possible. I do not perceive myself as the perfect parent, I obviously can see that I’m more successful with my children within issue X and other parents are more successful within issue Y. Yet we still are all pilots without a license.

When we as parents and non-parents see children that are not being held under control by their parents or the system, we snobbish lift up our head and let our back chat run wild. We always know better! We do not like to investigate our real parental skills ourselves and don’t apply a bit of introspective. No, it always feels better to criticize others and lift our own ability up in order to maintain this polarity of good and bad. Therefore our neighbors or friends have always uneducated wild beasts as children.

As a matter a fact I felt this way about my Albanese neighbor kids who live behind me. Always screaming, yelling and molesting each other at an age of approximately 3 and 4 years old. I was clearly irritated by these kids, who I really didn’t know. Their mother who is always calm when I met her in the street and at the same time is a stranger to me. Within 2 years we spoke with each other maybe 3 or 4 times. So my image of the mom was one of a calm and nice person and that of her kids was an image of horrible wild beasts. Then her or his parents came from Albania to live with them and for a while the kids became more decent.

Now after more then a year I saw my neighbor change into a lady with little patience who gets all of a sudden mad about nothing. She becomes outraged and if it wasn’t for the language barrier I would certainly say she’s possessed. Angry outburst have gone from once a week to daily and more times at a day. We live on a hill and they live above me so I can only see a little, but hear all, in a foreign language. The possessiveness of her outbursts lately are creeping me out, I’m wandering at which point she will snap. Sometimes her children cry when she has an outburst and sometimes it’s totally silence. I can clearly see now that her children are the consequential outflow of the shit that’s clearly inside her, neatly tucked away behind a facade of fake gentleness. It’s a familiar image, we all hide behind our fake nice appearances. The question is when are we a lousy parent, a bad parent and when do we cross the line and become real abusers?

I do not really have a plan of how to act within my suspicion of child abuse with my neighbor. Do I go over and ask all of a sudden if she is coping with life and being a parent? Do I wait till I’m sure she’s abusing mentally or physically her children and report this to the social worker of the village? Not always easy to stand and say no to abuse, if you’re not sure about the severeness of existence of it. I do not want to support abuse and I do not want to finger point and therefore support abuse. I need to be clear within this maybe horrible event that’s playing out just under my nose. I can always talk to the social worker here in the village, I’m a social worker myself, but not practising. I can point out my suspicion and she can take it from there, since she has the means and the town hall to back her up. I simply have to work with what is here and here is the system where I’m part of just as my neighbor. If I can flag abuse on YouTube and Facebook I must also be able to do so in real life.

Running back chat and inner conflict about pills and alcohol 18/04/2011

My friends G. & I. were visiting us. They are a Dutch couple that owns a second home here in the village. We take care of the house when it comes to official phone calls for gas, electricity and water. In summer we welcome their guests who stay in their house and afterwards I clean and wash the bedding and towels. They once said after taking us out for dinner that they wanted to strengthen the relationship by having also a social relationship with us. I wasn’t really searching for such a thing, but merely following the money. Not so much greed just pleasing my bosses so to speak. It’s a tiny bit of money we make on it and every summer the amount of guests differs.

Right away I had, while being in conversation and speaking to G., the lady of the couple, a vivid back chat going on. In a way I felt compromised by the money I decided to follow. So I didn’t really speak up and when I did I could clearly see that we were living in separate worlds. Every time we saw each other I felt quite shitty afterwards, did my self-forgiveness, but didn’t see how to combine the role as “friend” and “worker”. Both roles I had forced myself into through the need of money.

Within the last few conversations we had I saw their opinions change and also their view on the world, but still from a luxurious position. They started to see the fucked-upness around them. He’s out of work and probably already too old to get on the working force again, but still enjoying an unemployment benefit. The reaction of I. on his new situation and new view of the world is that of wanting to separate himself from the rest of the world. Only wanting to look at their own little world and living situation is what the new input does with them.

I started to be more in control while being with them, meaning not the few euros being my motivation to stand or not stand within conversation. Our last encounter was really challenging me. At a certain point G. told me that she had stopped drinking alcohol due to medication and according to her it hadn’t been a big deal. Which surprised me since they found always an occasion to drink a few glasses of wine. So my back chat didn’t believe her while my poker face was straight. Then she told me that she stopped her anti-depressants to get rid of the medication. As a teacher in a girls prison her students had asked her what was wrong. Even one had said: G. you can get medication for your condition you know. That was it, for her. When she came home she took a pill and decided not to stop with the anti-depressants when considering it again. The same day she started drinking alcohol again, because according to her, alcohol and pills would not harm her.

