Russian scenes or simply taking an exam? 24/06/2011

I watched a video clip of Russia Today about Russia having the highest teen suicide rate in Europe. The video talked about increases of suicides around the late December and early June exams. Teens experience these periods as highly stressful and for some it is too much to take or to cope with on their own. Russian experts say that these emotional stress builds up over time and when parents are able to see what their kid is dealing with they rather be not confronted with it and want to continue life as normal. Russia is quite underdeveloped when it comes to psychological help and according to the video there is not much  to do about it in the current Russian society. Yearly 4000, mainly
girls, take their own life’s due to exam related emotional stress.

I myself have a teenage daughter that is going through her final Middle School exams, right now. I also, just as the Russian parents, saw that the stress was building up. Where my daughter A. had this attitude of “all is going to be fine”, during the school year, she now is aware that she can’t make a huge difference anymore. Just not fucking up the exams. She payed attention in the classroom during the years, wasn’t a big fan of doing homework. Therefore she reduced homework to a minimum. This year she had to choose her future school career, is it going to be High School or all the way up to University. A lot of stress when you’re just 14.

So 2 weeks ago I asked A. if she wanted to talk or blow off some steam. I couldn’t look the other way like the Russian parents in the video. I knew that with a little bit of common sense we could tackle A.’s problems. Not that I’m a magician, but simply because common sense takes things apart without emotions and feelings involved. And of course I did also, many years ago my exams, which was indeed a stressful and emotional period in my life. Though never to this point of wanting to end my life. Probably because kids nowadays are moving in such a fast interactive multi media world and they’re constantly impulsed by tv, social networks, mobile phones. Looking at it now I had quite a protected youth, simply because cell phones were not yet normal in the streets-cape, internet was not yet for the average people and still in its research phase, television had only 3 channels in Holland. We simply had to entertain ourselves, on which my generation did a better job than when I look at my own kids how they sometimes get bored due to overstimuli and an excess of virtual entertainment.

Anyway back to the exam stress, A. and I sat down and A. started to cry. It was indeed too much at this point, no suicidal too much, but emotions and feelings pulling and pushing her all over the place. While explaining after she calmed down what was kind of holding power over her, was this feeling of being tossed around by her own energetic charges. During the year she did her stuff, but as most teens nothing more then required. A. has been debunking a lot of her textbooks for what was written in it, but of course that was a no go area with her teachers. However when you see how you’re being fooled it’s even harder to try and learn the stuff. A. went into her exams with a 7 ( out of the 10) as her average mark. Not too bad for doing the minimum and being down graded as a foreigner. Nevertheless according to A. not high enough to not worry for her exams.

A. told me that for the last 6 months the teachers had been scaring the students for the exams and told that they didn’t work hard enough and that flanking was a real possibility. This fear management of the teachers was quite severe and in a way I do understand this kind of psychology to try and get these youngsters to work. But fear is not the tool to learn them self-responsibility and even enjoying to master information and see where to apply it. Of course being able to apply the learned information is an utopia in our current school system. So the teachers on one hand scared the shit out of A., it was feeding into her insecurity. Did she put enough effort in her school work or not, was a constant question on her mind, now she couldn’t change that anymore and only work with the consequences.

On the other hand a lot of the students who did their exams last year and the years before said that the exam was really easy and they didn’t have to study for it, everybody was passing anyway. This message was one that A. wanted to hear of course, but she didn’t trust it due to the information the teachers had been giving in a agressive way. It was simple A.was trapped in a polarity going from one side to the other, the exams are difficult versus the exams are easy. Further more this polarity was opening up all kind of teenage insecurities, till a point that the only future projection A. could do was fear. Not even anymore being able to name the fear game. No wonder she felt overwhelmed by her own accepted and allowed manifestation.

We dissected the polarity and all the turmoil that was attached to it and now she was able to see what it was that was holding her in place, within this fear. Really cool to do this with your child and to see that she was capable of opening up this point with a little bit of “objective” support from outside. If A. a 14 year old girl can do it, then all of us can do it and interpret our world according to what is really here and what needs our real attention to be an effective being and become of value for society in an equal way, where outcomes are best for all, because we understand life and know what we’re doing or dealing with.

