Sylvia's writing to freedom

Headache 14/08/2011

After lunch my partner P. and I  went for a nice walk in the snow, we watched how our children were sledding from the hill and went for a short visit at Dutch friends of us who have a holiday home here in the village. When we got home I felt that I had a severe headache, like 2 painful circles around my eyes. Over the past months I’ve been experiencing quite some physical pain and physical discomfort, but a headache till so far wasn’t one of them.

The visit at I.&G. could be the cause of it. We were amongst other subjects talking about the education system. They both are teachers, I. is already many years out of the education system and G. is a teacher at a girls prison. I told them about our experiences with the teachers here in Italy and about the recent parent interviews. I felt how I went into this energy charge and how I was still holding on to anger towards the education system and the attitude of most teachers towards students. The 4 of us agreed upon the fact that the education system is a fuck up. So I said, doesn’t have everybody the right on qualitative high education? Than I. started to explain how difficult that is to achieve, but he only saw it from the perspective of our current world. I’d liked to discuss how the Equal Money System would end this disfunction of the system. From previous conversations I know that they are not ready to see/experience the world in common sense and where their responsibility lies. It’s a pity having to stop the conversation there, at the point on which we all agreed that the current education system is dysfunctional. Just one step further is seeing that the system wherein the education system functions is also dysfunctional and needs an entire make over. Than I. stated that he’s glad that he hasn’t got children in the ages of 10-14 anymore, he thinks he probably can’t cope with the fact that the system is so fucked up and that his kids were forced to function within it. In fact he was saying that he was glad to not be within that system anymore and no longer being frustrated and angry at it anymore. That’s separation and simply stating that whenever he doesn’t experience it, it isn’t there anymore or it just disappears. It won’t go away and the system in general is our creation, looking away one still allows and accepts it. I wanted to tell him this, but I didn’t. I did not know if he would understand my reaction or comment…

Then they told us about their new wine business, importing Italian wine and salami’s into Holland. Just before that P. told them that he had completely stopped with alcohol, but of course they couldn’t relate to it. Last Monday they gave P. a bottle of wine to thank him for pulling their car out of the snow on mount “Nerone”.  In that moment P. hadn’t told them yet that he didn’t drink alcohol anymore so they were a bit insecure about their gift now they found out.

We’ve always many points on which I would like to confront them with their own statements and tell them that it doesn’t all have to end with a feeling of being powerless or the urge to just not see/watch what’s going on in the world. We can stop this misery that we call life. But what is the use to act upon an urge to want to talk about Desteni related subjects with people whenever they aren’t ready for it at all. Being a living example would make already the difference and explaining how I see things when they ask me about it. Maybe I need to be less harsh on myself and not feel disappointed for not addressing these points as I would like them to address. I saw it as not standing up, but isn’t it just common sense to know where to push things within a conversation and where to leave the point for the moment and only show to the other how I approach certain things in life?

I muscle tested if the headache was a point of being too harsh on myself and I tested out for yes. I was sure that it was about not standing so that’s one illusional opinion less.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this anger towards the education system wherein my kids have to function.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the teachers at my children’s school for being prejudiced.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the fact that teachers on my children’s school are not willing to see the students as individuals, but instead seeing them as students with predetermined qualities.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel angry about the fact that I. suggested to bribe the teachers in order to let my children pass.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react on the bribing idea with a feeling of that’s wrong, that’s not how the world should work.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be too harsh on myself to stand up within the conversation with I. & G.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the opinion of not standing up when a conversation doesn’t go as I would like it to go.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed for not addressing all points I see within others.


Russian scenes or simply taking an exam? 24/06/2011

I watched a video clip of Russia Today about Russia having the highest teen suicide rate in Europe. The video talked about increases of suicides around the late December and early June exams. Teens experience these periods as highly stressful and for some it is too much to take or to cope with on their own. Russian experts say that these emotional stress builds up over time and when parents are able to see what their kid is dealing with they rather be not confronted with it and want to continue life as normal. Russia is quite underdeveloped when it comes to psychological help and according to the video there is not much  to do about it in the current Russian society. Yearly 4000, mainly
girls, take their own life’s due to exam related emotional stress.