This triggered a whole shit load of back chat within me. Like opening the box of Pandora. How can she think that pills and alcohol will not harm her. Look how dishonest she is, I’ve seen her like this before. She thinks that she’s fucking on top of her life, but look what a fuck up. She lost a breast due to breast cancer, had plastic surgery to recreate a new breast. How can she not respect her own body. And then my inner struggle started. I wanted to speak to her about the risks of what she was doing and had been doing, yet I saw no possibility to talk about this to someone who thinks she’s God herself. Sacred. I wanted to speak yet I felt physically incapable to speak. In the end I didn’t say anything and left myself with a horrible feeling of having failed. She seemed doing more than okay and on top of the world and in a way I was blaming her for my shitty feelings.

So what is it that I want to save such a person that obvious is not seeing the need for being saved. I feel like shit, because I clearly know more about alcohol, or probably we both know the same only she doesn’t take it as a warning and doesn’t take her responsibility. Her breast cancer says already enough about how less she cares about herself. Can one save such a being? Is it worth to allow myself for having these kind of nasty back chat and reep the fruits from it? I should simply stick to common sense without feelings/emotions/fears when I speak to her and reflect back to her what she is saying or simply stop these kind of conversations. Nothing can justify back chat and nothing is worth it. When I compromise myself I’m doing the same as her, the same thing I want to save her from. Maybe it’s time to focus on me, instead of deluding myself within savior perils.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify a fake relationship with money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel compromised by the money, while it was me who decided to step into this relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shitty about forcing myself into the role of friend and worker at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let money make my decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous at their financial status while I. was unemployed just like my partner P. while I. was receiving welfare and we none.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge I. for wanting to separate himself from the world, instead of seeing that we are in this situation due to separating ourselves from society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge G. for disregarding her body and compromising herself, while I see that also within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous in a way at them for being quite ignorant and enjoying life while having a second home, just traveled to Hong Kong, visiting Italy every month etcetera, while I do not accept ignorance anymore and see the fucked-upness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more than G. due to understanding what pills and alcohol do to one’s body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having failed in saving her from disinformation or believes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame G. for the shitty feelings I had cerated and accepted myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to save someone else while I’ll have to focus first on  myself and save myself first in order to reach out to others who want to be assisted and supported.

My mind, an energy extractor? 16/04/2011

My kids like to play with “bartender” and “clever bot” on the internet. Both are softwares, “clever bot” is an artificial intelligence which you can ask questions on which the software respond with algorithms or with “bar tender” you can mix a drink and the bartender will show you his appreciation. On both softwares the responses are randomly, which gives hilarious situations. From time to time my kids are just rolling on the ground while having the giggles. It’s a game, it’s funny and we fully see through it, how the software is fooling us. We understand, even as kids, that there is no correlation between us as a beings who put input into the computer software and the output the computer software gives us. It’s simply funny and we laugh our pants off, nothing personal.

When I look at my own mind it does kind of work the same way as the “clever bot” and “bartender” only the amount of data in my software/mind is beyond that of these games. Due to more data that I already lived through, my mind game becomes suddenly more real, because it seems to have a relationship with me, the owner of the mind. Though when I watch my mind closely I see that I often get random data in my awareness, which I experience as odd, but nevertheless it gives me the ability to open up more mind drawers to excess more data and before I know it I’m stuck in a network of data that I’m familiar with. That’s why my mind game seems so real. All the other thoughts that are also randomly produced by my mind, those that in a way make sense to me, I label as meaningful and real. It’s quite funny to see how I react on data as thoughts and memories and experience them as personal and really of  me, while they are randomly fired at me like a tennis ball machine does with balls. So I do not fall for the computer games, but I do fall or buy into the same mechanism my mind uses. Up to the point of fears who can even hunt me as real entities.

When I speak about fears I get this image of the movie “Monsters and co”, what is also a nice representation of the mind. The power plant that works on collecting screams of frightened children. Extracting energy out of fear, doesn’t that ring a bell? When being introduced to the scream-extractor, I always thought it was so hilarious when watching the movie with my kids. Now when looking at it from the perspective of how the mind functions, the mind is some sort of a scream extractor. When I have thoughts/memories that put me into this state of fear, I’m generating energy for my mind conscious system that is feeding off me. So again I’m watching this surreal story while in fact in real life my own system is functioning the same way. Where does that leave my perspective on life, on issues such as real and unreal or true and false? The movie gets even better when at the end the main characters transform the negative energy resource, that’s extracted from fears, into energy from laughter and pleasure. So a happy ending, the bad turns into good. But really is it? To me it’s simply a polarity of good and bad that ‘s playing out throughout the whole movie. It’s still a power plant that’s extracting energy. That’s the same with our minds, no matter if it’s fear or so called happiness that’s generating the energy, it’s still energy. Energy that’s of the mind and the mind consciousness system and has nothing to do with our physical reality, yet we experience it as real.