A. did her 4 written exams, a national multiple choice exam and her oral exam is scheduled for the 28th of June. She said, till so far the teachers did lie to us about the exams and till so far everybody was allowed to attend the exams. All of a sudden all had an average mark of at least a 6, while their marks could impossible lead up to this average. Hhmmm, a nice introduction to society, showing the students what corruption in action is, because that’s the point they will remember.

Being robbed of self-trust 02/05/2011

While having a skype conversation with my parents, they told me that they had been the victims of a robbery. Their trailer which they use to go on holiday had been staying at several trailer workshops to fix issues that were still within the guarantee. I already wrote in another blog that my parents are real Houdini’s when it comes to manifesting whenever they buy something new. So this winter the aftermath of this creating process had to be fixed.

They went to the last workshop where they had left the trailer to pick it up and prepare it for a short holiday break. When they arrived nobody had taken the effort to take the trailer already to the parking area where my dad could hook it to the car. When the workshop owner finally got the trailer from the back of the shop, they discovered that the trailer still had to be cleaned. My parents arrived at 10 am and left  around lunchtime, too much relieved about the fact that they could finally leave, they didn’t check the trailer right away.

The moment they entered the trailer it was a mess inside. My mom immediately missed the quilts and pillows which I made them last year and other stuff that wasn’t theirs was lying in the bathroom. So my mom asked if the shop owner had mixed up things from other owners and if she could have here stuff back. The owner told them that they never moved stuff out of the trailers while being in repair. The trailer had traces of black soot and they found burnt matches everywhere along with my moms tea lights. After inspecting the trailer even more thoroughly they found out that a hatch on the outside was forced and that someone had gone inside the little box and made it’s entrance inside the trailer. The tables had been notched and all closets where searched and messed up. So either a junk or a homeless person had been sleeping in the trailer over the weekend and took the guilts and pillows with him/her after leaving.

While my parents spoke about the whole event and when they told me they had washed/scrubbed everything clean in order to be able to use it again. Meaning they had to wash away the memory and the nasty feelings of the back chat. My parents and I had in that moment the same a specific memory that popped up right away, my grandfather. After a burglary in the house of my grandparents, my grandfather changed mentally. He felt groped and almost assaulted after thieves went into their home while they were asleep. For weeks he spoke about this event of which I can see now that he was possessed with, this feeling of being groped/assaulted. He never spoke about the loss of the possessions/items the thieves had taken away, only about the feelings and emotions. Within little time he developed a tumor in his neck/throat which could be removed successfully, but the feelings/emotions still consumed him. He became a zombie and really sick, then the doctors found out he had lung cancer and within a few months he died. He died because he let himself being robbed of his self-trust, he didn’t feel safe anywhere anymore not even amongst his own family.

I told them, out of my own fear of losing them, that they better not let these feelings consume them just as had happened with my grandfather. It was my mom’s dad and she as well as I are carrying the genetical download of this family, better stop the pattern when it still can. My mom is really introvert, so lets see how this develops. Maybe a nice entrance to show them how to deal with these feelings and at the same time an almost impossible job when I consider that they do not understand that they are their own creator and therefore responsible for all within their life’s.

So when being robbed, it’s not so much the loss of a possession, it’s about the loss of a memory and feelings/emotions that are attached to the memory. I saw this really clear when my mom expressed that she’s really sick about not having the quilts anymore. The quilts that I, her daughter, made. It’s that exact memory, of me making those quilts for her, that turn those quilts as a memory into an entity which my mom now mourns over. Therefore when things are stolen from someone, that being is robbed of his/hers memories which have emotions/feelings attached to it. That feels as if something out of them/part of them is brutally taken away. Next they judge themselves and blame themselves for the fact that they could not protect themselves of being robbed. This results in the feeling that they do not have any self-trust left, it’s taken way. They allowed it to be taken away, they gave away their self direction, the moment they felt groped and assaulted. When one realises that this whole play out is a play out within the mind, an energetic game of moving your waters.

