Polenta and I, no best friends 30/11/2010

Today, within my food experiment, I added polenta (corn flour) to my diet. At breakfast I just had a carrot and a glass of water, there were too many things to do before I could start cooking polenta. So, around noon, I cooked some polenta and added some grated carrot into this massive substance. I muscle tested if I could use some salt and it tested out for yes. I figured in common sense that it wasn’t wise to just eat carrot and polenta and drinking quite some water and not add any salt. I do need to function during the day and I don’t want to feel physical weakness due to a lack of common sense. After the polenta was cooked I formed little cookies from it and baked them in the oven. Although I normally would have added more ingredients like cheese, garlic and herbs, the cookies tasted good. No resistances, because of the taste. I normally like food or don’t like it and polenta I do like, but only with a nice sauce on top of it.

There were no feelings of like and dislike while eating the cookies. After one cookie everything was fine, after the second my saliva became thicker and more in quantity. I think I ate 4 cookies for lunch and left the rest for the others and myself to eat during the afternoon. About half an hour after lunch I started to produce a lot of mucus, at a certain moment so much that I had to cough it away. Oh, and another thing, when I woke up this morning I felt light as if there was a burden fallen from my shoulders, I didn’t cough at all. I felt really great this morning. Over the last weeks it was as if I experienced my body through a thick layer of mucus. Not numb but having this cover of mucus around me. All feelings.I had this pain for the last week or so in my left shoulder blade. So this morning I was clear of the mucus, but the pain in my shoulder blade was more clear and present than ever (need to look into that one too).

After eating the polenta cookies, for more than 2 hours afterwards, I’ve been coughing and feeling stuffy from the mucus I produced. Therefore time to investigate, since I create all my physical reactions I must be able to stop them. Therefore I need to know if it is a physical reaction towards the polenta or a mindfuck towards the feelings/emotions/thoughts I have around the word polenta or the picture/memory of polenta. Ok, it’s the mindfuck which is creating a physical reaction, I confirmed it with muscle communication.

Before I always felt quite frustrated and even ashamed about all the mindfucks I had created and discovered. Now I see them for what they are and my only concern is to forgive myself, correct myself and apply it accordingly.

Now I will be testing if it’s a feeling/emotion/thought. It’s the emotion “proudly”. This isn’t ringing any bell. From emotions I went through the dictionary to the phrase “in other languages”, I still have no clue. After testing for a feeling to clear the previous words up, I came up with the feeling “worthy”. I asked a lot of questions and muscle tested them and found out that it is me being proudly and worthy about speaking other languages. In real life I’m the opposite, I do not feel proud on my achievements within learning and speaking other languages and not at all worthy. And than I realised what I was playing out, the polarity of being proud/disappointed and feeling worthy/unworthy when it comes to my “other languages” (English and Italian). In real life I’m disappointed and I feel unworthy about my achievements within languages. Within this polarity of feeling proud and worthy about my achievements within my languages I manifest this food allergy/reaction as the polarisation. Wow, what a mindfuck. So if I apply self forgiveness on this and correctively apply it within my daily life and become neutral within my feelings/emotions towards my languages I can diffuse this point. This isn’t a life long existing problem, if the point is really worked through and diffused I can test if I’m able to eat polenta again.

For tonight no polenta for me, but carrots for sure. I’m going to test for another type of food to eat together with the carrots. It’s turkey, so carrots with turkey for tonight it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed about my achievements within learning new languages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure and therefore disappointed in me when it comes to speaking and writing Italian.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unworthy through my behavior of not really willing to learn Italian and therefore disappointed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of proudly and disappointed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of worthy and unworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the play out of this polenta food allergy/reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the part of being proudly and worthy and therefore not seeing the polarity being played out.

Carrots, carrots and carrots 29/11/2010

Finally I did it! I have been looking at this point from different angles and I was not ready, not able, not willing to take it on. There is always a good excuse to be found for not facing myself, but never ever one valid enough to refuse taking my responsibility.

I have been looking into the blood type diet, it didn’t look too much like a diet and the author has been doing quite some research. How commercial is it, I asked myself, what was the starting point for his research in the first place? The whole story had a lot of loose ends in my perspective and after reading he recommended to drink wine my “faith” faded away. At this point the blood type diet to me is only knowledge and information, so I could take on the diet and see for myself or start listening to my body and do research on my own, out of the starting point of me not abusing my body and eat/buy in the best interest of all.

For a while now I have been observing my body after eating food and drinking beverages. I found out that I was reacting and had more mucus after eating certain food types. Most food is a combination of several ingredients, therefore it’s hard to pinpoint wich whole food product is causing problems. I saw only one way to approach this, skip all food from my diet and start with just one type of food and water. Than add every day a new ingredient so it remains easy to see where I am reacting the most to. I muscle communicated about my approach and which type of food to start with. I tested out for carrot. I already considered to start of with carrot, but wanted to confirm it through muscle communication.

