Sugar, sugar 18/09/2011

It’s the second week of my sugar, wheat and yeast free diet and I haven’t been struggling much with it. A few times I had this unsettled feeling over me that I couldn’t indicate for what it was. I decided to go along with this feeling to investigate what I was dealing with. I came out into the kitchen and understood that I was searching for something to eat, so I took a kamut cracker. After the first bite I knew what I was longing/searching for, something sweet, the kamut that isn’t really a sweet taste gave me the impression of sweet and after eating it I felt satisfied. This showed me how deceptive the mind can be in finding that specific something that it wants. Of course it’s also the body craving for direct and indirect sugars within this diet, it’s simply a fine orchestrate play between all participants that I call me.

This diet was something that I had to do, it had to be done, so I accepted this change of diet seeing that I had allowed myself to eat food for too long that wasn’t sustaining my body. The reason for eating the wrong food was ignorance and lack of money and we’ve still lack of money, but we tried to do some money shifting, meaning buying less from the old food and a little bit from the new food. Which results in a slightly higher food bill, but still bearable.

The infection, that made me investigate and decide to do the diet in the first place, is declined and almost gone at the moment. That was a big relieve, because besides feeling horrible while my body tried to fight the fungus, the itching was not something that could be ignored. Then I discovered that it was also manifesting on my tongue and I got a bit scared. I saw within my mind my whole body full with this bacteria that changed over night in this evil fungus attacking me. Even things like “this is the end, you will probably die” were fabricated within my mind and I freely participated within it. I’m quite creative when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts and when it comes to diseases and dying. When I calmed down I saw that the point which was bothering me was disappointment in my own body, I was committing to this diet and look what my body was pulling on me. Sounds like ego and separation and that’s what it was. I was in separation of my physical body and saw it as an entity that could attack me. I blamed my body for being sick and not being cooperative while I conveniently forgot how I neglected my body through eating the wrong foods and had been alienated from my body already for so many years. I created and manifested this disease within my body and no one but me is to blame, that is if blame would bring me any further, which it obviously doesn’t.

So this condition has brought me a lot of support regarding getting into contact with my body again and a lot of points that are opening up. The itching made me 24/7 alert and I never felt so many glands in my body being painful. I’ve been able to slow myself down and really hear what my mind was babbling when it comes to self-sabotaging thoughts, thoughts based in fear and I mean fear in the broadest spectrum possible. It is astonishing to experience how much we disgust ourselves for allowing and accepting all the bullshit in our life’s and in our world. This illness within all of us, this bullshit, is what makes the world sick. We, on a daily base, infect the world with our sick thoughts. It’s a one on one reflection, we all know that the horror we witness within society is the same horror and battle that goes on inside of each of us. We need to acknowledge this simple fact and not hypocritically saying: but I’m not like that. You see, there is a difference between wishing and desiring who we are and who we really are, the friction between those two is huge and that unleashes the battle within ourselves.

This whole journey of getting sick and fearing my own body within separation, has made me stronger in my attempt to dedicate myself to my process, Desteni tools and no longer taking any bullshit from myself. Myself as a whole, the body and the mind included, because without those two buddies, I’m dead meat and breath will be no more. Therefore I replaced fear for what was attacking me as diseases, with common sense and I simply investigated that what was here in the moment and dealt with it accordingly.

How come that I’m fearing exactly that, what isn’t yet here, I asked myself?  That’s the most secure methodology to get thoughts created and manifested. Looking at it that way I decided that it was time to stop this point of fearing the body and all diseases that comes with having a body.

Isn’t it fun to be a human? Especially when you know that humans can make a difference and really evolve in the best interest of all.

I’m one vote for no sugar 11/09/2011

Since 6 days I’m on a sugar, wheat and yeast free diet. I always perceived myself as someone that was a low sugar user, since I almost banned refined sugars. Almost, because by replacing sugar with honey, I thought I did a great job. In a way I did a great job, but all the ready products I bought almost all contained refined sugars. Sometimes written on the label by the manufacturer and sometimes disguised under vague terms. The same goes for wheat and yeast, it’s simply  a challenging task to find and buy products that are sugar, wheat and yeast free. Maybe when one lives in a big city or outside Italy one is more accessible to a variety of these products, here I’m assigned to make my own food all from scratch. Lucky enough I like to cook and trying out new tastes, therefore the preparation time including eating of 2 to 3 hours for dinner isn’t  a real problem to me other than wanting to do more in a day than possible.

