Sylvia's writing to freedom

A player in the female meat market 21/05/2011

This morning while going to my cleaning job at the inn/b&b of my friends J.&A., I met a Canadian guy and had a nice chat with him. We exchanged information after he asked me how life is as an expat in Italy. We almost finished the conversation when his wife walked towards us. She said, hi Sylvia how are you doing and gave me the looks of don’t touch my man. For a split second I wondered how she knew my name since I didn’t know the lady, but I saw that she had been talking to another guest who I did know. The guy walked towards his wife and she grabbed him and started kissing him, while looking at me. A weird experience to be seen as a rival while not at all being romantically occupied with this guy who was in his late fifties.

So when this couple said goodbye to the other guest and left, I asked A. if she had witnessed what just happend. She hadn’t so I told her. A. told me that their stay had been nothing than a pain in the ass, but this jealous behavior she hadn’t witnessed yet. Before this couple came over they communicated that they were holistic and were also eating in a holistic way, they sent over a list with the whole foods they didn’t eat. The first night, J. as a chef  served rabbit, rabbit was not on the black list. The wife started being difficult and refused to eat the rabbit. So A. asked which part of the rabbit wasn’t whole food, the wife couldn’t give a strait answer. Finally she said she didn’t feel like eating rabbit. Then she told J. that she wasn’t going to follow his lessons in the cooking school, because she was probably better than him. J. said, well fine don’t take a lesson if you can’t learn anything from me. She took the lesson and made it into a disaster for all the other students. When the guest were gathering one night and everybody was sharing stories and having a good time, the wife kept loudly whispering, “who cares about your story”. So this morning J.&A. were glad that the couple left.

This morning I was the icing on the cake within this Canadian lady her spite tour through Italy. Immediately when I was reflecting on the event I looked inside if there had been a moment where I had been thinking things like, what a nice man, what a hot guy, I wish he was mine, what a cute guy or being attracted to certain body parts. Non of that had happend, not even for a tiny moment, I just spoke to a being and it happend to be a male and a husband. I can do a lot of guessing about the wife’s motive for being wrongly jealous together with the spitefulness she exhibited, but I won’t. I’m only referring to the take off, of a long term judgement day that started today. These extreme reactions will be soon frequently witnessed and we better prepare ourselves to stand for life as life and not be taken down by our own mind-possessions and ego.

The whole event let me wonder of for a moment about the fact that this lady saw me as a potential rival and a man guzzler. I was almost laughing about the fact that this man would consider a fantasy with a bald cleaning lady.  I always imagined that jealous wife’s would react on gorgeous young fashionable girls, how wrong could I be.

So that makes me part of the female meat market again and I had no idea that I was a player…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the idea that only beautiful women could tempt men into affairs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that I do not fit into the category of women that can tempt men into affairs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less beautiful than the pictures of beautiful women in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of less and more and think that I’m less attracted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself by labeling myself as someone that doesn’t play on the female meat market, because I do not have the looks anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as worthy as a woman.

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Running back chat and inner conflict about pills and alcohol 18/04/2011

My friends G. & I. were visiting us. They are a Dutch couple that owns a second home here in the village. We take care of the house when it comes to official phone calls for gas, electricity and water. In summer we welcome their guests who stay in their house and afterwards I clean and wash the bedding and towels. They once said after taking us out for dinner that they wanted to strengthen the relationship by having also a social relationship with us. I wasn’t really searching for such a thing, but merely following the money. Not so much greed just pleasing my bosses so to speak. It’s a tiny bit of money we make on it and every summer the amount of guests differs.

Right away I had, while being in conversation and speaking to G., the lady of the couple, a vivid back chat going on. In a way I felt compromised by the money I decided to follow. So I didn’t really speak up and when I did I could clearly see that we were living in separate worlds. Every time we saw each other I felt quite shitty afterwards, did my self-forgiveness, but didn’t see how to combine the role as “friend” and “worker”. Both roles I had forced myself into through the need of money.

Within the last few conversations we had I saw their opinions change and also their view on the world, but still from a luxurious position. They started to see the fucked-upness around them. He’s out of work and probably already too old to get on the working force again, but still enjoying an unemployment benefit. The reaction of I. on his new situation and new view of the world is that of wanting to separate himself from the rest of the world. Only wanting to look at their own little world and living situation is what the new input does with them.

I started to be more in control while being with them, meaning not the few euros being my motivation to stand or not stand within conversation. Our last encounter was really challenging me. At a certain point G. told me that she had stopped drinking alcohol due to medication and according to her it hadn’t been a big deal. Which surprised me since they found always an occasion to drink a few glasses of wine. So my back chat didn’t believe her while my poker face was straight. Then she told me that she stopped her anti-depressants to get rid of the medication. As a teacher in a girls prison her students had asked her what was wrong. Even one had said: G. you can get medication for your condition you know. That was it, for her. When she came home she took a pill and decided not to stop with the anti-depressants when considering it again. The same day she started drinking alcohol again, because according to her, alcohol and pills would not harm her.