The carrot was prominent within my pie chart and later within a mind construct, but I approached it as an addiction. Just a few weeks ago I found out that carrot assist and support us to stay grounded and be here in the moment in every breath. I understand now why I ate so much carrots within my second pregnancy and later in life while spiritually engaged. So now this carrot may be the first food to start off my experiment. I want to find the food types I’d better not eat in order to feel better and therefore not let my body limit myself by eating the “wrong” food.

I had raw carrots for breakfast with a nice glass of spring water from our mountain here, so no additives there. The rest of the day I ate raw carrots whenever my stomach felt empty and tonight I cooked them to have something warm. That’s another point to take on, only eating to sustain my body, I was doing good but I still had certain cravings. My body felt neutral throughout the day, no heartburn and just the “normal” amount of mucus, because I still have this cough. I do not use any medicines for colds so it always takes a while to go away. This coughing though is another point I’m still unraveling. The coughing I do not take into consideration when it comes to the food testing.

While preparing the food for my partner and kids I had twice a moment of: “wow that smells good”, and my mind was trying to trick me into eating a little peace of turkey. I didn’t eat it and did self forgiveness on it. I have to stick to what I committed on, just simple plain discipline.

I made a list tonight of all the foods I can buy or take out of my garden, in order to muscle test through it to find out what the next food is to be added again to my diet. Tomorrow I’ll add corn flour, polenta, to my diet. Interesting combination, the kids were already fantasizing about what to make with it. At first they looked at me, while having carrots for breakfast, as if I lost my mind. Later they understood why I did it and they asked my partner P. why he wasn’t doing it. P. has quite some food reactions. He said: “I’m not able to muscle communicate yet in an effective way”. They didn’t ask themselves if they too might have some food issues. If they do it is more likely to be a mind fucking thing than a physical reaction. I will not push, I’ll just show them how I do it and how I take responsibility for my own body.

So tomorrow polenta cookies with carrot topping?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave food by looking at it and remembering how such food would taste, instead of seeing that I’m participating within memories and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within memories about food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that emotions around food are necessary to enjoy food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it’s anti social to eat a different diet than the rest of my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear harming my body with this experiment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being in touch with my body for quite some time.

At a party

It has been a while that I went to a party. Mostly I let myself get overwhelmed with the amount of people, not knowing where to stand within it. Being frustrated when I hadn’t been able to talk about the things that I considered as important and I felt disappointed and ineffective. All ingredients to cook up a disastrous recipe for a party.

This time the party was at my American friends house. That made a big difference within my perception, they are relax and easy people to hang out with. So today I was laid back and relaxed,  I committed myself to just be in the moment. It wasn’t very crowded with people, just 22 people. I did recognize some of the people and spoke with a lot of them, switching from speaking Italian to English to Dutch. I  switched quite easily between the languages, at first I didn’t noticed it. I didn’t feel this resistance I often felt while talking in Italian, I was here in the moment. In being here in the moment I was able to see with whom to talk about the weather and with whom to talk about more serious stuff. Both type of conversations were fine, just sharing myself in equality, something I wasn’t able to do before.

We sat during Sunday pranzo (Italian lunch) together with another couple at the same table. They were relaxed and open to get to know each other. After exchanging the usual information and topics I saw that I could freely speak to this lady about Desteni related topics so I slowly but surely did. I spoke with her in Italian, the one language where I have the most insecurities on. Before I knew it, I was explaining/sharing quite complex information to/with her. Than she said: “You think your Italian is lousy, but look how we are discussing” and she was right I was capable of having a conversation!

The point of feeling less than the Italian language, which I had been taking on recently had the effect of being able to see the language as a neutral point. Being one and equal to it, nothing more and nothing less. So simple and so effective. I had a great time at a party and that was long ago.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed when being at a party, instead of seeing that feelings are of the mind and keeping me from directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let feelings keeping me from directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when I didn’t spoke about important things while being around people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see certain conversation topics as less than other topics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed and ineffective when I didn’t speak about important things to people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider a party at J&A as relaxed and easy, while other parties are considered as stressful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure when speaking Italian.

The witch in me 27/11/2010

The persecution of witches started around the 5th century AD when Christianity occurred, the witches were accused for political, religious and sexual crimes. Their so called crimes were a threat to the Protestant and Catholic church as well as to the State. Also the bible speaks in Leviticus 20:27 about witches, it says: “A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.”

