Cheese 30/12/2010

While I was figuring out which topic to use for my blog tonight, after eating a pizza with cheese, I decided to write about my reaction to cows cheese. In that same moment while taking this decision, I (or better said my mind) for a moment saw the topic cheese as something inferior to all other topics, whatever those may be. It was in a flash and I do not really recall if it were words or images in which my ego spoke to me, but the bottom line was that I could do better than writing about cheese. Just in this fraction of a second I could decide to participate within my ego, but I rather choose not. I saw the deception, dishonesty in tricking me in specialness, fear of not writing good enough and all that would be triggered by this specialness and fear for inferiority.

In fact I was doubting between 2 topics, cheese and more about sexuality since it’s a “hot” subject right now for me. I decided to leave the sexuality point for a moment to not feed it and make it more special, all points in process are equally relevant. So I wil start with cheese, it’s a point from my diet series that needs its follow up.

I had a pizza tonight with cheese, right now this is the only dish in wich I still eat cheese. Nevertheless the cheese gives me a lot of mucus after eating, for half an hour or so. So what represents cow cheese and what definition do I give to it?

The first word I muscle communicated is “bubble” . The bubble I’m living in, was my first association, the bubble that I call my reality. Then I tested the following phrase: ” Well, frustrated or not, I still ask myself how heaven can really be here, when I really do not experience it.” This sentence combined with the bubble does makes sense to me. I’m in a way frustrated with the state the current world is in and since I do not see any form of heaven on earth I prefer to stay within my bubble. To stay safe and secure from the outside world. Not seeing that I am the outside world, so I’m hiding for myself within my bubble. My biggest fear is my mind which is me as long as I participate within it. Going against it is only challenging the ego. The ego that knows me best of all, which button to push to get me down on my knees. I WILL NOT OBEY YOU, EGO, I WILL NOT. I WILL STAND UP EVEN IF IT’S AGAINST MY PRE-PROGRAMMING. So I basically hide from something I cannot hide from, it’s part of me. The only way to get rid of my mind/ego is by not participating in it’s evil thoughts/emotions/feelings. In a way I fear myself, I do not trust myself to not participate within my mind/ego. Which makes it impossible to not fear others and to trust others. So it comes all down on what process comes down at, stopping the mind/ego.

That will be  at least the next 7 years no cows cheese if I’m not willing to physically react. I probably will keep on eating my pizza with cheese, in that case that will be my point of measuring how I’m doing as far as I not already do know where I’m at when further in process.

Okay that’s it for now, lots to consider. I will never say again that one topic is less or more than the other. They’re all equal and therefore equally to be resolved. So eat your heart out ego!!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with the way my current world is in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay within my bubble since I do not see heaven on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stay within my bubble out of fear for my outside world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m safe within my bubble, instead of seeing that the real threat is coming from inside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I’m not part of my outside world a world that frustrates me and disgust me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can hide from myself within my bubble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my mind for what it’s capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within my mind which I know is the source of the mess I’m in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself which is basically not possible, but a believe I hold on to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust myself to stand stable when the mind/ego is challenging me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and not trust others due to the lack of trust and fear in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still participate within the mind and not yet stopping it.

Pain in my upper neck, left side 29/12/2010

I’ve been struggling with sexuality lately and also experiencing pain in my upper neck, left side. First I blamed it on my headphone, this one is bigger than the ear plugs I had before. Every time as I was working on my writings or SRA I experienced this pain. Although I didn’t see much common sense in the explanation of the head phones, I left the point for what it was. Till tonight, I reacted on the pain with irritation. This pain gave me the experience of my head that became heavier and heavier and almost impossible to carry. The pain tired me and I decided to look it up in Veno’s Structural Resonance works. Not really a surprise to see what it stands for: the sex system. While looking this up my left jaw became painful as well. I also looked up what this jaw pain was representing; the courage to speak up. So that’s basically what I have here in this moment to work with, let’s see where to start from here.

By suppressing my sexuality I’ve been suppressing my sex system. Yesterday and the day before I worked through a part of my shame of my sexuality/fantasies/thoughts. I realise that these fantasies and thoughts are not me, but my pre-programming. There is no need to have emotions about my pre-programming/my ego, that’s only feeding the beast. After entering the process of letting go of this shame I started to experience arousal again. Certain movements or body postures re-activated my sexual system. As much as the shame isn’t me the arousal isn’t either. Suppressing as I experienced it, is not the answer to not participating in these emotions/feelings /thoughts. The answer might be to not suppress or participate within this sexual arousal, but instead diffusing it to a neutral point. In that case it won’t be something special or something to be ashamed of. In fact not participating is recognizing what is here in the moment and seeing it for what it is, nothing more and nothing less. Okay that’s clear, that makes sense.

Then there is the jaw pain which represents the courage to speak up. I muscle communicated that point and I came out on speaking up for my body, to keep my physical healthy. In order to do that I cannot participate within emotions/feelings/thoughts, those have each of them always physical outflows/consequences. Sex or better said arousal/lust that makes me desire sex, is the outflow of wasted energy that wants to be unloaded/released. Once that’s been build up and held within my system it will follow it’s way to another outlet and that’s not a desirable situation. Therefore I need to recognize and accept my physical body since it’s the only real thing here in my existence that’s keeping me here in the physical. It’s only one life and one body to do what needs to be done.

