Owner of the ring of death 26/06/2011

The other day I was preparing dinner in the kitchen when I accidently was stuck with my ring into a plastic bag holder. When the ring got stuck I didn’t notice yet what was happening, only when I pulled my hand back I felt a pang through my ring finger. I had to literally move back towards the holder to release my finger and ring from the holder. Right away I cooled my finger with cold running water. It really did hurt and all I, at first, could remember as a physical experience, was being pulled back in a rough manner. Pulled back by myself, which is in itself a interesting metaphor to look into.

Last winter I took off my wedding ring, to break the spell of my marriage and the cycles of wanting and fearing within such a relationship. We had started to transcend our relationship into an agreement and to close the marriage I decided to no longer wear the ring as a symbol of my marriage with P. In this process I already mentioned in on of my vlogs that my silver ring would also be an interesting story to investigate. I never forgot this promise to investigate the purpose of wearing the silver ring, but couldn’t put myself in an active position to do so and instead I postponed the research indefinitely.

There was also sentiment attached to the silver ring. I bought this ring with my self made money, when I was 19. At first the big silver ring with a black hematite confirmed my identity of being different and having my own style. Later within this 24 years of wearing the ring I gave much value to the black stone, the hematite. I found out that this stone was avoiding high blood pressure. Since my blood pressure was always perfect I knew it was because of the stone. I had no cross reference of course to see if it really had an effect on my health, I simply believed it and wasn’t willing to risk my health. The last years it was sentiment that made me still wear this ring, it had become part of me, since it traveled 24 years with me.

While not really being sure about which of these points the ring was really representing to me, I did some muscle testing since a long time, to see where it would lead me. It immediately became clear that the ring, for me, stood for diseases and negative thoughts. It was holding all my fears for diseases and negative self-sabotaging thoughts related to disease in place. In other words the ring was the confirmation of the cycle I was trapped in for many years. Then I muscle tested a sentence from a book that said: “your always getting what you desire”, even if it’s a negative desire. So I was physically pulled back by my own body to say stop to these abusive thoughts and fear for disease I have had for so many years. A turning point.

Where I first was convinced that the ring stood for my relationship with money and a circle that had to be broken, I ended up with an unexpected twist. I really wasn’t aware of holding on to this belief, of seeing pain as a horrible lethal disease, and holding it in place by wearing this ring and not wanting to take it off. Not that this disease and negative thoughts point was a surprise or something new to me. I’ve worked already with this point and approached it from different angels. I knew that I was still holding on to this belief, but I had no idea where to look for the beginning of the circle that stands for the fear of death.

I have been having a lot of pains lately in my breasts, of which I at first was sure that it would be the end of me. For several months I had painful swollen lumpy breast according to my menstruation cycle. Normally I had this discomfort for about 2 weeks a month, lately it was 3 weeks in a month. Then when that went back to normal I developed pain in my arms and pain above my breats. Whenever I disappeared into my mind I knew for sure that I was going to die from it. When in the present and while investigating it, I saw that my 2 finger typing on a not so smooth keyboard during my mind constructs had caused me quite some muscle pains. Pains within muscles I didn’t know I had, but no reason to visit the first aid or a oncologist for breast cancer. So when looking in common sense at these pains they were all explainable within common sense.

I already worked with this point of belief, but this time it showed itself in a different way, a different layer to work with. The Self-Forgiveness is focussed on the new points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that undefined pain means death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to feel pain and being pulled into a cycle of fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death and losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself and not being in control over losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having thoughts about illnesses and physically manifesting them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my lack of responsibility in not facing my own creative powers when it comes to sisease thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear the illness thoughts who I already throughout my life have accumulated to become real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself and therefore believing that I need to be in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick of myself for hating myself so much that I deserve pain and disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick of myself for not taking fully responsibility and not fully facing myself and therefore wanting to punish myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with these thoughts and therefore abuse life, instead of embracing life and embracing myself.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of abusive thoughts towards myself. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as self-sabotage thoughts and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

Russian scenes or simply taking an exam? 24/06/2011

I watched a video clip of Russia Today about Russia having the highest teen suicide rate in Europe. The video talked about increases of suicides around the late December and early June exams. Teens experience these periods as highly stressful and for some it is too much to take or to cope with on their own. Russian experts say that these emotional stress builds up over time and when parents are able to see what their kid is dealing with they rather be not confronted with it and want to continue life as normal. Russia is quite underdeveloped when it comes to psychological help and according to the video there is not much  to do about it in the current Russian society. Yearly 4000, mainly
girls, take their own life’s due to exam related emotional stress.

