Closing my mind construct with a dream 08/01/2012

After working on my last Mind Construct within a series of MC’s, I realized as I always do how I’ve been deluding myself, lost myself within side paths and absolutely not having taken self-responsibility. One realization that made me look further into my current physical reality, in order to correct myself right away, was the point of wanting to control my environment out of fear of loss. I realized that I had been controlling through manipulation and dishonesty throughout my life to sooth this fear of loss inside of myself, which obviously didn’t work  and I made myself go even deeper into this pattern of control. So the realization I had was to stop the control and to self-direct my life, it sounds so simple and it amazed me that I hadn’t figured it out before, but then again how could I while being busy controlling and being blinded by fear. So the veil lifted for a moment and I saw clear and within that moment it made a deep impact on me and I made the commitment to change myself within this point of control when it would occur again within my physical reality.

Then my partner P. told me that our friend E. had suggested to come together with all Italian Destonians at our place. The first response I had was; when are they planning to come and are they planning on staying over? Before, I would see this as a highly positive characteristic of my personality, to always be prepared and organize things. Now after speaking the words I saw how I was trying to control my world with so called practical issues. P. responded with I have no idea, the plan so far is to gather together then we will see  how to fill it in. I remember this was a point of irritation that P. didn’t know what was exactly going to happen. I could not even enjoy in that moment what was shared with me I was pre-occupied with the future to come. On top of a feeling of misery of not knowing what was exactly going to happen I spit out the following phrase; hopefully they do not expect of me that I’ll speak about my process in Italian, because I’m not an Italian in that way, I’m a foreigner in Italy who can’t express herself that refined. At that point P. started mirroring back what I had said. It became all clear to me, but yet not clear enough that I could stop and correct myself before even speaking these words.

Also a point within this MC was my life in Italy and how I’m dealing with the language. Not being able to correct myself in that moment or even before, was like being told how my new computer works and now having to run it on my own. I knew how, but I had to correct myself on the fly or afterwards. So I saw how I was manipulating, blaming and judging myself and everyone else for only one reason; controlling my reality. I said to myself, look this way it isn’t going to work, you’ve done that for a long time and it didn’t work, so time for a change and start directing yourself within your life. And that was the point where I left the day for what it was and went to bed.

Although I do not remember many dreams I have or even do not know that I dream, this dream was quite vivid. It started in a loft that I didn’t recognize but it had the kitchen like our last neighbors in Holland had and my red couch was there. I was sitting on the couch with my partner P. and our friend E. and A. a new member of the group. We were discussing stuff and every time there came more people into the room, some I vaguely recognized others not. After a while there were a lot of people in the loft and I felt irritation coming up, but it was more a feeling of being controlled by the situation. Then one guy opened the door and said something, on which we all reacted with;  wow that’s an abuser he needs to be blocked. Before I knew it E. jumped off the couch and took all of a sudden her black long hair off and showed a blond buz cut underneath while she started confronting the “abuser” with what he had done.

Then the dream jumps in time and it’s the next morning, all people are still there. Most women are standing around a massive sink doing their hair and brushing their teeth. Oh and I was walking around naked and I stated that I wasn’t going to do things different from normal, those uninvited people had to get used to my way of doing.This is funny because I do not walk around my house naked all day. Then one woman comes up to me and asks if I have oil or something to put in her hair to remove the tangles. That was the moment where I exploded due to the heavy feeling of being controlled by the situation. I asked her how the hell she dared to ask me such a question as if I was a store or something. The woman disappeared and I left the room on the loft full of frustration.

I went over the hallway towards another room at the other end of the loft. I stepped into a room that was darkish yet lightened with a bed light. I went in and then I realized that I had gone into the room of the son of the lady I clean for. So I turned around to leave the room noiseless and leave the kid in peace. At that moment I was calmed down a bit and decided to go downstairs. The hallway and the stairs looked like the one in my current house only one level higher and therefore things felt familiar again.