I can see that these pains have assisted me to search a bit deeper and in another direction to see what I’ve been participating in. Now I can forgive myself and apply the corrections accordingly within my day to day life.

While I’m searching for a picture  to add to this blog I came across a picture of a pillow. Suddenly I remembered that I knew this pain in my upper neck. I’ve had it for several years as a matter a fact when this sexuality problem was current. I needed a new pillow, because the old one had to be replaced. It was an almost impossible search for the right pillow. I bought several pillows, but the pain kept returning. getting up with a upper neck pain isn’t fun. Though for so many years my body was communicating with me and I didn’t speak the same language…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my headphones for the pain I experienced in my upper neck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react on the pain in my upper neck part with irritation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the pain tired me instead of taking responsibility and direct myself in the moment when I first experienced the pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my sexuality and therefore my sex system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel arousal and for a moment see it as myself instead of seeing it as a feeling of the ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within thoughts/memories around certain movements and body postures that caused arousal within my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my body as important enough to recognize and accept it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hear my body communicating with me.

Fair Trade? 27/12/2010

In 2007 I started a little business within the black economy. For many years I was making handmade gifts for birthdays of friends and classmates of my kids. People asked me why I didn’t start a little business out of it and then I asked myself the same question. Why shouldn’t I? Back in Holland it was easy to start a business and taxes were quite fair, here in Italy on the other hand Berlusconi has made regulations wherein it is almost impossible for little businesses/free-lancers to survive. One pays easily more taxes than one earns, so one has to get a loan to pay ones taxes. The people complains, but Berlusconi keeps on being populair. Why the majority here in Italy so fateful, adoring the man who has all that they envy and all they want and they’re not willing to stand up and stop this man from destroying our country? I can only guess for the motives people have. So I started a business within the black economy, even accountants advised me to not register my business. For the law these businesses are not being properly labeled and therefore the tax box you’re belonging to is that of a normal size business and the taxes don’t fit the sales volume.

Moving within the black economy was moving within secrecy, something I didn’t feel comfortable with. I decided to stay low profile, organize Tupperware like parties at women’s houses with their own invited friends. That wasn’t easy, because it was something people are not used to do. Don’t go against the traditions and how people do things here in Italy, because one will fail. I wasn’t willing to give in so easily, but in the end I had to. When we moved into a bigger house I had my own space where I made a studio and I also started offering garments repairs and dressmaking services. I did exhibit my gifts in the studio where I received my customers for the garments repairs.

How did I start off? I launched my first product at a very low price and promoted it at the local stores so they could do some advertising for me. The grocery store did a lot of word of mouth and in one of the local wine bars I had my own glass case. My first product was a simple velt handbag with an animal sewed on it and the tail were the handles of the bag. My price was €14,50, the material costs were €5,- and the labour 8 hours. Here the price for such undeclared work is €8,- per hour, so in total the handbag would have been €69,-. I wanted a fair price to convince people buying my products. The question after 3 years I’m asking myself now is: was it a fair price? I didn’t count my own labour or cost of maintenance for my sewing machines.

I forgot a few essential points. The price of my product wasn’t that relevant in the end, if people want my products they’re going to buy it anyways. I was bribing my customers with the wrong bate. I was trying to do business outside the system with the wrong type of business. The black economy is for the big boys who sell drugs, white washing money, to go short; the Maffia. I was going against the capitalistic system and didn’t want to play along with the game for no reason at all, yes I wanted to fair trade, make a win win situation. But was I? I wasn’t paying any taxes, I didn’t get paid for my labour and made unrealistic prices. There is no common sense here.

Why was I abusing myself in such a way? I tried to survive and make a living. I was afraid that people weren’t going to buy my products, I accepted all requests and tried to think of all kinds of psychological ways to convince people into buying irresistible products. I was selling myself out and feared not being seen as good and kind and therefore not selling my products. People loved to watch my products and liked to try on my shawls, hats and bags just for the fun of it. That made me bitter while in need of money, it’s so easy to take these things as personal and get bittered.

Within an Equal Money System I would never consider to start such a business, I probably had continued making gifts for people because I enjoyed making these personal gifts. I participated within a system where we produce all kinds of products that are not of any use or purpose. Products that are only responding to the greed of people, what a waste of time.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abused myself for the sake of surviving.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not making enough money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied with money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to find the soft spot of greed into people to work with while making new products.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being seen as good and kind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest in not paying taxes although I wouldn’t have been capable of paying them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go against the capitalistic system in order to fair trade.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get bitter at people when they weren’t willing to buy my products.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ask a ridiculous low price out of fear not to sell.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself while trading within secrecy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within producing useless greedy luxury products.

Immigrating my thoughts about the system 26/12/2010

About 4 years ago I  immigrated together with my partner P. and 2 kids from Holland to Italy. We finally did what we always had dreamed about, but was that really the case?

Throughout the years in Holland I had been building up a lot of negativity and anger, in short I was fed up with Holland. I had difficulties with the school system, the law, mental healthcare, healthcare in general and the way people were living together within the country.

