Sylvia's writing to freedom

Knowing when to end a dream within my reality 14/01/2012

I had a dream and many more, though I decided at a certain point in my life to manifest this one particular dream I had which would set me free from all that I experienced as limiting and which kept me bound to the system that I despised. It was like a wish, a desire that turned into a ticking time bomb inside of me, while I wasn’t aware of the ticking and not at all aware of the bomb that was the cause of the ticking. So I lived the dream and I walked the dream in order to escape reality and I found out that there isn’t something like escaping your physical reality if you do not want to end up dead. My physical reality can’t be ignored as hard as I tried, since my physical body is the only vehicle I have at my disposal to manifest and experience anything here on this earth.

To make this dream I’m speaking of more tangible I have to go back in time to see where the building blocks for this dream were formed and what emotions/feelings these building blocks consisted of. The dream I’m speaking of was escaping Holland to settle down in Italy and start all over, far away from the evil outside world. One of the building blocks was the urge for a “spacious” house, another was no longer dealing with compulsory education in regards to my kids, wanting to be self sufficient on a level of food and basic living, enjoying the fresh mountain air and escaping the petty Dutch state of mind.

I always longed for a “spacious” house and when I started opening up this point I had no idea where that urge ever started. It was simply there all my adult life, I didn’t question it, I simply followed it like a manual of how to live my life. Since ignorance isn’t bliss I had to dig deeper and find out more. When looking at my life I saw a life where I had been moving around the Netherlands  with my parents a lot. Always when my dad was able to get a better job we got a better house, that was the first imprint from childhood. Then we ended up living in a trailer for over a year with my parents, waiting for a house to be built. Living on such a small space with 4 people was doable, but not really enjoyable. As I’ve been suppressing most of my emotions/feelings throughout my life, always for the sake of something, I only have happy memories of this period. Though when I speak of this period I speak of all the inconvenient things that were inextricably connected to my life in the trailer and I was not really in peace with myself through suppressing all the negative. When we finally did live in the new “spacious” home it felt like a real relief, a feeling of “now I’m able to truly live”. So all that was negative turned now into positive and therefore a “spacious” house was the equivalent to freeing myself from the negative. These two imprints of “moving is improving” and a “spacious” house is “freedom”, which I allowed to  make me believe that moving into a bigger house would solve all that I was facing inside myself as negative was ignition for my ticking time bomb. Not realizing that I didn’t experience yet  this negative inside myself as something of myself, I experienced it as the evil outside world that was coming for me.

This meant that I made the effort to emigrate to Italy to find a “spacious” house and set me free of the negativity I experienced in my world as not being of me. I completely separated myself from my physical reality in order to not face this world as me. Once in Italy I fully experienced all the shit I had been resisting/ denying/suppressing, when I started my process and especially when I started my DesteniIProcess I knew that there is but only one solution; facing myself or going down with my dream. Only now, after almost 6 years in Italy, this point is opening up and getting clear to me.

Compulsory education is the foundation of the dutch education system, therefore homeschooling is not allowed by law. Back then I saw it as unfair, especially unfair towards me as a personal attack of the system which made me decide that I was going to fuck the system and let it know that I could fight it. How wrong could I be. Looking back at it now, I can see that I am the system and that I therefore was fucking myself big time. I was fighting myself and the system hit back with a judge and a fine. I was totally disillusioned and couldn’t see that it was simply cause and effect. I broke the rules of the system by homeschooling my kids for a year while the Dutch law forbade such a thing, so I was breaking the law and had to answer the system in the form of a judge and I was corrected by the system to follow it’s path again and paid my fine.

While taking this step of emigration I found out that also Italy had a compulsory education system and that only kids that lived too far away from the civilized world were allowed to be home schooled. Which made us look for remote areas where we could buy a ruin to restructure. On the brink of my emigration and wanting to escape the compulsory education system I knew there was a big chance that the kids had to go to school, which did already deteriorate my dream, but I didn’t want to face it. Instead I considered school all of a sudden as a good thing to establish the Italian language for the kids. Not that there was no common sense in this perspective, but it was the opposite of what I had believed in. What made me experience again only the positive and suppress the actual negative.

My partner P. and I have been talking a lot about being self sufficient and seeing it as the ultimate form of freedom. We considered collecting rainwater for the toilets/shower/washing machine and a cane field and anti bacterial Philips lamp to clean our own water to re-use it for consumption. We were investigating many ways of growing our own vegetable garden and building a house with straw and other ecological products. We searched for a place far away from any village to experience life as I thought it should be. There was one tiny little problem I didn’t oversee, I’m part of a whole and I was planning on separating myself from that whole. I thought I was strong enough to do it all on my own not realizing that I was allowing a polarity to play out at my own expense. I felt like I could handle the whole world and take a stance like, me against the world, surviving life on my own force, while in reality I was the opposite. I feared life, I was running away from life and therefore I was running away from myself, separating myself from myself and not willing to face myself. So the ideas I had about living self-sufficient were not bad or evil in itself, it was my starting point for wanting this dream to come true that turned life/me against myself. Where it were first thoughts and ideas, later I walked them in reality and experienced life as being against me while my starting point was one of self-sabotage.

I liked the idea of enjoying the fresh mountain air and made it into a highly prominent motive to do this emigration into the Italian mountains. We lived around Amsterdam where the air was polluted and my kids and partner experienced astma-like symptoms of it. My reference points for thinking that mountain air would be better than the air we were breathing at that time were nice travel pictures of mountains throughout my life, hiking in areas in the mountains where no one lived and my partner P. his stories about his Italian youth and the nice air in Italy. Looking at these reference points I have to come to the conclusion in common sense that I’ve manipulated my reality into fitting into my dream/ideas. If someone would suggest me to buy a certain product, because of pictures and stories of others, I would not even consider buying into it. In my own case I sold myself Italy because of it’s fresh mountain air based on pictures and hearsay and I didn’t ask myself questions. Which shows me my true nature and who’s my possible worse enemy.

