Sylvia's writing to freedom

It’s happening to me, but it can’t be me causing it 23/04/2011

Yesterday I spoke with my mom on Skype and within the conversation she said:” and guess what happend to us?” I had no clue of what she was talking about. She said: “your dad and I were already saying that you would have said, it’s them again.” I got really curious and when she started talking about the chairs finally arrived, I kind of freaked out within my back chat. Not like nasty comments about her, but more doubting myself. My mind was speeding up and I had no clue what so ever about chairs. Did I miss out on something? How could I miss out on something? Had she told me about chairs? It’s not fair when I’m only interested in myself and forget about her chairs. What is so fucking important about chairs? I calmed down and decided to listen and found out about the chairs.

My parents bought 2 new chairs, the type that can be navigated with a device. A lazy chair where elderly people can take their nap or simply relax. She probably has told me about ordering these chairs and I probably have stored it as not important information and I probably thought I’ll hear about it whenever she gets back on it. So in a way no interest and for sure jealousy on a point I didn’t expected it from myself. They have been buying all kind of expensive stuff for their house lately, almost like a last big spending that must last till their death. With the current quality of goods it might not be the last spending. In the background I noticed that I was asking myself why they could spend like crazy and why I have to double check if I really need to buy specific food or just be happy with less. Of course I know why I fucked up financially and of course I know why my parents, while living in these surreal “good times of the seventies, eighties and nineties”, made it in life without having to put much effort in it. So why blaming others for making it financially in life and not willing to see that I’m blaming myself for my “failure”. That was obviously why my back chat started off initially as a self sabotaging chat and then revealed it self within jealousy.

The point about, why my parents were thinking about me, when the new chairs arrived is a point with a long history. Whenever they buy something, the product is broken or damaged or not what they expected it to be on a level of quality. I already for many many years tell them, it’s you guys who are causing this within your own life, and then they laugh. They think it’s funny when I say these things or that I’m being funny. Hell I’m not, I’m just ineffective in bringing across this message of “look what you created yourself”. While I was still in school and studying psychology I approached it from the angle of self-fullfilling prophesy, while being caught up in spirituality I approached it from a point of look what you are attracting and now while practising practivism I’ve asked them why they fear this point so much and why they are not able to see that they are creating this point from a never ending pattern.  This point and pattern has originated somewhere, but why should one even even bother to look into it if you can easily blame others for it and be in the comfortable position of a victim. I just do not get it.

I asked my mom if she never had noticed that when we both bought, lets say fabric, she always ended up buying inferior and bad quality and my purchase was fine. Her response to that was, that she always feared not buying good enough stuff. She always checked and double checked stuff she bought before paying for it. She taught me even what exactly to check and double check when I bought my own clothing, which I at a certain point perceived as really hilarious and coming from a point of fear I didn’t feel. Therefore I wasn’t willing to act on the fear of my mom. About 90% of the stuff I bought turned out as a good buy, so statistically seen not something to worry about. Interesting though is the fact that my mom admits that she fears this point and when I said that within fearing this point she manifested this point of a bad purchase. Well I don’t know she said. It’s you who is doing this to you, I said. I really don’t know she said, started giggling and blamed the owner of the chair shop some more.

If we’re not able to take responsibility for our own actions and creations, how can we expect others to do so and how can we expect the world to be less rough and aggressive if we’re not even able to stop our own back chats and creations. When it comes to my mom I’m done with it, I’d better focus on my own shit. She’s obviously deliberately not willing to face this point or all the other points, I cannot change that. Only planting little seeds now and then for her to reap. People who do not want to harvest will end up with nothing by their own “free choice” and nothing means really nothing. Where one manifest oneself into nothing, nothingness. I do feel the family strings towards my mom and dad and I do not wish them into nothingness, but in fact I do not wish anybody to end up in nothingness. And to be clear I’m not speaking about paradise or heaven here, I’m talking about manifesting yourself from the physical into nothingness that when you die you are no more. Being no more isn’t in the best interest of all, that’s egocentrically removing yourself from the equation by not taking responsibility. My God we can’t be that stupid as humanity, or are we?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous on my parents when they are spending their money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself within my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my financial failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I forgot information my mom shared and therefore not being a good girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-sabotaging back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within jealousy based back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ineffective when bringing across the message of not taking ones responsibility to my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not taking their responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents will end up in nothingness when they keep following the track they always followed.

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Too busy blaming others 10/04/2011

Too busy blaming others while I should have taken my responsibility and eliminating the source for the abuse of my child. This is one of those realizations I so to speak had rather not made, because it’s showing once again how also I am totally fucked up and giving attention to all the things that seem to matter, but not at those issues that really make a difference. Not seeing through the veils of my own deception. If I had taken my responsibility from the start, within a friendship of my daughter A. and another girl, things had still been able to direct and to manage. I didn’t direct myself for all kind of reasons and ended up blaming others for the same behavior that I already had exhibited.