The school system

With our daughter A. I experienced the school system again for the first time after I had left school myself. In that period of time it was cool to have an intellectually gifted child, something I wasn’t aware of at that time. When I told the kindergarten teacher that A. was already able to read she approached us as liars and we became yet another pair of parents who wanted to show of with their kid to get attention. When I asked if the school could assist A. with writing exercises, so I wouldn’t learn it to her in a different way as the school would, the teacher said no. The teacher told me that if A. started with writing exercises she would be bored if she went to the first grade of elementary school. I was really pissed to say the least. A. started to hate school, I hated her school, I hated the teachers for seeing my child as a number and not seeing what she really was capable of, I hated the parents who learned their kids an act to show their kids of at the teachers as being gifted. This hate and anger made us change schools many times. Till I decided to start homeschooling the kids myself. A bad choice, because by law Dutch parents are not allowed to homeschool their children. So we came into contact with the law.

The law

I home schooled my kids for about a year. It took the education department of the municipality almost a year to find out that our kids were not registered at any school in our city. I felt like I outsmarted the system for not finding me yet. Apart from the fear of being discovered/exposed we had a great year. I hooked up with other parents who had done the same and we did educational field trips together to keep the costs low and it was fun for these kids to meet other home schooled kids. I went from Almere to Zutphen every Friday to join a private school, this was like an outdoor farm school and quite effective for the kids to recover from their experiences within the school system. Also once  a week I went to the local swimmingpool to teach them how to swim. They learned their basics faster than they did in school and it was far more fun, both kids had acces to internet and worked on their own computer. Even now after 5 years they say: ” Do you remember mom how much fun it was to do school at home?” When the education department found us we had several conversations with our contact person, but nevertheless we had to go to court. We wrote our own defense and thought that the judge would read such a document, but apparently not according to her words. In court there was also a person from the education department who we never had seen or spoken to, he told a story about us that was most incorrect. We were not allowed to react to his story about our wrong doing within the law. The judge told a general story that could have been any other parents situation. In short, we were bad parents and were send home on probation for 2 years and had each to pay a fine of €350,-. I was wildly, again we were a number within the system and not allowed to argue the system. I hated the judge and the education department.

Mental healthcare

We went with A. to a mental institution to do some tests. A. started off as an open and communicative smart child around the age of 4 this identity went into reverse and we didn’t know what to do about it. We even didn’t understand the whole situation. Since there is only mental healthcare in the capacity of psychiatry, we went to this institution. Many many test they’ve done on A., in our first evaluation conversation they diagnosed A. with almost all mental disorders available. I went into a shock and blamed myself for her having these conditions. I cried a lot in that period and my kids still remember that vividly. Every other conversation we had at this institution they scored out a few mental disorders till the last conversation in which our contact person said that there was nothing wrong with A. She suggested nevertheless medication for A. and counseling for me and A. The institution kept these records for 5 years and it was available for any doctor or insurance company to check. I was mad at them for their pottering work and how they led me into this emotional turmoil. I never let anybody check my kids mentally again, I feared the system for what they were capable of.

Healthcare

Healthcare has led me down so many times and it was no secret that I was a number within this system and I could not ask for more than the system was capable of giving me. My family doctor removed once a cyste in my groin and mutilated me with her stich work. I once went in for a 5 yearly smear and left the practise bleeding and ended up with a mild inflammation due to a dysfunctioning nurse. I asked for help with breast feeding A. and sat a few hours in this clinic with A. sucking on my  breast when they finally said to me: “you’ve got too much stress, you’ve got to stay in bed and avoid any stress and get your child on baby formula.” I didn’t had any stress and after I started with this formula I wasn’t able to accumulate any milk again and A. turned into a Michelin puppet through this food. This are only a few examples, but the list goes on and on. I simply do not trust doctors and nurses since they keep on messing things up.