I myself have a teenage daughter that is going through her final Middle School exams, right now. I also, just as the Russian parents, saw that the stress was building up. Where my daughter A. had this attitude of “all is going to be fine”, during the school year, she now is aware that she can’t make a huge difference anymore. Just not fucking up the exams. She payed attention in the classroom during the years, wasn’t a big fan of doing homework. Therefore she reduced homework to a minimum. This year she had to choose her future school career, is it going to be High School or all the way up to University. A lot of stress when you’re just 14.

So 2 weeks ago I asked A. if she wanted to talk or blow off some steam. I couldn’t look the other way like the Russian parents in the video. I knew that with a little bit of common sense we could tackle A.’s problems. Not that I’m a magician, but simply because common sense takes things apart without emotions and feelings involved. And of course I did also, many years ago my exams, which was indeed a stressful and emotional period in my life. Though never to this point of wanting to end my life. Probably because kids nowadays are moving in such a fast interactive multi media world and they’re constantly impulsed by tv, social networks, mobile phones. Looking at it now I had quite a protected youth, simply because cell phones were not yet normal in the streets-cape, internet was not yet for the average people and still in its research phase, television had only 3 channels in Holland. We simply had to entertain ourselves, on which my generation did a better job than when I look at my own kids how they sometimes get bored due to overstimuli and an excess of virtual entertainment.

Anyway back to the exam stress, A. and I sat down and A. started to cry. It was indeed too much at this point, no suicidal too much, but emotions and feelings pulling and pushing her all over the place. While explaining after she calmed down what was kind of holding power over her, was this feeling of being tossed around by her own energetic charges. During the year she did her stuff, but as most teens nothing more then required. A. has been debunking a lot of her textbooks for what was written in it, but of course that was a no go area with her teachers. However when you see how you’re being fooled it’s even harder to try and learn the stuff. A. went into her exams with a 7 ( out of the 10) as her average mark. Not too bad for doing the minimum and being down graded as a foreigner. Nevertheless according to A. not high enough to not worry for her exams.

A. told me that for the last 6 months the teachers had been scaring the students for the exams and told that they didn’t work hard enough and that flanking was a real possibility. This fear management of the teachers was quite severe and in a way I do understand this kind of psychology to try and get these youngsters to work. But fear is not the tool to learn them self-responsibility and even enjoying to master information and see where to apply it. Of course being able to apply the learned information is an utopia in our current school system. So the teachers on one hand scared the shit out of A., it was feeding into her insecurity. Did she put enough effort in her school work or not, was a constant question on her mind, now she couldn’t change that anymore and only work with the consequences.

On the other hand a lot of the students who did their exams last year and the years before said that the exam was really easy and they didn’t have to study for it, everybody was passing anyway. This message was one that A. wanted to hear of course, but she didn’t trust it due to the information the teachers had been giving in a agressive way. It was simple A.was trapped in a polarity going from one side to the other, the exams are difficult versus the exams are easy. Further more this polarity was opening up all kind of teenage insecurities, till a point that the only future projection A. could do was fear. Not even anymore being able to name the fear game. No wonder she felt overwhelmed by her own accepted and allowed manifestation.

We dissected the polarity and all the turmoil that was attached to it and now she was able to see what it was that was holding her in place, within this fear. Really cool to do this with your child and to see that she was capable of opening up this point with a little bit of “objective” support from outside. If A. a 14 year old girl can do it, then all of us can do it and interpret our world according to what is really here and what needs our real attention to be an effective being and become of value for society in an equal way, where outcomes are best for all, because we understand life and know what we’re doing or dealing with.

A. did her 4 written exams, a national multiple choice exam and her oral exam is scheduled for the 28th of June. She said, till so far the teachers did lie to us about the exams and till so far everybody was allowed to attend the exams. All of a sudden all had an average mark of at least a 6, while their marks could impossible lead up to this average. Hhmmm, a nice introduction to society, showing the students what corruption in action is, because that’s the point they will remember.