And where one fucks-up there is always room for more fucked-upness. As also in this situation, where the lack of taking responsibility, in the case of abusive peer behavior connected to my lack of responsibility for my own sexual experiences ended up in the abuse of my daughter. Maybe an interesting mixture for a fantasy, abusive behavior and sexuality, but a disaster in real life.

I’m talking here about a back chat that started 2,5 years ago and ended this week. It all started with us, as a family, moving to another village and the kids who were starting at a new school. A. picked a new girlfriend out of the 7 girls in her class, all these girls had no girlfriend amongst those 7 girls and were desperate for friendship and seeking for acceptance and validation. The new girlfriend was manipulative, shameless within taking and wrecking our possessions.

The moment the girl started wrecking our stuff and being dishonest about it, I had to take my responsibility and confront the girl with her actions. I could have given her the choice of leaving or adjusting in the best interest of all. I justified myself by thinking that my insufficient knowledge of the Italian language could be a reason to not speak up to the girl. I even feared not being accepted and being seen as mean or not nice. Instead I told A. to tell the girl that I was not pleased, which was in fact abusing my authority as parent to neglect my responsibility and abusing my child through putting her in my role as a parent. I let the girl stay with us even after she misbehaved, wrecked and lied over and over again. This was a perfect breeding ground for my back chat and over time I started hating this girl for what she did and got away with. Not seeing that I didn’t stop this behavior that was absolute not in the best interest of all, therefore I let her get away with it. Deep down I knew it and I wasn’t willing to see that I hated myself for not taking responsibility and projected it unto the girl.

The friendship between A. and the girl became mentally abusive and later with the help of others also physical abusive. At that point the situation was already out of control and A. became the victim of bullying. The school had no protocol for this and did not label or recognize it as bullying. I blamed them for not taking their responsibility and conveniently forgot that I also had not taken my responsibility earlier in this whole event. Due to the fact that nobody was taking responsibility and the situation got out of hand A. got a burnout and stayed home for weeks. A. decided to continue with school at another Middle School in a nearby town. Things seemed sorted out and I not really looked into this point for myself again.

A year ago A. became friends with a girl here in the village and all seemed fine. Till the day the girl started acting quite free and feeling at home in our house. Out of the blue the girl started wrecking one of my chairs and without really noticing I  locked myself into my memories of the first girlfriend of A. I projected the whole memory/experience unto this girl and wasn’t able to see what was real, back chat or memory. Though not long after that I saw what was happening and I tried to stop it with self-forgiveness within the moment, although this was more SF out of fear for repeating the past and therefore not really effective. All that happend was suppressing the old memories and the new experiences getting twisted by the old one’s.

Before the girl could even do or say something, in my opinion she was already the one to blame. Then a couple of days ago I left the girl and my son in my car waiting, while A. and I went into the bookshop for school supplies. When I came back they were fooling around and making a lot of noise. I got irritated and in that moment I watched the girl more or less lying in the front seat with her jeans belt open. What is she doing, flashed through my mind. Are they making out in the car? They are kids! Within these back chat thoughts I could see how twisted my own ideas about sexuality are. So I pushed away and suppressed these thoughts and labeled them as ridiculous and bizarre and kind of wanted to separate myself from this part of me.

As I know by now, suppressing and pushing away isn’t going to do the trick it’s an ingredient for more fucked-upness. That night I woke up sweaty and feeling absolute shitty. I had a dream and the remains of it were still flashing and echoing through my head. I dreamed that my 11 year old son J. said, in this really nonchalant way:” oh yeah I also tried to have sex with the girl and then A. started yelling: Yeah I saw you guys having sex in the alley, really filthy.” In that moment I’m surprised about what the kids are saying, it feels really surreal. I tell myself that we do not have an alley, as if that makes up for something. I slowly wake up and get this image of me entering the bathroom while J. is in the shower. When looking at his silhouette through the shower doors I see he has an erection. In that moment I am ashamed of seeing it, though I know this happens to 11 year old boys. Then I really are awake and feel awful and ashamed. When really back in reality I feel an arousal within my genitals. I want to hide, but there is nowhere to go, I feel so ashamed of myself. Why am I having these twisted thoughts? I need to take my responsibility and sort out my sexuality and relationship with my own body. I can blame this dream these feelings on the girl and on the first girl, but it’s been all along me who didn’t take responsibility and blamed others for the outcome.