The hunting for witches took place from the 5th century AD till the 17th century AD in Europe. Between 1500 and 1600, about 80,000 witches were accused and executed, 80% of them were women. The 17th century AD was a horrible era for women who were a bit “different” from the rest. These witches were tortured in different ways and ended up death at all times. They were stripped naked and shaved of all their body hair, then they were subjected to thumbscrews and the rack, spikes and bone-crushing “boots,” starvation and beatings. The water test was commonly used to determine if one was a witch. The accused person was thrown into the water and only the ones that were floating were stigmatised as witches and payed for the stigma with their life’s. The ones who sank were innocent, but anyways death by drawning. The witch-craze did not arise spontaneously in the peasantry. It was the ruling class that feared these people and therefore terrorized them in order to keep the masses under control. At the end of the 17th century witchcraft trials begun to diminish throughout Europe. Some countries such as Holland adopted a more tolerant attitude towards witchcraft. Voltaire said: “The witches have stopped to exist when we have stopped to burn them”. Regrettable enough the damage that was done upon humanity didn’t end with a tolerant attitude and the stopping of burning people.

What kind of people were these witches? Overall women who were healers, unlicensed doctors, anatomists of western history, bortionists, nurses, counsellors, pharmacists and midwives. Witches were the only autonomous healers, serving the peasant population as women and the poor. The witch was a triple threat to the Church: They were generally  women. They were organized within an underground of peasant women. And they were a healers whose practice was based in empirical study. For Christianity, this meant that they held out the hope of change in this world.

After these centuries women were replaced/suppressed by men. We women, already accepted and allowed ourselves to be enslaved within our menstruation cycles, but with men in power enforced by the Church and State we were no longer able to be “free” and creative humans outside our own homes. Conventional medicine took over the role of healers, male professionals outran women with their superior technology. By then male “science” was more or less automatically replaced by female superstition, which from then on was called “old wives’ tales.” The strange thing is that male professionals clung unto untested doctrines and ritualistic practices, while it were the women healers who represented a more humane, empirical approach to healing. Male science and medical education was controlled by the Medieval Church, with the support of kings, princes and secular authorities. The rights and medical care for the poor and women was automatically no longer existent.

Since the witch hunts, women have been associated with witches and this negative picture of witches which is all that has remained. This cruel exclusion of women out of society and out of healing professions became a theme within history. Women had been seen as evil and cooperating with the devil himself, therefore they were a threat to the Church and State who feared them. They believed that the more satanic powers women had and therefore the more power to help themselves, the less they were dependent on God, the Church and the State and the more they were potentially able to use their own powers against God’s order.

This part of history won’t go by unnoticed, because the evidence of what happend is still in our DNA through epigenetics. Since we humans inherited the sins of the fathers we have a lot to sort out. Stuck in history and the ones that came before us we still live within the fears made and believed by our fathers. So I asked myself, what does this practically mean in daily life to me? How much witch is there still in me? I started investigating within myself.

When I say the word witch out loud, I do not consciously feel a negative charge to this word. After researching this subject I’m really amazed how much influence this one point in history had and still has. The word witch, I associate with nature, natural cures and witchcraft as in fantasy power. When I look into history it was the beginning of fear of authority created by the Church and State, fear of free speech, keeping the sheeple under control, power struggles between man and woman and the beginning of modern medicine or shall I say quackery?

To get more clarity on the subject I muscle communicated for the feeling, normally. Than I found out that this word originated between 1590-1600, the period in which the witch hunt was at it’s worst. To understand this feeling I tested for a book and came up with the following sentences: ” that to which you resist, will stay. Where you look at, will disappear. For me this sentences had to do with my struggle with authority, or fear for authority. Although after testing it had to do with fear in general/normal. So the fear I resist, will stay. The fear I I’m able to look at, will disappear. Wow, so true. I’m astonished, the in heritage of the witch hunt which is in my DNA, results in daily life for me in resisting fear. Not wanting to face all my fears. I can only do so much and take one fear at the time, but clearly there will be fears that I don’t want to face. This information challenged me and I wanted to find at least one fear that I haven’t been willing to face yet. I muscle communicated for the emotion, quieting. Which meant not obtrusive, which led me to the word protruding. Meaning the fear of protrusive behavior of others upon me. That does make sense. After testing I found out that this fear was a direct outflow of the fear for authority which is originated in the medieval period and connected to the witch hunt. Wow again. Look how fucked we are with the sins of the fathers, it’s this big spider web or matrix with interconnections everywhere. I’m overwhelmed, but than again I wanted to know this. Now I know, I know where these fears originate from and I understand how much ripples there are in the water when I throw in a stone. I start to understand what the impact of the words responsibility and consequences are, it’s huge. It’s huge yet we have to take it on in order to birth ourselves into the physical. Happy process, Sylvia.