When we stick to what reality is offering us, we see inequality. One person is taking from another who has more than the other. We see someone that is living on the streets, out of mental or drug problems, someone who does not have a roof above his/her head. We see possessions that are no longer there and need to be replaced, which can be done painless within the current system through insurances as long as you belong to the people with money. But all of this is totally unnecessary when all have an equal start in life. Then we do not have to take from others and we do not need the existence of insurances that are feeding of the fear for a possible theft.

Lets rob humanity of fear and we then can finally dedicate our life’s to life instead of following a mind reflection stored in our waters.

Join and check out: http://equalmoney.org

The voice in my head 29/03/2011

The voice in my head is the one thing I lived with my whole live, we haven’t been separated for one day. I’m familiar with it, I trusted it for many, many years. It was the voice that made me chuckle and the voice that called me stupid or a coward. It didn’t shame itself to lash out on people, while I was holding my head still and rolling with my eyes to see if anybody heard the nasty, evil talk inside me. I identified with this voice like it was me, how could it be someone else, it was inside my head.

When looking back at all the years that I presumed this voice, my thoughts, were real. It’s peculiar to believe such a voice is real. I’ve had many occasions where my thoughts voiced by my voice in the head, were plain abusive. Self-destructive thoughts that were telling me what a low life I was, and I figured it was me talking to me. Why would I do that to myself and why would al humanity do that to themselves? Maybe the simple explanation is, that we’re all lunatics.

These thoughts in my head are made of energy generated by my own system called, mind consciousness. This is quite a subtle invention of my creator, the brown star in the sky. There are shows on television where people get an earplug in their ear to be connected with the show makers and they tell this candidate what to say. Just like the voice in our head, it’s also outside our true self,  yet part of our mind conscious system. So believing the voice as if it’s you is accepting and allowing this voice to verbally rape you while you’re not complaining since you agreed upon it’s existence and there were no witnesses to testify against it.

So I’m in a process now to no longer participate within these thoughts as energies, which is cool and doable one moment and almost impossible the next moment. You see this system knows my soft spots, since we grew up together. The system it’s goal is to accumulate more energy so it tries to trick me into all kind of thoughts that generates more emotions/feelings. By slowing myself down and reflecting upon myself within common sense I can trace back the thought and it’s origin. When I do not pay any attention and move on automated pilot, as in not being here in the physical but inside my mind, all goes fast and I’m likely to go along in this energy game of my mind.

Currently I’ve been quite satisfied with my progression and I’m having less thoughts inside my mind. These thoughts are also called the back chat, because it’s your system talking back at you. Or it’s talking evil stuff behind others their backs. Within observing this back chat closer I noticed that I didn’t have so much evil lashing out on others anymore. Then when looking even closer I noticed that my system was just tricking me into another energy game.

Yesterday I heard the screaming voice of a child on the street while hanging out of the window. It almost felt like there was coming in my mind a nasty comment about the kid, but I stopped it. Then my mind kicked in, my voice inside asked me if I could remember how I always reacted when I heard that child scream, if I remembered the comments I used to make. And then the voice comforted me and praised me for being such a good person who didn’t do this nasty back chat anymore. WTF I ended up at the same point as I started. Now I wasn’t having this back chat anymore, but instead the voice started reflecting upon my good deed and generated energy anyways. This is one fucking subtle system that shouldn’t be taken lightly. It always wants to have it his way, this voice is like a whining child in my head and I need to re-educate it.

Asking 07/03/2011

Asking is a skill we all learn as soon as we can speak. As toddlers we understand that things will arrive at will when we ask for the subject. Milk, cookies, toys even kisses. At a certain point we get even pretty good at asking and fathom the art of manipulation within asking. The moment we ask, adults immediately act on it. Great, you are king within your own world.

When we get bigger and become a kid our parents and teachers tell us that it’s inappropriate to start asking for things when we want to. We have to wait in turn and when we keep asking for the same thing simply because our question hasn’t been rewarded we will be punished or called a by nag. So it’s make or brake, or we fine tune our manipulative skills or not asking for much.

