Today I felt again anxiety and it was difficult to breathe, after half an hour I decided to investigate it briefly. I’m grateful for the support my body is giving me, but sometimes I long for ignorance and therefore no confrontation with myself. This state of mind doesn’t take long, considering the fact that hiding is a game where one eventually gets caught.
When I looked into this anxiety I found out that it had to do with me still seeking validation outside myself. Validation through what I do and not validating myself for who I am standing for life and as life. If I would validate myself standing as life I automatically would validate myself for what I do and therefore no need to seek it outside myself. Therefore what I would do wouldn’t be special, but simply an outflow. What has to be done has to be done. If what I do is in the best interest of all and that would make a difference in someone else’s life then I’m accumulating and adding something to this world. All again not special, simply honouring life for what it is. So I did self-forgiveness on all the points I could see in that moment. During today I had several moments in which I really had to say STOP, because this pattern had been accumulating over several weeks, months, I don’t know. It’s not something I can stop in a moment. The decision to stop it can be taken in a single moment the rest has to be walked in the physical.
Much later I had a confrontation with one fo my sewing machines, my serger. It’s not the first time and probably not the last. I in a way communicate with my serger, this sounds almost like saying: ” I’m hearing voices in my head and I see angels.” It’s not that I speak to my serger and he gives his perspective to me. It’s mostly me being preoccupied and in the mind, wanting to do my job quickly and taking all for granted. Then my serger refuses service and I have to troubleshoot and find out what’s wrong. This time, after quite some time searching for an answer, I found out that I had inserted one of the needles too low. The result was that all 4 tread’s were constantly tangled and I couldn’t see why. When I saw this point of the needle being too low I wondered why I hadn’t seen it before. Immediately I said to myself: “I’m tangled/confused and I have no idea what it’s all about, but the answer is obvious and in front of my nose.” My partner P. said that’s a nice title for a blog, but I dismissed the idea since I still didn’t know what I was talking about.
After I had spoken this sentence I looked at my computer and saw an e-mail from Esteni. She asked me to cross reference their information about my SRA payments with mine. In that moment I found out that I had been misunderstanding quite a lot about paying, payments, DIP and a message on my account. I was behind in my payments and I really dislike these kind of things. I normally make sure that these things don’t happen, so what happend here? I felt tangled and confused about all the information I had heard and read about it and I saw my lack of responsibility, the answer was right in front of my nose. I DIDN’T ASK ANY QUESTIONS, while I knew I was confused by the information given to me. My payment status said not to pay until a certain date, that didn’t make any sense at all. I didn’t ask any questions, it was a matter of wishful thinking and brought me in this survival mode of the more money I wasn’t spending the longer we could live from it. Any ways I had already saved the money up and had it in place last year and had been holding it aside for the moment the payments after the holiday started again.
It’s not alright to frustrate the whole ‘I’ process project financially by not paying out of ignorance. I started judging myself for the fact that I had allowed and accepted my behavior of not taking action and not moving money. P. said to me that it didn’t help the situation by judging myself, I better had to fix it and pay what I had to pay and get it over with. And yes that’s what it was, I felt guilty and all Desteni asked of me was if their figures matched mine and if not to make sure that they do match. Nothing personal, nothing emotional or feeling based.
So there I had it , my confrontation with my serger. It all played out just after I realised what it was that the serger was communicating. Fascinating when one doesn’t keep communication exclusive for humans. We are a whole as planet Earth and all counts and all is equal and capable of helping each other to bring forth equality and what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike paying too late to others and others to me, instead of seeing that this disliking is an indicator of what I do not accept within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tangled and confused after studying the financial DIP information.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility when it came to informing myself about my financial status.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask any questions and think that I could figure it out all lone by not taking responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think wishful and not dealing with my physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to frustrate the ‘I’process financially.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for getting myself in this situation of having a arrears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about my behavior instead of being my directive principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this simple question of Esteni had anything to do with emotions and feelings or getting personal instead of seeing that this is how a business works.
Sylvia's writing to freedom 