Than I asked myself how much witch there is in me. I tested for the word slime, meaning a worthless person according to the slang dictionary. Wow, I just found out that my cyst on my lateral thigh stands for worthlessness. So this interconnects, because also that tested out to be inherited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist fear in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face all my fears, instead of knowing that I need to forgive all my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses for not taking on all my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear protrusive behavior of others upon me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things alone and not to ask for help when I could use it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to be strong and do things on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel strangled when authority is put upon me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the information that I found by feeling overwhelmed.

Italian lesson 25/11/2010

Tuesday was the evening that I together with our American friends had decided to finally start Italian lessons with my partner P. as a teacher. Tuesday evening A. called to say that they had made a lot of pasta with Italian friends and that they were supposed to eat dinner with them. She asked if we could reschedule the lesson to another moment this week? P. suggested Thursday evening at nine to give it another shot and he confirmed it with a text message. Tonight it’s Thursday and around nine o’clock nobody showed up, at 9:16 we sent a text message and tried to call. No response what so ever. I made Tuesday already the commitment to start with the lessons no matter what, it’s time to direct myself and not using somebody else as an excuse. So P. and I did the lesson.

P. checked my verbs, but they were almost non existing. I know bits and peaces, therefore within a few minutes I’m totally lost. From now on I’ve to use every spare moment to study my verbs. I’ll be looking within my daily life to determine which verbs are used more by me than others, to make a ranked list from which I’ll be doing my studying. I’ll also be looking in my day to day life to see what kind of sentences I’m not able to make in order to ask for help. When I do have a little bit more of a base, I’ll be chatting with some of our friends on the internet. In order to get more practise in writing spoken language and to achieve some what more depth within my language than I had before while talking to the ladies of my village. It’s all communication, but I will not be focussing on dialect and housekeeping idiom from now on.

I didn’t had this overwhelming feeling or the feeling of suppressing the overwhelmed feeling tonight. I was able to be equal to the language. Although I did speak out loud where I didn’t have any clou of what P. was talking. This way I directly confronted myself with the issues I had to face. When I did some exercises with P. I noticed that the mucus on my vocal cords became more and more. I didn’t feel less than the language, but I experienced a feeling of almost not being able to complete the sentences through lack of information/knowledge. It was hard to grasp the words P. spoke and I had to put in a lot of effort, till I realised that this is what the situation is. I have to work with what is here and if it’s not much than I have to realise that and not get stressed or disappointed about it. That way it won’t push me further and I’m only able to go further, there is never ever a way back. So the mucus decreased and I started to translate all kinds of sentences P. gave me, as far as I was able. The kids started to give me all kinds of hints and we enjoyed ourselves.

I still have a long way to go, but one day I’ll be ready and at that point I’ll have access to the language and the culture through my own effort. I’ll never be one of them, because the Italians will always refere to me as “the Dutch lady” as so many foreigners who went before me. I do have Italian roots, something that’s really important to the people here. To me it’s no more than a nice family story as any other story. I’ll see them as my equals, treat them equally and do what’s best for all.

I’ve been struggling with the fact if I should do video’s also in Italian. In the end we need to communicate in one and the same language and that will be English. I saw right a way how that was a nice distraction of my mind to talk me out of doing video’s in Italian and not to study too hard on my Italian language. I got you mind!

The first cyst on my lateral thigh and the story it tells 24/11/2010

Since I yesterday openend up the point of my last created cyst on my head and I found out that I had created the bump at least 13 years ago, I decided to investigate further. It was amazing what I found out, so what will I face today. How much time does this cyst goes back in time and what are the points attached to it?

I started of with a dictionary word through muscle communication and I tested for “psychedelic”. I searched further for the meaning of the word psychedelic; Psychedelic art, most popular during the late 1960s and early 1970s, combines patterns, objects, light, and sound to simulate hallucinatory experiences.  The part to use was the one with the specific period, namely late 1960’s and early 1970’s. I was born in 1968, so how many years back goes the creation/manifestation of the cyst. Or is it due to information downloaded from my parents? It’s indeed the download of my parents, but the origin lies with my grandmother from mothers side and it goes back 42 years. I started creating the cyst within my first year on earth and I was about 16 when it manifested therefore I went to my family doctor to show it to him, but there was nothing to worry about.

I muscle communicated for an emotion to get some clarity and I tested for the word “putrid”; morally corrupt or worthless. “Worthless” was the word that tested out. My grandmother had transferred through the family download this emotion of worthlessness. My start in life was one of feeling worthless. Since I can only muscle communicate information about myself, I’m not able to find out when this emotion and why this emotion of being worthless originated within my late grandmother. I can see the word worthless throughout the life of my mom in a big way, but also information about my mom I can not muscle communicate. I could try to open up a conversation with my mom about this subject, though it’s not something one discusses while having a cup of tea. I live 1600 km away from my mom so having a cup of tea is rare, we communicate through Skype and in summer when they are here.