My foster tree 09/06/2011

About 2 months ago we received a letter from a country house in Bologna, addressed to my partner P. A letter in a fancy envelope and printed on the same fancy paper. First I thought it was advertisement, but those companies don’t use fancy paper. We do not know any country house in Bologna, so curiosity made us read the letter. I was astonished about the content of the letter when P. read it to me.

 

The letter explained that we were the happy foster parents of a peach tree. When at the tree, end of spring, will bear fruit we would get 15 kilo’s of peaches. A variety of peaches from lower and higher branches, so that not all fruit would be over mature after shipping. We looked at each other and I said, what are we going to do with 15 kilo of peaches. We don’t eat marmelade, I could make a cake, but that’s not going to make the 15 kilo away. I suggested to give portions away to people who we knew were in financial trouble just like us not so long ago.

 

The question was still, why are we all of a sudden foster parents of this tree? It was not hard to see through the money making “sceme” of this country house. I’m not saying this in a negatively way, but it’s clear that they needed money and started this “ecological hype” of adopting trees. The 15 kilo’s of peaches were guaranteed, which means that either our tree makes more than 15 kilo’s so there is no risk and the tree can even function as another adoption project for another person or the country house buys from third parties when the tree produces less than 15 kilo’s. Letting all conspiracies aside, the letter explained that my father-in-law had adopted the peach tree for us.

 

Another surprise, since we broke all contact in winter when I clearly could see how we, my parents-in-law and my brother-in-law kept an abusive behavior alive revolving around money. After we broke the contact we  still received a few hate mails and they tried to communicate with our kids. Our kids were stable and well informed about what had happend over the last 5 years and therefore not subject to manipulation. So there was this big silence and now the silence was broken by the letter from Bologna. The letter didn’t of course explain why we all of a sudden were the proud parents of a tree. No surprise e-mail from my in-laws to explain anything, just this letter on fancy paper.

 

I simply couldn’t see the common sense in the whole tree issue. First of all I have a garden full of a variety of fruit trees, there are country houses here in the area that offer the same adoption plans, this way the peaches didn’t have to travel about 200 km from Bologna to here. Then there was still this why, why this gift from my in-laws. My mind started producing some answers, they want to make up for what happened. They can only think in money and gifts to try and solve problems so they came up with this. They think that they know us, so they selected an ecological country house and a ecological tree, to met our concerns for the environment. The most practical way would be to ask them, but I do not want give them “hope” on reinstalling our past abusive relationship. So the most practical options is therefore no option. I let it go and deal with it again when the peaches and if the peaches would arrive.

 

Yesterday a courier rang at the gate, with 3 flattened, heavy cardboard boxes. I signed, but I had still no clue what was in the boxes. I looked again and saw yellow, within a flash I remembered my tree. OMG this is 15 kilo of peaches! At least not a complete sceme, since the peaches arrived. After inspecting them we saw that almost all the peaches were over mature and several ready to throw away immediately. The splashed peaches had wettend the cardboard boxes and the boxes were crushed due to the moist.The boxes were made out of fancy, with leaves printed cardboard, but the good old wood boxes would have been less appealing but not less effective.

 

P. handpicked the peaches and brought several kilo’s to several people. My son J. and his dad came up with the idea to make juice out of the rest of the peaches. For juices you need a lot of fruit and in this case we had a lot of fruit. I’ve no idea if the foster tree was only a one year deal or if we will receive peaches ones a year from now on, the letter didn’t tell. The best options in order to move on, is to call the country house and inform if this is a longterm lease. If so I will opt for breaking the contract or at least not receiving the fruit the coming next years. Then it’s up to my father-in-law if he still wants to sponsor this country house, because that’s what this is all about, marketing. And our relationship that can’t be fixed by marketing, only time will show us if the relationship will stand the test of time.

 

Before I would feel manipulated by my in-laws, now I see the manipulation and I do not participate. That’s what living by the principles of life has brought me so far and I’m enjoying it every day more.

