2012 Unraveling fears; losing direction 29/03/2012

In accordance with the fear month at Desteni I’m going to investigate a fear of mine that exist within me for quite a while. This fear became part of my personality and I used to say, with quite some confidence, phrases like: “I am a person without a sense of direction”. Back then such sentences would not alarm me at all, now when I look at it, I feel this shock going through my body and I see what I wrote down. This fear exist still within me, the fear of getting lost. The only difference is that I will not define myself to it anymore and I will not freak out over it anymore. I mean what does it say about a person who has no sense of direction and fears to get lost? It’s a person that fears to direct herself and fears the consequential outflow of it, meaning getting lost in mind realities without even experiencing real life. Looking at it now within more awareness, this fear is more like getting lost within my mind where this fear exist as part of my personality.

As far as I can see now this fear started more or less in my adolescent years. The years that I became independent and no longer holding my parents hand to guide me step by step. This period in a human life where we decide to do all things different than our parents did. I started noticing that whenever I went shopping I would not know which direction to take when coming out of a store. This slightly panicing  feeling of not knowing whether I should go left or right, entering for a moment this vacuum where only fear exist. Looking back now at this experience/feeling it sounds pretty much like my mind, back then I perceived it as my reality. My mind was my soulmate, the only one I could trust and the only one that stayed with me no matter what. How could I be more wrong within trusting my mind reality and being fucked over many many times. In a way it’s like an abusive relationship, my/our relationship with our minds. It’s all we have and we know it’s not only bad things that makes us stay. How many times do we want to change ourselves/our minds and how many times do we fail? Isn’t that the same with abusive relationships, hoping that you can change the other? So I, at the moment, am walking step by step out of my mind, no longer participating within abuse as self-sabotage/ abuse as reflection of my inner world superimposed on my outer world. A life time commitment to be finally able to truly live here in every breath without any mind reality bullshit.

Getting back to the practical reality of this fear, it started of with not knowing where I physically was situated, the moment I had to take a decision about directions like going left or right. Then I started fearing to get lost into the woods. I love to hike in the woods, but based on my experiences I feared going alone into the woods and feared to get lost. So here one can see the immense limitation fears are having over us. Instead of simply going into the woods, I now had to phone several friends, which I knew had a sense of direction, to manipulate them into going into the woods with me. I say manipulate, because my original thought was, I like to go into the woods. Instead of I like to go into the woods with this specific person. Therefore my starting point was one of dishonesty, since I dependent on another to fullfil my desire/want. Whenever I did trick another into going into the woods, I wasn’t able to enjoy being there. The whole time I would or be glad I had someone with me to guide me through the woods or I would fear what could have happened if I didn’t have this person with me. Here the mindfuck unfolds itself nicely. Hiking became hiking within my mind reality without being in touch with my outer surroundings. I am asking myself why did I bother to go into the woods anyways? Watching pictures of a wood and getting lost into my mind would have generated the same experience. So hiking wasn’t an experience of being equal with nature, the feel of the wind, the smell of the forest, the sounds of the animals, no it was instead an experience based in energy.

I mean what does it say when I fear to get lost? What does it say when I do not trust my sense of direction? It’s all pointing to me and my willingness to direct myself. I fear to direct myself and take fully responsibility for the steps I have to take within my life. Fearing to get lost within my mind is a real trap.  When I stop the connection with my physical reality and merely exist within my mind and be guided by my own mind, I will be totally lost within feelings/emotions/fears. That’s life how most of us experience life. I fear or feared that I did not have a sense of direction, but we all have the ability/choice wether to direct ourselves or not. We do not need a sense/feeling for that. And whenever I am not my directive principle I do get lost within feelings/emotions/fears. Exactly that, these feelings/emotions/fears, are the home of my mind. So this fear is not the fear of having no sense of direction or the fear to get lost, it’s the fear of having to direct myself and the responsibility that comes along with it. Not trusting myself or seeing myself as trustworthy to be able to direct myself within Self-honesty.

