Sylvia's writing to freedom

How I was able to hear the Desteni message 05/02/2012

When I 4 years ago stumbled upon a video of Desteni, done by Sunette as a portal, I wasn’t looking for the Desteni message. I had no intent to join any group what so ever, I had no intent to face myself and I had absolutely no intent to change the world simply because I never perceived myself as someone that could change the world. I was living my dream within my bubble and could see, feel and understand that there was something really wrong with the world I was living in. And I say “the world I was living in”, because I didn’t see the world as “the world I am a part of”. I was raised in the era of individualism and joining a group was kind of hippie like and kind of impossible for me to join groups while I perceived myself as an independent individual and not part of the collective that’s called life. I lived life my way in an original way believing in me as good and peaceful going along on the new age wave and creating a new belief out of love&light and being on top of the world as a conspiracy junk to point fingers at all that was bad in this world to not face myself and instead blaming others for making my dream life impossible.

 

Wow, that was my start 4 years ago after 40 years of pretending to live. I lived, I hibernated through the years, but I hadn’t really lived. I observed my live as the observer of my own life, afraid before taking every breath without recognizing my separation of life. I was floating around and on a conscious level not searching for answers about life, I was simply too afraid to burst my bubble. Yet I was complaining about not getting the answers I wanted within my process of Reiki and energy work. Without realizing it. I was searching for answers all my life and hadn’t gotten any. I expected others to bring me the answers and did not even consider the possibility of finding answers myself. With the beginning of the internet things changed and searching was quite easy all of a sudden and yet a sea full of information to go through.

 

I was disappointed in religion, not seeing that religion for me was an energy refill and I got hooked on the energy. The moment I had to become an active part of the religious group I backed out and blamed them for narrowness. I was disappointed in spirituality, because it didn’t serve me the specialness I was looking for to refill myself with energy, the very energy I lost by leaving the religious group. The moment it was time to decide which spiritual group was ment for me, I backed out and blamed them for being too extreme and not grounded. When I started to read conspiracy theories it confirmed my ego in being right all along and I used this information like a religion to convert people like Jehova Witnesses do.

 

So you can say that I was quite a lost case to hear anything and who had tried to find the answers to life without really knowing that I was searching for the answers and yet when I saw that first Desteni Productions video it hit home. I do not recall which video it was since I started to search for more after that first one. I’ve spent weeks watching the Desteni materials, I simply couldn’t stop. I had to know and I had to understand what Desteni was communicating with me. Their material was touching me deep inside and it was so easily answering many of my questions that had been so hard for others to answer. I saw how I had been wandering around as an observer in my own life and was eager to learn how to direct myself for the first time in life.

 

I was able to hear what Desteni said while being in a zombie state and completely brainwashed by society and upbringing, not very different from any average person. I had made major changes in my life and still I had this dissatisfied feeling inside of me. I didn’t want to believe that this was life and that this was all that was to it, I believed that there had to be more to life than this. Simply out of the fear that if life was this unspecial I couldn’t claim my own specialness anymore, no individualism anymore. I would be useless in a world without purpose. So my ego demanded that there should be more to life than this. How could I be the award winning star of my own movie as I was playing in a B movie?

 

I took the Desteni ride and I was in for a lot more than I had expected. I took over a year to take all information in and keeping up with the new materials. Then the moment arrived where I could join the forum, which I by the way could had done from the start, but I was afraid. I was afraid of not expressing myself good enough in English, I was afraid of not being a good enough Destonian yet, I was afraid to meet all these people I didn’t know yet. Though the biggest fear was joining the forum was equal to me to joining a group. So I feared loosing my identity/individuality and almost physically shaking I registered though never posted anything. Appart from not joining the forum I kept actively listening to the new materials and sharing it with my partner and kids. Only when I had the intend to start the Structural Resonant Alignment training I forced myself to join actively the forum and so I did. From joining the forum I joined Desteni on Facebook and You Tube and contributed to the newsletter.