I decided to stop this madness and move myself downstairs, yet whenever I tried to put my foot forward to go down the stairs the step disappeared or went down out of my reach. Frustration came up again and the fear of not being able to leave this situation that I experienced as controlling me. Then I took a deep breath and said to myself you do not need to control this stairway you need to direct yourself. I held onto the guardrail and with my eyes closed I reached with one leg down and with the tip of my toe I searched for the step to be felt. And I did feel the step, I took it and did the same action again and again. At that point I woke up saying to myself, I need to direct myself and no longer wanting to control my environment.

That was quite a cool dream full of symbolism and confirming my self corrective statement about control versus self-direction. The first part of the dream the situation was controlling me, because I let it control me. The only way I dealt with the situation was fighting the situation and trying to control it to be in power of my reality. The fighting I saw by being naked and all others in clothes, not wanting all these people in my house without inviting them and therefore reacting snabby at the lady who asked for oil. Then when I tried to escape my urge to control and left the room full of people, I went into this childrens bedroom and again entering a situation that I hadn’t come up with myself. Calming down and leaving noiseless to control the stairs and then finally getting the message that controlling and fighting isn’t the way to live within the system. Only at the point where I trusted myself and saw myself as a stable factor I became confident enough to direct myself and  to move from moment to moment from breath to breath.

The next day when my partner P. was out working I decided to take the cat on a walk how P. and I always do when he’s home. I asked my son if he wanted to join, though he wasn’t interested. Then I asked my daughter and neither she was interested. I looked at myself and said: you are again controlling your reality by manipulating others into joining you and the cat on a walk, you can do the walk yourself. For a moment I decided not to take the walk and then I said to myself: direct yourself and take a walk if that is in the best interest of all. And I decided it was and of we went the cat and I.

Do you want to learn how to interpret your dreams? Join us at the Desteni forum at www.desteni.org or start a course to learn to know yourself and direct yourself at www.desteniiprocess.com. In the Eqafe store there is lots of videos and books to educate yourself. Have fun.

A revealing ride on a dirt road 02/03/2011

My daughter A. asked me if she and her brother J. were allowed to go playing at their friends house. Yes of course I said, and then A. said:” But you need to drive us there.” And indeed I was the only adult available who could drive them to their friends house and I wasn’t really unwilling to do so, yet I felt resistances. For a split second I noticed that my mind was searching for excuses and making this event of dropping of the kids into something heavy. The same split second I called myself to order and saw what was really bothering me, the dirt road.

The dirt road I fear. The dirt road is a 800 m long sandy road with a few sharp bends and with different heights. Already when taking this road to the house when driving on the main road is a 180 degrees bend and goes steep down. After all the snow we had and now a rainy period the road is turned into a dirt road and the bends are more like a swamp. I am driving a 4 x4 Feroza jeep from Daihatsu, so that’s a safe pair of wheels under my ass. It’s not so much the car I fear, it’s more fearing myself within driving on steep muddy roads.

So I took the kids and thought I’d got myself over the fear, but instead suppressed it, and drove away. While taking the bend and driving unto the dirt road I had already this ominous feeling, but suppressed it by saying: “don’t be so silly”. The road was as muddy as always and before I knew it I was on top of the hill in front of the house. The kids got out, I turned and took the dirt road back to the main road. Already after the first bend going steep down and entering this little valley, my eyes were fixed on the steep part up towards the asfalted main road. Again the same ominous feeling got hold of me. So that was the part I feared the most and indeed it’s a difficult part. I have to stop at the top of the steep part of the road, already 2 wheels on the asfalt and 2  still in the mud. If I’m lucky I can do the whole maneuver in one action, but at my right there is a house in my eyesight which doesn’t give me a clear image if it’s safe to turn to the right. At the same time I have to watch the traffic from the right, on the other side of the road, since I cannot make the turn without passing the other lane. This maneuver is therefore hard to take in one time, wich means that I have to do the inclining test on the steep part of the road.