Later in school rules are changed. The students who ask “intelligent” questions are rewarded and praised and those that are asking the same thing over and over again are seen as stupid. Those who do not ask are simply not noticed.

I was one of those unnoticed, because I hardly asked. I didn’t ask, because I didn’t want to be seen as a by nag or as stupid. So I developed an attitude of being proud of myself for figuring it all out by myself. Till the extent that asking felt like being incapable not up for the task, a failure. I have been in this mode till adulthood and feeling quite independent for dealing with my own affairs.

When starting with the Desteni material almost 3 years ago I understood that every form of communication I have with others equals asking them for something. So in a way I hadn’t stopped asking, I had been fine tuning my manipulative skills. I could see how I was wrapping up my questions and wants within my communications. Even within my relationship I preferred saying: “Honey, I’m quite busy cooking and I aslo have to get the laundry inside, please help me remembering.” On which my partner P. of course responded with: “Oh, do you want me to get the laundry inside?” And I would respond with: “Well if you don’t mind, it would be great if you do that”.

I still find myself within such communications, but correct myself and communicate in a clear way. Or in other words I would ask for instance P. if he wants to do something for me.

At a later point when I started with SRA, I again didn’t ask all the questions I could ask. Then I found out that wanting to do things all by myself and not asking is an act of egoism. Wow that hit home. It didn’t fit in with the picture I had of myself, me egoistic, no! Though after considering it again I could clearly see that it was indeed an act of egoism. I wasn’t considering myself equal to others. I was going back and forth with this polarisation of feeling less and feeling more. Not asking made me feel more, having the opportunity to ask made me insecure. All that I could ask from others, was something I could also figure out myself, I had the tools. It even irritated me as people asked about things that was already provided for. As every irritation it was merely an reflection of me being irritated with the fact that I could ask things, but just wasn’t able.

I’m again confronted with the fact that I may ask whatever I want to ask within my process and I close down completely. I got irritated by myself, I feel locked in and not able to reach out to others in order to reach out to myself. Maybe this is a nice point to ask, although my mind wants me to believe that I first have to investigate this point for myself before asking. No, no that’s a fuck up too, I’ve been there. Asking about something I already worked through is asking for validation. Then asking becomes asking for the sake of asking. Now looking at it closer I can see that not wanting to ask is of the same energy as validation. Okay lets dig.

I muscle communicated a phrase from a book to see what lies underneath this asking and asking for validation. “Okay, because I do not believe that what I ask for I really will receive. My life is a living example of it. In fact I rarely get what I ask for. If it happens, I’m intensely happy.” Wow, now I see it I fear to be disappointed within asking. Memories of not receiving what I asked for are this heavy burden on my shoulders that makes it almost impossible, incapable to ask. I have to stop this, breathe and slow down. I have to be in the moment and experience every moment every question I ask as a new experience and then I will not be disappointed, then it is what it is without any definition from the past attached to it. Okay this is workable and doable, I’m not saying that I will get it right from now on. At least I brought it to my attention now I can apply it and correct myself whenever necessary.

Now I will quote myself: “Maybe this is a nice point to ask, although my mind wants me to believe that I first have to investigate this point for myself before asking”. And what did I do just now… I investigated it myself. So I know now why, but it was an act of egoism. Time to really slow down and see what it is that I need to ask without doing the smoke curtain trick. So lets start.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask questions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask questions without manipulating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud on figuring things out by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel a failure when having to ask things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel independent when not asking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulative within my communication towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be egoistic by not asking and wanting to do it alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not egoistic within my not asking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not equal to all the others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarisation of more and less within asking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel irritated by others while they ask obvious questions, instead of seeing that it was me who was irritated about me not asking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure when having to ask something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel locked in myself and not being able to reach out to others and therefore myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that I have to find things out myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that asking something I already figured out is asking for the sake of asking and that in itself is asking for validation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking out of the opinion that asking is never about receiving what I asked for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be egoistic and at all costs investigate instead of asking first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry past memories as a burden within asking in the present.

