Sylvia's writing to freedom

Why do we want to miss out on reality? 20/02/2011

While taking the steep path up on the mountain this afternoon and looking out over the village that’s kind of hidden within the valley, I witnessed the first wild forest flowers produced by nature. Most of these flowers are green or yellowish green and a really careful attempt of nature to show us that after the cold winter, that we’re still in, there will be Spring and life will burst open in full expression. It’s my anchor in life, the four seasons, some I love and some I don’t want to face. It’s all about the weather, the weather is my starting point for  favoring a specific season or not. The weather is also a quite realistic force within our life, we can die from heat and dehydration or either freeze to death without a roof above our head.

The weather is probably one of the most discussed topics in life. Some people have made their profession out of it and all the other people have opinions about it. It comes down to one point, they are all guessing. Our weather men and women are interpreting calculated models by computers, other people use the tradition of the condition of a half sliced onion lying in the window and most people dig in their memory and compare weather conditions throughout their life to this years weather.

Memories are subjective and based on your emotions and feelings of that moment when you experienced this specific weather condition. Comparing those memories with your presence isn’t very reliable. Back in the 1980, while being a kid in the Netherlands, we had a lot of snow one year. My dad wasn’t able to leave home to go to work by car. According to my memory it must have been at least a meter snow, but was it really? That’s a lot of snow for the Netherlands and I was not yet really that tall as a kid, so from my perspective within my memory, lets say 30 to 40 centimeter of snow could have been experienced by me as a meter snow. That same winter we had quite some ice freezing on the streets and I went to school on my ice skates. The question is, was my whole village covered in ice or only a few cold places, I really don’t know.

The point is, while we do all the weather comparing whether it’s the computer models or the memories, we miss out on real life. We are so consumed with what was or could be that we actually miss all the clues and signs of what for instance nature is giving us. Just like the first forest flowers or a certain wind that starts blowing, the physical is full proof  of what is here. You see, life isn’t that complicated I found out, if we only were willing to see this. It’s us that make life complicated, due to the fact that we do not want to face ourselves. We build a whole circus around fears that we don’t want to face and lose track of the simplicity of what it really is that we have to face.

We are real masters in covering up to not face ourselves, but covering up means it’s still here and we just do not see it right now. Then when it blows up in our face we try to deny it at first, we’ve got great tools for that called: justifications, excuses, blaming and opinions. If that’s still not going to do the trick we can always become the victim of it all, and use the tools again to bring others or circumstances in a negative light and make us the positive winner. Then we can be happy, we did our best and created the outcome we desired. Still we didn’t face ourselves and we create a monster inside ourselves. Our own physical body will turn against us with this monster inside, because the physical is full prove of what is here. We become sick and sicker, still not facing ourselves and asking why we have to be sick and why not another. Till the moment that our doctor says we haven’t got long to live anymore and society will abandon us. The few people who dare to face us will visit us and talk about the weather just to not face themselves and not to face you the equivalent of their own fear: dead.

If you want to face yourself go to:


A walk along the river 17/02/2011

I walked behind 3 teenagers while my partner P. and I were walking our after lunch walk. They came out of the bus, coming home from school and heading towards home. While walking along the river these teenagers were eating some snacks and when they were finished one of them made a wad out of the paper of the snack and before I knew it she threw the wad into the river. I was amazed about all the memories, opinions, emotions and feelings that came through.

First of all I didn’t belief what I just had seen, did she throw the wad in the water or didn’t she. I asked P. if I saw her do this and he confirmed and said: “Yes, she threw it in.” I always get mad when people throw things in nature when there is absolute no reason at all for doing so. Along the river there are waste baskets and such a paper wad one can also hold in one’s hand till one is home. Then P. said: “Well it’s just their upbringing, they probably never learned to not throw waste in nature.” and directly after that he said: “But I’m just justifying why they should throw the wad into the river.” And that is the whole point they haven’t learned how to act around refuse/garbage and they never figured it out by themselves. So pure inherited ignorance.

After I was sure that she had thrown away the wad I asked myself if I should confront her with it. Directly I answered myself not to. Was I afraid to stand and confront these teenagers? No not really, I have done that in the past and the results are zero. When I confront another with a point of which they are not aware of within their current life, they will look at me as if I’m going to attack them. That’s what I experienced before, I frighten another system that acts upon this fear with protecting itself. So when you do this with a group of teenagers they intensify themselves as a group and will react in spitefulness or in another agressive way.

So I considered that confronting them wasn’t the way to approach this issue, they wouldn’t understand my point and in their mind they would form this negative connotation whenever the memory of throwing away a paper wad would come up. Well this is kind of a weak excuse of me, because I cannot take responsibility for another persons reactions. At the same time as making this weak excuse I felt weak for not really doing anything and letting my mind do overtime. Although it may have felt that I didn’t stand and I didn’t act, it’s simply a feeling. When I look at it in common sense I can see that on a bigger scale confronting them would have made no positive change, meaning a change in the best interest of all.