Escaping the petty Dutch state of mind is the same as escaping myself and that’s what I did. I changed the Dutch pettiness for the Italian pettiness and kicked it till it was sore. All along I was the one who was sore, I was out of options to let myself know what I was busy doing to myself. And when that wasn’t enough I started to develop physical problems, the last option of my body to ask me to please take self-responsibility. I looped within my physical problems for 3 years till this winter, it became clear to me how I’ve been abusing myself throughout my life and that I have to put this to a stop. I developed shingles, food intolerances, a dust allergy, candida albican and hives. It felt like my body was falling apart, my entire life I’ve been healthy and now the opposite occurred. It’s my physical explaining to me how I kept positivity in place and how I wasn’t willing to see the negative that was there at the same time within me ready to be dealt with. Positive can’t exist without the negative so it was inevitable that this would happen.

So I cried which I hadn’t done in a long time and let a lot of the negativity out, to see who I am and who I had become while not denying half of myself. Within this process of letting go and processing I found out that I had pushed away a feeling of not being happy where I am now in life. Knowing that happiness as we experience it now isn’t a stable factor to rely on, it’s an energy and therefore the opposite outflow of being happy. And yes my whole 6 year stay here in Italy I convinced myself of being happy with my new situation while suppressing the fact that I felt displaced and not belonging anywhere. Searching for this self-worth outside of myself, that I was convinced of finding there. I believed that self-worth had to be brought to me through the fact of who I was for others. Instead of having this stability and self-worth inside myself. Though the others were not seeing me as someone that belonged there, they saw me as displaced and reflected my own belief back to myself which gave me this horrible feeling inside of being eaten away from the inside. And that’s what it was I was slowly letting myself die/decompose letting all life slip away. So I STOPPED and said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, till here and NO FURTHER. There was no escaping possible I had to continue facing myself and redefine my situation in common sense in the best interest of all.

I looked at my own created situation together with my partner P., knowing how our dream had looked liked back then 6 years ago. We had not been able to buy a house due to financial misfortunes already starting in Holland when selling our house. We had a stable job when we came here and within 2 years we lost the job due to the starting worldwide crisis and incompatibility with the Italian traditional way of doing business. We lost about 4 times jobs and tried all kind of little jobs on the side line facing every time the unwillingness of the Italians to use opportunities and to work with us. We’ve gone through winters of hardly having money to buy food let alone other stuff. Right now we lost again our jobs within an impossible labor market while trying to live out our Italian dream. My body is sick and so are the bodies of my family and there isn’t enough money to go and see all kind of doctors.The air we breathe is highly polluted by wood stoves and gives me asthmatic problems, schools are even worse then in Holland, food isn’t of a great quality, the costs of life are the same as in Holland only the salaries are way lower. So what the fuck are we doing here chasing a mindfuck?

I have to face myself as the only and ultimate solution and I’ve been busy doing so, yet 43 years of shit are not easily worked through. Step by step I understand who I am with my ugly sides included, though my physical reality asks for an immediate solution since having no job here in Italy,  means for us no money. And what is common sense? Staying there where you ran out of options without a big network in a country where one only get a job when one has connections and where others grant you with a job due to who you are and not what you are able to do? So we came to the conclusion that the best thing for us to do now is remigration to Holland and pick up the network that we left 6 years ago to which we kept more or less in touch with.

After the first investigations within the possibilities of remigration I found out that my remigration to Holland as a Dutch person means the same as emigrating to what ever country. First a job and a house then re-migration, welfare isn’t an option since they do not provide re-migrants with welfare. Holland is not welcoming their expats and re-migrants, it’s simply, once you leave your spot will be taken. When one Googles remigration the first searches are about non Dutch people who want to go back to their birth country, they can get compensation for their trip home and keep a monthly income from the Dutch State. I was astonished to hear and read about the unfriendly treatment of the Dutch State on several blogs from re-migrants, the same story over and over again. Though when we left Holland I remember that the official agencies were quite blunt and made it clear that they weren’t going to put much effort in my questions since I left. Also businesses are not welcoming people with foreign experience, they see them as a threat. Instead of seeing someone with a foreign experience and the ability to adapt they fear people like us.

So deciding to go back will not be easy when it comes to the practical procedure of it and it certainly won’t be a dream or a warm welcome. We will settle for a job and a warm home, instead of a living room at 14 degrees Celsius with the wood stove on. Sleeping in a temperature of 6 degrees isn’t really fun, so I’m basically looking for a dignified life where I can sort myself out and where I can be part of the whole instead of being separated from it. It’s time to end the dream and a second chance would be great, I’m granting myself a second chance I know I’m worth it.

I’m sharing here my Self-Forgivenesses that opened up through writing this blog. The Self- Forgivenesses that I already did over time are not included within this blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see a dream or a desire as something that can be real without consequences, instead of seeing that dreams and desires are based in energy and therefore not real within the physical reality, it will cause friction between real and unreal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be caught up in the mind and perceive my dreams as real as my physical reality without investigating my starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise the system and judging it for limiting me, instead of seeing that the system is me and it’s always me that decides to limit myself.Therefore I need to direct myself and take self-responsibility for the limitations I bring on to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape reality out of fear to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility for life and longing for freedom to come and save me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the evil outside world while in fact I was blaming my evil inside world for being existent. Therefore I didn’t want to be a person with negative sides I only wanted to see my positive personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical reality in order to not face the world as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the negative feelings/emotions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the negative feelings/emotions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the negative feelings/emotions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the system for fining and correcting me, instead of seeing that I broke the law and had to face the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my believes in order to keep a dream alive. Instead of seeing that beliefs are not based in common sense and what is best for all and therefore not a solution to any problem to participate within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for being self-sufficient without seeing that I’m separating myself from the whole and not bringing solutions in the best interest of all when being self-sufficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a starting point of self-sabotage in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience life as a force that is against me, instead of seeing that life is me and being against myself is self-sabotage and therefore unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end up as my worse enemy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face myself and let myself loop within a tree year period where my health was the investment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face the negativity within myself and not wanting to take self-responsibility for the consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to cry and seeing it as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that happy exist as something that is stable and real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-worth comes from outside, instead of seeing that self-worth can only be allowed and accepted by me from the inside out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slowly die/decompose and not taking my self-responsibility for life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that changing the scenery will change me and gives me the freedom to not face myself.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of perceiving a dream as real and worth chasing. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as living in my mind and escaping reality and myself  and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

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Closing my mind construct with a dream 08/01/2012

After working on my last Mind Construct within a series of MC’s, I realized as I always do how I’ve been deluding myself, lost myself within side paths and absolutely not having taken self-responsibility. One realization that made me look further into my current physical reality, in order to correct myself right away, was the point of wanting to control my environment out of fear of loss. I realized that I had been controlling through manipulation and dishonesty throughout my life to sooth this fear of loss inside of myself, which obviously didn’t work  and I made myself go even deeper into this pattern of control. So the realization I had was to stop the control and to self-direct my life, it sounds so simple and it amazed me that I hadn’t figured it out before, but then again how could I while being busy controlling and being blinded by fear. So the veil lifted for a moment and I saw clear and within that moment it made a deep impact on me and I made the commitment to change myself within this point of control when it would occur again within my physical reality.