The way people were living together within the country

People were living together but yet not knowing each other. When I got married and left my apartment in a wedding dress my neighbors didn’t even notice the event. At neighborhood parties only the people who knew each other spoke to each other and it was no use talking to these groups. People really didn’t give a shit about each other it was all about the outside and the value of their house bought with money from the bank. Holland was doing great and nobody was willing to ask themselves how that could be. P. and I already talked about the financial crisis in 2005, but we were pessimists and didn’t understand economics. Maybe I didn’t understand all about economics, but in common sense it wasn’t that hard to see that the world went into chaos. Al these dishonesties I was sick of it and mad at the same time. I needed a change of air and our immigration dream looked like the perfect quick fix to me. Than people started expressing how we lived what they were dreaming about and I felt even sicker about humanity. How afraid are we that instead of real living we want to live somebody else’s life? I was simply mad, angry, disappointed and ready to leave the country. By doing so I immigrated all my thoughts/emotions/feelings about the system, so my quick fix was only quick and not at all sustainable let alone self-honest. So now I’m living at the foot of a mountain, which was exactly my dream, dealing with all the bagage I moved along. You see, I didn’t change, only the scenery did.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel pissed at the teacher who didn’t want to assist A. with writing exercises.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel misunderstood by A.’s teachers.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate the school and the teachers of my kids for seeing us as a number.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate the parents who in self interest spoiled the education system for those kids who just did what they were capable of, no tricks and dishonesties.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act within anger and hate and changed my kids schools many times.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to homeschool my kids knowing that it was illegal and then starting to blame the system.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel angry about the education apartment for not really helping us and in the end stabbing us in the back, instead of seeing that we disobeyed the system and therefore had to pay for the consequences.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel myself a number within the system and therefore I was taking it all personal.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate the judge and the education department for not assisting and supporting us, not seeing that the system only helps those who obey.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cry a lot and blaming myself for the condition A. was in.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that A.’s vaccination is the cause of her change in mental behavior so I do not have to feel guilty anymore, apart from the fact if this believe is true or not.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel mad at the mental institution for messing up big time, while when I later did my research I found out that they had done the same to many other parents. So instead of being my directive principal I gave my faith in the hands of a system mental institution.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the institution for my emotional turmoil while I could have seen in common sense without any fear that what they were saying was bullshit.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the system and out of this fear I never let anybody check my kids mental health.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel mad at the nurse who messed my smear up.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear going in for a smear out of the previous experience I had.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame big farma for collecting my physical information by taking a smear and get me into the health system for no other reason than profit.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear healthcare and therefore not use this care often and rather suffer without any medical support.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sick of the dishonesties, instead of seeing that I am a reflection of society and therefore living in dishonesty myself. Only I can change myself and no longer accept and allow the dishonesties within myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel mad, angry, and disappointed on the country I was living in, instead of realizing that these feelings were mine and would travel along with me where ever I’ll go.

Christmas ridicule 24/12/2010

Today I had a few times on which I felt this energy go around in my stomach and earlier this evening I was a bit oppressed. The feeling of being oppressed faded away within more or less 10 minutes. I did slow down and breathed through these moments. I had no specific thoughts prior both events or that is, I do not recall having specific thoughts.

With muscle communication I searched within myself and found a piece in a book that made me aware of what was unconscious bothering me.

“Approval and ostentation will never go together with inner decisions. Celebrations never surround the choices to follow your personal truth. In fact the opposite is often true. Others may not only fail to celebrate, they can also make you the subject of ridicule. What?  Do you think for yourself? Do you take your own decisions? You put your own border markers out, your own judgements, your own values? Who do you think you are?”

I had to read it a few times to see the connection between this text and my current situation. And then I saw the “light” the angels started singing oh hallelujah.

It’s Christmas eve and it’s all in the spirit of Christmas! How appropriate…

“Approval and ostentation will never go together with inner decisions”

It’s approval in the sense of validation and approval to belong to the rest of the world that celebrate Christmas. People try to persuade me to only celebrate this one day a year and say things like: “It won’t harm you to celebrate Christmas, don’t be so negative and bitter or famine will not be solved if you don’t celebrate Christmas.” It’s as if people like to trap me into this celebration and I know already for years that Christmas is more evil than anybody could suspect. So my inner decision is not to accept and allow Christmas within my world and that doesn’t go together with the urge of not being an out stander and different for not celebrating Christmas. This is all unconscious, I had no idea that I had this urge to be accepted in this way.

“Celebrations never surround the choices to follow your personal truth”.

Indeed celebrations are most of the time not voluntary even if we think they are. People celebrate, because that’s the way it is done and always was. When I started living on my own at the age of 19, I decided that this was the moment to stop celebrating my birthday with a party. Really odd for most people in my surroundings, but quite a few followed my example after recognizing what birthday parties really contained. I can see that all celebrations, religious ones and common ones, are done within dishonesty. Of not being faithful to myself or what I stand for. Most of the times I compromised myself through celebrating within the starting point of outside validation and wanting to belong.

“Others may not only fail to celebrate”

Indeed when I look at Christmas I see that almost everybody takes it as an excuse to go overboard with eating, spending and having a moment off. People who don’t follow the religious message behind Christmas do also celebrate it. People take it as an excuse to over eat and then complain about it and the spending of money on useless gifts is almost compulsive. It’s all about fitting in, being appreciated and this greedy feeling that it would not be fair if you could not celebrate Christmas.

“Make you the subject of ridicule”,

this is the most important reason for my discomfort today. I had no idea that the underlying thought was about ridicule, but when I look at myself and how my approach towards people has been especially today it’s just hitting the nail on the head. A few times today clients wished me merry Christmas and I didn’t really respond, so they didn’t questioning my way of celebrating Christmas. Now when I replay it again I see that I did feel dishonest of the fact that I didn’t share with them how I really think about Christmas. Others who wished me merry Christmas and afterwards asked me if I did celebrate it I simply replied with no. And there was one lady who asked if I did celebrate Christmas and I said no. Then she said:” Oh you’re having another religion? Or do Dutch people not celebrate Christmas?” I said: “Dutch people do celebrate Christmas only I don’t and yes I’m not a Catholic. ” Oh you have another religion”, she said. “I have no religion”, I said. “You’re an Atheist”, she said with a certain reassurance in her voice. “Nope I’m not a Atheist, because they have the faith of not believing”. “Who needs religion anyways”, I said. “We can take our own responsibility.” She looked at me in a unkempt way and she left. I was only being myself in this moment with my client, but yes she could ridicule me with this kind of information. I’m not really scared of it or feel fear of being seen as odd within the village. I already do as bald foreigner. So unconscious I do make a fuss about it, hhmmm.