I myself have a teenage daughter that is going through her final Middle School exams, right now. I also, just as the Russian parents, saw that the stress was building up. Where my daughter A. had this attitude of “all is going to be fine”, during the school year, she now is aware that she can’t make a huge difference anymore. Just not fucking up the exams. She payed attention in the classroom during the years, wasn’t a big fan of doing homework. Therefore she reduced homework to a minimum. This year she had to choose her future school career, is it going to be High School or all the way up to University. A lot of stress when you’re just 14.

So 2 weeks ago I asked A. if she wanted to talk or blow off some steam. I couldn’t look the other way like the Russian parents in the video. I knew that with a little bit of common sense we could tackle A.’s problems. Not that I’m a magician, but simply because common sense takes things apart without emotions and feelings involved. And of course I did also, many years ago my exams, which was indeed a stressful and emotional period in my life. Though never to this point of wanting to end my life. Probably because kids nowadays are moving in such a fast interactive multi media world and they’re constantly impulsed by tv, social networks, mobile phones. Looking at it now I had quite a protected youth, simply because cell phones were not yet normal in the streets-cape, internet was not yet for the average people and still in its research phase, television had only 3 channels in Holland. We simply had to entertain ourselves, on which my generation did a better job than when I look at my own kids how they sometimes get bored due to overstimuli and an excess of virtual entertainment.

Anyway back to the exam stress, A. and I sat down and A. started to cry. It was indeed too much at this point, no suicidal too much, but emotions and feelings pulling and pushing her all over the place. While explaining after she calmed down what was kind of holding power over her, was this feeling of being tossed around by her own energetic charges. During the year she did her stuff, but as most teens nothing more then required. A. has been debunking a lot of her textbooks for what was written in it, but of course that was a no go area with her teachers. However when you see how you’re being fooled it’s even harder to try and learn the stuff. A. went into her exams with a 7 ( out of the 10) as her average mark. Not too bad for doing the minimum and being down graded as a foreigner. Nevertheless according to A. not high enough to not worry for her exams.

A. told me that for the last 6 months the teachers had been scaring the students for the exams and told that they didn’t work hard enough and that flanking was a real possibility. This fear management of the teachers was quite severe and in a way I do understand this kind of psychology to try and get these youngsters to work. But fear is not the tool to learn them self-responsibility and even enjoying to master information and see where to apply it. Of course being able to apply the learned information is an utopia in our current school system. So the teachers on one hand scared the shit out of A., it was feeding into her insecurity. Did she put enough effort in her school work or not, was a constant question on her mind, now she couldn’t change that anymore and only work with the consequences.

On the other hand a lot of the students who did their exams last year and the years before said that the exam was really easy and they didn’t have to study for it, everybody was passing anyway. This message was one that A. wanted to hear of course, but she didn’t trust it due to the information the teachers had been giving in a agressive way. It was simple A.was trapped in a polarity going from one side to the other, the exams are difficult versus the exams are easy. Further more this polarity was opening up all kind of teenage insecurities, till a point that the only future projection A. could do was fear. Not even anymore being able to name the fear game. No wonder she felt overwhelmed by her own accepted and allowed manifestation.

We dissected the polarity and all the turmoil that was attached to it and now she was able to see what it was that was holding her in place, within this fear. Really cool to do this with your child and to see that she was capable of opening up this point with a little bit of “objective” support from outside. If A. a 14 year old girl can do it, then all of us can do it and interpret our world according to what is really here and what needs our real attention to be an effective being and become of value for society in an equal way, where outcomes are best for all, because we understand life and know what we’re doing or dealing with.

A. did her 4 written exams, a national multiple choice exam and her oral exam is scheduled for the 28th of June. She said, till so far the teachers did lie to us about the exams and till so far everybody was allowed to attend the exams. All of a sudden all had an average mark of at least a 6, while their marks could impossible lead up to this average. Hhmmm, a nice introduction to society, showing the students what corruption in action is, because that’s the point they will remember.


I did it, no reactions towards going to school 14/04/2011

This time I hadn’t been making up conversations in my mind of how to approach the teachers. I didn’t have this feeling of anxiety before even going to school. No pain in my stomach as a sign of being reluctant. I just went as if I had an appointment. Today and yesterday we had parent-meetings at school, which is basically an overload of waiting in line and listening to teachers talking in circles and only a few who are capable of making a distinction between students and not replaying the same judgements over and over again to all parents.