I was lucky and could do the whole action in one go. While turning onto the asfalt road and not seeing much due to the house that was blocking my sight, I almost overran two pedestrians. There is no footpath so people have to walk on the road or in the muddy bank of the road. I was surprised and shocked at the same time when these pedestrians appeared at the right side of my car. I was still full of anxiety due to the steep bend, entering the main road and immediately my mind started within the secret mind a backchat blaming the pedestrians. “Those morons, how can they even think it’s a good idea to walk on this side of the road. I could have hit them and what then? Yes of course and then I’m the boogywoman. Stupid assholes”. With my heart beating in my throat I drove home and realised how a simple drive on a mud road had disembodied so much emotions, feelings and fears in me. The fear of thinking that I wasn’t capable of doing the inclining test the right way without sliding and entering the main road without causing an accident. I simply feared to lose control over my physical reality. So basically fear of loss and fear of death.

Simple events like this could even turn into ugly events. Lets say I confronted these pedestrians with their action, which wasn’t an action as a traffic violation, and I would act upon this energy inside me generated by the fear I just had experienced. I could have become violent and those people had no idea what so ever why, they themselves could even become angry with me and act violent back at me. Or I just drove by after driving close up to them and every time I would see these people in the village I could become angry on them again for the same thing. These people would grow in my mind into horrible people and all negative stuff possible that I would hear or find out about them, I would connect to their picture in my mind. One day I might snap and burst into a demonic anger and act upon that energy and harm those people physically while being possessed by their picture in my head.

Lucky enough I could see what was happening almost along the whole event, nevertheless I have to work through some fears, emotions and feelings here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the memory of inclining on the steep road and fear all the next experiences of doing the inclining test on that steep road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the memory of the inclining test on the steep road and feel already anxiety when not in this situation but only thinking of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the feeling of losing grip with my jeep on the steep dirt road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control by not being certain about my driving skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being secure of my driving skills due to memories that backs this feeling up.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself within driving, therefore within not trusting myself not trusting my driving.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow down and be in the moment to see that driving and doing the inclining test isn’t difficult and dangerous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control and seeing that as the worst thing that could happen to me, instead of asking myself what would happen then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose control and within this process fearing to lose myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose myself so I will diminish and no longer exists as in dead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful towards others to release a moment of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my reaction after experiencing fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the energy of fear and therefore not being in the here/present in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop myself while I’m in a situation that I already experienced before and knowing that it will not lead me anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop acting in the best interest of all while being possessed by fear, fear of loss and fear of death.

Money makes the world go round 25/01/2011

Today was a day of a lot of hard work and deconstructing myself. Normally I use the Sunday to put more time and effort into a blog, especially the ones on my WTF-blog, due to the fact that those articles are written in 3 languages. Today I spend a lot of time on a mind construct and made a daily blog out of it. It was a lot of work, some resistances and it revealed a lot, but once you start seeing the interconnections you understand that you could even dig for a week and still see loose ends. So, it has been an effective day.

I was about to make dinner so I could eat before my SRA-chat. Just when I went into the kitchen my partner P. said: “I’ve got an e-mail from my dad.” Lately this sentence is almost  equal to a 4-letter word. Over the last years e-mails from my father-in-law are for 90% loaded with emotions, which are entering our house in the moment while I’m reading it.

His e-mail started with the statement that he was not sure if he was doing a wise thing by doing this offer.

P. has been unemployed for over half a year and I tried to earn some money doing a lot of labour for little income. We didn’t get welfare so it was really scary to witness ourselves and see how we could survive. We survived with the help of a lot of helpful and generous people. We were allowed to have a certain amount of debt at the bank, which wasn’t preferable but necessary at that moment. The funny thing is that the bank freezes your bank account for cash withdrawals so how on earth are you going to pay for your groceries? Here in the mountains in central Italy paying with plastic is out of the ordinary in grocery shops. That leaves you no other option then generating black money. You have to survive.

So back to my father-in-law who didn’t know if it was wise what he wanted to offer. He offered to settle our debt at the bank and if the taxes in Holland permitted it, an amount of money every month, it sounded nice but there is always a but with him. The first thing I thought was: “why does he always want to fix things with money that don’t need to be fixed with money. He always gives or lends money and then everything should be okay.” I wasn’t happy with this thought, it was an ungrateful thought according to society’s morals and values. At the same time I knew that one cannot bribe everybody with money. Years ago we didn’t see the trick of being controlled with money by my father-in-law, after all a father shouldn’t do that to his own child, isn’t it?