The issue is as I said before the upbringing and the awareness within society that is lacking. My kids have twice done a great village cleaning action with their school. Going around the village with a garbage bag and pick up street refuse. For kids in the age of 8 till 10 being all morning outside and not having school is always fun, for whatever reason it may be. So do they learn a lesson with cleaning the village? NO. The problem with these seemingly little tasks of responsibility is that when you do not keep repeating them at school and at home it will never become automated. If it needs to be based on awareness the world will, before the awareness appears, be covered in paper wads.

I’m from a generation that did throw away their stuff in the bins out of fear for adults that certainly were going to say something about it. Now we are the parents and adults and we do not like to confront another with this responsibility as we didn’t liked it ourselves when our parents frightened us for not throwing stuff in the bin. And there we go, a whole generation that’s reaping the fruits of our fears that our parents brought onto us. A nice way of making a circle round.

We are all living in this eco-no-my and we should be able to hold each other and ourselves accountable for these irresponsible actions, without being seen as mean or getting threatened mean. If we cannot get the small things right how on earth will we make a change in this world? So we need, as so many things, solve this at the root of the problem and that’s education. We acquire a lot of knowledge that we probably never use in our lives yet we are ignorant if it comes to polluting our planet. If we do it as kids on a small scale we will do it as adults on a larger scale. I mean what are empty car batteries and fridges doing in the forests? Certainly not to serve a cold beer to the goblins and elf’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my observation, of seeing the paper wrap being thrown into the river, for no reason other then hiding myself behind the fact that I didn’t see it happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel mad when someone else throws garbage into nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel mad at another for throwing away garbage while I work hard to do my waste separation without getting any recognition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel mad for not getting any recognition while separating my waste.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confronting these teenagers for the spitefulness or aggressiveness they might demonstrate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have opinions about the behavior of teenagers when confronted by a stranger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act upon memories and past experiences and use that as a blueprint for my actions in the presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself behind the fact that their reactions on my confrontation towards them will “damage” them permanently and give them a bad experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not acting when these teens were polluting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the feeling of not doing anything in consideration, while it’s nothing more then an energy and not real here within the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents when I would throw paper or refuse on the streets or in nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not confront my generation for being weak in their children’s education when it comes to polluting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to educate my children to not pollute the planet with the staring point of fear for my parents as a child myself.


50 Ways to leave your vlogging 09/02/2011

Lately I had quite some excuses and justifications for not vlogging more regularly. My writings are consistently and it would be cool if my vlogging is in the same line with my blogging. This song of “50 ways to leave your lover” popped up into my mind. Some days I do have have 50 ways or excuses, but tonight I’ll keep it to my top 10 of most frequently used excuses or justifications.

To check the title of the song I came across the lyrics and it showed me even more what a bullshit I had been producing.

The problem is all inside your head 

She said to me

The answer is easy if you

Take it logically

I’d like to help you in your struggle

To be free

There must be fifty ways

To leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack

Make a new plan, Stan

You don’t need to be coy, Roy

Just get yourself free

Hop on the bus, Gus

You don’t need to discuss much

Just drop off the key, Lee

And get yourself free

The problem is all inside my mind 

I said to myself

the answer is easy if I

take common sense

with the equality equation I end my struggle

to set myself free

there may not be 50 ways

to leave my vlogging

Just slip out of the back door, for more

Make a new excuse, juice

You don’t need to fear, dear

Just set yourself free

Hop through your mind, kind

You don’t need to think much

Just drop of free will, Syl

And set yourself free

1. I’ve got nothing of importance to share on camera with the rest of the world.

Bullshit, sharing myself and sharing my process is always of importance for myself and others. Within the vlogging I can practise the living words and see where I have points to work on.

2. My English isn’t sufficient enough to express myself in a way that I can reach out and make a difference.

Bullshit, till so far nobody asked for subtitling, so what has changed? My opinion within my mind towards vlogging has changed. Opinions and non consistant thoughts are not real so this one can be disregarded. Everybody can make a difference when common sense, self-honesty and acting in the best interest of all is applied. There is no need to make “making a difference” into fine art, there is no room for specialness within ones and equality.

3. My computer and tools are old and not efficient enough to make video’s in a modern up to date way.

Bullshit, even with old materials I can get the message across. It’s the message that counts and not the fancy outside.

4. I know what to talk about when I’m not able to record.

Bullshit, I can take notes and tape it later. There is no need for emotions and feelings of being in the mood and being energetic charged to record a video. I proofed that already many times to myself so why do I not learn from my experiences? Simply because I search for a reason to not vlog.

5. Within my mind the spoken words were more effective.

Bullshit, I know that I’m the king within my own mind and that I always will disappoint myself within reality when I compare those two with each other.

6. There is always someone around which enables me to record a video.

Bullshit, there are always occasions enough to record while nobody is in the room. It’s more the shame of not wanting to record with others in my presence. I feel judged when they see me possibly stumble. These thoughts and fears are not the reality and just another excuse to not record when someone else is in the room. It’s not the judging of others it’s me judging myself and fearing myself within vlogging and what may come up.