My partner P. and I went to the nearest organic shop to buy some new basics for our diet. The organic shop is here the only place to find diet products. So we started reading the labels to see what we could buy and what not. Things made of spelt, millet, kamut, barley or brown rice are okay, but we needed it to be yeast and sugar free too. It is a small shop and half of the shop contains food and the other half herbalists products for the outer body. Our choices were extensively narrowed down, but we kept up our courage. We left the shop with rice and kamut crackers, dry beans, brown rice, spelt pasta, multi vitamins and a probiotic cure. The prices in these shops are astronomical high as if one has to pay for the high quality this type of food supposedly has.

This whole turn around in our diet and even life style came about when I found out that I had a candida albican overgrowth infection. First I didn’t understand what was happening to me and I started investigating the symptoms at the internet. I still define myself as a hypochondriac so a lot of fears moved inside me. The moment I found out what it was that was happening to my body, I couldn’t understand why I had this condition. I started investigating on forums and found out that many with me suffer from this condition. I also found an old forum tread at Desteni.co.za which explained me a lot what the nature of this condition is and I could see how this for me is a form of self-sabotage and not speaking up,  immediately some points came up which recently had occurred. A chat with Sunette made it also clear that to master this condition the key is in the food.

I choose not to take the conventional medical road since all the comments I had read stated that with medication it went away for a small period of time to reoccur again. Ant-biotics was in most cases doing more harm than good and since I live in a country where doctors prescribe toddlers already anti-biotic cures as if it was lemonade, I feared going to my doctor and having to refuse his medical advise. This point is based in experience, since I had shingles 1,5 year ago, and got my first anti-biotic cure. This cure made me so sick, I had a constant diarrea and was nauseous the whole time and afterwards I took a probiotic cure from Bayer. I was still weak and this memory is still quite vivid in my mind. So yes I moved myself in the physical through memory/experience and knowledge and information. So I made an agreement with myself that when things wouldn’t clear up and improve I would still go and see my doctor.

The diet together with some other remedies as tea tree oil has reduced the symptoms already within a week. The diet however is going to take 2 to 3 months to kill the bacteria that turned into a harmful fungus, for ever. After reading what the outflows are of this condition, and wow, did I recognize some things that I perceived as normal or as of my body. An infection like this I’ve never experienced, this time all conditions were seemingly right to attack my body.

With this diet one starves the fungus by not giving it any form of sugar. It’s almost like a contest of who has the most patience. When this fungus is dying it excretes toxics that will be felt as dis-ease for the body. I experienced some headaches and overall misery. I do not miss the sugar in my diet, no cravings for sugar so to speak. While looking into this condition on the internet I found that our central nervous system when it receives these signals of toxics that are excreted into the body, is ignoring the fact that these toxics have to be cleaned up by the liver and instead sends signals to crave for sugar. So in a way the central nervous system is working against the well being of our body when the candida dies off. This sounds like self-sabotage, pre-programmed self-sabotage. Through taking the dis-eases as a failure in the system and not giving in to sweet cravings one can get pass this point of the central nervous system. Like tricking your own body for it’s own good, that’s quite a fuck up and life in reverse.

I’m going to work with the points that opened up through this condition and keep my diet for a while. I simply have to, self-abuse or sabotage is something that is unacceptable as any other abuse in this world. In order to dissolve the point I will use Self-Forgiveness to get things clearly into perspective to be able to apply Self-Correction.

Owner of the ring of death 26/06/2011

The other day I was preparing dinner in the kitchen when I accidently was stuck with my ring into a plastic bag holder. When the ring got stuck I didn’t notice yet what was happening, only when I pulled my hand back I felt a pang through my ring finger. I had to literally move back towards the holder to release my finger and ring from the holder. Right away I cooled my finger with cold running water. It really did hurt and all I, at first, could remember as a physical experience, was being pulled back in a rough manner. Pulled back by myself, which is in itself a interesting metaphor to look into.

Last winter I took off my wedding ring, to break the spell of my marriage and the cycles of wanting and fearing within such a relationship. We had started to transcend our relationship into an agreement and to close the marriage I decided to no longer wear the ring as a symbol of my marriage with P. In this process I already mentioned in on of my vlogs that my silver ring would also be an interesting story to investigate. I never forgot this promise to investigate the purpose of wearing the silver ring, but couldn’t put myself in an active position to do so and instead I postponed the research indefinitely.

There was also sentiment attached to the silver ring. I bought this ring with my self made money, when I was 19. At first the big silver ring with a black hematite confirmed my identity of being different and having my own style. Later within this 24 years of wearing the ring I gave much value to the black stone, the hematite. I found out that this stone was avoiding high blood pressure. Since my blood pressure was always perfect I knew it was because of the stone. I had no cross reference of course to see if it really had an effect on my health, I simply believed it and wasn’t willing to risk my health. The last years it was sentiment that made me still wear this ring, it had become part of me, since it traveled 24 years with me.