This triggered a whole shit load of back chat within me. Like opening the box of Pandora. How can she think that pills and alcohol will not harm her. Look how dishonest she is, I’ve seen her like this before. She thinks that she’s fucking on top of her life, but look what a fuck up. She lost a breast due to breast cancer, had plastic surgery to recreate a new breast. How can she not respect her own body. And then my inner struggle started. I wanted to speak to her about the risks of what she was doing and had been doing, yet I saw no possibility to talk about this to someone who thinks she’s God herself. Sacred. I wanted to speak yet I felt physically incapable to speak. In the end I didn’t say anything and left myself with a horrible feeling of having failed. She seemed doing more than okay and on top of the world and in a way I was blaming her for my shitty feelings.

So what is it that I want to save such a person that obvious is not seeing the need for being saved. I feel like shit, because I clearly know more about alcohol, or probably we both know the same only she doesn’t take it as a warning and doesn’t take her responsibility. Her breast cancer says already enough about how less she cares about herself. Can one save such a being? Is it worth to allow myself for having these kind of nasty back chat and reep the fruits from it? I should simply stick to common sense without feelings/emotions/fears when I speak to her and reflect back to her what she is saying or simply stop these kind of conversations. Nothing can justify back chat and nothing is worth it. When I compromise myself I’m doing the same as her, the same thing I want to save her from. Maybe it’s time to focus on me, instead of deluding myself within savior perils.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify a fake relationship with money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel compromised by the money, while it was me who decided to step into this relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shitty about forcing myself into the role of friend and worker at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let money make my decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous at their financial status while I. was unemployed just like my partner P. while I. was receiving welfare and we none.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge I. for wanting to separate himself from the world, instead of seeing that we are in this situation due to separating ourselves from society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge G. for disregarding her body and compromising herself, while I see that also within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous in a way at them for being quite ignorant and enjoying life while having a second home, just traveled to Hong Kong, visiting Italy every month etcetera, while I do not accept ignorance anymore and see the fucked-upness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more than G. due to understanding what pills and alcohol do to one’s body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having failed in saving her from disinformation or believes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame G. for the shitty feelings I had cerated and accepted myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to save someone else while I’ll have to focus first on  myself and save myself first in order to reach out to others who want to be assisted and supported.

 

Fighting jealousy, before I become jealousy 16/04/2011

While exploring and getting to know the patterns of my back chat I looked closer into the point of jealousy. Since jealousy is what the back chat triggers. First I couldn’t see the correlation, looking through the eyes of my mind. Then when I self-honestly looked at my back chat, the more nasty one’s, I saw and understood that indeed all these thoughts that were generated by the back chat of my mind could be traced back to the point of jealousy. It’s the struggle within the polarity of more and less where I allow myself to be held prisoner and it always feels like shit after I expose myself.

I’m more and more able, while still going into the back chat, to slow down and at the same time even rewind the thoughts within the event  to spot this jealousy point. The back chat is not hidden within big nasty events, instead I find it in my day to day events, which in the end at the end of the day adds up.

While I was sitting behind my computer and looking out of the window, I saw my neighbor hanging her robe on the drying rack. I felt a nasty thought coming up which I didn’t allowed to come through, though I could sense that the thought was already made and traveling around in the depts of my mind. So I unraveled and searched for the thought I had more or less stopped. I found the thought that ridiculed my neighbor for hanging the robe on the rack. This sounds stupid in itself though attached to this thought are memories and opinions. Six years ago my neighbors applied for a building permission to replace an old iron shed  in their back yard with a bigger stone one. Last year they finally got permission to build, around that time my partner lost his job. The ideas my neighbors had about the shed six years ago totally changed and they decided to make a laundry area in the shed and put a shower in. Now when finally the shed is finished and winter is gone they take a shower in their shed every morning and walk in their robe from the main house into the end of the backyard. I on the other hand take a shower one’s every three days to save gas and water so we can do more with the little money we have.

It was obvious to me that I was trying to feel more by ridiculing them for having build an expensive shed and not being able to have a shower in their home. In their home they shower in the bath tub wich is less comfortable than taking a shower in a shower box. So hanging the robe on the rack triggered all of this and I felt more within using the back chat, but within reality I felt less for not having the financial means to build a luxurious shed in my garden. It’s not even the point of wanting a shed it is the point of being jealous on someone that has money while I have little.