Then my partner P. told me that our friend E. had suggested to come together with all Italian Destonians at our place. The first response I had was; when are they planning to come and are they planning on staying over? Before, I would see this as a highly positive characteristic of my personality, to always be prepared and organize things. Now after speaking the words I saw how I was trying to control my world with so called practical issues. P. responded with I have no idea, the plan so far is to gather together then we will see  how to fill it in. I remember this was a point of irritation that P. didn’t know what was exactly going to happen. I could not even enjoy in that moment what was shared with me I was pre-occupied with the future to come. On top of a feeling of misery of not knowing what was exactly going to happen I spit out the following phrase; hopefully they do not expect of me that I’ll speak about my process in Italian, because I’m not an Italian in that way, I’m a foreigner in Italy who can’t express herself that refined. At that point P. started mirroring back what I had said. It became all clear to me, but yet not clear enough that I could stop and correct myself before even speaking these words.

Also a point within this MC was my life in Italy and how I’m dealing with the language. Not being able to correct myself in that moment or even before, was like being told how my new computer works and now having to run it on my own. I knew how, but I had to correct myself on the fly or afterwards. So I saw how I was manipulating, blaming and judging myself and everyone else for only one reason; controlling my reality. I said to myself, look this way it isn’t going to work, you’ve done that for a long time and it didn’t work, so time for a change and start directing yourself within your life. And that was the point where I left the day for what it was and went to bed.

Although I do not remember many dreams I have or even do not know that I dream, this dream was quite vivid. It started in a loft that I didn’t recognize but it had the kitchen like our last neighbors in Holland had and my red couch was there. I was sitting on the couch with my partner P. and our friend E. and A. a new member of the group. We were discussing stuff and every time there came more people into the room, some I vaguely recognized others not. After a while there were a lot of people in the loft and I felt irritation coming up, but it was more a feeling of being controlled by the situation. Then one guy opened the door and said something, on which we all reacted with;  wow that’s an abuser he needs to be blocked. Before I knew it E. jumped off the couch and took all of a sudden her black long hair off and showed a blond buz cut underneath while she started confronting the “abuser” with what he had done.

Then the dream jumps in time and it’s the next morning, all people are still there. Most women are standing around a massive sink doing their hair and brushing their teeth. Oh and I was walking around naked and I stated that I wasn’t going to do things different from normal, those uninvited people had to get used to my way of doing.This is funny because I do not walk around my house naked all day. Then one woman comes up to me and asks if I have oil or something to put in her hair to remove the tangles. That was the moment where I exploded due to the heavy feeling of being controlled by the situation. I asked her how the hell she dared to ask me such a question as if I was a store or something. The woman disappeared and I left the room on the loft full of frustration.

I went over the hallway towards another room at the other end of the loft. I stepped into a room that was darkish yet lightened with a bed light. I went in and then I realized that I had gone into the room of the son of the lady I clean for. So I turned around to leave the room noiseless and leave the kid in peace. At that moment I was calmed down a bit and decided to go downstairs. The hallway and the stairs looked like the one in my current house only one level higher and therefore things felt familiar again.

I decided to stop this madness and move myself downstairs, yet whenever I tried to put my foot forward to go down the stairs the step disappeared or went down out of my reach. Frustration came up again and the fear of not being able to leave this situation that I experienced as controlling me. Then I took a deep breath and said to myself you do not need to control this stairway you need to direct yourself. I held onto the guardrail and with my eyes closed I reached with one leg down and with the tip of my toe I searched for the step to be felt. And I did feel the step, I took it and did the same action again and again. At that point I woke up saying to myself, I need to direct myself and no longer wanting to control my environment.

That was quite a cool dream full of symbolism and confirming my self corrective statement about control versus self-direction. The first part of the dream the situation was controlling me, because I let it control me. The only way I dealt with the situation was fighting the situation and trying to control it to be in power of my reality. The fighting I saw by being naked and all others in clothes, not wanting all these people in my house without inviting them and therefore reacting snabby at the lady who asked for oil. Then when I tried to escape my urge to control and left the room full of people, I went into this childrens bedroom and again entering a situation that I hadn’t come up with myself. Calming down and leaving noiseless to control the stairs and then finally getting the message that controlling and fighting isn’t the way to live within the system. Only at the point where I trusted myself and saw myself as a stable factor I became confident enough to direct myself and  to move from moment to moment from breath to breath.

The next day when my partner P. was out working I decided to take the cat on a walk how P. and I always do when he’s home. I asked my son if he wanted to join, though he wasn’t interested. Then I asked my daughter and neither she was interested. I looked at myself and said: you are again controlling your reality by manipulating others into joining you and the cat on a walk, you can do the walk yourself. For a moment I decided not to take the walk and then I said to myself: direct yourself and take a walk if that is in the best interest of all. And I decided it was and of we went the cat and I.

Do you want to learn how to interpret your dreams? Join us at the Desteni forum at www.desteni.org or start a course to learn to know yourself and direct yourself at www.desteniiprocess.com. In the Eqafe store there is lots of videos and books to educate yourself. Have fun.

 

Too busy blaming others 10/04/2011

Too busy blaming others while I should have taken my responsibility and eliminating the source for the abuse of my child. This is one of those realizations I so to speak had rather not made, because it’s showing once again how also I am totally fucked up and giving attention to all the things that seem to matter, but not at those issues that really make a difference. Not seeing through the veils of my own deception. If I had taken my responsibility from the start, within a friendship of my daughter A. and another girl, things had still been able to direct and to manage. I didn’t direct myself for all kind of reasons and ended up blaming others for the same behavior that I already had exhibited.

And where one fucks-up there is always room for more fucked-upness. As also in this situation, where the lack of taking responsibility, in the case of abusive peer behavior connected to my lack of responsibility for my own sexual experiences ended up in the abuse of my daughter. Maybe an interesting mixture for a fantasy, abusive behavior and sexuality, but a disaster in real life.