Sweet memories 13/02/2011

This week I watched a You Tube video of a wedding that took place here in our village last June. An American couple decided to get married in Italy and it all took place at the county house of my American friends J.&A.. A. and the bride were old classmates and the fact that her husband to be will be a pilot instructor here in Italy made them choose for our village to get married. Since I work at this country house as a cleaning lady and waitress I was pretty much part of a full week of wedding matters.

I watched this video with the expectation of looking back on this week in June. I recognized the setting, the people and the events, but it didn’t look like what had actually taken place and what I had captured within my mind. The images I saw were almost like in a fantasy world. It was the perfect advertisement for more weddings at my friends place, which isn’t that bad at all, but it makes you wonder about one’s memories. When I had seen this video without having been there, it would have looked like the perfect wedding. To me, with all my knowledge, emotions and feelings about the situation, the video looked like an altered reality. Old furniture like chairs for instance on camera look romantic and nostalgic, in real life you’ll fear, due to Murphy’s law, ending up on the floor like a peanut butter sandwich.

When I started to investigate my memories at a certain point within my Structural Resonance Alignment Training, I started doubting them. In fact it made me nervous, all these precious memories I was holding onto already for so many years, these memories that made me who I thought I was. My foundation started shaking, by all these flashes of the past. The doubt kicked in at the point where I had to unravel and explore the feelings, emotions and thoughts of the secret mind within it. I really feared making things up or adding things to the “real” reality. I started separating myself from these memories, I was puzzled, was I the memory as in the images within my mind or was I the feelings, emotions and thoughts that made this all up?

Looking back at my own wedding and the pictures that were taken that day, the pictures did represent what actually happend that day. Due to the famous Dutch wind my hair was constantly blown in my face, a goat almost ate my bridal bouquet and a pigeon pooped on my wedding dress. Not excitingly romantic, but reality and my memories agreed. Whenever an outsider would watch these pictures and would see us in the church kneeling in front of the parson, this person could imagine us being deeply religious. In reality we were no longer involved within any church, but we found an old parson of my old church willing to perform the ceremony. I choose for a religious wedding mainly to please the family and have the picture of a perfect wedding within my head fulfilled. So what is reality here?

Back to my SRA training to the point where I kind of feared to loose myself within these memories and asking myself for answers about authenticity and truth. I realised myself that it is not at all the point to search for the extreme and utter truth and it is not about separating myself from the memories I doubted at this point. It is all about the emotions, feelings and thoughts that were linked on to it. When I see the picture in my mind of me with my hair all in front of my face, it doesn’t matter if it really took place in this exact way. It is about me feeling less beautiful than others who had perfect wedding pictures, feeling less for not having the money to pay for a photographer and a stylist who would have taken care of the hair in the face etc. etc. From this one point the emotions, feelings and thoughts were accumulating and interconnecting to other memories  and forming this immense web. The same with the goat, looking at goats does trigger something positive or negative within me. Also the poop on my wedding dress led back to a memory of my dad who was pooped on his bald head when I was a child, he felt humiliated and we kids had fun. So it’s not so much if things really took place exactly in that order or that way, it’s about what you created within that moment  within your mind that determine your future.

The moment you start realising this, you are not instantly capable to stop your creative powers. Becoming aware was my first step and seeing where memories were triggered and creating more of the same. Realising that memories were not adding anything and didn’t make me a better human. Memories took me mostly by surprise and dragged me back into old patterns that had already been proven ineffective, but due to not taking any responsibility from my part they still existed and the loop wasn’t broken. Now when a memory pops up I trace the origin as far back as possible within that moment and break the loop by doing self forgiveness. This self forgiveness makes you aware of your thoughts and actions and which enables you to apply corrections within your daily life. Only then we can make a solid change within this world.

Mourning 19/01/2011

Yesterday evening I had a slight feeling of oppression,  pain and energy movement in my chest. When I was ready to write my blog it was already late and I decided not to investigate this feeling due to lack of time. I see that this was an excuse and a justification for not wanting to go to bed really late. This afternoon when I was doing groceries these feelings of yesterday evening returned in quite a heavy form. Through breathing I had stopped it yesterday evening, since I didn’t deal with it the feelings came back and were more urgent. I had really trouble breathing and around my nose I felt this tingling, not dealing with it now could mean a hyperventilation attack. I didn’t fear the possibility of the attack, but I was driving the car and I didn’t want to let it escalate that far.

