Today I’ve opened up the point of my cysts, I started with the last visible cyst I created, the one on my head. Through muscle communication I searched for the meaning of this system I created within my system. To get started I tested for a feeling: worship ability. It’s a strange word to me, I understand what it means, but how to place this within my bigger picture? I googled the two words and came up with all religious stories about the joy of having the ability to worship. I was searching within myself for connections or words to which I could relate.
A couple of days ago I wrote about my energy addiction of singing and being in a place where lots of people are singing religious songs. The word religious connected with the words “worship ability”. I kept on asking specific questions through muscle communication. Has it to do with the period that I was actively involved within the Baptist community, yes. Has it to do with my ability to worship within the Baptist community, yes. Has it to do with me not being able to worship, because I didn’t believed in the message, yes. Has it to do with being dishonest towards the Baptist community, yes. Has it to do with not being honest towards myself about my reasons for being within this Baptist community, yes. Has this cyst manifestation taken 13 years to grow on my head into this visible bump and is it the physical manifestation of my dishonesty, yes. So I asked if this was the core point and if I needed to consider also other points and the answer was yes.
I went further with the testing and tested out two sentences in a book. ” No. If you have to ask, than you know you’re not one of them”. This is the point of wanting to belong to a group and not specific this Baptist community, but groups in general. I always have seen myself as someone that didn’t need a group to belong to. I see now that such behavior is one of identity. Not wanting to belong to any group was my identity, of being independent and not needing anyone. In fact the reality was the opposite of my identity. I longed to belong to a group and be in a group, but refused to be in one. I tested if it was the fear for facing myself within a group and be totally me in self honesty without all the layers and facades that I grown so attached to, yes. So I basically fear that within a group I have to be totally me and I do not know if I can cope with myself within a group and no back doors to escape when it gets though? YES. Okay, what fears do I fear than? Not being able to sulk or have ill humor within a group, that would mess up my image of being a nice and good person. The fear to be grouchy, meaning complaining. It’s more or less the same as sulking, because it both messes up my image. Wow how pathetic can it be, I’m fearing emotions, who are of the mind and therefore not real, to mess up my image. This image that’s also of the mind and not real. These fears have stopped me from participating within a group for so many years. While in fact I was longing to belong to a group, here I can see how I participated within a polarity.
What is this longing to belong to a group? I muscle communicated the word lovey-dovey, which means amorously affectionate. It’s this romantic feeling of belonging and in my case the belonging to a group. Some sort of a love-hate relation, longing for a group and at the same time resisting it. To be honest I did noticed/feel these polarity driven energies when it came to groups, but I couldn’t place it. Okay and where does the Desteni group come in? I tested for the feeling “noticeable” and I can see how that fits in. I’ve had a period wherein I felt almost invisible within the Desteni group although I was participating. Not being noticed, until recently that I realised that I was screaming without being noticed/seen. I wasn’t screaming to the outside world as I thought I was screaming towards myself and not noticing myself. I was not standing up within me, therefore I couldn’t stand up as all as one as equal.
There is also a connection between my article of yesterday called “water boarding”. The outflow of that was me recording myself today and I made a video with the title “a message to all world leaders” to emphasize the fact that I’m willing to stand up for myself and for the rest of the world.
One little bump on my head that took 13 years to manifest is able to tell me all this information, wow isn’t it amazing? I even like to explore myself with the tools that are provided within the SRAT(Structural Resonant Alignment Training) and to learn, forgive and correct myself without fearing the outcome on forehand.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not being able to worship God within the Baptist community, while knowing this and not leaving the community I used them for my energy shot.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself by being dishonest towards the community.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest about my motives for joining the Baptist group.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let this cyst grow slowly for 13 years inside my body without preventing it from growing by taking responsibility.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to belong to a group.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe in my identity that said: Sylvia doesn’t need to be in a group. While at the ame time longing for a group.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that I was independent and didn’t need the help of others.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to face myself within a group.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go of all the layers I grown attached to.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my identity and therefore fear to lose myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ned back doors to be able to cope with myself while being in a group.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to mess up my image by sulking, having ill humor and being grouchy, instead of knowing that this is all of the mind and therefore not real.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the polarity of love and hate when it comes to groups.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself for so many years to not join groups out of the fear of not being able to dace myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to belief I couldn’t face myself unconditionally within a group.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel not being noticed within the Desteni group.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel not being noticed by others while in fact it was me who didn’t noticed myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand up within myself as all, as one as equal.
Sylvia's writing to freedom 