I’m talking here about a back chat that started 2,5 years ago and ended this week. It all started with us, as a family, moving to another village and the kids who were starting at a new school. A. picked a new girlfriend out of the 7 girls in her class, all these girls had no girlfriend amongst those 7 girls and were desperate for friendship and seeking for acceptance and validation. The new girlfriend was manipulative, shameless within taking and wrecking our possessions.

The moment the girl started wrecking our stuff and being dishonest about it, I had to take my responsibility and confront the girl with her actions. I could have given her the choice of leaving or adjusting in the best interest of all. I justified myself by thinking that my insufficient knowledge of the Italian language could be a reason to not speak up to the girl. I even feared not being accepted and being seen as mean or not nice. Instead I told A. to tell the girl that I was not pleased, which was in fact abusing my authority as parent to neglect my responsibility and abusing my child through putting her in my role as a parent. I let the girl stay with us even after she misbehaved, wrecked and lied over and over again. This was a perfect breeding ground for my back chat and over time I started hating this girl for what she did and got away with. Not seeing that I didn’t stop this behavior that was absolute not in the best interest of all, therefore I let her get away with it. Deep down I knew it and I wasn’t willing to see that I hated myself for not taking responsibility and projected it unto the girl.

The friendship between A. and the girl became mentally abusive and later with the help of others also physical abusive. At that point the situation was already out of control and A. became the victim of bullying. The school had no protocol for this and did not label or recognize it as bullying. I blamed them for not taking their responsibility and conveniently forgot that I also had not taken my responsibility earlier in this whole event. Due to the fact that nobody was taking responsibility and the situation got out of hand A. got a burnout and stayed home for weeks. A. decided to continue with school at another Middle School in a nearby town. Things seemed sorted out and I not really looked into this point for myself again.

A year ago A. became friends with a girl here in the village and all seemed fine. Till the day the girl started acting quite free and feeling at home in our house. Out of the blue the girl started wrecking one of my chairs and without really noticing I  locked myself into my memories of the first girlfriend of A. I projected the whole memory/experience unto this girl and wasn’t able to see what was real, back chat or memory. Though not long after that I saw what was happening and I tried to stop it with self-forgiveness within the moment, although this was more SF out of fear for repeating the past and therefore not really effective. All that happend was suppressing the old memories and the new experiences getting twisted by the old one’s.

Before the girl could even do or say something, in my opinion she was already the one to blame. Then a couple of days ago I left the girl and my son in my car waiting, while A. and I went into the bookshop for school supplies. When I came back they were fooling around and making a lot of noise. I got irritated and in that moment I watched the girl more or less lying in the front seat with her jeans belt open. What is she doing, flashed through my mind. Are they making out in the car? They are kids! Within these back chat thoughts I could see how twisted my own ideas about sexuality are. So I pushed away and suppressed these thoughts and labeled them as ridiculous and bizarre and kind of wanted to separate myself from this part of me.

As I know by now, suppressing and pushing away isn’t going to do the trick it’s an ingredient for more fucked-upness. That night I woke up sweaty and feeling absolute shitty. I had a dream and the remains of it were still flashing and echoing through my head. I dreamed that my 11 year old son J. said, in this really nonchalant way:” oh yeah I also tried to have sex with the girl and then A. started yelling: Yeah I saw you guys having sex in the alley, really filthy.” In that moment I’m surprised about what the kids are saying, it feels really surreal. I tell myself that we do not have an alley, as if that makes up for something. I slowly wake up and get this image of me entering the bathroom while J. is in the shower. When looking at his silhouette through the shower doors I see he has an erection. In that moment I am ashamed of seeing it, though I know this happens to 11 year old boys. Then I really are awake and feel awful and ashamed. When really back in reality I feel an arousal within my genitals. I want to hide, but there is nowhere to go, I feel so ashamed of myself. Why am I having these twisted thoughts? I need to take my responsibility and sort out my sexuality and relationship with my own body. I can blame this dream these feelings on the girl and on the first girl, but it’s been all along me who didn’t take responsibility and blamed others for the outcome.