Then P. said: “wait there is a BUT.” and indeed there were rules for being worthy to get this bail out. P. is only allowed to spend the monthly amounts of money on his family and no money may go to Desteni or other similar places. I know how money controls us all and that a certain level of control is inevitable, but this is extra control on top of the existing control from society. I said: ” no, thank you!”, P. said: “no, thank you!” We have been fighting a lot over the years about the fact that my father-in-law tries to control our life’s with his money. He denies it and we experience it. We stopped this control by not wanting any money washed in control, in fact we stopped all contact with my in-laws 1,5 week ago unless within equality and the best interest of all. This was his answer to being in equality and the best interest of all.

I was mad, mad for not leaving us in peace. In reality I was mad about myself for reacting to the e-mail. For reacting on the control that he again tried to force on us. Why is it so difficult to let us live our life according to what we perceive as what’s best for all?  This time I didn’t feel less, I was mad about the attack and the attempt to rule our life. I stood, I did stand up for myself only still within emotions and that made me mad at myself.

I should thank my wonderful brother-in-law to bring Desteni to the attention of his obsessive, controlling, money fearing father. Just to point out what the consequences are of his actions or is that the revenge of my ego speaking?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel mad at my father-in-law instead of seeing in that moment that I was mad at myself for not fully standing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel controlled by the money of my father-in-law and keeping myself still within the polarity of more and less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse help with rules and restrictions which makes me go into the polarity of more and less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of more and less.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel feelings of  revenge towards my brother-in-law not seeing that it always reflects back onto me.

Hiding behind the curtains 08/11/2010

Today I made the commitment to myself to finish the curtains for my client J.. I worked the whole morning and a little bit of the afternoon without constantly checking my computer, therefore no distraction. The curtains I made are of linen and produce a lot of dust and I’m constantly coughing. J. wanted curtains with loops to hang onto a rod. The linen fabric feels just like gauze bandage and is difficult to sew without damaging. To go short it’s just a lot of work. While working on it today I realised that whenever I have to do work that contains repeating patterns, I get bored and do not want to continue anymore. To make it more easy for myself I split the work up in different parts, like with the curtains I first cut all the fabric, than I made all the loops and than I completed every time one part of a pair of curtains. So I ordered the actions that had the same repeating sequences. Within the last part of completing one peace of a curtain I felt even more resistance. My mind kept on negotiating about the sequences, I committed to completing one peace at a time, but my mind wanted me to do first all the hems, than attaching the looses and than attaching the back cover. I kept to my commitment, but it was hard.

I’m really reliefed when I finish one part out of the sequence, a way of being able to oversee how much enslavement I still have to endure. Though by realising what was happening I wanted to find out what this was all about. Since my point of keeping in control is popping up everywhere, I wanted to know what this was all about instead of letting this go and deal with it on a later occasion. No hiding behind the curtains so to speak.

I muscle tested for the word lunacy. It’s lunacy that I’m doing these kind of repeating sequences. Or I commit and do the work without whining or decide to not do the work, one or the other. Than I searched for the underlining emotion or feeling and it tested out to be a feeling ; jubilant. This is all about the feeling I have when I finish the complete task. But what is this resistance I feel before I have to start these certain tasks? I mc tested if it was any feeling or emotion and it tested out to be a feeling; openness. It didn’t ring a bell, so I searched further and tested through a book. I tested the following part: “I understand. It’s just a matter of belief”. It’s a matter of believe that I think I need these sequences of action to be able to complete a task. So I need to be open with myself and direct self to commit to a task or not commit to a task. There is no need for me to put up a smoke screen, just do what I need to do and be transparent with myself without fooling around. There is no need to put feelings into the process of making curtains, it’s just what it is: making curtains.

I could also do a mind construct and go really in dept within this event, but that takes more time and for now this is all I have. I still have to translate a other blog article, so it will be late tonight anyways.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need these repeating sequences to complete a boring task.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel jubilant after finishing a part of a task or the complete task.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance while starting a task.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to be open with myself and direct myself without feelings that interfere.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe this lunacy and let me being distracted of what needs to be done within the physical.