When going again back into the practicality of this fear to get lost, I remember my first job as a social worker, I had to visit my clients throughout quite a big region. I bought my first car and a street guide for that specific region. Navigation devices for the car didn’t exist back then, so I only had maps to go from while driving. To ensure myself to get on time at my clients houses I would ask them for detailed directions, so again trusting another being to guide me. There was one thing I hadn’t realised, when people give directions to either go left or right, people tend to mix or mess those two directions up. Once I had a client who literally reversed all right turns for left turns. I ended up in a totally different location within that city with no cell phone, those were not very common back then. The only solution was stopping at a petrol pump and ask them for directions and calling my client at a call box that I had some delay. Within this whole process of getting into my car with the directions of my client, I already felt this anxiety of not trusting the situation. I mostly checked my street guide wether the street was mentioned or not, to give me this sense of preparedness. While driving on these directions I would ask myself at any left or right turn wether this was true, wether I was proceeding in the right direction. So I was doubting every step I took. The feeling is one of being blindfolded and guided by someone you do not know/trust. I always asked for landmarks in order to be able to check if I either was driving into the wrong direction or doing well. So after missing out on 2 or 3 landmarks my heart would accelerate. Thoughts would come up like: I will never arrive, I am lost, how will I get out of here, I need someone to guide me etcetera. Whenever I would arrive at a clients house I was already so pumped up with this energetic experience, that I needed some time to calm down and be able to do my job. So I did some chit chatting in the beginning of my visit to cover up my state of mind. I am asking myself now how effective I was within my job, I must have missed out on points to assist the other, since that was my job, due to not being here in the moment.

I have been working on this fear over the last few years, but never had taken the time to really look into it. Practically I can see the trigger point now when I go into anxiety due to this fear. It’s the moment before traveling where I go into my mind to prepare myself and find only fear and lack of trust. Mostly when I planned a trip by car to places I’m more or less familiar with, I talk the route through with my partner. What happens then is I see the trip within my mind like a film. This film all of a sudden stops and a blank/black appears. After a few seconds I start the film again where I left off and then I totally freak out. I already within that point of blackness would fear to get lost, based on the black hole experience. Getting back here/the physical was always quite difficult, since I didn’t trust myself enough to get out of my mind. I feared my physical reality and I completely trusted my mind reality, that’s so funny in a way and totally in reverse. Only when I restored this connection between those separated fragments of film again, I felt safe enough/trusted myself enough to do the car trip. Whenever I would go and still not restored this connection I would freak out in the car again, being sure that I would never arrive and got lost forever. Again here a lot of limitation I’ve imposed onto myself, never being able to spontaneously go somewhere without having stomach aches and anxiety.

Last week I planned to drive to the capital city of our region with the kids to buy some shoes and fabric for new clothing. Still being separated from my partner, who works in the Netherlands, I was on my own for directions. So as usual when my partner is present I got into the car when I decided to go and drove off. With almost no LPG nor gasoline in the car I decided to take the first petrol pump and fill up. It was closed, which is quite extraordinary. The second one also closed and the third one had self service on the gasoline, so I inserted money in a machine and got some expensive gasoline to get me to a next pump for my LPG. Anxiety was building up of not knowing where to go for the necessarily fuel to get anywhere for that matter. Then we entered the toll road and right after the toll gates we had to make a choice which direction to take. Non of the two choices seemed common sense to me, my daughter said it’s the left one, so I turned left. After a while I recognized the scenery and became more confident, the anxiety subsided. When we were finished shopping and had to go home we entered the toll road again. Right after the toll gates again two direction to choose from, but this time non of us knew which one was the right direction. Here in Italy the direction on the highway is the biggest city at the end of this highway, this generates a lot of confusion within me since I do not know the Italian road system by heart. We took the wrong turn and due to work in progress we could not exit the highway before driving 30 km. I left the toll road to get to the other side and asked a policeman how to get there and wether he knew about gas pumps being closed, since I still hadn’t found any LPG. He wasn’t aware of any strike what so ever and recommended a gas pump not far away on the highway. Indeed we could fill up the car exactly where the policeman had told us, when we entered our region again all gas pumps were closed, so definitely one of the many strikes here in Italy. As much anxiety I had on my way to this capital city as less anxiety I had when taking the wrong turn on the toll road. I realised within that moment that I was not prepared at all for this trip, I had no map or navigator so yeah I should be concerned when it comes to finding my directions. I could have easily stopped the car and look at a map where to go. I knew I had to walk my consequences in real time and that nothing much would happen to me except of using up more fuel than necessary. I mean there was no real fear or danger, at a certain point I would find my way again and drive home. And that was exactly what happend, we all took our responsibility and watched the signs for directions. We debunked my fear of lost, because I didn’t get lost as in getting lost forever. I calmed myself down by stopping this fear in the moment, I breathed through it, did Self-forgiveness and directed the point and myself.

