Hands of Light 12/09/2010

This blog is connected to the following vlog http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-pAnYsegoo

The temptation of the desire to be noticed and resentment to work on myself takes me into the defense mechanism as personality of: Self-justifier and Self-perfecter.

With my participation within Reiki/Light work I felt worthy and it gave me an identity. It gave me self value and a value that others gave to me. I started Reiki out of the desire to help others and I even resented the idea to use Reiki on myself. In my opinion the world was in need and I didn’t’ need anything to work on myself. I was okay. Though whenever, within Reiki groups, others practiced on me I feared them finding my dark side. When I look back, I did it all in full consciousness and I knew there was something abusive going on. Though my drive for “helping others”, wanting to be noticed and to be somebody, pumped up my ego in such an extensive way that I couldn’t see any possibility to let go of this ego point within me. It came down on letting this personality die and move on.

As soon as I found Desteni I also started to browse their web-site for information on Light Work/Reiki. I found exactly what I already deep inside knew, but what I was afraid of, to be true. Energy and therefore energy work isn’t real, but is a make belief world. It only created an dependency for me on energy through which I didn’t move myself by principle. The energy was a deception and a distraction of what I really had to take on. Not wanting to face myself. Knowing in moments the truth of the situation and knowing what’s best for me, but denying these moments by allowing and accepting myself to participate within my mind.

This need for helping others with positivity and love was done by me from a starting point of fear. The fear that others will find out the dishonesties within me. So I tried to cover it up with this helping/caring/loving attitude to see myself as a better person. Being a better person is going against the law of equality which means I wasn’t acting in the best interest of all. This fear  of being exposed was an illusion so I did remain trapped within the polarity-circle of good and bad.

Believing in a higher force that provides me with energy to spread love and positivity is giving away my responsibility. It’s holding tied onto a personality and purely self-interest to find a way to make my world work according to my rules.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to fear applying oneness and equality, because I fear letting go of my mind, because I know that if I apply me effectively I will change and change is what I fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to believe that love can change the world.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to manipulate myself and give this false image of myself to hide my dark side.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to value myself more by doing energy work, instead of seeing that energy is a delusion.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to feel the need to get self worth outside myself, instead of being my own directive principle.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to cling on to an identity based on energy, instead of realizing that both energy and identity are an illusion.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to believe that identity is part of Self and when taken away Self will no longer exist. Instead of seeing that identity is unstable and Self is stable therefore Self and identity can’t be the same or from the same origin.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to help others out of the fear to be exposed for dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to believe that I was okay and only the world needed help, instead of seeing that I was denying myself by not wanting to face myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to deny myself and not willing to face myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to fear the dark side in me, not realizing that giving attention to the dark side is taking me in this polarity loop of good and bad.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to participate within the polarity of good and bad.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to feel the need to be noticed, noticed as a good person.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to fear not being a good person and being exposed as a bad person. So I will have no where to hide from this and lose myself in the end.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to let my ego run my life, instead of taking responsibility and being my own directive principle.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to believe that my ego is part of Self instead to see that ego is part of the mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to be an addict to energy and creating a make believe world from this energy.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to be an addict to energy and therefore not moved myself by principle.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to act in self interest by being a better person and giving me the ability to make my world work.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to believe in a higher force that provides me with energy so that I do not have to take responsibility.

When and as I see myself participating within the pattern of wanting to help others. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that wanting to help others is fearing others to find out the dishonesties within me. I stop, I breathe and do not participate within this pattern, instead I take responsibility in facing myself and not lose myself within the polarity of good and bad and do what’s best for all.

I have been taken hostage… 04/09/2010

I have been taken hostage by my own mind and I didn’t do anything about it. I manipulated my inner and outer world and knew there was something smelling fishy, but didn’t do anything. Now I’ll stand and do a chart on one of my mind control issues.

Chart 30/8/2010 event 1: Having my menstruation while a “social” event outside the house takes place.

The temptation of resentment takes me into the defense mechanism as the personality of: Self-realizer.

The resentment for doing these “fun” events outside the house make me go into a defense mechanism of knowing there is something that needs to be corrected and there’s a pattern that needs to be stopped and directed. Till now I haven’t corrected myself within this pattern and didn’t apply the knowledge that I gained through years of experience. The fear of loss was too extensive and real to me to be able to do something about it. The only thing I did so far was manipulating situations wherein I was having my menstruation. Going out dancing, but not feeling secure about myself. I left early or didn’t go and justified it with me having my menstruation. Going to other peoples houses and bring them a visit, but not being really comfortable with these people. I justified me not wanting to go to these people with a whole lot of reasons, but the most inconvenient was my menstruation. Going camping and always having my period no matter when we planned the trip. I think I do like camping, but I do not like having to go to dirty toilets, showering in dirty showers, cooking in most inconvenient situations and sleeping uncomfortable in the tent. So I probably do not like camping after all. Why should one put oneself through such an experience when one has far more luxury at home. What kind of sick entertainment is this? These are only a few examples, but there are many many of them.

I did not only manipulated the situation, but also my own body. I manipulated the situation and my body out of fear to lose control over my own life. I didn’t allowed myself to explore new situations in which I felt a lot of anxiety, so I could see for myself that I was able to breathe through those experiences and nothing would have happened to me. The moments that I did leave my safe home the fear made it impossible for me to enjoy myself. This fear of maybe not being in control over my life has always been consuming me totally. The basic fear behind the fear of not being in control is fear of loss.

Now I see how powerful my creative powers are I need to stop this pattern and apply Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resent activities outside my safe home.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being all by myself outside my safe home and therefore resenting activities outside the house.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear new situations outside my safe home and thinking I’ll lose control over myself when in a new situation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that unknown situations are unsafe and making me lose control over my life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that losing control means the end of me, death.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe my resentment for new situations is something real and therefore I’ve to justify this believe by confirming it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that this feeling of resentment for the unknown situations is real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have these feelings of losing control and not seeing that those feelings are a deception and therefore a distraction of what is real.

When and as I see myself participating within the pattern of fearing to lose control. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that I’m fearing to lose myself. I stop and realise that losing myself is impossible. I haven’t been able to proof to myself that losing myself is real and standing the test of time and therefore it is not valid. I no longer participate within this pattern when I’m confronted with it and breathe through my own deception.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not correct myself within this pattern of fearing to lose control.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my inner and outer world while having my menstruation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others out of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear me and my creative powers while having my menstruation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to  limit myself within exploring myself within new “social” experiences.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to loss myself while exploring myself within new “social” experiences.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel anxiety when I’m in “social” experiences, unknown and known.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself when outside my safe house within a “social” experience.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the loss of control when enjoying myself within “social” experiences.

When and as I see myself participating within the pattern of limiting myself out of fear of loss.I stop, I breathe. Within this I realise that exploring/allowing/enjoying myself within social events isn’t going to make me lose myself. Whenever I see this pattern, I stop, I breath and I will not participate within it.