So I wrote it all out and put it into perspective to see where to apply SF and how to avoid going back in the same patterns again. This time it was a dream that shook me back into reality, if I keep suppressing, it will manifest and I will create future events with it. No more blaming others while I do not take responsibility myself, within this all my child allowed herself to be abused and I didn’t protect her, indeed I made the abuse possible and abused my reality by being in my mind and believing my back chat. No more, no more do I want to be in this position, within this awful place called mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was weird behavior of these girls in A her new class. Instead of seeing that all these girls were desperate seeking for friendship and validation what the 7 hadn’t found in each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my hypocritical being nice towards the girl. Instead of seeing that I was judging her even before I knew her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A enjoyed her with the new girl. Instead of seeing that also A was searching for a friendship, the same as she had in Holland, a friendship that would give her the validation she needs from outside herself to feel accepted in her new environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was pleased as A was pleased, not willing to see that both our motivations were originating in dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it seemed A enjoyed herself with the new girlfriend. Instead of already picking up red flags about the girls behavior and take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that noise inside the house is inappropriate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my hating noise with the opinion that it’s inappropriate. Instead of seeing that it’s me who is reacting to the noise and blaming the noise for being distracted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the wrecking of the bike with the fact that it can happen to anyone. Instead of seeing that I was pretending not caring, but already blaming the girl for wrecking it out of not liking her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for deliberately wrecking the bike. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself for not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A to take my responsibility and confront the girl in my place. Instead of seeing that it is unacceptable to use my own child to fill in the gaps where I do not take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my blaming the girl for wrecking the bike when I found out she had lied about it. Instead of being my own directive principle and stop the abusive behavior of the girl by taking my own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not trusting the girl since I labeled her as a deceiver.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not taking my responsibility. Instead of seeing that this is an passive act that will not make me direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not confronting the girl. Instead of seeing that I feared not being accepted and therefore didn’t take any responsibility. Which left me with the same unsolved issue as before, not taking responsibility in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A in telling the girl what I had to tell and not taking my own responsibility. Instead I delegated it to my child who wasn’t in a position to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A still enjoyed playing with girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my being fed up with the girl through my opinion about the girl as being a deceiver. Instead of seeing that I was fed up with myself for allowing the girl her abusive behavior and not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for being a deceiver so I was entitled to be fed up with her. Instead of seeing that I was conquering some sort of freedom to judge and label the girl as deceiver to be off the hook myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for touching my stuff. Instead of seeing that I was possessive when it came to my stuff, seeing it as mine and not able to share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it my body was sick and reacting with fever. Instead of seeing how out of tune I was with my own physical body that I believed I suddenly had a fever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not knowing when I have a fever or when my environment is too warm and making me overheated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for the turned up switch already before investigating the matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for something she possibly could have done. Instead of seeing that any excuse was welcome to blame and judge the girl to cover up my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for switching the temperature on max. Instead of seeing that I hadn’t taken my responsibility and told the girl to stay out my bedroom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not being pleased with the fact that the girl had misbehaved and not respecting the unspoken rule to stay out of my bedroom and not touching any switches.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for not respecting an unspoken rule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not taking any responsibility to communicate with guests what I do not allow in my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A to tell the girl to stay out of my bedroom and point out unspoken rules. instead of seeing that it is my responsibility as grown up to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl for feeling awful in not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my not liking the girl with the fact that she was braking the unspoken rules.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe A still enjoyed playing with the girl. Instead of seeing that A wanted to belong and not wanted to end up isolated and alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for still coming over and not sensing she wasn’t really welcome. Instead of seeing that due to the fact that I already so many times allowed the girl’s abusive behavior and not taking responsibility I was ashamed and afraid of suddenly taking my responsibility and feared not being accepted and spoiling things for A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the girl having dinner with us after her misbehavior. Instead of seeing that I was buying off debt for not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into having the girl over for dinner. Instead of seeing that Idid it to be accepted and not having to admit my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for presenting myself as a nice mom, while feeling like an awful mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being a hypocrite when stating that she liked my cooking. Instead of seeing that the girl was seeking for validation and acceptance, but not knowing how to establish this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify giving her food to bring home for her mom and at the same time not believing her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl for having to give away food and not believing it was for the mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself to deny someone food based on a assumption of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into giving away food while having the feeling of “this isn’t okay”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for the fact that I gave away far too much expensive tea to please her. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to spoil this friendship for A and went into extremes, a few bags of tea would have been enough to taste it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it’s rude to ask for so much expensive tea bags. Instead of seeing that I was over possessive due to the price I had paid for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the motives of the girl were dishonest without being able to proof it. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to share the expensive tea bags.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for not responding on my question if her mom liked the tea. Instead of seeing that I didn’t trust the girl with anything which indicates that I didn’t trust myself with anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not taking responsibility and not confronted the girl with her behavior. Instead of seeing that I’m my own directive principle that I need to take my own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A still enjoyed playing with the girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not wanting to see the girl. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to be confronted with the fact that I had not been taken responsibility and therefore didn’t want to face myself and be reminded of it by seeing the girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for having to put effort in being nice to her. Instead of seeing that I was the hypocrite and not nice to myself by allowing abusive behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify hating the girl because she wrecked already quite some stuff of ours. Instead of seeing that I was hating myself for not stopping this behavior of wrecking stuff and taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in believing I wasn’t mad. Instead of seeing that I was irritated for having more laundry and more fuss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl freaked out. Instead of seeing that the girl really feared her mother based on reality or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was going to be hit by her mom. Instead of seeing that my back chat didn’t believed it and even thought that she deserved it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for making me feel guilty. Feeling guilty for the girl being hit by her mom. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to know about this apparent abuse, and not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was acting ridiculous and dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe she was deceiving me again by telling these stories about her mom being abusive towards her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame her for deceiving me again. Instead of seeing that I wanted to deny possible abusive behavior of the mom so I didn’t have to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was acting strange out of the ordinary. Instead of seeing that I was holding onto a picture I had formed about her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for acting totally different than normal. Instead of seeing that she might have been honest for once.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl could not fear her mom when she unscrupulous wrecked my stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being fed up with her lies. Instead of seeing that I was fed up with myself and not showing the real me who would take responsibility where necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for how I was feeling, fed up with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my trust in her was zero.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my zero trust in her due to her own behavior of being irresponsible. Instead of seeing that I was doing the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A into not playing too much with the girl, because of her abusive behavior. While not being honest with A about my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not having the girl in the house that much with being happy for A to mingle with her peers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was happy when I didn’t see this girl as much. Instead of seeing that every time I did see her I was confronted with my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for my being mad. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself and mad at myself for having this whole event escalated by not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was unfair and evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for my outburst of anger. Instead of seeing that I had given her this much space to be abusive towards my child/another being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A and not allowing her to play with the girl again. Instead of seeing that I feared the extent this event could have or become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that A wasn’t allowed to play with the girl anymore due to mental problems of the girl. Instead of seeing that I already knew about the girls problems yet I did nothing out of fear of not being accepted and more problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A would become the victim of the girls mental imbalance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not taking responsibility when the girl verbally attacked A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not confronting the girl nor the mom with her behavior towards A. Instead of realizing that I feared their reactions and what they were capable of. I didn’t direct myself I let fear direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that I didn’t confront the girl or the mom with her behavior, with fearing their reaction or actions. instead of seeing that this fear was a projection of my mind into the future and therefore not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for bullying A. Instead of seeing that this was the outflow of what I feared most, what I had been projecting and my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for not taking action in case of bullying. Instead of seeing that I had neither taken responsibility when the seeds for bullying were planted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for not knowing about the bullying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the teachers lie to me about not knowing about the bullying. Instead of working what is here in the moment and not judging others without investigating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl would lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for stating a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for stating a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the school for not taking responsibility. Instead of seeing that I had done the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own failure upon the school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I had to protect my child. Instead of seeing that I had been doing the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not taking my responsibility with me as a mom have to protect my child. Instead of seeing that I was hiding behind my mother construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that thinking about the school had so much power over me that it could make me disgust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that teachers should be fired if not capable of protecting the students. Instead of seeing that in that case I also had to be fired as a mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for incapable behavior. Instead of seeing that I had been incapable too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the girl wanted to fool around with Jis. Instead of seeing that I feared abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of the previous event with the previous girlfriend onto this event. Instead of seeing that it was a memory that determined me in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for feeling awful. Instead of seeing that the memory took these emotions and feelings with it and I let the memory be my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for feeling nauseous. Instead of seeing that I resisted taking responsibility out of fear of not being accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the event was familiar to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for wrecking my chair. Instead of seeing that I feared the repeating of the former abusive event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for feeling afraid to speak up about the wrecking. instead of seeing that I feared still the event with the first girlfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was too afraid to stand and say no. Instead of seeing that I was too afraid to take again no responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for making me stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear for standing up due to a past experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being in this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my experience with the first girlfriend unto the second.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into doing something I didn’t want to do out of fear what would happen in my house when the girl came over. Instead of seeing that I was making excuses, blaming the girl for things that had not yet happened and projecting memories on top of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify taking the girl home out of lack of motives for not doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate Jis and the girl to stay in the car to not make the shop owner nervous. Instead of being honest and saying that I didn’t want the girl in the shop due to her behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the owner of the shop gets nervous with more kids in her shop than one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that I didn’t want the girl with me and with the fact that the shop owner didn’t want kids in her store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the shop owner is really slow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl and Jis for my irritation while they were fooling around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that a open belt means making out. Instead of seeing that this opinion is formed in my mind through media and society which I adopted and saw as valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl and Jis for the shock I felt due to the picture that was presented to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl and Jis for something I didn’t know if they were doing. Instead of seeing that this picture I saw was stimulating my fantasy and making all kind of assumptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I dismissed the ridiculous thought. Instead of seeing that I didn’t do SF in the moment or corrected myself immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to do no SF, because it was all hectic in that moment. So basically justified myself for being in a hectic situation and therefore not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nothing is out of the ordinary and the belt was just not functioning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having such strange thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having such strange thoughts and believing I must be sexually twisted with these thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I moved on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for her evil influences and having sex with Jis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having these twisted thoughts in my dream and justify this with saying: we do not have an alley.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having seen my son with an erection. Instead of seeing that this is a false kind of shame and saying more about me and sexuality, about me and being ashamed about my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going into the bathroom and seeing my son with an erection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having feelings of arousal after dreaming this sexual based dream. Instead of seeing that it’s pointing out where I am within my sexuality, to move on and act instead of thinking about sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having feelings of insecurity, nauseousness and shame after this sexual dream. Instead of taking it on as a point to work on/with, to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I fear these made up stories to become real. Instead of seeing that this is the mind playing around with me as long a I let it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for having sex with Jis. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself for this twisted dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not taking any responsibility with blaming the girl for all bad things in my own opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this dream is sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for participating within this pattern of not taking responsibility till the point that fantasy and realty are going to be mixed and I become a threat for my environment.