 

Before I knew it I was part of a group and I recognized myself in all the people that joined. I realized that it wasn’t that fearful to join a group. I even enjoyed joining this group. The more I became aware of myself and who I had accepted and allowed myself to be, the more I understood and realized the importance of facing myself and therefore facing the world. By changing myself I could actually be a living example. There was no need anymore to hide myself and peep through the key hole to observe life. The more I started to understand life and me as life the more I saw the need for an Equal Money System to end inequality and equally live and breathe ourselves for the first time without the fear of survival creeping up ones neck into real physical life.

 

I started blogging and vlogging to spread the Desteni message just as they had equally done for me. I fell and I stood up during those last 4 years, every time stronger. Desteni helped me on a personal level to overcome events in my life I would have gone insane over when I didn’t know that the key and therefore the answers are always inside of me. Taking Self-responsibility and being Self-honest became more clear to me over the years. The difference is now I’m slowly but surely walking these words and before I was still comprehending these words. I have gone from self-manipulation to self-directing and the result is less stress while sailing a stable stance in life.

 

At the moment also my partner is doing SRA-1 and my teenage kids are applying the Desteni tools and materials as far as they are capable. I was able to hear the message of Desteni, one that says that we should love our neighbors like ourselves. Which implies that we first need to love ourselves in order to be able to love our neighbors. First we better/improve ourselves and then reflect the improved Self into the world. We do this in common sense and in the best interest of all in all ways. To understand that life takes place here within our physical reality and not up there in our minds. If we want a better life why not have a better life for all?

 

If you can see and hear that this world is heading towards destruction and that we only have 1 life to stop and change that world as ourselves, the join us. See and investigate for yourself what we’re standing for and decide whether you wan to be the change, by changing you as a being. We are people just like you, so it’s never too late to join us and become a Destonian for life.

 

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Time traveling to tralala land 03/07/2011

Recently I was explaining to someone that the energy, of which spirituality  speaks, is a non existing energy. Energy isn’t something that can be transmitted onto another person as if it was sound as if we are speaking with each other. It is something within the mind of one person and it becomes an surreal experience of that person. I illustrated this with energy transmitting as in Reiki, which I practised years ago. This conversation let me back to the Reiki evenings that I attended and after the conversation I had with this person I reflected further upon these evenings I had on a monthly base with a group of people.

My mother-in-law initiated me within Reiki and she was my master so to speak. The one I could turn to with questions. Every question I asked was answered by her with either, “I do not know” or “you are doing strange things with Reiki”, “I have no idea what you’re talking about etcetera”. So I was on my own and searched the web for answers, which wasn’t easy, to find genuine answers. At a certain point I found fellow Reiki practitioners and from one group I ended up into another. I stayed a few years with them as the group kept changing participants.

To me these evenings were my evening out doing my spiritual stuff. I was intrigued by this energy work, it gave me self-worth and last but not least specialness. I enjoyed belonging to this group though I perceived all the others as psychics and myself as a wanna be psychic. All the others had always amazing stories about how their energy powers had improved over the last month. I was just me and these stories made me quite insecure as if there was something wrong with me for the lack of these amazing stories. We were assigned to someone for the evening to practise the Reiki positions on and to develop our skills. In a way I felt threatened, I had this fear that they could see right through me and see my dishonesties. I simply didn’t want to share all with them.

We had one lady in the group and whenever she did Reiki on someone or received a treatment she was traveling in time back and forth. She could tell the most amazing stories, most of the time she drew symbols that she had received on her traveling. All the people in the group loved to hear her stories. Often she asked the one she was working with during such evening if they had traveled along with her. Also when I had her under my hands she disappeared totally in her mind, I of course did not see or feel anything. Due to the group pressure I kind of was ashamed for not being able to join her. At the same time I was strongly questioning her travel stories. The couple who organized it went completely along with this bullshit, so I thought it was me who was different. I never asked this lady what kind of books she had read and what kind of movies she had seen throughout her life. That probably had explained a lot of her amazing stories.