The next question I’ll ask myself, is how this emotion of worthlessness has manifesting itself throughout my life. I do not mean manifested in the form of the cyst, but events and situations. I tested the following sentence within a book; and I love you. Through further testing I found out that it had to do with me not loving myself and not being able to be intimate with myself. I’ve been constantly sabotaging myself through believing that I was worthless and therefore I couldn’t love myself. That makes sense when I look back on my life, before it didn’t make sense and most of the time I wasn’t even aware of it.

This week I had this memory of about 9 to 10 years ago. When my son J. started to speak in one and two word sentences he said to me: “kiss mommy, kiss”. He did this for about 1 to 2 years. Throughout the whole day he asked for a kiss and when I gave him a kiss, 5 minutes later it started all over again. When I wouldn’t react he grabbed my face to get a kiss. He did it at home and anywhere else. I, at a certain point felt hunted, stalked, abused and I wanted to push him away from me. I didn’t push him away, I responded always, I wasn’t able to not respond to the love of my child. At least that’s how I saw it, now I see clearly that he was telling me to love myself and that I could be self intimate. My child was helping me through life and I disliked him for the weird behavior he had. Oh my God, how could I be so deluded?

I tested if this was enough for now, but there was another point to look into. I tested in a book for the following sentence; “people tend to live up to the expectations we have of them”. I want to live up to the expectations others have of me. How does this connect to the emotion of worthless? People think of me as worthless because I see myself as worthless and act in that way. Basically I think that others think of me as worthless and that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Wow that’s a fuck up!

All of this is created through “the sins of the fathers shall be visited upon the sons”. Now I understand how far this goes within my own life.

The cyst’s connective tissue dissolved through the years, but it’s still here, although smaller than it was originally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter this world within the emotion of being worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I’m worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless when I find out that I started my life within worthlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to love myself, but instead I sabotage myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not being able to be self intimate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that I can not be self intimate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to belief that others see me as worthy.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be aware of being worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hunted by my son J.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stalked by my son J.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel abused by my son J.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to push J. away when he was communicating with me in a matter I couldn’t understand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I wasn’t allowed to push J. away, because of me being his mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike J. for his weird behavior while he was only helping me to see what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deluded and not being able to see reality without thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as worthless and act as if I’m worthless so others will see and treat me as worthless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed in life/creation while seeing how it fucked me up and how I didn’t take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to take responsibility for the bagage that I inherited.

The story of the cyst on my head 23/11/2010

Today I’ve opened up the point of my cysts, I started with the last visible cyst I created, the one on my head. Through muscle communication I searched for the meaning of this system I created within my system. To get started I tested for a feeling: worship ability. It’s a strange word to me, I understand what it means, but how to place this within my bigger picture? I googled the two words and came up with all religious stories about the joy of having the ability to worship. I was searching within myself for connections or words to which I could relate.

A couple of days ago I wrote about my energy addiction of singing and being in a place where lots of people are singing religious songs. The word religious connected with the words “worship ability”. I kept on asking specific questions through muscle communication. Has it to do with the period that I was actively involved within the Baptist community, yes. Has it to do with my ability to worship within the Baptist community, yes. Has it to do with me not being able to worship, because I didn’t believed in the message, yes. Has it to do with being dishonest towards the Baptist community, yes. Has it to do with not being honest towards myself about my reasons for being within this Baptist community, yes. Has this cyst manifestation taken 13 years to grow on my head into this visible bump and is it the physical manifestation of my dishonesty, yes. So I asked if this was the core point and if I needed to consider also other points and the answer was yes.

I went further with the testing and tested out two sentences in a book. ” No. If you have to ask, than you know you’re not one of them”. This is the point of wanting to belong to a group and not specific this Baptist community, but groups in general. I always have seen myself as someone that didn’t need a group to belong to. I see now that such behavior is one of identity. Not wanting to belong to any group was my identity, of being independent and not needing anyone. In fact the reality was the opposite of my identity. I longed to belong to a group and be in a group, but refused to be in one. I tested if it was the fear for facing myself within a group and be totally me in self honesty without all the layers and facades that I grown so attached to, yes. So I basically fear that within a group I have to be totally me and I do not know if I can cope with myself within a group and no back doors to escape when it gets though? YES. Okay, what fears do I fear than? Not being able to sulk or have ill humor within a group, that would mess up my image of being a nice and good person. The fear to be grouchy, meaning complaining. It’s more or less the same as sulking, because it both messes up my image. Wow how pathetic can it be, I’m fearing emotions, who are of the mind and therefore not real, to mess up my image. This image that’s also of the mind and not real. These fears have stopped me from participating within a group for so many years. While in fact I was longing to belong to a group, here I can see how I participated within a polarity.