When and as I see myself participating within a point of not taking responsibility within the point of abuse. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by not taking my responsibility I allow and accept abuse. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the pattern of not taking responsibility -and participate equally.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of blaming others for not taking my own responsibility. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as blaming others and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

When and as I see myself participating within a point of not taking responsibility for my own sexuality. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by not taking this responsibility I allow and accept thoughts and fears to direct me. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the this pattern of not taking responsibility -and participate equally.

 

Following my dream 11/03/2011

This time I approached my blogging and vlogging in a different way. Normally I wrote things out and when I decided it was time to vlog about it, I felt like I had already said it all. Mind fucks like: “I already wrote it perfectly how can I ever speak/voice it in the same well said manner?” So I figured since my mind is circumventing me, I should use the same tactic to circumvent the mind. Which common sensically means that I will first speak about it and then write about it. How easy can life be? So here it goes.

Lately I’m slowing down on the point of why I immigrated to Italy and the sentence that popped up was: “following my dream”. I was indeed following a dream I had formed together with my partner P. about 10 years before we actually immigrated. The dream to live in a country with a nice warm climate and beautiful houses. A country where food is appreciated and where life wasn’t like rushing all the time.

In reality it’s quite cold in winter here in Central Italy and the beautiful houses are so badly build that winter is compared to what I was used in Holland quite a challenge. A challenge to keep myself warm and not spend ridiculous amounts of money on heating a house that can’t be heated. The food that is so extremely appreciated here, is over valued and imbedded within traditions. Life here is as stressful as anywhere, people mostly work 2 jobs to keep clear from debts. Only the elderly live still the life of old without a lot of stress. So looking at the facts in real life and comparing them to the dream reasons I had, the dream reasons are inconsistant with the real ones.

When reality and ideas and dreams do not meet one can get frustrated. I on the other hand justified all the inconsistencies, which is in a way suppressing frustrations. It’s almost funny to see how a thought, wich is energy based, brought me within my reality at the other end of Europe and  still facing the same points I had to face while in Holland.

What is a dream really, it’s this romantic idea. A not realistic way of portraying an idealistic picture within my mind. It’s like chasing a ghost and every time when you think you caught it, the ghost disappears like fluid through your hands. If you do not awaken out of such a dream, you can easily keep chasing the ghost for the rest of your life. I wasn’t planning to, I saw what I created and stopped chasing it. I will simply work with what is here within reality, where I put myself into, and I will face the points that need to be faced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to chase a dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to chase energy, instead of seeing that it isn’t real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to get frustrated for the inconsistency within thought/idea and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to not speak after writing out points to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to demand perfection from myself within speaking and not seeing that by doing so I was limiting myself and discouraging myself to speak.

 

My visit to the farm 07/02/2011

This morning I paid a visit to the Desteni farm in South Africa, while lying in bed and dreaming extensively. Over the past 2 years I haven’t had that many dreams, the one’s I had were after waking up mostly not more then a blur or a vague emotional feeling. This one was vivid and almost like a dream within a dream. I was already able to reflect within the dream about the events. This experience made me decide to write the dream down right away, before this one like the others ends up at the dream-graveyard. In this blog I will look at my current life  and see if I understand my dream and where it fits in with the points that I’m struggling with.

I was at the farm and my partner P. and my daughter A. were there with me because they apparently had brought me to South Africa. While sitting in this kind of waiting room, decorated with old fashioned antique furniture, I noticed I wasn’t the only one that had arrived. P. started pacing trough space from one side of the room to the other while having his earplug in and having loud Italian work related phone calls. A. was sitting with me at a table and at a certain moment I asked them to leave, I was going to stay at the farm and they were going home anyway, so why not now. I was ashamed of P.’s unconsidered behavior and felt this desire for them to leave. A. didn’t throw a fit and she said goodbye in a normal way without crying and losing grip on her emotions, knowing that she was without me for a month. So P. and A. had left and from behind me a huge man started talking to me in Dutch. I was puzzled I didn’t know him and why the hell was he speaking Dutch. He said: ” that must have been hard to say goodbye to your daughter?” In an automated way I answered him and said that it was no big deal or even a problem, then I looked him in the face and said as snapping out of this automated state: “yes, indeed that hurts, I never admitted this before when having to say goodbye to her, but it does hurt.”