 

Tunnel vision 06/06/2011

Shopping has got a whole other dimension since I live in a small village far away from cities with a variety of shops and big shopping centres. Lack of money has put me with two feet on the ground and put consumerism in another perspective. Not that I ever was a shop-o-holic, but when shops are at hand, it’s convenient and I tend to purchase faster. By living in the countryside my shopping behaviour while living off the grid and with that my need for going to different shops, has subsided over time. When we really need something, mostly practical stuff, we google which city is best to go to or we order online. However there is one shop which makes my heart beat faster, it’s the fabric store. As a dressmaker it’s almost paradise to me. I mostly go there for or with clients to assist purchasing their fabric and buy on sale for myself. When I see this variety of fabrics my thoughts create all kind of outfits.

This time I needed a piece of fabric with a difficult greyish color for a client and fabric for a new tracksuit for my son J. Together with my son J., we went by car to the town where the fabric store is situated. We had a lot of fun, just the 2 of us, going shopping on a Saturday afternoon. To get to this city we have to take 2 tunnels, a long one and a shorter one. I’ve never liked driving through these kind of tunnels. Driving in general was an exhausting experience for me. Till a year ago I allowed too much visual input, which resulted in headaches and severe tiredness after as few as 40 minutes of driving. I literally saw all, from my left eye corner to my right eye corner. All leaves from trees and grasses in detail, houses in detail, traffic going by etcetera. I saw it all at the same time while driving with an average speed of 100 km per hour on the highway. It was too much, overwhelming and therefore I refused to drive long distances for long periods. This overload of visual impulses I managed to reduce to normal levels of input through the Desteni I process tools. By slowing myself down, since my mind was doing overtime, and staying in the here and now. Staying in the physical instead of wandering around in my mind and concentrating on my breath, I was able to put things again in perspective.

The tunnel took a bit longer before I recognized what I was allowing it to do with me. Whenever my partner P. drove I closed my eyes while driving through the tunnel. A sudden tiredness would come over me and an irresistible urge to close my eyes followed by  sleep that took me over. At a certain moment I forced myself to keep my eyes open and investigate what was making me feel this sleepy. I noticed that it had to do with the yellowish lights in the tunnel that repeated itself every 100 meters. The lighted area’s and the dark ones alternated in a specific rhythm. This formed a visual picture of half circles that seemed to come towards me, go over me and followed by the next circle to pass by. It gave me this hypnotic state and heavy eyelids. I disliked tunnels, because I disliked this hypnotic state and even more while driving. I feared to lose control and fall into this hypnotic sleep while driving. So I was fighting to keep my eyes open, but in reality I was fighting myself to not lose control over myself. I blamed, like a little child the tunnel for these hypnotic circles, while it was my mind that perceived it this way and I allowed and accepted my mind to do so. Therefore I stopped and looked at it again and saw that it was simply the shift between light and dark that gave the impression of circles coming towards me. Staying in the physical, seeing the lights for what they were and slowing myself down, made me see that I had given super powers to the tunnel, while it was me making this all up and fearing it.

So J.and I drove through the long tunnel and it reminded me of my struggle with keeping awake in the tunnel. I told J. that those rings or half circles were something I was afraid of before and that I blamed the tunnel for it’s super hypnotic powers over me. J. laughed, he thought it was funny. I laughed too, because it was funny and the best practical way to deal with it. Just having a good laugh about it. Then J. said, what do you mean with rings? I said, well these black rings that are coming towards us. I saw him staring through the front window of the car and he said, I don’t see it. I was amazed and even a bit irritated. I thought he was joking around with me, so I explained it in other words and more precise and then he said, oh now I see it. Now he was amazed, because he hadn’t been aware of these rings at all. He laughed again. I thought fuck! Now whenever he goes into this tunnel he’ll see it through my mind-fuck. If I hadn’t pushed him to see what I had seen he would still be pure and simply see a tunnel. Why did I pushed him instead of telling him the story, there was no need for me to let him experience my story for himself. I wanted to share myself with my son, but sharing wasn’t enough I had to drag him into my fucked-upness, just to make my egoistical point.

I would say we’re all contaminated with a tunnel vision, the way we see things we want others to see it , no matter what. Since we all have the truth on our side. We know it’s delusional, but we rather blame the others for being delusional than admitting it’s us who want to be right all the time. In a way we never transcended childhood, but unlearned how to be a child. To just see things for what they are, without the burden of memories and fears. We can get there once again by redefining our world for what it is, without opinions and beliefs from the grown up world. It’s a hell of a process, but I’ve taken it on and I will not stop till all are equal and seeing the physical for what it is. Simplicity.

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