7. I want validation through vlogging and at the same time I don’t want validation on myself.

Bullshit, trying to get self validation through others or through the things I do is simply not facing myself. This not facing myself reflects in the fact that I’m at the same time don’t want any validation/judging. It’s because I see it as judging that it turns into negative and something ugly. So no need for that, it’s all in the mind and therefore not real. I vlog for myself to get insides within myself and that’s the main reason for doing so, helping each other by sharing our individual processes is also an important reason to not overlook.

8. I know about what and how to vlog, I simply can not push myself to do it regularly.

Bullshit, I can push myself to anything as long as I’m self-honest with myself. Excuses are dishonest and not facing myself.

9. When the consistency is out of my vlogging I build up a new resistance for it.

Bullshit, if I really belief this opinion of mine I rather would not let it come to this point where the consistency goes out of my vlogging. I simply do not belief this and see it as another excuse to not face myself and to put things on camera.

10. When I focus myself on other Desteni related things I can be effective too, for the best interest of all.

Bullshit, I can always do more or other Desteni related stuff, but it cannot take away the point of vlogging. I need to simply face it and push myself through it. So I made a short vlog today to have a start.


I want to live and not wander about like a zombie. 20/11/2010

Today I made a vlog about still having a hoarse voice, still coughing and being fed up with it. It comes all down on the fear to expand myself and within that the fear to fail within this expanding. If I don’t expand, I will never find out if I failed. I have to move forward to apply new realisations and to correct myself within the physical. I do apply and correct myself, but first I will resist.


I didn’t light the stove this morning, I had searched for the light cubes to initiate the fire, but couldn’t find them. When an hour later my partner P. came home, he was surprised I hadn’t fired up the fire. I said: “I couldn’t find the cubes”. P. said: “The cubes are next to the stove”. I realised I hadn’t searched next to the stove. When I saw where the cubes were I was surprised I hadn’t seen them before. I asked myself how it could be that I didn’t feel the need to light the fire, knowing myself as a chilly person. I was afraid to fuck up, always when I light the fire P. is complaining about my pyromanic skills. Or it’s too much wood, too little wood, not enough heat yet, not well stapled wood etcetera. I’m taking this personal and therefore I’m not learning from it and I’m incapable to expand myself when it comes to lighting a fire.


Or I resist going to the gasstation to fill up the car with gas. Up front I fear failing. Failing to fill in the special papers for tax deduction. Of course I than manifest the fear and the form is filled in all wrong and confirming my fear. I pushed through this one and saw that I was boycotting daily life when refusing to fill up the gastank while being a few hundred meters away from the gasstation. When I strip this fear and look at the story again it’s almost hilarious to see how much I limit myself within ordinary matters. The fear of expanding, the fear of failure and the fear of losing control are directing me with my permission.


There is so much that I’ve feared and still so much to fear and all covered up by excuses, justifications and blaming others or situations. When I do get over them I’m nickering about it. Most of us will not call it fear, but once one can look in self honesty towards oneself one can spot fear from a distance.


Tonight I committed myself to commenting on FB. Effective, common sensical commenting on the issues others present to me. I did that before, when commenting on people, who are still within a spiritual phase. This caused a lot of friction and I labeled it as an ineffective way of communicating. My starting point was still one of reacting, tonight my starting point was one of understanding what was presented to me and stripping it down to the facts. Thereafter I commented in common sense on the facts that were presented to me to create awareness about the mechanisms that are behind our human behavior. I also committed to take responsibility for the words I write and speak, so here the fear for failure kicked in. A while after I had commented I was feeling oppressed as if my body was restricting and limiting my breathing and was saying, directed by my mind, no expansion here. I stopped and applied the four count breathing. I told myself that all reactions of others on my words are not something I can direct and take responsibility for, If I wrote my comments in self honesty to be effective in making a change/difference than that’s all to consider for me.


Expanding is living, I don’t want to be dead before I die. I will face all my fears one at a time and will probably have a good laugh about it when this is all over, dead or alive.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist new realisations before applying and correcting myself.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not want to see the light cubes to light the stove, while it was obvious where they were. I had seen it there before, but totally blocked it while searching.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to block a practical memory about where to find the light cubes.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be afraid for failing in lighting up the fire.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and not experiment with lighting the fire, knowing that P. would come home and comment on it.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take P.’s comments personal, while all I have to work with are the facts that are here. The reactions of P. are his business. I can point it out but not take responsibility for.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear failure and losing control when it comes to expanding myself within this world.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to comment on other people their words from the starting point of reacting.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cause friction through the words I used, while using a dishonest starting point.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to the word dishonest and realising that this means I’m not only a nice person, there is also evil inside of me.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear for the words I’ve written while commenting in self-honesty, showing myself that my self value is still unstable.


I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel oppressed by fearing expanding.