What is this longing to belong to a group? I muscle communicated the word lovey-dovey, which means amorously affectionate. It’s this romantic feeling of belonging and in my case the belonging to a group. Some sort of a love-hate relation, longing for a group and at the same time resisting it. To be honest I did noticed/feel these polarity driven energies when it came to groups, but I couldn’t place it. Okay and where does the Desteni group come in? I tested for the feeling “noticeable” and I can see how that fits in. I’ve had a period wherein I felt almost invisible within the Desteni group although I was participating. Not being noticed, until recently that I realised that I was screaming without being noticed/seen. I wasn’t screaming to the outside world as I thought I was screaming towards myself and not noticing myself. I was not standing up within me, therefore I couldn’t stand up as all as one as equal.

There is also a connection between my article of yesterday called “water boarding”. The outflow of that was me  recording myself today and I made a video with the title “a message to all world leaders” to emphasize the fact that I’m willing to stand up for myself and for the rest of the world.

One little bump on my head that took 13 years to manifest is able to tell me all this information, wow isn’t it amazing? I even like to explore myself with the tools that are provided within the SRAT(Structural Resonant Alignment Training) and to learn, forgive and correct myself without fearing the outcome on forehand.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not being able to worship God within the Baptist community, while knowing this and not leaving the community I used them for my energy shot.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself by being dishonest towards the community.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest about my motives for joining the Baptist group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let this cyst grow slowly for 13 years inside my body without preventing it from growing by taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to belong to a group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in my identity that said: Sylvia doesn’t need to be in a group. While at the ame time longing for a group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that I was independent and didn’t need the help of others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself within a group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go of all the layers I grown attached to.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my identity and therefore fear to lose myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ned back doors to be able to cope with myself while being in a group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to mess up my image by sulking, having ill humor and being grouchy, instead of knowing that this is all of the mind and therefore not real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of love and hate when it comes to groups.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself for so many years to not join groups out of the fear of not being able to dace myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to belief I couldn’t face myself unconditionally within a group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel not being noticed within the Desteni group.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel not being noticed by others while in fact it was me who didn’t noticed myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand up within myself as all, as one as equal.

I was a junkie 22/11/2010

This morning I watched the YT video of Gabriel ZM in  which he explains what a certain band and a certain song had meant to him and how he uses it now to support himself to take him back in the here and now. His story made me look  and investigate into my own life to see what certain kinds of music had meant to me.

When I was little and even before I was born, my grandmother had a children’s choir and several choirs for adults. When I became four years old she gave me the outfit of her children’s choir. I felt proud and part of her world, we lived two hours driving from my grandparents and therefore I didn’t see the choir sing very often. Without understanding why I was always attracted towards choirs, I joined the Protestant church choir at the age of 8. When I moved out to go and study art I searched for a choir and became a member of a gospel choir. I wrote a musical and songs, no music only the lyrics, I enjoyed myself and it felt as the path to take within my life. When I moved to Amsterdam to study social work, I searched again for a choir to belong to.

I found a Baptist church which was just at that moment forming a gospel choir. Since moving out of my parents house at the age of 19 I hadn’t been in church again. The founder of the new choir invited me to a service of theirs to understand from where they were coming. So I went the next Sunday to church to meet these people. I was thrilled about the songs they sang in church, they were clapping within certain rithems and they sung in parts. In front of the church was a band playing and I was attracted and drawn into this scene. I started practising with the choir and kept attending the services at Sunday mornings. I made new friends and I felt like I belonged. I found out that they also held services at Sunday evening with only singing, I was thrilled again. At a certain point I was even baptised.

I witnessed the other adolescents  of the group that were to be baptist and they were happy and ready to serve the Lord. I on the other hand wasn’t even considering serving the Lord, I felt happy for the fact that they let me join their church community. I felt high and full of energy after singing and joining this church community. The parson of the church held an interview with me a few weeks before the baptising would take place. He asked how I was standing within the whole event, I didn’t really know what to say. I told the parson that it made me happy, that was normal he said. At the most the conversation took about 10 minutes, I had nothing to share. The day itself I was nervous, not so much about the baptising and the religious meaning of it. I was nervous about doing all the rites proper, so they wouldn’t dismiss me from the community. As if they would do such a thing. The choir ended up as a semi professional choir and every weekend we were singing somewhere else. After choir rehearsal I was always full/loaded with energy, when I came home I started browsing in advertising leaflets which I saved up for this purpose. I did this browsing with such speed it was almost inhuman, but my way to release the surplus of energy.