Yesterday I already connected the pain in my chest to the family construct. We just had this episode with my in-laws, maybe I was overlooking some energy thread’s  that still had to be adressed? Then I started looking into my own family construct. I had felt fear when my brother-in-law started contacting my parents, talking about our new faith and a €1200 course. My relationship with my parents is good and I feared him destroying this relationship. Which is kind of unrealistic since my parents know me already my whole life and have been loyal to me through al kinds of events. So I fear that this relationship will end?

Why do I fear this ending? I feel sad, till now I’ve been able to share anything with my parents and we’ve always been supportive to each other, but Desteni related issues I can’t share. When I shaved my head I did send them an e-mail in which I explained why I had done this. The points were more or less clear to them, but not really worth making a big fuss about. The only point that made their system go on tilt was my statement of how long I would be bold, I told them until it is done. They couldn’t connect a date or year to that so they figured may be forever. I felt as if I lost a part of myself. Last summer we did connect again when they were here and they made even pictures of me and my bold head, I didn’t see any form of shame. They were as unconditional and supportive as always. The only difference was that the reason for me being bold was never spoken of again. I tried but there was no immediate interest, so I stopped.

I felt separated from them and myself, I wasn’t whole anymore. I always shared myself, completely myself and now I only share a part of me. This means that I see them as more special, because when somebody doesn’t understand where I stand within my process, I stop pushing this person. That’s what I’ve been doing I haven’t been talking about process and politics anymore to my parents, if they have questions I will gladly answer them. Till then I can only be a living example to them and all the other beings within my reality. I had made peace with this, but underneath it all I kept hanging onto this feeling of longing. I still longed for this relationship in which we could talk about everything and therefore support each other with everything. Through the longing I kept myself in the past and started having feelings of mourning. Mourning for the part that I lost and still longed for. I have to cut myself loose from the past and start living in the present with my parents, no longer holding on to pictures and memories that once were. The sadness that I feel is the sadness for all those people who are resisting the message so much, the message of self-honesty and equality.

What has been bothering me yesterday and today are feelings, emotions, thoughts and fears. All products of the mind and not of our physical reality and therefore not real. When I strip this event from all that isn’t real, I’m left with 3 people who are at different stages in their process and therefore do not connect on this point. There is no reason for separation, we still live in the same physical reality and there are many points on which I can show them that a human being can improve herself in the best interest of all. Putting it this way without emotions and feelings it is just not that heavy as I felt it before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about the oppression and chest pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses and justifications for not wanting to work on the family construct point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my brother-in-law will destroy my relationship with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my relationship with my parents will end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad about not being able to completely share myself with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel losing a part of myself after shaving my head and my parents misunderstanding me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel whole again separated from my parents for not being able to share myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my parents as more special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for a relationship that isn’t there anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mourn for a relationship that isn’t there anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself in the past through the longing and memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for those that aren’t active in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view my world through emotions and feelings.

Pain in my upper neck, left side 29/12/2010

I’ve been struggling with sexuality lately and also experiencing pain in my upper neck, left side. First I blamed it on my headphone, this one is bigger than the ear plugs I had before. Every time as I was working on my writings or SRA I experienced this pain. Although I didn’t see much common sense in the explanation of the head phones, I left the point for what it was. Till tonight, I reacted on the pain with irritation. This pain gave me the experience of my head that became heavier and heavier and almost impossible to carry. The pain tired me and I decided to look it up in Veno’s Structural Resonance works. Not really a surprise to see what it stands for: the sex system. While looking this up my left jaw became painful as well. I also looked up what this jaw pain was representing; the courage to speak up. So that’s basically what I have here in this moment to work with, let’s see where to start from here.