So I wrote it all out and put it into perspective to see where to apply SF and how to avoid going back in the same patterns again. This time it was a dream that shook me back into reality, if I keep suppressing, it will manifest and I will create future events with it. No more blaming others while I do not take responsibility myself, within this all my child allowed herself to be abused and I didn’t protect her, indeed I made the abuse possible and abused my reality by being in my mind and believing my back chat. No more, no more do I want to be in this position, within this awful place called mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was weird behavior of these girls in A her new class. Instead of seeing that all these girls were desperate seeking for friendship and validation what the 7 hadn’t found in each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my hypocritical being nice towards the girl. Instead of seeing that I was judging her even before I knew her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A enjoyed her with the new girl. Instead of seeing that also A was searching for a friendship, the same as she had in Holland, a friendship that would give her the validation she needs from outside herself to feel accepted in her new environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was pleased as A was pleased, not willing to see that both our motivations were originating in dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it seemed A enjoyed herself with the new girlfriend. Instead of already picking up red flags about the girls behavior and take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that noise inside the house is inappropriate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my hating noise with the opinion that it’s inappropriate. Instead of seeing that it’s me who is reacting to the noise and blaming the noise for being distracted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the wrecking of the bike with the fact that it can happen to anyone. Instead of seeing that I was pretending not caring, but already blaming the girl for wrecking it out of not liking her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for deliberately wrecking the bike. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself for not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A to take my responsibility and confront the girl in my place. Instead of seeing that it is unacceptable to use my own child to fill in the gaps where I do not take my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my blaming the girl for wrecking the bike when I found out she had lied about it. Instead of being my own directive principle and stop the abusive behavior of the girl by taking my own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not trusting the girl since I labeled her as a deceiver.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not taking my responsibility. Instead of seeing that this is an passive act that will not make me direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not confronting the girl. Instead of seeing that I feared not being accepted and therefore didn’t take any responsibility. Which left me with the same unsolved issue as before, not taking responsibility in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A in telling the girl what I had to tell and not taking my own responsibility. Instead I delegated it to my child who wasn’t in a position to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A still enjoyed playing with girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my being fed up with the girl through my opinion about the girl as being a deceiver. Instead of seeing that I was fed up with myself for allowing the girl her abusive behavior and not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for being a deceiver so I was entitled to be fed up with her. Instead of seeing that I was conquering some sort of freedom to judge and label the girl as deceiver to be off the hook myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for touching my stuff. Instead of seeing that I was possessive when it came to my stuff, seeing it as mine and not able to share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it my body was sick and reacting with fever. Instead of seeing how out of tune I was with my own physical body that I believed I suddenly had a fever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not knowing when I have a fever or when my environment is too warm and making me overheated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for the turned up switch already before investigating the matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for something she possibly could have done. Instead of seeing that any excuse was welcome to blame and judge the girl to cover up my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for switching the temperature on max. Instead of seeing that I hadn’t taken my responsibility and told the girl to stay out my bedroom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not being pleased with the fact that the girl had misbehaved and not respecting the unspoken rule to stay out of my bedroom and not touching any switches.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for not respecting an unspoken rule.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not taking any responsibility to communicate with guests what I do not allow in my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A to tell the girl to stay out of my bedroom and point out unspoken rules. instead of seeing that it is my responsibility as grown up to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl for feeling awful in not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my not liking the girl with the fact that she was braking the unspoken rules.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe A still enjoyed playing with the girl. Instead of seeing that A wanted to belong and not wanted to end up isolated and alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for still coming over and not sensing she wasn’t really welcome. Instead of seeing that due to the fact that I already so many times allowed the girl’s abusive behavior and not taking responsibility I was ashamed and afraid of suddenly taking my responsibility and feared not being accepted and spoiling things for A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the girl having dinner with us after her misbehavior. Instead of seeing that I was buying off debt for not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into having the girl over for dinner. Instead of seeing that Idid it to be accepted and not having to admit my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for presenting myself as a nice mom, while feeling like an awful mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being a hypocrite when stating that she liked my cooking. Instead of seeing that the girl was seeking for validation and acceptance, but not knowing how to establish this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify giving her food to bring home for her mom and at the same time not believing her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl for having to give away food and not believing it was for the mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself to deny someone food based on a assumption of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into giving away food while having the feeling of “this isn’t okay”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for the fact that I gave away far too much expensive tea to please her. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to spoil this friendship for A and went into extremes, a few bags of tea would have been enough to taste it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it’s rude to ask for so much expensive tea bags. Instead of seeing that I was over possessive due to the price I had paid for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that the motives of the girl were dishonest without being able to proof it. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to share the expensive tea bags.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for not responding on my question if her mom liked the tea. Instead of seeing that I didn’t trust the girl with anything which indicates that I didn’t trust myself with anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not taking responsibility and not confronted the girl with her behavior. Instead of seeing that I’m my own directive principle that I need to take my own responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A still enjoyed playing with the girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not wanting to see the girl. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to be confronted with the fact that I had not been taken responsibility and therefore didn’t want to face myself and be reminded of it by seeing the girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for having to put effort in being nice to her. Instead of seeing that I was the hypocrite and not nice to myself by allowing abusive behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify hating the girl because she wrecked already quite some stuff of ours. Instead of seeing that I was hating myself for not stopping this behavior of wrecking stuff and taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in believing I wasn’t mad. Instead of seeing that I was irritated for having more laundry and more fuss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl freaked out. Instead of seeing that the girl really feared her mother based on reality or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was going to be hit by her mom. Instead of seeing that my back chat didn’t believed it and even thought that she deserved it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for making me feel guilty. Feeling guilty for the girl being hit by her mom. Instead of seeing that I didn’t want to know about this apparent abuse, and not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was acting ridiculous and dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe she was deceiving me again by telling these stories about her mom being abusive towards her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame her for deceiving me again. Instead of seeing that I wanted to deny possible abusive behavior of the mom so I didn’t have to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was acting strange out of the ordinary. Instead of seeing that I was holding onto a picture I had formed about her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for acting totally different than normal. Instead of seeing that she might have been honest for once.