Quite soon I was fed up with the people in the community and their little world. We went twice a year away with the choir for a long weekend to do extra practising. After the first time I hated it, they only spoke about God, obviously. The singing was only practising parts of a song with a part of the choir to study on the polyphony. No great singing, only being locked up in an isolated location with these people. When I met my partner P. I convinced him to join us and he did. One of our choir members turned out to be a parson wannabe. Every occasion when we where performing he grabbed the moment to speak and preach. It was hard for me to stand still and to listen to him talking nonsense. I didn’t have the guts to speak up and confess to the audience that I didn’t agree with him, but that’s how I felt inside. After I had my first child we moved out of Amsterdam and I stopped attending church services and the choir. It was quite a process to disengage myself from the community and the singing. The dislike for the whole religious ambiance made it possible for me to cut loose and to never search again for a choir again.

The week after I shaved my head I had a lot of realisations and this was one of them. I never before had asked myself why I liked going to this church and the singing in the choir so much. I was addicted to energy, so much that I can easily say, I was a junkie. An energy junkie, who became cranky when I didn’t got my energy shot. Always busy with how to maintain and keep myself within this group to ensure my weekly energy shot. All that distracted me from the energy kick I dismissed as boring, stupid, unnecessary and something I didn’t want to be associated with. So these powerful religious music frequencies had an hold on me, till this love hate relation turned into hate. The hate made it possible to break loose from my addiction. Till now I’ve never addressed this hate or the energy issue so it’s time to do some rehab.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be part of my grandmothers world and therefore proud on wearing the choir outfit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the gospel choir was my life path, instead of seeing that it was a pre programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for gospel groups to get this feeling of belonging, instead of looking inside to see myself and no longer search outside myself to get validation and conformation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attracted to the Baptist church scene, by falling for the energy produced by the singing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I belonged within the Baptist scene and used the new friends be accepted and able to stay within the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as a outsider within the Baptist scene, because I knew I was in it for something else which I than not understood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest within the Baptist group and only took and didn’t give.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the singing made me high.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the Baptist members for their faith in God, while their faith delivered my energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the Baptist scene and become cranky when I didn’t got the amount of energy I was hoping for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up and be honest about my motives for joining the group even though I didn’t know them back than, I knew their was something of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike the religious ambiance while I loved the energy, knowing now that one cannot do without the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of hate and love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be an energy junkie and not considered what was best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the others to be boring, stupid, unnecessary belief and someone I didn’t want to be associated with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by the religious music frequencies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the Baptist scene, while I hated myself for being dis honest and infiltrated a group out of self interest.

I want to live and not wander about like a zombie. 20/11/2010

Today I made a vlog about still having a hoarse voice, still coughing and being fed up with it. It comes all down on the fear to expand myself and within that the fear to fail within this expanding. If I don’t expand, I will never find out if I failed. I have to move forward to apply new realisations and to correct myself within the physical. I do apply and correct myself, but first I will resist.

 

I didn’t light the stove this morning, I had searched for the light cubes to initiate the fire, but couldn’t find them. When an hour later my partner P. came home, he was surprised I hadn’t fired up the fire. I said: “I couldn’t find the cubes”. P. said: “The cubes are next to the stove”. I realised I hadn’t searched next to the stove. When I saw where the cubes were I was surprised I hadn’t seen them before. I asked myself how it could be that I didn’t feel the need to light the fire, knowing myself as a chilly person. I was afraid to fuck up, always when I light the fire P. is complaining about my pyromanic skills. Or it’s too much wood, too little wood, not enough heat yet, not well stapled wood etcetera. I’m taking this personal and therefore I’m not learning from it and I’m incapable to expand myself when it comes to lighting a fire.

 

Or I resist going to the gasstation to fill up the car with gas. Up front I fear failing. Failing to fill in the special papers for tax deduction. Of course I than manifest the fear and the form is filled in all wrong and confirming my fear. I pushed through this one and saw that I was boycotting daily life when refusing to fill up the gastank while being a few hundred meters away from the gasstation. When I strip this fear and look at the story again it’s almost hilarious to see how much I limit myself within ordinary matters. The fear of expanding, the fear of failure and the fear of losing control are directing me with my permission.

 

There is so much that I’ve feared and still so much to fear and all covered up by excuses, justifications and blaming others or situations. When I do get over them I’m nickering about it. Most of us will not call it fear, but once one can look in self honesty towards oneself one can spot fear from a distance.

 

Tonight I committed myself to commenting on FB. Effective, common sensical commenting on the issues others present to me. I did that before, when commenting on people, who are still within a spiritual phase. This caused a lot of friction and I labeled it as an ineffective way of communicating. My starting point was still one of reacting, tonight my starting point was one of understanding what was presented to me and stripping it down to the facts. Thereafter I commented in common sense on the facts that were presented to me to create awareness about the mechanisms that are behind our human behavior. I also committed to take responsibility for the words I write and speak, so here the fear for failure kicked in. A while after I had commented I was feeling oppressed as if my body was restricting and limiting my breathing and was saying, directed by my mind, no expansion here. I stopped and applied the four count breathing. I told myself that all reactions of others on my words are not something I can direct and take responsibility for, If I wrote my comments in self honesty to be effective in making a change/difference than that’s all to consider for me.