The kids were still at school for extra lessons, my son J. was waiting downstairs where the porter sits and my daughter A. went up with us. This way we could stand in line for three different teachers at the same time and A. filled in the place of the one that had to go inside the classroom. Very effective and this way we were ready in almost no time. Normally I do not go and talk with the teachers alone, I was always afraid I was missing out on something or totally not understanding the message. I’m over it, I found out that they rarely have really something to say, so why making a fuss over something like this. I understood what they said and was able to respond, maybe not in beautiful sentences, but the message got across.

All these years when a teacher told something about my child that was really no reality, I got mad and mean. Mad in my back chat and mean in my words. Did this help so far? Nope. So no valid strategy and time for another one. One teacher said that my son J. while doing a paper, had written his name and all the questions but no answers and handed it to this teacher. So I asked the teacher what J. his motives were, since I hadn’t seen J. that day at home and had not spoken to him yet. The teacher said he didn’t know why the paper was empty and J. didn’t fill in anything. I said this is to me weird behavior how come you as a teacher do not know J.’s motives for not responding to the questions? He said he simply didn’t know. I told him that I would find out why. When I spoke to J. he said he had answered the questions, but he hadn’t written much, simply because he didn’t recall it. In other words, he has to study more.

Then another teacher spoke about my daughter A. on how she had to score better on his subject and that he saw her grades go up and down. So I asked him if he knew why this happened and he said he didn’t have a clue. He had found out that A. was doing well in class, but within tests and homework she wasn’t able to perform. I said, maybe she isn’t able to apply the information. So I asked him how we were going to fix this problem since she is doing her exam this year. He said: she can come to me before or after class and ask questions if she wants.

So this was a cool new experience since I normally, when teachers were telling crap, immediately went into my back chat and became less open to hear what they were saying. The fact that most teachers and students have different truths, isn’t giving me the liberty to get mean and rude. Also this time I asked what we were going to do about certain problems to keep all of us within our responsibility. I just approached it in the moment and if a teacher wants to lie, he has to deal with the consequences himself. I cannot make him change his mind and I cannot take this personal. Defending my children as I always did is only making teachers angry. Then when they see my child they are reminded of me and they see my child in a negative way. Because going to these meetings is only to put positivity to the name of my child and show them that we care as parents. Never something constructives happend
within this kind of conversations. The current education system is simply not a place where they think about what’s best for all. We all know it, but don’t want to do anything about it. It simply is as it is.

While waiting in line some interesting things occurred. People were talking about the teachers and how they didn’t care anymore. How teachers were no longer teaching out of passion and no longer explaining till the student understood the materials. So I said that most teachers were seeing teaching as a job and not as a passion. It’s simply a way to make a living, so all about money.  People agreed. Then one dad said that it was better in the old days and that things had changed. I said, we also changed, we do not educate our children the way we were educated. So the result is another type of child/student and another type of teacher. One not necessarily better or worse than the other. Then another dad said: but in the end we educate our children the same way as our parents. And yes that’s pre-programming and following your download.


Are we going to invest in education? 28/02/2011

We all know by experience that education isn’t one of mans most brillant inventions ever. The students that stood out the crowd and accomplished intellectual fame later in life were mostly school drop outs or autodidacts. During my own educational career that started 38 years ago and lasted for 21 years I witnessed the decline of the whole system. Already back then we had teachers that were not up to the task and went home with a mental break down not to be seen back anymore.

Then there were the years when we had too much graduated teachers, who chose another profession to survive and pay off their study loan. Nobody chose to do this study anymore and within 5 years and more there was a shortage of teachers. Governments started campaigns to trick people into the educational system and let them teach. This was the beginning of a chaos era. New teachers entered the school system who never had been teaching before, though some had a passion for working with students and were capable to transfer the knowledge better then any teacher ever. Others were disasters and of course they were the one’s who stayed within the system till their retirement and they received the gold watch.