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl could not fear her mom when she unscrupulous wrecked my stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being fed up with her lies. Instead of seeing that I was fed up with myself and not showing the real me who would take responsibility where necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for how I was feeling, fed up with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my trust in her was zero.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my zero trust in her due to her own behavior of being irresponsible. Instead of seeing that I was doing the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A into not playing too much with the girl, because of her abusive behavior. While not being honest with A about my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not having the girl in the house that much with being happy for A to mingle with her peers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was happy when I didn’t see this girl as much. Instead of seeing that every time I did see her I was confronted with my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for my being mad. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself and mad at myself for having this whole event escalated by not taking my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl was unfair and evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for my outburst of anger. Instead of seeing that I had given her this much space to be abusive towards my child/another being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate A and not allowing her to play with the girl again. Instead of seeing that I feared the extent this event could have or become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that A wasn’t allowed to play with the girl anymore due to mental problems of the girl. Instead of seeing that I already knew about the girls problems yet I did nothing out of fear of not being accepted and more problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that A would become the victim of the girls mental imbalance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not taking responsibility when the girl verbally attacked A.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not confronting the girl nor the mom with her behavior towards A. Instead of realizing that I feared their reactions and what they were capable of. I didn’t direct myself I let fear direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that I didn’t confront the girl or the mom with her behavior, with fearing their reaction or actions. instead of seeing that this fear was a projection of my mind into the future and therefore not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for bullying A. Instead of seeing that this was the outflow of what I feared most, what I had been projecting and my lack of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for not taking action in case of bullying. Instead of seeing that I had neither taken responsibility when the seeds for bullying were planted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for not knowing about the bullying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the teachers lie to me about not knowing about the bullying. Instead of working what is here in the moment and not judging others without investigating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the girl would lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for stating a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for stating a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the school for not taking responsibility. Instead of seeing that I had done the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own failure upon the school.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I had to protect my child. Instead of seeing that I had been doing the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not taking my responsibility with me as a mom have to protect my child. Instead of seeing that I was hiding behind my mother construct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belief that thinking about the school had so much power over me that it could make me disgust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that teachers should be fired if not capable of protecting the students. Instead of seeing that in that case I also had to be fired as a mom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the teachers for incapable behavior. Instead of seeing that I had been incapable too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the girl wanted to fool around with Jis. Instead of seeing that I feared abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of the previous event with the previous girlfriend onto this event. Instead of seeing that it was a memory that determined me in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for feeling awful. Instead of seeing that the memory took these emotions and feelings with it and I let the memory be my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for feeling nauseous. Instead of seeing that I resisted taking responsibility out of fear of not being accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the event was familiar to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for wrecking my chair. Instead of seeing that I feared the repeating of the former abusive event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for feeling afraid to speak up about the wrecking. instead of seeing that I feared still the event with the first girlfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I was too afraid to stand and say no. Instead of seeing that I was too afraid to take again no responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the girl for making me stand up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear for standing up due to a past experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for being in this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my experience with the first girlfriend unto the second.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into doing something I didn’t want to do out of fear what would happen in my house when the girl came over. Instead of seeing that I was making excuses, blaming the girl for things that had not yet happened and projecting memories on top of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify taking the girl home out of lack of motives for not doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate Jis and the girl to stay in the car to not make the shop owner nervous. Instead of being honest and saying that I didn’t want the girl in the shop due to her behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the owner of the shop gets nervous with more kids in her shop than one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that I didn’t want the girl with me and with the fact that the shop owner didn’t want kids in her store.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the shop owner is really slow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blaming the girl and Jis for my irritation while they were fooling around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that a open belt means making out. Instead of seeing that this opinion is formed in my mind through media and society which I adopted and saw as valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl and Jis for the shock I felt due to the picture that was presented to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl and Jis for something I didn’t know if they were doing. Instead of seeing that this picture I saw was stimulating my fantasy and making all kind of assumptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I dismissed the ridiculous thought. Instead of seeing that I didn’t do SF in the moment or corrected myself immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to do no SF, because it was all hectic in that moment. So basically justified myself for being in a hectic situation and therefore not taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nothing is out of the ordinary and the belt was just not functioning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having such strange thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having such strange thoughts and believing I must be sexually twisted with these thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I moved on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for her evil influences and having sex with Jis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having these twisted thoughts in my dream and justify this with saying: we do not have an alley.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for having seen my son with an erection. Instead of seeing that this is a false kind of shame and saying more about me and sexuality, about me and being ashamed about my sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for going into the bathroom and seeing my son with an erection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having feelings of arousal after dreaming this sexual based dream. Instead of seeing that it’s pointing out where I am within my sexuality, to move on and act instead of thinking about sexuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having feelings of insecurity, nauseousness and shame after this sexual dream. Instead of taking it on as a point to work on/with, to take responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I fear these made up stories to become real. Instead of seeing that this is the mind playing around with me as long a I let it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the girl for having sex with Jis. Instead of seeing that I was blaming myself for this twisted dream.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify me not taking any responsibility with blaming the girl for all bad things in my own opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this dream is sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for participating within this pattern of not taking responsibility till the point that fantasy and realty are going to be mixed and I become a threat for my environment.