By suppressing my sexuality I’ve been suppressing my sex system. Yesterday and the day before I worked through a part of my shame of my sexuality/fantasies/thoughts. I realise that these fantasies and thoughts are not me, but my pre-programming. There is no need to have emotions about my pre-programming/my ego, that’s only feeding the beast. After entering the process of letting go of this shame I started to experience arousal again. Certain movements or body postures re-activated my sexual system. As much as the shame isn’t me the arousal isn’t either. Suppressing as I experienced it, is not the answer to not participating in these emotions/feelings /thoughts. The answer might be to not suppress or participate within this sexual arousal, but instead diffusing it to a neutral point. In that case it won’t be something special or something to be ashamed of. In fact not participating is recognizing what is here in the moment and seeing it for what it is, nothing more and nothing less. Okay that’s clear, that makes sense.

Then there is the jaw pain which represents the courage to speak up. I muscle communicated that point and I came out on speaking up for my body, to keep my physical healthy. In order to do that I cannot participate within emotions/feelings/thoughts, those have each of them always physical outflows/consequences. Sex or better said arousal/lust that makes me desire sex, is the outflow of wasted energy that wants to be unloaded/released. Once that’s been build up and held within my system it will follow it’s way to another outlet and that’s not a desirable situation. Therefore I need to recognize and accept my physical body since it’s the only real thing here in my existence that’s keeping me here in the physical. It’s only one life and one body to do what needs to be done.

I can see that these pains have assisted me to search a bit deeper and in another direction to see what I’ve been participating in. Now I can forgive myself and apply the corrections accordingly within my day to day life.

While I’m searching for a picture  to add to this blog I came across a picture of a pillow. Suddenly I remembered that I knew this pain in my upper neck. I’ve had it for several years as a matter a fact when this sexuality problem was current. I needed a new pillow, because the old one had to be replaced. It was an almost impossible search for the right pillow. I bought several pillows, but the pain kept returning. getting up with a upper neck pain isn’t fun. Though for so many years my body was communicating with me and I didn’t speak the same language…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my headphones for the pain I experienced in my upper neck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on the pain in my upper neck part with irritation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the pain tired me instead of taking responsibility and direct myself in the moment when I first experienced the pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my sexuality and therefore my sex system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel arousal and for a moment see it as myself instead of seeing it as a feeling of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts/memories around certain movements and body postures that caused arousal within my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my body as important enough to recognize and accept it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hear my body communicating with me.

Freedom 05/12/2010

Yesterday I wrote about my diet and why I’m doing it in a radical way. Since I found out that I feel myself worthless due to DNA in-heritage, I see all that I do in such a different light. If someone a few years ago had said to me; “Sylvia I experience you as a person who experiences herself as worthless”, I probably would have become quite mad. In other words my ego would have reacted quite strong. Now I can see in self honesty that this feeling of worthlessness sneaks up like a snake and needs to be handled accordingly.

I’m doing the diet as thoroughly as possible within my set points, because I can clearly see that I need to do this for myself. It’s a form of responsibility towards myself, which I’m willing to take at this point in life. Every food type, that’s giving me physical problems, is telling me the story about me, is giving me the tools to release myself from these points and enables me to move on. I’m really grateful for this.

When I started SRA in Januari this year I tested and discovered a lot of things and I became aware of my self-sabotaging thoughts that I had. I did quite a lot of Self-forgiveness on it and it disappeared. Now I can see that these thoughts were just the tip of the iceberg. This feeling of worthlessness expresses itself in so many actions I do or not do. I will take them on one by one, till it’s done. I do not even feel overwhelmed by it as normally. I just know I have to do this period.

My body is reacting extremely and direct when I do not stand within myself, It’s quite heavy but I do not feel it as heavy in the sense of heavy weight on my shoulders. I am finally communicating with myself and that’s something I cherish, it’s the key to my freedom.

The story of the cyst on my head 23/11/2010

Today I’ve opened up the point of my cysts, I started with the last visible cyst I created, the one on my head. Through muscle communication I searched for the meaning of this system I created within my system. To get started I tested for a feeling: worship ability. It’s a strange word to me, I understand what it means, but how to place this within my bigger picture? I googled the two words and came up with all religious stories about the joy of having the ability to worship. I was searching within myself for connections or words to which I could relate.