Most of us like movies such as “the Matrix”, movies that represents reality in a great way. We look at those movies or computer games and are able to see where the main characters are tricked, but we are unable to transfer this information  onto our own existence. We simply cannot believe that this is more than conspiracy or nice science fiction,  I, for many years didn’t make these connections either. Though now when walking my Desteni “I” process I’m able to see beyond the veils that are placed there carefully with great dedication to allow me to deceive myself. Yes, it was placed there in order to enslave me, but I accepted and allowed it to stay there and let me feel powerless and inferior to all that exist. Quite a fuck up to say the least, but also a really good experience and awakening when I found out that it’s me who can actually change me by being my own directive principle. I who starts finally caring about me which enables me to care for all and act in the best interest of all. The Desteni “I”process is the best thing that ever happend to me. So if you have questions about this process, feel free and place them in the comment section. We’re here to suport and assist each other, that’s how we walk into real evolution.

Fighting jealousy, before I become jealousy

While exploring and getting to know the patterns of my back chat I looked closer into the point of jealousy. Since jealousy is what the back chat triggers. First I couldn’t see the correlation, looking through the eyes of my mind. Then when I self-honestly looked at my back chat, the more nasty one’s, I saw and understood that indeed all these thoughts that were generated by the back chat of my mind could be traced back to the point of jealousy. It’s the struggle within the polarity of more and less where I allow myself to be held prisoner and it always feels like shit after I expose myself.

I’m more and more able, while still going into the back chat, to slow down and at the same time even rewind the thoughts within the event  to spot this jealousy point. The back chat is not hidden within big nasty events, instead I find it in my day to day events, which in the end at the end of the day adds up.

While I was sitting behind my computer and looking out of the window, I saw my neighbor hanging her robe on the drying rack. I felt a nasty thought coming up which I didn’t allowed to come through, though I could sense that the thought was already made and traveling around in the depts of my mind. So I unraveled and searched for the thought I had more or less stopped. I found the thought that ridiculed my neighbor for hanging the robe on the rack. This sounds stupid in itself though attached to this thought are memories and opinions. Six years ago my neighbors applied for a building permission to replace an old iron shed  in their back yard with a bigger stone one. Last year they finally got permission to build, around that time my partner lost his job. The ideas my neighbors had about the shed six years ago totally changed and they decided to make a laundry area in the shed and put a shower in. Now when finally the shed is finished and winter is gone they take a shower in their shed every morning and walk in their robe from the main house into the end of the backyard. I on the other hand take a shower one’s every three days to save gas and water so we can do more with the little money we have.

It was obvious to me that I was trying to feel more by ridiculing them for having build an expensive shed and not being able to have a shower in their home. In their home they shower in the bath tub wich is less comfortable than taking a shower in a shower box. So hanging the robe on the rack triggered all of this and I felt more within using the back chat, but within reality I felt less for not having the financial means to build a luxurious shed in my garden. It’s not even the point of wanting a shed it is the point of being jealous on someone that has money while I have little.

Then the other day I was waiting in the car for my kids to come from school while a big new SUV pulled up the sidewalk. I recognized the man that came out of the car, it was the owner of the organic shop. He was going to pick up his kid from nursery school. Also here I felt a nasty thought coming up and when it came through it didn’t look like a nasty one. Within this thought I wondered if his kid is a boy or a girl, since I never had discovered that. The reply I gave myself on that question turned already into something nasty, within saying the kid has long hair, how can you tell if it’s a boy or a girl if you let your child look like that. I stopped and slowed down to see what was really going on underneath these thoughts. It was the car that was the trigger point, it made me feel less, why can they drive in a big expensive car. The thoughts went further into, probably because of their high prices in their organic shop. So again jealousy and not so much of the car, but more of the fact that they have money to spend on such things.

Today I cleaned at J.&A. their Country house and we enjoyed each others company and we had worked like a team to get the apartments clean before the guest starts coming in for their holidays. We were chatting a bit and while A. spoke I watched her mouth while she was speaking, A. is a really cute looking lady and she always smiles, I liked the way her mouth moved while speaking. At the same time I could sense nasty thoughts were going to be formed and I challenged my mind. I said: what are you doing? There is no need for nasty thoughts at all, I’m having a conversation and enjoying it and I will not allow and accept  nasty thoughts to come and spoil the moment. Within that moment the thoughts faded away. I was kind of proud that I had proven to myself that I can be my own directive principle. At the same time I realize the amount of back chat thoughts that I still have to tackle, but I’m grateful for the progress I have made. Being aware and recognizing the back chat is the first step, before the real hiking can start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous on the money others have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity in more and less in relation to money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cope with feeling less through nasty thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this pattern of jealousy.