When and as I see myself participating within a point of not taking responsibility within the point of abuse. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by not taking my responsibility I allow and accept abuse. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the pattern of not taking responsibility -and participate equally.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of blaming others for not taking my own responsibility. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as blaming others and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

When and as I see myself participating within a point of not taking responsibility for my own sexuality. I stop, I breathe. Within this I realize that by not taking this responsibility I allow and accept thoughts and fears to direct me. There is no value to this participation, but consequence. I stop, I breathe and let go of the this pattern of not taking responsibility -and participate equally.

 

Kids & responsibility 1 25/03/2011

One of the most important questions a parent should be occupied with is, how do I learn my child what responsibility is and how do I  learn my child to be it’s own directive principle. It starts of with your own starting point of self honesty, there is no way your child is going to learn how to take responsibility when you do not walk that what you talk. That’s why you as a parent or care taker are the living example for your child. So it always starts with your self honesty and your application within reality.

As a mom of two kids of 11 and 14, I bring self-honesty on a daily basis into practice, which does not implies that I’m always successful within this. The beauty of living and interacting with kids is the fact that they respond immediately and reflect your points of dishonesty and points you still have to work on. There are also moments in which I have moved on, though my kids follow still my living example of my past, even though I moved on and changed myself in the best interest of all. In that case I do need to show my kids that they need to reprogram their behavior since it will lead to nothing constructive and is merely hanging into a loop I created for them to join me. So it’s my responsibility to cut the cycle/loop and show them how they should approach the new situation without emotions/feelings in common sense. To get some what practical I will illustrate this by an example of an event with my kids. I will outline the situation first, before starting of with sharing the event.

My relationship with my in-laws deteriorated over the years, first when the kids were small I was able to not interfere within the relationship of my kids and their grandparents. At a certain point when the kids became older I could not hide my stance towards my in-laws and they picked up that something was going on. Though still they went to stay with their grandparents in the summer holidays. I got in a situation where my in-laws got quite nasty, which I didn’t corrected at that time due to fears and needs. The kids started noticing the difference in the behavior of their grandparents and didn’t want to spend time with their grandparents anymore. We ended up in a situation where we didn’t see each other, but my in-laws kept communicating through e-mail and every time more nasty. The kids were confused to hear what their grandparents said about their parents and even about them. At that time I hadn’t yet directed myself fully.

So all this had happend and then my daughter A. had her 14th birthday and she got a parcel by mail from her grandparents and also my son J. received a gift. When I gave the parcels to them after the mailman had left, they weren’t thrilled. They took it like there was a bomb inside and had all kind of comments that showed how my living example had accumulated over time within their thinking patterns. First they were looking very unapprovingly at the gifts and indeed the gifts didn’t match what the kids were involved with in their life’s. When one does lose track of one another it’s not easy to find the perfect fitting gift. After a while they looked again and A. could already see how and for what she could use her gifts. J. was still upset that he got a book that his grandparents had been looking for since ages end finally they had found it and send it to him. He said, they know I do not like reading that much and I wasn’t looking for this book anyway.

That evening I asked them to send their grandparents an e-mail to confirm that the parcels had arrived. They protested against my request and the resistance was big, so I left it there and picked it up the next day. I asked them again if they would write an e-mail to tell their grandparents their parcels had arrived. This time they said, why should we send an e-mail we didn’t ask for the stuff they send. I explained that it wasn’t specific about the stuff it was just common sense to let others know that their parcels had arrived, nothing more and nothing less.  I reminded them of the time we had send a parcel and the receiver hadn’t communicated that our parcel had arrived. We asked it ourselves, but it would have been nice if they had let us know. Simple communication and participation. Now the kids understood what I wanted from them and promised to send the e-mail. After a week of asking if they already did send the e-mail my son J. started writing one. While he was sitting in front of the computer he decided also to write that he didn’t like to read books, though the story seemed to be exciting. This was great, he not only took responsibility for a simple communication point he also used communication to let his grandparents know that books are not the best gift to him, in which he was directing his own situation. A. took another week before responding and did the same as J.