Going to the farm for a study trip is something that I desire to do, not necessarily now or within the next year, but at one point within my proces. Due to the lack of financial means this is regarded by me as fantasy.

The old furniture represents within my currents world, not wanting to join others for the sake of joining and not wanting the newest hottest appearance knowing and experiencing that  I’m able to be okay with who I am. I came to this conclusion recently that I, since long, am at ease with myself even when looking at my appearance, evil points, gaps and inflexible habits. These points are there to be adressed and can be helped.

The behavior of P. represents me reacting or being agitated about the behavior of others, while I’m only reacting within myself. Also this point I have been working on recently.

A. not crying when she is going to miss me for several hours up to like here a month is a reflection of the agreement which we are establishing together. Being equals who can learn from each other and reach out to each other. Also a point that I’m working with right now.

The huge man talking to me in Dutch represents me struggling me with my “identity”. I am Dutch, living in Italy and expressing my state of mind in English. I noticed recently that in saying “I am Dutch” I’m not only talking about facts it’s also emotions and identity, therefore ego. Since this week I decided to see this languages I speak just as languages and to not make any relation/connection with my ego. Languages are tools and that’s it.

The part of feeling hurt when leaving A. from my side is an old issue. When I brought her to elementary school she loudly cried after I said goodbye and begged me to take her home. School was clearly damaging her and that was cutting through my mother heart and making it difficult to leave her at school only because the law ordered me to do so. I’ve always suppressed this feeling in order to be strong for the both of us, but in the end didn’t serve anything then secret mind turbo thoughts and making the wrong decisions with emotions as starting point.

The next moment I was in my room, the one I was going to stay in for the next month. It didn’t resemble the rooms at the farm at all. I missed the part if Bernard entered the room or was already there when I entered the room, but he was there and I was there. We spoke right away about a lot of things, during this conversation he switched on little buttons that were all over the room. All that we said was recorded and that took me out of some sort of fuddle kind of stage. This scene was kind of vage as if I looked through a veil of mist. All of  a sudden I realised that all that I said counted and I was held responsible for. So at first the conversation had this cuddling kind of feeling which ended up in a feeling of almost anxiety though wanting to say the things in self-honesty, but at the same time looking for this back door to get my feet in between. I didn’t want to be pinned down on my words. During this conversation I was unpacking my bag and found out that I had packed A. her toiletry and no tooth brush. So Bernard handed me a disposable one and said: “we have enough don’t worry about these things.” This searching for the tooth brush was occupying/consuming me totally as in trying to escape from this dream reality.

This part is really fascinating, I was glad to be at the farm, almost like a relief. When I noticed the buttons and the fact that I was held accountable for what I was saying I felt checked. First it was almost as this pink cloud I was on and then the violin music stopped with a scratch and reality kicked in. I became really anxious about these buttons and I didn’t feel able or ready to talk about all that would come up or come out. I started distracting myself with trifling issues like the tooth brush. Right now I am at a point where I’m doing really well within blogging each and every day, but my vlogging is subject to a major amount of excuses and justifications, some are relevant or even facts and others are plain bullshit and delaying my process. Also on this part I decided to make changes and not allowing and accepting back door behavior anymore.

Before I realised it I found myself in another room also decorated in an old fashioned manner like a museum. I was standing besides a table where there were several ladies with their coat on and knitted hats on. The knitted hats were too big so they all had pinned with hair pins these hats to their head and hair. The border was knitted too loose and I was completely losing myself within the hats of these ladies. I felt the desire to concentrate on my conversation with them, but it was hard. I asked them what they were doing at the farm and they said: ” we are very religious ladies and we are helping out here at the farm.” I interpreted “helping out” as in serving services. Then I walked away from them to another part of the room, the room was completely open on one side and there were cinema seats to sit and look outside, at the open part. I was again sitting there with strangers, I did laugh a lot since I had arrived and I felt not okay with all my laughing which I normally not do that much. Within this moment I awoke and was back in Italy again.

The ladies with the strange knitted hats represent  my issue I had with my funny hat several weeks ago. I worked through that point and wear my hat a lot now in winter, without any shame or identity grant. The point of letting go of this point of ego/identity in general isn’t that easy. The desire for it is there, but it’s quite hard to get really stable within this point, it’s still a process to be completed.

The very religious ladies was a point I struggled with a few weeks back when I had an encounter with Jehovah Witness ladies. In this dream I walked away from these ladies and that’s what I’m practising in real life to not take the baite of my Jehovah clients anymore.

Sitting in the cinema seats out in the open is my experience of opening up and exposing myself to strangers on the internet to share my process.

The fact that I had been laughing throughout the dream represent a feeling of not completely being at ease, still having anxieties and resistances within my process. I’m not judging myself for it, it’s quite a bumpy road and I can save the laughing for afterwards when I realise what was holding me back or holding me in fear and to see that it was so unreal. A good old laugh and then up to the next point within my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire visiting the farm and dismissing it as a fantasy, instead of working to the point of achieving it within common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that languages are emotional things and building blocks of my identity, instead of seeing the as tools.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within secret mind thoughts when it comes to schools, instead of confronting the school with their behavior and the consequences of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave room for back door mentality, instead of facing the point, working it through and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let ego direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no dreams when I slept or any recollection of it.

 

Immigrating my thoughts about the system 26/12/2010

About 4 years ago I  immigrated together with my partner P. and 2 kids from Holland to Italy. We finally did what we always had dreamed about, but was that really the case?

Throughout the years in Holland I had been building up a lot of negativity and anger, in short I was fed up with Holland. I had difficulties with the school system, the law, mental healthcare, healthcare in general and the way people were living together within the country.