I did it, no reactions towards going to school 14/04/2011

This time I hadn’t been making up conversations in my mind of how to approach the teachers. I didn’t have this feeling of anxiety before even going to school. No pain in my stomach as a sign of being reluctant. I just went as if I had an appointment. Today and yesterday we had parent-meetings at school, which is basically an overload of waiting in line and listening to teachers talking in circles and only a few who are capable of making a distinction between students and not replaying the same judgements over and over again to all parents.

The kids were still at school for extra lessons, my son J. was waiting downstairs where the porter sits and my daughter A. went up with us. This way we could stand in line for three different teachers at the same time and A. filled in the place of the one that had to go inside the classroom. Very effective and this way we were ready in almost no time. Normally I do not go and talk with the teachers alone, I was always afraid I was missing out on something or totally not understanding the message. I’m over it, I found out that they rarely have really something to say, so why making a fuss over something like this. I understood what they said and was able to respond, maybe not in beautiful sentences, but the message got across.

All these years when a teacher told something about my child that was really no reality, I got mad and mean. Mad in my back chat and mean in my words. Did this help so far? Nope. So no valid strategy and time for another one. One teacher said that my son J. while doing a paper, had written his name and all the questions but no answers and handed it to this teacher. So I asked the teacher what J. his motives were, since I hadn’t seen J. that day at home and had not spoken to him yet. The teacher said he didn’t know why the paper was empty and J. didn’t fill in anything. I said this is to me weird behavior how come you as a teacher do not know J.’s motives for not responding to the questions? He said he simply didn’t know. I told him that I would find out why. When I spoke to J. he said he had answered the questions, but he hadn’t written much, simply because he didn’t recall it. In other words, he has to study more.

Then another teacher spoke about my daughter A. on how she had to score better on his subject and that he saw her grades go up and down. So I asked him if he knew why this happened and he said he didn’t have a clue. He had found out that A. was doing well in class, but within tests and homework she wasn’t able to perform. I said, maybe she isn’t able to apply the information. So I asked him how we were going to fix this problem since she is doing her exam this year. He said: she can come to me before or after class and ask questions if she wants.

So this was a cool new experience since I normally, when teachers were telling crap, immediately went into my back chat and became less open to hear what they were saying. The fact that most teachers and students have different truths, isn’t giving me the liberty to get mean and rude. Also this time I asked what we were going to do about certain problems to keep all of us within our responsibility. I just approached it in the moment and if a teacher wants to lie, he has to deal with the consequences himself. I cannot make him change his mind and I cannot take this personal. Defending my children as I always did is only making teachers angry. Then when they see my child they are reminded of me and they see my child in a negative way. Because going to these meetings is only to put positivity to the name of my child and show them that we care as parents. Never something constructives happend
within this kind of conversations. The current education system is simply not a place where they think about what’s best for all. We all know it, but don’t want to do anything about it. It simply is as it is.

While waiting in line some interesting things occurred. People were talking about the teachers and how they didn’t care anymore. How teachers were no longer teaching out of passion and no longer explaining till the student understood the materials. So I said that most teachers were seeing teaching as a job and not as a passion. It’s simply a way to make a living, so all about money.  People agreed. Then one dad said that it was better in the old days and that things had changed. I said, we also changed, we do not educate our children the way we were educated. So the result is another type of child/student and another type of teacher. One not necessarily better or worse than the other. Then another dad said: but in the end we educate our children the same way as our parents. And yes that’s pre-programming and following your download.

Too busy blaming others 10/04/2011

Too busy blaming others while I should have taken my responsibility and eliminating the source for the abuse of my child. This is one of those realizations I so to speak had rather not made, because it’s showing once again how also I am totally fucked up and giving attention to all the things that seem to matter, but not at those issues that really make a difference. Not seeing through the veils of my own deception. If I had taken my responsibility from the start, within a friendship of my daughter A. and another girl, things had still been able to direct and to manage. I didn’t direct myself for all kind of reasons and ended up blaming others for the same behavior that I already had exhibited.

And where one fucks-up there is always room for more fucked-upness. As also in this situation, where the lack of taking responsibility, in the case of abusive peer behavior connected to my lack of responsibility for my own sexual experiences ended up in the abuse of my daughter. Maybe an interesting mixture for a fantasy, abusive behavior and sexuality, but a disaster in real life.

I’m talking here about a back chat that started 2,5 years ago and ended this week. It all started with us, as a family, moving to another village and the kids who were starting at a new school. A. picked a new girlfriend out of the 7 girls in her class, all these girls had no girlfriend amongst those 7 girls and were desperate for friendship and seeking for acceptance and validation. The new girlfriend was manipulative, shameless within taking and wrecking our possessions.