So the bottom line here is trust, I wasn’t able to trust myself within being my directive principle and ready to deal with the consequences of my acts. Now I am and walk the consequences step by step, breath by breath, to learn from them and not repeat it again. My mind isn’t my soulmate anymore, it’s a tool/measurement and not something to participate/induldge within. I am my best friend as me as my body and mind and there is no need to sabotage it, since that would only reflect in my outer world and therefore harm/abuse others. Once we understand that doing what is best for all includes all and therefore also me/us, there is no valid reason to abuse/sabotage life and to reverse our evolution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to personify myself with not having a sense of direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting lost. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself enough to see that I am capable of directing/guiding myself throughout my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose mind reality over the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear as normal and common sense/directive principles as non existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is normal and acceptable to go through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to panic when entering this fear of getting lost, instead of directing myself by slowing down and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive my mind as my soulmate, instead of seeing that my physical body is the reason why I live on this planet and my mind is a tool to see what I’ve  accepted and allowed during my presence on this earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my fear of getting lost limit myself to such an extend that I wasn’t able to spontaneously go hiking/ take a car trip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others for the sake of my desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to go hiking alone due to the fear of getting lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect within dishonesty with my friends to get their guidance while hiking, instead of seeing that I could have asked to asst me with finding my way out in the woods.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to enjoy hiking in the moment out of a constant fear of getting lost or being preoccupied with thoughts/scenarios of what if I get lost.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I can always choose to direct myself in the best interest of all and fear will not really prohibit my choice to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust another to guide me, instead of seeing that only I can direct myself within self-responsibility with the assistance and support of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my directions to a certain address, instead of seeing that I was not able to trust myself. Within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and instead believed I would harm myself without the guidance of another.

I forgive myself that I haven’t  accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility for my life.

When and as I see myself participating within a trigger point of going into my mind to prepare myself before traveling. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by going into my mind I will not be here within the physical. I will instead participate within emotions/feelings/fears which results in not trusting myself or seeing myself as trustworthy to be able to direct myself within Self-honesty. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the lack of self-trust -prepare myself physically before traveling and participate equally.

The dentist 09/03/2011

After breaking a tooth last Thursday, my partner P. finally got hold on the dentist on Friday. Just for financial reasons I wanted to go to this particular dentist, knowing by experience that he delivers good work for a fair price. The dentist had room for me on Tuesday, so I accepted the appointment and ate 5 days on one side of my mouth to avoid damaging more.

All days while waiting for my appointment, when the dentists was popping up in my mind, I felt calm. Normally, even for a check up, I had a lot of anxiety. Especially while waiting in the waiting room it was almost unbearable. Now while entering the waiting room I was just entering a waiting room. There was nobody in the waiting room except us and one patient inside the surgery room.

I asked P. to come along in case the dentist was going to ask me things I wouldn’t understand or in case I wasn’t able to explain. Also my daughter A. came along, just for the fun, she likes these things.

The patient who was in before us was ready to leave and the dentist said: “give me a second to clean up”, within that moment between thinking I’m going in but I actually wasn’t and the real going in, I felt a little bit of anxiety. This anxiety faded away once I was inside the surgery room and saw his familiar face. It had all to do with trust as I wrote about before.

I told him what happend and I was actually capable of doing so, before he had a look. He wasn’t alarmed about what he saw, he was more surprised to see my old amalgam filling. He explained to me that he was going to drill out the old filling and put some medication inside the hole and close it again with a paste. This was a temporary solution to avoid infection and within 10 days he will take out the paste and fill the hole with white composite filling and restore the piece that broke off.

While he was drilling I didn’t feel any anxiety for the amount of pain he would let me go through. No anxiety of not trusting him. Which made me see how much this trusting is of the mind. I trust people with whom I had good experiences and memories before and do not trust people who I had bad experiences and memories with before. So I was never ever in the moment while being at the dentists. While being in the moment for most of the time I saw that it was just drilling out a filling and through breathing I stayed in the moment and took it for what it was. Quite a new experience.

The first hour it felt as if he had put chewing gum into my tooth, but it hardend very quickly. I was glad I had gone to let it fix and not waited out of saving money till the point that it would have become even worse. I told P. that next time I would go all by myself, it wasn’t hard to find at all. It’s a 20 minute drive to a town in our area. That’s also a point of anxiety for me to drive somewhere new and keeping track of where I am.

I believe that I do not have a sense of direction, this belief is based on all the memories I gathered throughout my life. All those memories have been confirming the previous memories and that’s how I held this anxiety in position. I completely lose it when I see within my mind how to drive and all of a sudden there is this missing part and at the same time I can see how to drive next to the blanco part on my mind map. Or reality is inconsistant with the picture of the map in my mind. I’ll simply freak out and imagine to never come home again. Also this experience is so unnecessary, just slowing down and preparing myself so I know what I’m doing would be enough.