Whenever I was treated by someone else I never felt any energy, so I started wondering if I was blocking their energy, if it didn’t work on me or were they just bragging about their energetic abilities. When I had to say something about a person when we did our evaluation round I used cold reading, of which I back then didn’t know the name yet. I was very good in remembering what people were telling every meeting and I watched their body language really close. I registered their reactions towards others when psychic information was revealed. Whenever I told a person something about them within the evaluation round I was never telling them something new, I simply compiled a story with the information I’d got about them during the meetings and they always went into denial. To me it was clear that people preferred to hear only positive tralala information about themselves and absolute no confrontation with reality. I mean also I feared to be discovered for dishonesties, but it made me think though.

One evening a psychic medium was invited and we were asked to bring an item for this lady to touch. She could give information from the afterlife from diseased people that were close to us. I defined this as a special ability, to be able to predict or tell information through objects and for he most part of the evening my ability to apply common sense was gone. I was even nervous to get to my turn. I brought a broche from my great grandmother and I was eager to here something about her. Wow what a disappointment, all the other stories sounded so amazing and these people were almost flabbergasted. She told me that my great grandmother was dancing in heaven and having a great time and that was it. I never went to such a gathering again, we even had to pay for it.

So I was seeing the facts and I had experienced the fact that there was no transmission of energy going on and there was no such thing as someone telling me stuff I didn’t already know. Yet it took me quite a while to get off of this energy bullshit. It was the specialness and personality building around it that I wasn’t eager to let go off. It was the need for my “special hands”, I called my hands my first aid kit. On holidays I only took bandages and iodine with me, when ever the kids fell and hurt themselves I treated them with Reiki and stopped their wounds from bleeding. Now I can see that I wasn’t a master in Reiki I was a master in persuading people to manifest.

The turning point of no longer using my hands on others, was when I had treated an acquaintance several times and I expressed that his chest/heart area wasn’t feeling okay as in not okay energy. Weeks later I found out that the guy was brought to hospital with an ambulance after a heart attack. I felt so fucking guilty. In a way I felt and believed to be the causer of his heart attack and on the other hand I saw that I had planted a seed of fear within this guy which led him to a heart attack. It all felt so fucked up, I feared my capability for doing evil within an attempt of doing good. Good for my own profit. Not much later I found Desteni and energy work/spiritualism was one of the first things I investigated within the Desteni materials. To find out that it’s all in the mind, if it was real, love and light had already saved our planet. Our planet is in need of real solutions and no fantasies about the solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to blame my mother-in-law for not being of any support, while I was blaming me for having no answers to the chaos and search for specialness and purpose I was in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to seek specialness to gain self-worth through my actions instead of valuating myself for who I am as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to believe in energy work as real since it provided me a personality with which I increased my self worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear my dishonesties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear myself for what I am capable of when it comes to creating and manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to fear evil inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to live in a fantasy bubble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to feel jealousy on others who I perceived as psychic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to see my hands as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to need a purpose in life that is important and of value, instead of seeing that being here as me as life is enough.

Whenever I see myself going into the pattern of specialness I stop and breath. I realize that seeking specialness is participating within the mind, while being here in every breath is being me and no longer searching for me within specialness. I will no longer participate within specialness, since there is no need to search outside myself in order to feel alive. I’ll direct myself to participate within the physical and not hiding within the mind behind any form of specialness.

 

It’s happening to me, but it can’t be me causing it 23/04/2011

Yesterday I spoke with my mom on Skype and within the conversation she said:” and guess what happend to us?” I had no clue of what she was talking about. She said: “your dad and I were already saying that you would have said, it’s them again.” I got really curious and when she started talking about the chairs finally arrived, I kind of freaked out within my back chat. Not like nasty comments about her, but more doubting myself. My mind was speeding up and I had no clue what so ever about chairs. Did I miss out on something? How could I miss out on something? Had she told me about chairs? It’s not fair when I’m only interested in myself and forget about her chairs. What is so fucking important about chairs? I calmed down and decided to listen and found out about the chairs.