I explained them that it wasn’t a matter of liking their grandparents and it had nothing to do with past experiences it was simply being here in the moment and communicating in a practical way to not plant seeds for more confusion at a later stage. In a way the kids were relieved and it felt comfortable for them to be their own directive principle and take in the end responsibility for this event. We talked more about how I was standing within this old conflict and they really felt they could do something about it instead of being the victim just as I had been showing them all along.

 

It’s always about us 12/03/2011

Natural disasters, bad and though times, aren’t they revealing the real intend of men? This morning while going through the news and talking with the kids about Japan, my daughter A. said that a girl in her class feared for the nuclear installations in France. How come, I said. France isn’t effected with disasters and their nuclear installations are fine. The point was the girl had seen the images of Japan and feared such an event and projected it onto her own situation. The closest nuclear installation here in Italy are indeed in France. This is only one example, but this is how it goes most of the times. We hear about disasters bad news and instead of taking in that news and really see what that means for those people and what can be done. Instead we project it onto ourselves in a fantasy like way, because we are not effected by such a disaster in that moment, and suddenly we fear in such an extent that we feel the victim. The ugly thing about such a mechanism is that a victim can not think clear and help in all ways possible the real victims. And again as always we end up acting out of self interest and are we not able to see the need through our projected fantasy based fear.

Then when going through some more news about the tsunami in Japan I read some comments. I like reading comments to see how others are perceiving things and where they stand. Here I read  a comment where someone said with a lot of emphasize that we are not to blame for  the disaster taking place now in Japan and also Indonesia with an volcanic eruption and that we can not do anything about it. Is that so? Or is it just a matter of who shouts the loudest is right?

Are we indeed not to blame when it comes to disasters? I sincerely doubt it, I can see that it’s some kind of wishful thinking and when the really bad things are happing it’s a relief to take your hands of it and have no responsibility what so ever any more. We have to understand that every action and every thought we have, how big or how little, it always has consequences in the physical reality whether you’re aware of it or not. So, when during my life time my actions lead to series of consequences how would all the actions with all their consequences add up? And of course we can not stop a 7 meter high wave while it’s happening, not even with thousands of people. We’re merely ants that are splashed away. Though it’s not saying anything about who caused it over time in the first place.

When I neglect the wiring in my house for many years out of a self interested way or just because I do not have the financial ability to adress this problem the end result stays the same. One day a short may have a devastating effect on my home and I find myself rescued outside while big flames are coming out of my home. In that moment I can not stop the flames and the house from burning on my own and I might ask myself why this has to happen to me. Things happen always to us, because we initiated them by actually causing them or accepting and allowing them.

So on a bigger scale within natural disasters we can feel helpless and victimized when the end result forces itself upon our reality, but we are to blame for not taking responsibility in the first place. If we really did not do anything that would have consequences, our world would be static and nothing would happen what so ever. But is that the case?

It’s up to us whether we see ourselves as a victim or we see in self-honesty that we are both victim and the cause. I do not want to make myself a victim through projections or real actions within my reality. I want to deal with the symptoms and even with that what caused these symptoms. I don’t want to be impressed by consequences of my actions while feeling powerless. I want to take my responsibility back and therefore I work on myself within the desteni ‘I’ process.

 

Skipping a blog and skipping a chat, but catching introspective 25/02/2011

I missed a blog and a chat last night, nevertheless I worked till deep in the night on my SRA homework. My SRA group is working on mind constructs at the moment and I had to write a lot of time lines to complete my mind construct. Mind constructs are helping you deconstruct the mind in a structural way so that after quite some practice you’re able to direct every situation. Through this directing you’re able to act and speak in self honesty within several situations and to take responsibility for yourself. By doing this you avoid unnecessary back chat and therefore less mess to clean up.

It was a lot of work, but I did enjoy every minute of it. The more I wrote down the more I’ve got this overview of what was happening and seeing what my part is within this mind construct about my father-in-law. In a way it’s peeling away layers and discovering your evil side and I saw it waving at me. This time I didn’t fear this evil of mine, I expected it to be there. Although the comfortable habit of blaming others for what I caused has dropped and I have still to adjust and really understand what it was that I’ve been up to till now. Once I understood that it is always my responsibility how things turn out in my life, I am less fearful for what I’ve been covering up and going to discover. When this mind construct is completely finished and I therefore will be able to take responsibility for all my actions within this mind construct, I will share the whole story.

While doing this construct I could already see how beneficial a mind construct will be on my relationship with my mother. The funniest part is that I saw this relationship as one of my most “normal” one’s. Looking now at it with my mind construct x-ray eyes I see that at a certain point I felt the need, after an experience where I thought I had to protect my mom, to take her by her hand. I started parenting my mom while she is more then capable of taking care of herself. Due to my overprotected mother-like behavior we’ve been in several situations together where I wondered why she was acting the way she did and why I had to jump in and take her by the hand. She probably only responded to my behavior. Last week she called me and said that she was sad about the fact that I didn’t call her, which I did but I only spoke to my dad. I reacted to her like she was a whining irritated child and later after reflecting on the situation it struck me, the fact that I was mothering my mother for no real reason at all. So this calls for a mind construct as well, to get to the bottom of it.