It’s time to deal with the past, slow down and seeing the things for what they are without any energetic attachments.

We met the teacher on the pedestal… 13/12/2010

Tonight were the parents interviews for my daughter A.’s year and not in January as we first thought. It started at 4 o’clock and when we arrived the school was already crowded with parents and students. We decided to get in line for mathematics, we waited at least 45 minutes. In total we spoke to 3 teachers, because then the time was up. Out of the 3 teachers the one from math was the only one that was able to speak on a honest and equal level with us. He was the one who saw that A. had made quite some progress emotionally, compared to last semester. We were “hopeful” and got into the next line for the class tutor who teaches Italian, geography and history. We waited over an hour in front of the class room, many parents claimed to be in front of the other because their kid had been already in line waiting. These kids were no where to see anymore and in the end the chaos was complete. What started off as a line of waiting people was just a group of people that gathered and watched the door of the class room carefully to plunge into the room whenever the door opened. At a certain point I didn’t know anymore if I was fooled or not, so I didn’t start an argument over it. It started snowing and people got more restless than before.

When we finally were allowed to go into the class room, I was physically tired of standing in the hallway for almost 2 hours in a row and we only had been speaking to 1 teacher so far. While waiting I felt this energy starting accumulating inside myself, memories of the already so many parents interviews we’ve done over the past 9 years. So many teachers who spoke, but rather not had spoken, because they spoke out of dishonesty/believes/ideas/opinions. It all made me so mad over the years. Teachers who spoke about children as if they were a number and talking behind the child’s back. Also the memories of myself while being in school are connected to this, teachers who told me who I was without even having had a good look. Yes, this energy was one of anger and of never ever having stood up for me or my child, only acting out of emotions and feelings. So we sat down with this teacher who never sees progress even if it’s in her face. We had been correcting her in a note that we had to sign about homework that according to her wasn’t done, but in fact A. had done it. Of course she referred to it and we only said the same as in the note. This is the teacher that sees all students as equally within her mind, but in real life has obvious preferences. And than out of the blue she said: ” I do treat every student equally, I do not have preferences and all students get grades on the same grounds”. We watched her carefully while she was stating this out of the blue. She started coughing and getting uncomfortable. She didn’t picture A. attending the lyceum and prepare herself for university. “Why isn’t she going to do something artistic or something with languages”, she said. Than I got mad, I said: ” It’s up to A. to make this choice and in the current world there are not many jobs for translators and artists”. I studied art and my partner P. is translator and it doesn’t provide bread on the table and that’s not just now but already the case for several years. The teacher didn’t understand me properly, I was quite mad and had a hard time making any sense so I left it there. So no standing up. I was mad about teachers that have to prepare our kids for our world/society and they do not know anything about it. Choosing a job that’s in the best interest for all that’s what counts, all other jobs are vanity or greed based.

Another 30 minutes and we were able to meet with the teacher on the pedestal who told our daughter that her parents weren’t allowed to talk back when signing a note of him. When we came in he said: ” So you are the parents of A.?” , and than he said lets talk about the little one. We looked at each other, the little one? He wanted to discuss our son J. who is in his first year. I said: “We are here to talk about A.”. After that he started unwillingly. He did a whole story about how A. was unwilling to copy things from the blackboard or even later from her classmates. We didn’t know what to say since this sounded as quite a weird story to us, but A. wasn’t there to verify it. Then he said she didn’t study, but her technical drawings were okay. Consequently he showed us her grade list with almost all low grades. I didn’t know what to say, we had been signing for all grades so far and A. showed hardly any insufficient grades. When the note came into the conversation, we again told him that A.’s background wasn’t the same as the others and that she’s living in Italy only for 4 years now. He wasn’t impressed, only his own truth was reality.

When we tried to speak to another teacher she was already packing and leaving, so we decided to go home. What a useless and ineffective way of using our time. This whole circus is for parents to be reassured about their kids and for the teachers to have a moment to hedge themselves.