 

Expanding is living, I don’t want to be dead before I die. I will face all my fears one at a time and will probably have a good laugh about it when this is all over, dead or alive.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist new realisations before applying and correcting myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not want to see the light cubes to light the stove, while it was obvious where they were. I had seen it there before, but totally blocked it while searching.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to block a practical memory about where to find the light cubes.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be afraid for failing in lighting up the fire.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and not experiment with lighting the fire, knowing that P. would come home and comment on it.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take P.’s comments personal, while all I have to work with are the facts that are here. The reactions of P. are his business. I can point it out but not take responsibility for.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear failure and losing control when it comes to expanding myself within this world.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to comment on other people their words from the starting point of reacting.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cause friction through the words I used, while using a dishonest starting point.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to the word dishonest and realising that this means I’m not only a nice person, there is also evil inside of me.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear for the words I’ve written while commenting in self-honesty, showing myself that my self value is still unstable.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel oppressed by fearing expanding.

 

 

A bloody story 19/11/2010

Two monts ago I had horrible abdominal pains. So severe that I couldn’t walk or talk while I had such a shooting pain. Since it was a pain in the abdomen I checked my calender. And yes, my menstruation was about to start. I wanted to participate within daily life and not let this menstrual pain rule me. I did self forgiveness on the pain and self corrective statements to not participate within these pains.

 

When at the age of 14 my menstruation started I had horrible pains and heavy bleedings for at least 10 days in a row and a menstruation that was always late. Waiting and waiting on this inevitable nightmare to start. Me becoming the pain and not only experiencing it. Than all the embarrassment. It was begin nineties when I was 14 and my mom showed me what to wear when I was having my period. An elastic band on my waist with two elastic bands downwards with a button on both bands connected to a huge sanitary towel made out of terry. Fashion in those years was tight, so I knew for sure that everybody saw my huge diaper. Back home I had to put this sanitary towel in a bucket with a lid on it filled with water. I can still remember the smell of it, disgusting. Than the disposable sanitary towels were introduced and I talked my mom into buying these. Some time later also the tampons were introduced. I had such heavy bleedings and my undergarments were always full with blood stains, I couldn’t sleep through the night without changing my towel. Than my mom found special panties, just the thing for me. Plastic panties! After a few times of being washed in the washing machine they started to squeak when I moved. When I walked at school I was sure everybody could hear me squeaking and in my imagination I saw everybody finger pointing at me. After 7 years of menstruation hell I decided to try the birth control pil to calm down all these physical discomfort. That worked for most of the discomfort, my swelling breasts was something I had to live with. After I had my daughter A. and my son J. my menstruation was normal and punctual even without taking this pil. I was quite happy with this new situation. As it goes with many things, when things get better you tend to forget how bad it was before. Therefore I didn’t expected these pains two months ago, but it took me right back into my memory.

 

After I did my self forgiveness I felt some what better, nevertheless I was tired after quite some hours of pain. I decided to lay down for a while and do the four count breathing. After a few hours of laying down, I decided to get up and not let this pain influence me anymore. I was going to stand and not be the pain anymore, let alone participate within it. The pain faded away within a few hours and my menstruation broke through. The first three days I had more pain than usual and the bleeding was more severe, as well as the duration of my menstruation.

 

Last month around the time that I had to menstruate I feared the pain again. I couldn’t believe that I applied my self forgiveness effectively enough. I didn’t trust myself when it goes about fighting the battle with my worse nightmare. I nevertheless again applied self forgiveness on these points. My menstruation was normal as always.

 

Yesterday it was already a month later and I felt some pain in my upper legs and feared again these horrible pains. My mind stepped in and whispered something about my effectiveness within self forgiveness. How many times do I need to proof to myself that I can stand and apply self forgiveness in an effective way? I probably have to proof to myself that I’m able to not participate within these thoughts and therefore stop the mind.

 

So many times I wished for my menopause, I better do some self forgiveness on that. Having no menstruation ever again sounds tempting. Though these kind of so called choices do come always with down sides. No menstruation is menopause and that can be hell again. Still the best option in this all is stopping the mind and gaining self trust within applying my self forgiveness.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to shame myself for having my menstruation while in schol.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that others could see  and hear that I was menstruating.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself through the eyes of others while having my menstruation as a teenager.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within my mind and believe that I’m enslaved through my mind within my menstruation.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop the mind till so far.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that stopping the mind is maybe not possible within this life time.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wish for my menopause, knowing that the menopause isn’t going to solve things. Stopping the mind is solving all.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I haven’t got the self trust to stop the mind and stop all pain within my menstruation.