Not now! 11/02/2011

Lately I have been enjoying the communication with my body, I finally became aware of it. I had separated myself in such an extent from my body that even the signal to take a pee was something I totally ignored. This resulted in a huge trained bladder, but I can’t remember if I ever desired a big bladder.

Listening to my body when it comes to food has opened a whole other world and also here I enjoy the simplicity and collaboration with my own body. In a way it has given me more self-trust.

A few weeks ago just a week after my menstruation, my body started already to inflate in preparation for the next menstruation. It’s amazing how much my body parts can inflate and stay that way for a week or two weeks and then all of a sudden it deflates within an hour or less. It’s almost as if I imagine the sudden inflation and deflation, but in these moments I physically fit hardly in my bra or trousers and when it’s gone I have space left.

Last night just before I went to bed I felt an aching within my abdomen and figured it might be gas. I prepared myself for bed and the undressing part is in winter an horribly cold experience, but once I touch the mattress of my waterbed  I return to normal temperatures again. Within this moment of lying in bed I do not enjoy it when for what ever reason I have to get out my bed again. So lets rewind this, when I undressed and felt the pain I had a flash going through my mind while asking myself when my next menstruation date was due. I completely ignored this flash, because it implied not stepping in my bed while being cold due to undressing myself. Further in order to check my menstruation date I had to go downstairs again and start my computer again and look into my calender and become an ice lolly. Instead I stepped into my bed and enjoyed the warmth of it. While lying in bed I had another flash about me bleeding in bed and having to wash my sheets the next morning. I didn’t pay any attention to it at all and fell asleep.

In the middle of the night I woke of a nasty tickle in my throat. I never wake myself up in the middle of the night and not at all for a tickle in my throat. A feeling of agitation came over me, why was my body wakening me and why did it want to speak to me in the middle of the night? I started coughing, but quite soon I understood that it wasn’t going away. Before I knew it I stood beside my bed and headed for the bathroom. At this point I was completely awake and drank some water to calm down the tickle in my throat. I decided to take a pee since I was awake and standing in front of the toilet. I produced a few drops and didn’t think it was worth it while sitting on a cold toilet seat for just a few drops. When I wiped myself I noticed blood on the toilet paper, my menstruation had just started and did not even stain my painty. I took measures and went back to bed. Okay, so that was it what my body was communicating with me, that which I was ignoring so obstinately.

Only this morning I realised that I again had been ignoring my body speaking to me. My body did quite some attempts to communicate and I kept saying: NOT NOW! I thought that I was apparently directing my own body when it came to my menstruation, but that was not really the case, it’s just a full automated program running already for many years. The only choice or freedom I have within this is deciding if I’m going to participate within the menstrual pains and discomforts or not.

I enjoyed my new acquired communication with my physical body, but only when the message suited me. Communication with my body is unconditional and may not be based on desires and mindfucks. So from now on I have to be more in the present and be aware of my own physical body. This time I was ignoring an unwanted message and I was within my mind already busy with the next task, going to dreamland.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore signals of my physical body such as having to pee.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being here and therefore missing out on the communication attempts of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to hear certain messages from my body and others I ignore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can change my menstruation cycle by ignoring it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in the future doing already my next task.

Feelings 09/12/2010

Today we had a family meeting, the four of us. The subject was the ECG of A. tomorrow. The whole week my partner P. had been nagging about this appointment in which he “felt” pushed into, but nobody but himself made this appointment. I told him that I saw his father system in action, he was worried about the amount of money that these tests would cost and if it was really required or only to reassure A.. P. and A. didn’t want to discus about this together, I had to be there to keep things calm. Father and daughter have from time to time an explosive relationship, both don’t “feel” understood by the other.

So A. refused to talk with P. alone, but as soon as we sat down and P. expressed his concern about the necessity of the ECG and the amount of money involved A. started crying. I asked her to stop and instead communicate about what her bothered and why she felt victimized. She felt misunderstood by P. and felt that he wasn’t acting and already making his mind up when they discuss things.

The question about the amount of money private doctors charge, is just common sense since we do not have money resources. So I suggested to call this doctor “friend” and ask him how much it will cost and if we can arrange some payment solution. I didn’t understood in the first place why P. hadn’t asked about the costs right away. P. told that he felt trapped in this hospital process that had been initiated by us. I saw how victimized he felt, all feeling pity for himself. Calling the doctor is making you act and doing something about the situation in an active way, I said.

I still think that the major part for doing the ECG is reassuring A.. When looking deep inside it’s also the money that worries me and the fear for “what if” there is something of and the muscle communication that we did wasn’t yet thorough enough to cover all aspects. A. told me that she didn’t trust the muscle communication, because she had been testing out the worries that were on her mind in that moment. Well, muscle communication is also working with what is here in the moment, but one can also test out a mind fuck. In the state she was in, she wasn’t willing to cross reference it.

Then she said that she felt it as a burden to participate within the Desteni material which she sees me participating in. How she described I saw her fearing to start and really dig inside herself, I’ve been witnessing this pattern of her before. She doesn’t understand what it is, but when she digs she will find it. Though I will not push her. Then she said that she wanted to be normal as everybody else, so she felt different because of the process we’re involved in at home. She said she wanted to meet her peers from school and do things as a normal kid. The funny thing is that we’ve been pushing her so many times to mingle more with her peers, the ones she connects with. She had always excuses of not being able to get their phone numbers or it wasn’t the right moment to meet with the others. Facebook she only uses to ask for homework when she’s been ill, the kids from her class try to make contact, but she doesn’t even notice this. This shows quite well what a fuck up “feeling different” is.

We ended up talking about the EMS, equality, the education system and the DIP I’m involved in and I found out that she really does understand what it’s all about. She isn’t doubting the message, but fears to be seen as different or as an outcast. She’s got time to build more self trust, she’s only 13.

In the meanwhile P. was calling the doctor to ask about the costs. We had decided that if A. saw the ECG as something that had to be done based on her physical condition that we had to figure out how to pay for it. When P. finished the conversation he told us that the doctor was going to do it for free. That cleared one of my and P.’s worries. It shows of course how much in this world is depending on money. Within an equal money system we would have free acces to medical care and a doctor would never do a test to reassure a patient, only when it’s necessary. A doctor would just say what it’s not and be clear on the points he wants to investigate without fears involved. So no costs would be made on useless actions. Yes, an in place Equal Money System would have made it impossible for us to have this family gathering, because there wouldn’t be any reason for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the nagging of P. Seeing it as not acting and only complaining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money for medical care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to not go into the impossible for my child and that I will regret it when we’ll find out there is something the matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I’ve been over exposing the kids with Desteni material and being blind for it. Instead of listening to them to notice that they do understand the message and they never told me to stop talking.