The moment the girl started wrecking our stuff and being dishonest about it, I had to take my responsibility and confront the girl with her actions. I could have given her the choice of leaving or adjusting in the best interest of all. I justified myself by thinking that my insufficient knowledge of the Italian language could be a reason to not speak up to the girl. I even feared not being accepted and being seen as mean or not nice. Instead I told A. to tell the girl that I was not pleased, which was in fact abusing my authority as parent to neglect my responsibility and abusing my child through putting her in my role as a parent. I let the girl stay with us even after she misbehaved, wrecked and lied over and over again. This was a perfect breeding ground for my back chat and over time I started hating this girl for what she did and got away with. Not seeing that I didn’t stop this behavior that was absolute not in the best interest of all, therefore I let her get away with it. Deep down I knew it and I wasn’t willing to see that I hated myself for not taking responsibility and projected it unto the girl.

The friendship between A. and the girl became mentally abusive and later with the help of others also physical abusive. At that point the situation was already out of control and A. became the victim of bullying. The school had no protocol for this and did not label or recognize it as bullying. I blamed them for not taking their responsibility and conveniently forgot that I also had not taken my responsibility earlier in this whole event. Due to the fact that nobody was taking responsibility and the situation got out of hand A. got a burnout and stayed home for weeks. A. decided to continue with school at another Middle School in a nearby town. Things seemed sorted out and I not really looked into this point for myself again.

A year ago A. became friends with a girl here in the village and all seemed fine. Till the day the girl started acting quite free and feeling at home in our house. Out of the blue the girl started wrecking one of my chairs and without really noticing I  locked myself into my memories of the first girlfriend of A. I projected the whole memory/experience unto this girl and wasn’t able to see what was real, back chat or memory. Though not long after that I saw what was happening and I tried to stop it with self-forgiveness within the moment, although this was more SF out of fear for repeating the past and therefore not really effective. All that happend was suppressing the old memories and the new experiences getting twisted by the old one’s.

Before the girl could even do or say something, in my opinion she was already the one to blame. Then a couple of days ago I left the girl and my son in my car waiting, while A. and I went into the bookshop for school supplies. When I came back they were fooling around and making a lot of noise. I got irritated and in that moment I watched the girl more or less lying in the front seat with her jeans belt open. What is she doing, flashed through my mind. Are they making out in the car? They are kids! Within these back chat thoughts I could see how twisted my own ideas about sexuality are. So I pushed away and suppressed these thoughts and labeled them as ridiculous and bizarre and kind of wanted to separate myself from this part of me.

As I know by now, suppressing and pushing away isn’t going to do the trick it’s an ingredient for more fucked-upness. That night I woke up sweaty and feeling absolute shitty. I had a dream and the remains of it were still flashing and echoing through my head. I dreamed that my 11 year old son J. said, in this really nonchalant way:” oh yeah I also tried to have sex with the girl and then A. started yelling: Yeah I saw you guys having sex in the alley, really filthy.” In that moment I’m surprised about what the kids are saying, it feels really surreal. I tell myself that we do not have an alley, as if that makes up for something. I slowly wake up and get this image of me entering the bathroom while J. is in the shower. When looking at his silhouette through the shower doors I see he has an erection. In that moment I am ashamed of seeing it, though I know this happens to 11 year old boys. Then I really are awake and feel awful and ashamed. When really back in reality I feel an arousal within my genitals. I want to hide, but there is nowhere to go, I feel so ashamed of myself. Why am I having these twisted thoughts? I need to take my responsibility and sort out my sexuality and relationship with my own body. I can blame this dream these feelings on the girl and on the first girl, but it’s been all along me who didn’t take responsibility and blamed others for the outcome.