When we were home at 7 o’clock we confronted A. with the information we got from the teachers. What I suspected was true, these 2 grown ups had been lying flatly in our faces. The teacher on the pedestal had never ever checked if A. had copied the materials from the blackboard and he had never told her bout the majority of her grades. We also discussed J. with this teacher so I also saw his grades and asked him if he knew about these and he didn’t. So these students have no clue how they are doing according to their grades and they have no idea for what assignments these grades were, isn’t that dishonest and giving students a disadvantage within their semester? Why is a teacher lying towards parents? I was also angry at him, I was ready to expose him but I wasn’t sure if I was right in that moment. Exposing him out of the starting point of anger hadn’t been a good idea either. I replayed the conversations at home and discovered more inconsistencies, but confronting them with it is just bumping against the limitations of the education system. Lets put all these kind of teachers in a rehab camp as long as they are a threat to our children. When they understand self honesty, don’t do to another what you don’t want to be done onto you and what’s best for all, they can be released within society. A new society where the Equal Money System rules where there isn’t any place for teachers who do not see their students equal to themselves and where high education means preparing our children for life and teach about the living word and self forgiveness. It sounds like a dream, but we’re not as far from it as you might think.

On this point of anger towards teachers and the education system I will have to do a mind construct to get more clarity in that one, but for now some self forgiveness on the points that are obvious in the face.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let the energy accumulate within me and let it direct me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry and therefore not being able to express myself sufficient.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand for myself and my child.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within  school memories and use that as a blueprint for next school experiences.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless when it comes to the teachers of my kids and kids in general. Not having any trust in teachers.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing teachers while they are lying, out of not trusting my starting point and the information I have within that moment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel like a teen again in front of the teacher on the pedestal and almost wanting to spit him in the face.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become anger and not seeing that it’s anger towards myself for not standing up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel unfairness instead of seeing that by participating within this feeling I make myself the victim and unable to direct myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be certain and not directing myself within my life.

Diet update 04/12/2010

Last Monday I stripped all food and beverages except for water from my diet. I started with carrots Monday and added first slowly a new food type to my diet, now I’m adding a few new food types every meal. The reason for this radical diet was an overall bad feeling in my body and overproducing of mucus and heartburn after eating food. This feeling has been slowly manifesting itself through time, for how long it has been I do not really know, at least half a year. I’m testing the food by eating it and watching if there occurs a physical reaction. If there is a reaction than I’ll test through muscle communication what within this food or the whole food is giving me this reaction. The foods that give me a physical reaction I put on a list to be tested with muscle communication. This to find out what this food is presenting to me, which feelings/emotions/thoughts are attached to it, so I can work it through and diffuse those points. The foods that are now a no way area, can be in the future food that I will eat again. I created this reaction on the food so I can de-create this reaction and move on.

Till so far I have reactions to: potatoes, pineapple, pistache nuts, polenta, two types of beans, wholemeal flower, oregano powder and chili powder. The reactions go from a lot of mucus to heartburn to burping and regurgitation. These heavy reactions I have now, while doing the experiment, I never had before. It’s all really in the face and pointing out to me that I have to take responsibility within these points and direct myself. The further I get in process the more obvious the points are and impossible to get around. I really want to take them on and till so far I’m not even overwhelmed although I have lots of points to work on. I’m here in every moment and take on whatever is possible within that moment and breath.

I’m going to test through the wholemeal flower today to see what it is telling about me and my process.

Trustable is the feeling that is attached to it. After searching for the definition in my dictionary I tested the following sentence; will you trust us till payday? Is this about trust in others or trust in myself? It’s about trust in myself. Has this point anything to do with  my partner P.’s unemployment? Yes, it does. Does it also have to do with the small jobs we do to sustain ourselves wherein we’re always in fear, because of the imbalance of incoming and out going amounts of money? Yes, also this point is valid within the tested feeling of trustable. So I do not trust myself within the point of bringing enough money home to pay the bills? Yes. Is this not trusting a worry that has arisen out of common sense or is it a fear from the mind? Okay it’s a fear coming from the mind, therefore not real.  Indeed not real, because I started DIP and are the recruiter of two recruits, so in time the more recruits there will be, my income will increase.

To give myself more clarity I tested for a book and found the following piece; “Intellectually I know that no task is too big for Self. But emotionally I’m just not sure. Not so much if Self can handle it, but more if Self will intervene”. Where I put the word Self the book said God. I tested if I could replace God with Self and it tested for yes. My interpretation of this is as following; in common sense I know that no task is too big/heavy for myself, but my mind gives me these fears that make me “think” that I will fail. Than I’m doubting if I will act when things get too though.

This is really cool, the point of unemployment was obvious already in my face. The underlining emotion was not really in my face. So these sudden food reactions are helping me through the most important points right now. Wow I’m really grateful for this process I’m giving myself!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the food types I listed till so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to trust myself within the job point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my capability of earning enough money to sustain myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to earn enough money to sustain myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not trusting myself within earning money, while I know that this fear is of the mind and will only limit myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fear so I limit myself within earning enough money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself when it comes to acting and intervening when things get though.