I see so clear now that I have been limiting myself in such a big way. I didn’t do things, out of fear, and I assumed a bad outcome even before making any attempt. I stopped a lot of interactions with others even before they took place or could have taken place. What an irony and limitation to not even begin something out of this psychic knowing that I would fail anyways. Things like: I will not address that problem, because they won’t understand it, I will not speak with him, because he doesn’t want to speak with me. If I’m like this then every human must equally be like me, we are all automated organic robots making the same loops over and over again. So lots of time we do not connect to each other, because we think we already know that it isn’t going to work with each other. Based on fake ideas we do no longer direct ourselves, but the ideas do. It’s just too ridiculous that we exist as such limited beings and call ourselves intelligent creatures that stand above the animal and plant kingdom. Hilarious and time to stop this way of living.

We should all be locked up for a few years and do mind constructs. When we pass we’re released in society again, when not, happy mind fucks. Those people will be locked up for ever, If you live within your mind you do not recuire much space, you’re already locked up inside yourself. I will not be locked up forever inside myself and will free myself from my back chat through writing it out and gaining more understanding for what I’ve been doing all my life. I fucked up so badly that fear has become such a master over me that I’m too scared to even see that. Time to stop and time to direct myself according to the rules of equality, what’s best for me is best for you and the rest of the world. So mind constructs it will be!

 

A walk along the river 17/02/2011

I walked behind 3 teenagers while my partner P. and I were walking our after lunch walk. They came out of the bus, coming home from school and heading towards home. While walking along the river these teenagers were eating some snacks and when they were finished one of them made a wad out of the paper of the snack and before I knew it she threw the wad into the river. I was amazed about all the memories, opinions, emotions and feelings that came through.

First of all I didn’t belief what I just had seen, did she throw the wad in the water or didn’t she. I asked P. if I saw her do this and he confirmed and said: “Yes, she threw it in.” I always get mad when people throw things in nature when there is absolute no reason at all for doing so. Along the river there are waste baskets and such a paper wad one can also hold in one’s hand till one is home. Then P. said: “Well it’s just their upbringing, they probably never learned to not throw waste in nature.” and directly after that he said: “But I’m just justifying why they should throw the wad into the river.” And that is the whole point they haven’t learned how to act around refuse/garbage and they never figured it out by themselves. So pure inherited ignorance.

After I was sure that she had thrown away the wad I asked myself if I should confront her with it. Directly I answered myself not to. Was I afraid to stand and confront these teenagers? No not really, I have done that in the past and the results are zero. When I confront another with a point of which they are not aware of within their current life, they will look at me as if I’m going to attack them. That’s what I experienced before, I frighten another system that acts upon this fear with protecting itself. So when you do this with a group of teenagers they intensify themselves as a group and will react in spitefulness or in another agressive way.

So I considered that confronting them wasn’t the way to approach this issue, they wouldn’t understand my point and in their mind they would form this negative connotation whenever the memory of throwing away a paper wad would come up. Well this is kind of a weak excuse of me, because I cannot take responsibility for another persons reactions. At the same time as making this weak excuse I felt weak for not really doing anything and letting my mind do overtime. Although it may have felt that I didn’t stand and I didn’t act, it’s simply a feeling. When I look at it in common sense I can see that on a bigger scale confronting them would have made no positive change, meaning a change in the best interest of all.

The issue is as I said before the upbringing and the awareness within society that is lacking. My kids have twice done a great village cleaning action with their school. Going around the village with a garbage bag and pick up street refuse. For kids in the age of 8 till 10 being all morning outside and not having school is always fun, for whatever reason it may be. So do they learn a lesson with cleaning the village? NO. The problem with these seemingly little tasks of responsibility is that when you do not keep repeating them at school and at home it will never become automated. If it needs to be based on awareness the world will, before the awareness appears, be covered in paper wads.

I’m from a generation that did throw away their stuff in the bins out of fear for adults that certainly were going to say something about it. Now we are the parents and adults and we do not like to confront another with this responsibility as we didn’t liked it ourselves when our parents frightened us for not throwing stuff in the bin. And there we go, a whole generation that’s reaping the fruits of our fears that our parents brought onto us. A nice way of making a circle round.