So I wrote it all out and put it into perspective to see where to apply SF and how to avoid going back in the same patterns again. This time it was a dream that shook me back into reality, if I keep suppressing, it will manifest and I will create future events with it. No more blaming others while I do not take responsibility myself, within this all my child allowed herself to be abused and I didn’t protect her, indeed I made the abuse possible and abused my reality by being in my mind and believing my back chat. No more, no more do I want to be in this position, within this awful place called mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was weird behavior of these girls in A her new class. Instead of seeing that all these girls were desperate seeking for friendship and validation what the 7 hadn’t found in each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my hypocritical being nice towards the girl. Instead of seeing that I was judging her even before I knew her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A enjoyed her with the new girl. Instead of seeing that also A was searching for a friendship, the same as she had in Holland, a friendship that would give her the validation she needs from outside herself to feel accepted in her new environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was pleased as A was pleased, not willing to see that both our motivations were originating in dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it seemed A enjoyed herself with the new girlfriend. Instead of already picking up red flags about the girls behavior and take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that noise inside the house is inappropriate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my hating noise with the opinion that it’s inappropriate. Instead of seeing that it’s me who is reacting to the noise and blaming the noise for being distracted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the wrecking of the bike with the fact that it can happen to anyone. Instead of seeing that I was pretending not caring, but already blaming the girl for wrecking it out of not liking her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for deliberately wrecking the bike. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself for not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A to take my responsibility and confront the girl in my place. Instead of seeing that it is unacceptable to use my own child to fill in the gaps where I do not take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my blaming the girl for wrecking the bike when I found out she had lied about it. Instead of being my own directive principle and stop the abusive behavior of the girl by taking my own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not trusting the girl since I labeled her as a deceiver.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not taking my responsibility. Instead of seeing that this is an passive act that will not make me direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not confronting the girl. Instead of seeing that I feared not being accepted and therefore didn’t take any responsibility. Which left me with the same unsolved issue as before, not taking responsibility in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A in telling the girl what I had to tell and not taking my own responsibility. Instead I delegated it to my child who wasn’t in a position to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A still enjoyed playing with girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my being fed up with the girl through my opinion about the girl as being a deceiver. Instead of seeing that I was fed up with myself for allowing the girl her abusive behavior and not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for being a deceiver so I was entitled to be fed up with her. Instead of seeing that I was conquering some sort of freedom to judge and label the girl as deceiver to be off the hook myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for touching my stuff. Instead of seeing that I was possessive when it came to my stuff, seeing it as mine and not able to share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it my body was sick and reacting with fever. Instead of seeing how out of tune I was with my own physical body that I believed I suddenly had a fever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not knowing when I have a fever or when my environment is too warm and making me overheated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for the turned up switch already before investigating the matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for something she possibly could have done. Instead of seeing that any excuse was welcome to blame and judge the girl to cover up my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for switching the temperature on max. Instead of seeing that I hadn’t taken my responsibility and told the girl to stay out my bedroom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not being pleased with the fact that the girl had misbehaved and not respecting the unspoken rule to stay out of my bedroom and not touching any switches.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for not respecting an unspoken rule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not taking any responsibility to communicate with guests what I do not allow in my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A to tell the girl to stay out of my bedroom and point out unspoken rules. instead of seeing that it is my responsibility as grown up to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl for feeling awful in not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my not liking the girl with the fact that she was braking the unspoken rules.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe A still enjoyed playing with the girl. Instead of seeing that A wanted to belong and not wanted to end up isolated and alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for still coming over and not sensing she wasn’t really welcome. Instead of seeing that due to the fact that I already so many times allowed the girl’s abusive behavior and not taking responsibility I was ashamed and afraid of suddenly taking my responsibility and feared not being accepted and spoiling things for A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the girl having dinner with us after her misbehavior. Instead of seeing that I was buying off debt for not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into having the girl over for dinner. Instead of seeing that Idid it to be accepted and not having to admit my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for presenting myself as a nice mom, while feeling like an awful mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being a hypocrite when stating that she liked my cooking. Instead of seeing that the girl was seeking for validation and acceptance, but not knowing how to establish this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify giving her food to bring home for her mom and at the same time not believing her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl for having to give away food and not believing it was for the mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself to deny someone food based on a assumption of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into giving away food while having the feeling of “this isn’t okay”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for the fact that I gave away far too much expensive tea to please her. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to spoil this friendship for A and went into extremes, a few bags of tea would have been enough to taste it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it’s rude to ask for so much expensive tea bags. Instead of seeing that I was over possessive due to the price I had paid for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the motives of the girl were dishonest without being able to proof it. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to share the expensive tea bags.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for not responding on my question if her mom liked the tea. Instead of seeing that I didn’t trust the girl with anything which indicates that I didn’t trust myself with anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not taking responsibility and not confronted the girl with her behavior. Instead of seeing that I’m my own directive principle that I need to take my own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A still enjoyed playing with the girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not wanting to see the girl. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to be confronted with the fact that I had not been taken responsibility and therefore didn’t want to face myself and be reminded of it by seeing the girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for having to put effort in being nice to her. Instead of seeing that I was the hypocrite and not nice to myself by allowing abusive behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify hating the girl because she wrecked already quite some stuff of ours. Instead of seeing that I was hating myself for not stopping this behavior of wrecking stuff and taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in believing I wasn’t mad. Instead of seeing that I was irritated for having more laundry and more fuss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl freaked out. Instead of seeing that the girl really feared her mother based on reality or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was going to be hit by her mom. Instead of seeing that my back chat didn’t believed it and even thought that she deserved it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for making me feel guilty. Feeling guilty for the girl being hit by her mom. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to know about this apparent abuse, and not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was acting ridiculous and dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe she was deceiving me again by telling these stories about her mom being abusive towards her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame her for deceiving me again. Instead of seeing that I wanted to deny possible abusive behavior of the mom so I didn’t have to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was acting strange out of the ordinary. Instead of seeing that I was holding onto a picture I had formed about her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for acting totally different than normal. Instead of seeing that she might have been honest for once.