Then the other day I was waiting in the car for my kids to come from school while a big new SUV pulled up the sidewalk. I recognized the man that came out of the car, it was the owner of the organic shop. He was going to pick up his kid from nursery school. Also here I felt a nasty thought coming up and when it came through it didn’t look like a nasty one. Within this thought I wondered if his kid is a boy or a girl, since I never had discovered that. The reply I gave myself on that question turned already into something nasty, within saying the kid has long hair, how can you tell if it’s a boy or a girl if you let your child look like that. I stopped and slowed down to see what was really going on underneath these thoughts. It was the car that was the trigger point, it made me feel less, why can they drive in a big expensive car. The thoughts went further into, probably because of their high prices in their organic shop. So again jealousy and not so much of the car, but more of the fact that they have money to spend on such things.

Today I cleaned at J.&A. their Country house and we enjoyed each others company and we had worked like a team to get the apartments clean before the guest starts coming in for their holidays. We were chatting a bit and while A. spoke I watched her mouth while she was speaking, A. is a really cute looking lady and she always smiles, I liked the way her mouth moved while speaking. At the same time I could sense nasty thoughts were going to be formed and I challenged my mind. I said: what are you doing? There is no need for nasty thoughts at all, I’m having a conversation and enjoying it and I will not allow and accept  nasty thoughts to come and spoil the moment. Within that moment the thoughts faded away. I was kind of proud that I had proven to myself that I can be my own directive principle. At the same time I realize the amount of back chat thoughts that I still have to tackle, but I’m grateful for the progress I have made. Being aware and recognizing the back chat is the first step, before the real hiking can start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my back chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous on the money others have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity in more and less in relation to money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cope with feeling less through nasty thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within this pattern of jealousy.

 

Jealousy 10/12/2010

I finally addressed a point today that had to be addressed. A point of which I was so ashamed that I just closed my eyes and started hoping in a almost possessed way that it miraculously would disappear. I did some superficial self forgiveness, but also that isn’t going to do the trick. I felt this  fear to write about it and publish it on my blog so it would be out there for the public. Around noon today when I was in my car to pick up my son from school I had 16 minutes to sort myself out and do self forgiveness. It was now or never so to speak, I gave myself an ultimatum to sort myself out. Also other points came up which made it a sort of spring cleaning.

The point I had to address was a point of jealousy of which I always thought I didn’t had any form of. One of the first assignments within the SRA course was giving examples about my jealousy. I almost felt like I had to invent my jealousy. When I look back and even looking back to yesterday I didn’t want to be a jealousy person. To me a  jealous person was an equivalent to a bad person. I don’t want to be a bad person, but I know that it’s not all sunshine inside of me. I deliberately looked away from my evil side all my life and that in itself is evil.

I started to recognize this point as a point of jealousy when I saw that it wasn’t all about being insecure or wanting to be original. Every time when I saw somebody write or make a video about a topic I had done I felt restless. I started to look at the amount of rates or views that this person got and started investigating what they had done different from what I had done. I called it common sense, but I was justifying my point of jealousy. This point was keeping me in its grip, possessed me. I forgave myself, as I said superficial and for a while it disappeared under the surface. The next moment an identical point arrived this possession came back in an even more heavy way. The moment I hardly could see the work of Desteni members I knew I had to act. I told myself that it was so stupid and destructive to feel sick about others who address the same points as I did. Together we stand and the more the same topic is discussed and shown on the internet the more impact it has, but I was already so much taken by this possession that I couldn’t live the common sensical words I was producing. It had to stop, this is how my world and due to that how the world is turning out the way it is. One big confusion in which nobody takes his/her responsibility. I can’t participate within jealousy and I won’t allow myself to do so. Therefore I did quite some self forgiveness out loud in my car, maybe I missed some points. That’s okay, I can deal with these when they appear.

Then I asked myself where this point of jealousy was based in? In the end I do want to feel special, but at the same time I’m disgusted by specialness. So that’s a polarity in which I participate. I grew up, as everybody in a world wherein it is important to be original, being original is just a coping mechanism to survive. Insecurity of my own ability which is a fuck up and a polarity. I feel less, but by participating within jealousy I feel more/special. So of course the point of jealousy is in no way valid and in the best interest of all, it doesn’t pass the equality equation so it must be amortized. No participation what so ever!

It wasn’t that difficult to write about it, the fear to be exposed as a good person isn’t valid either. We all have feelings of jealousy one way or the other. It makes me the same as everybody and by denying my feelings of jealousy I separate myself from everybody.

So only a few self forgivenesses which I hadn’t covered yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting and writing about this point of jealousy on others, who try to work together and do not try to boycot me or to promote separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of feeling special and not wanting to be seen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will not survive if I’m not original.