My parents bought 2 new chairs, the type that can be navigated with a device. A lazy chair where elderly people can take their nap or simply relax. She probably has told me about ordering these chairs and I probably have stored it as not important information and I probably thought I’ll hear about it whenever she gets back on it. So in a way no interest and for sure jealousy on a point I didn’t expected it from myself. They have been buying all kind of expensive stuff for their house lately, almost like a last big spending that must last till their death. With the current quality of goods it might not be the last spending. In the background I noticed that I was asking myself why they could spend like crazy and why I have to double check if I really need to buy specific food or just be happy with less. Of course I know why I fucked up financially and of course I know why my parents, while living in these surreal “good times of the seventies, eighties and nineties”, made it in life without having to put much effort in it. So why blaming others for making it financially in life and not willing to see that I’m blaming myself for my “failure”. That was obviously why my back chat started off initially as a self sabotaging chat and then revealed it self within jealousy.

The point about, why my parents were thinking about me, when the new chairs arrived is a point with a long history. Whenever they buy something, the product is broken or damaged or not what they expected it to be on a level of quality. I already for many many years tell them, it’s you guys who are causing this within your own life, and then they laugh. They think it’s funny when I say these things or that I’m being funny. Hell I’m not, I’m just ineffective in bringing across this message of “look what you created yourself”. While I was still in school and studying psychology I approached it from the angle of self-fullfilling prophesy, while being caught up in spirituality I approached it from a point of look what you are attracting and now while practising practivism I’ve asked them why they fear this point so much and why they are not able to see that they are creating this point from a never ending pattern.  This point and pattern has originated somewhere, but why should one even even bother to look into it if you can easily blame others for it and be in the comfortable position of a victim. I just do not get it.

I asked my mom if she never had noticed that when we both bought, lets say fabric, she always ended up buying inferior and bad quality and my purchase was fine. Her response to that was, that she always feared not buying good enough stuff. She always checked and double checked stuff she bought before paying for it. She taught me even what exactly to check and double check when I bought my own clothing, which I at a certain point perceived as really hilarious and coming from a point of fear I didn’t feel. Therefore I wasn’t willing to act on the fear of my mom. About 90% of the stuff I bought turned out as a good buy, so statistically seen not something to worry about. Interesting though is the fact that my mom admits that she fears this point and when I said that within fearing this point she manifested this point of a bad purchase. Well I don’t know she said. It’s you who is doing this to you, I said. I really don’t know she said, started giggling and blamed the owner of the chair shop some more.

If we’re not able to take responsibility for our own actions and creations, how can we expect others to do so and how can we expect the world to be less rough and aggressive if we’re not even able to stop our own back chats and creations. When it comes to my mom I’m done with it, I’d better focus on my own shit. She’s obviously deliberately not willing to face this point or all the other points, I cannot change that. Only planting little seeds now and then for her to reap. People who do not want to harvest will end up with nothing by their own “free choice” and nothing means really nothing. Where one manifest oneself into nothing, nothingness. I do feel the family strings towards my mom and dad and I do not wish them into nothingness, but in fact I do not wish anybody to end up in nothingness. And to be clear I’m not speaking about paradise or heaven here, I’m talking about manifesting yourself from the physical into nothingness that when you die you are no more. Being no more isn’t in the best interest of all, that’s egocentrically removing yourself from the equation by not taking responsibility. My God we can’t be that stupid as humanity, or are we?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous on my parents when they are spending their money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself within my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my financial failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I forgot information my mom shared and therefore not being a good girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within self-sabotaging back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within jealousy based back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ineffective when bringing across the message of not taking ones responsibility to my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for not taking their responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents will end up in nothingness when they keep following the track they always followed.