Me and the blood type diet 05/11/2010

I really enjoyed watching Katie’s video’s on the blood type diet, like her, I’m also a blood type A. Katie isn’t following the diet in a rigid way, she keeps testing and experimenting with foods wether they’re assisting or none assisting to her body. This inspired me to google on the blood type diet. I looked up the information in different languages to see if there was a difference between the recommended food, but there wasn’t really any difference.

Looking into this I felt resistances inside me and I found out that it had to do with the word “diet”. Diet contains the word die and when I strip the Dutch word for diet, which is “dieet”, I get; those who eat. The word and the sound have only negative charges to me. So I decided to muscle test on the word “diet” and see what was hidden behind it. I tested out the word organized in the dictionary, meaning: the developers of a diet laid out a structure for me about what to eat and what not to eat. I do feel restraint when following a diet and immediately my oh so popular fear pops up. It’s all about the fear of losing control, when I follow a diet I’m bound to it and have no longer the “freedom” to choose the food that I prefer. As if freedom and choosing food is real. Okay so it’s out there, again the same fear from another perspective. When I was a child my parents called me stubborn for my persistent behavior of wanting to do it my way. In fact I wasn’t stubborn, instead I was a fearful child who kept herself on top of her life, in control, to not lose herself. In adulthood I took that fear with me and it’s just everywhere when I start digging.

The only 2 times when I followed a diet was before I got married, influenced by media, afraid to not fit into my dress. So stupid when I look at it now. I made my own wedding dress a couple of weeks before the wedding, so how many kilo’s could I gain or lose in that period of time to not fit into my dress anymore? Even if I would have changed 1 size more or less I could have easily adjusted that myself, so why even bother to diet. I hated the way I made myself prepare my food according to the diet. I stopped half way and labeled it as ridiculous. The second time isn’t that long ago when I turned around the whole family diet into a raw food diet. I could cope with this diet, because I made myself believe that it wasn’t a diet at all, it was a lifestyle. Weird how the mind functions, when I call it lifestyle it’s okay and when I call it diet I’m having endless reactions?? Both diet and lifestyle are ways to limit myself according to a organized schedule, I can’t see the difference. With the raw food diet I was locked into a health construct and wanted to avoid sickness and early death. Also quite ridiculous when I look at it now when time has passed by. We all die and we all get sick from time to time. I rather get to know my body and understand the sickness I attract.

Currently I’m eating according to what my body indicates as effective and nutritious food. To me that’s the best diet. It was funny to see that I automatically had avoided, certain food types throughout my life, which are according to the blood type diet the type of foods I do not well on. When I look at what’s best for all within the current economic system the blood type diet doesn’t pass the equality equation. We cannot equally apply this diet, due to the inequality of the amount of money each one of us has to spend. Not all the recommended food is available for all people. Most people are glad with any type of food. I’m living in the mountains of central Italy, there is no way I can lay my hands on all these foreign type of foods. According to my blood type A I’m not allowed to eat meat, tomatoes, flour, potatoes and pasta, that means no going out for dinner anymore or eating at a friends house. Rather impractical. I muscle tested if tomatoes are healthy for me and it tested out yes. For a moment I was puzzled, than I tested again if the tomatoes who are healthy for me are giving me a non preferable reaction inside my body and it tested out yes. Now I have to skip tomatoes and than eat them again to notice the difference. We’ll see, I’ve never experienced till now any physical reaction towards tomatoes ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a negative charge to the word “diet”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear organized programs that were not made by me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable while doings things according to another persons idea, this can be seen as assertive but in fact it’s based within fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I give up my freedom while following a diet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be labeled as stubborn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as stubborn and labeling this as positive, while in fact I feared losing control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the word stubborn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow the idea of being slim is the ultimate way to look like and accepting the  imprinting into me by the media.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the way I prepared my food according to the diet, while I was limiting myself with this diet without really checking if the diet was effective for my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the raw food diet as a lifestyle, while I was limiting myself in both ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through diets and not wanting to see what’s best for the body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the health construct.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to listen to my body.