Unwrapping myself after winter 05/04/2011

A couple of days ago when the temperature suddenly went up as if it was already summer, I, for the first time in weeks unwrapped myself in front of a mirror. I was familiar with the image I had seen throughout winter, this kind of Michelin man dressed in many layers of clothes. When I went to bed, I always undressed really fast so I would not cool down too much, before dressing myself for bed. When taking a shower, I also undressed quickly and never really watched myself in the mirror. So there I stood in front of the mirror looking at the surprise that I unwrapped. OMG I have a belly, yes of course I have a belly, but this one is filled is stuffed. The first thing that came in mind was, put this back in the wrap, because I do not like my present.

It seems that I still have certain images I hold on to, otherwise it would only have been a finding or a fact, that I had gained weight after winter. I always gain weight in winter, some extra fat to keep me warm. Normally I would see myself daily in the mirror, my belly and my image in the mirror would grow slowly but surely along with me. It wouldn’t have given this shock, I would have been gradually gotten used to my new size.

I still fit in my clothes so there is not much to make a fuss about. In fact that would have been the only thing I would have made a fuss about. Making all new clothes takes a lot of time and money, which I do not want to spend if it’s for no good reason. Therefore no big motions, I still fit in to them, I only now am feeling the limits of my clothes. My clothes are saying, till here and no further. So I’m back at a “diet” of only eating what my body needs and not extra stuff because it tastes good.

After 2 days of non-useless and non-mindless eating I already feel a bit lighter, which is of course bull shit. By not taking the extra’s for 2 days I can impossibly lose all my winter fat. This brings me to the point of feeling, after my unwrapping I was just before having my menstruation. In that period I always feel like a huge person due to the fact that I have fluid retention and swollen breasts. Winter fat plus fluid retention gave me the impression, the feeling that I gained many many kilo’s. Now 2 days later when the fluid retention is gone and I took responsibility for my diet again, I feel kilo’s lighter. I didn’t take any measurements so it’s purely feelings that as I can see, cannot be trusted. So as long as I hang on to these feelings, I cannot be trusted and I am dishonest in fact.

Gaining wait is something that happens for a purpose or out of a purpose, all the emotions,  feelings and fears around it are distracting me from what is really happening. What really happend was me listening to my back chat, the voice in my head. Then when I become a bit more familiar again with my body, I woke up in the morning and turned around in bed what hurt my right breast. I automatically touched the place where it did hurt and I felt a lump in my breast. A big shock went through my body while still not completely awake. OMG a lump in my breast! Every PMS period gives me lumps in my breast and they go away after I had my menstruation. The whole day these thoughts about the lump came up and with that the memory of my sister-in-law who had breast cancer. Somebody in my village had breast cancer and now a brain tumor. Before I knew it I had this chain reaction of thoughts about other people’s illnesses. So I had to stop and no longer participate. Which is not easy, to find the line between ignoring/suppressing or really not participating. Nevertheless I still fear lumps and cysts and things that were not there before. The painful breasts have gone now and so have most of the lumps, it’s time to really connect again with my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my image in the mirror and therefore accepting separation within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the back chat accumulate my thoughts and lead me to places in the mind that are not in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be alienated from my physical body after winter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my feelings around illness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my feelings as real and as valid measurement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not participate and at the same time have fears around it of not knowing if it’s ignoring/suppressing or really not participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to a certain body image, that of a flat belly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to personality/image and therefore holding on to my ego.

Freakish 15/11/2010

A few blogs ago I was talking about the blood type diet and in that moment I decided to test out what impact tomatoes are having on me. I tested already out that I do have a reaction when eating tomatoes. To me it was a riddle, never had I experienced physical discomfort after eating tomatoes.