A couple of days ago I wrote about my energy addiction of singing and being in a place where lots of people are singing religious songs. The word religious connected with the words “worship ability”. I kept on asking specific questions through muscle communication. Has it to do with the period that I was actively involved within the Baptist community, yes. Has it to do with my ability to worship within the Baptist community, yes. Has it to do with me not being able to worship, because I didn’t believed in the message, yes. Has it to do with being dishonest towards the Baptist community, yes. Has it to do with not being honest towards myself about my reasons for being within this Baptist community, yes. Has this cyst manifestation taken 13 years to grow on my head into this visible bump and is it the physical manifestation of my dishonesty, yes. So I asked if this was the core point and if I needed to consider also other points and the answer was yes.

I went further with the testing and tested out two sentences in a book. ” No. If you have to ask, than you know you’re not one of them”. This is the point of wanting to belong to a group and not specific this Baptist community, but groups in general. I always have seen myself as someone that didn’t need a group to belong to. I see now that such behavior is one of identity. Not wanting to belong to any group was my identity, of being independent and not needing anyone. In fact the reality was the opposite of my identity. I longed to belong to a group and be in a group, but refused to be in one. I tested if it was the fear for facing myself within a group and be totally me in self honesty without all the layers and facades that I grown so attached to, yes. So I basically fear that within a group I have to be totally me and I do not know if I can cope with myself within a group and no back doors to escape when it gets though? YES. Okay, what fears do I fear than? Not being able to sulk or have ill humor within a group, that would mess up my image of being a nice and good person. The fear to be grouchy, meaning complaining. It’s more or less the same as sulking, because it both messes up my image. Wow how pathetic can it be, I’m fearing emotions, who are of the mind and therefore not real, to mess up my image. This image that’s also of the mind and not real. These fears have stopped me from participating within a group for so many years. While in fact I was longing to belong to a group, here I can see how I participated within a polarity.

What is this longing to belong to a group? I muscle communicated the word lovey-dovey, which means amorously affectionate. It’s this romantic feeling of belonging and in my case the belonging to a group. Some sort of a love-hate relation, longing for a group and at the same time resisting it. To be honest I did noticed/feel these polarity driven energies when it came to groups, but I couldn’t place it. Okay and where does the Desteni group come in? I tested for the feeling “noticeable” and I can see how that fits in. I’ve had a period wherein I felt almost invisible within the Desteni group although I was participating. Not being noticed, until recently that I realised that I was screaming without being noticed/seen. I wasn’t screaming to the outside world as I thought I was screaming towards myself and not noticing myself. I was not standing up within me, therefore I couldn’t stand up as all as one as equal.

There is also a connection between my article of yesterday called “water boarding”. The outflow of that was me  recording myself today and I made a video with the title “a message to all world leaders” to emphasize the fact that I’m willing to stand up for myself and for the rest of the world.

One little bump on my head that took 13 years to manifest is able to tell me all this information, wow isn’t it amazing? I even like to explore myself with the tools that are provided within the SRAT(Structural Resonant Alignment Training) and to learn, forgive and correct myself without fearing the outcome on forehand.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not being able to worship God within the Baptist community, while knowing this and not leaving the community I used them for my energy shot.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself by being dishonest towards the community.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest about my motives for joining the Baptist group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let this cyst grow slowly for 13 years inside my body without preventing it from growing by taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to belong to a group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in my identity that said: Sylvia doesn’t need to be in a group. While at the ame time longing for a group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that I was independent and didn’t need the help of others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself within a group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go of all the layers I grown attached to.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my identity and therefore fear to lose myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ned back doors to be able to cope with myself while being in a group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to mess up my image by sulking, having ill humor and being grouchy, instead of knowing that this is all of the mind and therefore not real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of love and hate when it comes to groups.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself for so many years to not join groups out of the fear of not being able to dace myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to belief I couldn’t face myself unconditionally within a group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel not being noticed within the Desteni group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel not being noticed by others while in fact it was me who didn’t noticed myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand up within myself as all, as one as equal.