“What?  Do you think for yourself? Do you take your own decisions? You put your own border markers out, your own judgements, your own values? Who do you think you are?”

Yes, this is also a hot item here, because by birth every Italian is Catholic. People here do envy me or us for not belonging to a religion. In fact they are judging themselves for not standing up and saying BASTA with religion. People here cannot make their own decisions, because family and church will show them the way. These people have their judgements and values according to the ones of the church and the pastor. Within this envy or jealousy people start ridiculing those who do stand up as life for all to reimburse their own actions. I’ve seen and experienced that already. People tend to go bad so that they can still feel good about themselves. Quite an interesting point I came about tonight, I’m really grateful for this one. No big brake through or anything, but just an insight.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to be ridiculed.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to be ridiculed while being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience that I’m an out stander and suppressing this feeling.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel dishonest about the fact that I didn’t share my point of view about celebrating Christmas.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe unconscious that belonging to the majority is the best and safest way to go.

Christmas 21/12/2010

We just had our American friends J.&A. over for Italian lesson. They brought ginger cookies and a mix of roasted nuts for Christmas. I thanked them for the food they brought. So, later on tonight J. asked what we had planned for Christmas and the four of us said in unison: “Nothing, just the usual, as every other ordinary day”. They understood the words we spoke, but they couldn’t figure out why. I explained that it is quite hypocrite to celebrate this big consumeristic food feast at the expense of billions of others who haven’t got any food let alone presents. Then even later tonight J. asked what we had planned for New Years eve and again we said, nothing special, it’s just a day as all the others. They were puzzled.

People in general understand when you confront them with the suffering in the world and that this suffering is real and actual, what they do not want to see is why they have to give in their special Christmas and New Years feelings/celebrations. It’s as if they say, I really care for those who suffer, but don’t bother me with it at Christmas and New Year. They probably feel it as a right to celebrate capitalism and consumerism and get all nasty when you suggest to reconsider their self honesty within it.

I just read on Facebook that somebody wrote something like: ” It’s not Christmas we have to blame, it’s us.” Of course Christmas isn’t the scapegoat, but we may not forget that after all it’s us humans who invented this kind of celebrations and it’s us who participate within it. It’s not so much that I’m pissed off with Christmas, it’s more the ignorance that comes with it and that’s the same with all other abundant celebrations. The ignorance in overeating at dinner parties out of the so called right to do so, because one has the means for it. The fact that I own a car doesn’t mean that I use it all the time, I use my car within common sense whenever I have to. That’s the same with food, I use food to sustain my body and not to underline how great I’m doing in life. This kind of mind fucking is only causing more outflows and consequences such as obesity, bulimia and anorexia.

At Christmas we all of a sudden start to think about the people around us who haven’t got this great life we have. My parents-in-law transferred €300,- for Christmas to our bank account. We live quite a poor life right now and this amount of money is helping us out for sure. Although when I look at it in a greater perspective it’s kind of weird that we get this money now at Christmas while they know we live in poverty already for over 8 months now. Then my parents told me that they transferred €200,- to our bank account for Christmas. My dad said: “It’s €25,- per person to buy something nice and €100,- to buy some great food for Christmas.” I was speechless, I was grateful for the money, but the €200,- and the €300,- are just covering the basic living expenses. So after I thanked them I didn’t say anything for a few minutes. Than my mom said: “You may of course spend it on basic needs, wood for the stove or something like that.” I said, yes that’s more what I was thinking. Than they both said that we only had to call them if we needed more money for our basic needs. It’s great to know that some one is willing to back you up financially, although I found out that lending or getting money from somebody is creating this unequal relationship between the two parties. It’s about one who has and one who hasn’t, so inequality to start with. My partner P. has a part-time job right now, it’s not paying really great yet, but that will change after January. I’m still repairing cloths and making gifts on request and joining DIP so slowly but surely we’re getting back into the system again. Not really a great prospect, but the only way to be effective within the system again.

So wishing some one merry Christmas and a happy New Year is merely an empty phrase and confirming ones participation within inequality. People get all stressed out for this one celebration, running around in the streets and shops like they lost their head/common sense. They buy more than they can carry, in a way I have to laugh when I see these automated robots running around. They really do not know why they are doing all of this, they are just following their program and repeating it over and over again every year. Maybe if there was a virus to interfere with the pre-programming, one like equality and oneness for all for instance, it might shake us up. We might than awaken out of this bad dream we call life.

What did I learn so far? 17/12/2010

I’m now living 42 years on this globe and what did I learn till so far?