The school system

With our daughter A. I experienced the school system again for the first time after I had left school myself. In that period of time it was cool to have an intellectually gifted child, something I wasn’t aware of at that time. When I told the kindergarten teacher that A. was already able to read she approached us as liars and we became yet another pair of parents who wanted to show of with their kid to get attention. When I asked if the school could assist A. with writing exercises, so I wouldn’t learn it to her in a different way as the school would, the teacher said no. The teacher told me that if A. started with writing exercises she would be bored if she went to the first grade of elementary school. I was really pissed to say the least. A. started to hate school, I hated her school, I hated the teachers for seeing my child as a number and not seeing what she really was capable of, I hated the parents who learned their kids an act to show their kids of at the teachers as being gifted. This hate and anger made us change schools many times. Till I decided to start homeschooling the kids myself. A bad choice, because by law Dutch parents are not allowed to homeschool their children. So we came into contact with the law.

The law

I home schooled my kids for about a year. It took the education department of the municipality almost a year to find out that our kids were not registered at any school in our city. I felt like I outsmarted the system for not finding me yet. Apart from the fear of being discovered/exposed we had a great year. I hooked up with other parents who had done the same and we did educational field trips together to keep the costs low and it was fun for these kids to meet other home schooled kids. I went from Almere to Zutphen every Friday to join a private school, this was like an outdoor farm school and quite effective for the kids to recover from their experiences within the school system. Also once  a week I went to the local swimmingpool to teach them how to swim. They learned their basics faster than they did in school and it was far more fun, both kids had acces to internet and worked on their own computer. Even now after 5 years they say: ” Do you remember mom how much fun it was to do school at home?” When the education department found us we had several conversations with our contact person, but nevertheless we had to go to court. We wrote our own defense and thought that the judge would read such a document, but apparently not according to her words. In court there was also a person from the education department who we never had seen or spoken to, he told a story about us that was most incorrect. We were not allowed to react to his story about our wrong doing within the law. The judge told a general story that could have been any other parents situation. In short, we were bad parents and were send home on probation for 2 years and had each to pay a fine of €350,-. I was wildly, again we were a number within the system and not allowed to argue the system. I hated the judge and the education department.

Mental healthcare

We went with A. to a mental institution to do some tests. A. started off as an open and communicative smart child around the age of 4 this identity went into reverse and we didn’t know what to do about it. We even didn’t understand the whole situation. Since there is only mental healthcare in the capacity of psychiatry, we went to this institution. Many many test they’ve done on A., in our first evaluation conversation they diagnosed A. with almost all mental disorders available. I went into a shock and blamed myself for her having these conditions. I cried a lot in that period and my kids still remember that vividly. Every other conversation we had at this institution they scored out a few mental disorders till the last conversation in which our contact person said that there was nothing wrong with A. She suggested nevertheless medication for A. and counseling for me and A. The institution kept these records for 5 years and it was available for any doctor or insurance company to check. I was mad at them for their pottering work and how they led me into this emotional turmoil. I never let anybody check my kids mentally again, I feared the system for what they were capable of.

Healthcare

Healthcare has led me down so many times and it was no secret that I was a number within this system and I could not ask for more than the system was capable of giving me. My family doctor removed once a cyste in my groin and mutilated me with her stich work. I once went in for a 5 yearly smear and left the practise bleeding and ended up with a mild inflammation due to a dysfunctioning nurse. I asked for help with breast feeding A. and sat a few hours in this clinic with A. sucking on my  breast when they finally said to me: “you’ve got too much stress, you’ve got to stay in bed and avoid any stress and get your child on baby formula.” I didn’t had any stress and after I started with this formula I wasn’t able to accumulate any milk again and A. turned into a Michelin puppet through this food. This are only a few examples, but the list goes on and on. I simply do not trust doctors and nurses since they keep on messing things up.

The way people were living together within the country

People were living together but yet not knowing each other. When I got married and left my apartment in a wedding dress my neighbors didn’t even notice the event. At neighborhood parties only the people who knew each other spoke to each other and it was no use talking to these groups. People really didn’t give a shit about each other it was all about the outside and the value of their house bought with money from the bank. Holland was doing great and nobody was willing to ask themselves how that could be. P. and I already talked about the financial crisis in 2005, but we were pessimists and didn’t understand economics. Maybe I didn’t understand all about economics, but in common sense it wasn’t that hard to see that the world went into chaos. Al these dishonesties I was sick of it and mad at the same time. I needed a change of air and our immigration dream looked like the perfect quick fix to me. Than people started expressing how we lived what they were dreaming about and I felt even sicker about humanity. How afraid are we that instead of real living we want to live somebody else’s life? I was simply mad, angry, disappointed and ready to leave the country. By doing so I immigrated all my thoughts/emotions/feelings about the system, so my quick fix was only quick and not at all sustainable let alone self-honest. So now I’m living at the foot of a mountain, which was exactly my dream, dealing with all the bagage I moved along. You see, I didn’t change, only the scenery did.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel pissed at the teacher who didn’t want to assist A. with writing exercises.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel misunderstood by A.’s teachers.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate the school and the teachers of my kids for seeing us as a number.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate the parents who in self interest spoiled the education system for those kids who just did what they were capable of, no tricks and dishonesties.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act within anger and hate and changed my kids schools many times.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to homeschool my kids knowing that it was illegal and then starting to blame the system.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel angry about the education apartment for not really helping us and in the end stabbing us in the back, instead of seeing that we disobeyed the system and therefore had to pay for the consequences.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel myself a number within the system and therefore I was taking it all personal.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate the judge and the education department for not assisting and supporting us, not seeing that the system only helps those who obey.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cry a lot and blaming myself for the condition A. was in.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that A.’s vaccination is the cause of her change in mental behavior so I do not have to feel guilty anymore, apart from the fact if this believe is true or not.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel mad at the mental institution for messing up big time, while when I later did my research I found out that they had done the same to many other parents. So instead of being my directive principal I gave my faith in the hands of a system mental institution.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the institution for my emotional turmoil while I could have seen in common sense without any fear that what they were saying was bullshit.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the system and out of this fear I never let anybody check my kids mental health.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel mad at the nurse who messed my smear up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear going in for a smear out of the previous experience I had.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame big farma for collecting my physical information by taking a smear and get me into the health system for no other reason than profit.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear healthcare and therefore not use this care often and rather suffer without any medical support.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sick of the dishonesties, instead of seeing that I am a reflection of society and therefore living in dishonesty myself. Only I can change myself and no longer accept and allow the dishonesties within myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel mad, angry, and disappointed on the country I was living in, instead of realizing that these feelings were mine and would travel along with me where ever I’ll go.