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl could not fear her mom when she unscrupulous wrecked my stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being fed up with her lies. Instead of seeing that I was fed up with myself and not showing the real me who would take responsibility where necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for how I was feeling, fed up with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my trust in her was zero.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my zero trust in her due to her own behavior of being irresponsible. Instead of seeing that I was doing the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A into not playing too much with the girl, because of her abusive behavior. While not being honest with A about my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not having the girl in the house that much with being happy for A to mingle with her peers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was happy when I didn’t see this girl as much. Instead of seeing that every time I did see her I was confronted with my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for my being mad. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself and mad at myself for having this whole event escalated by not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was unfair and evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for my outburst of anger. Instead of seeing that I had given her this much space to be abusive towards my child/another being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A and not allowing her to play with the girl again. Instead of seeing that I feared the extent this event could have or become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that A wasn’t allowed to play with the girl anymore due to mental problems of the girl. Instead of seeing that I already knew about the girls problems yet I did nothing out of fear of not being accepted and more problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A would become the victim of the girls mental imbalance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not taking responsibility when the girl verbally attacked A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not confronting the girl nor the mom with her behavior towards A. Instead of realizing that I feared their reactions and what they were capable of. I didn’t direct myself I let fear direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that I didn’t confront the girl or the mom with her behavior, with fearing their reaction or actions. instead of seeing that this fear was a projection of my mind into the future and therefore not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for bullying A. Instead of seeing that this was the outflow of what I feared most, what I had been projecting and my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for not taking action in case of bullying. Instead of seeing that I had neither taken responsibility when the seeds for bullying were planted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for not knowing about the bullying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the teachers lie to me about not knowing about the bullying. Instead of working what is here in the moment and not judging others without investigating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl would lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for stating a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for stating a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the school for not taking responsibility. Instead of seeing that I had done the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own failure upon the school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I had to protect my child. Instead of seeing that I had been doing the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not taking my responsibility with me as a mom have to protect my child. Instead of seeing that I was hiding behind my mother construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that thinking about the school had so much power over me that it could make me disgust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that teachers should be fired if not capable of protecting the students. Instead of seeing that in that case I also had to be fired as a mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for incapable behavior. Instead of seeing that I had been incapable too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the girl wanted to fool around with Jis. Instead of seeing that I feared abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of the previous event with the previous girlfriend onto this event. Instead of seeing that it was a memory that determined me in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for feeling awful. Instead of seeing that the memory took these emotions and feelings with it and I let the memory be my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for feeling nauseous. Instead of seeing that I resisted taking responsibility out of fear of not being accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the event was familiar to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for wrecking my chair. Instead of seeing that I feared the repeating of the former abusive event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for feeling afraid to speak up about the wrecking. instead of seeing that I feared still the event with the first girlfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was too afraid to stand and say no. Instead of seeing that I was too afraid to take again no responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for making me stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear for standing up due to a past experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being in this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my experience with the first girlfriend unto the second.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into doing something I didn’t want to do out of fear what would happen in my house when the girl came over. Instead of seeing that I was making excuses, blaming the girl for things that had not yet happened and projecting memories on top of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify taking the girl home out of lack of motives for not doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate Jis and the girl to stay in the car to not make the shop owner nervous. Instead of being honest and saying that I didn’t want the girl in the shop due to her behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the owner of the shop gets nervous with more kids in her shop than one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that I didn’t want the girl with me and with the fact that the shop owner didn’t want kids in her store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the shop owner is really slow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl and Jis for my irritation while they were fooling around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that a open belt means making out. Instead of seeing that this opinion is formed in my mind through media and society which I adopted and saw as valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl and Jis for the shock I felt due to the picture that was presented to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl and Jis for something I didn’t know if they were doing. Instead of seeing that this picture I saw was stimulating my fantasy and making all kind of assumptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I dismissed the ridiculous thought. Instead of seeing that I didn’t do SF in the moment or corrected myself immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to do no SF, because it was all hectic in that moment. So basically justified myself for being in a hectic situation and therefore not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nothing is out of the ordinary and the belt was just not functioning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having such strange thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having such strange thoughts and believing I must be sexually twisted with these thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I moved on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for her evil influences and having sex with Jis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having these twisted thoughts in my dream and justify this with saying: we do not have an alley.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having seen my son with an erection. Instead of seeing that this is a false kind of shame and saying more about me and sexuality, about me and being ashamed about my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going into the bathroom and seeing my son with an erection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having feelings of arousal after dreaming this sexual based dream. Instead of seeing that it’s pointing out where I am within my sexuality, to move on and act instead of thinking about sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having feelings of insecurity, nauseousness and shame after this sexual dream. Instead of taking it on as a point to work on/with, to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I fear these made up stories to become real. Instead of seeing that this is the mind playing around with me as long a I let it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for having sex with Jis. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself for this twisted dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not taking any responsibility with blaming the girl for all bad things in my own opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this dream is sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for participating within this pattern of not taking responsibility till the point that fantasy and realty are going to be mixed and I become a threat for my environment.