In  those 21 years within the system I’ve witnessed cutbacks after cutbacks. Where teachers were in the old days, once a year on strike, they currently can pick which demonstration they want to go to or just oversleep and stay home. I wouldn’t be surprised if there exists a strike brochure for the whole school year, like a menu to pick from. Nothing changes by striking, the change needs to take place from the inside out. Teachers, the educational system and governments need to get their priorities straight. If not the decline wil make morons out of our children.

To illustrate how intellectual, common sensical our current teachers are and where they prioritize, a few examples from real life:

Italian language teacher:

Hair is a living material

Italian math teacher:

Sitting in front of a computer during an excel course and grabbing the mouse asking: what do I need to do now?

Italian math teacher:

Sticking verses on the kitchen cupboards to learn Dante by heart.

Dutch language teacher:

Baking bread with students while using a bread maker and being surprised to find the dough blade inside the bread.

Dutch language teacher:

Painting on the windows to decorate the classroom with waterproof paint and asking if the paint is washable.

Italian geography teacher:

Responding to the question why they write the word sex as a grade in the children’s report, she states that if they write ‘sei’ (6) students can make a ‘sette’ (7) out of it.

Italian english teacher:

After 15 years of studying the English language still saying “free” instead of “three”.

Italian remedial teacher:

Giving candies to a child with disturbed behavior like ADHD and not understanding why the kid gets so fucked up.

It’s time to get serious here. Schools are full of teachers who are a shame for their own profession. Schools with no financial means and working with old materials will not determine how teachers teach. Teaching without money is teaching with huge limitations, but when teachers in third world countries can pull the trick why can’t we? We have to look deeper into the real issues. What is it that we should accomplish through education? Do we want to make our children into uniformity and let them all go to the same factory or office and be slaves of the system? If so then we better implant the necessary information into the child so it can be effective within the system. If we really want to teach our children and let them apply the learned information within reality, then we have to throw away the current abusive educational system.

We need to start understanding that we can not make money over the backs of our children. Education needs to be reincarnation of information over and over again in every moment for every child. Simply because the message is always the same in every moment and needs to be available for every child in every moment. Information that can be walked, that can be experienced. Learning how to care for yourself and your planet with all that lives on it. Words like inequality, competition, comparison, greed, jealousy and power need to be explained and then banned. We need citizens of the world that do not fear themselves and their world. Citizens who understand that doing what’s in the best interest of all is also benefitting themselves. Citizens who are prepared to not be driven by money and do all that they can to establish world equality.

A change is now more possible then ever. By implementing the Equal Money System, education would be free for everybody. Education is an investment into  the future and not a financial investment.


We met the teacher on the pedestal… 13/12/2010

Tonight were the parents interviews for my daughter A.’s year and not in January as we first thought. It started at 4 o’clock and when we arrived the school was already crowded with parents and students. We decided to get in line for mathematics, we waited at least 45 minutes. In total we spoke to 3 teachers, because then the time was up. Out of the 3 teachers the one from math was the only one that was able to speak on a honest and equal level with us. He was the one who saw that A. had made quite some progress emotionally, compared to last semester. We were “hopeful” and got into the next line for the class tutor who teaches Italian, geography and history. We waited over an hour in front of the class room, many parents claimed to be in front of the other because their kid had been already in line waiting. These kids were no where to see anymore and in the end the chaos was complete. What started off as a line of waiting people was just a group of people that gathered and watched the door of the class room carefully to plunge into the room whenever the door opened. At a certain point I didn’t know anymore if I was fooled or not, so I didn’t start an argument over it. It started snowing and people got more restless than before.