While not really being sure about which of these points the ring was really representing to me, I did some muscle testing since a long time, to see where it would lead me. It immediately became clear that the ring, for me, stood for diseases and negative thoughts. It was holding all my fears for diseases and negative self-sabotaging thoughts related to disease in place. In other words the ring was the confirmation of the cycle I was trapped in for many years. Then I muscle tested a sentence from a book that said: “your always getting what you desire”, even if it’s a negative desire. So I was physically pulled back by my own body to say stop to these abusive thoughts and fear for disease I have had for so many years. A turning point.

Where I first was convinced that the ring stood for my relationship with money and a circle that had to be broken, I ended up with an unexpected twist. I really wasn’t aware of holding on to this belief, of seeing pain as a horrible lethal disease, and holding it in place by wearing this ring and not wanting to take it off. Not that this disease and negative thoughts point was a surprise or something new to me. I’ve worked already with this point and approached it from different angels. I knew that I was still holding on to this belief, but I had no idea where to look for the beginning of the circle that stands for the fear of death.

I have been having a lot of pains lately in my breasts, of which I at first was sure that it would be the end of me. For several months I had painful swollen lumpy breast according to my menstruation cycle. Normally I had this discomfort for about 2 weeks a month, lately it was 3 weeks in a month. Then when that went back to normal I developed pain in my arms and pain above my breats. Whenever I disappeared into my mind I knew for sure that I was going to die from it. When in the present and while investigating it, I saw that my 2 finger typing on a not so smooth keyboard during my mind constructs had caused me quite some muscle pains. Pains within muscles I didn’t know I had, but no reason to visit the first aid or a oncologist for breast cancer. So when looking in common sense at these pains they were all explainable within common sense.

I already worked with this point of belief, but this time it showed itself in a different way, a different layer to work with. The Self-Forgiveness is focussed on the new points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that undefined pain means death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to feel pain and being pulled into a cycle of fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death and losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself and not being in control over losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having thoughts about illnesses and physically manifesting them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my lack of responsibility in not facing my own creative powers when it comes to sisease thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to fear the illness thoughts who I already throughout my life have accumulated to become real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself and therefore believing that I need to be in control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick of myself for hating myself so much that I deserve pain and disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be sick of myself for not taking fully responsibility and not fully facing myself and therefore wanting to punish myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with these thoughts and therefore abuse life, instead of embracing life and embracing myself.

When and as I see myself participating within this pattern of abusive thoughts towards myself. I stop and I breathe. Within this I realize that the energy of this experience is directing me and I am not the directive force here. Thus I stop this participation in this energy as self-sabotage thoughts and do not participate, but breathe myself here in and as the physical.

I can’t stand my physical body for showing me reality and the truth about myself 03/01/2011

A few hours ago a felt a little pimple on my cheek, at least I thought I felt a pimple. So I decided to look into it later to see what kind of anger or frustration I was holding inside me. When I touched it again some time later I wasn’t sure if it was a pimple. It is situated on the spot where I had twice shingles, I just recovered from the last episode.

I felt an energy charge within my body and my mind started to speak to me. What if it is shingles again and I allowed myself to feel sick in my stomach only from the thought. The fear accumulated and I let my partner P. and later my daughter A. look at it and they both said that it didn’t look like a pimple. I was mad, mad for going along with this energy charge and mad on the fact that I might have again shingles at more or less the same spot. The fear accumulated even more, what if I have a weird disease that’s causing me to have shingles over and over again? What is wrong with my immune system? What is it that I haven’t seen yet that’s causing this? Why do I believe the voice in my head?

What have I overlooked the last two times, what do I still have to work on? What energy is still within me?

“Heaven” is the word that tested out with muscle communication and to clarify that the following sentence: “Approval and pretense rarely go together with inner decisions.” In another session I tested that my shingles was about not standing up or speaking out, so I internally haven’t fully committed yet to stand up for myself as life. My actions were according to standing up as life for all, but it wasn’t backed up yet with a 100% inner decision. So I asked myself what was withholding me from not going for the full 100% and I tested that I fear to die in order to rebirth myself as the physical. The dying is the dead of the ego, okay so I’m still not willing to give up ego. I still believe what the mind tells me about myself, who I believe I am. Things like: I’m a good person, I’m able to listen to others, I care for others, I’m creative etc. So every time I’ll believe myself to be a certain way I wil stop and slow down, I will breathe and remain here in the physical. This is heavy, but it’s not that I considered myself already free of ego, no not at all. So a lot of work, but not different from the moment before I started writing this blog. I’m determined now again by the fact that the ego is sneaky and can’t be trusted and I have to be more careful and aware. To understand what the mind is up to before it attacks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I had a pimple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt the spot was a pimple and not being aware of the energy the mind was accumulating in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel physically sick by the thought of having shingles again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at myself for going along with this fear energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mad at my body for possibly producing shingles again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mad at my physical body for showing me reality and the truth about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a weird disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my immune system is deficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see what is causing the shingles every time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the voice in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself as life with a 100% inner decision backing this up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to die and rebirth myself as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dead of my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the things my mind tells me about myself in relation to my identity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being careful and aware when it comes to the actions of the mind/ego.