We are all living in this eco-no-my and we should be able to hold each other and ourselves accountable for these irresponsible actions, without being seen as mean or getting threatened mean. If we cannot get the small things right how on earth will we make a change in this world? So we need, as so many things, solve this at the root of the problem and that’s education. We acquire a lot of knowledge that we probably never use in our lives yet we are ignorant if it comes to polluting our planet. If we do it as kids on a small scale we will do it as adults on a larger scale. I mean what are empty car batteries and fridges doing in the forests? Certainly not to serve a cold beer to the goblins and elf’s.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my observation, of seeing the paper wrap being thrown into the river, for no reason other then hiding myself behind the fact that I didn’t see it happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel mad when someone else throws garbage into nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel mad at another for throwing away garbage while I work hard to do my waste separation without getting any recognition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel mad for not getting any recognition while separating my waste.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confronting these teenagers for the spitefulness or aggressiveness they might demonstrate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have opinions about the behavior of teenagers when confronted by a stranger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act upon memories and past experiences and use that as a blueprint for my actions in the presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself behind the fact that their reactions on my confrontation towards them will “damage” them permanently and give them a bad experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not acting when these teens were polluting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the feeling of not doing anything in consideration, while it’s nothing more then an energy and not real here within the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents when I would throw paper or refuse on the streets or in nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not confront my generation for being weak in their children’s education when it comes to polluting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to educate my children to not pollute the planet with the staring point of fear for my parents as a child myself.

 

Maybe a fake plastic Gucci bag? 15/02/2011

Since January this year the plastic bag is banned in the shops and supermarkets, here in Italy.The bio-degradable bags are not going to be banned and in reality it will not be a total ban of plastic bags before 2013. The 2 year transition period is to finish the plastic bag stocks, so in the stores nothing has changed and neither the streetscape. When I heard this news for the first time in December I thought somebody made fun of me. Italy and the plastic bag, it’s almost tradition. On forums people were arguing what to use instead, paper like in America but they didn’t think it was strong enough for the large amount of groceries people tend to drag on the street or on their scooter. A bag made out of fabric worried also a lot of people, they were convinced they would look stupid because it wouldn’t be a designer model. Amazing what people can bring to the table to justify the fact that they are polluting on a daily base. The plastic bags we use now are neither designed according to Italian designer principles and don’t go well together with a Gucci outfit. Yet everybody is using them and you can find them everywhere used for multiple purposes.

These plastic bags were already for many years an eyesore for many environmental activists. Expedition Med (Mediterranean in Danger) did research on the surface of the Mediterranean Sea. They found that all the thrown away plastic has fallen apart into microscopical pieces of plastic and that about 500 tons of plastics are floating around on the surface of the Mediterranean See. Even with a ban on plastic bags the damage is already done onto the marine. Expedition Med only tested the surface so who knows what’s lying on the bottom of the sea. There has been estimated that about 80% of all waste in the oceans is plastic, a sad example is the Great Pacific Garbage Patch that’s floating around between Japan and Hawaii.

The fines that will be charged after 2013, if we get there with this law, will be between €25 and €250. That’s the same fine for smoking in a public space. In a way it’s hilarious that we need laws to make responsible citizens out of us. We are not able to think about the consequences of our actions when it comes to for instance environmental issues such as, what is plastic causing within nature. It takes years for plastic to decay and the decomposing of the plastic into planet earth isn’t the outcome we want at all. I also have been struggling with this issue, when I went with my own grocery bag to the shop they did put my groceries in plastic bags into my own bag. So I asked them to put it directly into my bag. It was really a struggle as if I had to break the tradition of years and as if I was asking for hot ice cream or burning water. For a while I took the plastic bags and reused them for all kinds of purposes, but it was still the same plastic bag that ended up in the garbage eventually. When I hadn’t got the plastic bags I bought bio-degradable bin bags and those are a lot more expensive and I do not know how degradable they really are. Now I’m back at bringing my own bags and I buy normal bin bags to keep the costs reasonable.

What is this all about? It’s about throwing away plastic bags into nature and not understanding that the consequences of this action is turning against you and me and nature. It makes me a bit desperate, the fact that we not even can come up with a solution that’s best for all, when it only is about plastic bags. I’m not talking about changing a monetary, educational, health or political system, I’m talking about a “minor problem” that every toddler can resolve within common sense. But look what a interconnection of problems it is causing. This law is delayed until 2013 because otherwise the plastic bags in stock have no use what so ever, the workers in the plastic bag factory would been unemployed right away and the factory would stop existing unless they are able to produce something else. It’s a good thing to say stop to plastic bags, but you don’t want to make your neighbor unemployed, that wasn’t your goal but that are the consequences in a capitalistic money system.

In an Equal Money System people will be taught to take their responsibility or are already aware of the consequences their actions can have. A total dependence/addiction of a nation on a plastic bag would not be the starting point, simple because it’s not in the best interest of all. And with all I mean all animals and nature. A factory that only makes plastic bags or plastic products is quite depended on oil, is such a factory an addition to society? These worker when they can not work anymore they have a hard time surviving, in an EMS these workers have still their basic income and are not depended on this salary. When money has the value of life there isn’t such a thing as making products against life, investing in products against life or making profit out of products against life. When something doesn’t work in society, such as the plastic bag, in an EMS it’s easy to adjust because there is no one depending on it, nobody looses profit and nobody is the victim of the situation, you just change it. You just adjust it till it’s in the best interest of all and that change can be in any given moment. You see there doesn’t exist  “a special moment” anymore, all is equal.