When we finally were allowed to go into the class room, I was physically tired of standing in the hallway for almost 2 hours in a row and we only had been speaking to 1 teacher so far. While waiting I felt this energy starting accumulating inside myself, memories of the already so many parents interviews we’ve done over the past 9 years. So many teachers who spoke, but rather not had spoken, because they spoke out of dishonesty/believes/ideas/opinions. It all made me so mad over the years. Teachers who spoke about children as if they were a number and talking behind the child’s back. Also the memories of myself while being in school are connected to this, teachers who told me who I was without even having had a good look. Yes, this energy was one of anger and of never ever having stood up for me or my child, only acting out of emotions and feelings. So we sat down with this teacher who never sees progress even if it’s in her face. We had been correcting her in a note that we had to sign about homework that according to her wasn’t done, but in fact A. had done it. Of course she referred to it and we only said the same as in the note. This is the teacher that sees all students as equally within her mind, but in real life has obvious preferences. And than out of the blue she said: ” I do treat every student equally, I do not have preferences and all students get grades on the same grounds”. We watched her carefully while she was stating this out of the blue. She started coughing and getting uncomfortable. She didn’t picture A. attending the lyceum and prepare herself for university. “Why isn’t she going to do something artistic or something with languages”, she said. Than I got mad, I said: ” It’s up to A. to make this choice and in the current world there are not many jobs for translators and artists”. I studied art and my partner P. is translator and it doesn’t provide bread on the table and that’s not just now but already the case for several years. The teacher didn’t understand me properly, I was quite mad and had a hard time making any sense so I left it there. So no standing up. I was mad about teachers that have to prepare our kids for our world/society and they do not know anything about it. Choosing a job that’s in the best interest for all that’s what counts, all other jobs are vanity or greed based.

Another 30 minutes and we were able to meet with the teacher on the pedestal who told our daughter that her parents weren’t allowed to talk back when signing a note of him. When we came in he said: ” So you are the parents of A.?” , and than he said lets talk about the little one. We looked at each other, the little one? He wanted to discuss our son J. who is in his first year. I said: “We are here to talk about A.”. After that he started unwillingly. He did a whole story about how A. was unwilling to copy things from the blackboard or even later from her classmates. We didn’t know what to say since this sounded as quite a weird story to us, but A. wasn’t there to verify it. Then he said she didn’t study, but her technical drawings were okay. Consequently he showed us her grade list with almost all low grades. I didn’t know what to say, we had been signing for all grades so far and A. showed hardly any insufficient grades. When the note came into the conversation, we again told him that A.’s background wasn’t the same as the others and that she’s living in Italy only for 4 years now. He wasn’t impressed, only his own truth was reality.

When we tried to speak to another teacher she was already packing and leaving, so we decided to go home. What a useless and ineffective way of using our time. This whole circus is for parents to be reassured about their kids and for the teachers to have a moment to hedge themselves.

When we were home at 7 o’clock we confronted A. with the information we got from the teachers. What I suspected was true, these 2 grown ups had been lying flatly in our faces. The teacher on the pedestal had never ever checked if A. had copied the materials from the blackboard and he had never told her bout the majority of her grades. We also discussed J. with this teacher so I also saw his grades and asked him if he knew about these and he didn’t. So these students have no clue how they are doing according to their grades and they have no idea for what assignments these grades were, isn’t that dishonest and giving students a disadvantage within their semester? Why is a teacher lying towards parents? I was also angry at him, I was ready to expose him but I wasn’t sure if I was right in that moment. Exposing him out of the starting point of anger hadn’t been a good idea either. I replayed the conversations at home and discovered more inconsistencies, but confronting them with it is just bumping against the limitations of the education system. Lets put all these kind of teachers in a rehab camp as long as they are a threat to our children. When they understand self honesty, don’t do to another what you don’t want to be done onto you and what’s best for all, they can be released within society. A new society where the Equal Money System rules where there isn’t any place for teachers who do not see their students equal to themselves and where high education means preparing our children for life and teach about the living word and self forgiveness. It sounds like a dream, but we’re not as far from it as you might think.

On this point of anger towards teachers and the education system I will have to do a mind construct to get more clarity in that one, but for now some self forgiveness on the points that are obvious in the face.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let the energy accumulate within me and let it direct me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry and therefore not being able to express myself sufficient.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand for myself and my child.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within  school memories and use that as a blueprint for next school experiences.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless when it comes to the teachers of my kids and kids in general. Not having any trust in teachers.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing teachers while they are lying, out of not trusting my starting point and the information I have within that moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel like a teen again in front of the teacher on the pedestal and almost wanting to spit him in the face.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become anger and not seeing that it’s anger towards myself for not standing up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel unfairness instead of seeing that by participating within this feeling I make myself the victim and unable to direct myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be certain and not directing myself within my life.