The idea of testing it out seemed at the time common sense. At first I didn’t see that I was making a lot of excuses and justifications to not radically test it for myself. Today I noticed a lot of mucus after eating my lunch, a slice of quiche. I had seen more reactions recently, so I figured it must be the right time to investigate. Only than I discovered the excuses for not testing out the tomato. What can I eat if I skip the tomato totally out of my diet for a while? What about pizza without tomato sauce, tomato soup without tomato, pasta Bolognese without tomato, salad without tomato. There are billions of people who never eat tomatoes, what’s the big deal? Do I detect resistance here Sylvia? Well, I suppose so…. What is the importance for me to hold on to the tomato?

I searched on the Desteni web-site for the food descriptions Maite once made. What is the tomato doing for us humans within the physical? The tomato assist and supports with the disentanglement of ingrained and infused manifested systems in and as the cell tissue of the human physical body. Such systems that are disentangled will be inverted into and as self as manifested behaviors and habits that will be experienced prominently to be faced. No more will it be hidden in the physical or hidden from self.

When I read “infused manifested systems in and as the cell tissue” I immediately came to think of my cysts, which are taking over my body. The first one I had on my hip at the age of 16, a little hard bump underneath my skin. My family doctor told me not to worry. My second one I found in my breast at the age of 21 and it was surgically removed, no cancer just a cyst my doctor said. The third I found at the age of 23 in my groin and my family doctor removed it, again a cyst. After the third one it calmed down a bit and after that I lost count. They are within my arms, legs, belly and the last one on top of my head. With shaving my head it could no longer be hidden. This one I regularly check, if it stays this size or if it’s growing. I do not fear cancer in this case, but one needs to keep in touch with ones body. I muscle tested if my cysts had anything to do with the tomatoes, meaning the assisting and support. Yes, tomatoes are assisting me with my cysts. Wow, how beautiful,  I could become emotional about this, but I’m not. I’m just amazed how nature is helping us and how we not even see the help that’s been offered.

I already had found out and checked through the resonances that the cysts are systems within my system. I had till now no idea how to break that information down into peaces for me to work with. In fact I was already a few days struggling with how to approach this point after bringing it up again. Halleluja, the answer just fell out of the sky, but no kidding all the answers are with us here all along during our life’s. I still have some disentangling to do, but this is the first break through.

Another thing that still wasn’t disentangled was the reaction I get by eating tomatoes. I know now that I resisted taking out the tomatoes of my diet, because they are assisting and supporting me. Therefore I muscle tested for a word that could explain my physical or mental reaction that I have when eating tomatoes. I tested for the word freakish, okay. I searched further for an explanation of the word freakish and I tested for the words; unpredictable and unchangeable. I can relate to these words, I’m quite unchangeable when it comes to certain habits. When I do change I see how easy it is to change and do not understand myself at all.

Unpredictable is something that I value as a positive addition to my identity/personality. Nine years ago a mom who I knew from my daughter A. her kindergarten said to me: “Sylvia you are a person that’s going through life unnoticed’. My ego was hurt, I had given birth to my two children and I was really insecure about my body that wasn’t in shape again. I didn’t feel like unnoticed, I had friends. She told me to dress well and use make-up. I must have been desperate, because I started to make fashionable clothes for myself and started to use make-up. I felt noticed again. Now looking back on the whole event, I can see that this lady was projecting her own worries and perceptions on to me. She was obese, had MS and hardly any friends, but I took it personal without really investigating. Thus when being unpredictable I could be noticed and be somebody, without understanding that I already AM. I don’t need ego or identity to become more ME. Wow another revelation. Thank you tomato for being so kind and assisting.

The solution for eating tomatoes will be eating tomatoes in moderation to be still assisted and less freakish. I will in time share the unraveled parts of this tomato story and I will share more self-forgiveness on it. To be continued.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted an allowed myself to resist not eating tomatoes for a while.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted an allowed myself to become freakish after eating tomatoes, meaning unpredictable and unchangeable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted an allowed myself to participate within the pattern of unchangeability when it comes to habits, while I know that I can change in every breath and moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted an allowed myself to value the word unpredictable to boost up my ego/identity.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted an allowed myself to believe that I was unnoticed for my outer world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted an allowed myself to act on an opinion of another without investigating the point.