I learned to be “good”, so that others reckon me as a “good person”. Being “good” may be at the expense of myself or others. I learned that it was okay to have the opposite thoughts within my secret mind in the same moment as being good. So for instance doing my homework, but at the same time to spite my teacher for the homework within my secret mind. Doing everything that people ask of me if this is going to portrait me as being “good” and at the same time hating this people for asking me to do things for them. I learned that this was the way to cope within society and family, but I always could feel the friction and the shame for what I did. I wasn’t able to understand this experience or to direct myself within and according to this information. Nobody ever learned me that being a “good” person attracted the opposite within my life. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned that I was less than others. My little brother liked to tell me how he saw me as less intelligent. My other family members didn’t say it, but acted like it. Within the school system where I was not more than average I was seen as less. All this enhanced my inherited feeling of worthlessness. So I learned to eliminate and suppress myself throughout life. I wasn’t worth anything so why bother to consider myself within the equation of life? The few people who learned me that I was worth something, learned me to stick up for myself no matter what. Through this I learned how to be egoistic and to put myself at the first place, because I was worth it and special. Nobody ever learned me that by perceiving myself as less or more, I learned to perceive myself as special and therefore unequal to the rest of this world. This way of living was meant to fail in one way or the other, because I didn’t consider all as equal as one. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned that the choices I made within my life had to be based on money. Money, they learned me, is the key to move yourself through life/society. So all choices had to be calculated and weighted, was the amount of money equal to the fortune and succes that came forth of it? When I decided to do Art school my dad said with a smile on his face: “I’m fine with your choice, but this means that you now have to find a rich man and marry him”. When I decided to never live my life on more money than my fair share my dad said with fear on his face: “I’m not sure anymore if I want you to inherit my money, because for what purpose are you going to donate/use it?” I learned about the limitations and advantages of money and had to conform myself to it in order to survive. By seeing money as the most important thing in life I changed my life into slavery. Nobody ever learned me that it is possible to change the system and to change the value of money into the value of life. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned to compare myself to others and played the game for being better than the rest. This stimulated a sense of distinguishing myself from the others and form an identity for myself around it. I specialised myself in being more special and original than everybody else. To always find the yet undiscovered solutions and feel as a failure when I didn’t meet up to my own expectations. Nobody ever taught me that instead of individualising myself and therefore separating myself from the rest would only bring more separation into the world. So that everybody would compare and compete with each other and not seeing the value of working together and functioning as a group. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned that friendship/relationships were the most important way of bounding with other humans if I didn’t want to end up all alone and miserable. When I was 3 years old I met my first girlfriend and this felt like heaven. After many many times of moving from one city to another she still was my  best friend till I was about 20 years old. All other people I met I compared to her and no one could measure up to her. In all other relations I felt like I was playing the second violin, I was never ever some one’s best friend again. So I gave up on friendships and relationships for a long time. No one ever learnt me that we are programmed to search for that same energetic feeling we had within our first friendship/relationship. Within giving up on friendships I was giving up on my self and separated myself from all the others. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

I learned that love was the ultimate way to conquer all that seemed impossible and bad. Love would make the most difficult situations work, love from your family would made you feel appreciated and would give you self worth. Love is something you can give in great amounts and people who receive it will benefit from it. If we send love/money to the third world it will flourish again. Spreading love through the words of the gospel will heal the world. Giving love in the form of spiritual energy it will help people to heal themselves and a better world will occur. No one ever told me that giving love wasn’t possible, it’s merely an idea within our mind and not transmittable. Nobody ever learned me what it meant to love my neighbour as myself and therefore look every neighbor straight in the eyes, because I have no secret mind shit going on. So simple, but yet not taught within my entire life.

All these points were accumulating and turning into rotting fish and I knew there was something off. So I started to search in various directions to see how I could answer the questions I had asked myself so many times. I deluded myself as many times as I asked the questions, but I was determined to find the answers. Accidentally I came across Desteni where all my answers about “being good”, “being less”, money, competition, friendship, love and many many more questions were answered. Not only were my questions answered I also learned how to deal with it and take responsibility for it in real life and how to better/perfect myself to become equal and one to all life. To do the equality equation and to fully understand the words common sense. The best part is that I learned how to better myself and within doing so to better the world I’m part of together with all the others who walk the same path as me. I”m still in my early period of my process and there is still so much to tackle, but simply knowing and experiencing that I wasn’t going crazy and what I went through probably everybody is going through. One person wants to act on finding these answers and start process and the other chooses to stay ignorant and reject process on earth.

This process we are in at Desteni will bring forth world equality and an Equal Money System in order to live a dignified live without the fear for survival and the need for competition. It might have started of as a “future projection”, but the stadium of “fantasy” as some would call it has gone. We are busy implementing the EMS through the Desteni Income Plan which is running at this very moment. So world equality here we come to say goodbye to life as we have known it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in order to be a good person.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful in order to be a good person.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hate people in order to be a good person.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the secret mind in order to be a good person.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed for participating within the secret mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel less intelligent than others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe others who told me I was less intelligent than others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the feeling of better or less, at my own expense or the expenses of others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as more special and therefore being unequal to the rest of the world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make choices based on money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see money as the most important thing in life and therefore made myself a slave to money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in competition and constantly compare myself to others to see if I’m more special and unique than others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a failure when I didn’t meet up to my own expectations of finding an original solution.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all the others by individualising myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to stay happy and part of society I had to make friendships.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compare all my friendships/relationships to my first one and searching constantly for the same energetic charge.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up on friendships and therefore giving up on myself with the result of separating myself from society.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that love will give me self worth instead of directing myself and therefore being certain of myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that love will solve and conquer all.