Shingles again? 01/12/2010

It looks like my shingles is back again, it feels the same as before. I will visit my doctor tomorrow to confirm if it’s shingles or not. I felt really pissed and a victim at the moment I found out that just underneath the spot of last time a new spot is developing. Last February/March of this year I had an attack of shingles for the first time in my life. Due to this I had to take my first anti-biotics cure ever in my life. This made me so sick and weak that I questioned in a big way the healing powers of this medicine. My doctor told me that without I would keep the nerve pains forever, so out of fear I succumbed for the cure. The side effects were far more extensive than the effects of the shingles at that point within my illness. Later on I developed nerve pains and I’m not looking forward to that again. My whole being is shouting NO, NO not again. I’m angry at myself, I wasn’t effective when I worked through this point of my shingles last time. So now I have to experience it all over again. I DON’T WANT THIS!!!! Nevertheless I can see that I made the shit so no escaping here and therefore I have to clean the shit till it’s done.

Last time I also had a cold and a cough like I have now. This time I worked through the point of coughing and found out that I had to stand up for myself, speak up, speak out and stand no matter what. So in a way my cough has been quite assisting. Bit by bit the coughing is going away and is only there when I have too much thoughts about not speaking up and taking responsibility. Also when I’m in communication with others and not standing up within myself.

Last week a client of mine came over with a vage request to make out of a little peace of Futon fabric 2 suitcase like handbags. I yet hadn’t really put my finger on what this lady is doing all the time while communicating with others. While she kept on nagging about these handbags I became aware of a horrible feeling that came over me. It felt as if I was wrapped up in plastic and incapable of acting, as if I was wearing a straitjacket. I didn’t hear her words anymore, I disappeared within my mind as if I wasn’t capable of coping with reality. Than my coughing fit started as if I was choking. I heard her asking if I had a cold. Than my partner P. stepped in, he was working in the same room and he had been overhearing the conversation. He cleared up some points about the bags and how realistic her ideas were. When my client left, P. and I talked about the event that just happened. Only than I understood what I had been feeling, this lady who turns out to be very manipulative and incentive, was manipulating me into a situation where I couldn’t stand up for myself nor speak out. She was asking the impossible while using all kind of difficult words and phrase constructions that she knows I do not understand. The coughing was me telling myself that I accepted and allowed manipulative/abusive behavior of someone else and I didn’t stand within it.

Back to my shingles. The last time in February/March I found out through muscle testing that it had to do with not having Self-Expression. Back than I hadn’t interpreted it in it’s full meaning. Later I understood that it was me not expressing myself, meaning not standing up for myself, not speaking out and not being my own directive principle. I saw Self-Expression as not being creative within art and poetry. Within a conversation with the resonances they said that I didn’t have to follow and do all kinds of projects to distract me from what is important, like painting and poetry. Now I fully understand what they meant, back than I was a bit confused. My shingles are giving the same message as the coughing fits are doing. I thought that I was doing so much better, but I know I’m still not at the point where I suppose to be. I also understand that all that I physically manifest isn’t manifested in a few weeks, it takes time. Therefore it takes time to diffuse this point.

I do not look forward having to go through this illness again, but the message from me to myself is totally clear this time and I will be working through it till it’s done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my shingles is back again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my immune system is weakened and attacked by what ever bad disease.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear illness and therefore fear death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pissed and angry at myself for not working through the point last time sufficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the victim in this situation of shingles, while I know that I’m the creator who manifested this physical condition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anti-biotics to kill all the bacteria within my body and therefore weaken my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the illness and therefore feeling less than the illness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the extensive nerve pains that come along with shingles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear suffering, while I made myself suffering first by not taking my responsibility and stand up and speak out for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being my directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disappear within my mind while I’m not coping with  a situation within reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go along with these feelings and emotions, while knowing they are from the mind. In common sense I could have seen that someone tried to manipulate/abuse me and I was letting this person getting away with it. Therefore as guilty as her for participating within abuse within this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that points are resolved easy and quick so I can move on. I understand know that whenever I make progress there can also be a fall back within that same process of working through the point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for taking it too easy the last time when I had shingles. I thought I cleared it and when it was physically gone I forgot all about it, so I didn’t follow this point to its end and therefore have to re experience it all over again.