When and as I see myself participating within a point of not taking responsibility within the point of abuse. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by not taking my responsibility I allow and accept abuse. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the pattern of not taking responsibility -and participate equally.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of blaming others for not taking my own responsibility. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as blaming others and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

When and as I see myself participating within a point of not taking responsibility for my own sexuality. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by not taking this responsibility I allow and accept thoughts and fears to direct me. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the this pattern of not taking responsibility -and participate equally.

Unwrapping myself after winter 05/04/2011

A couple of days ago when the temperature suddenly went up as if it was already summer, I, for the first time in weeks unwrapped myself in front of a mirror. I was familiar with the image I had seen throughout winter, this kind of Michelin man dressed in many layers of clothes. When I went to bed, I always undressed really fast so I would not cool down too much, before dressing myself for bed. When taking a shower, I also undressed quickly and never really watched myself in the mirror. So there I stood in front of the mirror looking at the surprise that I unwrapped. OMG I have a belly, yes of course I have a belly, but this one is filled is stuffed. The first thing that came in mind was, put this back in the wrap, because I do not like my present.

It seems that I still have certain images I hold on to, otherwise it would only have been a finding or a fact, that I had gained weight after winter. I always gain weight in winter, some extra fat to keep me warm. Normally I would see myself daily in the mirror, my belly and my image in the mirror would grow slowly but surely along with me. It wouldn’t have given this shock, I would have been gradually gotten used to my new size.

I still fit in my clothes so there is not much to make a fuss about. In fact that would have been the only thing I would have made a fuss about. Making all new clothes takes a lot of time and money, which I do not want to spend if it’s for no good reason. Therefore no big motions, I still fit in to them, I only now am feeling the limits of my clothes. My clothes are saying, till here and no further. So I’m back at a “diet” of only eating what my body needs and not extra stuff because it tastes good.

After 2 days of non-useless and non-mindless eating I already feel a bit lighter, which is of course bull shit. By not taking the extra’s for 2 days I can impossibly lose all my winter fat. This brings me to the point of feeling, after my unwrapping I was just before having my menstruation. In that period I always feel like a huge person due to the fact that I have fluid retention and swollen breasts. Winter fat plus fluid retention gave me the impression, the feeling that I gained many many kilo’s. Now 2 days later when the fluid retention is gone and I took responsibility for my diet again, I feel kilo’s lighter. I didn’t take any measurements so it’s purely feelings that as I can see, cannot be trusted. So as long as I hang on to these feelings, I cannot be trusted and I am dishonest in fact.

Gaining wait is something that happens for a purpose or out of a purpose, all the emotions,  feelings and fears around it are distracting me from what is really happening. What really happend was me listening to my back chat, the voice in my head. Then when I become a bit more familiar again with my body, I woke up in the morning and turned around in bed what hurt my right breast. I automatically touched the place where it did hurt and I felt a lump in my breast. A big shock went through my body while still not completely awake. OMG a lump in my breast! Every PMS period gives me lumps in my breast and they go away after I had my menstruation. The whole day these thoughts about the lump came up and with that the memory of my sister-in-law who had breast cancer. Somebody in my village had breast cancer and now a brain tumor. Before I knew it I had this chain reaction of thoughts about other people’s illnesses. So I had to stop and no longer participate. Which is not easy, to find the line between ignoring/suppressing or really not participating. Nevertheless I still fear lumps and cysts and things that were not there before. The painful breasts have gone now and so have most of the lumps, it’s time to really connect again with my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my image in the mirror and therefore accepting separation within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the back chat accumulate my thoughts and lead me to places in the mind that are not in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be alienated from my physical body after winter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my feelings around illness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my feelings as real and as valid measurement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not participate and at the same time have fears around it of not knowing if it’s ignoring/suppressing or really not participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to a certain body image, that of a flat belly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to personality/image and therefore holding on to my ego.