Funny hat 16/12/2010

Since I shaved my head in March this year I was totally fine with it and I still am. This summer I’d made a hat/cap for the moments that I would be exposed too long to the sun. I was fine with that too. Now in winter when it became quite cold in our house (this morning it was 5 degrees Celsius in our bedroom ) due to not using the obsolete heating system, but instead using a stove in the living room. I started to wear a hat inside the house. Last winter I had knitted one for the size of my head including my hair, a bit loose but nice warm and that’s what matters.

Every time when we had people/visitors in our house I took off my “funny hat”, I felt ashamed. I saw myself as a dwarf of Snow White, the one named Dopey. He has big ears and a loose hat. I was aware of taking my hat off every time someone entered the house, but it was quite strong this feeling of shame about how I looked. Quite funny when I look back at it now, my shaved head never gave me this intense feeling of shame, but the “funny hat” did. So there are still some remains of ego/identity left, not that it surprises me it’s more that I had no idea to where these remains would come to confront me.

At a certain point my son J. started to make comments whenever I took off my hat. You did it again mom, he would say as if he was my conscience mind. Than he started to ask why I did it, because I kept doing it. I couldn’t really answer him, I hadn’t really looked into it and I was not really eager to investigate it. As if I was ashamed for my shame, can it get even more idiotic?

Yesterday I decided to make another hat for during the day and to use the old loose one in bed, with 5 degrees in your bedroom you simply need a hat. I did cut a long wisp out of fleece fabric and wrapped it around my head to sow it all together into a hat. I also wore this hat when making a video today to see if I had any reactions or feelings of shame, but nope non of it happend. So this hat doesn’t fit the term “funny hat”.

Maybe it has to do with not wanting to look silly, I prefer people to see me as a serious grown up. When I look like Dopey they can impossibly take me serious. Okay that was my mind talking. This mind statement says that when somebody talks common sense, but looks silly, the common sense is all of a sudden not valid anymore. That doesn’t make any sense, does it? When I’m stable and acting within equality and in the best interest of all, it doesn’t matter what kind of hat I wear in my house or wherever. This is all about how I want to present me to the outside world and it has nothing to do with simply being me no matter what. It’s the words that I live that count and not the picture presentation I like to give of.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed while wearing a “funny hat” inside my home.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when other people see me wear this “funny hat” inside my home.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to presentate myself as serious as in presenting a perfect picture presentation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that speaking common sense changes into non valid talk while wearing a “funny hat”.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to validate my degree of common sense according to my image/identity.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the mind and not acting from the point of best for all.

Overeating 15/12/2010

I’m not constantly overeating, but when I do over the last few months, I’m fully aware of it. Though this awareness, I am not using it to indicate when to stop eating. When I look at it in common sense it’s strange, I have this indicator that says full, but I deliberately am not listening to it. This smells like sabotaging. What I do within this moment when my body indicates, this is enough, my mind starts arguing and saying things like: are you sure you have enough, It can’t hurt to eat a bit more, just finish your plate and don’t be ungrateful. I listen to this voice in my head and disregard my physical body when it communicates with me. Also tonight I ate too much and this results in feeling so full that I feel inflated, it’s not that I have eaten huge amounts of food, no only too much. It also results in burping and a lot of mucus that I have to cough away. On forehand I know these are the consequences physically, but I disregard those as if I’m not important. The only task to fulfill is the eating too much, what a fuck up. I need to direct and correct myself here. I have hardly enough money to buy food and even then I over eat???

This makes me wonder how I define food in general. I did a lot of testing lately (and I’m still not finished) on reaction that I have on specific foods, but at a certain point I started wondering what food really means to me. So I’ll do some testing. Wow! I really feel oppressed while deciding with what to test this out. This must be a big point, lets see. I first breathe and slow down and than I try again. The youngest of our cats wants to sit on my lap and hang over my muscle communication arm. Not really great timing I would say, he insists though. When he’s sitting on my lap I remember that stroking the cat does take me out of my mind. So what the hell, I’ll just stroke the cat. Indeed it calms me down or better said I allow myself to calm down while stroking the cat. Interesting, I tested what to use to clear up what food means to me and nothing I tested did test out. Than I asked if I need to search inside myself for the answers, instead of leaning/depending on words that indicate where to find answers. It tested out for yes.

It does make sense that I need to direct myself to find my own answers. So where to begin? Okay it’s an opinion that I have what’s based in greed. Fearing that I won’t have enough. Than a memorie pops up about the time I was an art student around 22 years ago. I lived together with J, she was a classmate and we decided to rent a house together. She ate so fast that every time when we ate pancakes, when there was a pile of pancakes in between us, she guzzled them away in a few minutes. I ate what I was able to take, but that wasn’t a real meal so I was left hungry. I was too ashamed for not having enough that I was too afraid to address this issue and stand up for myself. I disregarded the signs of my body of not having eaten enough, I wasn’t important enough to demand equality.

