While taking the steep path up on the mountain this afternoon and looking out over the village that’s kind of hidden within the valley, I witnessed the first wild forest flowers produced by nature. Most of these flowers are green or yellowish green and a really careful attempt of nature to show us that after the cold winter, that we’re still in, there will be Spring and life will burst open in full expression. It’s my anchor in life, the four seasons, some I love and some I don’t want to face. It’s all about the weather, the weather is my starting point for favoring a specific season or not. The weather is also a quite realistic force within our life, we can die from heat and dehydration or either freeze to death without a roof above our head.
The weather is probably one of the most discussed topics in life. Some people have made their profession out of it and all the other people have opinions about it. It comes down to one point, they are all guessing. Our weather men and women are interpreting calculated models by computers, other people use the tradition of the condition of a half sliced onion lying in the window and most people dig in their memory and compare weather conditions throughout their life to this years weather.
Memories are subjective and based on your emotions and feelings of that moment when you experienced this specific weather condition. Comparing those memories with your presence isn’t very reliable. Back in the 1980, while being a kid in the Netherlands, we had a lot of snow one year. My dad wasn’t able to leave home to go to work by car. According to my memory it must have been at least a meter snow, but was it really? That’s a lot of snow for the Netherlands and I was not yet really that tall as a kid, so from my perspective within my memory, lets say 30 to 40 centimeter of snow could have been experienced by me as a meter snow. That same winter we had quite some ice freezing on the streets and I went to school on my ice skates. The question is, was my whole village covered in ice or only a few cold places, I really don’t know.
The point is, while we do all the weather comparing whether it’s the computer models or the memories, we miss out on real life. We are so consumed with what was or could be that we actually miss all the clues and signs of what for instance nature is giving us. Just like the first forest flowers or a certain wind that starts blowing, the physical is full proof of what is here. You see, life isn’t that complicated I found out, if we only were willing to see this. It’s us that make life complicated, due to the fact that we do not want to face ourselves. We build a whole circus around fears that we don’t want to face and lose track of the simplicity of what it really is that we have to face.
We are real masters in covering up to not face ourselves, but covering up means it’s still here and we just do not see it right now. Then when it blows up in our face we try to deny it at first, we’ve got great tools for that called: justifications, excuses, blaming and opinions. If that’s still not going to do the trick we can always become the victim of it all, and use the tools again to bring others or circumstances in a negative light and make us the positive winner. Then we can be happy, we did our best and created the outcome we desired. Still we didn’t face ourselves and we create a monster inside ourselves. Our own physical body will turn against us with this monster inside, because the physical is full prove of what is here. We become sick and sicker, still not facing ourselves and asking why we have to be sick and why not another. Till the moment that our doctor says we haven’t got long to live anymore and society will abandon us. The few people who dare to face us will visit us and talk about the weather just to not face themselves and not to face you the equivalent of their own fear: dead.
If you want to face yourself go to: http://www.desteniiprocess.com
I want to live and not wander about like a zombie. 20/11/2010
Tags: blame, commenting, desteni, excuses, expanding, Facebook, failure, fear, fire, limitation, realisation, resistances, self forgiveness, self-honesty, vlog, zombie
Today I made a vlog about still having a hoarse voice, still coughing and being fed up with it. It comes all down on the fear to expand myself and within that the fear to fail within this expanding. If I don’t expand, I will never find out if I failed. I have to move forward to apply new realisations and to correct myself within the physical. I do apply and correct myself, but first I will resist.
I didn’t light the stove this morning, I had searched for the light cubes to initiate the fire, but couldn’t find them. When an hour later my partner P. came home, he was surprised I hadn’t fired up the fire. I said: “I couldn’t find the cubes”. P. said: “The cubes are next to the stove”. I realised I hadn’t searched next to the stove. When I saw where the cubes were I was surprised I hadn’t seen them before. I asked myself how it could be that I didn’t feel the need to light the fire, knowing myself as a chilly person. I was afraid to fuck up, always when I light the fire P. is complaining about my pyromanic skills. Or it’s too much wood, too little wood, not enough heat yet, not well stapled wood etcetera. I’m taking this personal and therefore I’m not learning from it and I’m incapable to expand myself when it comes to lighting a fire.
Or I resist going to the gasstation to fill up the car with gas. Up front I fear failing. Failing to fill in the special papers for tax deduction. Of course I than manifest the fear and the form is filled in all wrong and confirming my fear. I pushed through this one and saw that I was boycotting daily life when refusing to fill up the gastank while being a few hundred meters away from the gasstation. When I strip this fear and look at the story again it’s almost hilarious to see how much I limit myself within ordinary matters. The fear of expanding, the fear of failure and the fear of losing control are directing me with my permission.
There is so much that I’ve feared and still so much to fear and all covered up by excuses, justifications and blaming others or situations. When I do get over them I’m nickering about it. Most of us will not call it fear, but once one can look in self honesty towards oneself one can spot fear from a distance.
Tonight I committed myself to commenting on FB. Effective, common sensical commenting on the issues others present to me. I did that before, when commenting on people, who are still within a spiritual phase. This caused a lot of friction and I labeled it as an ineffective way of communicating. My starting point was still one of reacting, tonight my starting point was one of understanding what was presented to me and stripping it down to the facts. Thereafter I commented in common sense on the facts that were presented to me to create awareness about the mechanisms that are behind our human behavior. I also committed to take responsibility for the words I write and speak, so here the fear for failure kicked in. A while after I had commented I was feeling oppressed as if my body was restricting and limiting my breathing and was saying, directed by my mind, no expansion here. I stopped and applied the four count breathing. I told myself that all reactions of others on my words are not something I can direct and take responsibility for, If I wrote my comments in self honesty to be effective in making a change/difference than that’s all to consider for me.
Expanding is living, I don’t want to be dead before I die. I will face all my fears one at a time and will probably have a good laugh about it when this is all over, dead or alive.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist new realisations before applying and correcting myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not want to see the light cubes to light the stove, while it was obvious where they were. I had seen it there before, but totally blocked it while searching.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to block a practical memory about where to find the light cubes.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be afraid for failing in lighting up the fire.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and not experiment with lighting the fire, knowing that P. would come home and comment on it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take P.’s comments personal, while all I have to work with are the facts that are here. The reactions of P. are his business. I can point it out but not take responsibility for.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear failure and losing control when it comes to expanding myself within this world.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to comment on other people their words from the starting point of reacting.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cause friction through the words I used, while using a dishonest starting point.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to the word dishonest and realising that this means I’m not only a nice person, there is also evil inside of me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear for the words I’ve written while commenting in self-honesty, showing myself that my self value is still unstable.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel oppressed by fearing expanding.