Than there is this memory of me being around 14 years old and loving to eat fresh white bread and not feeling any limitation to stop eating. My mom forbid me to eat more than 4 slices of bread at an certain point. My figure was normal, no fat at all and my mom wanted me to keep this body image and didn’t want me to get into problem eating at an older age. Also here I had this feeling of greed for the food without any common sense.

At the age of 21 when living on my own with my little brother in Amsterdam I started doing a strict diet, no diet from a magazine or some sort of a diet plan. I just ate 4 times less and no fat/grease at all. I refused to weigh myself I believed that I could see if I progressed with loosing weight. This was a battle of will power, my body against my mind. My parents when they saw me were worried about my weight loss, especially my dad. He was afraid that I would become ill easily without any fat on my body. I wasn’t an anorexia kind of mind set, when my mind said it was enough weight loss I started living more or less normally again. Still not eating a lot of fat, but not at all a skeleton. Except for my parents all other people liked my new body image. I made myself nice clothes even a bit sexy clothes. In this period men started whistling at me in the streets. I remember that this gave me self worth, I validated myself more as before.

I can see that I’ve been till now entangled within a polarity of eating too much or eating too little. In both cases I disregard my body, myself at all times. So self sabotage from the starting point of feeling worthless and not important enough to listen to. Is that why I “feel” quite often that people do not listen to me, because I do the same to myself? I tested for yes… This point of greed, is that compensating for that what I deny myself? Yes.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not listen to my body when it indicates that I ate enough food.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to argue with my mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have these physical outflows of dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel oppressed while entering the point of food.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to depend on testing for words/feelings/emotions and thinking that I’m not able to do search for it inside myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself and therefore not taking responsibility within researching the point of food.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe this opinion about me not having enough food.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not eating enough food.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of eating too much or too little.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of not having eaten enough.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself out of shame of not having eaten enough.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard my body when it told me I hadn’t eaten enough, I wasn’t important enough to stand up for equality and not settle for less.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel greedy about the white bread and being limited within eating.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compensate my feeling worthless with greed for food.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become mind possessed when it came to losing weight.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel self worth/validation when men whistled at me for the first time in my life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel self validation through an outside source.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard my body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself from the starting point of not feeling important enough.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I’m not important enough to listen too and therefore others will neither listen to me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that people do not listen to me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to act within greed to compensate for not feeling good enough.

The upper arm cyste, self denial 14/12/2010

Today I investigated the cyste on my underside of my upper arm it’s there already for 7 years. What kind of system within my system is this cyste representing?

 

Through muscle communication I tested out of a book the word self-denial. Immediately I got oppressed, when my eye got a glimpse of this word I felt a shock through my body. A feeling of ooh noo. I breathe and slow down, this reaction I need to investigate.

 

The self denial is connected to the word anxiety as in desiring. What am I desiring for where is this anxiety about? I tested the word serpent in the dictionary. The serpent refers to the anxiety, but what is the serpent standing for? The serpent is standing for love, love as love is portrait in our current world. So I’m searching for fake love within anxiety knowing that the love isn’t real, but it must fill the gap that my self denial has caused. I am not willing to face that I’m denying myself. This is also connected to the word unworthy/worthless that I’ve been working with. It also connects to the search for self validation outside of me that some times can be quite compulsive, feeling down when I get no outside stimuli for validation. The thing is that I now can see myself do these things I see the pattern, but it’s like an octopus, it has so many tentacles and is interconnecting at so many areas.

 

But why am I denying  myself in the first place? I tested the feeling nobleness and game through the dictionary out at the following: I’m judging myself as the lowest rank, so back again at not being worth anything.

 

And this strong physical reaction I had when I saw the word self denial, had that to do with the feeling of being exposed? Yes, it was me exposing myself in full awareness. Okay, it’s all not extremely new to me since I dealt already over the past few weeks with this topic. I need to do more self forgiveness on other areas as which I already worked with. In a way it’s cool and assisting to find every time a part of the puzzle.

 

I’m calm again and I can see the self denial for what it is. It’s here now in full awareness so now I can deal with what is here. Am I participating within the polarity of indifference and being fully aware? Yes, I’m indifferent about the fact that I do deny myself out of no self validation or self worth. I had to test this question in a slightly different way than the question I presented here. I asked if I was indifferent about the fact that I denied myself. With the first question I knew I was dishonest, I felt like I didn’t want to go to that part of me, but there is no such thing as not feeling like it. I’m my own directive principle and I direct myself in honesty and expose where ever I’m dishonest, no matter what.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be shocked about the word self denial, knowing that it had to show up sometime somewhere.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel being exposed and ashamed for it at the same time.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself unconditionally and not being completely self honest with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand one and equal to all, therefore I need to stand one and equal with myself first.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to validate myself as less and unworthy and therefore not fully accept myself and not giving myself unconditional support within self forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold on to love as it exist in our current world to fill this gap I feel inside within denying myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can find self validation outside myself, instead of knowing that I need to fully accept myself in order to be equal to me and all and that’s what love is about.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest within a session that stood for being self honest.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not feel like facing myself, that’s pure dishonesty and I will not allow that from myself. I’m my directive principle and that’s the only certainty that I have.